Scanner : dogs

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

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It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:58:00 GMT

If you drink as much as these characters do, you'll probably start imagining everyone around you is a canine, too.

Five bucks to the first person who figures out what the hell is going on here and where this came from. We'd love to believe somebody's Aunt Edna made this in her trailer with a Bolex camera and 26 of her long-suffering dogs.

(By the way, our favorite inappropriate grope in movie history occurs at about :30 in.)

Via here.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Makes it Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:14:00 GMT

Last week, while we were taking the dog out for a poo, a man standing in the driveway of the apartment building next door said "Can I have your number?" There was no "Hi, my name is...." There wasn't even a "Hi." We wondered in what world he thinks he can approach women like that and actually get the response he wants. Instead of giving him that speech, we just said "no," gave him a disgusted look and gushed over our poopy puppy. Apparently we weren't the only ones wondering what these men are thinking. As the ladies at Jezebel asked, after a New York Times article on talking to boys about sex, how do you keep boys from becoming [::sigh::] "that creepy guy on Nerve?" [Jezebel]

Speaking of dog poo, we're glad we don't have a microphone held up to our dog's ass every time we take him out. Poor Sasha Obama. [Twitpic]

We could listen to Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen and that guy from the BBC read from Harlequin romance novels all day. Especially when Rogen still has a few extra pounds on him. [Videogum]

What can the Kansas City Police Department do to cut costs during these hard economic times? How, how about just eliminating benefits for same-sex couples? That's cool with everybody, right? [Plog]

Jennifer Love Hewitt did what any respectable starlet should do after a break-up: she got half-naked for Maxim. [People]

A fleet (a battalion?) of dolphins has joined the anti-pirate crusade. [DailyIntel]

At long last: Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman has all fourteen of her children at home. [Us]

Divorced Couple in Custody Battle Over Dog Semen

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:57:00 GMT

We've never had the desire to get a pet with a significant other (okay, maybe once). It's much better going into the relationship knowing whose pet is whose so that when the inevitable split comes, we at least have our furry friends—who love us unconditionally—to cuddle up to. A not-so-wise couple that divorced seven years ago were back in court this week fighting over a dog. Sort-of.

Karen Scully, who lives in Florida, and her ex-husband, Anthony Scully, who stayed in Michigan after the divorce, have gone before Michigan family court judge Cheryl Matthews to determine which of them is legally entitled to frozen semen belonging to Cyrus, Regg and Romeo—dogs.

The three dogs, all AKC-registered bullmastiffs, are apparently worth $2,000, making their spunk just as valuable.

In the end, the judge—who at first asked "I asked, 'Am I Being Punk'd? Is this a 'Candid Camera' thing?"—ruled that it was not a divorce matter and told the couple they would have to ruff it out in civil court. Except she did not make that terrible pun; we did.

[Freep.com: Battle over frozen dog sperm gives judge pause -- and paws]

Related:

A Very Important Annoucement from Scanner HQ or: Why Scanner Emily is No Longer on the Road to Becoming a Crazy Cat Lady

Who Does Depression Hurt? Everybody Except Women Taking Semen Vaginally, Says a New Study

Somebody Pass the Creamy Cum Crepes!

Semen Now Considered A Dangerous Weapon In Oregon

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Female-Friendly Porn

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 23:17:00 GMT

Fifteen employees have been fired from the Kaiser Permanente hospital where Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets after they snooped through her medical records. What a way to go. We probably would have done the same thing. [Us]

Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, one of "The Real Housewives of New York," has separated from hubby Count Alexandre de Lesseps. But she's keeping her title! [Yahoo!]

Here's your chance to win a free copy of a young-adult novel with the best title ever: "My Parents Are Sex Maniacs." [Annick Press]

Jennifer Hudson's three dogs will be a part of her wedding to David Otunga. [People]

The ladies at MarieClaire have rounded up what they consider to be the most female-friendly porn sites. We, of course, have been doing a lot of bookmarking today. [MarieClaire]

[Image]

When You Care Enough to Give Your Dog $1,300 Fake Testicles (During a Recession)

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 21:17:00 GMT

“You would assume that with people losing their homes and jobs, the last thing on their mind is buying a pair of fake testicles for their pets."

You can say that again, Gregg Miller.

Miller is the founder of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles, a Kansas City, MO-based company that manufactures testicular implants for your four-legged friends. And by four legged friends, we mean dogs, cats, bulls, really "any pet that is neutered."

