Scanner : cops

The Erin Brockovich of Private Eyes: Ordinary Citizen Almost Singlehandedly Solves Forgotten Murder

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:26:00 GMT

Susan Galbreath has a story to tell that would make one helluva good Meryl Streep-Angelina Jolie-type Oscar-bait vehicle. You can bet they'll figure out how to screw this one up, by bringing in romance, character flaws that insult her gender, and annoying plot holes.

In an extraordinary six-page Times (UK) story, which we'll summarize below, an English reporter discusses how this extraordinarily resilient person took on ineffective law enforcement, stalkers, killers, and-- worst of all-- failing marriages over a seven-year period to finally bring a psychotic killer and his conspirators to justice...

Back in 2000, Galbreath came across the body of a nineteen-year-old girl. The woman had been raped, strangled, and raped again repeatedly after her death, then burned beyond recognition. (Her parents identified her by her jewelry and other small indicators.) The initial police investigation failed to bring about a credible suspect and the story disappeared. Galbreath didn't care about her marriage, which was failing, and her general lack of interest in work and socializing. She befriended a reporter and lured him to Kentucky to help her investigate. The two interviewed suspects and fed their information to the police, who were either working closely with the gumshoes or ignoring them as a couple of crackpots, depending on who was in charge of the basically-forgotten case at the time.

Eventually, Galbreath was on her own. She set up a MySpace page as a tribute to the deceased and noticed that one MySpace user in the area was a person of interest-- a woman who had fled the area amid rumors she was involved in the murder. Galbreath played dumb and contacted her as if at random to ask her to contribute to the page as an area resident. It was the straw that whipped that camel's ass, and the person of the interest soon started spilling her guts out of nowhere. The MySpace user turned out to be an accomplice with a guilty conscience and later told the police how it all went down: the psycho had picked up his victim in a car full of drunk and drugged-out partiers, hit her over the head with a baseball bat, and had his conspiring female friends, of which the MySpace user was one, cover up the crime by dumping and burning the body.

18-year-old Jessica Currin had been walking home after a dullish Saturday evening at her friend’s house when she was stopped and given a lift in a car driven by Quincy Omar Cross, a 31-year-old layabout, serial hard-drug user and sexual offender. Also in the car, in a heavily drug-induced party mood, were four others – one man and three girls in their late teens.
Once she was inside the large, white, old Cadillac, Cross immediately began to sexually assault Jessica, aided by one of the girls. All four had been using cocaine, Ecstasy and alcohol. When Jessica resisted, Cross smashed a small baseball bat into the back of her head.

After several years on the (unpaid) job, Galbreath's work ultimately came down to the one chance MySpace message, but she wasn't fazed by all that lost time. Now the budding detective wants to get her PI license and has since found the love of her life and peace. At last.

Read the much more coherent (and epic) full tale here.

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Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Makes it Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:14:00 GMT

Last week, while we were taking the dog out for a poo, a man standing in the driveway of the apartment building next door said "Can I have your number?" There was no "Hi, my name is...." There wasn't even a "Hi." We wondered in what world he thinks he can approach women like that and actually get the response he wants. Instead of giving him that speech, we just said "no," gave him a disgusted look and gushed over our poopy puppy. Apparently we weren't the only ones wondering what these men are thinking. As the ladies at Jezebel asked, after a New York Times article on talking to boys about sex, how do you keep boys from becoming [::sigh::] "that creepy guy on Nerve?" [Jezebel]

Speaking of dog poo, we're glad we don't have a microphone held up to our dog's ass every time we take him out. Poor Sasha Obama. [Twitpic]

We could listen to Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen and that guy from the BBC read from Harlequin romance novels all day. Especially when Rogen still has a few extra pounds on him. [Videogum]

What can the Kansas City Police Department do to cut costs during these hard economic times? How, how about just eliminating benefits for same-sex couples? That's cool with everybody, right? [Plog]

Jennifer Love Hewitt did what any respectable starlet should do after a break-up: she got half-naked for Maxim. [People]

A fleet (a battalion?) of dolphins has joined the anti-pirate crusade. [DailyIntel]

At long last: Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman has all fourteen of her children at home. [Us]

Playboy's Famous Naked Female Cop Resurfaces

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:10:00 GMT

Carol Shaya made the cover of Playboy in August of '94, back when we still drooled over the magazine... back before we signed up for America Online and found an internet full of nudity. For about two weeks that summer, Shaya was our teenage crush-- back then we still fell in love with the women we lusted after, instead of keeping them (sadly) separate.

We remember reading with little surprise-- even in those days-- that the NYPD had fired her for appearing in the magazine, which apparently made her realize it hadn't been worth it.

Shaya hasn't really been heard from since. As far as anyone knew, she had gone into some small town modeling or a security job in Butte and simply vanished. Then TMZ found her yesterday in Los Angeles and new and interesting details about her life emerged very quickly:

Shaya is a lesbian. Which is not news, of course, but this is: she was attacked and nearly strangled by her ex-girlfriend, whom she had just broken up with. The ex-po-lice claims Jessica Phillips grabbed her by the throat and slammed her against the refrigerator in an incident in March. Shaya also says Phillips assaulted her mom and practically tossed the poor woman out of their shared California home to prevent her from staying with the couple. Either this is the worst mother-in-law ever or Phillips is-- no, clearly Phillips is just from Crazyland.

