Scanner : condoms

This Bollywood Sexpot Won't Publicly Condone Rubber-Wearing

Drew Grant — Thu, 14 May 2009 13:01:00 GMT

Look, we're not saying that women shouldn't have the right to turn down one type of public service ad when they've already stripped for PETA, but we seriously don't get Bollywood skin star Sherlyn Chopra's decision to not do a fully clothed condom commercial in India because she needs to be "prudent in (her) choice of roles." So you're willing to take off your top for animal rights, and got kicked off the Indian equivalent of Big Brother for demanding cameras in the bathroom(???), but you can't even agree to a non-nude health ad? Does not compute. Especially after a quick Google search of Chopra's name and her movie titles (Red Swastik) turns up such luscious results. Hey, it's like we always say: Hate the brain, not the booty.

Related

The Sexy Women of Bollywood

Condom Commercials Go Bollywood

This Week in Sex: We Couldn't Stuff It All In

Do You Like... Jumbo?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Since no one in their right mind watches MTV anymore, we're guessing none of you have ever seen these condom PSA's the network has been running.

Here we have the complete 3-minute rundown of all the puppet porn hilarity... never has the term "pee-pee" been used to such great effect outside of the world of six-year-old boys...

Everything Was Funnier in 1985

My New Favorite Website: Sex Advice With All the Inaccuracies of Yahoo Questions

ShamWow-SlapChop Guy Will RapChop That Ass [VIDEO]

Sloppy Seconds: Rihanna's New Tattoo

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:11:00 GMT

Say it ain't so: celebrities with ghost Twitterers? 50 Cent has one. So does Ron Paul and Barack Obama (we figured as much for Mr. President). [NYT]

But now that we think of it, Courtney Love might benefit from a ghost Twitterer. [Vulture]

Here's a condom commercial that's not even safe for YouTube, apparently. [Lifestyles]

Rihanna got a sort-of awesome gun tattoo in a sort-of awesome place. [People]

We are much less enthused about this pop-art rendering of the infamous Rihanna police photo. [Yahoo!]

Willie Aames, of "Charles in Charge" is around the corner from Scanner HQ selling, well, pretty much everything he owns after his recent home foreclosure.[Plog]

[Image]

Put a Hat on It

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 19:33:00 GMT

A big pope hat.

After the hubbub over the pope's recent assertion that condom usage would complicate the fight against AIDS in Africa, Pope condoms now exist.

That is all.

Sloppy Seconds: The Pope Spreads a Little AIDS With His Gospel

Pope Makes Insane Gay Metaphor

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Commies, Conflict & Condoms Outside Notre-Dame

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:15:00 GMT

On Tuesday in Africa, Pope Benedict reiterated the Catholic church's stance against condoms when he claimed they were complicating the fight against AIDS. (??!!) His statements were denounced from all sides in France, including by the Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner, who called them "the opposite of tolerance and understanding." Cut to Sunday Mass at Paris' Notre-Dame, where 57 percent of Parisians now disapprove of Pope Benedict. Some of those Commie types showed their displeasure. Add in counter-protesters, and injury and arrests ensued.

A "die-in" was staged (video here) in front of Notre-Dame by Act-Up and AIDS awareness protesters. Their signs depicted the pope and called him an assasin, and they threw down condoms on the square as worshippers left Sunday mass. About 20 young counter-protesters held signs reading "leave my Pope alone." The protest resulted in one injury and four arrests.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: The Pope Spreads a Little AIDS With His Gospel

HIV Outbreaks Started Much Earlier Than Previously Thought

6 Tips on Cheating And Getting Away with It

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 17:10:00 GMT

This week, the website Brobible put up a list of six rules for cheating guys to live by. Unfortunately, folks, a good many people think the way this writer does...

Nothing against monogamy, polyamory, polygamy, or whatever relationship you prefer, but this list has nothing to do with anything like that. This is more of a How to Cheat And Get Away With It has something (or everything) to offend everyone:

1. Try to date women with the same name.
2. Don't promise exclusivity with either girl.
3. Even if she is aware that you are not being monogamous, maintain a "don't ask, don't tell policy" when it comes to each other's bedroom behavior.
4. At some point, the inevitable question of "Where are we going with this?" will ultimately arise. To avoid leading anyone on, simply be upfront and state that you are not looking for a relationship. You might want to throw in, "But I'm not sure what I'll want in the future," to soften the blow.

5. Don't let either girl leave personal belongings at your place.
6. Wrap it up [use a condom.]

Except for #4, that's just the headlines... so you'll either have to read the whole thing or trust us that the rest is equally offensive. You'll note that it doesn't say women should ever try to have multiple boyfriends at the same time, while lying to them all, because that would hurt this dude's feelings.

What do you think? BroBible or... BroBile? (See what we did there? Nifty, huh?)

[Image]

Related:

Wife Catch You Online Dating? Try Ashley Madison

The New Yorker on the Joy of "The Joy of Sex"

While You Were Sleeping: Another American Cheater Unveiled

Website Tracks the Worst Personal Ads From Desperate Dudes

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Anybody Need 28 Condoms?

Colleen Kane — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 15:00:00 GMT

(Possibly in Austin?)

