Scanner : conservative

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:45:00 GMT

Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke just gave us another reason to hate his awful company-- he signed a petition to ban gay adoptions in Arkansas.

A gay porn star attending college has received a reported 150 hate e-mails from so-called "good Christians."

Bigots like Rick Warren and Sarah Palin are among Time's 100 Most Influential People.

Moron Republican Congressman Steve King thinks gays wouldn't get "bashed" so much if they just stopped acting so gay (never mind that many hate crime victims are straight people mistaken for homosexuals.) Jon Stewart, thankfully, had something to say about this.

Kudos to Britain for banning hatemonger and violence-inciting shout machine Michael Savage from entering their country ever again.

A McDonald's in Kentucky settled with two patrons who were called "faggots" by restaurant staff.

By the way, we heard that the Democratic Governor of New Hampshire might veto the gay marriage bill. Anyone else heard this?

The most trusted Mom(s) in America? Portia and Ellen:

With 31%, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi took the top spot. Rounding out the list were Jennifer Aniston (22%), Rachel Ray (20%), Angelina and Brad (18%) and coming in last was Oprah Winfrey with 9%. [Strollerderby]

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Congratulations, Miss Beautiful... Morals

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 23:28:00 GMT

They don't allow women to drive; they barely allow them to breathe without permission. So, it should come as no surprise that the only "pageants" held in Saudi Arabia involve women who are basically invisible, covered until to the eyeballs in black fabric (in 120-degree temperature land, to boot.) Of course, these pageants are not about beauty... unless you consider rigid conservative "morals" beautiful.

Meet Miss Beautiful Morals! She's hot as hell... under all that heavy material.

Actually, this is the judge of the Miss Beautiful Morals pageant... but no matter.

By the way, the candidates will not be judged on their looks-- they'll be ranked based on their devotion to their parents. So, if my parents wanted to sell me out to an 80-year-old man or demanded I marry my first cousin, who is a serial murderer who spits on children in the street, I would be disqualified? That's what IndyStar tells us:

"The idea of the pageant is to measure the contestants' commitment to Islamic morals... It's an alternative to the calls for decadence in the other beauty contests that only take into account a woman's body and looks," said pageant founder Khadra al-Mubarak.

"The winner won't necessarily be pretty," she added. "We care about the beauty of the soul and the morals."

So after the pageant opens Saturday, the nearly 200 contestants will spend the next 10 weeks attending classes and being quizzed on themes including "Discovering your inner strength," "The making of leaders" and "Mom, paradise is at your feet" - a saying attributed to Islam's Prophet Muhammad to underline that respect for parents is among the faith's most important tenets.

Pageant hopefuls will also spend a day at a country house with their mothers, where they will be observed by female judges and graded on how they interact with their mothers, al-Mubarak said. Since the pageant is not televised and no men are involved, contestants can take off the veils and black figure-hiding abayas they always wear in public.

So, they'll be judged on how they look in private, although they can't look that way in public? Something seems a bit off about that, but whatever-- the whole thing is a disaster as is, due to the total mockery of human decency that is Saudi Arabia. [Update: If you are upset that I am attacking a country for its indecency, then you need to read this.]

And one more thing: until Miss Beautiful Morals took the country by storm in 2008, "the only pageants were for goats, sheep, camels and other animals, aimed at encouraging livestock breeding." Meanwhile, did you hear that Afghanistan isolated its lone pig (yes, there's only one in the entire country, we swear) for fear everyone would get swine flu.

Ah, God bless Islam. [Which is a joke.]

More on Saudi Arabia here and Afghanistan here.

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How to Find a Woman's Erogenous Zones... From A Men's Magazine in India

A New Book About Sex, Geared For Toddlers And Up

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 May 2009 17:08:00 GMT

Last year, a 1992 book about sex for kids, written by Narelle Wickham, was re-released with little notice.

That's all changed now that Focus on the Family has found out it contains positive messages about same sex marriage, artificial insemination, and a whole host of other "adult" issues. Oh, and it's being marketed for toddlers...

One ad for the book describes it this way:

It includes simple age appropriate descriptions of sexual intercourse, donor insemination, In Vitro Fertilisation and Gamete Intra Fallopian Transfer, as well as pregnancy, birth, adoption, surrogacy, and same-sex parented families. A pioneering book when first published to wide acclaim in 1992, this new edition is now printed in full colour and includes updated content.

That's not how Focus on the Family, America's greatest source of disturbing press releases, sees it:

The controversial publication, Where Did I Really Come From?, also features a drawing of two gay men holding a baby, in a chapter about surrogacy.

The publisher's marketing spruiks the book, which includes in-depth descriptions of sexual intercourse, as suitable to be read to two-year-old children.

"It devalues the traditional family unit and at the very least desensitises us," Focus On The Family spokeswoman Deb Sorensen said.

In a chapter on assisted conception, the book tells children: "Sometimes, a woman really wants to have a baby but she doesn't want to have intercourse with a man. Some women want to bring up a baby by themselves, or with another woman, so the baby gets two mums.

"A woman may go to a doctor who will arrange to get some sperm for her, or a special man she knows may agree to give her some of his sperm."

The book was... relaunched by Learn to Include [publisher of books with positive gay characters and messages.]

