Scanner : computers

Back to the Future (or Today in the Apocalypse?): First Documented Case of 'Zzz-mailing'

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 19:42:00 GMT

We've heard of sleep walking, sleep talking and even sleep fucking, but emailing while asleep? Oh yes.

Is it a fluke or a sign of the imminent technology/drug-induced apocalypse?

A study published in the journal Sleep Medicine reports that a 44-year-old woman turned on her computer and sent emails to her friends asking them to come over with wine and caviar... all while she was asleep.

The woman was taking Zolpidem, which is sold in the U.S. as Ambien. Which studies have found can cause people to eat, walk and have sex while sleeping.

Among the woman's emails:

One read: "Come tomorrow and sort this hell hole out. Dinner and drinks, 4 p.m., Bring wine and caviar only."

Another said simply, "What the ..."

The new variation of sleepwalking has been described as "zzz-mailing."

"We believe writing an e-mail after turning the computer on, connecting to the Internet and remembering the password displayed by our patient is novel," the researchers said. "To our knowledge, this type of complex behavior requiring coordinated movements has not been reported before in sleepwalking," they wrote.

Novel, a sign of the apocalypse. Call it what you will, but imagine if we got on Facebook while asleep and started updating out status with our dreams: "Emily is currently having sex with [redacted]" or "Emily is currently having sex with [redacted] and [redacted]" or "Emily is floating on a chocolate cloud while tiny green men dance circles around my areolas.

[FOXNews: Forget Sleepwalking, Study Reports First Case of Zzz-Mailing]

Related:

Most Likely, We'll Sleep With You if You Grow a Giant Beard

Can't Sleep Because the Voices Keep You Up at Night? Better Get a Quantum Sleeper.

Today in the Apocalypse: Man Injured in Mooning Prank Gone Wrong

It's the End of the World As We Know It

Hooters, Like Cockroaches, Will Survive the Apocalypse... And The Olympics

If Only It Was the Apocalypse: 7-Year-Old Found with Crack at School

[Image]

'Rom Coms' Can Ruin Your Love Life, Sound a Lot Dirtier Than They Are

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:02:00 GMT

Ladies (and perhaps gentlemen) something you're doing on a regular or semi-regular basis could be ruining your personal life, according to a new study. It's causing you to have unrealistic expectations with it comes to love and impairing your communication with your partner. This thing is the rom com.

Just what is a rom com?

While it sounds like something along the lines of an anal probe or a high-powered vibrator, a rom com is simply a romantic comedy. And some psychologists believe that watching rom coms can affect intimate relationships in pretty significant ways.

They found that fans of films such as Runaway Bride and Hitch often fail to communicate with their partners effectively, with many holding the view that if someone is meant to be with you, then they should know what you want without you needing to tell them.

Psychologists at the Family and Personal Relationships Laboratory at Edinburgh's Heriot Watt University studied 40 top box office hits from 1995-2005.

They included You've Got Mail, Maid In Manhattan, The Wedding Planner and While You Were Sleeping.

Dr Bjarne Holmes said: "Marriage counsellors often see couples who believe that sex should always be perfect, and if someone is meant to be with you then they will know what you want without you needing to communicate it.

"We now have some emerging evidence that suggests popular media play a role in perpetuating these ideas in people's minds.

"The problem is that while most of us know that the idea of a perfect relationship is unrealistic, some of us are still more influenced by media portrayals than we realise."

We're not surprised (though we're more likely to believe that our iPods are playing the soundtrack to our lives), but we're still a little hung up on the term. It just sounds so.... dirty. Are we really that behind the times that we've never heard the term "rom com?" We saw "Sleepless in Seattle" at least 20 times. Maybe we're too young (we were eleven when it came out) or too old. Our old friend Scanner Bryan even threw out the term back in January but we seem to have missed it.

According to Wiktionary, the term was most likely inspired by "sitcom" or situational comedy, for those of you out there who are even younger and/or more dense than we are.

[Press Association: 'Rom coms' can ruin your love life]

Related:

Get Out The Waterproof Mascara: More Chick Flicks Coming Your Way

Video of the Day: "American Psycho" as RomCom

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: The Top 5

Is "Tech Sex" Somewhere Between Cyber Sex and Technical Sex?

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:12:00 GMT

Oh, sorry. We thought the term "sexting" was the word on the street for teenagers sending sexually explicit text messages from phone to phone, but apparently the "exting" suffix is a little too niche for the broader problem, which is "tech sex."

According to a new poll, one in five US teens has sent nude or near nude images to someone by phone or email, and twice as many have sent "suggestive electronic messages."

We don't really see how this is any different than the coded messages our "friend" used to send to our pager in high school, except this takes all the fun out of us having to consult a phone key pad to figure out that he had a dream that he was shaving our pubic hair.