A lot of 28 pre-owned condoms in the package are up on the eBay auction block. How does a lot like that make it up for auction? Seller "babyatemydingo" will tell you the whole story. It's part of the auction title: "28 Trojan Ultra Ribbed Condoms AND A GOOD STORY."

And with this story, TMI has made it to eBay. Warning:it's not for the squeamish.

This auction is for twenty-eight (28) Trojan Ultra Ribbed, Lubricated condoms. "Why did you only buy a box of three?! Don't you think you're gonna get any, or what? You must have low expectations, or something." I love my wife dearly (hi, honey) and at the beginning of this story we were married for a couple of years and have two beautiful children. My wife and I decided that two children makes for a complete family-- no more kids for us. The plan was for me to get a vasectomy at some point of my choosing. . . yeah guess how that went. I was not about to volunteer to get into some stirrups while some guy stares at my butthole and snips and tugs at my kiwis. So we (I, really) chose to go with condoms. One night I realize I was out of rubbers and needed to go pick some up. Waiting for me at the store were so many choices, brands, colors, and the thought of my naked wife waiting for me just made me default on the easiest choice. The choice I had gone with all of my sexual career. Like a monosyllabic caveman, I pointed to the yellow box of threes and said, "Those". I went with what I knew. Cut to my wife and the quote at the start of the story. Like my choice reflected somehow on her sexual attractiveness (I don't know why a box of three offended her, I really don't). So when the time came to buy more condoms, I knew what I had to do--avoid conflict with the wife. That was all I had to do (in fact that's all I ever try to do). So off to the store I went again. This time I got the largest box of ol' yellows I could get my hands on: a box of 36. Surely this would make my wife 12 times as happy as my previous purchase, or at least one twelfth as mad. . . . Fast-forward to the part where I am just sick of using the damn condoms. I plead, "Can we go bareback? I'll pull out. Promise." Guess where that got me. So I finally say to hell with it and make an appointment for a vasectomy. Which, by the way isn't as painful as you hear. Pain is not the problem. It's the sound. First you feel the pinch of the needle which isn't bad but you know how when you go to the dentist, they shoot you up and then walk out while you get numb? That doesn't happen with a vasectomy. As fast as you read this, it goes pinch from the needle. . .1 . . .2. . . snip! Minimal waiting. Like cutting through wet cardboard with sharp scissors. You know what he just did, you can't lie to yourself, you know what that sound was. You. Know. What. He. Just. Did. Then there's the smell of cauterized flesh. . . but I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, a partial box of condoms never to be used again. Maybe if we need to count large quantities of money. . .water balloons. . . nah. My wife nags me to sell them. I ignore her. Time passes and she keeps nagging me to sell them. I ignore her. She withholds sex until I sell them. Hello e-bay!! So these condoms expire in August of 2012. So come and get 'em (or is it the other way around?). P.S. Fearless, condomless sex is the best (hi, honey. Get ready.).

The auction ends Friday, and so far only $3 with 0 bids, plus $4 for shipping in "discreet packaging."

Related:

Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

Thirtysomething is the New Stupidsomething

Condoms: Saving Lives 18,500 at a Time

Sloppy Seconds: The Pope Spreads a Little AIDS With His Gospel

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 22:38:00 GMT

Fifty-seven-year-old Ralph Reese was fired from his job as a clerk at Whole Foods after he took a tuna sandwich out of a trash can at the end of his shift, this violated the company's policy that food cannot be takine without being paid for. [CityRoom]

"Not an Onion headline: Gwyneth Paltrow's Bikini Waxer to Pen Book About 'Being Sexy'" [LustyLady]

Taylor Swift still does not want to talk about sex. [People]

What kind of douchebag puts fake money in a stripper's underwear? This kind. [AP]

At a SXSWi panel today, a blogger for PETA asked the icanhazcheeseburger guy how he could make the PETA blog funny. Pamela Anderson's lettuce bikini is a good start, no? [Inquisitr]

Pope Benedict “What Holocaust?” XVI is at it again, this time claiming that condoms are not the answer to the AIDS crisis in Africa. The pontiff, speaking to journalists on his flight, said the condition was "a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems". Whaaaaaat? [Guardian]

[Image via PETA]

Found on the Road: Four-Flavored Condom?

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 15:28:00 GMT

I've been pretty much living in Planes, Trains and Automobiles for the past 36 or so hours. After waiting eleven hours in an airport yesterday, I rode a Greyhound for four hours to quite possibly also spend today in another airport. Anyway, one great thing about a bus ride? Truck stops! I love shopping at truck stops. And yesterday, while squatting over a disgusting toilet, I looked up to find the condom machine. Four flavored condoms for 75-cents? What a deal! I knew it was finally time to pop my condom-machine cherry. Unfortunately, it turns out it wasn't such a good deal after all.

Either it is one four-flavored condom (WTF?) or, more likely, it is one of four flavors. Will it be banana? Chocolate? Strawberry? Or mint (marijuana??)?

Only you can tell. FInish this sentence:

If I had a ____-flavored condom I'd ______________________ Fox News.

and send it to scanner@nerve.com. The best answer will be posted here and the winner will receive this mystery condom via the USPS. The Springfield, MO airport may not have fresh coffee or hot food but it has to have a post office. Right?

