Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

[Image]

Whatever... He's My Kind Of Criminal

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 20:32:00 GMT

Meet 21-year-old Antonio Vasquez. He was arrested in Fresno over the weekend after he broke into a home, robbed its inhabitants of $900 and...

a) humped their dog.
b) beat a man with an 8-pound sausage.
c) threw spices in a man's face.

B and C.

The bizarre crime is detailed in a Fresno County Sheriff's Department report, the funniest document you'll read this month. According to investigators, Vasquez, pictured in the mug shot below, robbed the home of a group of farmworkers, two of whom were assaulted during the 8 AM confrontation. Santiago Cabrera told deputies that he was sleeping on the home's front porch when he "felt something hit him in the face," the report notes. Struggling to awake, Cabrera found "an unknown male bent over him. The male continued to strike him in the face and head area with a sausage." Santiago, deputies reported, "said the sausage was about 8" long." Another resident, Cesar Macias, recalled that he was sleeping on a futon in the family room when the intruder threw Pappy's seasoning in his face. The Fresno-based Pappy's specializes in "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades," according to its web site. Before fleeing the residence, Vasquez, for some reason, removed his shorts, which contained his driver's license, credit cards, school IDs, and cell phone. He ran into a nearby orange orchard, but was soon apprehended by a deputy who noted that the suspect was wearing "a white sleeveless tee shirt and green boxers." However, cops were unable to recover Vasquez's principal weapon. "I asked Santiago where the sausage was," Deputy George Ozburn wrote, "he advised his dog ate it."

[The Smoking Gun: Assault With an 8-Inch Sausage]

Scanner : dog humping

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

Whatever... He's My Kind Of Criminal