Learn to Include's website says the book's "simple, non-judgmental explanations of sexual intercourse, assisted conception, pregnancy, birth, adoption and surrogacy are "suitable for 2-12 year olds". [News.com.au]

The best part of this entire book are these lines:

A woman and a man hug and caress each other, and the woman accepts the man's penis into her vagina. After a while lots of sperm come out of his penis and into her vagina.

Of course, the book does not get into what happens when the man cannot make sperm come out of his penis. Because that would be too much for a two-year-old's brain to process.

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How to Find a Woman's Erogenous Zones... From A Men's Magazine in India

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 16:43:00 GMT

Just what you needed, dudes: a men's magazine in an ultra-conservative country giving you advice on how to give a woman sexual pleasure...

Here are some of the highlights of a story from Adonis Corner, the self-proclaimed "largest online men's magazine in India." Do try this at home, folks:

The back of the neck, more than other body parts, is incredibly important. Just behind the ear, brush the surface of the hollow part with your breath before applying light contact. Keep the touch light, but not enough to tickle. Notice how deep she’s breathing. This will indicate her state of euphoria and whether kissing is recommended.

While it may seem obvious, when caressing the breasts, avoid going straight for the nipples. Even the area where the breasts begin, at the collar bone, is sensitive to touch. Touch her collar bone using small circles, slowly widen the circles until you cup her breast gently in your hand.

Gently follow the lines of her ribs towards, but stop just short of, her breasts. This can send shivers through her body. Use your tongue, fingers or a feather to add a little extra spice to the situation.

The navel is a controversial area. Some love it, others hate it. Find out whether she enjoys having her navel stimulated. If she enjoys it, you can use anything to excite this area.

Controversial? Wow, we had no idea navels were that bad-ass.

Like the nipples, the inner thighs aren’t an expressway to her genitals. Caress the inside of her leg; tease her by stopping just short of the pubic area. Lotions and massage oils are recommended in this area.

The back of the knees are one of the body’s pulse points, where often women place perfume. This area can be very ticklish for some women, so be careful. Kiss her gently behind the knees on your way to her inner thighs.

Many people haven’t tried it, but sucking the toes can go over well with some women. Good hygiene is crucial for this activity, of course. It’s unlikely any woman will turn down a foot massage, so you can start off slowly by caressing her toes.

Now that's what we call a controversial statement. Haven't they heard of being ticklish?

Via this magazine.

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Top 5 Nude Beaches in North America

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:43:00 GMT

If you're gay or just want to see a bunch of naked men making out, tanning, splashing each other, or just plain frolicking in the sun, OutTraveler has the list for you.

And if you're a lady person and just want to let it all hang out among guys who probably won't take your picture and put it on NudeBeachCam.com or whatever, you'll want to know where the hot spots are...

Theirs is a Top 5 list, beginning with the only entry for an ocean beach in the continental United States: unfortunately, it's in Miami...

1. Haulover Beach, Miami. Apparently, this is the only nude beach in Flordia and arguably one of the country's finest of any kind. Pro: Lots of good looking people. Con: It's in Miami, for God's sake. Not only that, it's a mob scene virtually from the crack of dawn to after the cops toss everyone off the beach.

2. Hippie Hollow, Austin. We were surprised to learn there was a nude beach in Austin and even more surprised to learn that Texas police haven't raided it with rubber bullets yet. Pro: "Over a hundred swimming holes, a gay-adored beach, and impressive climbing crags beckon from the star of Texas." Con: "The gay section is about 15 minutes walk to the left from the parking lot." Then again, that kind of distance between you and the rest of the local bathers could be a "pro."

3. Hanlan’s Point, Toronto. We don't often think "nude beach" and "Canada" go together, but this entry convinces us. Pro: The fifteen-minute ferry to the beach has an amazing view of the city and, at 6.50CA, is the only thing you'll have to spend money on to get to the sand. Also, water quality is monitored constantly and is usually excellent. Con: You have to wait for it to get hot enough. In Canada.

4. Little Beach, Makena, Maui, Hawaii. Up a trail in the hills of Maui, this island hideaway has one major catch: it's illegal to go naked anywhere in public in Hawaii. Pro: Bragging rights about going naked in Maui-- is there anything that can make your Facebook friends more jealous than to read that status update? Con: Having your hands cuffed behind your back when you're naked-- and not getting any S&M out of it.

5. Wreck Beach, Vancouver. Man, who knew there were so many opportunities to take your clothes off in Canadia Land? Pro: "Naked vendors ply the beach offering water, beer, sandwiches, and a surprising array of narcotics. Ask any student how to get to the access paths that lead down to the water." Better yet, ask a student while you're naked doing a snort of coke off your boyfriend's umbrella tip. Con: Absolutely nothing that we can think of...

By the way, if you're over in the UK, you should know that the country's oldest nude beach will close after this summer, thanks to coastal erosion (i.e. global warming.)

Via OutTraveler.

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Top 10 Dumbest Anti-Obama Signs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:48:00 GMT

How did we narrow this list of dozens, perhaps hundreds of examples of conservative stupidity down to a mere 10 photographs, you ask?

The long answer is that we had a seizure from the Flickr slideshow overload, then a fit of hysterics for twenty minutes, followed by the realization that scary people cannot be reasoned with, even by good work and actual progress, and decided to call it a day with these ten (frightening) images...

With lots and lots of therapy, honey.