More goodies from my travels coming next week.

(For the very interested among you, I'm Tiwttering my misadventures. The less sleep I get—I'm working on four hours in three days—the better my Twats, it seems.)

Related:

Thirtysomething is the New Stupidsomething

Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

Condoms: Saving Lives 18,500 at a Time

Schoolgirl's Double Life as High-Payin' Ho Betrayed By Bag of Condoms

College Sex Magazines Making Their Way Through Connecticut, Too

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 14:45:00 GMT

Wesleyan University-- notable for its beautiful campus, inspiring teaching staff, and carefully-cultivated crop of the generation's next leaders-- is about to be known mainly for having a sexy sex magazine filled with nude students and tips on buying condoms, among other "controversies."

The Hartford Courant looked at Unlocked's contents and came away with this impression:

Unlocked features photographs of naked and partly clothed Wesleyan students, campus sex polls, tutorials, articles, interviews with sex workers and counselors, and guides to condoms and sex shops.

Wesleyan students and faculty members have strained and broken sexual barriers before, with a course on pornography, student-hosted "moaning" sessions, a "gender blind" dormitory and a "queer prom," among other initiatives. [Courant.com]

We've located an original ad, which really makes us want to check this out. They seem to actually, honestly want "all shapes and sizes" (unlike Craig's List ads, which claim to want that, but end up only choosing too-skinny female models.)

WE WANT YOU
Thats right folks, Unlocked (the Wesleyan Sex magazine) is looking for models. We're looking for every possible gender, body type and sexual expression. Photo shoots may be explicitly sexual, rabidly political, or just fun and hilarious. Do it alone. Do it with a friend. Do it with a fuck buddy. Do it with your future partner for life. All you need is a sense of humor and a willingness to do something a little wild, and if you're not comfortable with what we propose, you can tell us to go fuck off.

If you're interested, email unlockedmag@gmail and yes, you can be totally anonymous if you'd like. [Wesleying]

Ben Kuller and Yannick Bindert, both of next year's graduating class, thought Wesleyan was "due for a good dose of artistic sexual expression in the print format." Hear, hear.

Their next issue will be out sometime this spring and we'll try to obtain a full-color copy. Via The Hartford Courant.

Rice University's Sex Magazine A Slap in the Face to Houston Elite

Heading to College? Hope It's Not to One of These Educational Wastelands

Expose The Cover Up-- This Saturday At The National Go Topless Day

Ask Andy: Birth Control

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 20:29:00 GMT

We here at Scanner are in no way medical professionals. So why in the world would we seek medical advice from others who are? Instead, we like to ask our friends what's up. That's right, we asked a boy who has no medical training whatsoever to break down female birth control for us, because that's how we roll. Okay, really, we are always interested in getting different perspectives on things and when Andy started opining about birth control one night, we thought it would make for an interesting post. But you know, before taking any of this advice in pill or shot or patch or plastic form, consult a medical professional first, please and thank you.

Hello Readers. While I'm new to this blogging thing, I've had a slew of relationships, and like most people I hate condoms and eschew them whenever I get into a long-term relationship. Needless to say, I've learned a bit about birth control in my 31 years. And over a beer, while helping Scanner Emily pack up her shit for a long move (and somewhat relentlessly hitting on her [Ed note: I liked it]), I got into a discussion about my own preferences in birth control devices. Out of said conversation came the idea to post these preferences, just to see if any of you agree or disagree. I preface these by saying that if you aren't in a mutually exclusive thang, and you aren't wearing a condom when you have sex with any one of your anonymous partners, well that's just fucking retarded. But if you are, read on.

The Pill
First, which pill? There seem to be a million now, with cute names like Yazz and shit like that. But my experience has been uniform with the pill, which is to say I've learned to expect the unexpected. Some women are entirely unaffected; some turn into a post-apocalyptic fascist state. And speaking of Yazz and mood alterations, don't trust commercials, ever. The good folks at Bayer and their DTC (direct to consumer) marketers have made a point of suggesting that their pill reduces PMS symptoms (remember the conservatively dressed, thin women kicking words like "irritability" while listening to a vomitously chick-pop version of Quiet Riot's "We're Not Gonna Take It?"). Well, the FDA made them pull the ads for BLATANTLY LYING TO AMERICA. The drug was approved for mildly alleviating some symptoms associated with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), classified as a psychological disorder whose side effects include "severe depression" and "extreme, persistent anger." PMDD is a serious condition affecting only 2-10% of menstruating women; PMS is very, very common. My friends think I get it sometimes, and I have a penis. Anyhow, by the time the ad was pulled, millions of women had already seen it and gone to their doctor thinking that Yazz would get rid of their PMS. Hell, I tried to get a prescription for it; those chicks in the commercial looked so empowered, kicking things in pant suits.