Unfortunately, all this forced Shaya to return to the spotlight. As soon as her name popped up in court papers, the tabloids were all over the still-young woman. We've decided not to show you her nude photos either... although they can be Googled if you're crafty. We wish her the peace she so clearly needs. From Wikipedia:

At first reports of the appearance, the New York City Police Department attempted to ignore the incident, but then gradually took escalating measures. In July 1994, Shaya was reassigned to a desk job at the Bronx Borough Command, not as a disciplinary action, but due to other female officers in her precinct complaining about verbal harassment from residents, who were asking about Officer Shaya's location and comparing them to her. On October 28, the NYPD filed departmental charges against Shaya, for unauthorized off-duty employment and improper use of her uniform and the Police Department logo. A police panel recommended a month's suspension, but the final decision was left to the New York City Police Commissioner. On March 7, 1995, Commissioner William J. Bratton dismissed Shaya, now using her married name Shaya-Castro, from the New York City police department. Bratton ruled that Shaya-Castro's appearance in Playboy violated the City Charter and the department's rules, so she was unfit to be a police officer. He also cited her record, which included only three arrests in four years.

Via TMZ.

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Spring Movies Full of Steamy Sex Scenes, Apparently

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 16:20:00 GMT

Today's Entertainment Weekly blogs are all about sex scenes in movies. Sex scenes in Lifetime movies, even.

If this is a true indicator of what to expect, then Spring 2009 is going to go down as having some of the hottest cinematic love scenes ever...

First EW's Popwatch has this trailer from the upcoming Cherrybomb, Rupert Grint's breakthrough-from-child-star movie:

That's bound to be saucy, even though we'll keep screaming silently, "Ron Weasley's snorting drugs!"

Meanwhile, Seth Rogan's new movie, Observe and Report, is like that Kevin James Mall Cop movie, except this actually attempts to be funny. Of course, seeing as how this is Seth Rogan, there is a good degree of envelope pushing, particularly when it comes to the sex scene. According to various sources, Rogan's character has a crush on Anna Faris's makeup counter girl character and gets her drunk on tequila one night. While she's passed out, he tries to make out with her and gets a mouth full of vomit... or something. Then, it gets all rape-y:

"I sort of thought that our 'tender lovemaking moment,' [director] Jody [Hill] was like, 'Okay, you guys are having sex and you're going to have some vomit come out of your mouth, you're passed out and your boobs are jiggling all over,'" Faris said. "I was comforted by the studio. I was like, there's no way [they'll let this pass]. There's no way. I'll do it, sure, because I don't want to be a stick in the mud but there's no way this is going to make it in the movie." [Starpulse]

Q: In that unusual sex scene, did you actually consent? Anna: I said, “Why are you stopping, mother fucker!,” and I meant it. Seth: The implication would be to keep going, yes. Anna: It was great to see that with an audience. One journalist told me that she was ready to walk away from the movie, and then, when I mumbled that line, it’s like, “Oh, my God!” It was great to see the reaction from the audience. Seth: You can literally feel people thinking, “What are they going to do to make this okay? How is this going to be acceptable?” And then, she says the one thing that makes it acceptable. It’s perfect! We did that in one take. We literally had one camera and one take. I think it took under a minute to film that scene. [Movies Online]
In retrospect, Faris is happy her love scene goes all the way. "I'm grateful, I'm grateful," she said. "I'm grateful that the movie is unapologetic." [Starpulse]

Observe and Protect is out on Friday in America. Cherrybomb is expected to be released by summer in the UK.

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Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Apparently, we're one step closer to having eternal sunshine in our spotless minds. Except, instead of forgetting about Jim Carrey doctors might be able to make us forget how much we love hamburgers. And pulled pork. And cheesecake. And those little biscuits at the seafood place. And that would be so, so awesome. [NYT]

We sort of wish we would have waited to break our wrist at the Down & Derby that Cosmo Baker is spinning at instead of the one (about this time last year) that featured some DJ we'd never even heard of. Anyway, if you're in New York and a better roller skater than we are, you should check this out. We will be in town for it, but we will not be seeing you there. [TheKeyRoom]

An iPod you can control with your facial expressions? No thanks. One day we're walking down the street trying to skip from the Katy Perry version of "I Kissed a Girl" to the Jill Sobule version. Next thing you know the guy is telling the cops he could have sworn we were begging him to put his penis in our mouth. [Reuters]

That bisexual reality star we're no longer allowed to talk about thinks that she and Meghan McCain are very similar because they're both Scorpios and they both...wait for it... "have strong opinions about things." [Us]

While Farrah Fawcett fights an uphill battle against cancer her son Redmond can't help but get into a little bit of trouble. [RadarOnline]

Patrick Swayze seems to be faring a little better in the cancer department, though it's all still so sad. [People]

Here's yet another reminder that oral sex will give you mouth AIDS or cancer or something like that. [Jossip]

Speaking of oral... we have to admit that though we've heard her name, we have no idea who Aubrey O'Day is, but apparently Kathy Griffin likes the taste of her mouth. [FadedYouth]

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While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:08:00 GMT

If you're going to bribe a cop, it's wise to aim higher than $17.

One of our strange/secret crushes, Chelsea Clinton, has gotten engaged.

Great, another reason for Nascar fans to hate Obama: this April Fool's Day prank made it seem like Obama wanted to pull millions from Nascar to punish car companies.

Another day and more rumors that Britney Spears feels like she's "in prison" and wants out of this arrangment with her father.

Our worst fear came true, and then turned out to be a gag: Heidi Montang told people she was pregnant, but thankfully it was only an April 1st thing. There's still time to sterilize the cast of The Hills.

If your attempt to rob a liquor store fails, please don't cry about it. No one made you do it...

Natalie Cole's fans are so crazy about her, they're even willing to give up their kidneys...

Coldplay, Bjork, Kid Rock, and Trent Reznor punk'd their fans yesterday.

David Cook canceled two shows due to a family crisis-- at last, entertainment news that probably isn't a joke!

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Dies in A Freak Car Accident

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:08:00 GMT

This whole "writing about fingerbanging classes" trend is really getting annoying.

Who is Melissa Rycroft and why is Hugh Hefner offering her half a million dollars to pose for Playboy?

Hummer vs. school bus. Guess who wins?

A couple of things: how did the cameraperson know to film at that moment? Does the second animal live there? (It sure seems friendly if it doesn't.) And why is the second clip for 8:17 and the first from 8:18. Other than those obvious question marks, we love this video.