We weren't aware small children paid taxes unless corporate America's dreams came true and indentured servitude and child labor have returned.

If you mean in "an arbitrarily-priced future-debt sort of way," maybe. We wonder what that debt would like like after another four years of Bush Administration economics.

What an oxymoran: "speak for yourself" (pro-First Amendment!) and "America is a Christian nation" (anti-First Amendment!)

Right-- because the new face of an Aryan national movement would logically be... a half-black man.

Why did we assume the previous photo would be the worst they could do? Nope. There's a man with a sign who believes rich people paying 3% more in taxes and giving tax cuts to the middle class is equivalent to murdering six million people. How do we know we're on the right side of history? Because this type of person will always be on the other.

If you're like all the previous entrants and find that the facts don't support your idiotic views, you can always try to win by confusion and incoherence.

These Republicans are so confused at what the message is for the Fox-led Tea Parties that they bring all sorts of contradictory signs ("POOP!") to the protest and obscure each other's words. Even the ones we can read don't make a lot of sense. FAIL.

And finally, a sign so stupid it will make even a reasonable Obama hater laugh...

Wow. How effective, sir. We humbly beg your forgiveness for voting for this very BAD man.

By the way, the Huffington Post has several of these in its own Top 10 list of the most offensive tea party protest signs, but we don't think this sign is all that offensive (except to your intelligence.) So, without further ado, our Honorable Mention:

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Sexy Garden Gnomes Offend Wankers

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 15:59:00 GMT

In West Midlands, UK, the Old Guard is trying desperately to prevent its open-minded seniors from corrupting the youth with their naked garden gnomes.

The full, horrific and incredibly graphic photos of these hideous beasts-- along with equally hilarious quotes from those who seek to save us from these insults to our mores-- after the jump...

For more than fifteen years, nude gnomes have stood in 64-year-old Sarah Smith's garden, unashamed of the imaginary bodies their imaginary God gave them. Then, of course, an unnamed woman moved in next door and was worried her young children might be filled with wild, underage lust for old bearded men if they saw the nude creatures. So she called the town council and had a police officer order Smith's little dudes covered up:

"I don't think they should be in a garden with my young kids running around nearby," she said.

"They are childish and I think it pathetic that they are in a front garden in full view of everyone."

Of course, there's nothing pathetic whatsoever with caring so much about a bunch of naked garden gnomes that you have to get the cops involved. Nothing at all.

Via the Telegraph.

Nude Sunbathing Under Attack Worldwide

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:49:00 GMT

You would think that, given the state of the world economy, people would become more willing to relax their stubborn attitudes on issues more likely to stimulate the economy, from marijuana to gay marriage to nude sunbathing.

But not in this case. From North Carolina in the United States to Perth in Australia, nudity is under attack by male Puritans-- and yes, they are almost always males...

First, in Bird Island, North Carolina, a man with a wife and children complained to authorities about having had to "endure" topless sunbathers. Those authorities responded immediately and issued a press release reminding everyone that they can't let their wangs flap in the breeze... or something.

Brunswick County officials say they will come up with a sign banning nudity on the beach. County commissioners say Bird Island is not a registered nude beach and that full exposure is against state law. [News 14]

Ah. Notice they said "full exposure is against state law"-- is North Carolina one of those crazy left-wing states that supports the right of women to show their nipples? Try it some time, dear readers, and let us know how that goes.

Meanwhile, in Australia, a recent survey found that 33% of the country is against topless sunbathing. And here we thought Australia was more open minded. Even those who thought they should be "tolerated" were kind of whiny about it:

...anti-nudists [said] they "didn’t want to see it all hang out". totaltravel.com global marketing manager Paul Fisher said the survey showed that Australians are tolerant of nudity.

However, he said a number of respondents who agreed to have more nudist beaches in Australia called for appropriate signage.

“While a leading proportion of voters agreed that a little bit of flesh never hurt anyone, a few did comment that if more nude beaches were introduced there would have to be appropriate signage to alert families or children to what kind of beach it was,” Mr Fisher said.
“Some also called for nude beaches to be secluded and away from beaches where families congregated." [News.com.au]

C'mon, people, we can do better than that...

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"Britain's Sexiest Teacher" In Hot Water After Steamy Photo Shoot

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 15:10:00 GMT

Natasha Gray, voted Britain's Sexiest Teacher in a phone survey following a television show seven years ago, is (finally) back in the news again for doing the only thing that could ever upset a British parent: not being able to live on a teacher's salary.

Apparently, some parents were worried about their children being taught by a woman who models in the near-nude... and here we thought Britain was more enlightened about the female form than their American counterparts...

Some kid who couldn't keep his or her mouth shut (who talks to their parents about what goes on at school anyway?) told his/her mom that Gray had lingerie photos up on iModel, a website for aspiring underwear champions. The woman wrote an anonymous letter to the school informing them of the photos, which she said was "disgusted" by the "inappropriate" spread.

"I assume the pupils have a good giggle about it but I find it rather crass."

Well, my dear, if teachers were banned from doing anything one single person finds offensive, the only thing they could do was sit absolutely still and keep their eyes closed. In other words, find something better do with your time, mom.

Meanwhile, "Tasha" has been told she will not be fired, but that the school hopes she knows that this will go down on her permanent record.

Via various English media sources and iModel.