So be careful; the truth of the matter is, PMS is a fact of life for many women, and nothing to be ashamed of or try to hide from. In my house growing up, it meant that for two days a month I was to bring my mother and sister a box of chocolate, head to my bedroom, and shut the fuck up. And I was a kid; if I can figure that shit out at age 8, the men in your life can certainly do the same. So according to me and the FDA, don't take birth control pills to alleviate the symptoms of PMS; in my experience you're replacing one hormonally charged mood swing with another. Instead, take birth control pills because you want to have unprotected sex all the time (in a monogamous relationship), occasionally in weird positions, with a guy whose penis you enjoy. That said, from our side, the pill is easy. You're the one who has to take it, and remember to take it. We rarely see you take it, and being men, are not going to remind you to take it, and so it requires a significant amount of responsibility on your part, and trust on ours. This can create the kind of Oedipal relationship the Freudians would have a field day with.

The Diaphragm
No hormones involved, I can understand how women would certainly want that. However, this stupid little rubber thing ruined my last long term relationship, and has for countless others completely removed all spontenaiety from the sexual act. No more pulling over on the side of a highway in the afternoon to nail each other by a road median; no more throwing each other into stairwells during parties, or quickies in restaurant bathroom stalls. Even in the comforts of your own bedroom, sex suddenly requires forethought, and putting something obtrusive and jelly filled inside you. Yeah, yeah, a real loving relationship is about more than sex, right. But if you can't accept that sex is a big part of it, then why are you going on birth control in the first place?

Wow, that was cathartic. Moving on...

The Nuva Ring
This thing is wonderful; that is, until you need to use your vagina. The "small, unobtrusive plastic ring" is indeed obtrusive; when I'm inside a vagina, I like to be the only one inside it. Two's a crowd. Still, it makes for an interesting game of "Operation," trying to hook your finger or tongue around the thing and pull it out without taking her out of the moment. If accomplished, it can be removed for upwards of 3 hours, no harm done. So you have plenty of time to get back into it, if your skills at Operaton are not quite acute.

Depo-Provera
This is the creepiest form of birth control ever. My college girlfriend used it. Psychologically, I didn't notice any changes, but then again, she was always batshit crazy anyway. Physiolgically, you get a shot, once every three months, and then your body literally stops menstruating. The lining of your uterus becomes an unfriendly place for egg cells, your cervical mucus thickens (which is a strange phenomenon for those of us who enjoy going down on a woman first thing in the morning), you lose bone density, and overall, your body simply stops having a period. If you can deal with that, I say go for it; it is by far the most convenient form for women who, like me, are prone to forgetting things. But if you hate needles, or you see something weirdly unnatural about not menstruating anymore, well, I'd say go with something else.

The Patch
You put a patch somewhere on your body, and it delivers your hormones for you throughout the month. The hormone level is slightly below that of the pill, but higher than the Nuva Ring, so you get somewhere in between on the emotional effects. It also looks like you're trying to quit smoking if you go to the beach, but hey, that's noble enough these days. And one time it got caught in the bed sheets and tore off, which ruined a perfectly good moment. But apart from those small issues, I'd say this one is the winner.

Please feel free to respond with any of your own birth control tales, or to mention any of the ones I might have missed. For example, I didn't mention the IUD—never had a girlfriend who used one, and honestly, I don't really have an opinion about it. —Andy

Fox News Wants You To Have Sex... Greener Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 22:34:00 GMT

We're often discussing ways to reconcile our need for unrestrained, raunchy sex with our boring ol' environmentalism. Sometimes we've even gotten specific about ways our love lives have evolved in a more socially-conscious era. But we not as specific as the recent Fox News piece "11 Ways to Make Your Sex Life 'Greener.'"

Wait, Fox News is leading the eco-friendly sexual revolution? Now, this we gotta see...

Here are the 11 Ways, according to FNC Sexpert Yvonne K. Fulbright, a smarty-pants name if we've ever heard it (just kidding-- it's impossible to successfully mock a pompous byline when your own last name is Fairbanks.)

1. Organic Lubricants 2. Bamboo Sheets 3. Eco-Lingerie 4. Environmentally Friendly Condoms 5. Sustainable Wooden Paddles 6. Phthalate-Free Vibrators 7. Certified Fair Trade Chocolate 8. Local Flowers 9. Sex Kits 10. Organic Wine 11. DivaCup

Nothing extraordinary, but perhaps more comprehensive than many similar lists we've personally created on Scanner. But one thing stuck with us-- this seemed all too familiar. Look at a post on the TakePart blog:

1) Sustainably Sexy Lingerie 2) Vegan Condoms 3) Natural Lubricants 4) Spank Me! 5) Organic Massage Oils 6) Solar Vibrator 7) Twisted Monk Bondage Starter Kit 8) Smart Balls 9) Fun in the Tub 10) Fair Trade Aphrodisiacs

No one's accusing Fox of plagairzing our friends at the socially-conscious TakePart, but why would we listen to Fox News, a network that tells us sex is a shameful practice yet has no problem milking stories about it for monetary gain? Why would we listen to a conservative "news" source, a proudly "red state" institution after it was revealed that people in states that heavily regulate sexual activity spend more money on porn than those in more liberal areas?

Perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves. But the point is-- why would anyone care what Fox News thinks is greener sex when we have a liberal list that includes gems like this:

Have you been a baaaad environmentalist? Forget to recycle that take-out container last night? Bend over and take your punishment like a good little greenie with this classic wooden paddle made with materials from a sustainable source by a fair trade project in India.

Suck my Smart Balls, Murdoch.

We'll spare you our revolutionary #12 idea, which has something to do with the "WTF?!" photo seen here...

