Scanner : dating

Take Him to Detroit: America's 11 Most Depressing Places

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:46:00 GMT

This really ain't Michigan's week, is it? First, some dumbass ex-Mayor was arrested for having an extramarital affair in the middle of the street. Then, we made a mean joke about the Detroit Free Press and it's sex advice column, complete with a newspaper headline that says, "Detroit Blows." Now, comes word that Business Insider is further driving down the state's property values by including two MI cities on its list of the most depressing places in America.

Cheer up and enjoy this sprightly little list...

11. Stockton, CA. Stockton actually topped the recent Forbes list of the 10 worst places to live in the country, which is somehow different than "depressing." At that time, we commented: "The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here." It turns out that they Mayor has the town in an uproar for trying to unload his condo/apartment with a short sale.

10. Flint, MI. Business Insider calls Michael Moore's favorite city "an impoverished, depressing dump." In the 20 years since Roger & Me, no one claims the city has improved its quality of life, so we're going to have to assume BI is right to include it here.

9. Wichita, KS. Apparently, the only city with worse dating opportunities for young people is Kansas City, Missouri. And even though one of the scariest serial murderers in history, the BTK Killer, has been brought to justice, a cloud of dread hangs over the city like so many horrific tornadoes of the past... or something.

8. Alpharetta, GA. What the hell is Alpharetta, GA? "Alpharetta, a suburb of Atlanta, is the bank-failure capital of the U.S. Three banks based in Alpharetta--NetBank, Integrity Bancshares and Alpha Bank & Trust--failed in just 13 months. That's more than any other single town in America." Oh, that Alpharetta, GA....

7. West Palm Beach, FL. Business Week claims there really isn't a terrible place to live in Florida, while we insist all of Florida is terrible. If you want to live somewhere warm, move to a tropical island-- most people in FL just end up the source of hilarious news for the rest of the country. Speaking of hilarious, check out this bizarro ad for a company called Condo Vultures Realty. It's apparently real.

6. Kokomo, IN is not the place The Beach Boys told you-- not by any means. It has a staggering 20% unemployment rate (wonder how much that rises when you factor in the "real unemployment rate" in this country, which is somewhere around 15% now) and is likely to go down with the Titanic that is the nation's auto industry. If you ever needed a reason to move to Indiana... well, you won't find it here.

5. Mahoning Valley, OH. Really, this one's all about Youngstown-- formerly a great steel and mining community, Youngstown is now almost as violent as New Orleans or Brooklyn when the subway stops running. Check this out: "Car bombings were so frequent that they became known as 'a Youngstown tuneup.'" Can an HBO series be far off?

4. Yuma, AZ. Sporting highs in the 60's and 70's all winter long, it's no wonder many Arizonians have winter homes there. Somehow this hasn't translated into year-round employment for the sleepy town, which has jobless numbers rivaling (and often topping) a little place called Kokomo. You wouldn't know it from the Wikipedia page, but Business Week claims this is the unemployment capital of the country. Ouch.

3. East St. Louis, IL. Jesus Christ, who the hell actually lives in East St. Louis these days? GET OUT.

2. Inland Empire, CA. David Lynch's favorite place on earth-- need you hear anymore? It's also responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- or, should we say, dumbassery is what's responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- as they bought up a real estate company in the area shortly before the whole area's value dropped by an unfathomable 60%.

And #1... you knew it was coming, my Detroit friends, so let's get on with it:

1. Detroit, MI. Why is Detroit in such dire straits? Sure, the auto industry is all shot to hell these days (and probably permanently)-- but is that enough to make this the most depressing place in America? No, this figure is: "The average home price in Detroit is just $7,500 because no one wants to live there. The continuing catastrophe that is the US auto industry has reduced this onetime industrial behemoth to a nearly perfect picture of decrepitude. Last year when the murder rate dropped in the city, the mayor joked that the reason was that 'there is no one left to kill.'" The only thing wrong with this quote is the word "joked"-- everyone nodded knowingly when he said it. Then he went to jail for perjury... and it wasn't even big news because... no one cares about Detroit. Sorry, kids.

Via Business Insider.

Believe It Or Not, One of the Best Sex Advice Columns is Brought to You By... Detroit

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Sloppy Seconds: Parker Posey's New Man

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 21:28:00 GMT

Did you catch Tracy Morgan shirtless in real life on 30 Rock last night? [Defamer]

Britan's Got Talent singing phenomenon Susan Boyle got a little makeover. [Yahoo!]

One thing we would not like to find on our doorstep? A flaming bag of poo. Another thing we would not like to find on our doorstep? A live shark. [CBS13]

A sequel to Clueless!? Count us in! Well, as long as his you know what isn't crooked. [BuzzSugar]

We hate to admit we're also pretty excited about the prospect of Chace Crawford taking on Kevin Bacon's role in the remake of Footloose. [Us]

If Parker Posey was dating Keanu Reaves, that seems to be over, because now she's being spotted around town with graphic designer and sculptor Scott Lenhardt. We endorse this because 1) Keanu Reeves doesn't seem so smart and 2) artist boys are totally hot. [DailyIntel]

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Scanner Roundtable: Sugar Daddies (and Mamas)... Would You?

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 17:41:00 GMT

I often joke about getting a sugar daddy, but underneath the humor lies some honest interest. Making a career out of freelance writing, I've sort-of condemned myself to a life of poverty, or near poverty anyway. I live paycheck to paycheck, pay my bills late most of the time and am not ashamed to admit I like to buy things—clothes, shoes, nice dinners. And the idea of a sugar daddy sounds sort-of great, doesn't it? Especially in this economy. Getting my bills paid, not having to worry about how anyone is going to finance a car for me with my terrible credit, all the clothes I want... and all in return for just showing an old man a good time? Sure, maybe it's a little like prostitution, but like I've always said, any mutually beneficial agreement between to consensual adults should remain between those two consensual adults.

True, there are plenty of reasons not to do it. I can't imagine having sex with someone I'm not attracted to, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little concerned with what other people would think. But if I happened to meet an attractive, intelligent, hilarious man who was also loaded and wanted the pleasure of my company now and then, I'd have a hard time turning that down. The one thing I can't bring myself to do is find a sugar daddy online, though I must say it would be surprisingly easy to do should I find myself suddenly unemployed or with medical bills I couldn't pay. In addition to craigslist ads like this one, there are multiple sites like seekingarrangement.com that match pretty young things up with sugar daddys—and sugar mamas. Until I get that desperate, I'll keep pretending credit cards are free money and joking about the day my Sean Connery type comes along.

