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On the Dangers of Excess

Colleen Kane — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 21:30:00 GMT

We are never going to win any graceful-lady contests by announcing this, but falling is funny. This video, dubbed "pound for pound, the most fail-packed :08 seconds on the web" by I-am-bored.com, illustrates why.

Video clips like this, as well as funny pictures of animals, are what the Internet is for.

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While You Were Sleeping: Teen Faces Prison For Having An Abortion

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:25:00 GMT

A 27-year-old woman is upset that a 63-year-old man has threatened to post nude photos of her on the internet.

Mia Farrow plans to go on a hunger strike to raise awareness of the crisis in Darfur.

This Wal-Mart employee may be the dumbest person alive: he stole a whole bunch of merchandise from the store, then advertised the items as "for sale" on the break room bulletin board.

A Supreme Court ruling from yesterday means police officers may not be able to search your car without a warrant.

A 19-year-old in Australia faces up to 14 years in prison for having an abortion. Of course, it's more complicated than that...

Researchers may have discovered that lice can prevent asthma.

This video proves there is such a thing as too much money in a political campaign.

This genius is in college, double majoring, and maintaining a 3.83 GPA. And he's 12.

And Miss California claims she knew as soon as she answered that gay marriage question that she would lose the competition.

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part One)

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

The Best of the April Fool's Day Sex News

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You're "Doing It" Wrong: Health Website's Wrongheaded Sex Advice

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 22:15:00 GMT

The Stanford University School of Medicine released a report today with shocking revelations about lies, fabrications, and downright stupidity on the internet.

Why is this different from everything else that's wrong with the internet? Because Stanford is blaming WebMD and other trusted medical websites for the backlash against Plan B, not to mention multiple other "mistakes" in the advice these sites cough up about sex...

Here are the most disturbing examples we picked up, quoted directly from a source at HealthNewsDigest, which covered the report:

sites often failed to say that minors can buy emergency contraception from authorized pharmacists in nine states
many sites did not correct the myth that emergency contraception causes an abortion
Sixty percent of the Web sites said the birth control pill causes weight gain, despite recent research showing modern oral contraceptives do not affect body weight
Only 19 percent of the Web sites made it clear that intrauterine devices are safe for adolescents to use.
only about half of the Web sites surveyed correctly stated that some STDs, such as herpes, can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact or kissing
Forty percent of Web sites surveyed did not provide accurate information about when young women should receive their first Pap exam. The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology updated its Pap exam recommendations in 2003 to state that women should receive their first exam three years after initiating sexual activity or at age 21; that is about three years later than the previous recommendations [“Extra Pap exams are an unnecessary stress and expense, and a barrier to getting birth control,” Yen said, since young women may forgo contacting a doctor for a contraceptive prescription if they mistakenly believe they must first get the exam.]

Researchers indicted that sites like Go Ask Alice, a product of Columbia University, are much more reliable. For example, here's their advice on giving a decent handjob, something we'll bet WebMD doesn't have the balls to pull. So, kids, if for some reason you're reading this after doing a Google search for "sex advice," go there first... and definitely don't read my posts. Sarcasm can be lost on those not "in the know..."

Via this link.

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Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

I made this for you. Well, I made it for me, but you can make it for yourself by using my recipe. It's a Green Eggs & Ham Easter casserole and it has biscuits (and cheese!) on top. [Slashfood]

Billy Bob Thornton was booed onstage while performing with his band Boxmasters in Canada. But not necessarily because they were bad, but because prior to that he'd gotten into it with a local DJ who then introduced him at the show. [MTV]

Aren't women supposed to go around bragging about affairs with rockstars? You know, like that one we had with Jim James*? [People]

When we went to the New School we, for the most part, stayed clear of the protests. Good thing, because it seems they end with pepper spray. [DailyIntel]

Freddy Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar are expecting a baby vampire slayer. [People]

Guess who has a book deal? Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John and Cookie Monster Cindy has apparently signed a deal with Hyperion to pen a book about politics. [Yahoo!]

We were never the best at anything as kids. So we totally would have taken being the best Ping Pong player. Too bad this six-year-old would have taken that away from us, too. [Neatorama]

Critics are slamming Miley Cyrus' big-screen Hannah Montana. Um, yeah. [Us]

Remember that funny Some E Card? Well, turns out Christ is on Twitter. Well, sort-of. Trinity Church in New York has decided to Tweet the Passion of the Christ. Will you follow Jesus? [Twitter]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

I Love Myself for Loving You: Jim James

*In our dreams. Every night.

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Knew About The Promiscuous Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

How far is too far in the quest for employment? If you're still unemployed, then you haven't gone far enough.

We're glad PETA is using the lovely and highly intelligent Alyssa Milano in their ad, but we kinda wish they had made her show more skin.

Miss Maryland USA 2004 was busted for drugs. No, not for doing drugs... selling drugs.

Friends with benefits relationships account for 60% of college couples.

We're going to put a Dylan bootleg mix CD together for Senator Feingold.

The 2009 Pillow Fight in New York City was held outside the Stock Exchange as some sort of protest.