Um, why? To make your pet feel like a male again, of course. Or continue to feel like a male. According to the ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles website, the prosthetic balls should be implanted when the real ones are taken out, but in most cases, can be put in years later. You know, if your dog lost that special something since you took away his manhood.

Funny, right? Well, apparently more than 250,000 pets around the world are carrying around a set, and according to Miller, sales of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles have been steady since the recession began. “Folks in California love their pets and are trendsetters," Miller said. "They’d do anything for them, no matter what the economy is doing.”

Oh, Southern California. Riiight.

[Bloomberg via Jossip]

Related:

There's A New Testicle Eating Champion...

**While You Were Sleeping: All Kinds Of Sh*t Went Down, No One Was Injured**

Beware Of Blowfish Balls

Rubber Junk -- THAT Kind of Junk -- Under Attack in Virginia

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Indian Girl Marries a Dog (Video)

Colleen Kane — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 17:35:00 GMT

This isn't a home video of a little girl playing tea party and then marrying her dog to her doll. What follows is Reuters footage of a girl being married to a dog.

Villagers in India's eastern Jharkhand Munda Dandha village married a girl to a stray dog to ward off an evil spirit and deflect any curses levied on her family. She's still allowed to marry a man eventually without divorcing her dog. Bigamy/ beastiality all in one!

We're afraid to see what marriages would result if children in the U.S. were allowed to 1) get married and 2) marry animals.

Related:

When Straight Marriage Goes Gay

Guess Which Prez Candidate is Gay for Gay Marriage

The Human Herp: Ken Starr Returns To Defend Marriage Against People Who Want It

Condom Commercials Getting Even Randier On YouTube

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 16:35:00 GMT

AIDS Map recommends you use extra-strength condoms, such as Durex Ultra Strong, when engaging in anal sex. Which is great news for you, since you'll want to have a lot of butt sex after watching the company's latest NSFW YouTube ad.

Sloppy Seconds: Kelis to Serve Up a Different Kind of Milkshake

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:22:00 GMT

Yesterday, two birds took down a Kansas City man's ice cream. Today, an entire plane full of people, right into the Hudson River. [BBC]

A 19-year-old Wisconsin woman is facing charges after she got drunk and ran pantsless through an IHOP. Good thing there were never cops around all the times we ran half naked through fast food chains. [The Smoking Gun]

A man in Atlantic City is facing charges after he posed as a female veterinarian and doing all the things veterinarians do, except, we hope, fixing cats and dogs and other furries. [Press of Atlantic City]

And dumbass Johnny Knoxville is facing charges for allegedly taking a grenade into LAX. WTF, Johnny? [Yahoo!]

How excited are we for the "Gossip Girl" spin-off that will tell the story of Lily and Rufus? Very. Very excited. Srsly. XOXO. [Us]

Rappers Kelis and Nas are reportedly expexcting their first child. [MTV]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

Woman Attacked With Ghetto-Ass Dildo

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 23:29:00 GMT

No, we don't mean ghetto ass dildo, we mean ghetto-ass dildo—as in the most ghetto dildo we've ever heard of.

On Monday, a man in Australia broke into a woman's home only to assault her with a "large rubber dildo wrapped in duct tape."

While the woman has only minor injuries, unfortunately, that's where the hilarity ends (not that assault is hilarious).

After the man attacked the woman with said ghetto-ass dildo, he tied her dog to a tree, where it choked to death.

The intruder faces life in prison, though it is not clear whether he will be charged with sexual assault.

[Courier Mail: Burglar used sex toy to beat woman victim, court told]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

Do It Yourself, And Then With Yourself (Or the One You Love): Homemade Dildo Cam

The Second Coming: Sin-Free Sex Toys for Christians

Babeland Staff: The MacGyvers of Dildos?

The Media Made More Mistakes Than Ever This Year

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 19:10:00 GMT

From Regret the Error, here's a list of the worst (and most amusing) slip-ups the media made in 2008... at least until they make some more in the next three weeks, of course...

The first thing we gotta ask is, why does anyone report (as news) the story that a certain person has herpes? And even if that's a wise move, to publicly shame someone for no reason, it still doesn't explain why they'd publish a story about a nobody like David Guest having the STD. Guest, it was claimed, had received the disease from Liza Minnelli as an unintended wedding present. Of course, it's totally fabricated, as the Daily Mail and other papers were forced to admit in print:

In articles published on 23 and 26 May 2008, we gave the impression that Mr Gest had contracted a sexually transmitted infection and alleged that he had Liza Minnelli’s dog killed without her knowledge.
This was wrong. David Gest has never had a sexually transmitted infection and did not have Ms Minnelli’s dog killed.
We apologise to Mr Gest for any embarrassment caused.