But what about you? Could you—would you—get a sugar daddy (or mama)? And if so, under what circumstances?

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This Week in Online Dating

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Maybe you wonder why I'm single. Or maybe you don't. Either way, I'm going to show you. Plus, since it's Friday, you deserve a good laugh.

I decided to compile the worst (er, best?) of the messages I received from an online dating site this week. And as I Twittered yesterday, "Dear men who are online dating: if you have to tell me you are "smart, funny, clever" chances are you're, not. Sorry to break the news."

First, this form letter from an older ~~gentleman~~ douchebag.

Subject: Yes there is a secret to happiness

So, know that I am a dynamic and diversified well experienced delight. And no, you will NOT be falling in love with me but yes, there will likely be golden moments to treasure.

Expect a guy who likes cats, is well traveled, knows that we were born in differing years and will forgive you for your comparitive youth and inexperience providing that you too are delightful and can carry a conversation, be intriguing, are not afraid of being with someone that society would frown on you associating with due to the age differential, but it is OK if you keep the door ajar in our lives knowing that for the rest of your life you can call upon me to solve situations, open doors, dissuade others from being a pain in the ass, or make problems emulsify and disappear on demand.

Ask me about my exquisite poetry, the German Prince, a Maltese Diplomat, the Island in the South Pacific, Niagara Falls, the United Nations, the Pyramid of the Sun near Mexico City, or teaching college and I will give you a true story.

Perhaps over a beverage. . .

This next one wasn't so bad (my profile says I am "really good at fixing shit" and also like to cook) until the last part. Perhaps I can help him fix his space bar?

I'd love it if you cooked for me while helping me do some dry wall or texture matching;) Love your profile, dig your pics. You seem like one badass , beautiful chic!I'm a nice, smart, down to earth, fun, loving guy! Hope you'll holler back!

Then there was this guy who I did NOT write back. Don't you think it sort-of sounds like a Nigerian email scam?

Thanks for writing me back,Honestly When i first saw your Profile i was intrigued! also with polite profile, You're a beautiful woman and i really admire that very much. First you have to understand that all that glitters aren't Gold but when i see a pure diamond i won't hesitate to jump on it. silly me with cute joke lol .
Am Currently in West Central Africa- Working on a ( Casino Project ) being here over a month , I have 1 week to return to the States. I will like to get to know more about you and see where this leads too - feel free to ask me questions - i will be glad to answer and tell you more about myself , I enjoy good conversation.I want you to Know That the Distance should not be an Obstacle ok..We can always try and work things out.. We Can Only make it if we try...
I Really don't think distance is a negative factor for a lasting relationship - Understanding and Clicking matters a lot -- Do you honestly think we can make magic.. Am in search of an Ideal Woman!! Someone to share my passion and love for. If you think you're worth it.. Let's make magic
You have my Attention! I will write a lot about me on my next email - this is just a tipsy.
Chris G
PS! I Appreciate you writing me back , Lets have Online conversation Through Yahoo I'M. My Screen Name ''chris_xxxxxx"

Wouldn't you think that if one is using ONLINE DATING that one could GOOGLE one of the sexiest men of all time?

Who is Michaeal McDonald?
Pardon my inculture, but I have no idea.
And tell me more about your dog. How are things? I'm considering taking one next year but since I want to travel in 2 or 3 years, I know I shouldn't.
Also, you think you'll get away without writing me, whereas, no no, it's highly inacceptable! :-)
In other terms, yes, absolutely, I'd love to read from you.
Ok, bon weekend et peut-être à bientôt.

Keep in mind, dear readers, that all of these men (according to their profiles) are Americans whose first language is English.

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We F-ing Hate That There is F-ing Nude F-ing Hipster Grifter Sh*t We Can F-ing Get Behind

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 14:29:00 GMT

We know you're sick to death of hearing about Kari Farrell, the hipster grifter, who conned men out of money and Vice into giving her a job (and showed us her boobs). Well, either you're sick to death of hearing about her or you're wishing you would have gotten some from her, even if it meant she ran off with your money. If you're of the former mindset, you, like us, really don't want to see all of this damn hipster grifter paraphernalia. Unless you, like us, really like one of her tattoos and are thinking of getting one of your own and might try it out as a t-shirt for a while.

It's based on this tattoo, which Scanner Brian sent to us last week with the following comment: "You should totally steal that first image as your pre-jump Beard image." To which we replied "Um, I should totally get that tattoo!" We know. But still.

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Via Gawker.

Fox News Wants To Sex You Up

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 19:58:00 GMT

Ah, yes, it's time to check in with the Sex Advice Column You All Love To Hate, mainly because it happens to be on FoxNews.com, features a non-manufactured cute doctor as its host, and was probably written in less time than it takes to read the posts we make fun of it in...

This week's column is entitled 7 Ways To Sex Up Your Partner's Libido. (#1 would be: "Have a threesome and leave the room when it starts.") Here's our breakdown of her bullet points:

1. Entice your partner with orgasm exploration. Believe it or not, you can have different kinds of orgasms, not just "good ones" and "I can tell that wasn't real."

2. Incorporate fantasy throughout the day. Send your partner a link to NaughtyAmerica.com and say, "Can we do that tonight?" Of course, it would help if the recipient of this e-mail were a guy.

3. Stay connected when you do have sex. "Don’t make sex about physical gratification alone. Truly worship your lover and hail the lovemaking as a celebratory experience ― one you can’t get enough of." Her words, not ours, but we have to say... "worship..." "hail [it] as a celebratory experience" should only be attempted by the best of actors.

4. Keep things novel and spicy in and out of the bedroom. In other words, get back in that kitchen and fix me a chicken pot pie. Or something.

5. Look your best. And you thought Fox News was going to tell you, "It's okay to be frumpy once you're married?" Remember, these are the same people who think Sarah Palin is a role model.

6. Engage in verbal foreplay. "I want you to do the dishes" and "Is it all right if I call you Antonio when we do it later?" don't count.

7. Consider how you size up sexual satisfaction. "Does sex always have to end in intercourse?" Female answer: "No." Male answer: "I thought sex was intercourse."

Read Yvonne K. Fulbright's actual talking points here.

