Scanner : drugs

Sloppy Seconds: Vanessa Hudgens is Ready to Get Naked

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 May 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Is it really possible to find an adult friend on AdultFriendFinder.com? [BuzzFeed]

We were just wondering what the hell ever happened to Sinbad. Okay, not really, but if you were... [FlavorWire]

This seemingly drug-induced gibberish is the best recap of last night's Gossip Girl we've read yet. [Gakwer-Defamer]

Hey, remember Eminem? He's trying to help out Detroit's auto industry. [FadedYouth]

Funny Maya Rudolph is knocked up with another probably funny baby. [People]

Katy Perry is thinking of giving it all up to settle down and have babies, but we don't see that happening any time soon (for her or for us). [FameCrawler]

High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens on getting naked: "Right now, I would feel comfortable doing it, but, like I said, when the time's right, if it's an amazing movie that I'm really passionate about and that's what it calls for, then we'll see," she continued. [Us]

Playboy Mansion Visit Not Enough Incentive For Stoned Teenage Boys Anymore

Drew Grant — Tue, 12 May 2009 14:45:00 GMT

The Marijuana Project Policy is holding their 4th annual party at the Playboy mansion this year, hosted by Fairuza Balk (hey, 1999! I remember you!) and the Dandy Warhol's (you guys as welll!), but in case you are still some kind of freak that doesn't enjoy boobs, college music, and the chick from The Craft, Team Weed has a special incentive to get you to buy tickets.

And if you purchase tickets between today and May 18, your name will automatically be entered into a raffle to win a free night's stay for June 4 at The Andaz, a luxury hotel near the party.

So only pay the plane fare, ticket costs to get into the Playboy mansion, and the $200 for pot brownies, and you might get a free hotel room for one night only! Hey, maybe you can convince Fairuza you're holding auditions in there.

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Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Michael Phelps appears to be content to vanish into a haze of canned beer stink and vaporized marijuana in the city of Baltimore, Maryland.

Today, one of his sex partners (we hesitate to use the term "ex-girlfriend," since the only real date they had was a "special value meal" together at Taco Bell), a stripper named Theresa White (we're guessing the 25-year-old Latin bombshell is using an alias) spoke with News of the World about the orgies, drugs, junk food, and best of all, the three-hour marathon sex sessions with the Olympian...

Her scandalous allegations about the multiple-gold winner include:

-she actually picked him up one night when they were drunk at her strip club. She staggered over and asked him if he wanted to take anyone in the club home with him and he said "you" and pointed to two other girls. Eventually, a threesome was arranged, apparently Phelps' first. It's good to be the King Stoner.

-Phelps spends all his money in (illegal?) online gambling rooms, where he hopes to one day become a champion, his new goal in life

-never took her out on a real date, unless you count Taco Bell, which we believe 100%

-hates Spaniards

-had sex with her for more than three hours and "should be given a gold medal for lovemaking," according to White, who also offhandedly mentions she has 34D boobs

-okay, we made up the Spaniards one

-has a harem of at least five or six women he considers "easy lays" in the Baltimore area

-has a major chewing tobacco habit and his house smells like ass-- and not the good kind

Phelps, it's time to clean up your act. There will be many more women angry with you and willing to soil the public image you cherish so deeply...

Via News of the World.

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Manny Ramirez Takes Performance Enhancing Drugs...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 21:35:00 GMT

...the other kind.

LA Dodger superslugger Manny Ramirez has been banned from playing in the team's next 50 Major League Baseball games after he was found to have ingested a legal substance under the advice of his doctor. The drug? We'll give you one guess as to what it's for...

Ramirez released the following statement Thursday morning: “Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.

A Major League baseball official said that if Ramirez had a legitimate need for a drug on the banned list, he could have applied for a therapeutic exemption. Ramirez, the official said, did not ask for one.

Have you figured out what dumbass, who is expected to lose out on something insane like $7-8 million dollars for this error in judgment, took to help himself out?

...two sources said the substance Ramirez tested positive for was a gonadotropin. Major League baseball’s list of banned substances includes the gonadotropins LH and HCG, which are most commonly used by women as fertility drugs. They also can be used to trigger testosterone production. Testosterone is depleted by steroid use, and low testosterone can cause erectile dysfunction.

