Scanner : democrat

Racist Small Town Hoodlums Getting Away with Murder

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 May 2009 17:10:00 GMT

Brandon Piekarsky entering court before his acquittal on third-degree murder charges. Piekarsky's level of involvement in the killing is unclear, as he wasn't believed to have helped in the beating.

On July 12th, in Shenandoah, Pennsylvania, a group of white teenagers were walking home when they came across a young Hispanic man in the park with a teenage girl. One of them yelled out, "Isn't it a little late for you to be out? Get your Mexican boyfriend out of here."

The Mexican man, whose name was Luis Ramirez, became enraged and screamed back at them and began calling for backup. Eighteen-year-old Brian Scully then traded punches with Ramirez, with no one ever agreeing on how the fight actually got started. Derrick Donchak, then 19, jumped on top of the badly-beaten Ramirez and, with a piece of metal between his knuckles, began pummeling Ramirez's face. Miraculously, Ramirez was able to recover and the boys ran off, hurling more racial slurs back as they ran. This enraged Ramirez, who chased after them until a quick blow to the head from Colin Walsh, a 17-year-old component of the all-white group, wiped him out. While Ramirez was down, Scully (it is said by witnesses) kicked Ramirez in the head, causing him to foam at the mouth and convulse. He died as a result of that brutal blow.

At the boys' trial, no one seemed to dispute these facts (except which boy did what.) Nonetheless, the jury acquitted the accused of third degree murder and various other charges while convicting them of simple assault. The defendants and their families emerged from the courtroom triumphant, while legal observers say this was on obvious miscarriage of justice:

"There's been a complete failure of justice," said Gladys Limon, staff attorney for the Mexican American Legal Defense and Education Fund, who attended the trial and informed Ramirez's family of the verdict. "It's just outrageous and very difficult to understand how any juror could have had reasonable doubt."

She said the evidence "clearly established that Luis Ramirez was brutally beaten."

Prosecutors cast Ramirez as the victim of a gang of drunken white teens motivated by a dislike of their small coal town's burgeoning Hispanic population. But the jury evidently sided with defense attorneys, who called Ramirez the aggressor and characterized the brawl as a street fight that ended tragically. [New York Daily News]
As Avery Friedman argues persuasively in the video from CNN yesterday, this was a pretty clear-cut case of jury nullification: the weight of evidence against the accused was so powerful that it's clear the all-white jury -- like similar juries in the South during the Civil Rights struggle -- was not going to convict two young white men of murdering a Mexican. Even if, as Friedman says, "the only reason he is dead is because he was Mexican." [Crooks and Liars]

Now, some activists are putting pressure on the state's Democratic Governor, Ed Rendell, to speak out about the hate crime. They believe the worst is still to come from a town that is almost 100% Caucasian and only 1% Hispanic...

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PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

Is This Another Murder-Coverup of a Black Man?

This Whole Chris Brown and Rihanna Story Is Getting Sicker By The Day

Whoops-- Maybe The Sex Patch Isn't The Greatest Thing Since Sex Itself...

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:45:00 GMT

Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke just gave us another reason to hate his awful company-- he signed a petition to ban gay adoptions in Arkansas.

A gay porn star attending college has received a reported 150 hate e-mails from so-called "good Christians."

Bigots like Rick Warren and Sarah Palin are among Time's 100 Most Influential People.

Moron Republican Congressman Steve King thinks gays wouldn't get "bashed" so much if they just stopped acting so gay (never mind that many hate crime victims are straight people mistaken for homosexuals.) Jon Stewart, thankfully, had something to say about this.

Kudos to Britain for banning hatemonger and violence-inciting shout machine Michael Savage from entering their country ever again.

A McDonald's in Kentucky settled with two patrons who were called "faggots" by restaurant staff.

By the way, we heard that the Democratic Governor of New Hampshire might veto the gay marriage bill. Anyone else heard this?

The most trusted Mom(s) in America? Portia and Ellen:

With 31%, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi took the top spot. Rounding out the list were Jennifer Aniston (22%), Rachel Ray (20%), Angelina and Brad (18%) and coming in last was Oprah Winfrey with 9%. [Strollerderby]

Related:

Kiwis Krazy for Shirtless Servers

This Week in Gayness: Men's Magazines

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

This Week in Gayness: Gay Conversions Under Attack

You Can Take the Boy Out of Chelsea...

The Gaythering Storm Against Anti-Gay Organization NOM

While You Were Sleeping: Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape Is Inspiring to Young Girls?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

Say what you want about its culture, but Wal-Mart workers in Miami may be the first in the nation to unionize.

The top 10 places to kiss.

Here's one we haven't heard before: police raided a topless bar that featured a fourteen-year-old stripper.

Arlen Spector's historic decision to switch to the Democratic Party yesterday not only gives the Donkeys 60 seats in the Senate, it also means they'll probably seize the seat next fall.

SJP and Matthew Broderick are having twins (through a surrogate.)

How can anyone give a flying fuck what Sean Hannity says after he relentlessly defended Kim Kardashian as a role model.

Dolph Lungren probably wishes he could've had Sly around to kick some major ass while this was going down.

And do you think this mother should have her children taken away? She is very overweight and was feeding them McDonald's (albeit UK McDonald's) at six months!

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part One)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 20:10:00 GMT

This is Scanner Brian-- and Scanner Brian alone-- with a list that needed to be done. Males have something against admitting they are feminists, perhaps because they mistakenly believe the term applies only to women.

Today, I decided to set out to right that wrong-- much as these women (and one man) did over the course of their very interesting lives. The result is pure history-filled entertainment and not meant to be definitive by any means. For one thing, Gloria Steinem, Virginia Woolf, and Sylvia Plath should be on a list of the great feminists, to be sure, but I found that so much has been written about them already and decided it was best to spare you my half-assed attempts to say something original about them. (By the way, we excluded Susan B. Anthony from this list because of her staunch anti-abortion stance-- these ten, in no particular order, were the ones we personally appreciate the most...)