What exactly was a UK regulator thinking when it fined the Playboy Channel thousands of pounds for broadcasting sexual content? What did everyone think they were going to broadcast?

Vote for the next star of PG Porn.

We already mentioned Levin Johnston on Tyra. What we didn't mention was that he said that the loving couple stayed over at the Governor's house on several occasions and that Sarah Palin "probably knew" her daughter had an active sex life. This woman is the very personification of "fail."

And if Regina Lynn's blocked on Southwest's in-flight wifi, so must we...

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble...

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

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College Students in Maryland Barred From Ever Seeing Porn

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:15:00 GMT

Right-wing politicians, who only seem to care about freedom when it involves grandstanding patriotism or a shot at an NRA endorsement, will do whatever it takes to stop pornography from being shown to anyone, including adults.

So, we're not the least bit surprised that Republican State Senator Andrew Harris in Baltimore County threatened to basically destroy the University of Maryland if he did not get his way on a screening of "Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge." Harris put forward an amendment that said any state school showing porn would lose its funding. Basically, this would've ended the university's $424 million deal if they were to carry on with this weekend's screening, which was almost sold out. Of course, Harris didn't say how he was prove in a court of law that something was "pornography"-- perhaps the "I know it when I see it" argument?

By the way, the school wasn't even hosting the event-- the student union was... and they were paying for it through ticket sales... so none of the state funding was even involved.

According to the Washington Post, there was an amusing twist in the debate:

While another senator was pressing Harris about why his amendment did not apply to double-X or single-X films, Senate President Thomas V. Mike Miller Jr. (D-Calvert) noticed that a group of third-graders had arrived to watch the action from the Senate gallery.

"Can we move to another amendment?" Miller said. And then: "We welcome the students from Plum Point Elementary School."

As debate on the other issue wrapped up, he told the children: "We're waiting for you to leave the room. We've got to talk about bad stuff."

Later, another senator was citing research that pornography makes men more angry at women who flirt but refuse to have sex. A group from Hollywood Elementary School in St. Mary's County then arrived. [Washington Post]

Representatives from the University, at that point, announced they were canceling the screening. We want to be mad at them, but pornography is not exactly high on our list of "free speech vehicles to defend to the death..."

P.S. Check out a censored Keira Knightley-Pirates-inspired porn comic here.

College Sex Magazines Making Their Way Through Connecticut, Too

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 14:45:00 GMT

Wesleyan University-- notable for its beautiful campus, inspiring teaching staff, and carefully-cultivated crop of the generation's next leaders-- is about to be known mainly for having a sexy sex magazine filled with nude students and tips on buying condoms, among other "controversies."

The Hartford Courant looked at Unlocked's contents and came away with this impression:

Unlocked features photographs of naked and partly clothed Wesleyan students, campus sex polls, tutorials, articles, interviews with sex workers and counselors, and guides to condoms and sex shops.

Wesleyan students and faculty members have strained and broken sexual barriers before, with a course on pornography, student-hosted "moaning" sessions, a "gender blind" dormitory and a "queer prom," among other initiatives. [Courant.com]

We've located an original ad, which really makes us want to check this out. They seem to actually, honestly want "all shapes and sizes" (unlike Craig's List ads, which claim to want that, but end up only choosing too-skinny female models.)

WE WANT YOU
Thats right folks, Unlocked (the Wesleyan Sex magazine) is looking for models. We're looking for every possible gender, body type and sexual expression. Photo shoots may be explicitly sexual, rabidly political, or just fun and hilarious. Do it alone. Do it with a friend. Do it with a fuck buddy. Do it with your future partner for life. All you need is a sense of humor and a willingness to do something a little wild, and if you're not comfortable with what we propose, you can tell us to go fuck off.

If you're interested, email unlockedmag@gmail and yes, you can be totally anonymous if you'd like. [Wesleying]

Ben Kuller and Yannick Bindert, both of next year's graduating class, thought Wesleyan was "due for a good dose of artistic sexual expression in the print format." Hear, hear.

Their next issue will be out sometime this spring and we'll try to obtain a full-color copy. Via The Hartford Courant.

Rice University's Sex Magazine A Slap in the Face to Houston Elite

Heading to College? Hope It's Not to One of These Educational Wastelands

Expose The Cover Up-- This Saturday At The National Go Topless Day

James Franco Is Sleeping His Way Through Grad School

Ina Maier — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:27:00 GMT

And we've got the photos to prove it...

[via]

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Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 19:15:00 GMT

47% of all public school teachers working in the United States have had sex with a student or another teacher since 1997, according to an informal study we just made up.

And like a halfway scary Dario Argento movie from 1976, it's spreading like a sexual plague to other countries...

The Sutton Guardian reported on two teachers at Carshalton College, a school near London (at least on the world map) who skipped out on a school assembly to have sex in a classroom. Not a big deal, right? The fact that they were caught by a student and reported-- still not a big deal. The fact that they were both committing adultery-- getting warmer...