Minnesota cops now have their very own Oscar Grant case.

Rihanna is apparently cooperating with prosecutors after all. And she's supposed to be on Oprah with Chris Brown at some point soon.

And this Fox News story comes from a Sun story that turns out to have been completely made up. Fox reports a prank as a true story-- it's a case of a fake "news" company reporting fake news!

If you like that, you'll just flip for the gBall. Pretty crazy, eh?

It's still early, so here's one of the few practical jokes we've seen for... April Fool's!

And if you really think Miley Cyrus died in a freak car accident last night, you obviously weren't around for last year's April Fool's Day either.

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While You Were Sleeping: It's A Lipstick Jungle Out There

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:10:00 GMT

Women in Saudi Arabia are going to other countries to shop for lingerie because of the male store employees. In other news, Saudi Arabia allows lingerie.

Prince William "can marry a Jedi," but not a Catholic.

Fake Dina Lohan and Fake Christopher Walken were outed and removed, respectively, from Twitter.

Richard Simmons never stops entertaining, even in the airport, and even if it means singing... "Single Ladies?"

What do you do if your first bank robbery fails? Go into the next bank. That way, it's easier for the cops to find you.

No one wants to have to sit through the vile, racist Rush Limbaugh show, which is why Media Matters has set up Limbaugh Wire.

John Mayer is wearing, um, a little sailor suit and, um, sniffing a mankini.

And are you sitting down? Lipstick Jungle has been canceled, if you hadn't already heard.

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Facebook Quickly Becoming a Raging Cesspool...

Britain's Sexual Hazing Rituals Apparently News to Some People...

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Erykah Badu's Stalker

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 18:36:00 GMT

Erykah Badu kept everyone (including Scanner Brian) waiting for her free show at SXSW last week, but she had a good reason. Some obsessive wack job was camped out outside her house.

She twittered it, too, under her handle "fatbellybella": "Police just apprehended a stalker in front of my house. Stay tuned to details."

Here are some of those details...

Driving to Austin now. Just got on road .. Had to file police report .

Poor chic is apparently sick . I feel so awful . Police pepper sprayed her and cuffed her .

White woman mid to late 20's had visited my home 3 or so times . Brought w/ her weird writtings .

I was kind to her first 3 times . I knew something was off . She was wearing a dilla shirt today .

When I came outside she had flowers lined up in front of my house and had spray painted the no parking sign with a peace symbol .

She had several misc. Items spread out in the grass . Blue shutters, a rabbit, a tucan , and a sketch book...

I'm gonna be late for my show ... Messing around with her .

Passing thru Waco now...with dilla played loud .

So .. The lady came to the house 1st time today around 1pm .. After light threats from me and fam she left . Was parked ok the grass in front of my house

So she comes back 30 Min later .. By this time I feel violated for real .. Cause o girl wasn't threatened at all .

Had no choice but to put the ipolice In it . Tried to reason . I felt so bad for her and her dog .

When she saw cops she took off running behind neighbors house
... Obviously she had been to jail b4 cause she wanted no parts of that

By this time there were 6 cop cars , ambulance and a fire truck ..

3 officers chased her on foot whole we all watched .

She finally comes " walking " calmly around corner toward one cop car with that big ass dog

Cop snatched her hand behind her back and she began resisting violently..

Damn I'm late

Hold on my people .

... Anyhow, all I could think of while all this is going on is .. I'm gone be on media take out .. LOL

... Or bossip.com

Scanner Brian adds: "It seemed strange that no one mentioned she would be late. Her group came out without her, late already, kept chanting her name and then abruptly left the stage right at 8pm. The lights went down, so everyone left, angry. As we were at the exit gate, Badu suddenly took the stage, played two songs, and disappeared again. Apparently, they had run out of time and still had to get Explosions in the Sky onstage. Oh well, whatever."

When cops pepper-sprayed, then arrested the fan outside Badu's house, the stalker had arranged various items, like blue shutters, a rabbit, a toucan and a sketch book. Ummm, we would have called the cops, too.

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Here's A Kind of Teacher Sex Story We've Never Seen Before...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

It's not even ten a.m. on the first day of this workweek, and there are already two bizarre teacher sex scandals to report. The first featured a kid, having engaged in a sexual relationship with his teacher since October, caught by the principal... (literally) with his pants down.

Now comes the story of yet another lecherous teacher and her teenage male victim. However, this case features a twist that we could never have predicted, even after reading of dozens of these cases over the years.

When 46-year-old junior high school teacher Linda Nef walked into a police station near Bountiful, Utah, cops had no idea a major media firestorm was about to descend on them. When Nef confessed to having sex with a thirteen-year-old male student, she fingered Valynn Bowers, 39, as a fellow rapist... of the same boy.

Bowers, in case you haven't figured this out, is a teacher at the same school.

According to local media reports, ~~Hef~~ Nef started sleeping with the boy first, but was dumped for an unknown other party, with whom the boy has been carrying on a sexual relationship for the past three months. One day, Bowers entered Nef's classroom and confronted her in what may have been a jealous rage, telling the older teacher, "I'm the new girlfriend." Or she could have simply said, "Hey, we really screwed the pooch on this one." However, we doubt that last part, as Nef is the one that freaked out and went to the police after the revelations.

The local news, predictably, has a unintentionally hilarious time trying to figure out how to work with these details:

With the suspects being so much older than their victim some wonder what would prompt them to commit the crime.
University of Utah psychology professor Don Strassberg says that would be an easier question to answer if the teachers were men. With men, he says, it's probably about the sex.
But it's more complicated when you're talking about women. For them, Strassberg says getting into a relationship like this is likely more about them: their needs, having control, getting attention.

Thank you, Professor Obvious. (Read more of his brilliant insight at ksl.com.)

