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While You Were Sleeping: Fake Boobs, Fake ID

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The continued success of National Public Radio proves that there are at least a handful of people out there still interested in brain stimulation.

Margaret Cho on Margaret Cho and her Cho Show.

Condoleeza Rice started to climb out of her shell on Leno, discussing Led Zeppelin and Obama...

The worst story of the month: a man claims his mother died when a police officer stalled the man's hospital trip to write a ticket.

Thanks to Behrooz for reminding us about the woman who used a fake ID to pay for fake boobs. Not much can be said about that.

Is this the best Mike Huckabee quote ever? "When it abolished slavery, the U.S. debated and decided it was immoral for one person to have complete, life-or-death power over another." Obviously, Huckabee is against the death penalty... right?

A Congressional candidate announced via Twitter.

We understand why it's on the market, but we're still uncomfortable with it.

Jennifer Hudson will have her revenge on American Idol.

And there's no story to go with the above photo. We just assumed you would appreciate it.

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While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 21:29:00 GMT

We've just been through one of the greatest days in our nation's history, a bold about-face from our racist past. We would feel this way regardless of whether Barack Obama or Condoleezza Rice had taken the oath of office.

But that wakeup call isn't going to make us act any less immature in these pages...

Fleshbot, thankfully, isn't wasting any time with deep brooding and philsophical blog musings. Nope, they headed straight back into gratuitous nipple shots and utter pornographic silliness. Apparently, there are fetishes for everything, even farting. Therefore, the unwritten law states, there must be... fart porn.

Luckily, most of us will laugh and not be entirely grossed out while experiencing this bizarre video, which YouTube has been too busy with other problems, such as HBO copyright claims, to take down for vulgarity:

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While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Flash Mob Protest

Controversial "Courting Condi" Cancelled By Cronies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:54:00 GMT

The 2008 election year may have ended, but Bush & Co. aren't splayed out on the front steps of 1600 Pennsylvania, waiting for the Obamas to roll in.

Condoleezza Rice, for one, hasn't resorted to phoning it in. She shows up for work every day in classy Saks, brushes the Katrina victims aside, and strides through the front gate to the White House, where her boss, her hero, awaits with a non-alcoholic beer and a bag of pretzels. Together, they are Nixon and Kissinger, circa 1974, with the fireplace ablaze and the rocks in a glass of whiskey clattering back and forth, hashing out their escape plan.

Part of that plan is to ensure their legacy and making sure, for starters, that any revealing documentary films are dead in the water before they're even released...

We're not sure we buy the filmmakers claim that Karl Rove asked the Discovery Company to rescind its promise to fund the film or that the State Department had their hotel rooms bugged, but it may be true friends of or even Condoleezza Rice herself asked that Stanford University cancel an advance screening of "Courting Condi," a documentary following an actor-musician's quest to at least go on a date with Madame Secretary.

The Stanford Film Society (SFS) today cancelled a screening of a controversial documentary about Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, and a debate on whether Stanford University should welcome her back to its faculty when she leaves office in 2009.

The film’s director, Sebastian Doggart stated: “This has all the hallmarks of Rice’s cronies scaring the Stanford Film Society into pulling the screening.”

The movie, Courting Condi, is a documentary about Condoleezza Rice, charting her life and career from her birth in Alabama, through her time as Provost at Stanford, to her tenure as Secretary of State. Contributors include close friends of Rice, her top biographers Marcus Mabry and Glenn Kessler, and senior Republican politicians such as Brent Scowcroft and Lawrence Wilkerson... [it] is due for general release in February 2009.

We'd like to add that the film also co-stars Adrian Grenier and Steve Earle's music, plus its lead by the kid (now grown) who played Macaulay Culkin's demented brother in Home Alone.

The SFS at first offered no explanation for the cancelation; after some prying, the President claimed a Professor had asked to use the space and his agenda took priority. But the SFS added that they didn't think the post-screening debate would be balanced and that that fear factored in their decision. Doggart chalks all this up to a, well, not-so-vast right-wing conspiracy:

“Our documentary has seen these tactics of obstruction and intimidation before,” Doggart states. “Eighteen months ago, Discovery committed to financing $600,000 for the movie. One week before shooting, they pulled out. We subsequently learned that Karl Rove found out about the deal and advised the CEO of Discovery it would be bad for their ‘good relations with government’ to proceed. Discovery pulled out the next day, leading to legal wrangling and a final settlement of a $150,000 ‘kill loan’ from Discovery, and forcing us to make the film on a shoestring.”
Doggart continues: “The obstructive measures got worse. Her supporters did all they could to stop us securing archive materials of Rice’s time at both Denver University and Stanford. And then her agents raided our inn when we were filming in Washington DC.”