The real story here isn't that the school sex(ual revolution) phenomenon is invading England, it's that after the teachers were busted the first time, they simply hightailed it across the hall and restarted their shenanigans in another classroom, where they were busted again, this time by a third teacher, who obviously felt he/she was missing out.

A great ending to this story would've been that all three teachers were busted for a classroom menage a trois, although we're confident one of those will turn up soon enough... Great Britain...

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Rice University's Sex Magazine A Slap in the Face to Houston Elite

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 20:47:00 GMT

Conservatives don't want you to learn anything about sex, because that would lead to fulfilling marriages... and we all know that happy people don't listen to right-wing talk radio.

Parents of Rice University students are trying to figure out how to put a stop to a student-run magazine that openly (hence the title, seen above) discusses sex, as if twenty-one-year-olds should be allowed to talk about it, let alone have it...

Open, the Houston-based publication in question, has already received national attention for depicting nude female students in its pages. But the fact that the school hasn't been able to plug the loopholes the publishers have squeezed through hasn't stopped parents from pursuing other actions. Students aren't all filled with immature glee either:

The content of the 68-page magazine included articles, poems and short fiction with titles such as "Abstinence-Only Education Is Anything But," "Health and Body" and "Exploring Health Benefits of Sex."
The publication debuted on Rice's campus and in nearby businesses last spring to a mostly positive, albeit shocked, student reaction, Solnick said. [ABC News]

You can check out the magazine here and decide for yourself if these kids are up t'no good...

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Art Students the Biggest Sluts, Study Says

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 18:37:00 GMT

According to a new study out of Australia, and an even more disturbing article about said study, art students are the most sexually active and know the least about STD's.

A pilot study at the University of Sydney asked 185 students aged 16 to 25 about their sexual history and awareness of the sexually transmitted disease chlamydia, the national AAP news agency reported.

Arts students were “more likely to be sexually active and to report having little or no knowledge of chlamydia,” said the study, published in the journal Sexual Health.

“Males in the study were less likely to have had sex as a group compared to the group of females in the sample.” Science students were also less likely to have had sex compared to their counterparts in other faculties, the study found.

What sluts! The best part, however, is the blogger's prespective on all of this:

Parents take note of this Australian study. Here, finally, is the reason to discourage your teenage daugther not to study art: she’ll be having sex, lots of it, not studying and she may even catch sexually transmitted diseases. I don’t think this finding comes as much suprise to parents.

We don't know. We've known some slu-tay physics majors in our day.

[Minor Matters: Art students very sexually active, science nerds study]

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"Step Right Up! Enter Our Prostitution Raffle..."

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:44:00 GMT

An adviser at Ohio State was arrested in his friend's home for organizing and operating a $10-a-ticket raffle for a night with a young prostitute.

This is one of those stories that just improves with every emerging detail...

Christopher Johnson, who works as an adviser at OSU's nursing school, was busted for promoting prostitution after launching the raffle through a Craigslist posting, then throwing a party for ticketholders at his friend Rusty Blades' house. Unfortunately, "Rusty Blades" is a real estate agent and not a porn star, although we're totally reserving the right to use the name in perpetuity.

Here's the kicker: the alleged prostitute is 31-year-old Vanise Dunn, who is child sex-abuse worker at the local Childrens Services center. Hot damn!

Photo of OSU coeds for illustrative purposes only.

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The English Are Still Too Prudish To Appreciate Nudity

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:11:00 GMT

Based on the public outcry surrounding a university student's nude photo in a collegiate newspaper, some Brits are clearly in possession of long-dormant puritanical streaks.

The unnamed 21-year-old blond from Homerton College, wearing lingerie sans top, posed for the third page of Vivid Magazine, an anonymous Cambridge University publication, apparently a riff on the Sun's regular feature of Page 3 Girls...

Unfortunately, no fully nude photos have leaked onto the web, but we do have a blurry one for you:

"I can't believe she agreed to pose for the magazine. Everyone has been talking about it. I'm sure she must really regret it now."
"Lots of students and professors have seen this. It's a very risky thing to do when you are studying at one of the top universities in the country." [News Locale]

People, we shouldn't wonder whether this kind of thing will hurt her academic career. We should be celebrating the fact that she had the guts to go topless in a magazine that only her fellow academics would read. To be able to hold your head up and not care what these people think after a stunt like this is a very valuable life goal...

Photos via Hotties in the News.

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While You Were Sleeping: Nude Photo Hoax

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Cornell Is Obsessed With Armpit Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:25:00 GMT

The ladies of prostegious Cornell University have an axillism fetish: they all seemingly want their boyfriends to have sex with their (sometimes hairy) armpits...

Axillism is defined by Sex Lexis as "sexual climax achieved by masturbating the penis in the armpit of a partner." At Cornell, apparently, it's known as "Tuesday night."

My boyfriend won’t fuck my armpit.
As far as I can tell, there is no lady-on-lady equivalent, and no name for the desire to be the receiving partner. Which would have been me. If Boyf would have just shut up and done it.
I first found out about axillism right here in The Sun, when my dear friend Ariela Rutkin-Becker printed an article in defense of the armpit called “Pity for the Pits.” In it, Ariela praises the pit and mentions the radical love some have for it with a caveat: “You should keep those personal details to yourself. The world just might not be ready for that quite yet.” Well here we go, world, ready or not.