This Week in Sex: We Couldn't Stuff It All In

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 20:53:00 GMT

When the Hipster Grifter, Kari Ferrell, popped up on Scanner today we thought she looked familiar. And we thought, "I want to give you a handjob with my mouth" sounded way too familiar. Then we remembered that our friend had posted a Craigslist ad looking for a date to the Langhorne Slim concert a few weeks ago and an Asian girl with chest tattoos had responded to it and used that exact line. We opened up the email (that he had forwarded us, because we always forward each other our online dating prospects) to compare the tats. And we were right.

Full text of the email after the jump.

From: Korean Abdul-Jabbar <xxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: March 31, 2009 5:40:57 AM EDT
To: pers-y6uau-xxxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Subject: I can fight like the devil, or do what I'm told.

Hello,

I haphazardly stumbled upon your ad on Craigslist, and decided to charm you--with my undeniable wit and good looks (see: roofies)--into taking me to the Langhorne Slim show this Friday evenin'. Now, I realize that you have several candidates to choose from and that is why I compiled this nice list as to why I am "The One".

1.) I can solve complex math equations, harpoon a whale, reference obscure movies/books/songs/bible passages/pornos/wrestlers/Christmas specials, and shoot a potato gun all while simultaneously singing the theme songs from nationally syndicated television programs of the late 70's and early 80's. If that doesn't convince you to take me, I don't know what will, but just in case I'll continue...

2.) I commonly say things like, "I want to give you a hand job with my mouth."

3.) I graduated with my degree in Music Theory, Composition, and Production--and minored in Physics. I don't know what I'm trying to tell you, besides that I like useless degrees. Impressed?

4.) I appreciate all genres of music. I know everyone says that, and sure, maybe some of them even mean it--but I DOUBLE MEAN IT (???). Examples: Bonnie 'P' Billy, Mono, Owen, The Books, Curtis Mayfield, The Gap Band, The Zombies, Glenn Miller Band, Russian Circles, Kashiwa Daisuke, The Magnetic Fields, Sunn O))), Botch, Benny Goodman, Murs, Boris, The Hood Internet, Phosphorescent, Muddy Waters, Akron/Family, Refused, Schubert, and on and on and on.

5.) CLAP HANDS.

6.) I moved here about eight months ago, and though I know many wonderful people, have been feeling a bit homesick lately. One of my favourite memories of times too-long-past is dancing in my friend's kitchen to Langhorne's "Checking Out" with everyone I have ever loved.

7.) Even if you have promised the ticket to someone else, I'll still go to the show with another friend, or by myself. Meaning, I am not emailing you just to get an in to the show--though I guess that IS sort of what your post insinuated people do...

8.) I have boobs. [Ed Note: here they are]

Okay, there you have it. The rest is up to you, my friend.

Love,
Kari

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Speed Dating for Nerds in NYC

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:31:00 GMT

We could never get into the idea of regular old speed dating. It always seemed sort-of... desperate. Smiths speed dating, however, we could totally get behind. And if we still lived in New York we would absolutely attend Nerd Nite Speed Dating on April 24.

Back by popular demand! Galapagos Art Space is proud to host its second Nerd Nite speed dating. 25 gals. 25 fellas. 3 minute chats. Anyone is welcome, though we hope you have some nerdy tendencies.

Admission for speed dating also includes admission to the regular Nerd Nite program which will follow the dating festivities.

In this spring edition of Nerd Nite you'll hear Margaret MacDonald from the National Gallery of Art in DC talking about oil paint pigment (yes, it's sciencey AND artsy), Marielle Drosera blossoming on about wildflowers, and since this is the time of year when birds, bees, and just about everything else is doing it, Marianne Demarco will discuss the history of sexual manuals and their authorship. Now they can learn to do it better. Hot!

Get yer tix here, ladies. Gentlemen, it appears you need to buy your tickets elsewhere.

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Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Holds Out, Won't Put Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A 15-year-old student in Florida has been suspended from school for three days because he farted on the bus. [Inquisitr]

Oh, Jesus. Some dude wants to make babies with "angel princess" Paris Hilton. [FadedYouth]

We were sort-of excited (okay, really excited) about "Lesbian Vampire Killers" until we read this: "The lesbian vampire queen, who is in fact the only one of the vampires who seems to genuinely be a lesbian rather than just a generally lusty vampire, can only be killed with the sword. It's a subtle moment, so let's rephrase: The lesbian curse is only lifted when the lesbian is penetrated by the cock sword." [Vulture]

Isaiah Washinton, who was fired from the cast of Grey's Anatomy in 2007 for making a gay slur at co-star T.R. Knight (who had not yet come out of the closet) is facing eviction from his Venice home. [Us]

Contrary to earlier reports, Katy Perry and Josh Groban are not dating. People everywhere continue to not care. [People]

Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman still has not accepted any offers to do porn or any offers to do reality shows featuring Vivid girls. (P.S. Thems not enuf diapers.) [The Frisky]

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

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Younger Men Say "Do Not Want" To Older Women?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:16:00 GMT

The Boston Globe has a story today about a woman who has been failing to successfully organize speed dating events pairing "older" women and "younger" men. The men, it seems, won't even register in numbers great enough to prevent her service from automatically canceling it.

As our resident expert on dating older women, I can safely say that the myth that Demi-Ashton relationships are on the way out can be easily disproved...

First, let's address this chunk of text:

Sure, Demi Moore broke a mold, and I know a few couples - family members and friends of friends - who represent the highly publicized demographic of older women and younger men, but the dating industry will tell you that for the most part that demographic is a myth. Men still seek younger women, especially as those men get older themselves.
"It's the general rules, what happens when people hook up and go into a relationship," said Mark Brooks, an online dating industry consultant who runs Online Personals Watch. "With men dating women, it tends to be up to six years younger but it will only be up to two years older."
And why is that?
"Guys tend to have unrealistic expectations," said Brooks, who bragged that he is one of the mythical Ashton Kutcher-types (he recently dated someone nine years older than him). "Most men are too busy looking at magazines and not busy enough looking in the mirror."

Wait, guys tend to have unrealistic expectations? From looking at magazines?! Please, both sexes have this problem and it greatly affects everything about our relationships. But we're getting off topic...

While it's true that, the older we get, the more likely we are to seek out younger people to reinvigorate ourselves and blah blah blah. However, I started dating older women by default-- in NYC, my first two dozen dates in my "age range" were demanding, had unrealistic expectations, and/or had nothing interesting to say. (In their defense, I was probably wrong about a good many of them, but I digress.) Meanwhile, although the majority of women in New York are interesting, attractive, and intelligent, the ones I tended to come across had longtime boyfriends, guys who snapped them up in college and have been hanging on for dear life.