Here's the film's trailer. Tell me-- is this a documentary or more likely a mockumentary?

Via Courting Condi.

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While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Likes Short Shorts

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Academy Awards season started up with the shortlisting of 15 feature documentaries, which includes "Man on a Wire" and films by Werner Herzog and Errol Morris. We're rooting for Encounters At the End of the World.

The lead singer of the Vines is battling the effects of his autism and the band has canceled all their upcoming shows.

There will be a female Secretary of State after all: According to the Guardian, Hillary Clinton was offered and has accepted the Secretary of State cabinet post, which opens up a whole new can of worms, not to mention a Senate seat in our current state of residence.

Hillary Clinton plans to accept the job of secretary of state offered by Barack Obama, who is reaching out to former rivals to build a broad coalition administration, the Guardian has learned.
Obama's advisers have begun looking into Bill Clinton's foundation, which distributes millions of dollars to Africa to help with development, to ensure that there is no conflict of interest. But Democrats do not believe that the vetting is likely to be a problem.
Clinton would be well placed to become the country's dominant voice in foreign affairs, replacing Condoleezza Rice. Since being elected senator for New York, she has specialised in foreign affairs and defence. Although she supported the war in Iraq, she and Obama basically agree on a withdrawal of American troops.

The New York Times Arts and Leisure Weekend may be awesome enough for you to make a trip here: Keith Olbermann, Lewis Black, Patti Smith, Salman Rushdie, the cast of The Closer, and a rumored appearance by Tom Cruise caught our attention..

Here's why we're the biggest nerds: the first thing we notice about these photos, taken of Sarah Palin (allegedly) boozing it up at a Miami hotel, isn't those short shorts, but the copy of USA Today in her hand. Sarah! USA Today is not hard to remember-- how come you couldn't name that as a newspaper you actually read?

More photos here.

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Sloppy Seconds: Is Victoria's Newest Secret Formaldehyde?

Emily Farris — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 22:43:00 GMT

Next time you make a friend cookies after she has an abortion, please do not use the fetus cookie cutter. Save it for Christmas. [Stupid.com]

We'll give you a sentence from a story, you try to figure out the headline: "The unmarried former managing director is also moderator of a large internet animal sex forum and has a number of dogs and horses on his farm in southern Sweden." [The Local]

Foreplay is soooo overrated. Apparently. [Telegraph]

Donald Trump is taking good care of Jennifer Hudson while she mourns the loss of her family. [People]

Condoleeza Rice is all about Michelle Obama. [Us]

Numerous women have been experiencing rashes, welts and scarring from Victoria's Secret bras. One lab that tested the bras said the undergarments contained formaldehyde. We'll stick to buying our undies at Target, thank you very much. [Jezebel]

Image via victoriassecret.com.

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Shoots Boyfriend Over $150

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 21:09:00 GMT

A top Superior Court official in Cobb County, Georgia resigned after the following allegations were made public:

Sex in a judge's chambers, trysts at local hotels during business hours, obscene phone calls to female workers and a desire to see lesbian sex are among the many accounts of what was going on... for the past two decades.

A new study indicates the pill may lead women to make incorrect mating decisions. Hmm... no comment.

And Paris Hilton is being sued for

declining self-promotion for the first time in her life, TMZ reports that she's being sued for it:
Her 2006 "comedy" "National Lampoon's Pledge This!" was apparently so bad, even Paris wouldn't shill for it. Worldwide Entertainment Group says she got paid a mil — a mil, folks — to act in the movie and then push it on TV and radio. They say she didn't do the latter and so they're going after her in Federal court.

A stripper and another possible shooter wounded the stripper's (ex-)boyfriend over a whopping $150 debt.

Ha, ha: A judge in California allowed the state's colleges to deny entry to Christian students who learned about the Bible instead of evolution.

Obama supporter or just crazy idiot? An overzealous supporter sent Cindy McCain to the hospital today with a "crushing" handshake.

Wait, aren't Pam and Tommy Lee still together? Guess not.

And George W. Bush is sending US troops and sexy socialite Condi Rice to rescue Georgia from a ~~Soviet~~ Russian invasion.

Sloppy Seconds: Impeachments Imminent

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:29:00 GMT

56 government employees in Miami-Dade County were arrested for their alleged links to an Oxy-Contin ring.