Isn't this like LBJ saying, Yes, it's untrue what I said about my opponent, "but make the bastard deny it"? In other words, maybe a few people missed it the first time-- a retraction only reinforces the public awareness of the possibility of the story's truth, as in when you phrase a denial as "No, I did not do that horrible thing," psychologically, many people think, "Hmm, 'horrible thing.' Wonder if he did it."

Ah, never mind, we can't explain it. Just read more:

Here’s how the famous humor writer [Dave Barry] chose to correct a misspelling he made in a column published by the Miami Herald:
In yesterday’s column about badminton, I misspelled the name of Guatemalan player Kevin Cordon. I apologize. In my defense, I want to note that in the same column I correctly spelled Prapawadee Jaroenrattanatarak, Poompat Sapkulchananart and Porntip Buranapraseatsuk. So by the time I got to Kevin Cordon, my fingers were exhausted.

Wonder if he spelled "Cordon" with an "n" and an "m." These and more via Regret the Error.

Related:

The Media Thinks It's Finally Figured Out Why Hillary Lost (Hint: It's Not The Media)

73-Year-Old Porn Star a Japanese Sensation, American Media Obsession

Update on That Girl Who IM'd Her Dad About Losing Virginity

Joe Biden Had My Vote, Has My Heart

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:33:00 GMT

Click through for the sweetest thing you'll see all day. We promise.

Sloppy Seconds: Where Joe Biden Stands on Prop8

The Veep Deba(cle): Why Everybody Loses

Anna Wintour: A Political Prophet?

[Image, Image]

Caption This: Miley Cyrus Likes it Ruff

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 17:34:00 GMT

[Image]

Presidential Candidate Dogs Annoy The Sh*t Out Of Us

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:26:00 GMT

After 4,000 votes, the above-pictured dog was named the winner of the "My Dog Looks Like Obama" photo competition.

While we understand that dog lovers can't control their urges to share their boring candids with the rest of us, there's something that sticks in our collective craws about these pics...

And wait till you see the McCain lookalike winner...

The Obama winner, first off, is Amore Francine of Mt. Clemens, MI, a boxer weighing a mere 52 pounds. (Insert Cassius Clay joke here.) Amore, by the way, couldn't give a cat's ass about his latest triumph, insisting that he has no opinion on the US Presidential race: "Whichever one keeps me in the most red balls and spikes my water bowl with J&B, that's the one I lick-- er, like-- the best."

And here's your "My Dog Looks Like McCain" winner... and some equally brutal runners up:

Now that's more like it. (The others, plus more about this silly contest, can be found here.)

Upside Down Dogs Freak Us the F*ck Out

McCain May Have Committed Vehicular Manslaughter in 1964

More Girls Say "Yes"

Vote Girl: Disenfranchised

Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz A Welcome Distraction From Boring Obama Stories

Cute Overload Keeps the Pets in Costumes Coming

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 18:01:00 GMT

Because we're not going to stop until someone pries the computer from our cold, dead hands, here are even more amazing (and, yes, horrifying) pets in Halloween costumes. This time, Cute Overload has done us the courtesy of organizing these costumes according to type like the "Famous Human Costume" (Elvis, anyone?) and the "Non Sequiter Costume" (A mixtape? Really?).

But the most exceptional costume in the bunch is not a Daschound dressed as a hot dog (snore) or a terrier in an Ewok cape (so 2006), it is this, ridiculously adorable photo:

Sloppy Seconds: Jerry Lewis Continues to Hate on the Gays

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Would you like to watch Britney Spears work out? Here you go. [Faded Youth]

We went from being not so into Matt Damon to wishing we were fucking Matt Damon. He's doing GOTV in Florida this week! [People]

More sad news for Jennifer Hudson and her family. [CNN]

Considering we've never seen him live, we should probably see Michael Jackson in concert before his face implodes. [FameCrawler]

Speaking of Mr. Jackson, 3,960 people dressed as zombies got together to do the "Thriller" dance in Austin. [Thrill the World Austin]

Prepare for cute overload: a dog risked his life to guard a box of kittens in a burning home. [Neatorama]