(Or maybe we're just into them because we want what we can't have. Maybe.)

After putting in a few years trying to pick up and date women in their 20s and having things never work out, I found I more often ended up in relationships with beautiful, passionate, and energetic single women in their 30s and even 40s while I was in my early- and mid-20s. I would gladly date an "older woman" again. Because while some guys may be so superficial as to not even bother with a wonderful woman older than them, there are plenty of others out there who find that, as Lou Reed says about relationships, they're "like a good wine/[they're] better as [they] get older."

Via the Boston Globe.

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While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

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The Worst-Ever Dates

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

A group of "loyal Scanner readers" have created a Post-Secret style blog for anonymous worst-date ever stories.

Some of them sound like good times to us... but, then again, the above photo appears to be an entertaining evening...

We're sure you guys can top these supposed "whoppers," which are more your typical lame date than horrible, tragic, Best-of-Craigslist-worthy tale:

I met a nice and attractive girl at a bar so I asked her out. She told me there was this restaurant she was dying to try so I made reservations for Friday night. The dinner was good, but very expensive. ...she suggested another fancy place. I obliged, but I was determined to go somewhere cheap if it continued beyond the second date. We had great conversation and I was definitely interested in dating her because she was smart, beautiful and well traveled. When I asked her out for date number three I suggested we go bowling. She... proceeded to pout throughout the date. I asked her what was wrong and she explained that dating was the only way she ever got to try these upscale restaurants since she was fired from her job six  months prior. She said she really missed her old lifestyle. I flat out asked her if she had any interest in me beyond my ability to take her to dinner and she shrugged her shoulders. I gave her ten bucks for a taxi and walked out.   
He took me to a local sushi joint and I guess I became quiet because of nerves or something. Frustrated, he picked up a conversation with the two women on my other side. I thought, 'I have got to loosen up here,' but instead proceeded to get drunk on sake. After dinner we went to his house and he asked me if I would like some Champagne and next thing I know I wake up on his couch around 4:00 am. "Hello?" I asked. He comes out of his room and tells me that I passed out so he left me on the couch. Embarrassed, I decide to make it up to him and bring him a bouquet of balloons later that day. I made it to his place, but heard about three or four of the balloons pop thanks to the cottage cheese ceiling in the hallway. He was not home so I wrapped the attached ribbons to the door handle with the card. Before I could tie them in a knot, I lost a few more.
I was obliterated. I stumbled into the bathroom at one point and tripped over an area rug. As my entire body pitched forward toward the sink, I caught a glimpse of my long hair suspended straight up in the air. My mouth, which was about to be a canal for projectile vomit, connected with the rim of the sink. Gonk. When I stood up, bleary-eyed, my two front teeth were broken in half. Like a West Virginia meth addict's. I panicked--but only slightly. Then I puked. I walked out and showed my boyfriend my jagged smile ("loooooook!"), already crying. He had been fixing something on his drum set. He started crying immediately, saying, "You're gonna hate me!" Then he bent over the skeleton of his drum set, bared his front teeth, and smashed his face into the metal. Gonk. Half his two front teeth were gone. Now that's love.
...before I knew it, the girl next to me was deep in conversation with my date, ignoring everyone else around. “Oh where do you live?... Where do you work? Oh wow, my shoulder hurts, doc! Maybe I could see you!” Pretty soon they were the only ones talking and then they exchanged numbers right in front of me! At some point during the crazy evening, he also informed me that he had on leopard print tighty whities with monkeys on them. Great times. I guess the moral of the story is, just because you’re a dreamy doctor, doesn’t mean you can’t also be a douche.

Maybe the moral of these stories is to avoid restaurants and booze. What do you think?

Via MyVeryWorstDate.

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Mom Tries to Help Her Down's Syndrome Son Score

Colleen Kane — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 19:37:00 GMT

Lucy Baxter is a campaign leader for Down's syndrome rights and member of the Down's Syndrome Association with four adopted Down's syndrome sons. Son Otto is 21, wants to have sex (as evidenced by his quote, "I want to have sex") and so Lucy has helped him set up a Bebo profile to find a girlfriend and achieve his goal.

She doesn't mind if he has to pay for it in Amsterdam.

And that's where it gets a little sketchy. In some quotes, it sounds like Lucy has her heart in the right place.

"Why should these people be kept separate and pigeon-holed when they have the same emotions, desires and feelings as so called 'normal' people. He has the same expectations as everybody else."

But elsewhere it sounds like she might be a little too invested in her son's goal.

"If he doesn't get a girlfriend, I will feel really bad, because I have sold him this thing that he is like everybody else," she said. "That's why I'm working overtime to get this sorted for him."

No pressure for grandkids, Otto! (Oh wait, there is-- Lucy wants grandkids.) Otto has kissed a few ladies so far.

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Yahoo Thinks It Knows Why You Never Make It To That Second Date

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 15:51:00 GMT

There's a Yahoo! blog called Foxy Festivities that we haven't paid any attention to until recently. Perhaps it's that title, which is easily dismissed. Or maybe the fact that they're on Yahoo.com, which hasn't been on anyone's radar since 1995.

Foxy Festivities is dedicated to entertaining-- although this post, entitled "First Date Deal-Breakers" is only loosely tied to the topic...

Your expert sexperts attempt to advise us in a way we haven't heard before. Do they succeed in convincing to change our self-sabotaging ways?

1) Don't take a guy to a ballgame if you hate sports; don't take a girl to a Bergman festival if you, you know, ever want to get laid for the rest of your life. Or something like that.

2) Make sure to fill up with gas-- the petroleum-based kind, silly. Oh, and no limos.

3) As if this list isn't stolen from every Woody Allen movie already, don't take your date to a loud rock concert.

4) Don't overdress. (Is anyone still reading at this point?)

5) Don't start out with a double date. That way, you're forced to get to know each other.

6) Choose a restaurant that falls in between The Russian Tea Room and Jack-in-the-Box.

There are several more recommendations here, but do we really need to list them all? First-dating comes down to this... smile, look your best without digging up a tux, pick a halfway decent restaurant, and... for God's sake... choose an activity that allows room for conversation. Oh, and try not to look for reasons not to date the person again ("one of his shoelaces was untied for thirty seconds" does not count.)

Via Yahoo!

Related:

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Second Chance Smiths Speed Dating

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 16:04:00 GMT

Hey New Yorkers, were you totally bummed when you found out you missed the Smiths Speed Dating? Fret not, young lovers. My friends in Brooklyn have just made your dark, mopey day a little darker. No seriously, put down the razor blade and click through.