The writer of the above is Liana Mancini, who continues her Cornell Sun tome by admitting that, prior to growing a forest in her pits, she had no interest in experiencing axillism. Now, even with a disinterested boyfriend (the jerk!), she's even willing to try self-axillism rather than go back to regular sex:

I started with a little touching. Nothing. A little stroking. Still nothing. I talked a little dirty to my pits in the hopes of arousing their inner beasts. Hell, I damn near tried to contort myself so I could see if maybe they just needed insertion from different angles. Nothing! Call me a quitter, but after twenty minutes of trying to woo my tufts into magical sensations, I gave up. I guess a pit-job really is for the benefit of the penis-bearer. But not my penis-bearing boyfriend. Gosh.

Well, there's always vibrators, Liana...

Via the Cornell Sun.

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Today It's Porn Vs. Halloween For Kevin Smith

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 15:06:00 GMT

Kevin Smith is opening his new movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno today. On Halloween.

If you think about it, this is risking total commercial suicide: the built-in audience for Smith's movies would rather watch a horror movie tonight than anything else, making it harder for the movie to have a strong opening weekend. Nonetheless, if they only knew how much better his movie sounds than the tiresome Saw sequel Hollywood pumped out...

College Times has an interesting interview with the writer-director, one in which he doesn't come off as a total dick. So, that's something.

Here it is, complete with his thoughts on Traci Lords, shooting a nude sex scene for the first time in his career, and everything in between...

College Times: What inspired you to do a story about best friends falling for each other because that’s something you’ve never done before?
Kevin Smith: I know, generally most of the stuff I do is like, two dudes who pine for each other but never fuck. All that time in the trenches doing stories about dudes in love definitely informed this script. But I’m afraid that, maybe on the page, it read like more of the same... [see full answer in the interview, linked below]

What was it like working with Traci Lords?
Working with Traci Lords was great. One thing that maybe most people don’t realize about her is she hasn’t made a porn film in 20 years. She worked in porn from the time she was 16 until almost 18. When she got out of porn she started studying acting in a really serious way. I felt so bad, because “Okay, I know you’re a real actress, but in this scene, you’re gonna pretend to blow bubbles out of your vagina.” I felt like I gave her very little to do so I’m kind of hoping to use her in the next film.

In your movies, your characters are known for talking about sex – in this one they actually get to have it. Were you nervous, as a director, about shooting your first sex scene?
I was. You know, it’s off-putting to shoot nudity. I did it once in “Mallrats” very briefly with Joey Adams and I hated it and swore it off. It’s just uncomfortable to ask someone to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself. The scene I was sweating the most was between Seth and Elizabeth because that’s the scene where two people lay down to fuck and wind up making love. I was trying to figure out a way to shoot it where it’s not an episode of “Red Shoe Diaries.” So I told them that morning that I’m going to play it all on your faces so you’re going to be fully clad with no nudity. I thought they’d be like, “Oh thank you thank you thank you,” but immediately they were both outraged. She was just like “Why the fuck did I work out for two months if you’re not going to show my body.” And Rogen was like, “Why the fuck did I shave my back?” Then the relief sank in.

Read the rest of this interview here, via College Times. The above photo and a review of the film is here.

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NYU Class Teaches You How To Have Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 16:08:00 GMT

The male student sat back down in his chair after performing a sex act with a female volunteer from his class. Evan told one reporter, “I told her I’d call her. It was undoubtedly the best sex I have ever had.”

Psychosexual Analysis of Human Behavior, a class at New York University led by Professor Ronald J. Moglia, has been instructing people on how to have sex. (In our experience, NYU students have some learnin' to do in that regard.) While we thought most people would have learned how to, as one friend put it, "manuever the banana," some people obviously had more conservative sex education classes in high school than we did.

Students in this class learn how to blow a banana (allegedly) and how to, in this case, lube it up:

[Evan] Wattles and a female student were asked to come up for a demonstration with condoms; the girl was given the role of the “penis,” which she created by putting up two fingers. Evan was then instructed to create a “vagina” by forming an “O” shape with his fingers, which he then ran up and down the “penises” to simulate sex. Two separate condoms, one regular condom and another containing KY Jelly, were then placed on each finger of the “penis”. The female student then had to say which finger felt more sensation (the condom with the KY Jelly).
Together, they became a match made in hand-sex heaven. It was a moment where “their hands made love,” Evan said, and “lubricant dripped down her hand, and tears [of laughter] dripped down [his] cheeks”.

Poor Evan doesn't know that a) this is indeed the best sex he's ever had and ever will have and b) the experience of lube driping and tears rolling is similar to most evenings that involve alcohol and strangers in our apartment.

Okay, we're exaggerating, kid... don't let this scare you!

Via NYU Local.