Top image via. The TakePart blog post is here; Fox's is here.

Related:

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Calling All Vintage Vibrators

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

Some of Our Lovers Could've Done Used the Love Trainer Device...

Schoolgirl's Double Life as High-Payin' Ho Betrayed By Bag of Condoms

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:39:00 GMT

A 15-year-old British girl was tried today for prostitution, after a teacher discovered her double life by looking in her backpack. In the girl's school bag were condoms, lube, the number of her pimp and the escort agency she worked through.

When police raided her home, they found more than $11,000 stashed away. The girl has not been charged, but the found money has been siezed.

But before she was caught, the young hooker had quite a racket going on for about two months.

She kept up with her studies, said the Daily Mail, and earned around $2500 each weekend, which if kept up, would have worked out to nearly $150K per year. (What was that sound, you ask? Never mind, just shooting self for choosing such an unprofitable profession.)

Related:

Will the Spitzer Scandal Change the Way We Think About Prostitution?

Prostitution 101: Class Trip to the Chicken Ranch

ABC's Prostitution Special Saddens Us, Annoys Former Sex Workers

Sex Ed is Rotten in the State of Texas

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 21:03:00 GMT

A report came out today evaluating sex education in Texas, where teaching abstinence is the norm, and the findings are not promising.

After two years of studying instructional materials from 990 school districts, the watchdog group Texas Freedom Network determined that abstinence-only is taught in 94 percent of Texas schools, and that schools use shame, shame's bff religion, and scare tactics to discourage students from having sex, and some schools are reinforcing negative gender stereotypes.

Furthermore, 41 percent of materials used for teaching about condoms and prevention of STDs in Texas schools contain factual errors. One school district is teaching eighth graders that when used properly, condoms are only 80 percent effective in preventing pregancy. The actual effective rate is more like 97-98 percent.

"Most examples share a common purpose and likely effect -- discouraging young people from using condoms," says the report.

Some of their findings are outright baffling. One abstinence-only source, Wonderful Days, used in three districts contains this quotation: "If a woman is dry, the sperm will die, if a woman is wet, a baby she may get!"

Holy moly. The full report and executive summary are available on the Texas Freedom Network website.

Related:

Abstinence-Only Education Doesn't Work

Michigan Backs Teen Pregnancy and the Spread of STDs with $1.4M Grant

Abstinence-Only Tip Of The Week: A cup of Bleach A Day Keeps The AIDS Away

Sexytime Shopping List

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:18:00 GMT

Whenever I start seeing someone new one of the first things I notice is how ill equipped my medicine cabinet has gotten during the proceeding dry spell. For example, let's say I bring a dashing bearded man back to my apartment, and excuse myself momentarily to freshen up only to realize that I used the last of the Listerine before the date. Or what about those nasty razor bumps that pop up after all of that dry humping—because of course you will shave your legs and bikini line before the date, which only makes you realize you've been using the same dull razor blade for a month-and-a-half because (shit!) it was the last one in the pack. My list after the jump.

New Toothbrush
This is good for a few reasons. First of all you don't really want him to open your medicine cabinet only to see your frayed, lipstick colored toothbrush, splayed out on the less-than-clean shelf. Second, if he stays the night and has to go to work the next day, you either have a new clean toothbrush you can let him use, or (worst case scenario) you can say "Gee, I only have this one" and hand off the lipstick stained one. Also, doesn't it just make your mouth feel all clean and fresh when you use a brand new toothbrush? Plus, it's probably just time you get a new toothbrush, right?

A New Tube of Toothpaste
I generally use Tom's of Maine baking soda toothpaste, but when I know there's lots of making out in my future, I switch to the strong stuff, chemicals be damned.

Listerine
Because you and I both know you need to rinse out that dirty mouth of yours before and after sex.

Tend Skin
Ladies, if you've never heard of this product, you will thank me later. This magic potion will make your razor bumps disappear, like, pronto. It's a little pricey, but totally worth the cost. And as previously mentioned, razor burn is easily exacerbated with new forms of friction. (The tiniest dab of this on the end of a cotton swab will dry up a pimple in no time, too. But seriously, just a dab right on the spot unless you want your face to flake off all over your date.)

Bikini Razors
These tiny little razors are great for those hard-to-reach places you'd never take your Intuition (but don't forget the Tend Skin after you reach those places).

Personal Cleansing Cloths
Or as I like to call them, ass wipes. Keep a pack in your purse and a pack in the bathroom. You'll thank me later.

New Razors or Razor Blades
Natch.

Mascara
Something about a new tube of black mascara always makes me feel extra vampy.

Condoms
Duh. Is your stash old? Then get new ones. And get a lot of them because if the rest of what's on the list does what it's supposed to, you'll be flying through them.

What's on your list?

Related:

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Holiday Shopping Tips From A Stripper

While You Were Sleeping: Your Shopping Bag Is Sexist, Dude

Dirty, Sexy Shopping

Britain's Sexual Hazing Rituals Apparently News to Some People...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

The most shocking part of this story is that parents and administrators still find it "shocking" that hazings are happening all over campus...