“Testosterone and similar drugs are effective for erectile dysfunction in that they jazz up your sex drive,” said Charles Yesalis, a professor at Penn State who has testified before Congress on issues of performance-enhancing drugs. “But far more clinicians accept that affect with Viagra and Cialis. It’s hard for me to understand if it was erectile dysfunction why they would use it.”

So, let me get this straight: Viagra and Cialis are not banned by the MLB, so he used a substance that was? Dude, it wasn't worth it for the extra testosterone-- blood flow from ED drugs would've been a wiser move. Too late now.

Via Yahoo! Sports.

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Sloppy Seconds: Trent Reznor's Love

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 May 2009 23:33:00 GMT

Dom DeLuise, actor, chef, all-around awesome dude, is dead at the age of 75. [The Feed]

The NIH is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on "the prevention of HIV" by studying patrons and proprietors in gay bars in Argentina. FYI: Next time the NIH wants to do a study on drinking and sexual promiscuity, we're available. Hit us up at Scanner@nerve.com. Buy us a drink and we'll give you whatever information you want. [CNSNnews]

A Kansas City newscaster interviewed Guy Fieri, that annoying guy from the Food Network, during a Royals game last night. Except it wasn't Guy Fieri. Oops. [Kansas City Star]

Scanner Crush (we know Scanner Brian is with us on this one) Jeff Tweedy, frontman of Wilco, is being sued by an ex-bandmate. Jay Bennett, who played with Wilco from 1994 to 2001 wants $50,000 for five albums he recorded with the band. [BBC]

Trent Reznor has decided to tie the knot with girlfriend Mariqueen Maandig. [The Inquisitr]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Any interest in auditioning for Puppetry of the Penis? We know a few Scanner bloggers who would attend your opening night performance...

In a stunning upset, Rascal Flatts topped Miley Cyrus on this week's Billboard album charts.

Why was a 25-year-old woman having sex with an 83-year-old man in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart? Nevermind, we'd rather not find out.

Believe it or not, there is a code of conduct for the crazy Mexican drug lords doing all that shooting.

Larry David on Woody Allen, and Woody Allen on Larry David makes for interesting reading for film buffs.

We hope Megan Fox wakes up one day soon and realizes this Brian Austin Greene character is about as cool as New Kids on the Block.

That Bruce Springsteen affair story just won't die.

Barack Obama got naked in Boston-- in a way.

And baby makes seven... not counting its parents, of course: Angelina Jolie is apparently ten weeks pregnant, according to unconfirmed reports.

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PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Can't Get No Satisfaction? Try Oxytocin

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 21:25:00 GMT

A new study indicates that the hormone oxytocin, normally used to facilliate birth and breastfeeding, can help you get over the fact that you're not attracted to damn near everyone around you.

An ABC News report says that oxytocin, which is available for purchase in the form of a nasal spray or injection, helps people develop bonds with strangers and to become more attracted to people they might not otherwise have been attracted to. Are we sure this is a good thing? Won't every guy in the world spray his bottle into a club full of women and then start prowling around? Can relationships survive this medical miracle?

A new study shows that men and women who inhale a whiff of the hormone oxytocin rate strangers as more attractive.
This effect adds to the hormone's known role in human relationships. One study found that oxytocin levels spike after new mothers look at or touch their newborns and may help bonding.
No matter their sex or mood, volunteers who received oxytocin rated male and female strangers as both more attractive and trusting.
Theodoridou's study did not examine how oxytocin could affect social judgements, but she speculates that the hormone dampens brain activity in a region involved in processing fearful emotions, called the amygdala.

Emphasis added. Before you all call up your uncle the shady doctor for a prescription (if you even need one), consider this partial list of side effects:

Impaired uterine blood flow, pelvic hematoma, tetanic uterine contractions, uterine rupture, postpartum hemorrhage.

In other words, completely harmless. Via ABC News.