On Thursday, March 19 Dave Hill and Black Rabbit Bar (Scanner Emily's former second date bar as it was four doors down from my last apartment) present Speed Dating to the Glorious Mopey Sounds of the Smiths.

It's absolutely free and on a first come, first served basis. Dating begins at 8 and they suggest arriving by 7:45 to sign up.

Black Rabbit Bar is at 91 Greenpoint Avenue between Frankin and Manhattan in glorious Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Take the G to Greenpoint Avenue and get off at the Greenpoint exit. Tell the guy sleeping on the sidewalk by the station that I said "what's up?

[Black Rabbit Bar]

Related:

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This Quack Says Intellectuals Are Dumb Daters

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 19:50:00 GMT

Dr. Alex Benzer, who, despite our headline and his photographic resemblance to Adnan Ghalib*, is a respected, Harvard-educated doctor and probably knows more about dating than most of us. After all, he's actually dated a few people... and some kook thought, in this increasingly anti-book culture, to put out a couple of books by him-- for profit! If that's not endorsement enough of his ideas and you'll seek dating advice from some other genius, we're pretty sure Dr. Phil is still on the air, weekdays...

Benzer claims his recent book The Tao of Dating was specifically written for the most brilliant minds of our time, i.e. anyone regularly visits sites like Nerve and the Huffington Post, where his post appeared. In an epic story there, Doc Benzer heads a series of paragraphs with his bite-sized advice tidbits:

1. Smart people spent more time on achievements than on relationships when growing up.

Well, you could also say, "Dumb jocks spent more time on athletic achievements than on relationships when growing up." Anyway, moving on...

2. Smart people feel that they're entitled to love because of their achievements.

See "jocks" above.

3. You don't feel like a fully-realized sexual being, and therefore don't act like one.

4. You're exceptionally talented at getting in the way of your own romantic success.

That seems like a stretch for the sake of reinforcing a weak argument...

5. By virtue (or vice) of being smart, you eliminate most of the planet's inhabitants as a dating prospect

The intellectuals we know are just as terrible at recognizing terrible mates in advance of involving themselves with those prospects as the, um, non-intellectuals we know...

Benzer says you have three choices:

A) Loosen up

B) Do a very thorough search all over the planet and be prepared to move to Duesseldorf OR

C) Join a monastery.

...before recommending choice A for surviving dating in these dumbed-down times. What do you think of his proposals, which you can read in complete here.

*Dudes, we gotta stop this chin-landing-strip thing. Now.

Related:

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The Future of Dating

Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead?

Let's Settle This Ridiculous First-Date Pay Debate Once And For All

Captain Obvious Says Sex Can Save Your Marriage

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:26:00 GMT

We were rather disturbed by how many of you claimed to be in a sexless marriage after Scanner Emily's post yesterday.

Moreover, we were worried you all are going to end up miserable and/or divorced, if this survey conducted by a U.K. wedding site is to be believed...

3,000 Britons were queried about surviving a marriage, and those who have lasted ten or more years responded with these tips:

Having sex three times a week;

Kissing four times a day;

Cuddling thrice on a daily basis;

Sharing two hobbies, and;

Holding two romantic dinners a month.

Having sex three times a week doesn't seem totally unreasonable and neither does kissing four times a day. But how many chances are you really going to have to cuddle? (When you first wake up, on the couch after dinner, and before bed can work, in our view.) But Jesus, isn't it hard to find someone to fall in love with who is interesting enough to have two hobbies you also enjoy, has time for two romantic dinners per month after many years together, will remember to kiss you four times a day, and can arrange for three separate cuddles in a 24-hour span... not tomention sex every other night?

Not saying we're against it or that it's impossible, but now we're beginning to understand why so many marriages end in divorce.

CBC via Confetti.

14-Year-Old Divorcee Officially Back on the Market

Mistress Contest Goes Horribly Wrong

Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

A Date With Jeremy Piven is a Very Bad Thing

Colleen Kane — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Jeremy Piven isn't getting such great press lately. The latest comes from model/actress, Simona Fusco, the GoDaddy.com model from the Danica Patrick Super Bowl commercial. In the cover interview of the latest Steppin' Out, Simona told Chaunce Hayden that Jeremy was her worst celebrity date ever.

Would you believe J. Piv was trying to get this woman into the sack? Oh, you would?

But if her story is true, the man just has no skills.

“He thinks he’s all that. I read an article yesterday that he left a sushi restaurant waiter a photograph of himself as a tip." [It's not the first time we've heard a rumor like this about him -Scanner Colleen]

"He took me out but he didn’t try to win my heart. He just tried to get me very tipsy on sake. He just kept refilling the sake. I like to have my sake, but he was only interested in sex. He just wanted one thing but I wasn’t going to be another girl he slept with. He got very annoyed when he realized he wasn’t getting what he wanted. He was very upset. He just drove me home and didn’t say a word, which wasn’t really different from dinner. He was angry. He wouldn’t even open the door for me. I had to open the door myself."

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Via CelebritySmackBlog

Image: SimonaFusco.com

Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:57:00 GMT

If you've just been paroled after a somewhat lengthy prison stay, one that featured no conjugal visits and no reported sex with any female administrative assistants, you're probably about forty times hornier than the average male, who is, on average, forty times hornier than Jacques Casanova after three hits of ecstasy.

So, it's almost-- almost, we emphasize-- understandable that Jason Leroy Savage did something unspeakable with an inanimate object after his release...

It was October 16, 2008, in Thomas Township, Michigan, and the Fill-N-Wash Car Wash (no pun intended, of course) was open for business. According to reports, a police officer responded to a call about "suspicious activity" at the business at about 6:45am. Upon arrival, he immediately noticed Savage standing in an "awkward" position near a coin-operated car vacuum machine. As he approached, he noticed Savage's pants were at his ankles and that he was receiving a literal "blow job" from the vacuum cleaner. Savage shrieked, "Oh shit!" and tried to explain... although he mainly ended up just apologizing for his embarrassment at having been caught having sex with a machine.

Savage was apparently on parole for a drug charge, among other minor crimes. He pleaded no contest yesterday and will face sentencing in March.

Original reports are here and the followup is here.

Related:

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Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

Enterprising Teenager Amasses Collection of Solicited Nude Photos

Today in the Apocalypse: 17-Year-Old MADD Volunteer Hosts Quiet Gathering...