According to the Sun, ahead of the curve on hot button issues like Craiglist sex and vicars with potatoes up their bungholes, breaks this incredible news story over the weekend:

Education chiefs were “horrified” as girls were snapped on their hands and knees using their mouths to roll condoms on bananas hanging from boys’ trousers.
The girls belong to the Newnham Nuns — a drinking society at the all-female Newnham College.

Stop right there. There are drinking societies... at college? Why... why did we not attend Newnham College?!

[S]naps, taken last year, show an undergraduate proudly holding jugs filled with his own VOMIT while two toffs are seen frolicking with midgets dressed as Oompa-Loompas from the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory film. [Emphasis added by the Sun.]
Other traditional booze society ceremonies include drinking a pint of water containing a live goldfish, downing gin and port filtered through a condom and staging a mass brawl.
Hospital consultant Adrian Boyle said: “In the last ten years the number of female students coming in extremely drunk and incapable has shot up. More are being assaulted too.”

Thank you, "hospital consultant" Boyle, for playing the part of Captain Obvious today. Then again, if parents are "shocked" that gals such as the one pictured above are involved in "drinking" and "playful hazing," maybe we needed to hear from you after all...

Via the Sun.

The Best Sendup of Facebook Yet

25-Year-Old Virgin Takes Us One Step Closer to Crazy Cat Lady Status

Repeat Teen Abortions on the Rise, Birth Control Still Despised By Right-Wingers

While You Were Sleeping: Sean Penn's Pick For Best Actor

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

One of the married Bee Gee's fathered a child with his housekeeper.

Claire Danes is engaged to-- surprise-- one of her ol' co-stars.

Helicopter girl turns out to be a porn star. This would be a post in itself if TMZ hadn't edited out or censored all the good parts.

Italy now has its own Terri Schiavo case. Hopefully, it, too, will spell the beginning of the end of a right-wing dictator-type's stranglehold on a country; in this case, Berlusconi's.

My thirteen-year-old inner self cries at the news of Kristy Swanson's wedding.

Psychologist sex-- it's all the rage.

A relationship with Anne Hathaway seems more appealing by the day...

Being fans of the four-hour Che, we'll side with Sean Penn on this one: he should be up against Benicio del Toro.

Seriously, how did this 70-year-old woman know burglars had sex in her house? Did they leave Polaroids? Condoms? A sex tape? We want to know, damn it.

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Sloppy Seconds: Barack Obama Drops the F-Bomb

Emily Farris — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Christian Bale is really sorry for his "inexcusable" tirade on the Terminator Salvation set. [People]

Bob Guccione, Jr. thinks there's no danger in porn any more ("It's such a drag now to get sent a link of people eating each other."). But he thinks we can get that danger and erotocism back through art! [BigThink]

We generally don't like celebrity memoirs, but we'll probably read Patrick Swayze's just because we want to hear the story about how Johnny and Baby didn't really like each other off camera. [Yahoo!]

Bret Michaels would totally put a baby in Jennifer Aniston. [Us]

Apparently Eliot Spitzer's sexy time with prostitutes wasn't so sexy after all. In fact, he sounds like he was an asshole in the sack. According to Kristin Davis he...

• was "good for a call at least once a week" from 2004 to 2006
• meant "thousands of dollars of steady income for me and my ladies"
• "was getting rough and too aggressive with the girls — repeatedly pressuring them to do things they didn't want to do"
• "tended to obsess about a girl, would want to see her every day and was pushy and whiny with her"
• "didn't want to use a condom, and "he'd be a real weasel about it, too" [DailyIntel]

Want to hear Barack Obama say "ignorant mother fuckers?" Then click here. Context here.

[Image]

Condom Commercials Getting Even Randier On YouTube

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 16:35:00 GMT

AIDS Map recommends you use extra-strength condoms, such as Durex Ultra Strong, when engaging in anal sex. Which is great news for you, since you'll want to have a lot of butt sex after watching the company's latest NSFW YouTube ad.

Video of the Day: Durex Bunnies Keep Going and Going and Going

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 19:39:00 GMT

Though the sound effects on this hilarious new Durex ad give us the heebie jeebies—just a little bit—we've already watched it like ten times. Your turn.

See the out-takes at the designer's site.

[Via BoingBoing]

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Measure Up with Condomcentric

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 15:17:00 GMT

Although none will ever admit it, most guys wonder (and have no reasonable estimate) of how big their dicks are.

After the jump, the full photo of the stocking stuffer that time hasn't forgot...

Of course, Condomcentric answers only one of those questions, and, of course, men will claim it's shaved an inch or two off thanks to a design flaw... or some other nonsense. We're going to try it tonight, just to make sure we're really 14" in a flaccid state...

Order yours here-- "available in inches ('hope they've got a lot of those!') and centimeters (ouch.)"

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Protect Yourself From the Cold With Condom Ice Cream

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 21:49:00 GMT

Not ice cream-flavored condoms, which would be bizarre enough. No, condom ice cream.

Let's look at the photo evidence...

Yes, you'll need scissors, a razor blade, and/or the teeth of Jaws to get the damn ice cream out of this Korean treat. We have no further information at this time and in no way request it. Barf-o-rama.

From various sources, including Flickr.