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A History of MIT Pranks, In Glorious Pictures...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 16:12:00 GMT

What can we say, we're a sucker for pranks, practical jokes, and general harmless merriment.

It's the only reason we would have considered going to a school like MIT (not that we would've gotten in or even wanted to.) You know, to carry out that fantasy of college life we first saw in Real Genius... the smart asses venting their energy not by farting and chanting "USA! USA!" at frat parties but by disassembling the dean's car and reassembling it in the Yukon Territories...

The Boston Globe has a brilliant and hysterical photo essay of pranks captured by still photographers over the years... all the photos are worth checking out...

But these are our faves, starting with the first annual piano launch!

Send us your prank photos and we'll post 'em... even if you didn't attend MIT.

Via the Boston Globe.

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University of Wisconsin Disappears Into A Haze Of Substance Abuse And Good Times!

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 15:40:00 GMT

The entire-- yes, every last member-- of the University of Wisconsin marching band has been suspended indefinitely as part of an investigation into the sexual and alcoholic abuse going on among its makeup.

This isn't the first time these "damn kids!" have been in trouble with authority figures...

According to NBC Sports:

In February 2007 the marching band’s assistant director Michael Lorenz resigned after an internal report criticized his treatment of a female colleague during a rowdy band trip to Michigan in 2006.
Reports of band members’ hazing, alcohol use and inappropriate sexual behavior prompted the university to put the band on probation after the trip.
Then-Chancellor John Wiley threatened band members with losing performance and travel privileges.
Wiley, in an October 2006 letter to Leckrone, called band members’ behavior “boorish to patently dangerous and unlawful.”

Apparently, no one has ever seen Animal House. Comparatively, this is a Bible retreat... although God only knows what deviant sexual activities go on after the witching hour at one of those events.

Meanwhile, back to Wisconsin... the charges against the 2008 marching band edition include "hazing, alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct," according to officials at the University. Unfortunately, they were unwilling to divulge any more juicy details, but we can use our imaginations... just like we did after seeing American Pie with Alyson Hannigan and her band camp escapades...

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While You Were Sleeping: Janet Jackson Hospitalized

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:54:00 GMT

Flea is taking a break from the Chili Peppers; he's headed for higher ground at USC.

A judge tossed the infamous lawsuit that alleged New York's Ladies Nights discriminate against men..

Is The View falling apart? Barbara Walters has called a staff meeting on account of... who else?

With the rumor mill buzzing that a discontent Elisabeth Hasselbeck may vacate her cushiony seat on The View for the cool, hard Eames chair of Fox News, it's up to den mother Barbara Walters to restore order on the set of her chat show. True to form, Walters has eschewed hugging it out in favor of a more clinical approach; according to the Chicago Sun-Times, she's had to schedule a staff meeting to deal with the increasingly hot-under-the-collar Hasselbeck. [Defamer]

If this e-mail rumor turns out to be true, it would mean Barack Obama will win the Presidency.

Jesse Ventura's new reality show? Yep, the man who was last seen speaking at Ron Paul's RNC counter-rally, is working on a show about conspiracy theories.

Even bears don't want to go anywhere near hospital waiting rooms these days.

Heath Ledger's insurance company is not letting this thing go quietly.

And Janet Jackson "fell ill" during a soundcheck in Montreal last night and has been in the hospital, with an undisclosed or undiagnosed ailment since then. No other details have been made available. Janet is 42 years old...

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Ow, My Eyes! "Ann Coulter Lite" Is Anti-Everything We Hold Awesome

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Ashley Herzog is a college student at Ohio University and a blogger for Town Hall, one of the last bastions of conservatism in a medium overrun by liberal outlets like the New York Post, the Washington Times, the Utah Herald Journal, and, of course, those Commie pinko queers at Fox News.

Herzog is atypical of college students-- and we mean besides the fact that she doesn't support lowering the drinking age to 18 (or 12, as we've always favored.) Here's part of her recent post about Back To School stuff:

When school starts in the fall, many college students will be paying exorbitant tuition to universities that offer a silver platter of worthless courses: classes in Marxism, prostitution (Sociology of the Sex Industry is all the rage), “queer theory,” pornography, and rock and rap music. While some of these classes are easy to spot as non-educational, others masquerade under legitimate-sounding names in mainstream academic departments.
As an Ohio University senior who has sat through plenty of college junk courses—many of which were required for graduation—I’ve compiled a list classes for incoming freshmen to avoid.

Well, we're pretty sure classes in Marxism, prostitution (Sociology of the Sex Industry is all the rage), “queer theory,” pornography, and rock and rap music were not required, you nitwit. And we're pretty sure even a liberal warhorse like, um, Ohio University has one or two classes up your conservative alley.

So, what are those classes we thinking people should avoid, Ash?

Don’t register for English classes that revolve around the writings of some allegedly oppressed group, such as “Gay and Lesbian Literature” or “Women and Writing.” These classes typically have nothing to do with great, or even good, literature.
Avoid classes that teach American history not as it actually happened, but as the professor thinks it should have happened. Check out the required texts before registering. If the professor uses books like Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States (which claims that American leaders orchestrated the Civil War to halt the impending socialist revolution), don’t waste your money

Well, having read that book we can say the reason you're upset with it is because it doesn't present the world the way the conservative movement would like to see it. And sorry, Ashley, but sometimes that's the way things go...