We've been warning the public for months that the daily onslaught of these cases is going to eventually reach a breaking point and outdo itself-- in other words, we predicted that these kinds of "teacher sleeps with student stories" were going to involve in something even weirder, like janitor sex or parents getting used to it, but we never say a menage a trois coming....

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Woman Leads Cops Right to Her Liaison with Previous Victim

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:49:00 GMT

Sheila Langman may not be the most intelligent person.

She was arrested in October for having sex with a fifteen-year-old boy, pled not guilty, and is awaiting trial. That isn't why she's an idiot. We find her guilty of that charge because she couldn't resist a little V-Day affair with the same kid, even though she knew the police were monitoring her every move...

According to the Northwest Florida Daily News:

Sheila Langman, 38, was under GPS monitoring, according to the Santa Rosa County Sheriff's Office. At about 7:40 p.m. Friday, investigators say their alarm went off because she was near the boy's home.

Deputies tracked her and pulled her over on Misty Meadow Lane - about a mile from her own house on Parker Lake Circle - where they say the boy was in her car.

After her initial arrest in October, a judge ordered Langman, a former cheerleading coach, not to have any unsupervised contact with minors. And a perimeter around the boy's home was an "exclusionary zone" she wasn't allowed to enter.

Langman was originally arrested after a complaint was made to the Department of Children and Families, not necessarily by a family member. Police and prosecutors allege the cheerleading coach and her young man engaged in sex on multiple occasions last summer.

Oh, and in case you think this is a very, very sexy story for some bizarre reason (well, after all, the kid got in the car with her again last week), you might want to avoid seeing this mugshot.

Via NWFDailyNews.

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Is This Another Murder-Coverup of a Black Man?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:03:00 GMT

Police in Mississippi want you to believe that Billey Joe Johnson, Jr. died of a self-inflicted shotgun wound to the head while in park during a routine traffic stop. Police want you to forget that Billey Joe was black, his girlfriend was white, and that the angry white father keeping them apart was a friend of the police officer on the scene.

They also want you to forget that the official report has one glaring inconsistency in the death of an all-star high school football player weighing several major scholarship opportunities.

But Johnson's family and the NAACP are questioning whether Johnson died from a self-inflicted gunshot. A lawyer for the family has said Johnson's wounds did not appear to be consistent with a shotgun wound.
Willie Gaines, head of the George County chapter of the NAACP, said he, like many others in the community, believes Johnson had too much to live for to take his own life. The morning of his death, he was scheduled to attend an awards banquet. [Denver Post]
A witness heard two shots, not one, at the scene where Billey Joe died, according to an independent investigation launched by the Mississippi NAACP. The pathologist in that investigation has indicated that it would be impossible for a bullet from a self-inflicted shot to enter in the manner that it did. He also said that given the length of Billey Joe's arms and the length of the shotgun, it would have been impossible for him to hold the weapon and fire it at himself. [dead link, via Color of Change e-mail]

Even with this evidence, will the truth ever come out? Did the cop shoot Johnson? Did the father of his girlfriend, who had been ordered not to see the boy? All we know is that on the night in question, Johnson tapped on the girl's window, where her mother was waiting or hiding or happened to be passing by in the inside hallway. The mother called the police and Johnson took off. Color of Change notes: "This fact was not a part of the original story given by the police."

Later, he was stopped for what the police say was a pair of traffic violations: running a red light and blowing a stop sign. The cop claims he was taking Johnson's driver's license back to the car when he heard a shot and the sound of glass shattering. He turned and saw Johnson's last moments...

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Tommy Lee's Drunk Pilot Is A Boob

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

You would think it couldn't get any weirder than an arrest photo, taken by the accused drunk helicopter pilot, in which he and the arresting officer mug for the camera with a bottle of vodka and the arresting officer's shirt slightly undone...

...oh... but it does...

Here's a photo montage TMZ released showing old hijinks of the guy busted for drunkenly piloting a helicopter carrying drummer Tommy Lee:

You'll not in the bottom right enhancement (no pun intended) that the gauge notes he is speeding at 60 knots... or 69 miles an hour (no pun intended, we swear.) In an interview with TMZ, the pilot, David Martz, claims he was 300-400 feet in the air when these boob-grab pics were snapped. He's been cited by the FAA on at least one occasion and has a host of other blemishes on his record.

So, how is this douche allowed to pilot a helicopter in suburban areas, where he is lucky to not have killed multiple already?

Charm. Look at how the cop in that photo is amused by his antics... how the woman is gleefully allowing him to photograph her boobs for internet glory. (How lucky she is that TMZ censored her nipple-- we would have broadcast the photos around the world, in all their NSFW glory, had we only figured out how.)

Via TMZ.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Stephen Fry twittered about getting stuck in an elevator.

Here's a guide to touching boobs.

The latest "save the planet" theory? People should have more sex.

This jerk just won the right to attend a university even though he'd been banned from it for his disgusting feet stench. What, he couldn't just clean it up or cover the smell with super-awesome socks?

New York City is losing its loveable weirdos on an almost daily basis.

Thankfully, New York is still cool... in Legoland.

Zombies attacked Texas... now they're attacking Illinois!

Osama "Sam" Lufti is suing his former client, Britney Spears, and her wacky parents.

And Lily Allen learned that it's best not to even have a joke snowball fight with kids. The snowballs turned brutal and the cops were called in to arrest six children...

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This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:45:00 GMT

The vandalization of a gay youth center on Long Island is being investigated as a possible hate crime.

Fleshbot has TV's hottest girl-on-girl makeout moments.

Cops are cruising dudes at New York City sex shops. The undercovers are entrapping them for prostitution charges by mentioning that they will pay for sex, then waiting approximately two seconds before other cops jump the gay guys and arrest them.

A junkie is whining that gays adopted her kids.

Is it time to boycott Fedex?

Gay marriage is legal in Canada, but even that didn't stop a Manitoba doctor for refusing to even treat lesbians.