Karen Silkwood. In her lifetime, nuclear plant whistleblower Karen Silkwood was not known as a feminist, but that doesn't matter to us. She stood up to those (men) who tried to put her in her place, who told her she couldn't have a romantic relationship with another woman. They told her she should keep quiet about being contaminated by plutonium at the plant where she worked, even though incompetent management had caused the exposures. But she didn't listen, even when there were numerous threats on her life. As you may already know, Silkwood was killed in one of the great unsolved murder cases in American history. Of course, everyone knows she was run off the road by agents of Kerr-McGee and/or the US Government-- although she crashed into a guardrail en route to deliver documents to a New York Times reporter, documents that were missing from the wreckage, damage was also found to her rear bumper, suggesting she was actually hit from behind. Nora Ephron scripted and Mike Nichols film of Silkwood, which was nominated for several Academy Awards in 1984.

Louise Brooks. Brooks was a dancer and movie actress who told the studios to stuff it when they wanted to force her to perform in lame "sound pictures." She ignored the "You'll never work in this town again" threats and decided she didn't need those control freak men in Hollywood. Instead, she moved to Germany and starred in the first film to ever feature a lesbian character, Pandora's Box, now regarded as a classic. Her sexually-charged performances in German cinema were all censored or remained unreleased for years. "By her own admission, she was a sexually liberated woman, not afraid to experiment, even posing fully nude for "art" photography, and her liaisons with many film people were legendary, although much of it is speculation."

Crystal Lee Sutton. A sadly overlooked feminist icon if there ever was one, Sutton is known as "the real Norma Rae." In the early 1970s, Sutton worked at a textile plant in South Carolina, making $2.65 folding towels. She soon got union fever and stood up to harassment and sexism to become the spiritual leader of the entire labor movement in this country. Of course, a few years later, Sally Field starred as a character based on Sutton's early work with the ACTWU.

Kate Chopin. Missouri native Chopin wrote the Awakening at the turn of the 20th century, and it couldn't have been better timed-- from the perspective of history. In 1899, it couldn't have been met with more of an out-of-touch backlash. Chopin's novel about a woman's struggle with societal standards, motherhood vs. self, and "the woman as property" norm took America by storm, with the outcry so great that her publisher delete the book before most members of the public were able to purchase it. Nonetheless, its "unwholesome" attitude toward sex was one of the key factors in sparking the century's feminist movement.

Shirley Chisholm. What didn't this feminist superhero accomplish in her life? (We didn't want you to actually answer that, but if you're looking for a torch-bearer, see Bella Abzug, below.) Chisholm, who would be my Congresswoman were she still alive to represent my district, was the first African-American woman of Congress, the first on a major-party ballot for President and the first woman on the Democratic ticket. Chisholm went on to receive more than 150 votes for President at the 1972 DNC. (The best anecdote about her is one unrelated to her feminism. When racist Governor George Wallace was shot and very nearly assassinated during that same Presidential campaign, Chisholm caused a huge uproar for visiting him in the hospital.)

Continue reading in Part Two.

While You Were Sleeping: Oprah's School's Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Attention, ladies: Gerard Butler's next movie features the actor in a nude scene.

Bruno has been slapped with an NC-17 rating for pervasive sexxx.

Josh Hartnett is in the hospital for stomach pains. Cue gerbil allegations in three, two...

The weirdest (but maybe most interesting) story in ages: the woman who starved her 1-year-old son to death because her cult would not let the boy eat unless he said "Amen" pled guilty in the most unusual plea deal we've ever heard of. Prosecutors claim that the only way they could get her to take the deal was to promise-- and this they had to do in open court-- that, should the child be resurrected (as his mother claims he will one day), the charges are withdrawn. God bless Baltimore, baby.

A boy (age unknown) won a $2.3 million negligence settlement against the physician who botched his circumcision. I wouldn't do it for anything less than moving the decimal point two places to the right.

Oprah Winfrey's famous South African school is seeing its second sex scandal in as many years.

Sarah Palin has to pick a Democrat to fill a state Senate seat in Alaska. So, of course, she has a Republican switch his voter registration, say that there was something "wrong" with it, and take the seat. This is totally excusable politics, except for the fact that they're so sneaky and lie about their reasoning, the Democrats who have to accept this will never do it. Can Governor Palin do anything right?

A bunch of Somali pirates attacked... a decoy ship filled with troops looking for pirates to capture. Nice.

And Holly Madison claims to have insisted on "minimal" Photoshopping at Playboy during her time there.

While You Were Sleeping: Principal Walks In At The Wrong Moment

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Rush Limbaugh is at it again: he's predicting Ted Kennedy is going to die soon.

This cat amuses the bejesus out of our stupid asses.

M.I.A. denied naming her baby Ickitt... but hasn't convinced us of this yet because she won't say what she did name the lil' thang.

Questions remain: will Specter switch to the Democrats? Will Howard Dean join the Cabinet? And is Al Franken ever going to be named Senator?

Moby says what we're all thinking: the weather is too harsh up here in the winter and it's time to migrate elsewhere... at least from October through May.

Wanna be Bruce Lee?

Live in Sweden and want to hire a teenage babysitter? You might reconsider that after reading this.

Rihanna is trying to focus on "new music," which is easy when your boyfriend/husband is busy with the trial for beating you up, spends his nights drinking illegally, and has a soon-to-be-condemned album of his own to work on.

And a school principal in Arizona is gouging his eyes out after walking in a student getting it on with a teacher.

Sloppy Seconds: What Will Rihanna Say to Chris Brown?

While You Were Sleeping: Oscar Upsets?

Florida Pastor Wants Us to Have Sex!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:24:00 GMT

This guy is a Pastor and he believes people should have sex-- and not the unprotected, married kind of sex that may result in 14 babies. The other kind-- the kind that people actually want to have!

