Scanner : cunnilingus

Ben & Eileen Dover Try Out New Porn Names

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:20:00 GMT

Starting at about a minute in, we counted 12 sex pun names plus the mayonnaise joke to make it a Baker's Dozen of "How the hell did these people get away with this?" fun. Let's us know if we missed a few.

"Hey Louu... Briccant! Hope your party goes smooth?" "Craven Moorehead... it's been a long way for me." How did the news anchor miss those?

See, anybody can prank a dumb morning show with punny names, but to include more innuendo in the dedication and get away with it...? Congrats!

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

The 10 Best Things About Vibrators

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:45:00 GMT

Our substitute blogger, Byron Dafoe, writes in: "Scanner Brian's tongue-in-cheek post about 'fearing' a partner-eliminating vibrator may have given the mistaken impression that we are anti-vibrator. Quite the contrary. In order to celebrate Babeland's new ROBORUB 3000 (or whatever it is) we present our top 10 reasons why we love the vibrator."

10. You can lean back and enjoy the beauty of a woman’s orgasm with the same studied intensity you bring to your crazy friend's gallery opening.

9. Norwegian Dildo Parties?

8. Tag ‘em in and take a break: it’s sandwich time!

7. An ample substitute for bachelor parties too poor to hire a stripper (?!)

6. Remote Control Torture Fun

5. Enjoy double-penetration without the awkward run-ins at the next party.

4. Eggs. Need we say more?

3. As much as you may not want to admit it, everyone’s ass is just loaded with nerve endings. Male or female, you too can enjoy every single one of them.

2. Orgasm. Times 10.

1. See #2 again, and again, and again.

-by Byron Dafoe, whose work has appeared in Playboy and many other publications and is filling in for Verena this week

Give the Gift of Life This Holiday Season: A Vibrator

Sloppy Seconds: Elizabeth Hasselbeck Not Sure What A Vibrator Is For

Quite Possibly the Best Christmas Gift Ever: The Everlasting Vibrator

Vibrating Mascara: Because You're Worth It

Holy Papaya, Batman! That's a Vibrator!

Top 10 "Happy Earth Day" Sex Toys

Hey Everybody, I Just Pummeled My Vagina!

Babeland Launches The Erratic, Dangerous, Man-Eliminating Vibrator

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 20:16:00 GMT

Truth be told, our title was written in retaliation-- in fear, really, since if this thing actually works, it would mean the virtual end of the need for females to have sexual partners...

SaSi (pronounced "sassy"), is smart-ass vibrator, and does the following:

1) remembers what you like and knows how to repeat itself

2) weilds a "smooth round massage head" like the tip of a tongue, "creating a soft kneading" of varying speeds, in an apparent attempt to replicate some hot oral sex. According to the website:

The SaSi is the closest (and we mean very close) you’ll get to cunnilingus from a vibrator, thanks to the undulating nub under the vibrator’s skin.

3) pleases the eye with its "iPod inspired interface."

It's availabe exclusively (in North America, at least) from Babeland. This NSFW video will perhaps tempt the ladies some more... and possibly lead to dismissive remarks from their lovers in the comments section...

Via Babeland.

If Science Projects Could Talk...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 19:21:00 GMT

...what would they say? No, not "if you could build a talking science project, what would it tell you?" This is way better...

According to the Photoshopping hordes at Something Awful, the science projects would say what the kids would get away with if they didn't care about getting a "0" on their work.

We know these are a few months old, but they're goddamned delicious all the same. Lots more, via Something Awful (thanks M.C. for the link.)

Connecticut Teens Busted For Classroom BJ

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 May 2008 16:52:00 GMT

Two teenagers in "Hard Hittin'" New Britain, CT, are facing disciplinary action (and at least one or two embarrassing parental lectures) and their teacher is suspended without pay following shocking revelations that an eighth-grade girl went down on her classmate. In class.

The fun-loving thirteen- or fourteen-year-olds

were in a classroom with other students and a substitute teacher Monday when the incident occurred. Another student recorded the incident with a phone camera. [The Hartford Courant]

Did you catch that? "And a substitute teacher"? Unless we're talking 30-kid classrooms-- and with the state of public schools, we could be-- we're not sure how the sub missed this? You think she's/he's an 80-year-old blind bat/geezer who never received/gave oral sex in their lifetime? Craziness.

Of course, we hate to think of the other possibility: the teacher knew all along and either ogled the couple or, possibly even worse, pretended to continue with the lecture while storing away the images for later pedophilia-inspired masturbation.

The highlight for us, however, is this gem:

Annette Velez has a daughter who attends Pulaski but was not in the classroom where the incident took place. Velez declined to identify her daughter, but said her daughter's knowledge of the incident prompted her to ask for the first time about oral sex.

Great for her daughter, lady. Her fellow classmates, who are no doubt able to identify her based on her mother's name, are now well-aware she doesn't know anything about oral sex. When we were thirteen-- shit, when we were nine-- we got snickered at for not knowing what "cunnilingus" was... although we sure as hell knew what a fucking blow job entailed...

Via The Hartford Courant.

Photo via Medical Images.

Hey Ladies, Have a Salad (or Cake) with a Side of Cunnilingus Today

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 17:01:00 GMT

One month ago today, on Steak And Blow Job Day—the day on which women were to shower their men with both red meat and head—to even the playing field, we declared today, April 14, Salad and Cunnilingus Day. Some of you thought it was unfair, considering Steak And Blow Job Day was originally created to give the men a break after Valentine's Day. To that we say "phooey." In part because we kind-of hate Valentine's Day and in part because who said February 14 was all about men doing things for women? Either way, as much as we love salad—and steak!—some clever ladies were already a step or two ahead of us.

Today is officially (if having an eponymous website makes something official) Cake and Cunnilingus Day.

Why? Well, as some enterprising men have declared March 14 to be "Steak and Blowjob Day", we women thought we'd get in on the act as well, a month later.
Cake and Cunnilingus Day is about celebrating female pleasure. It's about putting our orgasms on the agenda and demanding pleasure equality! It's about lying back and gorging on chocolate mud cake while our lover sticks his eager tongue into our pussy!
Valentine's Day is for lovers, no matter what their gender. It's about emotion, about committment [sic], about relationships.
Cake and Cunnilingus Day is a little more carnally obsessed. Forget the roses! This day puts the focus on women, their sexuality... and their tastebuds!
Of course, it doesn't have to be all about cake. If you're so inclined you're welcome to celebrate Muffins and Muff Diving Day. Or Pudding and Pussy Licking Day. Or even Candy and Clit Licking Day. The important thing is that our coochies get the oral treatment they deserve!

We'll take steak and cunnilingus, followed by some cake, thank you very much.

[Cake and Cunnilingus Day]

[Previously: Have a steak and blow job today. No, really. We insist.]

[Image via]