Meanwhile, in another part of Canada, an interesting decision on sperm donors.

ESPN produced an ad starring Shaquille O'Neal that will blow your mind, once you realize it was made in the 21st century.

And new Illinois Governor Patrick Quinn keeps looking better and better: turns out he's a big fan of the gays.

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Sloppy Seconds: Job-Sanctioned Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:59:00 GMT

This Mom threw such a hardcore kegger for her son and his friends that the cops found the air at her residence was running a .03 alcohol level.

The members of the Atlanta band The Black Lips are lucky to not be rotting in an Indian prison.

The truth about Joaquin Phoenix should have been obvious to everyone: he was in character for a mockumentary by Casey Affleck.

Buy an LCD TV instead of a plasma one, if you care about the environment.

The post office is considering cutting one day of service if its budgetary demands go unmet. It's time Netflix started its own shipping company and took over the world...

The A-Team really is going to be a movie. Boycott all remakes!

Someone should do a 90-minute documentary on what goes on when these cops strike for an hour-and-a-half.

Let's all get jobs at Canon in Japan so we can receive work-sanctioned early release for sex.

And Meryl Streep told Alec Baldwin she'll do 30 Rock, yay!

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Redneck Weddings: Why Don't We Ban This Kind of Marriage?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:20:00 GMT

The most memorable wedding we ever attended took place in the fall of 2001 in Southern Louisiana.

It was twenty minutes before the ceremony and the groom and I were just hitting our drinking groove at a bar in the Garden District of New Orleans. They knew us well enough to know what would come if they continued serving us such stiff drinks, so one of the bartenders demanded we leave-- after all, she was in her bridesmaid's dress and was missing half a shift to attend the festivities, so we were wasting her time.

The groom departed and I was soon left in the otherwise empty bar with my ride, a local homicide detective we'll call W. W. was falling off the stool and dropping his car keys, but I knew he was in total control. "We better hit the road," he mumbled, "The wedding is in fifteen minutes and it's twenty minutes away..."

W. and I got in his unmarked police cruiser and hit the streets, doing at least 85 miles per hour through the red lights-- it was all right, the traffic was moving too slow to hit us and do any damage anyway. At least, that's what I remember thinking.

At some point, W. made the horrendous mistake of trying to maneuver through the French Quarter, which, as usual, was swarming with jaywalking tourists. W. stared at them, never moving a muscle, not even to blink. W. had not said a word since we'd left the drinking hole ten minutes earlier. His concentration was both astonishing and frightening.

At last, he lunged across the driver's seat and yanked open the glove box. I noticed his police-issued handgun resting atop the car's registration. His hand disappeared inside and, out of nowhere, the entire street was filled with a horrible shriek-- like that sound one of the annoying characters in "Dumb and Dumber" makes to signify the most obnoxious sound in the world-- only at least 50 times louder. Seriously, every single person-- we're talking at least one hundred people-- in the vicinity stopped in their tracks and stared. Then, seeing W. glaring back at them, they quickly began to dive out of our way. See, there are perks to riding with the police.

Five minutes later, we were at the VFW hall and threw open the doors in a huff, having made it exactly on time. Unfortunately, we were greeted by a worship session attended by several dozen African-Americans, who were not at all happy to see us barreling in. Whoops-- there must be two VFW halls in the area.

Notice the initials on this one... and the shotgun shells?!

Anyway, by the time we made it to the correct location, the wedding had taken place, most of the guests had left, the booze had run out-- there wasn't any to begin with-- it was banned by the VFW hall-- and, best of all, the bride and groom were having a terrible fight. The bride, who was freshly pregnant, staggered over to us and, with barf breath, gravely intoned:

"Don't ever get married."

P.S. We were kidding with that headline, by the way.

Via Cake Wrecks and many other sources.

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Pregnant Woman, Tackled And Arrested While In Labor, To Get Her Day In Court

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:43:00 GMT

Back in May, 2005, a 24-year-old woman in Jacksonville, Florida was arrested in a hospital emergency room after running red lights and refusing to wait while an officer ticketed her. The police tackled her to the ground and cuffed her, which is what they are trained to do.

Except there's a catch: Melanie Williams was in labor and bleeding, partly as a result of having been seven-and-a-half-months pregnant. Thankfully, she was later released and gave birth to a reportedly healthy boy.

We have to admit to not being in the least surprised to learn that Melanie Williams is black. Could that have been a factor in the decisions made by police? However, we'd also like to point out, had Williams just called 911 from her house and waited for an ambulance, this might never have happened-- although, we must add, we have to wonder whether she was afraid about the cost of the ambulance versus driving herself. Universal healthcare, anyone?

Obviously, she is now suing the shit out of everyone-- and it's hard to imagine a jury not feeling sympathetic to the plight of a woman in labor screaming about being pregnant and bleeding while being handcuffed on a hospital floor. The cops fear a jury trial, as well-- until yesterday, they were fighting a lower court ruling that ordered them to face a civil suit. The two deputies claimed to have "immunity," which the appeals court judge scoffed at.

(One more irrelevant tidbit: the day Melanie Williams gave birth was Mother's Day.)

[Earlier version corrected for clarity.]

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To Catch a Teacher, Brooklyn Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 20:17:00 GMT

Alexander Kravitz (a.k.a. EVRYDAYGURLS), a 26-year-old auto mechanics teacher and basketball coach, had been sending dirty messages and webcam videos to a 14-year-old girl for nearly two months before he arranged for a rendezvous in Queens.

Except, when he showed up for their meeting yesterday with the hopes of making a sex tape, Kravitz didn't quite get what he had bargained for.

Oops! (No that's not supposed to be a gay stripper, just a sexy cop!)

Kravitz had, much to his surprise, been sending his SXY VIDS 4 U 2 C!!! to the NYPD.

A search of Kravitz's home later turned up "a trove of child porn," according to police.