Anyway, this is apparently a problem, or else there wouldn't be a news story about it, right? But the real problem, as we see it is (as we've pointed out before): if you take naked pictures with your cell phone they will get leaked. We promise.

At least it's not unprotected anal sex.

[AFP: One in five US teens has had 'tech sex': study]

Video of the Day: Sexting

Nude High School Cheerleader Scandal is Disturbing for a Few Reasons

How Long Were You a "Technical Virgin?"

"Dad, Guess Who Lost Their Virginity Last Night?"

Say "Hello" to "Emily" and Kiss Actual Women Goodbye

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 17:22:00 GMT

This is Emily. Although she's not real, she seems pretty damn lifelike. As she'll happily tell you, she's a creation of Image Metrics Technology and made by the same computer technology used in video games like Vice City.

First the sex doll looked real. Then the sex robot looked real (and was a sex robot, for people to have sex with, instead of having sex with other, actual people). Now the computer generated woman looks real. Real women -- we are totally done for. Why do these creepy android technologies never build lifelike dudes?

So this leads us to the million dollar question-- would you have sex with Emily? I mean, thankfully, you can't, but if you could do it with the unreal thing, would you?

[via YesButNoButYes]

Look Out: More Hackers Targeting Macs & iPhones

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 16:34:00 GMT

Wild PC-Mac foursomes with vibrating iPhones may lead to an overdue comeuppance for all of us.

For years Mac users have remained smug and secure in the knowledge that Windows users were suckers.

To date Mac users have been largely immune from such attacks. But are Macs safer from computer viruses because of better design or simply because, until recently, so few people actually owned them that hackers didn’t bother?

With over 90% of global market share, Windows has long been the target of choice for would-be hackers looking to wreak havoc or profit with viruses and spyware. Now, with Apple sales taking off, hackers are starting to target Apple products, software, and that most ubiquitous of all hipster shoulder bag stuffers, the iPhone.

"There are more eyes looking over Apple products for vulnerabilities," Hotchkies told AFP at a notorious annual DefCon gathering of hackers in Las Vegas.

"It has slowly been growing as a target people are more and more interested in."

"There are a lot more people getting into it and really getting their hands dirty," said Hotchkies, who noted an obvious spike this year in the number of DefCon attendees toting Macintosh laptops.

"I've been seeing a lot of reverse engineering on the Apple platform."

Ironically enough, part of this new fangled infection risk began when Apple started whoring itself out to run Windows.

"Windows developers take their code and make it work on Apple," Hotchkies said. "They could take potential vulnerabilities with them or possibly create new ones because they are working on an entirely different platform."

Something to think about the next time you download that a season of The Wire from Piratebay.

Via Breitbart.

-written by our fill-in blogger, Byron Dafoe

Sloppy Seconds: Who Else is Making Out With Drew Barrymore's Boyfriend?

While You Were Sleeping: The iPhone Crisis

Video of the Day: How To Recover Your Stolen Laptop

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:08:00 GMT

Has anyone tried Adeona or any other software program? And wouldn't it be worth losing your laptop for a day or two just to track down and bust the thief? How fun would that be?

Oh, uh, right. We don't condone that.

Caption This: Guy Working In Convertible... On A Desktop Computer

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 18:05:00 GMT

"Totaldouche," as this man has been called at least on one blog, seems rather fitting.

But what exactly is he doing? And why?

According to Gizmodo which broke the hilarious "story":

Reader Henry found this "mobile office" in New York last night, which is probably one of the strangest things I've ever seen. It consists of a desk, a keyboard, a desktop, a CRT, a lamp, a printer and flowers, all mounted on the passenger side of a convertible. Wha?

One theory is that since he's usually in Times Square, he may be the kind of photographer who snaps a pic of a couple tourists, then heads to his vehicle to print them out. That seems insane, even by New York standards-- dude, get a van-- with a door!

Via Gizmodo.

Today in Gadget Porn: The Laptop Book

Caption This: Huckabee's Got His Wife On A Thin Rope

Caption This: Obama and Hillary

Caption This: You're About to Meet Obama

Caption This: Paris Hilton Visits An Orphanage

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Makes Jesus Cry?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:23:00 GMT

Hatemonger and classic "Southern gentleman" Jesse Helms died at the age of 86. Meanwhile, a government worker actually retired rather than lower his office's flag to half-mast. Now, that's a gentleman.

Four teenagers are giving their LGBT Center a bad name after beating up a priest who tried to intervene in their fight.

In another setback to bigots in California, a conservative county that anti-marriage advocates had hoped would buck the State's new position agreed to hold gay marriage ceremonies after all...