Read the rest of her Drudge Report audition here. PS: The "Ow, My Eyes" thing refers to not her looks but her words.

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Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:23:00 GMT

Scanner Brian is in Minneapolis-St. Paul this week reporting from the Republican National Convention...

We have to admit our trip to the Trojan Bus near the Excel Center yesterday was not entirely on the up-and-up (no pun intended.)

We heard there were a half dozen hotties flirting with delegates, handing out condoms and buttons, and asking the ladies and gentlemen of the RNC to take some sort of condom test. This, we thought, sounds like Scanner material...

Trojan claims this is not a marketing ploy (you know, buy our condoms and you'll get these hot girls to like you), but rather a booming wake up call about the state of the country's sexual health. Hint: it's in the shitter.

David Johnson, Group Project Manager for Trojan Brand Condoms, says, "The main initiative is to open people's eyes and get them involved in the Evolve cause." The Trojan Evolve Tour plans to visit 60 college campuses in six months. The Trojan Tour Bus will have multimedia stations where students can play games and win the necessary prophylactics for all their sexual needs.College OTR] [

Ah, yes... about those games. What we experienced was basically the Relay Game. If you've read the rules off the sign in the above photo, you've pretty much figured out how that goes, we imagine. If only there was a way to roll a condom over a banana while taking pictures (we never did get the one-hand move down yet-- again, no pun intended), we would have figured it out and presented a full photo essay here. As it is, we think you can use your imagination.

However, here is some visualization, if only of the bus, which has a little ~~peep show booth~~ video booth where students and anyone else off the street can record their own sexual health-related message to America. (Our was going to be something about how it's Wednesday, which means it's Business Time, but we thought better of that...) Note that the story we're referencing in this short and relatively pointless Q&A with the leader of the Trojans is this one.

[Ugh, Vimeo screwed up our video and it's too late to fix it today. We'll update tonight. Here's the basic rundown: we try to get the Trojan Girl to say anything about Republicans or Democrats, but she rightly avoids our dumb questions and sticks to the subject. In any case, we will say this: we're glad a very dedicated group of people of any age are spreading a positive message about condoms. As one of the girls told a delegate as we walked back to the RNC, "One and four New Yorkers has herpes." The numbers, you should know, are almost as bad everywhere else as well...]

UPDATE: Here we go...

Trojan Girl Explains Her Presence At The RNC from Brian Fairbanks on Vimeo.

Follow the tour via Facebook and read more at the Trojan website. By the way, can someone please explain the logic behind the bus "evolution" drawings?

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College President Who Stopped Student From Drinking From Broken Keg Resigns

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:32:00 GMT

You know we're kidding when we used the words "stopped" and "broken" in that headline, right?

College President (not the student-elected kind) Robert Paxton was at a July 4th lake party when he was caught in the above photo helping a lovely young lass with her beverage:

"If you want to know the truth, the thing was broken," he said. "I never opened the tap on any keg."

Asked what he was doing with the keg suspended over the woman's open mouth, Paxton said: "Nothing. The thing didn't work. I was laughing at them. You know, if I was doing anything, I was grabbing it and trying to put it back down."

Uhhh... right. So that explains the fact that you are working the tap itself... how?

Wisely, Paxton decided not to fight the charges raised by his own Iowa Central Community College board and simply walked off the job, collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars on his way out. Amazingly, though, the story of how Paxton got a bunch of his underage son's friends drunk doesn't end there:

Paxton also denied that his 19-year-old son was drinking that day, yet police records show the young Paxton was picked up for a DUI charge later that evening. [DeadSpin]

Wow. This guy is the worst liar ever. Good riddance... after all, underage kids don't need you to help with their beer, creepy old dude.

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I Love Myself For Hating You: Paul Dano

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:28:00 GMT

This post was written by Sean Flanagan, who is filling in for Verena...

I hate Paul Dano, straight up. I’m sorry, kid's a douchebag.

I have had the unfortunate experience of sharing two classrooms with Paul Dano, star of There Will Be Blood and other recent hits. The kid is a shitbag, and film classes at Eugene Lang College in New York? Not exactly the biggest stressor I have ever encountered. More like, if you have seen enough movies, you have the basis to geek out and talk about it.

Paul Dano, though, sucked the life out of the room. Then when he had to do reshoots for Little Miss Sunshine, he was forced to skip finals. Not only was he passed along, with his finals taken care of for him, he got several EXTRA credits for being a working professional.

Another semester, roughly one year later, it happened again. Instead of midterms or attending class, he had to go to L.A. for the Academy Awards.

Then the Nylon (for Guys) article came out. Maybe the writer is a shit, but it begins in the largest sense of douche I’ve ever read:

A street corner in New York’s unassuming Tompkins Square Park isn’t the first place one would expect an actor to suggest meeting for an interview, but then, Paul Dano isn’t what you would expect of an actor.