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Why in the Christ Do You Have a Kid?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

A new website called "Why the Fuck Do You Have A Kid?"-- is a sort of baffled liberal person's response to Bristol Palin, Jamie Lynn Spears, and the rest of these raised-by-Christian-conservatives teenage moms. Of course, it features disturbing photos that say all we'll ever need to know about their lives.

Some of it, of course, is silly and much of it is patently offensive. A few of the photos, however, need to be laughed at to cover the horror we feel deep down for the babies pictured therein:

This girl doesn't look old enough to conceive a child let alone raise one. The rest fare no better.

While the site is arguably awful, even borderline-worthless, perhaps it will be part of a growing movement of people who aren't afraid to say, "Hey, look, it's great that your teenager wants to bring life into the world, but they can wait five or ten years, since they aren't even allowed to drink when the baby won't stop crying."

A better way to put it might be that the growing acceptance of teen pregnancy by conservative culture (when it isn't an African American teenager whose family is on welfare, of course) has us worried that teenagers will find that there is no longer any taboo about getting pregnant, just about having sex.

Via WTFDYHAK.

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Wacko Right-Wing Politician Hit With Nude Photo Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:02:00 GMT

Pauline Hanson has railed against an "Asian invasion" in Australia, been to jail for electoral fraud, appeared on Dancing With the Stars, and made a strong political comeback, all over the course of a relatively brief career.

Now, Hanson's bid "as an independent at the upcoming 2009 Queensland state election" may be in jeopardy after a series of nude and raunchy photos have surfaced...

When Hanson was 19, she posed for another teenager who she fell for thanks to his awesome Harley Davidson motorcycle. At least, that's what her now ex-boyfriend told the Australian papers that originally published these photos. At some point, he convinced her to pose for his camera:

Unfortunately, these censored pics are the only ones released by the media.

Two things: one, this girl looks older than 19 and two, how can we be sure this is her? Hanson denies it, flat out, although that's the obvious talking point for a right-wing politician. The publisher of the original photos claims that his paper did "a very, very extensive checking process which... involves stripping out colours, looking at the pixel count in images. These images are not doctored. They are not fakes, it's not her head stuck on somebody else's body."

While the model may be entirely human, how do we know the model is Pauline Hanson?

Australia's major political parties could care less-- they were in unanimous agreement that the photos will not affect this weekend's election...

Read more about this story here.

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Sloppy Seconds: Chris Brown's Mystery Woman Revealed

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:58:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton told everyone about falling in love with Bill Clinton. Of course, they only want to hear about how she fell out of love with Bill Clinton.

By the way, where did Rielle Hunter get the name Frances Bean from?

Young women mistakenly think men want potential female partners to drink them under the table. Got that?

Is the future of the conservative movement this woman? Whatever it is, we're getting tired of hearing that its next round of leaders are all women. After all, every one of them turns out to be a porn star (Stormy Daniels, Sarah Palin, and this Russian woman-- just check out that tiny photo near the top.)

Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley will battle for the love of Dylan Thomas in a new film. Winner, no matter what the historical evidence: Knightley.

A guy claims he successfully shipped himself from NYC to Vegas. We'd almost care except... he's a magician.

It always surprises us to see people driving along without a care in the world when their cars are wobbling violently from a flat tire. Turns out, they're probably wasted.

Why has it taken Congress so long to do anything to protect whistleblowers? What year did the Pentagon Papers come out again?

And the other woman in the Chris Brown-Rihanna story is revealed to be... his manager. (He may have had an affair with her at 16, Rihanna may have hit first, and a million other drops of bullshit that don't change the fact that he needs prison time.)

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While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Hates The New York Times

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

This weekend's election in Spain went well for European conservatives, who routed the socialists in this strangely-headlined story.

A rape crisis center raised a few eyebrows by featuring a nearly-naked dancer as its headliner for a fundraiser.

The Jonas Brothers didn't have the world's greatest weekend...

U2 played one of their famous rooftop gigs.

The pointless CPAC straw poll went in favor of Mitt Romney, with Jindal in second and Palin in fourth. (Remember, John McCain finished fourth last time...)

Glen Hansard wants you to hear this classic Van Morrison record.

Lily Allen hates the New York Times because the "cheap skanks" did something she didn't appreciate.

Siegfried and Roy performed a farewell show... with their tiger. Yeah, that tiger.

A woman about to marry a Royal is featured topless in an upcoming movie.

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Topless Coffee Shop Opens In Maine, Not Without Controversy, Bottoms

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 21:37:00 GMT

We only wish the baristas resembled this 80's lady, but I'm sure they're not quite so "vintage," shall we say...

After months of controversy and protests, the simple coffee shop was finally allowed to open its doors this week in Vassalboro, Maine. The two-item* establishment features topless male and female servers, who are charming and bubbly and refuse to let us photograph them for this blog.

Nonetheless, we find that we can get behind the gimmicky joint...

Despite the fact that this place is nothing more than a meat market at discount prices (as opposed to other meat markets, such as strip clubs and brothels, which would pay the staff a living wage) can be overlooked for one indisputable reason: they are worth supporting because the Puritans are against it.