An adult lesbian adoption was defeated after a residency issue was brought to light by the bitter, greedy family of Thomas Watson, who helped launch IBM Computers. How shameful.

Florida, which has been making a run lately for the title of Craziest State in the Nation, helped bring itself closer to reality this week by ignoring the "gay panic" plea of a drag queen's coldblooded murderer, sentencing him to life in prison. Don't worry, buddy, there's no chance of butt sex in prison.

The Religious Right, in the form of the so-called American Family Association, urged its members to boycott McDonald's restaurants nationwide after the chain so much as voiced support for National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. These are actual quotes from the right-wing group, believe it or not:

[T]he boycott "is not about hiring homosexuals ... It is not about homosexuals eating at McDonald's ... It is not about how homosexual employees are treated.
"It is about McDonald's, as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald's has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage," the site went on to say.

Read more at Gay.com. See also: "McDonald's Makes Jesus Cry" via Yahoo!

Obama Draws 75,000 In Oregon By Advertising Hannah Montana Concert

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 May 2008 17:50:00 GMT

Utilizing the latest in CGI technology, Barack Obama's campaign filled in a picture of a small gathering of his interns in an Oregon field with approximately 74,996 "voters," who are "energized like never before" by his candidacy...

The New York Times and other media outlets were fooled by the above photo, which appears to indicate Obama has some sort of "mass appeal," an idea Miss Hillary Clinton would not doubt cackle demonically at.

“Wow! Wow! Wow!” were his first words as he surveyed the multitude, which included people in kayaks and small pleasure craft on the river on an unseasonably hot day in Oregon. [New York Times]

See, right there you know the Times couldn't have been there. 1) "Wow! Wow Wow!" were words reported to be coming from a Presidential candidate and President of the Harvard Law Review, a magazine published in English. 2) Hehehehehhehehehheh. Beavis, he said "small pleasure craft." 3) "Unseasonably hot" and "Oregon" is obviously some sort of sly joke that we ass-cold Easterners do not comprehend.

Seriously, polls show Obama with a four point lead in Oregon (a scary 8% still somehow undecided), and Hillary way, way ahead in Kentucky, with about 11% undecided. Will this never end?

Photo via the Associated Press.

Today in Gadget Porn: The Laptop Book

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 19:52:00 GMT

We used to go to bed with a book. These days, it's our laptop. Seriously, we sleep with it in the bed. We know, we know. But this laptop book would make us feel a little better about all of that business.

[Gizmodo: The Laptop Book Makes a Deep Statement, But No One Cares Because It's a PC in a Book!]

Skynet Will Be Aware of Self, Hotties

Bryan Christian — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 12:36:00 GMT

Isn't training a computer to recognize sexy ladies sort of like a guy training himself to autofellate? Like, why would either one ever leave the house?

Amit Kagian, an M.Sc. graduate from the [Tel Aviv University] School of Computer Sciences, has successfully “taught” a computer how to understand and process the factors which contribute to attractiveness in women. Aside from this being the modern equivalent of “mirror mirror on the wall” and all the vanity that could come from it, it’s actually quite important. The importance lies in the fact that this is a significant breakthrough in creating artificial intelligence in computers.

Also: a giant leap forward in making webcams that much creepier.

Do We Need Machines to Tell Us How Pretty We Are?

Emily Farris — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 12:22:00 GMT

Apparently so. Especially if we consider ourselves conventionally attractive.

Scientists in Tel Aviv claim to have created a computer program that can recognize attractiveness in women.

Here's what they did: they had thirty men and women look at 100 images of young, white women and judge the "beauty" of each image. Then, according to EurekAlert, "Based on human preferences, the machine 'learned' the relation between facial features and attractiveness scores and was then put to the test on a fresh set of faces." The computer rankings turned out to be very similar to the rankings people gave, and so the scientists are surmising that the computer is "interpreting" beauty on a human level. On researcher, Amit Kagian, says "I believe that some kind of universal correctness to beauty exists in nature, an aesthetic interpretation of the universal truth. But because each of us is trapped with our own human biases and personalized viewpoints, this may detract us from finding the ultimate formula to a complete understanding of beauty.

Sounds pretty fucking generic and boring, if you ask us.

[Jezebel: Tech Appeal]

[Image of a Beauty Measuring Machine via Modern Mechanix]

Mac Users Sexier than PC Users

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 14:27:00 GMT

And we're not just talking about how much hotter Mac users are.

According to adult toy seller Lovehoney's web stats, Mac users spend more time on their site than PC users. So maybe it would be more accurate to say that Mac users are more comfortable with their sexuality? Either way (as if we needed another reason) we feel even more validated for spending so much on our sleek MacBook. And yes, we know there are plenty of good looking people who use PC's—we just don't happen to know any of them as we live in the land of MacBooks and skinny jeans.