Seriously. Hipster Manhattan Bar zone... is a surprise? They go on to meet in… a coffee shop. And discuss the pressures of impending fame.
Now, Paul Dano has added another modern film “genius” to his resume: Ang Lee is joining the roster of Spike Jonze, Paul Thomas Anderson, Todd Solondz and Richard Linklater.

Taking Woodstock is the next film, A comedic period piece (what Ang Lee seems to do best) regarding how the famous Woodstock festival came to be.

Rolling Stone defines it as being the true story of

Elliot Tiber [Demitri Martin], who inadvertently played a pivotal role in Woodstock when he offered his family’s Catskills hotel to organizers as a home base, while his neighbor Max Yasgur (Eugene Levy) offered his farm”

I was supposed to work on this film. The day I didn’t get it, Paul Dano was cast. Meanwhile, Todd Solondz was about to cast a friend of mine in his next film, Life During Wartime; he went with Paul Dano. Dano has worked with, and quite often sucked the oxygen away from some of my favorite actors (Gael Garcia Bernal and Michelle Williams come to mind.)

So, Paul Dano, who has also joined a band in apparent lack of ability to express himself, you are my archenemy. You are joining the ranks of Gwen Paltrow and Morgan Freeman. Stay out of my way and don’t career cock block me and I will try to stop telling everyone I meet how useless of a human being you are.

DISCLAIMER: I am aware that a fraction of this anger is jealousy. I would love to have his career and work with the people he has met. However, I also do not think he has deserved all of these blessings and would rather give these chances to an actor like Ben Foster.

DISCLAIMER #2: Opinions of our guest bloggers do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Scanner bloggers, Nerve, or the world at large.

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Heading to College? Hope It's Not to One of These Educational Wastelands.

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 18:28:00 GMT

Radar Magazine has a great feature on the dark underbelly of secondary education with descriptions of the most degenerate and superficial student bodies, the ugliest campus and the biggest rip-off.

But the worst college in America sounds more like a detention center than an instution of higher education. The well-deserving loser is....

University of Bridgeport in Bridgeport, CT. We've never heard of this college before, but maybe that's because we're not big enough followers of Reverend Sun Myung Moon's Unification Church. That's right, creepy 70s cult, the Moonies, bankroll this place where much of the student body is comprised of international students duped into enrolling. But for nearly $40,000 a year you don't just get cult indoctrination. Radar elaborates on the other educational perks.

"The campus is bordered by high-crime neighborhoods," writes a concerned grad, recalling the "naivete and innocence" of incoming students. "They'd trustingly tour the campus and surrounding area by foot and get mugged or killed." The city's violent crime rate is 60 percent above the national average, and over the past two years it has increased by another 6 percent.

For the past decade, incoming students have been presented with "personal alarm locators," portable panic buttons that summon security in the likely event of an emergency.

Sounds like a great place to get some street smarts and a couple really awesome scars.

While You Were Sleeping: Colin Powell To Endorse?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:19:00 GMT

Last night, Colin Powell denied he will endorse Barack Obama and speak at the Democratic National Convention.

Assuming he's not just stalling so an official announcement is given at a more effective time, one has to wonder what Fox News, which broke the "story," had intended. Are they trying to hurt Obama by bringing him up just to put him down? Is Powell really going to endorse McCain and, therefore, pulling the rug out from Obama will make Colin's vote more devastating?

Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol told FOX News exclusively on Wednesday: “He may well give a speech at the Democratic convention explaining his endorsement of Obama.” Kristol, a FOX News contributor [cited] inside sources.

“This is not an absolute done deal, but these people are very confident that Powell will endorse Obama,” Kristol said, adding that he thinks Powell, a Republican, still has “a high respect” for John McCain, Obama’s Republican rival.
“I do not have time to waste on Bill Kristol’s musings,” Powell told ABC News. “I am not going to the convention. I have made this clear.” An endorsement by Powell could go a long way to attracting moderates and wayward Republicans to the presumptive Democratic presidential candidate. [Especially "terrorism and security voters. - Ed.]

How times have changed-- in Ohio in 2004, Democratic districts saw 10-hour long lines while Republicans waited an average of only a few minutes to vote; now, with Democrats controlling much of the government again:

Ohio has created a window in the election calendar that would allow residents instant gratification — register one minute, vote the next. It's also given the campaigns of Democrat Barack Obama and Republican John McCain a chance to bank thousands of first-time voters during that Sept. 30 to Oct. 6 window.

The move will benefit Obama, who enjoys a 2-to-1 lead over McCain among 18- to 34-year-olds, according to a Washington Post-ABC News poll released last month. If Obama's campaign were able to tap into college campuses with one-stop voting, it would add thousands of votes to his tally...

Can this "glitch" and a Powell endorsement help put Obama over the top? Perhaps not, but McCain can't be happy with either...

Via FoxNews and Yahoo!

Those Who Can, Do; Those Who Can't, Teach Porn Techniques...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:10:00 GMT

In an interview today with Offsprung, porn star turned sex educator Nina Hartley discusses feminism, her weight, kids and masturbation, and how much she still loves sex...