[NYDN: Police nab Brooklyn teacher in sex sting]

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[Image (we dare you to follow that link), Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 22:51:00 GMT

Scanner Santa has a slew of gift ideas for you: sex toys, DVDs, a pair of shoes and... an artificial virginity hymen?

Plus, there's a mother lode of delectable posts you missed out on this week...

HIGHS:

Fleshbot stuffed our stockings with dildos.

The 1925 office party almost made us wish we worked in an actual office instead of in our underwear.

Santacon: the only holiday event we participate in, besides gift-receiving.

The publishing industry is in turmoil-- get people books as presents, if you can.

It's the end of the year: time to crown a new Miss World and imprison the losers in a zoo.

Cops and hookers celebrated the holiday as only they can(not, under police rules.)

Scanner Verena drooled over the Santa undie run.

Joe Biden got himself a lovely Christmas present.

We're no longer afraid of Mike Tyson, thanks to how much turkey he obviously ate last month.

Italian scientists gave the women of the world the greatest gift of all: orgasms.

LOWS:

George Bush ducked a pair of shoes-- this would've been a high, if not for his excellent reflexes.

He responded to the controversy by releasing this atrocious video of his family's acting skills, which are worse than Leonardo DiCaprio's.

Paula Abdul also dumped some holiday crap on us.

We're still trying to figure out how Scanner Matt narrowed down this list to a mere 5 shittastic Christmas commercials.

This holiday season, skip the rom-coms that will be cropping up in your gift boxes.

The Artificial Virginity Hymen should not be on Christmas list. Just stop.

Meanwhile, Time Warner wasted time it should've better spent fixing New York's internet problems by producing this calendar.

And we're not sure if this is a high or a low: but an obviously poor boy broke into a dollar store to play with some of their toys. Merry Christmas, kid.

Same with this: Scanner Emily peaced out on NYC, moved to Missoura. We'll miss her physical presence up North, but she'll still be around in our Google chats and sidebars, for sure, starting next week.

Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:25:00 GMT

We've been reading about this story for a few days now, but we were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yes, this story is so shocking, we assumed it was fake, exaggerated, or rife with accidental factual errors or some combination of the three. Unfortunately, though, the Galveston Police Department has not released a plausible denial, so we have to assume that, to a large extent, this is a true story...

Here's what we (think we) know:

1) A 12-year-old African American female is playing in front yard in Galveston, Texas two years ago. Out of nowhere, a van pulls up and three men jump out, call her a prostitute and grab her. When she screams "Daddy, Daddy," they clamp her mouth shut and beat her on the mouth and face. Her father responds to her cries (hero!) and starts beating up the men (not heroes.)

2) The men (if one can call these pieces of shit that) turn out to be police officers. All kosher so far, right? Whoops-- it turns out they were plainclothes cops, didn't identify themselves as police (big no-no, as any boy in blue will tell you), and were supposed to be responding to a report of three Caucasian prostitutes in a different part of the neighborhood. What excuse did these officers provide for seizing on the pre-teen black girl? She was wearing "short shorts." (We'll refrain from making a crack about how all preteen girls would be prostitutes under these guidelines since, well, preteen girls are surely acting more and more like prostitutes these days, anyway...)

3) The girl, who is an honor student, was released and subsequently arrested while in school, where she is an honor student. She was charged with "assaulting a public servant"-- which itself is almost a sick joke, since every word of that charge is a boldfaced lie.

4) No one heard about the case for two years because, quite justifiably, the girl and her family were afraid to tell anyone. An intrepid reporter spotted the ongoing case on a court docket and blew the lid off the whole thing. Of course, the mainstream media are ignoring the story-- probably because the family is poor, black, from Texas, and probably unwilling to cooperate with the obnoxious press. We can't say we blame them, although we hope that this gets major publicity and that all three police officers lose their jobs...

...if this is a factual story, of course.

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Cops Stripped Of Duties After Wild Hooker Party

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:53:00 GMT

Imagine you're a cop in Australia. How is it possible you're able to carry out your duties with the high-quality gene pool there?

Who could blame the cops in the country's Northern Territory for growing restless while on patrol and stopping off at the Hooker Ball for a grope and grind?

According to the local media in Darwin, NT, the two cops were removed from street work after compromising photographs turned up from an annual pimps-and-hoes-themed costume party in the sleepy capital. They were supposed to be checking the club for crime, drunken antics, and proper licensing, but instead got a couple of lapdances and delivered one or two spankings. What, does Darwin want its cops to be asexual or-- worse-- un-fun?

As these pictures prove, the coppers had no other choice. They should be exonerated.

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Teacher Arrested For Possession of Drugs, Terrible Goatee

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

A highly-praised Wisconsin high school math teacher has been busted by the cops for giving out weed, shrooms, and coke to his former students at his own house parties. No wonder he received a 4.4 on Rate My Teachers...

Roger "Bring the" Payne, is a 47-year-old teach at Wauwatosa East High School in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin... but perhaps his contract will not be renewed following this unfortunate incident. Payne pulled the classic Boy George bonehead move-- he called the cops about a break-in at his home, where he happened to be in possession of marijuana. Double whoops-- they also slapped him with charges of obstruction of justice and drug trafficking.

Somebody ratted out The Roge... and they will pay. Probably a small fine, that is, since the burglar/rat took nothing with him:

The 21-year-old man accused of breaking into Payne's home tells police he partied with Payne often. He alleges the parties included marijuana, mushrooms and cocaine. The 21-year-old thought it was "wrong for a teacher to be partying with former students."

Dude... you're 21 years of age... it's wrong for you to be breaking into people's homes and then narcing on them to the fuzz. And if you think it's wrong for the teacher to have those parties, maybe you shouldn't have partaken in them and called the authorities a long time ago; you would look like so much less of a douchebag if you did.

By the way, we can speak so authoritatively on these matters because we had multiple teachers in high school who used to get us wasted-- and not on Miller High Life, okay? And although these adult males exhibited questionable judgment with regard to our health and safety, they weren't deserving of losing their jobs and going to jail for multiple years either.