"You tend to hear about the 'Thou shalt nots,' " Underwood said. "We want to talk about the 'Thou shalts.'"

In a story in today's Palm Beach Post, Pastor Ray Underwood explains why he's chosen to feature sex advice in his Sunday sermons for the past several weeks (and through March 1st.) Among the choice excerpts:

"I think we should be more aggressive and upfront about talking about critical issues in people's lives. In the past, I think we were embarrassed and unsure about ourselves."
Underwood gave his first sermon, "Hot Monogamy," a PG-11 rating and suggested that parents take kids under that age to the child care center. A video projected on the church's big screen said, "so ... sex in church? Are we really going to talk about this? We need to." Though it could be kind of weird, the video warned — "like seeing a nude scene with your parents."
"We try to stay real, but this is a little more on the edge," he said. "Hopefully we won't fall off a cliff."

We personally hope you succeed, Pastor Ray, for if there's one thing religion needs, it's more sex. No, seriously-- perhaps if people were happier about their love lives, they'd leave the gays, Democrats, and other religions in peace.

And if anyone's going to make that happen, it's this guy:

Underwood often preaches in jeans, and the church's services feature video, drums and electric guitar. Though the church's style is edgy, he said, its message is more conservative.

Via the Palm Beach Post.

This Week in Gayness: The New Transgender Minister

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

This Week in Gayness: Being Gay Is A Choice, Say Repuglicans

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 15:17:00 GMT

We're really sick of Tim Kaine. First, he botches the Democratic response to the State of the Union in a year when he could have turned the tide away from that dreadful President of ours; then, he decides he wants to be the next DNC chair. Now, this ass-backwards dweeb is going to help lead the party away from progressive values like, for example, marriage equality. Kaine, according to Queers United, "has endorsed an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Click here to ask why LGBT democrats should support a party whose chair is anti civil unions and more anti-gay than John McCain."

The guy who stole the 2004 Presidential election in Ohio thinks being gay is a choice. We don't even know where to start with his fucking scoundrel.

Speaking of elections, a gay bishop is to open Obama's inaugural weekend festivities.

Two hotel staffers in Tennessee were fired shortly after a former employee informed the boss of their homosexuality.

Don't miss the National Lesbian Health Summit in March.

Not satisfied with a statewide ban on same-sex marriage, one assmunch is attempting to outlaw domestic partnership benefits for gays in Tampa, Florida.

Brad Pitt reiterated his support for gay marriage and reminded us he and Angelina won't get married until everyone can.

And Proposition 8 supporters are freaked out about boycotts-- they're suing to try to keep the donation info private. In fact, we wish we could publish a complete list here of all the people who donated-- it's freedom of information, they shouldn't be ashamed...

Related:

We've Changed Our Minds, We're Against Gay Marriage

This Week in Gayness: The New Transgender Minister

This Week in Gayness: Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke Get Personal

This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

This Week In Gayness: The Coming Out TV Series

While You Were Sleeping: Hugh Jackman and Cleopatra

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

If you're going to the inaugural, here's the schedule of public events.

Perhaps young men will soon benefit from the genital wart vaccine.

Hopefully, you avoided the Kathy Griffin train wreck on New Year's Eve... although, if you did, you missed this unforgettable insult:

The year in LOLCats.

The appointment of Roland Burris could create such a legal spectacle and clusterfuck that Democrats will have no choice but to stand down on the issue.

Heart attacks are down in Colorado, thanks to a recent smoking ban. On the downside, New Year's Eve in Aspen was ruined when a series of homemade bombs had to be detonated.

Heard about the four guys who gang raped a lesbian? Thankfully, they've been caught. (Here's hoping they get an eye-for-an-eye in prison.)

The Girl With the One Track Mind, the world's most famous sex blogger, celebrated the five-year anniversary of her site.

Hugh Jackman appears to be dropping out of the bizarre Catherine Zeta-Jones-led Cleopatra movie.

And Taylor Swift, whose album has been #1 for three weeks, passed the 2 million mark after seven weeks of sales.

Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Likes Short Shorts

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Academy Awards season started up with the shortlisting of 15 feature documentaries, which includes "Man on a Wire" and films by Werner Herzog and Errol Morris. We're rooting for Encounters At the End of the World.

The lead singer of the Vines is battling the effects of his autism and the band has canceled all their upcoming shows.

There will be a female Secretary of State after all: According to the Guardian, Hillary Clinton was offered and has accepted the Secretary of State cabinet post, which opens up a whole new can of worms, not to mention a Senate seat in our current state of residence.

Hillary Clinton plans to accept the job of secretary of state offered by Barack Obama, who is reaching out to former rivals to build a broad coalition administration, the Guardian has learned.
Obama's advisers have begun looking into Bill Clinton's foundation, which distributes millions of dollars to Africa to help with development, to ensure that there is no conflict of interest. But Democrats do not believe that the vetting is likely to be a problem.
Clinton would be well placed to become the country's dominant voice in foreign affairs, replacing Condoleezza Rice. Since being elected senator for New York, she has specialised in foreign affairs and defence. Although she supported the war in Iraq, she and Obama basically agree on a withdrawal of American troops.

The New York Times Arts and Leisure Weekend may be awesome enough for you to make a trip here: Keith Olbermann, Lewis Black, Patti Smith, Salman Rushdie, the cast of The Closer, and a rumored appearance by Tom Cruise caught our attention..

Here's why we're the biggest nerds: the first thing we notice about these photos, taken of Sarah Palin (allegedly) boozing it up at a Miami hotel, isn't those short shorts, but the copy of USA Today in her hand. Sarah! USA Today is not hard to remember-- how come you couldn't name that as a newspaper you actually read?

More photos here.

Related:

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

20-Year-Old Teacher Strips For Her Students... On Video

Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets, Yay!