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Today in Old People Are Still Dating: Old People Are Still Dating

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:51:00 GMT

We're glad to know that old people are still dating and having sex—we really are—but we wonder why the subject continues to be newsworthy.

Is the intent of the authors to make us more comfortable with the fact that seniors still have sex? Maybe some of us would like to not think about Grandma getting it on. Perhaps we assume that once Grandpa kicks the bucket, Gamma devotes her life to church and biscuits, and maybe she does. But she doesn't have to.

If the articles are supposed to encourage the old people who aren't getting it on to actually go out and get it on, we're all for it. But we think the pieces should be more servicey, like: "Online Dating for Seniors: Adult Friend Finder is Not Your Friend," "Vibrators That Won't Give You a Heart Attack" or the all-important "Yes, Vagina, Seniors Can Still Get HIV." However, if we can keep getting quotes like this, we say keep the stories coming:

"For women, it's difficult because the competition is very high," Laumann said. Because the death rate is higher for males, he noted, it is more common that a woman is single after 60.

"Men who are presentable may have women chasing after them with pot pies" at that age, Laumann said and laughed.

Make it a casserole and that will be us in 45 years.

[Daily Iowan: Entering the swinging 60s, senior citizens dating]

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[Image]

Hey Ladies: This Is Why You Aren't Enjoying Sex...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 15:45:00 GMT

...and, no, there aren't pics of big dicks after the jump...

According to a new survey released by the Kinsey Institute (yep, those pervs are still around), women who used hormonal contraceptives had the lowest overall sexual satisfaction score, while those who used both condoms and hormonal methods actually reported the highest levels of satisfaction.

Does that surprise you? Here's the full report:

If you've never had an STD: you're much more likely to be using a contraceptive method that has decreased your sexual enjoyment. [Scanner reminds you not to have unprotected sex.]

If you use hormonal contraceptives only: you are highly unlikely to report decreased pleasure, but your sex life is sorely lacking...

If you use both condoms and hormonal contraceptives: you are somewhat more likely to have explosive orgasms from intercourse, your overall sex life is probably much better. Then again, it's not just guys who complain about condoms: if you use rubbers (or rubbers and hormonal helpers), you are " six to seven times more likely to report decreased sexual enjoyment compared to those who used hormonal methods only."

These are strange but interesting findings (what do you except from Kinsey?) What can we make of them?

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The 15 Most Promiscuous Countries

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 15:18:00 GMT

USA! USA! USA!

Not this time... and that's a welcome change. After all, aren't you beyond bored with the perennial sex surveys that trash our Puritan nation's filthy, condom-buying pervs? Not this time: suck it, Australia, Germany, and the rest!

But not literally, of course, since we're prudes compared to you guys...

Here are the Top 15, according to research published in this week's New Scientist by a professor at Bradley University:

1. United Kingdom

2. Germany

3. Netherlands

4. Czech Republic

5. Australia

6. USA

7. France

8. Turkey

9. Mexico

10. Canada

11. Italy

12. Poland

13. Spain

14. Greece

15. Portugal

The survey queried 14,000 people in 48 countries on their life's worth of sex partners and one night stands, plus a respondent's general attitude toward casual sex and getting it on in general. Particularly interesting is this excerpt from a story about this story in the Times:

The high scores in many Baltic and eastern European states might be linked, Schmitt said, to the fact that women outnumber men and so are under more pressure to conform to what men want in order to find a mate. In Asian countries, by contrast, men tend to outnumber women slightly, so it is men who have to conform.

That doesn't sound very scientific to us, but we'll take it...

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Do You Want To Watch Weird Swedes Put On Condoms?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 16:14:00 GMT

Full-blown sexual mania has descended over the great country of Sweden, and with it, those who fear honesty and openness in our society have swooped in to muck things up for the rest of us.

According to The Local, our favorite daily news source in the entire world (since it's chock full of sex-- even more obsessed with it than The Sun), a public transit ad asking "Do you want to see us put on a condom?" has been banned because it made whiny old geezers uncomfortable. Or something. The ad

is part of a campaign for UMO.se, a new web-based helpline for young people.

[It] features two young men and provides a text messaging code which allows people to download a short film featuring a tongue in cheek demonstration of how to put on a condom.

According to Västtrafik, the ad has been banned because it could be considered offensive, reports the newspaper Metro.

Wait, because it could be considered offensive? No one actually complained? It was just you, wasn't it, Vasttrafik, you closeted virgin. Or maybe... closeted homosexual. After all, the ad featured two men (see above/top right photo) and not the now-approved followup ad, featuring only a female, who asks, "Do you want to see me do something I like?"

Yes, but it also involves a condom...

Via The Local.

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Emily Farris — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 20:51:00 GMT

Give the gift of condoms this holiday season—to your mom. Okay, maybe not to your mom, unless you're a teenager (in which case, turn off your computer and go watch "Saved by the Bell" right now!), but maybe you should give your older, divorced sister some condoms. Because according to a new study out of the UK, people in their 30's and 40's are much less likely than teenagers to use condoms when having sex with someone new.

While 68 percent of 16- to 19-year-olds said they used protection for the first sexual encounter with a new partner, just 38 percent of men and 29 percent of women aged 35 to 44 reported doing so, Dr. Catherine H. Mercer of University College London and her colleagues found.