Sorry for the rant. Photo and partial info via TMJ4-TV.

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Today in Sweden: Teen Sex For Booze On The Rise

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 14:40:00 GMT

The percentage of people trading sex for booze is on the rise in the U.S. and Canada, especially among former Brady Bunch stars.

Now a truly oblivious police department in Sweden wants to warn teens about trading sex for booze... as some guys would like to have sex with you in exchange for the booze. Thank you, Lieutenant Obvious...

Police in Stockholm, Sweden are concerned about what they perceive to be a rise in teenage girls offering their bodies to creepy men who are lurking outside liquor stores, hoping teenage girls will offer up their bodies. Police also say these teens are arranging sex by-- breaking news, people!-- text messages and a newfangled invention called the internet, which is apparently a ripoff of the Bulletin Board System.

Seriously, these cops are freaking out over one case in which a guy convicted of sexual harassment and for possessing child pornography bought three sixteen-year-old girls a stockpile of liquor and then brought them back to their place. No word on whether these teenagers (who were dumb enough to not rip the guy off and just take off running with their booze) were molested, but no matter...

Word to Swedish police: this practice has been going on since the advent of moonshine, and probably even before that. Telling teenagers not to do something only encourages them-- you should instead put up posters of very hairy older men saying, "Yes, we'd love to buy you a six pack... but you'll have to spend an hour in my World of Warcraft sex dungeon first." That should take care of the problem right quick...

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Live From Death Row: A Killer's Last Words, Before His Life Was Spared

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:59:00 GMT

Jose Angel Moreno should be dead already.

He's a death row inmate in Texas, of all places, which means he's lucky he wasn't taken out and shot before his appeal even came up. This is not a dig at Texas-- this is a dig at how Texas State Government views the death penalty. And the fact that 23 years have passed since Moreno committed a murder-kidnapping and Moreno still hasn't been put to death is either a miracle or a travesty of justice, depending on which side you're on...

Anderson Cooper's 360 blog has a diary entry from Moreno in which he talks about the moments leading up to his own execution:

When your final visit is almost up, the warden (Hirsch) comes to pick you up. From that point on, every officer that has any dealings with you is a sergeant or higher, mostly lieutenants and captains. When you come out of the visiting room, there is a lot of freeworld people there. I didn’t recognize any, except the wardens. From there, you are escorted to a cage where you are searched thoroughly (you know, lift your feet and wiggle your toes, bend over and spread your ass-cheeks, then with the same hands stick your fingers in your mouth and pull your mouth open so they can check your other cheeks!) and given all brand-new clothing and cloth shoes.
The last thing Warden Hirsch says to me is, “Thanks for being a man about all this.”

Now, getting back to the death chamber. Once they get you out of the van and walk you the few feet to the holding area right next to the death chamber, they lock the door and repeat the process of removing the leg irons, belts, handcuffs and hog chain. They strip you right there in front of them (no cage necessary because there’s about 12 built or big rank all around you — a major or two, captains, and lieutenants). After they search you and dress you in their brand-new clothing, they allow you to walk over to the finger-printing booth (two sets of prints) and walk to their holding cell.
You know those huge 10-gallon containers they bring our juice/tea to the pods? Well, there’s three of them on the table. One with coffee, one tea, and I think one of juice. Then there’s milk cartons chilling on ice and a BIG silver platter with all sorts of sweets on it: cookies, buns, rolls, pastries, etc.

When the warden shows up, I think he is there to gauge how you are going to behave. He starts off by telling you what is going to happen. At 3 o’clock they will let you walk out of your cell and walk to the next cell where you will be behind a screen so you can visit with your spiritual advisor. The spiritual advisor visit lasts about an hour. Then, at 4, they will bring your last meal.
...you won’t see him no more until 6, when he comes to get you. He will say, “It’s time.” At that point, you will walk out of the cell and directly through that door (you can see it from the cell, it’s only about 10-15 feet), that’s the execution chamber. You will then be placed on the gurney and strapped down. Then two medically trained personnel will stand on each side and inject a catheter into each arm. Then he (warden) will stand behind your head and ask you if you have a last statement. He will give you about two minutes but is flexible, depending on what you are saying. He has two rules: 1) No profanity or cussing, and 2) It must be in English.

Then he tells you that if you get a stay, the chaplain will come inform you. Finally, he asks if you have any questions. It is at this time you are supposed to ask him to use the telephone and smoke cigarettes as per the instructions you will receive from the chaplain the day before. He tells you that the chaplain will provide the cigarettes and that you can call as many people as you want but the person must be in the continental U.S., and all phone calls will stop at 5.

So the warden leaves and I get right on the phone. I get some very sweet tea, a milk, and wait for him to light me a cigarette. The first person I talk to on the phone is my oldest (longest-lasting) friend, Linda. But I wasn’t doing much talking because I was trying to choke down my sobbing. (Sobbing is uncontrollable crying). It was at this point that it all made sense to me and I was more scared than I’ve ever been in my whole life.

Of course, since you're reading the journal entry, you know Moreno must've received a visit from the chaplain and that the chaplain let him know the execution had been stayed. Sure enough, as of this writing, Moreno lives in the only civilized country on earth that allows capital punishment.

Via CNN.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:42:00 GMT

Like many of you, we're suckers for corrupt cop stories. Not the scary corruption kind (like Matt Damon in The Departed), the kind that involves traffic cops sleeping with women they've given $100 in tickets to in exchange for ripping up said tickets.

Two stories today jumped out at us about cops who weren't just dumber than the criminals they usually tackle, but funnier and widely-publicized, too...