While You Were Sleeping: Nude Photo Hoax

Sloppy Seconds: Blake-Fielder Civil Escapes (More) Prison (Time)

Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets, Yay!

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 22:18:00 GMT

Same-sex heart transplants are the just better. (We'll resist gay marriage jokes here.)

Justin Long: from Drew Barrymore... to Tila Tequila? We're glad neither are divulging the make-out details.

Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer's aide was arrested for... have you guessed yet?

A “high-level” aide to communist Sen. Barbara Boxer of California has been arrested after — whoops! — he was caught chatting and swapping cock pictures with 13-year-old boys on a liberal social network called “Google Hello.” Gross! And the funny thing about one of those 13-year-old boys was that he was actually an FBI detective, trying to capture him. OOPS. Let’s learn more about Mr. Jeff Rosato, who has walked straight into a cold Blowvember gust. [Wonkette]

Jamie Lyn-Sigler: glad she doesn't have any kids, not as hot as she used to be, still dull.

Russell Brand says not being gay gets him laid. And hopefully he's shooting blanks. (You'll see what we mean.)

There has got to be an explanation for these fetus cookies, but we don't even want to hear it.

How much does a $2,000/hour escort, such as Natalie, seen above, take home? Gawker has the answer.

CNN has photos of two of the three new planets just discovered outside our solar system. They resist Uranus jokes, unfortunately, and don't comment on the fact that the planets are named "b" and "c." Wow.

12-Year-Old Boy Gets Arrested For Attacking Pregnant Teacher, Threatening To Kill Her

Photo Evidence: Tila Tequila Was A Vegas Call Girl

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

Democratic State Senator Busted For Stuffing Her Bra

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:11:00 GMT

Not this kind of bra stuffing...

She was an advocate for gay marriage and greater civil rights for black people, but Massachusetts State Senator Dianne Wilkerson automatically sucks now for making us all look bad for even being part of the same cause.

For Wilkerson is accused of stuffing her bra-- literally-- full of thousands of dollars in cash... and that's not even counting what they found in her purse...

According to several local news outlets, Wilkerson took several grand in bribes from a shady dude looking to expedite (or least get) a liquor license. Wilkerson saw in this man a cause as noble as her own civil rights issues (okay, we're kidding here) and called in some favors... or at least put her muscle into a few key people at the state level.

When she was busted, the Democratic State Senator was found with a whopping six grand in her purse-- or, as Paris Hilton calls it, "my penny purse." Her lawyer dismissed this by saying the cash "was for expenses."

Apparently, it was for a down payment on the Sarah Palin wardrobe plan. By the way, in addition to being caught on hidden cameras stuffing a an undercover agent's bribe in her bra, Wilkerson

faces charges of attempted extortion and theft of honest services as a state senator, stemming from a money-for-legislation sting operation, officials said.

A federal criminal complaint alleges that Wilkerson was busted for accepting eight bribes, totaling $23,500, in exchange for her influence on Beacon Hill.

Wilkerson also allegedly used one $1,000 bribe to treat herself to a night of gambling and dining at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut.

We're tempted to make a joke about a thousand bucks not even getting you a buy-in on a game of craps at Foxwoods, but everyone will see that coming...

Via the Boston Herald.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

McCain May Have Committed Vehicular Manslaughter in 1964

While You Were Sleeping: The Facebook Firing

While You Were Sleeping: Watch Karl Rove Fight Off A Bunch of Hippies

If You Can't Stand the Heat... You Might Die

Woman Busted For Videotaping Her Underage Sex Crime

While You Were Sleeping: The Trial of Keanu Reeves

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Somebody has been taunted the German police by placing a Muppet over his face when passing speed cameras. (Obviously, this genius neglected to realize the authorities would capture images of his license plate.) The hilarious photo evidence is here.

MTV has posted most of its greatest videos online.

It's possible to find love online, even in your 80s. (Of course, the guy who got lucky on the internet married a woman much younger than him-- unfortunately for you 60+ ladies, even this guy admits he wasn't interested in women his own age.)

Bono's teenage ladyfriend insists they are strictly platonic, although we have to wonder what kind of strange friendship this rock star and his middle-aged buddy would have with two young female models other than the obvious one.

The Rothernberg Political Report now estimates the Democrats will capture 7-9 seats a week from today, putting the magic number ("60") within reach.

There's apparently something called "Farting Dog" and it involves the Jonas Brothers.

A photographer is suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly attempting to run him over with a car. (This is the same asswipe who watched the criminal charges against Keanu get tossed out of court and now is trying the greed route.) Seriously, dude? You get in the way of Keanu's car and you want to cry about being run over? Please go away.

Related:

Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

Isn't It Ironic? Jonas Brothes Lurve Britney Spears

Sloppy Seconds: Are Lindsay and Sam Finally, Really Engaged?

Paris Hilton Punks the Paparazzi

Moonlighting in Porn Development

Barack Obama vs. John McCain: The Dean Martin Roast Version

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Last night, John McCain and Barack Obama went to war on each other, Dean and Frank-style: via roast...

Believe it or not, the results were damned funny... even if it's painful to see McCain bury his face in his joke book, even during punchlines...

Our favorite part is when, in Part 1, the Mr. Burns-Bob Schieffer hybrid behind McCain puts a prune between his false teeth. Apparently, the food was too good to let go cold in honor of McCain.

1) McCain - Part 1

2) McCain - Part 2

3) Obama

Image via Amy's Robot.

Related:

Exposed: Joe the Plumber (Don't Worry, No Butt Crack Shots)

New Father About to Become Newly Single

Debate #4: McCain Blinks, Misses His Chance

The Third And Final Debate... Here's Your Drinking Game!

Hayden Panettiere: "Don't F*ck With My Presidential Candidate"

Exposed: Joe the Plumber (Don't Worry, No Butt Crack Shots)

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 19:59:00 GMT

This is our last post about Joe the Plumber (for the foreseeable future), we promise.