"Increasing rates of STIs diagnosed among those in their 30s and 40s suggest that interventions that promote consistent condom use with new partners are urgently required, not just for young people as has been the focus recently, but for people in their 30s and 40s and older who are increasingly forming new partnerships," Mercer and her team write in the International Journal of Epidemiology.

The researchers surveyed 11,161 men and women 16 to 44 years old. Each person was interviewed face-to-face, and then answered more sensitive questions about sexual issues using a computer-assisted self-interview. Study participants reported the number of sexual partners they'd had, and also gave detailed information on the nature of their last three relationships.

The survey turned up 15,488 heterosexual partnerships reported by 9,598 people. For men, 39 percent of these partnerships were casual (defined as "not (yet) regular"), while 20 percent of women's were. Overall, 37 percent of men and 29 percent of women said they used a condom the last time they had sex.

When having sex for the first time with a partner, 55 percent of participants used a condom. Couples with an age difference of five years or greater were less likely to use condoms when they had sex the first time. And 23 percent of men said that they'd had sex within 24 hours of meeting their current partner, compared to about 11 percent of women.

The high rate of unprotected sex they identified, especially in casual partnerships is "worrisome," the researchers say. They conclude: "Condom use with new partners needs to be promoted among all age groups."

[Reuters: Older people more likely to have unprotected sex]

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What's Cuter than Old People Writing About Young Peoples' Sex Lives? Nothing!

When Are You Too Old And Senile To Have Sex?

Yes, We'd Like A Lifetime Supply of Pronto Condoms, Please

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 14:54:00 GMT

This post is about to change your (sex) life...

Are you, like us Scanner bloggers, not so secretly bitter about how much condoms ruin the mood, with their thin and therefore dangerous packaging, painful and epic unrolling process, and so on? Then prepare to have your mind and your wad blown...

Our first reaction: fake! Second reaction: That must rip 4 out of 5 times. And a YouTube commenter, who is either speaking from experience or a troll for Trojan and other panic-stricken condom makers, warns us that that our fears are not unfounded:

Inginitto (1 month ago)

where can i order those online?

weissgyz (1 month ago)

Don't order them, they rip so easy.

Well, maybe the revolution hasn't arrived after all. In any case, these are only available in South Africa, so no use in getting all hot and bothered about them anyway... (Disclaimer: By the way, please continue to practice safe sex even if you think someone should invent a perfected model of rubber ASAP.)

Via Pronto Condoms.

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Yes, Virginia. You can have your own face in your vagina. And the FDA approves it!

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 18:34:00 GMT

Welcome to the future, ladies. It is now possible to have your own face inside your own vagina. And it's FDA approved.

Lubricated Latex Condoms FDA Approved with your personal message - Customize your own condoms with your name, picture or whatever floats your dingy. There are no set up fees and no ink color charges for short runs up to 500 pieces. Select the quantity of custom printed condoms needed and email us your art file or ideas to custom@ripnroll.com

We don't really want Joe's face in our vagina. But maybe Ryan Gosling's? Would it be weird to have our own face printed on condoms? Maybe. FDA approved? Absolutely.

Either way, everyone we know is getting a Scanner Emily condom this Christmas.

[Ripnroll: MyFace Condoms]

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Even Sex Fairs Are Weirder In China

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:08:00 GMT

Over the past few days, China held one of its "wildest" sex fairs, the Guangzhou Sex Culture Festival highlighted cultural artifacts like "condoms" and "sex toys" to the bafflement of many attendees...

Seriously, it sounds like your typical sexfest, except for a choice word that threw us for a loop:

This year's festival features activities ranging from talks on birth control such as condoms to sex toys, a photo show on sexual health and eugenics, forums on sexology, quizzes and lingerie shows.

Ahead of the festival, sexologists gave a series of lectures to middle school and college students, as well as migrant workers. The goal was to improve sexual knowledge and awareness of safe sex, said Zhang Feng, chief of the Guangdong Provincial Commission of Population and Birth Control.

By the way:

eugenics
–noun (used with a singular verb) the study of or belief in the possibility of improving the qualities of the human species or a human population, esp. by such means as discouraging reproduction by persons having genetic defects or presumed to have inheritable undesirable traits (negative eugenics) or encouraging reproduction by persons presumed to have inheritable desirable traits (positive eugenics).

We were a bit disturbed by the inclusion of eugenics, but what should we have expected, seeing that this is China we're talking about?

A six-month survey of 65 such workers found 45 unmarried people aged 18 to 25 had premarital sex. The study also found that the migrants changed sex partners more frequent than local urbanites, said Zheng Lixin, deputy head of the Guangdong Provincial Institute of Birth Control Science and Technology.

"Migrants showed greater tolerance toward sex and were more liberal with sex partners," Zheng said.

Isn't it the same in the US? The unwashed masses are the liberals, with their babymaking and welfare moms, and the pristine conservatives having exactly 2.5 children and waiting until their affairs to have intercourse?

Promiscuity among migrants, which had caused sexual and reproduction problems, was endangering the reproductive health of this group of people, warned Zheng, who didn't elaborate.

Yes, because promiscuity among the upper classes never cause sexual and reproduction problems. Keep on keepin' on, China....

Via China Daily.

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