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Speed Dating for Nerds in NYC

Do Not Love: "More to Love"

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Sloppy Seconds: Oral Sex is Bad, Mmmmkay?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Apparently, we're one step closer to having eternal sunshine in our spotless minds. Except, instead of forgetting about Jim Carrey doctors might be able to make us forget how much we love hamburgers. And pulled pork. And cheesecake. And those little biscuits at the seafood place. And that would be so, so awesome. [NYT]

We sort of wish we would have waited to break our wrist at the Down & Derby that Cosmo Baker is spinning at instead of the one (about this time last year) that featured some DJ we'd never even heard of. Anyway, if you're in New York and a better roller skater than we are, you should check this out. We will be in town for it, but we will not be seeing you there. [TheKeyRoom]

An iPod you can control with your facial expressions? No thanks. One day we're walking down the street trying to skip from the Katy Perry version of "I Kissed a Girl" to the Jill Sobule version. Next thing you know the guy is telling the cops he could have sworn we were begging him to put his penis in our mouth. [Reuters]

That bisexual reality star we're no longer allowed to talk about thinks that she and Meghan McCain are very similar because they're both Scorpios and they both...wait for it... "have strong opinions about things." [Us]

While Farrah Fawcett fights an uphill battle against cancer her son Redmond can't help but get into a little bit of trouble. [RadarOnline]

Patrick Swayze seems to be faring a little better in the cancer department, though it's all still so sad. [People]

Here's yet another reminder that oral sex will give you mouth AIDS or cancer or something like that. [Jossip]

Speaking of oral... we have to admit that though we've heard her name, we have no idea who Aubrey O'Day is, but apparently Kathy Griffin likes the taste of her mouth. [FadedYouth]

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Caption This: Amy Winehouse Really is Back in the Saddle

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 14:31:00 GMT

Winehouse in St. Lucia on Saturday, April 4.

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While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Knew About The Promiscuous Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

How far is too far in the quest for employment? If you're still unemployed, then you haven't gone far enough.

We're glad PETA is using the lovely and highly intelligent Alyssa Milano in their ad, but we kinda wish they had made her show more skin.

Miss Maryland USA 2004 was busted for drugs. No, not for doing drugs... selling drugs.

Friends with benefits relationships account for 60% of college couples.

We're going to put a Dylan bootleg mix CD together for Senator Feingold.

The 2009 Pillow Fight in New York City was held outside the Stock Exchange as some sort of protest.

What exactly was a UK regulator thinking when it fined the Playboy Channel thousands of pounds for broadcasting sexual content? What did everyone think they were going to broadcast?

Vote for the next star of PG Porn.

We already mentioned Levin Johnston on Tyra. What we didn't mention was that he said that the loving couple stayed over at the Governor's house on several occasions and that Sarah Palin "probably knew" her daughter had an active sex life. This woman is the very personification of "fail."

And if Regina Lynn's blocked on Southwest's in-flight wifi, so must we...

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Advertising Event Promotes Full-Frontal Nudity As Business Model

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 13:50:00 GMT

For the past several months, we've been reporting on the advertising industry's desperate descent into nudity-focused marketing campaigns. Normally, we would applaud any stripping away of censorship, but marketing agencies have always pissed us off by cynically co-opting all up-and-coming movements, milking them, and so oversaturating the mainstream with their ideas that even outsiders want nothing to do with what they once loved. (Case in point, graffiti-- once Madison Avenue realized hip kids "dug" that fresh style, everything in the 1980s had that awful, fake "tagged" look. Now we want to vomit anytime anyone mentions "taggers.")

Luckily, in Austria, people have a healthier attitude toward the nude form. Of course, that won't stop advertisers from having an event specifically geared toward nudity in hopes more people will pay attention...

We better let the website itself explain their 21st century ideas:

XIPAX - Show us your best bits.
XIPAX.com gives creative people the chance to present their ad campaigns – and of course their best work. The key message of the campaign: Show me yours and I’ll show you mine. The idea: double meanings that encourage people to show off their best work, but also hint at showing oneself in the nude. The kick-off for the campaign: a guerilla promotion at the annual gala hosted by Creativ Club Austria (CCA).

Why they have to do this naked is beyond us-- just sounds like another gimmick. But the video is mighty entertaining... watch as a guy comes up to the stage, drops trou, and holds up a sign promoting XIPAX. How many years before Valtrex tries this at a Dodgers game?

NOTE: We could not embed the video after all, so click here to see the multiple naked people...