However, some interesting information about who this guy really is has come to light. Full revelations below... but for starters, everyone out there who suspected he was a fraud and that Joe the Plumber is actually Joe the Not A Plumber? Collect your prize...

1) The Toledo Blade:

Wurzelbacher said he works under Al Newell’s license, but according to Ohio building regulations, he must maintain his own license to do plumbing work.

He is also not registered to operate as a plumber in Ohio, which means he’s not a plumber.

2) By the way, the Plumbers Unions have already endorsed Obama. The United Association of Journeymen and Apprentices of the Plumbing
and Pipe Fitting Industry responded to Joe right after the debate, with this press release:

As the first union to endorse Barack Obama for the presidency, the UA looked long and hard at which candidates would put the needs of all the Joes in America first. Barack Obama has a plan to cut taxes for working people while investing in good jobs and lifting wages.

3) The Blade adds:

Wulzerbacher’s notoriety has raised the ire of Tom Joseph, business manager for Local 50 of the United Association of Plumbers, Steamfitters, and Service Mechanics, who claimed that Mr. Wulzerbacher didn’t undergo any apprenticeship training.

"When you have guys going out there with no training whatsoever, it’s a little disreputable to start with," Mr. Joseph said. "We’re the real Joe the Plumber."

In December, 2007, the Ohio Department of Taxation placed a lien against [Joe] because $1,183 in personal property taxes had not been paid...

Wurzelbacher said he objects to Mr. Obama’s plans to raise income taxes on incomes above $250,000. He said he makes nowhere near that much money but he would not say how much he makes... Mr. Wurzelbacher made $40,000 in 2006.

4) It gets better. If the blogs are to be believed, Joe isn't even registered to vote in Ohio (or, probably, anywhere.) He last voted in 2006, so it seems likely that he is, although the fact that his registered party, the Natural Law Party, disbanded, which could cause him some problems on the rolls. And one more thing, the Natural Law Party platform supports an insanely low 10% flat tax, which would bankrupt the government almost immediately. Read their platform here.

5) Other rumors have been floating around all day that he is related to Charles Keating of the Keating Five, and therefore a relative of one of McCain's former associates. If that is true, it would lend credence to the theory also going around that Joe the Plumber is actually Joe the McCain Mole.

We'll have more on this story if anything interesting happens... otherwise, moving along...

Via Hotline On Call.

Related:

Debate #4: McCain Blinks, Misses His Chance

McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Today in WTF: Endorsed By...

Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

No Surprise Here: Democrat Who Defeated Mark Foley Is A Perv

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 19:10:00 GMT

Tim Mahoney, who only won his Congressional seat because Mark Foley's name was still on the ballot, is already in danger of losing it because of his own boneheaded sex scandal...

As we reported earlier, Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney, who defeated "Mark Foley" (another Republican would have taken Foley's seat had folen been re-elected) in 2006, is rumored to have cheated on his wife on multiple occasions... with a staff member. Oh, but it gets way better...

1) Mahoney, a married man, was campaigning on an ethics platform in 2006 when he met Patricia Allen and began having an affair with her.

2) When Allen recently discovered that Mahoney was having sex with other women (other than his wife, that is), she threatened to sue his dumb ass.

3) Mahoney agreed to pay the woman $121,000 to go away. Plus, he threw in a guarantee of two years of a $50,000 annual salary at an ad agency that was involved in his campaign.

4) When all this hit the press, Mahoney staffers denied it and said Allen resigned "of her own accord." Of course, they didn't comment on the allegations, all of which are (as yet) unproven.

Thanks a lot, Tim... Foley handed us the only chance we may ever have of turning that seat blue and you fumbled...

Photo via.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Mark Foley's Replacement's Sex Scandal

Junior High Teacher Charged With... Oh My...

Anyone Else Glad To See Criss Angel And/Or David Blaine Go Down Like A Punch To The Gut?

Girl, Molested By Teacher And Guidance Counselor, Is Kicked Out Of School

Police Officer Busted For Trading Speeding Ticket For Sex

While You Were Sleeping: Is The CW Finished?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 13:23:00 GMT

A DNC member and prominent backer of Hillary Clinton will endorse John McCain today.

Here's why some men think "yes" when they hear "no." Not that we're siding with the men on this one...

Eva Mendes claims to have had sex in just about all of the 50 States. How did this mindblowing feat come to pass without our knowledge (and involvement)?

The Hitch star admits she took a raunchy road trip across the country when she was younger and managed to have a sexual encounter in nearly every one of the different states.
She says, "I've had sex in all 50 states. A lot of it was on a road trip I took when I was younger."
And Mendes admits that her best experiences took place in Arizona and Colorado, adding: "Maybe it was the clean air."

Vote for Miss St. Pauli Girl-- it's the only vote you'll have this year that might actually count.

Paris Hilton is denying the naysayers their day: contrary to popular opinion, the socialite has been seen hanging out with the winner of her upcoming reality show, My New BFF. Of course, she could be totally making it all up.

A woman tried to poison her roommate, a la Wedding Crashers, with eye drops in his drink, nearly murdering him. Her punishment? She had to pay his hospital bills.

Even with Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill, the CW is probably doomed.

22-Year-Old Woman Auctions Off Virginity On Howard Stern

The Josh Hartnett Sex Tape: At Least It Won't Be In Night Vision

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

"Paris Hilton's Vagina Bites Penguin" And Other Classic Celebrity Spam Headlines

Sloppy Seconds: Eva Longoria's Lingerie Past

Cultural Clusterf*ck: Gossip Girl Meets 30 Rock

This Week In Gayness: Guys Making Out On CNN

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 14:04:00 GMT

Howard Dean and the DNC in the case of a gay man who is suing for wrongful termination will have to go to trial after mediation failed. Donald Hitchcock was fired after his boyfriend wrote a letter criticizing the DNC's policies on LGBT issues.