They aren't against it because people are fornicating in the alleys behind the store and that the property values are going down because of all the drug sales inside. There haven't been and aren't likely to be any of that kind of behavior. This is basically a Hooters with coffee and doughnuts instead of wings and celery sticks; topless waitresses instead of tight t-shirts that leave nothing to the imagination anyway. But check out the quotes a local paper was able to round up from the naysayers:

"I definitely think it's not a good idea. I've lived in town my whole life and we've never had anything like this," Furbush said.
"I don't believe it's going to pan out, not in a small community like this," Breton said. "People move to these small towns because they don't want to deal with bars and adult video stores and a topless coffee shop. It's important for towns to have an ordinance written so things like this can't happen." [Maine Today]

Ms. Furbush-- so, you're against New England Coffee because it represents a change in style from the other establishments in town? Then why do we get the feeling you wouldn't be against a Wal-Mart coming into town? Just saying.

Ms. Breton-- first of all, if you're betting against nudity, we'll take that bet... for any amount of money you're willing to waste. Also, last time we checked (the US Census) people are generally moving away from small towns, for cities more accepting of their liberal/open-minded values. Not everyone thinks God hates their bodies, Breton.

*not those two, silly. And yes, unlike most "topless" coffeehouses in the United States, these women are actually bare-breasted.

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This Week in Gayness: The Homecoming Drag Queen

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 16:38:00 GMT

Some gay rights bloggers were concerned about the presence of Jerry Lewis on the Oscar stage.

Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Tinker v. Des Moines Independent School District Supreme Court decision, which upheld free speech rights for students. The Gay News blog looks at how much has changed since then (spoiler: nothing.)

According to the Guardian, some evangelicals appear to be growing more receptive to the gays and lesbians in their midst.

More on that Focus on the Family vs. Charlotte, North Carolina story we mentioned last week.

The Log Cabin Republicans are going after that slimy new RNC chairman. Here's hoping for a split.

George Mason University senior Ryan Allen was awarded the title of Homecoming Queen at a sold-out basketball game on Saturday, thanks to his 12-inch heels and infamous local drag queen act.

As we mentioned earlier, Sean Penn was named Best Actor and Dustin Lance Black won the Best Original Screenplay Oscar for Milk. Both made speeches related to the Prop 8 fight in California. Here's a story about Dustin's speech airing in India, where it may have been censored in a rebroadcast of the ceremony.

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Florida Pastor Wants Us to Have Sex!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:24:00 GMT

This guy is a Pastor and he believes people should have sex-- and not the unprotected, married kind of sex that may result in 14 babies. The other kind-- the kind that people actually want to have!

"You tend to hear about the 'Thou shalt nots,' " Underwood said. "We want to talk about the 'Thou shalts.'"

In a story in today's Palm Beach Post, Pastor Ray Underwood explains why he's chosen to feature sex advice in his Sunday sermons for the past several weeks (and through March 1st.) Among the choice excerpts:

"I think we should be more aggressive and upfront about talking about critical issues in people's lives. In the past, I think we were embarrassed and unsure about ourselves."
Underwood gave his first sermon, "Hot Monogamy," a PG-11 rating and suggested that parents take kids under that age to the child care center. A video projected on the church's big screen said, "so ... sex in church? Are we really going to talk about this? We need to." Though it could be kind of weird, the video warned — "like seeing a nude scene with your parents."
"We try to stay real, but this is a little more on the edge," he said. "Hopefully we won't fall off a cliff."

We personally hope you succeed, Pastor Ray, for if there's one thing religion needs, it's more sex. No, seriously-- perhaps if people were happier about their love lives, they'd leave the gays, Democrats, and other religions in peace.

And if anyone's going to make that happen, it's this guy:

Underwood often preaches in jeans, and the church's services feature video, drums and electric guitar. Though the church's style is edgy, he said, its message is more conservative.

Via the Palm Beach Post.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

While he chose to be overseas rather than attend the inauguration, Tom Cruise wants you to know he supports Obama.

Captain Sully was at the inauguration. Afterward, he took his family to a restaurant called the Hudson.

Diane Sawyer, who used to work for Nixon, really enjoyed herself at Obama's inaugural balls last night. This video clearly shows just how much she enjoyed it, if you know what we mean.

Malia and Sasha win... the Jonas Brothers!

Islamists in Malaysia want to ban Rihanna's concert there.

Strollerderby reported on the Krispy Kreme "abortion donuts" (a.k.a. doughnuts) nonsense.

Patti Lupone flipped her shit on a rude patron while singing live in Gypsy on Broadway-- now that's entertainment.

And this moron was the Mayor of a Wisconsin town... that is, until he was busted trying to pickup underage girls on the internet. Ouch.

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Nipplegate II: The Russian Skater Shocker

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:26:00 GMT

Ekaterina Rubleva, a Russian figure skater, was competing in Helsinki, Finland the other day when her single-strap dress caused a Janet Jackson moment on national television.

But unlike the Jackson/Timberlake scandal, this was an unintentional consequence of a skimpy dress. (Although, if you think about it, what the hell was Rubleva thinking wearing a dress like that while whirrling all over the ice? No wonder it slipped.) Best part of all, no one was embarrassed by this, including Finnish conservatives and Rubleva herself, who merely smiles and shakes her head when the dance is completed.

Here's a video of their routine-- key moments come around 1:45 and 4:20.

Top via this link; bottom photo via this link.