82-year-old Jerry Lewis continued to hate on the gays, calling cricket "a fucking fag game" on Australian TV. [Radar]

Related:

Video of the Day: Sarah Silverman Makes a Funny

Top 10 Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgeries

Here's Why We Want to Eat Cute Things Alive

While You Were Sleeping: The Death of Scrabulous

Upside Down Dogs Freak Us the F*ck Out

Emily Farris — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 14:22:00 GMT

We may be a little too well known as crazy cat ladies, and while the title is well deserved, we like to consider ourselves dog people as well. Which is why we generally love pictures of dogs. We have a friend who sends us pictures of puppies on a near daily basis, and our heart breaks each time. But these pictures of dogs upside down really freak us out. Maybe it's all the weird face skin that hangs so well?

Anyway, enjoy... if you dare.

[UpsideDownDogs.com]

Related:

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Stuff We Absolutely Need to Validate Ourselves: Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure

Cutie With Big Brown Eyes Seeks Mate for Play or Serious Relationship

Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Scanner reader and Debonair Magazine writer John De Feo alerted us to this very interesting survey of global sex trends.

Did you know more people are Googling for lesbian sex in Louisville than in any other US city? Well, at least on the internet.

Among the article's most interesting findings:

Lesbian Sex

Average Daily Search Volume – 56,024
Most Popular In - Prague, Czech Republic
Most Popular U.S. City - Louisville, KY

TEEN SEX:

Average Daily Search Volume – 54,139
Most Popular In - Delhi, India
Most Popular U.S. City - Louisville, KY

Again, Czech Republic leads in several worldwide findings, including Anal Sex, Hardcore Sex, and Gay Sex, while Louisville also leads statewide in Gay Sex. (Virgina, meanwhile, has the most people looking for Anal and Animal Sex, although not necessarily in the same search bar)

Several cities in India are on the board, all of them for web-based bestiality hunts: Horse Sex and Dog Sex. Yum.

Check out the rest of his preliminary findings here.

Google Thinks You're All Perverts

McCain To Find His VP On Google

Look Both Ways Before Walking The Streets, 'Cause Google Maps Might Be Watching

Giorgia Palmas Becomes Overnight Internet Sensation Based On One Photo

Dog Sh*t Art Piece Floats Away, Lands In Children's Home

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 15:21:00 GMT

Only July 31st, an exhibit by American artist Paul McCarthy floated away from the grounds of a Switzerland museum, its curators admitted yesterday. Before it could be grounded, the art piece, entitled "Complex Shit," had smashed a greenhouse window, brought down a powerline, and scared the, um, shit out of the locals...

According to Breitbart, the piece

is the size of a house. The wind carried it 200 metres from the Paul Klee Centre in Berne before it fell back to Earth in the grounds of a children's home, said museum director Juri Steiner.
The inflatable turd broke the window at the children's home when it blew away on the night of July 31, Steiner said. The art work has a safety system which normally makes it deflate when there is a storm, but this did not work when it blew away.
Steiner said McCarthy had not yet been contacted and the museum was not sure if the piece would be put back on display.

Anorak jokes that its "Vomit In Sock" now has some serious competition for the Turner Prize. Comments about "that sculpture having the runs" can be included in the comments section or kept to oneself...

Related:

Art Apparently Has Nowhere Else to Go

Score! Photographer Pulls Off Public Nude Shoot Despite Police Invasion...

Magazine Fights Censorship With Nude Six-Year-Old Cover Girl

Grope The Sculpture, Live Forever

Here's A Promotional Idea: Park A Hot Tub Full Of Naked Women In Your Storefront Window

The Whole World Would Get Naked In The Rain For Spencer Tunick

Today In WTF: 1970s Kidnapper, Still On The Lam, Turns Up With Cloned Dogs?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 21:03:00 GMT

There's a Lifetime movie in here somewhere... if the female leads in Lifetime movies were kidnapping rapist beauty pageant winners who fall in love with Mormon missionaries, stalk them for decades, change their names, go on the lam, and turn up in the news in 2008 as the owner of cloned dogs...

Time Magazine broke a story that shows Bernann McKinney, owner of five pitbulls she claims to have have had cloned in Seoul from the ear of her beloved (now deceased) former dog, to be, with a great degree of certainty, none other than wanted bail jumper Joyce McKinney, the former Miss Wyoming.