The wave of the future: about two-thirds of Americans under 35 are in favor of gay marriage.

As Scanner Emily told you yesterday, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson attacked Sarah Palin for being a media obsessed homophobe in dual blog postings...

I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin.

I couldn't be more supportive of a woman in office, but let's face it, it comes down to the person, and their beliefs, male or female.

Is it a sin to be gay? Should it be a sin to be straight? Or to use birth control? Or to have sex before marriage? Or even to have a child out of wedlock?

I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor. Which is probably all she is qualified to be... Also interesting that she got her passport in 2006... [Read the full post here]

As if the Catholic Church doesn't have enough problems attracting new members, now they're sacking longtime followers who turn out to be gay.

Wearing matching white tuxedo jackets and marching down the aisle together to a song from A Chorus Line, Star Trek's Mr. Sulu, George Takei, married his boyfriend of 21 years in a lavish Buddhist ceremony in California. Can you believe this guy's 71? He sure doesn't look it...

And two guys made out on CNN... sort of...

Via Breitbart.

Related:

The War On Sex Rages On...

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson Would Like You to Know What They Think of Sarah Palin

This Week In Gayness: The Saxon Warrior Lovers

Ow, My Eyes! "Ann Coulter Lite" Is Anti-Everything We Hold Awesome

Dame Helen Mirren As A Teen: Loved Coke, Date Rape Not So Much

Scanner Highs And Lows: Michael Phelps Rules The Blog

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:55:00 GMT

We held onto the Olympics for dear life, we'll admit, but after this last look back at the week's highlights, it may be time to say adios...

...until next week, when more nude Olympians are sure to grace us with their leaked online photos... or maybe Republicans are caught with strippers...

HIGHS:

...since Democrats don't seem to enjoy them.

We have to hand it to John McCain for making it an historic election now, no matter who wins.

Enough about McCain, here's to a true hero: Michael Phelps, who is now spending his days giving kids swimming lessons, apparently.

Matthew McConaughey's mom is kind of a sexual hero, in a way. Really.

We're proud to have had a transgender Crush of the Week, although we're pretty sure she won't go out with us no matter how much we kiss her ass.

Eva Longoria Circa A Few Years Ago is kind of our runner-up Crush of the Week.

LOWS:

This post would've been called Last of the Nude Olympians... if they were actually Olympians.

Hopefully, Olympians won't have to stoop to making straight-to-DVD sex movies. Blurry sex tapes will do just fine, thanks.

If you were wondering why we enjoy photos of women athletes who have bodies like rocks (of Gibraltar), a reminder of a possible alternative.

So we've established Ms. Marsh is not among the sexy people... are you?

Seriously, we do wish Mulder luck in rehab, despite what you may think.

This guy is world's worst liar.

Something we can all argue about civilly: this show may or may not be terrible.

Speaking of lying, somebody lied to us when they said Toy Story was animated, damn it.

DNC Kicks Off Tonight With Ghosts Of Party Past

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Headlining tonight? Michelle Obama...

Really lined up to steal the show? The Re-Animated Figure And Imitated Voice Of Ted Kennedy...

According to CNBC, this is tonight's lineup:

5:00PM EDT

Rules, Credentials and Platform to be finished by 7PM EDT

7:00PM EDT
Biographical Messages on Senator Barack Obama

8:00PM EDT
Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Journey for Change)
President Jimmy Carter
Senator Claire McCaskill
Mayor John Hickenlooper, Denver
Maya Soetoro-Ng Mya (Obama’s sister)

9:00 PM EDT
Senator Ted Kennedy Tribute - Video
Caroline Kennedy

10:00PM EDT
Republican for Obama
Craig Robinson introduces his sister Michelle Obama
Obama remote live into Convention

What do you think? Will all this help Obama at all? Emphasizing Nancy Pelosi and the Ultra-Liberal Stalwart Kennedy's?

More here.

While You Were Sleeping: Better To Be Fat And Fit?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:03:00 GMT

What the hell? Toby Keith is a Democrat?! Impossible... maybe a Reagan Democrat, but other than that...

Mark David Chapman said he's sorry about shooting John Lennon multiple times for no reason.

Think fast: name the two most hated "internet micro-celebrities..."

...if you said Julia Allison and Emily Gould, you'd be correct. (Tila Tequila was in 3rd, although we'd say she's safely a "television micro-celebrity" at this point.)

Spencer Pratt's claims that Heidi Montag is still a virgin (wait, a virgin who needed breast implants and already has a boyfriend?) would be laughable enough if someone hadn't discovered irrefutable evidence to the contrary immediately afterward.

First, it was definitely going to be Biden. Then, as we reported yesterday, it was definitely going to be Tim Kaine. But... what if it's Hillary?

Did anyone honestly believe that Bigfoot nonsense?

Roger Moore was a big wuss, even in character as James Bond.

New York Times headline: "Better To Be Fat and Fit Than Skinny and Unfit"

...half of overweight people and one-third of obese people are “metabolically healthy.” That means that despite their excess pounds, many overweight and obese adults have healthy levels of “good” cholesterol, blood pressure, blood glucose and other risks for heart disease.
At the same time, about one out of four slim people — those who fall into the “healthy” weight range — actually have at least two cardiovascular risk factors typically associated with obesity, the study showed.

Sloppy Seconds: Ron Wood's Mistress In The Buff

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:39:00 GMT

Mrs. Corey Feldman's Playboy shoot and more, after the jump...

If you have a belly button finish, you'll probably be pissed to learn you missed Japan's navel-gazing fest.

Your worst nightmare: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are leaving Hollywood... and may be moving to Your Neighborhood.

Don't worry if you missed the orgy, it didn't turn out to be that great a time.

That nutjob who shot two people during a church performance of "Annie?" His motive wasn't he didn't like liberals. We hope Rush Limbaugh gets sued for wrongful death or ends up going crazy like Jeff Bridges in The Fisher King. Bastards.