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Boy Wages Internet Campaign To Stop Cussing, With Predictably Hilarious Results

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Instead of an obvious career in modeling or as a child star, McKay Hatch, a 14-year-old boy in California, decided to start a high school group called "No Cussing." Their pledge caught on, quickly garnering over 100 students. When the internet campaign began, the whole country, including Dr. Phil and Good Morning America, took notice. Their message of clean speech eventually spread all over the world, and peaked recently at 10,000 members.

But then the rest of the internet, the pranksters and redditors and Farkers, decided Hatch's campaign needed some pizzazz...

Go fuck yourself.
What the fuck are you doing?
Bullshit.

These are just three of the many thousands of hate mail messages Hatch has received since the word got out. Pizzas will arrive at his house at all hours, the phone rings all night long with prank callers. Best yet, the porn magazines consistently fill up Hatch's mailbox.

What do you think? Is this kid asking for it-- saying some words are "wrong"-- or does he have a valid issue here?

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Australians Fight Back Against Potential Topless Sunbathing Ban

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 22:06:00 GMT

It seems that for their next act of mass censorship, the conservative movement plans to rally around is a ban on topless sunbathing. (Of course, they're only banning women from tanning without tops.) In New Zealand, young boys protest the "sick" naked breasts they've seen on beaches. In Australia, a battle has raged for days about one Christian conservative's proposal to ban women from baring their boobs at the beach...

Reverend Fred Nile, a leader of the Christian Democratic Party, angrily denounced the decades-old practice of many an Australian female, requesting a law be specifically passed that prevented the women from going topless. Immediately, the measure gained traction among other conservatives on the legislature in New South Wales, to the point where the story made front page news around the world yesterday and Australians (men, mostly) panicked. Others chastised the law in vicious blog comments, which ranged from "don't these people have anything better to legislate" to "what a bunch of sexist morons-- welcome to the Nanny State." In fact, they didn't go far enough in chastising these backwards morons, although the public uproar of the past 24 hours has quelled the argument... for now.

While leaders of the two major parties in NSW have said they would not pass such a law, they are going to leave it up to individual towns, which may not be so levelheaded. Nonetheless, we'll either protest those poor decisions or celebrate their defeat with the following photos, none of which show any onlookers to have had their eyes burned out by (an imaginary) God or little kids to be traumatized for life. It's perfectly natural-- and if men can do it, it's nothing but blatant sexism if one puts a stop to the practice...

As you can see, this is a perfectly normal, well-rounded, natural occurence. Now, should we show you topless men-- those photos might not meet the same qualifications...

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RNC Candidate Produces "Barack the Magic Negro" Song

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:02:00 GMT

If you think the historic and decisive victory of Barack Obama has dealt a death blow to this country's racial intolerance, you're going to want to see this...

Chip Saltsman, the genius who turned Mike Huckabee's win in the Iowa caucus to a triumphant defeat down the road, is running to be the head of the Republican National Committee. Since, as is the case with Sarah Palin, the vilest candidate should win here and, with the unfunny "parody" song he handed out to colleagues at Christmas and the huge uproar over the weekend, we would peg him as the new front runner for the job.

Here's a video someone made set to the song. Our second favorite, way less amusing, is here. There's nothing to say here except these people are incredibly sad... just sad...

...with caveats: 1) The video opens with Paul Shanklin, an Al Sharpton impersonator (more like "mocker"), letting everyone know this is closed captioned for the "thinking impared." Yes, that's how he spelled it. Oh, and there are no captions in the video whatsoever. 2) Even if the rest of the ignorant lyrics fail to turn you off, just keep reminding yourself that Saltsman is white and the use of the word "Negro," his defenders argue, is completely acceptable because he's "being funny." 3) The smack-yourself-in-the-forehead break in the song, which either Saltsman or Shanklin use to claim that people vote for Obama because "this is about justice"-- as if those tens of millions of votes were all because people feel sorry for the Civil Rights Era (yeah, tell that to the Jesse Jackson '84 and '88 campaigns, and to George Bush, who would be relieved to know it had nothing to do with him.

If the video gets pulled (it has been once already), please email us at scanner@nerve.com and we'll get another version up immediately.

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Muslim In Red Dress Controversy Responds

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 20:18:00 GMT

Last week, we brought you the story of Fata Lemes, a Bosnian woman living in England who is suing her former employer (a bar) for forcing her to wear a "revealing" outfit.

As we suspsected, the sensationalized Telegraph exclusive story about Lemes was, of course, sensationalized... and that Lemes would respond with the real story...

An anonymous commenter, possibly Fata herself, directed us to Fata's blog over the weekend:

The case has nothing to do with any religion.

Do you want your sisters looking like whores serving men?

Not necessarily, no, but we're not sure the dress was "whorish" either, even by the conservative movement's extreme standards. However, the problem with these kinds of cases is that one person's skank is another person's Sunday best-- and suing an employer for having a uniform that, for example, shows a slice of a person's back, is going to baffle most people.

So, Ms. Lemes, you'll forgive us for not siding with you immediately on this one-- until now, when we read your side of the story, which the Telegraph embellished beyond all recognition. Here's how Lemes's story conflicts with the original:

1) Her anger, refusal to wear the dress, and ensuing lawsuit had no connection to religion at all. She hasn't "felt religious since 1989."