There is so much goodness here, you're just going to have to settle for the original, full-length piece, although here's a taste in the meantime:

The 27-year-old McKinney was accused in court [in 1977]... of abducting 21-year-old Mormon missionary Kirk Anderson from a church in a London suburb... [where] he was chained to a [cottage] bed and forced to have sex with McKinney for three days. McKinney, once a Mormon herself, was said to have formed a crush on him after they'd first had sex in '75. Anderson tried to break off the relationship but McKinney... stalked him to England where [he'd become a] missionary to escape her attentions.
McKinney claimed that she was trying to rekindle her affair with Anderson using techniques of seduction recommended by... The Joy of Sex.
McKinney told the court that the chains, fur-lined manacles, rope, chloroform and wedding trousseau complete with "pink feathers and see-through nighties" were all props for the bondage sessions she planned for [him.] "We had such a fun time — just like old times," McKinney told the court in her native North Carolina drawl. "I love him so much that I would ski naked down Mount Everest with a carnation up my nose if he asked me to," she added. Such sexual frankness rather stuck out in a magistrates court in sedate, suburban Surrey, England, in those days.

For his part, Anderson claimed that he'd been kidnapped at gunpoint, forced to have sex while chained to the bed (and twice more unchained), and that, despite being six foot four and 240 lbs., had never resisted. "I had made a plan for my release," Anderson testified, "but it wasn't through running away. I was going to cooperate." Even after his ordeal, when McKinney and May drove him back to London and a long lunch in Trafalgar Square, he still cooperated.

We call bullshit on that last paragraph-- the entire paragraph. Anyway, there is some plausibility to this story; McKinney then went on the run with a friend who was also involved in the kidnapping, ending up in police custody in Atlanta, although she was released because her case was felt to be unworthy of an extradition order. In 1984, McKinney was busted again, this time in Utah, outside Anderson's office, with rope and handcuffs in her car. "Consensual," my ass. Soon after, all traces of her disappear... until...

In Seoul... [she] denied... that she is one and the same Joyce McKinney who is still technically a fugitive from British justice... Both [McKinney and Bernann] are former beauty queens, both often use a wheelchair, both owned a pitbull. And on the voter's register of Avery County, the North Carolina birthplace of the onetime Miss Wyoming, there is listed one Joyce Bernann McKinney. A clone perhaps?

Via Time.

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which Our Minds Are Blown

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:27:00 GMT

Bleebloobloop. So much happened this week our brains are on overload. We're about to crash. Go see for yourself what we mean.

Highs:

We saw lots of boobies at the Mermaid Parade.

Is there anything better than the Princess Bride lightsaber battle?

Possibly only the Pipecleaner Dance.

A stranded hiker used her bra to save her own life.

We had a little visit from our old friend Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

We composed a haiku or two for our old friend Salon Sarah Hepola.

This two-legged dog may be the cutest thing we saw all week.

Unless you consider Ayveq, the masturbating walrus, cute. R.I.P. Ayveq.

Bears strutted their stuff on the runway in Milan. Grrr!

Part of us wants to be just like these "manly" Albanian women when we grow up.

DMX told it like it is.

There could be hope for Scanner Emily's boobs, after all.

Haha. He said "balls."

Lows:

George Carlin, who was fucking hottie back in the day, died Sunday.

We had a little disagreement about Amy Winehouse looking good. We should have been more clear. She looked good for Amy Winehouse.

Is there anything scarier than the world's ugliest dog?

Possibly only the world's largest cockroach (in Scanner Emily's bedroom at 3 a.m.).

We discussed the Supreme Court's ruling that the death penalty cannot be used on rapists who do not commit murder.

Sorry we lied to you about becoming an escort service.

Mini Me made a sex tape.

Image via Scanner Brian's flickr.

This Dog Is Hope on Two Puffy Little Legs

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 20:32:00 GMT

This is Hope. She's a Maltese who was born with two out of four legs. Which, you know, we mist up just thinking about. But Hope wasn't bipedal for long. Check out how technology got this runt on her feet--er, airplane wheels.

That's right, those are model airplane wheels that Hope uses to jet around the house. This dog's cool and all but does not hold a candle to another two-legged, similarly named, little gift named Faith.

Faith doesn't need any wheels or contraptions to get around. No, she just hops on the two legs she was born with. She walks down the street next to her owner. ON TWO LEGS!! This is seriously the craziest thing we've ever seen.