Ron Wood, guitar player and real genius behind the current Rolling Stones lineup, almost left his wife of twenty-three-years but luckily got his act together and checked into rehab. The reason he lost his way:

A Democratic legislator from New Jersey has resigned after child porn was found on his computer. His office computer.

An Obama supporter "accidentally" made buttons with the Senator and another famous member of the Chamber: Larry Craig.

Brad Pitt declared war on the stalkers who take photographs of him.

And Susie Feldman, Corey's wife, has done a large Playboy spread that already has the internet hyperventilating. At least in porn land...

The rest of the shoot can be found here.

Sloppy Seconds: What's Wrong With This Picture Of Brad Pitt?

Vote In Playboy's Sexiest Female Blogger Poll

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At A Blue Jays Game

Gisele Bundchen's Latest Nude Shoot May Be Her Finest Work Yet

Magazine Fights Censorship With Nude Six-Year-Old Cover Girl

While You Were Sleeping: Madonna's Breakdown?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 12:49:00 GMT

This creepy Boy Scout leader was charged with six sex offenses. Guess what they involved?

FoxNews and other sources are confirming the John Edwards Love Child story, with the former ready to present an interview with a hotel security guard who will allegedly back up the Enquirer's shock saga.

A model is facing four years in prison after riding bareback (and bare-ass) on a horse... with the Peru national flag as a saddle.

Lindsay Lohan had a rough weekend: first, she had a panic attack when a mob of fans surrounded her at Sam's DJing gig. Then, early Saturday morning, she was clipped by a motorcycle while crossing an intersection...

Madonna's looking terrible these days. Worse than Amy Winehouse Terrible.

Wisconsin Democrats voted unanimously to strip a delegate of her credentials after the woman switched her support from Clinton to McCain.

A couple had their 18th child this week. "Evvvery sperm is saaacredd..."

A Corleone girl married her loving sweetheart before a large Italian celebration while her father, a Mafia don, sits in prison.

Shia LaBeouf was involved in a car accident, allegedly while intoxicated, and was arrested.

Related:

Does Madonna Have A Sex Tape And Do We Want To See It?

The Media Thinks It's Finally Figured Out Why Hillary Lost (Hint: It's Not The Media)

The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

Tom Hanks of Tomorrow Looking Like Drunk Asshole of Today

It's Time For Some Campaignin'

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 16:37:00 GMT

JibJab's latest video, skewering the '08 election...

New national polls show a crazy scenario: a third-party candidate is threatening to throw the election one way or another and even "safe" states from previous election cycles are in play. Sound familiar? It may happen again, people...

The latest Zogby poll indicates McCain holds a mere three-point lead in Texas, thanks to

Barr’s 6 percent and Nader’s 1 percent

The trick is... Nader didn't make the ballot in Texas. Whoops. Give that point to Obama (or not, it doesn't matter), and Texas is suddenly "Leans GOP" or even "Toss-Up." True, Obama only leads by 4 percent nationally (where even Al Gore commands a 7-point lead as the consensus candidate at the convention and Hillary Clinton is up by 8%), but percentages and national numbers are irrelevant, especially when he appears to take red states away from McCain, including Arizona, the Republican Senator's home state. (Side note: We seriously doubt Obama will win either, especially AZ. He would have to be winning those already, since he's enjoying a huge bounce right now, a bounce that will surely soften soon and tighten the race. A more realistic choice would be in another state entirely.)

Barr’s greatest impact this year might be in Georgia, where he is well-known and could draw a fair number of votes, especially as Obama works to ramp up support among the state’s sizable population of black voters, Buchanan said.
"Ordinarily, a Democrat can’t expect to do much good" in Georgia, Buchanan said. "But with Barr drawing off white Republicans, it could make a difference."

More on this story, via The Star-Telegram.

Democratic Leaders Accused of Satantic Sex & Kidnapping, Woo Hoo

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:06:00 GMT

Our right-wing readers are going to be thrilled with this story, while the rest of us are going to wince with embarrassment... at best...

1) A Durham, NC couple was charged with kidnapping, assault, rape, and other un-PC crimes after shocking revelations began to appear in a local courtroom.

2) According to an anonymous couple that met Joy Johnson and Joseph Craig (via the internet, it seems), the foursome shared an interest in Our Everloving Master, Mr. Satan.

3) The anonymous couple dropped by for tea and were rewarded for their devotion by being

shackled... to beds, kept... in dog cages and starved.... [Craig, the hubby] was charged with beating the man with a cane and a cord and with raping the woman.

4) The assistant DA provides our Understatement of the 21st and 22nd Century, for sure:

"This goes well above what they were interested in doing."

5) According to the local news

Johnson, who was third vice-chair of the Durham County Democratic Party and vice-chair for the Young Democrats, was charged with two counts of aiding and abetting. Prosecutors said she knew her husband planned the crime and watched as they were committed.
She has resigned her positions with the Democratic Party, said state Sen. Floyd McKissick, D-Durham.
"She seemed to be a very open, reasonable, responsible person, but certainly, the allegations that have been made are shocking to everybody who has known her," McKissick said. "We wish her the best going through this difficult and trying time."

I'm sure it was very "trying" for her, poor baby.

6) Our favorite part, which most news sources overlooked, is their website:

Craig and Johnson operate a business called Indigo Dawn Inc. that is described on a Web site as a spiritual growth service offering "past life reconstruction" and "communication with spirit guides." The site talks about Johnson's activism and describes Craig as a reverend and a "devout student of magick."

Can the Lifetime movie be far behind.

Via WRAL.

Bill Clinton To Obama: Kiss My Ass

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Will Democratic disunity fade away or continue through Election Day, November 4th?

Bill Clinton, the sexiest, angriest President alive, allegedly told one of his advisors that...

Obama could "kiss my ass" in return for his support.