2) It was not until her fourth shift that she was given an alternative uniform and asked to wear it. When she was hired, she had a simple black shirt to wear and it was accepted. If this is true, then no wonder she was offended-- that's a clear bait-and-switch reversal of the agreement she entered into with her employer and she had every right to refuse for any reason.

3) She only took action against Rocket (the bar in question) after they allegedly refused to pay her for her four shifts. Lemes insists she isn't likely to have brought suit against the establishment had the simply followed the rules and sent her a check.

You can read the rest of Fata Lemes's response on her blog, which appears to have been created specifically for this purpose.

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The Human Herp: Ken Starr Returns To Defend Marriage Against People Who Want It

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:27:00 GMT

Ken Starr serves as a shining example for all those who believe lawyers deserve their own special circle of hell: he's arrogant, blows through cash like a 93-year-old lottery winner, has no sense of justice or fairness, and is utterly oblivious to his own hypocrisy.

Take for example his latest endeavor: he currently finds himself at the center of the gay marriage battle in California, a closeted homosexual (you heard it here first!) "defending" marriage from people who actually want to have it. This guy's hypocrisy never ceases to amaze us...

From the Los Angeles Times:

Kenneth W. Starr, the former U.S. Solicitor General who led the inquiry into President Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica L. Lewinsky, will argue the case in favor of upholding a ban on gay marriage before the California Supreme Court.

Starr was today named lead counsel for the official proponents of Proposition 8. This afternoon, the group filed court briefs defending the legality of the proposition, which was approved by 52% of California voters last month throwing into question thousands of marriages performed during the five months the practice was legal in the state.
Opponents of the proposition argued that it amounted to a constitutional revision instead of a more limited amendment.

There out to be some equivalent of the "asshole tax" for guys like Ken Starr: only it should be for not knowing their history. In other words, people like Starr, who are constantly on the wrong side of history, humanity, and the Bill of Rights should be fined every time they stick their noses in everything. (Of course, that would be unconstitutional, but Starr doesn't even know what that means, so fuck him.)

Let's just make sure this is Kenny's Last Hurrah, and send him, Rick Warren, Rush Limbaugh, to whichever circle of imaginary hell they are most afraid of ending up in...

Read more at the LA Times.

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George W. Bush Attacks Our Vaginas

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:11:00 GMT

Gore Vidal predicted more than five years ago that George W. Bush would leave office the most hated President in history, and he was unfortunately right. (We would've been satisfied if Bush had simply been voted out in 2004 by any margin.) And it seems George is more than happy to accommodate this prophecy, regarding his legacy as little more than a few good days and some more money for his ultra-rich friends.

With his latest move, W. has now made it easier for you to be denied contraception...

Bush has now imposed a 127-page rule preventing any health care provider from being fired for refusing a patient medical care on religious grounds. Well, that's just great-- a rule that's supposed to let doctors and nurses avoid participating in abortions (hey, dumbass-- there's already a law for that, so that's not what this is about!) is actually a rule that will allow providers to avoid giving women access to contraceptives, ostensibly to keep them from having gay premarital ass sex... or something.

We all know what this is really about:

1) Preventing people from obtaining the pill from pharmacies

2) Preventing lesbians from conceiving

3) Preventing rape victims and others from receiving the morning after pill

4) Preventing women in danger of dying in childbirth from having abortions... and on and on and on.

If doctors are allowed to refuse to do anything "morally objectionable," does this mean a doctor could refuse to treat a gay man who has been the victim of an attack?

Barack Obama, are you reading this? What are you going to do, on your first day in office, after signing the bailout? We hope it's shooting down this order before it has time to do any real damage...

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Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 22:40:00 GMT

We're not saying she's dumb because she gave birth following a rollercoaster ride; we're not even going to call her the dumbest person of 2008 for going on a rollercoaster ride while pregnant.

Nope-- we're going to call her the dumbest person of the year for not even knowing she was pregnant... and it gets zanier right quick.

Her 22-year-old boyfriend didn't figure out she was pregnant either. Usually, when you hear about these nutso's, you learn that the mother is religious, very conservative, has not had proper sex ed classes, and ends up nearly dying in childbirth. Not so in this case-- this is a 21-year-old woman working in a bar (far different from our previous story about the conservative Muslim working as cocktail waitress, also in England), a worldly type who had a boyfriend who presumably saw her naked in her ballooned-up form, and may also have been properly educated in the birds and bees.

We also have to ask: did her water not break? What happened to her periods? Didn't the baby ever kick? Didn't anyone else look at her belly and say, "You're not fat, you're pregnant?" And worst of all, considering she was working late nights in a bar, was she boozing it up during the pregnancy? So many questions... the answers for which the silly Telegraph is not revealing. We'll have to send one of our English readers after her for comment...

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Blonde-Redhead Muslim Woman Sues Bar Over (Conservative) Red Dress

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 21:41:00 GMT

It took everything in our being not to make Fata Lemes our Crush of the Week. She is without a doubt a perfect female specimen: reddish-blond hair, beautiful, European, classy, and unwavering in her convictions.

Of course, we refrained from insulting her in this fashion because her existence came to our attention because she is suing a Mayfair, U.K. establishment for making her way a rather conservative piece of attire, which she claims insults her religion and amounts to sexual harassment. Oh, and it didn't help that the customers regularly propositioned her with money-for-sex offers, an arrangement which the management may have been in on...