While You Were Sleeping: The Wrestler And That Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

CNN looks at one convicted murderer's life after DNA vindication.

The Obamas announced what kind of puppy they're going to get. My, they are drawing this out like a Stephen King serial novel, aren't they?

High School Fight Club didn't turn out to be as funny as the movie.

A New Jersey beauty queen was arrested for counterfeiting... beware the frightening pictures of the other two culprits!

Was this a brilliant bank robbery or what? Let's hope there's a movie in the works.

Ryanair hates bloggers... although, in the company's defense, they do have their reasons.

Anna Paquin is dating her True Blood co-star.

That awesome fake vintage video game in The Wrestler? It's real... unfortunately, it's not for sale... yet.

And does this Leonard Cohen "poem" in the New Yorker mean he's working on new songs?

Top 10 Breakup Songs

Is This Another Murder-Coverup of a Black Man?

The Future of Dating

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:09:00 GMT

Yesterday we asked if dating was dead. It's not, said the majority of Scanner commenters. It's alive, and according to this Abstruse Goose cartoon, it has an even higher-tech future than current dating.

More Abstruse Goose here.

Boy Toy Seeks Sugar Mama, Finds Her at Speed Dating Event

Smiths Speed Dating Really Happened

Bearded Men On Craig's List: Or, How We'll Get Scanner Emily To Move Back To NYC

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:42:00 GMT

We're recovering from public nudity burnout after this morning's news and for some idiotic reason, decided that a sane refuge would be the Craig's List Missed Connection section.

Based on what we've come across in the w4m section, a mysterious brand of man has taken over the city of New Amsterdam...

...the beard-o. Jim James, pictured above, the lead singer of Kentucky rock band My Morning Jacket, is rumored to have made the city a second home. The hipsters in Williamsburg have all seemingly realized that, though they live in an urban area, the ladies will overlook the flannel shirts and generally disheveled appearance... as long as the dude's got a beard.

beardo stare - w4m (union pool)

ten thousand dollar stare, what was the even? giving someone "the look" for so long that they begin to fear for their life certainly works, but when you don't follow up with at least a half crack of a smile it still just leaves them fearing for their life.
let's do this rattlesnake dance, you angel.

ps. one hundred bones says your clothes smell like campfire.

When we read the part about one hundred bones, it kind of freaked us out. Maybe it's because we were listening to Warren Zevon's "Excitable Boy," with its deliberately goofy melody and the terrifying lines: "And he dug up her grave/and made a cage with her bones/excitable boy, they all said."

L train making eyes and a laugh - w4m (brooklyn)

...Your beard was new, a month tops-- more like a shadow than a beard. ...I noticed you staring at me i think at Bedford. I stopped actually reading my magazine so i could see if you were still glancing at me at Graham. Surprisingly, you were still on the train at my stop at Myrtle-Wyckoff. we smiled and you watched me leave the train. I turned around twice and you were still looking. you seem fun. i liked your eyes. and i want to know how that book is. are you a Halsey stop guy? Want to go on a hike? I think my camelbak and your hiking boots will get us far enough in the treacherous terrain of Mccarren or Central or Prospect Park.

More choice beard sightings:

I was the brunette with my hair up in a bun, wearing a colorful yellow & pink scarf and long black coat, talking to my friend. you sat next to her and it seems like you kept looking over at us, maybe at me? you had a beard and a hearing aid, were in sneakers and carrying a sports bag. I think I've seen you on the train before.

You were the cute guy with the reddish-brown beard and a stocking hat (that looked like maybe a chicago or cleveland team??) who got on the F... I was the brown eyed brunette sitting a few seats away in a black peacoat and rain boots reading a magazine. We caught eyes when you got on and kept sneaking looks until I had to get off....

Piece of advice: if you aren't 100% sure which team it is your potential dude favors, best to refrain from even mentioning it. Haven't you people seen Diner?

Although all is not lost for you dudes without beards... as this lady suggests, you could always... grow one. (Otherwise, forget it.)

hey bud.. i was sitting to your left while you smoked a hookah at the bar... could not stop thinking about how sexy you'd be with some scruff or a full on beard. you have the hottest "bear" potential. hit me up!

Scanner Emily, better hurry back-- all these enterprising ladies are staking all the bearded territory...

Via Craig's List.

Did You Hear? The Beard is Back (File Under: No Sh*t, MSNBC)

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

25-Year-Old Virgin Takes Us One Step Closer to Crazy Cat Lady Status

Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead (Or, Is Scanner Emily DOIN' IT RONG)?

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:33:00 GMT

Yesterday, when reading through Scanner Brian's post about who should pay on a first date, one comment really struck a cord with me. FLA said:

"But what do I know--I've never properly dated anyone. My typical first date has involved taco bell and oral sex--and I'm in my mid-thirties."

While I am both glad and sad to report that I haven't had a first date that involved Taco Bell since, maybe, high school (ohgodiwannamexianpizzasobad) my experiences have not been too far off from FLA's. Most people like a little social lubrication in the early stages of dating, and if that person is me, it is whiskey, and sometimes more than a little. This almost always ends in sloppy, awkward make outs, and sometimes, oral sex. If I'm lucky, there's also some dry humping involved.

I'm sure—as I have been complaining to my friends since the last guy I went out with blew me off after two "dates"—that it's just me, I'M DOIN' IT RONG'. But I don't even really know how to do it differently. From the beginning, my experience with boys was making out on the band bus or in his car or wherever we could find moments to have physical interaction. Even when I have been taken on nice dates, to nice restaurants, the post dinner drinks ultimately lead to the previously mentioned sloppy hook ups.

So, Scanner readers, I ask you, is dating dead?

I'm not even talking about chivalry—roses, opening doors, paying for dinner, that kind-of shit—I mean, can two people who really like each other go out more than once and have a good time and be nice to each other for an extended period of time without drunkenly hooking up and if so (or if not) do we need to?

Scanner Roundtable: Is Oral Sex Overrated?

Scanner Roundtable: If We Tweet, Will You Follow?

[Image]

Let's Settle This Ridiculous First-Date Pay Debate Once And For All

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Last week, there was a column on CNN.com (via the Frisky) which confronted the incredibly annoying and unsettled question: "Who should pay on a first date?"

Besides the stock answer ("the asker"), there was remarkably little of substance in the story's "debate." Since we could care less about offending people with honesty, we'll now respond with a comment that hung over the proceedings: the discussion is incredibly sexist.