Whether he said those exact words or not is beside the point. Democrats have got to be worried about Clinton's silence following his wife's opponent's win-- without Clinton's full-fledged support, particularly during the convention, Obama will have an even harder road ahead than he already has. And with Bill Clinton's well-disclosed temper, he's not likely to easily accept defeat, put on a gracious smile, and give 100% to the campaign.

The Telegraph has learned that the former president's rage is still so great that even loyal allies are shocked by his patronising attitude to Mr Obama, and believe that he risks damaging his own reputation by his intransigence.

To be continued on that... but meanwhile, many voters are still upset with Hillary's loss and have taken to blogs and other sites to attack Obama. We always welcome deserved barbs that sting any politician, but we haven't seen anything out there that sticks-- for example, most remarks we saw were attacking the DNC for the Florida debacle, which made no difference in Obama's eventual victory anyway, not attacks on specific issues or comments Obama has made.

What is it about Obama that Clinton supporters who have gone to McCain (or are now uncommitted) don't like?

Via Telegraph.

Libertarian Dude, Star of "Predator" and Porn, Is Running For Senate

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 20:01:00 GMT

Sonny Landham, most famous for getting the crap torn out of him by the title character in "Predator," and ex-porn star, is running on the Libertarian line in Kentucky against Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Now 67 and living in northeastern Kentucky, the man who played Billy Bear in "48 Hours" and was killed by an alien in "Predator" admits his action-movie days are behind him. "I think I'm having wild action when I take two aspirin with my hot chocolate at night," he quipped.

The actor known for his powerful physique, booming voice and his American Indian heritage says he's serious about his longshot bid, because too many politicians are indifferent to voters' problems.

Landham refers to McConnell, a four-term Republican, as "Boss Hogg" after the corrupt politician from "The Dukes of Hazzard" TV show. He bluntly called Democratic candidate and millionaire businessman Bruce Lunsford an "elitist."

Even President Bush is a target: "He took us into a war on lies," Landham said, claiming the actual intent was "to put 'Big Oil' back into Iraq."

We kind of like this crazy old bastard, but then again, the anarchist in us always has a soft spot for the Libertarian folk.

Landham did go on to discuss his porn career with the Louisville Courier-Journal, which makes for

some campaign baggage that seems scripted for Hollywood, instead of socially conservative Kentucky. Asked whether [his adult film roles] could hurt him politically, Landham replied, "What can I do? That was a part of my life you cannot call back."

"If I was going to do it now — knowing that I'm going to have four children, knowing that I was going to run for office — no, I wouldn't make that choice," he said. "But at the time I made the choice of getting a paycheck, staying alive for your big break."

The article glosses over Landham's prison term, apparently because he was later exonerated:

Landham also served more than 2½ years in federal prison after being convicted of making threatening and obscene phone calls to his ex-wife. The conviction was thrown out by a federal appeals court that found he committed no crime.

More on this character and his campaign, via the Courier-Journal.

Scanner Highs And Lows: Hookers, Hot Moms, and Hoedowns

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:20:00 GMT

If that title doesn't bring back memories, then maybe you missed out on some of this week's highlights:

Low: There were celebrity hooker moms.

High: There were jello wrestling students pimping themselves for a mere 250 pounds in prize money.

High: We got down with the hoedown on Dancing With the Star Wars.

High: The hooker who charged a Senator's husband $150 was found guilty of trespassing. We still aren't sure why.

Low: The teen pregnancy craze claimed 17 promiscuous high schoolers, all in the name of unity.

High: A topless member of an upcoming parade is a tart for the cause of toplessness.

High: Rich pimps make us laugh. Or maybe they're just flashy dressing rich people.

Uncertain: Scanner Emily hates herself for loving... the coochie lamp.

Low: The Bunny Ranch faced off with the Bush economy.

Low: Please tell us you didn't snatch up the last Teen Hooker Outfit for your daughter.

Uncertain: Hookers in Ghana rioted at an 11 year old boy's funeral. Apparently, this kid watched "Goodfellas" too many times and wanted to be in with the crooks.

Low: Fox News spreads the (true) rumor that child prostitution will increase during the (surprise?) Democratic convention.

High: And Mary-Louise Parker is so hot and so kickass, we almost faint at this picture of the world's #1 MILF.

James Carville's Jesus Complex & Judas Penis

Katie Halper — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:31:00 GMT

James Carville accused Bill "Hot When Bearded" Richardson of betrayal of biblical proportions, saying "Mr. Richardson's endorsement [of Obama] came right around the anniversary of the day when Judas sold out (Jesus) for 30 pieces of silver, so I think the timing is appropriate, if ironic." The irony, of course, is that Carville commits betrayal of biblical proportions every time he biblically "gets to know" his wife.

Nobody shows us that politics makes strange bedfellows, literally, and figuratively, more than Democratic Spin Doctor Clintonite Jim Carville and Mary Matalin, his Republican Spin Doctor Bushie wife. The Carville-Matlin duo deserve our bipartisan praise for overcoming their ideological differences through pure unadulterated sexual chemistry.

Let’s be honest, people, who among us could resist her beady eyes, and almost invisible lips, and his smooth cranium and teasingly tinted glasses. But if Richardson's getting behind Obama makes him a Judas, what does Carville's getting behind Mary make him? Does Carville feel the holy spirit slip out of his soul when he slips out of his blue pajamas, slips off Mary's red teddy and enters her land of Cain? Does Carville tell himself it's the devil that is making him take off his donkey briefs and pull off her elephant thong? Is the Satanic serpent tricking the Carvillian serpent into tasting Mary's forbidden fruit?

We can only assume that Carville has a Jesus complex and a Mary Magdalene fetish. A J~~esus~~ames C~~hrist~~arville Mary Magdtalin role-play routine is the only thing that could explain the miracle of their marriage and the only way JC could live with himself and sleep with his wife.