1) A married British constable was sentenced to four months in jail because he could not stop having sex with women while at work. The first woman used to make him meals and had sex with him while he was on duty, while the second woman was undoubtedly a victim. He arrested her after an incident involving her boyfriend, stroked her hands while fingerprinting her, then, while he was supposed to be giving her a ride home in a police van, invited her to take a walk in the woods for a "chat." He then all but forced a kiss on her, whereupon she decided to file the complaint that landed him in prison. Bye bye, copper. [Yahoo]

2) Check this out... you're a bored Secret Service agent and you decide you desperately need to get laid. So what do you do? If you're this unnamed agent, you roll up to a female prostitute, inquire about her pricing, show her your Secret Service uniform so she knows who to look for down the road, agree on a $20 fee (for what? a kiss on the cheek? that's it? $20?), and roll straight over to where the DC police, which is conducting a sting, is ready to arrest you. Let's hope this guy wasn't on the Presidential detail or Barack Obama is in trouble... [Fox]

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While You Were Sleeping: Watch Karl Rove Fight Off A Bunch of Hippies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 14:35:00 GMT

Richard Branson and his kids set off from New York at 2 a.m. in an attempt to break the transatlantic speed record by arriving in England in under six days.

What is up with these cop impersonators lately? First, there was the fake cop who pulled over a guy who turned out to be his neighbor, who called the real police on him. Now, in our hometown of Hartford, Connecticut, a couple of phonies pulled over-- you called it-- an actual cop.

A decision was reached in the Britney Spears driving trial...

A mistrial was declared Tuesday in Britney Spears’s misdemeanor trial for driving without a license. The jury was deadlocked 10-2 in favor of the singer’s innocence, the foreman said in open court. “The jury is hopelessly deadlocked, and I declare this a mistrial,” stated Judge James A. Steele. The jury had deliberated for three days... [CelebSpin]

Wait, how the hell could someone actually be innocent of driving without a license? The record shows she didn't have a license, everyone admits she was driving during the time she didn't have a license, and then she goes to trial for it. Someone needs to explain this justice system of ours...

Check out this bizarre incident in which a nutjob hippie lady from San Francisco fails in an attempt to arrest Karl Rove for treason.

Meanwhile, Tina Fey says the trick to playing GOP favorite Sarah Palin is that she glues her ears down. Fey's own, that is...

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Cop Fired For Drinking With Teens, Tasering Them For Laughs

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:05:00 GMT

You'd think after all the horror stories about death-by-cop and death-by-tasering-by-cop, that a) a cop would be hesitant to use it on an innocent fifteen-year-old boy and b) the fifteen-year-old boy wouldn't have verbally requested a tasering... for fun...

But that's exactly what happened at one party consisting of more than a dozen underage drinkers and one police officer... an off-duty police officer... who was also drinking.

The video capture above is more than you need to know, but the facts are these, in case you care:

Officer Dan Nesmith has now been fired from the force. He admitted to the party after his own taser was used as evidence against him. It turns out every police taser has a computer chip in it and that told Eustis' police chief when it was fired.
It's absolutely shocking that a police officer would host a house party with kids as young as 15 and 16 drinking, but it is jaw-dropping to watch a cop who's been drinking offer to use a taser on a 15-year-old boy in the middle of the big birthday bash.

Do we need to mention this took place in a small town in Florida? Nope, didn't think so.

By the way, check out this hilarious picture caption:

It was one of the kid's goals-- life goals-- to receive a tasering? Dude, Officer Nesmith, tase him again...

Via WFTV.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:51:00 GMT

Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama on Meet the Press. He pointed out the Senator is and has always been a Christian... and so what if he was a Muslim?

A gym teacher posed as a lesbian model to try to get his student to send him a nude self-portrait.

Jon Stewart has only one thing to say to Sarah Palin... and he can't say it on TV...

That's right... he tells Sarah Palin: "Fuck you." The full transcript of this almost completely garbled video is here.

Guess how much a tennis lesson with Andy Roddick costs? A million bucks, right? That's what you'd think, but not only is it a mere 15 g's, Roddick is throwing in a nudity option as well.

You know how much we love pranks.

The shortlist for the Oscars' Best Foreign Language Film nominees was announced, although we don't think many of them will see release in the U.S. for a while.

A man was charged with taking a leak in a police car and spitting on a cop. The man was, of course, butt naked at the time.

And a bunch of cheerleaders were busted for hitting the bottle before The Big Game. Wait, some teenagers aren't drunk the night before a big game? That's not the America we know and love...

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Mom Sent 12,000+ Texts To Her Daughter's Ex-Boyfriend... Then Tried To Blackmail Him

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:45:00 GMT

Yes, we pretty much summed this one up in the headline... but you know there are thousands of these a day and if we're printing it, you know there's a lot of devil in these details...

An unnamed Illinois woman is being investigated for harassment, child pornography, and blackmail after her daughter's ex-boyfriend's family contacted the police. Wait till you a) find out what the unnamed woman does for a living and b) how old these kids are...

1) Police seized computers and cell phones from the woman's Elgin, Illinois home and her place of business. (We'll get to that momentarily.)

2) Police claim the woman sent approximately 12,302 text messages-- wait, how did they count them all?!-- just in the first seven months of the year to her daughter's ex-boyfriend. The boy's family waited all the way until August before contacting the cops. W... T... F?

3) When the harassment didn't work, the woman and her son, defending his sister's honor, threatened to release nude photos of they boy on the internet if he didn't see the dumpee "twice a week."

4) The strong-willed ex-boyfriend's age? A whopping thirteen-years-old. It takes some serious self-determination to not cave to that kind of harassment and blackmail, especially since it took so long to go to the police. (Either this girl was insane herself or this guy is our new personal breakup hero for his determination.)

5) Here's the best part. As the Chicago Tribune article reveals at its conclusion:

On Sept. 23, the woman left a message warning the boy she would "send the pictures and video of him to his teacher and minister to show them he is not a nice person," the search warrant stated.

Oh, and this mother's job at the school? She's a teacher.

God, we love Chicago.

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