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From the Annals of "Sassy": Kurt Cobain Wore an Engagement Ring

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:39:00 GMT

Can you believe it was 15 years ago that Kurt Cobain died? His body was discovered at his home in Lake Washington on April 8, 1994. To celebrate his life, the fine folks at I Heart Daily pulled out an old issue of "Sassy" (which, unfortunately met its end two years after the rocker) which featured Cobain and Courtney Love on the cover, shortly after the two were engaged. What stood out to us most was this little bit of sweetness:

"I mention that I saw their engagement announced on MTV when Nirvana's video was number one. Says Kurt, "It was embarrassing, but it was also kind of neat." Courtney says, "I thought it was kind of dorky." She's wearing an engagement ring, circa 1906, with a ruby or something in the middle. Kurt has one, too, an ornate band. "Sorry about this zit," she says, pointing to her cheek. "Zits are beauty marks," says Kurt.

—Sassy, April 1992

The entire article can be downloaded as a PDF here.

R.I.P. Kurt Cobain and "Sassy."

[I Heart Daily: Flashback: Kurt, Courtney and Sassy Magazine]

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Pete Doherty's Unbelievable Butt Tattoo

Colleen Kane — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 18:20:00 GMT

There's no way this story can be real, but it was originally reported in the UK's Daily Star on March 30, so unless they have an earlier Fools' Day over there, it's not an April Fools prank.

So, Pete Doherty is apparently cleaned up now, so much so that he's squeamish around needles. This was unfortunate when he decided to get a tattoo on his butt, and could only make it halfway through before begging the tattooist to stop. The result is a rather appropriate unintended word on his arse...

WASTE.

According to Charli Morgan's column "Goss," Doherty wanted to have Wasteland tattooed on his ass, after his favoriteTS Eliot poem. That could have worked, too, but "waste" is even better suited for its rump location.

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Joe Biden's Daughter Caught in Cocaine Scandal?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:46:00 GMT

Ashley Biden, the cute 27-year-old daughter of the Vice President is apparently this year's Kate Moss. Remember how someone secretly filmed the supermodel doing blow at Pete Doherty's recording session? The same thing happened to Ash, only it was at a party, she knew she was being filmed, and now the tape is about to fetch six figures...

If it's true. While we do believe a tape exists, so far no one's been able to prove the cokehead in the video is the First Daughter. Even the New York Post is unsure-- although, of course they milk the story for the little it's worth:

The woman appears to resemble Ashley Biden, 27, a social worker for a Delaware child-welfare agency...

[She] makes repeated references to the drugs, said the lawyers, who said they viewed the tape about 15 times.

"At one point she pretty much complains that the line isn't big enough," said the second lawyer, who declined to identify himself. "And she talks about her dad."

Biden has been an outspoken crusader against drugs, coining the term "drug czar" in 1982 while campaigning for a more forceful "war on drugs." [NY Post]

Whoever she is, she clearly has a drug problem. According to a variety of sources, the young woman on the tape uses a big red straw to snort up a boatload of coke before lashing out at people around her and telling them to "shut the fuck up." (It's also rumored that Biden's longtime boyfriend is pictured in the same frame as her, which would make the tape appear to be genuine.)

The douchebag who filmed all this tried initially to obtain $1.2 for the original, but has scaled back his greed to a mere $400,000. One report says two companies have offered well over six figures for the tape, but not the full 400 g's. Yet...

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While You Were Sleeping: Is Lindsay Lohan's Career Over?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The New York Times just figured out that the sexting craze means some teens will go to jail.

This Rob Schneider interview may be the best thing we've read all week. Yeah, we know-- Rob Schneider...

Apple is preparing to raise iTunes download prices to $1.29. We suspect this might have something to do with preparing people for the high price Beatles downloads will be.

An eye for an eye is about to be taken literally in-- you called it-- Iran.

Nice try, IBM-- you want to lay off American workers, outsource to India, and collect stimulus dollars? Hell no.

Four women who dressed as stewardesses and volunteered in the New York City subways to help people get around have been asked to stop by the MTA. As if the MTA is flush for cash and can themselves pay people to provide that service. Morons.

New York finally began the process of fixing the evil/horrible Rockefeller Drug Laws.

Our hero David Byrne has officially ruled out ever playing with the Talking Heads again. Asshole.

Bruce Springsteen saved the famous Glastonbury summer music festival. Angel.

Lindsay Lohan's only unreleased film (at present) is going straight to DVD.

And a schoolteacher showed up drunk to class, blackmailed her students into bumping and grinding with her, then later passed out by a swimming pool.

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Teen Orgies All the Rage in Oklahoma

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 19:29:00 GMT

When Scanner Emily and I were eating at Denny's in Oklahoma on Sunday, we had no idea we were smack dab in the middle of the orgy craze that's sweeping teenage America.