Here's the dress ~~the Love Of Our Lives~~ Ms. Lemes refused to wear:

Hardly revealing... unless, of course, you're a religious person, as Ms. Lemes certainly is. Lemes is a Muslim and, oddly enough, the owners saw no warning signs ahead in hiring such a conservative person for their admittedly "upscale Hooters" joint. Now they're about to be out 20,000 pounds plus lawyer's fees, assuming Lemes wins her lawsuit against them.

She chose a loose-fitting black shirt and trousers but said that on her second shift she was approached by two customers who told her they were looking for 'a blonde Scandinavian or Swedish girl for one or more nights'.
She said: 'It was obvious that they thought that I was Scandinavian. I politely refused the offer.

'I was offended by that offer. I considered the company must be indicating to guests that the bar was the type of bar where they could make sexual offers to staff.' [We didn't realize there were bars where customers didn't make passes at staff members, but okay...]

A few days later she was ordered to wear the red dress. [Daily Mail]

What do you think?

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This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:12:00 GMT

An Iowa court has agreed to entertain challenges to the state's discriminatory gay marriage law.

Here's more info on that transgender prostitute who was beaten to death in a Memphis jail.

An 18-year-old who is transitioning from female to male has some devastating words for high schools, their students, and their administrators.

Apparently, Washington State residents are unaware of the separation of church and state-- or the fact that "religion is superstition and myth," as an infamous stolen sign indicated.

Don't forget: a Day Without A Gay is Wednesday. Read more about that here.

An art student at Brigham Young University saw his art project, which featured gay students from the school, censored and possibly even removed.

And some hope for the future:

North Carolina law does prohibit gay marriage here, but GOP attempts to enshrine it in the state constitution have so far failed.

Carrboro has had a long history of being gay-friendly. It was one of the first communities in North Carolina to offer health benefits to the same-sex partners of municipal workers. Openly gay former Mayor Mike Nelson served five terms and is now an Orange County commissioner.

So it did not really surprise many in this state when the other day the Carrboro city council has passed a resolution supporting gay marriage and sent copies of it off to the state and federal government.

Hey, every step in the right direction is deserving of applause...

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Rice University's Sex Magazine A Slap in the Face to Houston Elite

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 20:47:00 GMT

Conservatives don't want you to learn anything about sex, because that would lead to fulfilling marriages... and we all know that happy people don't listen to right-wing talk radio.

Parents of Rice University students are trying to figure out how to put a stop to a student-run magazine that openly (hence the title, seen above) discusses sex, as if twenty-one-year-olds should be allowed to talk about it, let alone have it...

Open, the Houston-based publication in question, has already received national attention for depicting nude female students in its pages. But the fact that the school hasn't been able to plug the loopholes the publishers have squeezed through hasn't stopped parents from pursuing other actions. Students aren't all filled with immature glee either:

The content of the 68-page magazine included articles, poems and short fiction with titles such as "Abstinence-Only Education Is Anything But," "Health and Body" and "Exploring Health Benefits of Sex."
The publication debuted on Rice's campus and in nearby businesses last spring to a mostly positive, albeit shocked, student reaction, Solnick said. [ABC News]

You can check out the magazine here and decide for yourself if these kids are up t'no good...

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While You Were Sleeping: Leftover Edition

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 18:14:00 GMT

More like: While You Were Eating...

Britney Spears' diet consists mainly of "Taco Bell and turkey jerky washed down with Red Bull." Now that's a Thanksgiving dinner we can get behind!

The 2009 Pretty in Mink calendar features supposed conservatives pretending to be glamorous.

Since InTouch is a waste of hopefully recyclable paper, we can't be sure if this Angelina Jolie news is true...

According to InTouch, Saint Angie told everyone the news when a waiter tried to pour her ass a booze drink at a restaurant in London. Brad Pitt gave Angie Jo the side-eye because he wasn't ready to go public with the news [that she's pregnant again.]

Enjoy the above photo of Tina Fey now... because this pic of her may traumatize you for life.

Karl Rove... closet Obama fan? By the way, the transition team has received almost 300,000 resumes so far.

And your comic relief: New Jersey police responded to an alarm at a bank after hours and, seeing what appeared to be a person inside, they evacuated nearby apartments, surrounded the bank, and began making requests through a megaphone. Later on, they realized the person was actually a cardboard cutout.

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New York Senator Insults Porn

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:27:00 GMT

While trying to make a statement about the fairness doctrine—and, really, conservative talk radio—the senior senator from New York (and king of the Sunday press conference, as we know from our New York Sun days), Chuck Schumer went and insulted the porn industry.

During an Election Day interview on Fox News, Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) took a jab at critics of the Fairness Doctrine, and suggested radio stations should be required to be "fair and balanced."

"The very same people who don't want the Fairness Doctrine want the FCC to limit pornography on the air," Schumer stated. "I am for that. I think pornography should be limited. But you can't say 'government hands off' in one area to a commercial enterprise, but 'you're allowed to intervene' in another. That's not consistent."

We beg to differ, Senator Schumer. Conservative radio is far worse than porn.

True, he might have been trying to insult conservative radio, but in doing so, he insulted porn. Comparing conservative talk radio to "Girls Gone Wild" would have been one thing, but Chuck Schumer, you owe the porn industry an apology.

[One News Now: Schumer equates conservative talk radio with porn]

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