We keep waiting for an explanation for this few-days-old story, but since none has been forthcoming: A man was arrested for exposing himself to his neighbors. When police came in through his front door, they found him committing some sort of sexual act "with a claw hammer, plastic bag and motor oil." What?

Gawker revisited some classic (and far from classic) Playgirl covers.

Know anyone with a birthday tonight? Get them the Horse's Ass cake, just because you're such good friends.

One of the Dixie Chicks got divorced.

A teen conspired with a buddy to, we're assuming, assassinate George W. Bush at Camp David. He even had the motorcade route copied down. It's a miracle ~~we don't have a "President Cheney"~~ he didn't get to execute his nefarious plan.

In other Bush news, the House seems closer than ever to actually considering impeaching Bush. Which means nothing will happen, of course.

In other impeachment news, the President of Pakistan is much closer to being ousted: the country's ruling coalition agreed to begin removal proceedings against him.

And Condi Rice is apparently ignoring her daily memos from the RNC: she said the country would do fine against terrorisms even with an Obama presidency.

While You Were Sleeping: The War on Stretch Marks

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:37:00 GMT

A lawyer is suing Delta for $1 million after the airline took 3 days to get his family to Argentina for their vacation. Of course, Delta never actually got them there-- they had to buy one way tickets from a different airline at a different airport just to get to Buenos Aires in one piece. Kind of makes JetBlue look a little more tempting these days, doesn't it? [Queer Conservative]

Woah! A woman gave birth after having a pregnancy in her ovaries. Yep, and the baby's fine. [CNEWS]

Condoleezza Rice, who claims to have wanted to be a concert pianist before her cheerily authorizing torture, is hanging out in Sweden with Kiss. Yes, the band with Gene Simmons. Rice also said she's "been to four rock concerts" in her entire life-- wow, that's, um, very hip of you, Madame Secretary.

How times have changed in 30 years: more people seem to die everyday in New York City from construction-related disasters than from leathered-out neighborhood gangs weilding wooden bats. [Google News]

Headline of the Day: Not One To Stall For Time, Larry Craig Intends to Tap Out His Memoirs [Fark, obviously]

And Strollerderby relates personal histories about stretch marks in response to the New York Times story about dealing with the little bastards after giving birth. And by little bastards we mean, of course, the stretch marks.

Sloppy Seconds: The Truth About Tori Spelling

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 21:20:00 GMT

Finally, someone with some ethics is stopping all this celebrity snooping-- not that we're going to. Staffers at UCLA Medical Center in L.A. had the pain brought to them when it was revealed employees had been illegally accessing Britney Spears's records.

At long last, the breaking news you've been waiting for: Gary Busey apologizes for giving mouth-to-mouth rescucitation to Jennifer Garner's neck during the Oscars. His excuse: "I got very excited." We thought it was pretty exciting ourselves-- we didn't know our testicles could so quickly retract into our stomachs.

A woman killed her husband because he didn't want to listen to a Bruce Springsteen CD. If it's "Human Touch," we can definitely relate.

Morning sex can save your marriage-- and sheds at least 300 calories. (Only 300? Must be that infamous "under three minutes" kind.)

Let's not forget the political sex story buried by the liberal media: GOP Senator David Vitter's numerous visits to hookers. The La. Republican told the New Orleans Times-Picayune that his and Spitzer's mistakes are all but unrelated and should not be linked. After all, Vitter committed his faux pas "a long time ago," a.k.a. "in 2007."

Tori Spelling's boobs are fake. If you had to read that sentence to discover this information, clearly you did not see the above picture. To further insult you, they're remaking 90210.

And the headline of the day: Condi Waxes Brazillian [via Wonkette, of course.]

[Photo: PR Photos]

Is Condoleezza Rice a Virgin?

Emily Farris — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 13:23:00 GMT

While we were busy putting together our slutty outfits on New Year's Eve, the kids at Wonkette were actually working. They spent the day rounding up Condoleezza Rice's most awkwardest moments of 2007, and found that it was, in fact, her most awkwardest year ever. Even more awkward? About a month ago we walked past the set of a documentary on Condi while the host was positing that Miss Rice is a virgin. At first we thought it couldn't be. Do virgins even exist anymore? But then we did a little googling and while we still have no proof, we're not the only ones who think Condoleezza might pass the white sheet test. If this is true, we'd like to offer her a complimentary Gold membership to Nerve Personals.

[Wonkette: 2007: Awkwardest Condiyear Ever]