But after reading this report from the state's health officials, there's no denying it: we missed out on all the hot sex we could ever require... and more syphilis than we would've bargained for...

The Oklahoma State Department of Health is freaked out because a whopping ten teens have contracted syphilis over the past month, while only 15 were diagnosed in all of 2008. Their verdict? Orgies are to blame. (Our verdict? More people are getting laid!)

[O]fficials are alarmed because syphilis is a sexually transmitted disease most often seen in older age groups and can have significant health outcomes if undiagnosed and untreated, KOCO-TV reported.

Officials are also concerned that the outbreak may spread to counties beyond central Oklahoma. [EVERYBODY PANIC!] They reported that 10 teenagers have been diagnosed with syphilis in central Oklahoma during the past four weeks, compared to 15 teens with the disease all of last year. Health officials believe the growing popularity of teens attending parties where unprotected group sexual activity is encouraged may be fostering the opportunities for teens to become infected, they said in a news release.

"The good news is that syphilis can be identified by examination and testing, cured with antibiotics and, through disease investigation, the spread of syphilis can be stopped," said state epidemiologist Dr. Kristy Bradley in the news release.The department said syphilis is a curable bacterial infection that is primarily spread through sexual contact. A person can contract and spread syphilis through oral, anal and vaginal sex, or through other intimate contact including kissing when a syphilis sore is present in the mouth. [WBAL]

Remember, kids, don't drink, do drugs, hold hands, kiss, or have oral, anal, and vaginal sex. Look, there's a lizard!

Golly, there's so much to do here in Oklahoma...

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Sloppy Seconds: Lindsay Lohan's Car Crash

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 22:01:00 GMT

An Italian doctor performing brain surgery suffered a heart attack during the operation, but completed it anyway at the risk of his own life.

Amy Poehler's new show is in trouble already.

If the police can't stop a woman's stalker from harassing her on and off for a year-and-a-half, isn't she allowed to take the law into her own hands? Isn't it self-defense?

Lindsay Lohan was involved in her third car accident in as many weeks. Then she goes and says she never "drinks, do[es] drugs, or lie[s.]" We believe that, yep.

It was inevitable: Nevada plans to tax prostitution at $5 a pop.

Robin Williams is in Ohio, recovering from heart surgery.

Sometimes sex tapes are helpful: a guy recorded a prositute giving him a blow job, then used the video as evidence when the hooker and her boyfriend robbed him.

Turns out, those weren't nude photos of Australian right-wing kook Pauline Hanson after all. Oh well, whatever helped her lose the election is fine with us.

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PETA Has Really Gone and Done it Now

The Mile High Club Takes On A Whole New Meaning...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:46:00 GMT

Don't worry, passengers were never in any danger on this, an Aeroflot flight. After all, it's not like they're the largest airline in Russia or anything.

Translation (based on a scientific process called "bullshit detection"):

Pilot: Greetings, we are currently elevated at 300,000 feet above the earth's oozing, multi-colored, totally radical crater. Over here, you see the many hundreds of lockers where our employees store their things free of charge, while we continue to charge our passenger $325 per checked bag. And this here is a lovely little mound of hashish.

Cut to: Stewardess rolling a joint with a steady hand. Turbulence comes later, after they've had a few of these suckers. Then she's lighting up, miles above the ground! (Honestly, this can't really be a commercial flight, right? Where the fuck are these people? And aren't they monitoring the controls in case of potential collision or bird attack?)

Stewardess: Nothing, I was just going to tell you I was high becuase no one would ever put this on LiveLeak, so I don't care! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha!

Via LiveLeak.

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ABC News: Guess What? Sex Is Good For You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 20:58:00 GMT

Thank you, ABC News. Without you, we wouldn't be able to have sex without worrying whether we were "harming" ourselves. We were worried nasal-clearing, spirit-lifting orgasm were the worst thing that could happen to our tired, rundown, useless bodies.

Seriously, there is some interesting information in this and a rival USA Today report on how lowering your cholesterol can affect your sex life...