Russian Rapist Dog Scares, Charms Us

Emily Farris — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 20:13:00 GMT

He just wanted a private moment with the yellow stuffed animal. Can you really blame him for that?

What Is This Tiny Little Dog Praying For?

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 20:51:00 GMT

a) Obama in 2008.

b) A hotdoll

c) Discovery of the true basis of reality through self-inquiry and radiance of the heart.

(Since we know you are dying for it) Answer below:

If you guessed "c" you were correct. This is Conan, the 1.5-year-old dog of Joei Yoshikuni, Japanese Buddhist priest and apparently skilled dog trainer. Yoshikuni taught the pup to pray with him in the morning. But Conan doesn't stop at prayer:

The priest is now trying to teach him how to meditate.

Well, sort of.

"Basically, I am just trying to get him to sit still while I meditate," he explained. "It's not like we can make him cross his legs."

Paris Hilton Punks the Paparazzi

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Paris Hilton has had a spiritual awakening. She was seen in a trance, wandering the streets in her bra and panties and without her beloved chihuahua, Louis Safer, under her arm. She was escorted by a guy who looks way too much like a drugged-out Pat Moriata for our sanity.

TMZ has the video, but the joke was on them... and the rest of the paparazzo:

Paris is seen in the video with a shaman, whom she says had "changed [her] life." He has her give a diamond necklace to a total stranger at an LA coffee shop because "the greatest gift is to give." The shaman is full of shit, as the frumpy non-celebs know at first inspection during Parishaman's stop at a spritualist bookstore. The Huffington Post describes how the media had a field day with this story over the last week, with several sources outright calling Hilton brainwashed and crazy. Well, it was about time somebody took these fucksticks to task:

Turns out, as some outlets later discovered, the "mystic" was an actor named Maxie Santillan Jr., who has appeared on CSI and My Name Is Earl. And though some accused Hilton of getting Punk'd, the joke's on them: The entire scene was staged for a new show from Punk'd producer Ashton Kutcher premiering Sunday on E! (10:30 ET/PT).

No word on whether Paris asked for the necklace back when the shoot was over.

Balancing Spaniel Warms Our Hearts and Makes Us Feel Kind of Tired

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:31:00 GMT

This 8-year-old King Charles Spaniel has more purpose in her life than anyone you know. She balances shit on her head and body while in a "trance-like state" for hours at a time. The bitch puts that circus seal and his red ball to shame. She's got steel implants in her legs and a weak heart, but still she is pulling off shit like this:

The only trick our dog ever learned was how to steal sandwiches off the kitchen counter, and it wasn't because we taught him how. Little asshole doesn't even know how to make a decent cup of coffee let alone balance a plate with yogurt on it for 5 hours.

Texas Mayor Resigns After Stealing Neighbor's Dog

Brian Fairbanks — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 14:04:00 GMT

No, this is not just some roundabout way of trying to get away with posting obscenely cute puppy pictures. We're still recovering from the Super Bowl and too lazy to find a picture of the actual kidnapped dog.

The Mayor of Alice, Texas apparently agreed to watch her neighbor's dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She then called the vacationers with the bad news: their dog was dead. Guess what? The neighbor eventually figured out the dog was still alive when they, um, saw the dog alive still.

The genius Mayor was forced to resign.

Armor, Doggy Style

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 19:01:00 GMT

We're not too familiar with the world of fetishism (though we're pretty sure we hung out with some fetishists at Santacon on Saturday....more on that later) but we think that dressing one's self up in armor probably has something to do with fetishes (please correct us if we're wrong). But what the hell is going on when one dresses his dog up in armor? Seriously, that dog looks so pissed.

[pitbullarmory.com]

What Your Life Has Been Missing:

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 17:46:00 GMT

A photo of the world's tallest dog next to the world's smallest dog to go with your prisoner-trained guide dog.

And Now for Something Completely Adorable

sarahhepola — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 17:00:00 GMT

We are having an emotional week. We keep crying and shit. Yes, we actually have a column based on our tendency toward wet faces in public places, but this week we are especially, like, volatile. Why? As in all things, we blame Angela Lansbury.

This morning, when we came across the Puppies Behind Bars link on Metafilter, we were hoping for a little absurdity/distraction. Say, cute puppies in hilarious costumes. But no. No! We didn’t get that at all. Instead, we got this fully heartwarming story about prisoners training puppies to be guide dogs, and now we’re all weepy over our cappuccino. Screw you, Puppies Behind Bars. We’re trying to keep it together here.