While we agree that the noble thing for the "asker" to do is at least offer to take care of the check and tip and to just deal with it if the other person doesn't take the bait by offering to pay half, that's not really the issue here.

First, we have to address this crazy reaction women gave the Frisky writer for even considering a guy who offered to split the check on a first, second, third, and even fourth date:

In my personal experience, if a woman is in any way visibly or audibly bothered by the suggestion to split the tab at the end of a date, there are two possible outcomes for the relationship...

1) she will be revealed as a person who has unrealistic expectations, what we call the "fairytale model." This person may have an extensive list of specific requirements for a relationship, a list that will limit her to only men who will do anything to prove they are worthy, while all others will move on and avoid the hassle.

2) the woman is looking for an excuse to go back to her friends and tell them "he did this one single thing that pissed me off, never mind the rest of the date was amazing, and so, therefore, I won't return his calls again." This is what we refer to as the "fear of rejection" model. In other words, and I know we may be stretching a bit, some women see a man's desire to pay for dinner as proof of interest, while an offer to split means the guy is either a jerk, a stingy jerk, or a not-interested jerk. In many cases, they may be correct.

These are all, of course, pulled out of my ass and are entirely debatable, but keep in mind they are impressions and we decide whether to call based on these impressions.

Second...

What really annoys us guys about this "first date" debate is unrelated to why women get upset about an offer to split the tab instead of the guy just paying outright. It's actually because of comments like this:

And if you [ladies] don't pay for the whole thing, you should at least offer to split the tab. Incredibly (to me), most women I spoke to thought I was an idiot and firmly believed the dude should always pay on a first date -- though for some this was a recent change of heart.
Kate, a 33-year-old writer told me, "I tend to try to pay for myself, but as I get older and more comfortable with my awesomeness, I kind of wish and hope that the other person will be a little more old-fashioned about it." Good point. If someone's eating opposite Amazing Me, shouldn't she or he pay for the privilege? After all, I'm entertaining and cute and if you let me order dessert there may be some smooching in your future.

While the Frisky writer is probably kidding about those followup comments, "Kate" clearly let some serious sexism slip out in her remarks. We're going to have to do a lot better than this if we're going to have equality between the sexes-- if women want to stop being thought of as sex objects, which men can "rent" by paying for dinner (again, this is the male thinking-- he's paying for dinner, what is he getting out of it?), why would they be so stubborn about a split check?

Even worse, the Frisky story suggests it's practically outrageous to split the check until at least the fourth date. On a personal note, we once dumped a woman for having to pay for her for four dinners in a row: it made her seem like a) she was a conservative and that the real her was still to emerge, b) she was seeing me for the free salmon sandwiches and Chianti. (Matter of fact, that combo should have been a big red flag to begin with....) Or it could've been c) all of the above.

Here's another way of putting it: if you changed the phrase "old-fashioned about it" to "pre-feminist about it," what would you have? You'd have an individual making a complete ass of herself on cnn.com in order to justify their cheapskate point-of-view.

Ladies, we understand why you don't want to split the check-- it's a rough economy out there and dating is extremely expensive, especially when you are still trying to find someone to involve yourself with. But there's only one word for your position on this issue: sexist.

From CNN, via the Frisky.

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Sexytime Shopping List

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:18:00 GMT

Whenever I start seeing someone new one of the first things I notice is how ill equipped my medicine cabinet has gotten during the proceeding dry spell. For example, let's say I bring a dashing bearded man back to my apartment, and excuse myself momentarily to freshen up only to realize that I used the last of the Listerine before the date. Or what about those nasty razor bumps that pop up after all of that dry humping—because of course you will shave your legs and bikini line before the date, which only makes you realize you've been using the same dull razor blade for a month-and-a-half because (shit!) it was the last one in the pack. My list after the jump.

New Toothbrush
This is good for a few reasons. First of all you don't really want him to open your medicine cabinet only to see your frayed, lipstick colored toothbrush, splayed out on the less-than-clean shelf. Second, if he stays the night and has to go to work the next day, you either have a new clean toothbrush you can let him use, or (worst case scenario) you can say "Gee, I only have this one" and hand off the lipstick stained one. Also, doesn't it just make your mouth feel all clean and fresh when you use a brand new toothbrush? Plus, it's probably just time you get a new toothbrush, right?

A New Tube of Toothpaste
I generally use Tom's of Maine baking soda toothpaste, but when I know there's lots of making out in my future, I switch to the strong stuff, chemicals be damned.

Listerine
Because you and I both know you need to rinse out that dirty mouth of yours before and after sex.

Tend Skin
Ladies, if you've never heard of this product, you will thank me later. This magic potion will make your razor bumps disappear, like, pronto. It's a little pricey, but totally worth the cost. And as previously mentioned, razor burn is easily exacerbated with new forms of friction. (The tiniest dab of this on the end of a cotton swab will dry up a pimple in no time, too. But seriously, just a dab right on the spot unless you want your face to flake off all over your date.)

Bikini Razors
These tiny little razors are great for those hard-to-reach places you'd never take your Intuition (but don't forget the Tend Skin after you reach those places).

Personal Cleansing Cloths
Or as I like to call them, ass wipes. Keep a pack in your purse and a pack in the bathroom. You'll thank me later.

New Razors or Razor Blades
Natch.

Mascara
Something about a new tube of black mascara always makes me feel extra vampy.

Condoms
Duh. Is your stash old? Then get new ones. And get a lot of them because if the rest of what's on the list does what it's supposed to, you'll be flying through them.

What's on your list?

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Sloppy Seconds: Evan Rachel Wood Isn't the Only One Tapping That

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:11:00 GMT

Holy hot lesbian, Batwoman. No, really! Batman's replacement is a batchick who loves chicks. Awesome. [Broadsheet/Salon]

Not cool: dudes who rape dogs. [Plog]

Cool: the anti-theft lunch bag. [ThinkOfThe]

Today in stuff I absolutely hate to admit is true: the butterfly effect, in which your ex boyfriend gets his shit together and starts dating a girl hotter than you after you break up. [New York Observer]

Okay, I don't know if girl on boy tapping can happen, but that's not the point. This is: Are Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love the best couple ever or the worst copule ever? [Vulture]

Oh, and I totally emailed Judah Friedlander for a date when I'm back in New York at the end of the month. Stay tuned to see if he bites. [TONY]

When Re-Touchers Get a Little Magic Wand Happy We All Suffer, Especially Scanner Emily

[Image]

30 Rock Cast Member Looking for Dates

Colleen Kane — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 19:50:00 GMT

That's right, 30 Rock has a lonely heart on the cast, and Time Out New York's dating issue (and now Scanner) is providing the general public with a direct email contact to use as they please.