1) Via the good neighbors at ABC:

Men who have sex three times a week can decrease their risk of heart attack and stroke by 50 percent, while women who enjoy sex tend to live longer than those who don't, according to Drs. Michael Roizen and Mehmet Oz.
It's interesting information for a species that thrives on sex.
"Humans maybe are the most sexual species of all," Roizen, an anesthesiologist and internal medicine specialist at the Cleveland Clinic, said on "Good Morning America" today.
He said researchers know this because women are sexually active for almost their entire lives and throughout all times of their menstrual cycle, meaning that they choose to have sex even during times when they are physiologically unable to produce offspring, he added.

Startling. Women are sexually active for almost their entire lives. You heard it here first, people.

Great sex can make your body feel two to eight years younger for women and the same is true for men who have 150 to 350 orgasms a year.
But the benefits don't stop there. Increasing sex from once a month to once a week is the happiness equivalent of an additional $50,000 in income for the typical American, Oz said on "GMA" today.

Yes, but most men would give up $50,000 of their income for sex with someone, anyone, once a week. If you think we're kidding, you obviously didn't hear about the two women selling their virginity for millions of dollars.

2) USA Today one-ups this report with one on statin-based drugs, which lower your cholesterol.

The greater the drop in cholesterol from taking statin drugs, the more sexual pleasure is reduced, suggests a study due Friday at the American Psychosomatic Society meeting in Chicago.

This may be the first research to pit statins against placebos to see how the blockbuster statins affect the ability to have orgasms. Statins generated about $13.1 billion in sales last year, according to IMS Health.

So, you'll have to weigh how much you want your cholesterol to drop versus how much you want enjoy sex? That's harsh.

Good news, though: if you stop-taking these life-saving drugs, your sex life will likely improve. The bad news is... something.

Via ABC and USA Today.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Harry Potter Murder Case Ends

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

If any of our L.A. readers are going to see Kirk Douglas live on stage, consider yourselves very, very lucky... and envied.

The days of rock feuds have returned: Win Butler of Arcade Fire vs. Wayne Coyne of Flaming Lips.

Seems William H. Macy has always been babysitting Jeremy Piven.

If two Mexican drug cartels could set aside their differences, they could put a combined 100,000 henchmen to work against the United States... or take over the Mexican government, easy.

Horton Foote died at the age of 92. The Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright scripted the film of To Kill A Mockingbird.

Reader Art J. alerted us to the trial of a twin brothers accused of attempting to have sex with a corpse that looked hot in a newspaper photo.

A man was convicted of killing another man who appears in the next Harry Potter film.

Call us crazy but this looks like harmless fun to us.

And Robin Williams is in intensive care after complaining of shortness of breath. Gawker notes that his "older brother died two years ago from heart surgery complications..."

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Whoops-- Maybe The Sex Patch Isn't The Greatest Thing Since Sex Itself...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Procter & Gamble's much-publicized Intrinsa sex patch was rejected by the Food & Drug Administration five years ago for several reasons.

The fact that a sexual device was not approved by the American government should come as no surprise, but perhaps the Brits should have taken note of the FDA's reasoning.

Intrinsa, a testosterone patch for postmenopausal women, is designed to combat sexual dysfunction and has been available in Europe for several years, according to Reuters. But until now, there was little sign of danger. Minor side effects had been reported and the most serious concern we'd heard is that Instrinsa was failing to provide any sort of positive effect-- sort of like your average Viagra knockoff available for $12 per 100mg's on the internet.

Recently, The Drug and Therapeutics Bulletin reported on these recent studies and found that "the long term safety of the treatment is unknown. Unwanted side effects are common and not always reversible. For all these reasons, we cannot recommend Intrinsa for use in women with sexual dysfunction."

Guess we're back to the drawing board on solving female sexual dysfunction... although the jury's still out on whether Cialis or Viagra are living up to their hype at the other end of the spectrum...

Photo via this link.

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While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:56:00 GMT

Spinal Tap confirmed they will play an acoustic tour that will hit Vancouver, Seattle, New York, and several other North American cities.

Eddie Murphy will finally get what he always wanted? No, not an Oscar-- it's the chance to play Richard Pryor.

Last year, we brought you the story of a man who had sex with a park bench... had his dick caught in that park bench, then went through four hours of hell as... okay, we'll stop there. Just read this Cracked list about having sex with inanimate objects.

Bartering is the new e-bay.

A guy who had sex with another man, whom he later discovered is a married father and decided to blackmail, has been sentenced to a mere four months in prison.