[Macbook: Mac owners officially sexier than Windows]

Scanner Emily on the New MacBook Air: Enh

Emily Farris — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 15:47:00 GMT

Scanner is not a techblog, but we're all here on computers or fancy phones so we must, in some small way, care about technology. And yesterday was a pretty big day in the world of computers: Mac announced its newest release, the MacBook Air, the thinnest laptop ever. Unfortunately, we're far less impressed than we thought we'd be.

If you remember, our dirty old iBook crashed last week, forcing us to buy a MacBook just before Apple released their new product. This was sad for us. Though we still have rabbit ears on our TV, the original Nintendo we had as a kid, and our phone is held together with bright pink masking tape, when we do shell out the money for a new computer, we like to be somewhat on top of things.

But the MacBook air is kind-of like a $1,799 version of the iPhone with a full-size keyboard. It has only one USB port, no disc drive, and it looks a little like a UFO. And seriously, it's quite possible we'd lose it amid all the crap on our desk.

All in all, the MacBook air makes us love our new MacBook even more. And in a few years we'll probably jump on the MacBook Air bandwagon. Just in time for Mac to release a keyboard that's implanted in our fingers.

But we want to hear from you. What do you think of the MacBook Air? Did you pre-order one? Do you even give a shit?

[Apple: MacBook Air Guided Tour]

Scanner Highs and Lows: All About the Girl Parts

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 21:48:00 GMT

Every once in a while we kid ourselves into thinking there's more to life than boobs.

But every time, we're wrong. Here are this week's Scanner highs and lows.

Highs:

We made an amazing discovery.

We found God... in a strip club.

Sexy cancer survivors.

We were inspired to exercise.

Mmm...politics.

Lows:

We admitted to wearing granny panties.

Scanner Emily learned a very important lesson. Her computer is her most important girl part.

The boobs you see, sadly, do not belong to us. None of them.

Scanner Emily's Note to Self: Back That Sh*t Up!

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 14:21:00 GMT

You may have noticed my absence yesterday. Or maybe you didn't. Either way, not too long after posting Marry, Fuck or Kill, Scanner Caucus Edition, my computer screen got all sci-fi and blinky on me and then I got the blue screen of death. Maybe the Feds really were coming for me, trying to hit me where it hurts most. Or maybe I should have seen it coming for the last year when every time I opened my computer it sounded like a cement mixer and all the letters were worn off the keyboard. Needless to say, I spent the day worrying whether everything on it (including my book that's due in five days), none of which was backed up, could be recovered. Thanks to the wonderful people at Tekserve, my book and a few other important files were salvaged. Now I have a shiny new MacBook (yes, mere weeks before Apple releases a new laptop) and a whole lotta' debt. Point being: back that shit up (though I'm probably the only idiot who didn't).

P.S. I don't have Photoshop yet or there'd be a big ole' heart around that Tekserve logo.

Blue Light Special -- On Your Privacy!

Bryan Christian — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 21:18:00 GMT

If you guys are looking at this site or any other online smut on a computer purchased at either Kmart or Sears, you might want to have a look at this:

According to [Internet security researcher Benjamin] Googins, the [My SHC Community] product monitors not only all of the user's Web traffic, but also keeps track of secure sessions such as visits to bank sites, sniffs through email headers, and then sends that information to a ComScore.

Our heads are spinning here. Sears is still around?

[Via BoingBoing]

Dude, You're Getting a French Maid's Lower Body

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 15:00:00 GMT

We had an extra $300 lying around the other day and we were forced to make a choice: put it in the underwear drawer and keep saving for the $1500 18-karat gold vibrator, or buy a computer case shaped like the bottom half of a stripper in a maid's outfit. Wondering what we decided on? Let's just say our underwear drawer is a little emptier, while our desktop has a special new "friend."

Used Dell Laptop: $370; Getting Your Cheating Girlfriend F'd in the A: Priceless

Bryan Christian — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 19:25:00 GMT

Not only is this used Dell D600 a steal at just 400 bucks, but it comes with just about the best story of provenance we've heard about a second-hand item since that Antiques Roadshow: Whorehouses of Old New Orleans* special. The laptop belonged to this guy's girlfriend, who was getting her naughty Windows upgrade from another man. But that's only where the story begins.

Seeing that sex had gone out the window a month ago (seriously from once or twice a day to nothing) I figured if I could[n’t] get any neither should he. I started chatting with him but at the end I said "I would love to do anal tonight, but I don't like it slow, when you have me doggy style, just go for it. I will be ready all night"

Heck, the read alone’s worth a couple hundred!

* OK, that never actually happened. If only!