It's not any of the cast typically celebrated when we speak of 30 Rock; your Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan. It's comedian Judah Friedlander, or the guy on 30 Rock who wears the hats that say the things on them.

Here's what he says in the article "Date These New Yorkers": If you want marriage, kids, an outer-borough nonhipster residence, a guy that was just voted 'Worst Dressed' at the Emmy’s and the SAG Awards, does stand-up comedy just about every night, who is also the greatest athlete in the world, is banned from China because he’s too good at karate, collects 'amazing art' and bad movies, plays lots of Ping-Pong, was kicked out of the porn industry because he was too sexually powerful, and is a role model to children—then I’m your man.”

Love letters can be sent to judah_f@yahoo.com.

Related:

Cultural Clusterf*ck: Gossip Girl Meets 30 Rock

30 Rock: Jumping the Gun or Jumping the Shark?

Top 10 Reasons To Watch 30 Rock

Website Tracks the Worst Personal Ads From Desperate Dudes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:32:00 GMT

Why Women Hate Men is another one of these websites/blogs designed by guys who are trying to impress women by how much they, too, "despise all the loser single dudes out there so pick me pick me!"

We must point out that, like all men, the individual purporting to be this site's webmaster is a dangerous degenerate. And if you think I'm being sarcastic or "humorous," you are sadly, sadly mistaken. (See above photo of owner for explanation.)

Here are some of this individuals examples of "why women remain single." We thought it was because moving costs are skyrocketing, but it shows you what we know about dating:

feeling very needy right now-39M

my girlfreind left me for another man leaving me all alone, Do you want to be helper in making my life better, I need someone to take care of me and cook for me help me wash my clothes and help me going to work until my car is fixed. I am 6 feet tall and avergae sized, would like to meet women, and please have car for work, i will try and help you pay you back. i am alergic to cats also so don't have cats

ALLOW ME TO HELP SOLVE YOUR HUSBANDS INFERTILITY PROBLEM

I am a 56 year old male. I have decided to get a vasectomy next month and I would like to impregnate a woman before I have this procedure done. It would behoove you to act quickly for maximum exposure to my sperm. I will only do this naturally without condoms. If your husband can't do the job, I can.

Having been asked previously by several couples who were friends of mine to donate sperm, I learned from their doctors that I have an extreme sperm level. I can give you multiple loads of sperm per meeting to increase your chances of getting pregnant.

Many of my physical traits are influenced by recessive genes. Therefore, it is most likely that the child would resemble the mother in most instances. It will be easy to deceive your family and friends into thinking it is your husbands child. It will be our secret. You will not see me again.

If you are 18-24, healthy, attractive, I am available to you. I will be very attentive, supportive, and encouraging, during this process. My vasectomy is in 5 weeks so it would behoove you to contact me as soon as possible.

Just a shot in the dark here, but I've been trying out VigRX for a little while now, and I do notice that I'm getting harder and longer lasting erections (while in self-satisfying mode). It's supposed to be a penis enlargement pill, but apparently it has viagra like qualities as well. I do feel a lot harder. Before, I couldn't keep it up for very long with my girlfriend, but now I think that it might be helping.

Was wondering if any ladies out there would like to help me give it a test run before I try it on my girlfriend. She won't be back for a week so I just want to make sure. Steven XXX-XXX-XXXX

I Know How To Make You Cum. Even If You Haven't Before.

And I know how to do it too. I got some pointers listening to some woman on a talk radio show. Listeners called in. They asked questions and she gave good advice. I listened and took good notes. Now I know how to make women squirt. I can get you there even if you've never been able to experience your "Big-O" in the past. I'm available to host or travel. David XXX-XXX-XXXX

And two more from other sites:

“Here’s my problem: I just adore mature women at least my age or that tend to be 10-15 years my senior. I am baffled by the “type” of rejection that I have been getting lately. Now for the fourth time a woman has told me that I am “too handsome for her” and for that reason she told me that she’s not interested. Can some of you women tell me how this can be? It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

“Morning. I woke up with a random idea to get some drinks this morning. Any girls interested? I’m not looking for anything in particular, just a new friend to enjoy a couple drinks with (i’ll buy of course). I’m well educated, have an amazing job and enjoy meeting new people. Would love to go to one of the 6am bars soon.”

There are 6am bars?! See you losers later, I'm heading there now to meet an amazing girl who can handle my unrestrained handsomeness...

Via Why Women Hate Men.

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Why Didn't We Think of That?: The Sex and Violence Shop

Doctor Sex is the New Teacher Sex

Smiths Speed Dating Really Happened

I Feel Bad About Your Chin, Meg Ryan

Wife Catch You Online Dating? Try Ashley Madison

7 Breakup Tips

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:42:00 GMT

It's not yet "Breakup Season," which one of our ex-girlfriends claim takes place mid-summer, but this morning, we came across a great and epic story about getting over lost love. Read up now, and keep this handy in case D-Day arrives...

Here are the 7 tips for getting over that relationship that almost was. Surprisingly, "cranking up 'Tangled Up in Blue'" or "throwing a television out the window for catharsis" are not among the steps:

1. Letting Go

2. Release Tension and Bundled Up Energy [Hmm, we can think of a way to accomplish both of those at the same time...]

3. Love Yourself

4. Love Your Ex-Partner

5. Give it Time

6. Journal Your Experience

7. Read Something Inspirational

We have to disagree with at least one of those on a personal level-- not everyone enjoys journaling, particularly us blogger types that write all the damn day and want nothing to do with scribbling once the workday is wrapped. Does anyone have anything to add?

You can read the full explanations of these 7 steps, plus some personal musings by the post's author, at this site.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 16:32:00 GMT

Sorry, ladies (including Scanner Emily), your #2 Hottie in the White House, Jon Favreau, has taken himself a ladyfriend.

It turns out that Obama's head speechwriter, a dude of only 27 years, is going to give us something to gossip about for the next four years: he's dating Maxim babe Ali Campoverdi.

According to Gawker, Campoverdi is an assistant to one of the deputy chiefs of staff, so it's not like Favreau's preying on the help or sexually harassing his own staff or something. No, this is pure White House sex of the kind a Presidential administration has always longed for-- no interns, cheaters, or coke-fueled swimming pool orgy marathons.

Not yet.

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