We were pretty sure this is a joke-- an airline considering charging passengers one euro for using the toilet-- but Strollerderby swears it ain't.

Blake Fielder-Civil's mom blames Amy Winehouse for her son's failing marriage. What about his introducing her to drugs, lady?

And Sharon Osbourne is being sued over that fight on Charm School, the only three minutes of that show anyone's ever sat through.

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While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Don't cancel your Mexican vacation, says the country's President... the shocking drug violence there will be all cleared up, you know, in 2012.

Brittany Snow will appear in a new spinoff of Gossip Girl, a popular educational program.

Another supermodel bites the dust... Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady were married in Santa Monica yesterday, after having denied the wedding rumors for months, even years.

Jake and Reese are rumored to be the next celebrity couple that will walk down the aisle.

Kate Nash is already one step ahead of them, although her fiancee is an unknown.

Just the latest in a long line of 45-year-old hotties to grace the nudie mag, Lisa Rinna will be the next one to pose for Playboy.

This unanimous Supreme Court ruling on religious monuments in public parks is extremely troublesome.

The woman in the car during Morgan Freeman's car accident claims he was drunk. Oh, and she's absolutely not his mistress. And one more: she's suing him for not denying the mistress thing.

Hero of the day? A mother ran into her daughter's rapist while he was out of jail on a weekend pass. He asked after her daughter, apparently in a gleeful manner, and so she followed him into a bar, poured a bottle of petrol all over him and... struck a match...

And Britain's Next Top Model is already topless...

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I Need Whiskey Flavored Condoms Like I Need a Hole in My Head

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 21:34:00 GMT

If you don't know what I'm talking about, read this. If you do, click through to see what these suckers look like out of the box.

Scrumptious! Marketed as McCondoms (cute) you can get two for $3.25. Please do not buy these for me. I am considering giving up both sex and whiskey for Lent. No really. No, seriously.

[Via the Inquisitr]

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When is a Mushroom Not Just a Mushroom?

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 18:26:00 GMT

There's a time and a place for everything (college). The following entry in stunt journalism stunt combines a few of the college-era everythings: tripping on psychedelic mushrooms, and sampling penis-shaped items (that in this case are mushrooms).

Hamilton Morris wrote a feature for Vice in which he obtained penis-shaped psychedelic mushrooms to try them out. This in spite of the fact that his friend had previously suffered a "massive overdose" after eating a quarter ounce of them, and had to be injected with anti-psychotics by the paramedics. That sounds like an absolute nightmare to olds like us (being years out of college), but not to Mr. Morris.

Hamilton was no stranger to magic mushrooms, but described the taste of the penis shrooms as follows: "The penis mushroom was like nothing I had ever put in my mouth. Each time I bit into it, tiny motes of bitter shroom dust flittered through the air. I gagged trying to get it down. I went to lie in bed awhile, where I closed my eyes and saw penis mushrooms bursting from pots of gold coins, stars, and rainbows. Then I hopped up and proceeded to fill my mouth with more mushrooms. I neglected to weigh them out. I later realized that I had eaten half an ounce."

Read what happened next at Vice.

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She Don't See Nothin' Wrong With a Little Bump and Brand

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:41:00 GMT

That good looking chap went home with the lady to his right. They downed some booze, took some drugs and had some sex. Then, apparently, she decided that he should be hers... FOREVAH. So while Wayne Robinson was sleeping (er, passed out), Dominique Fisher decided she would make it so the entire world would know he belonged to her and only her.

When Robinson woke up, he realized that Fisher had cut up his shoulder, carved a star into his back and her name into his arm.

"I went to her place for sex, not to be tattoed. I can't believe she did this to me and I hate her. When I woke I was covered in blood. Dominique was snoring. I just had to get out of there. I didn't even wake her to ask what she'd done. I'm scarred for life,' he told The Sun. 'I wish I'd never met her."

Um, yeah.

Fisher was found guilty of "unlawful wounding."

[Mail Online: One-night stand man wakes to find lover has carved her name into his arm]

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While You Were Sleeping: Another American Cheater Unveiled

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Bill Gates wants rich people to feel the pain, so he unleashed mosquitoes on them. Really.

"The Impaler," a self-described "Vampyre" who ran for Governor of Minnesota in '06 as the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans party (wha?) candidate, has been arrested for harassing his 16-year-old "vampyre hunter" ex-girlfriend.

Female bloggers in Sweden are fending off a company that's trying to bribe them with "beauty treatments." We'll take some!

Fuck Ticketmaster. Nobody can get Springsteen tickets, and now they want to form a monopoly?

Apparently, New York magazine has great success with linking its readers with its own hooker ads.

There's a new President, the world is constantly moving forward, but as usual, Georgia wants to crawl back into America's Puritan womb.

Kids are hanging themselves in school.

Michael Phelps may end up getting charged with drug possession or some other bong-incident-related offense.

And we always knew Barry Bonds was a cheater, but now we can prove it.

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Doctor Sex is the New Teacher Sex

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:07:00 GMT

In this economy, we care less about grades (because who can afford college, anyway?) and more about taking care of our basic needs, like food, clothing, shelter and prescription drugs. So it was only a matter of time before we'd start to hear of people exchanging their most valuable natural resource (sex) for a basic human need (drugs). It's been happening on the mean streets for years, but now a Pennsylvania doctor has been arrested for violating the drug act. And, of course, sexting.

Dr. Samuel Krakow might not have had too much trouble getting laid. Sure, his hairline was starting to recede, but he was a doctor, a doctor! But instead of good, old-fashioned dating, or even trolling craigslist for sex, Dr. Krakow—perhaps sensing his patients' economic strain—employed the barter system.

In exchange for prescription drugs (Oxycontin!) Krakow offered his man junk, in person and over the phone. Unfortunately, one of his "patients" turned out to be a police officer:

Authorities say, in January, police conducted an undercover investigation in which Krakow engaged in lewd and sexual communications with an undercover officer, and offered to deliver prescription drugs in exchange for sex.

Investigators say Krakow also sent the officer a photo of his penis over his cell phone.

In addition, police say, Dr. Krakow provided the undercover officer with a phone number for his former place of employment so that the undercover officer could confirm his status as a doctor who could provide any type of prescription pills.

Police set up an undercover operation on January 30th, in which they say Krakow agreed to meet and deliver Oxycontin pills in exchange for various sexual acts.

Once the drugs were delivered, the drug task force moved in and Krakow was arrested.

[ABC Action News: Doctor accused of drugs-for-sex scheme]

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[Image]

This Kid Is Sooo Wasted...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:02:00 GMT

The only time we've ever driven under the influence is after a visit to the dentist. We can't remember why we needed so much "laughing gas" and novocaine (or whatever it was they gave me before, one assumes, jumping my bones and filming it, a la that Seinfeld episode), but in any case, we remember turning on the car and "Mrs. Robinson" coming over the radio. For some reason, this was all of a sudden the funniest song ever recorded, and we began to sing along in a deliberate monotone that made the song sound like William Shatner with a brutal hangover. Then we started up the car and drove home, not remembering how to get there.

This 7-year-old boy got to have that experience, thankfully years before being allowed to drive. Luckily, his father, who apparently has no shame (or fear of being accused of exploiting children for YouTube glory), had promised to record the boy's tooth removal procedure in a kind of "before and after." Don't ask us why he thought the kid wanted this-- it doesn't really make much sense. Anyway, the poor kid is absolutely out of his mind-- veering from lucid blubbering to high-pitched screaming and back again in just under ten seconds.

Also, he is wearing a Florida Gators football t-shirt. That really says it all for us: this took place in Florida, the nation's craziest state.

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30 Pound Brick of Marijuana Delivered to Wrong Address

Scanner Matt — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:54:00 GMT

It's reminiscent of the plot to those once "unconventional" 90's love dramas/action movies where fate drops in on a young desperate couple in the form of something illegal that could lead to their financial freedom in a get-the-hell-outta-dodge sort of way, which is inevitably followed by blood and mayhem while we root for love to prevail.

But this story is nothing like that:

...a Denton man discovered Monday when he found a lot of green inside a package dropped on his porch by the men in brown.

The man took the package to Denton police later that night, police spokesman Officer Ryan Grelle said. It contained a 30-pound brick of compressed marijuana with a street value of $10,500. [The Dallas Morning News]

And further proof life is rarely like the movies:

“He was expecting tools that he had ordered from Sears,” Grelle said. “He opened it up and thought, ‘Oh my.’ He loaded it up and brought it to the police department.”

The case is still under investigation.

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