Some highlights from the interview are below...

I try not to lie about things like [my weight.] I haven’t had a hysterectomy to remove my permanently enlarged uterus, either...
One good thing about the ever-smaller niches for porn is that there is more room than ever for a wider range of body types. Now there are ‘plumpers,’ who are bigger than the stick girls but smaller than the 200+ pounds “fat chicks” of yore.
First: my husband, who is also the writer/director of the Guides, and I love sex and have no ambivalence about what we do or what the mission objective is. Second, we hire only those who, gasp! actually like being sex performers.
As a sex-educator, I’m with you 100% on what passes for sex “education” these past few years.
Obviously, telling teens to “just say no” is useless. All the data point to the fact that abstinence-only kids have sex pretty much at the same rate as others but are less likely to use birth control or condoms and are more likely to engage in anal sex as a way to preserve “virginity.” WTF?!?!
Be very generous in how you support each other. If you don’t have the energy to fuck, can you “help” your partner by being present while he or she masturbates?
For all the sex I’ve had in my life, I continue to be surprised by it every time.

And boy, has she had it. Since graduating from nursing school (magna cum laude, mind you), Hartley has appeared in at least 400 pornos, plus her unforgettable cameo as William H. Macy's wife in Boogie Nights. Among her other accomplishments: defending the adult film industry on Oprah and this famous incident:

[S]he was arrested in 1993 in Las Vegas, along with 10 other adult stars (later known as the "Erotic Eleven"), for having performed a lesbian show at an adult video industry fundraiser; an undercover police officer was present in the audience. Threatened with six to 12 years in prison for felony lesbianism and pandering, she was eventually allowed to plead guilty to a misdemeanor.^[6]

Read more of the interview at Offsprung.

Beer Pong Video Game Falls By Way Of Lenny Bruce, Poop Paintings, Janet Jackson's Nipples

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 17:28:00 GMT

Stupid poster available from AllPosters.com

How dare these bastards try to stop up from playing "Beer Pong: The Video Game?" Never mind that we're spending $50 on a video game in which we salivate over digitized beer, when we could play it for real for $1.99 worth of Country Club...

Time Magazine has this shocking, shocking story:

Perhaps, in retrospect, JV Games should have seen this coming. After all, drinking games and video games may be two of college kids' favorite pastimes, but they are also a source of constant complaints from the students' middle-aged parents. So when the softwaremaker tried to combine the two adolescent activities, many critics felt it had gone too far.

"Too far" meaning, in this case, attempting to release a video game promoting binge drinking on the Nintendo brand.

"We never anticipated such a severe reaction to the word beer," says Jag Jaegar, co-owner of JV Games, which released Pong Toss on July 28 with a kid-friendly rating of T for teen.

Never anticipated?! Dude, the problem isn't the word "beer," it's everything including "beer." And yes, they actually changed the name of the game to "Pong Toss" and now feature water in the cups instead of booze.

Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Via Time.

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Bikini Jello Wrestling Contest Ends In Violence, Chaos, Stickiness

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:32:00 GMT

A jello wrestling competition, performed strictly by girls in bikinis, held as part of an end-of-the-term drinking marathon known as Suicide Sunday, descended into chaos and bloody violence after one girl turned into a big-time sore loser...

According to the Daily Mail, a student of Cambridge University in England, lost her shot at 250 pounds in prize money, thanks to spectators who voted her the defeated party in one match. Nadia Witowski subsequently stood up and punched a spectator in the nose, presumably having heard something insulting about herself. She then grabbed a bottle of Lambrini and staggered toward civilization, where two bouncers folded their arms and blocked her path.

Undeterred, Ms Witkowski lashed out again, punching one bouncer and attempting to headbutt the other.
Police were called to the party at Trinity Old Fields, Cambridge, at 1.30pm on Sunday and Ms Witkowski was arrested. She was later cautioned by officers for common assault.

The above-mentioned spectator, who was presumably adorable in her butterfly wings, fled the festivities with a bloody nose.

The 'Blazers and Bikinis' bash was the 79th Suicide Sunday party organised by the Wyverns - an infamous all-male Magdalene College drinking society.

Is there any doubt going to school in the United Kingdom is way more fun than in the US?

Is that Pete Doherty in the black tie?

More on this story (and photos) at The Daily Mail.

Previously: Princess Eugenie's Endearing Nude Rampage

Princess Eugenie's Endearing Nude Rampage

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 14:02:00 GMT

The English papers are in an uproar over Princess Eugenie's supposed nude "rampage" of last week. We here in America have a different word for it: we call it "college."

A senior staff member was woken by playful shrieks in the college grounds, and upon investigating found about a dozen young women dancing around without any clothes on. [via Telegraph]
“The girls had been drinking, possibly in a local pub, and decided to let their hair down.It was a couple of weeks ago just before people started taking their A-levels and some find exams all a bit stressful. For some reason they stripped off and started prancing about.” [via British Royal Wedding]

A royal source said: "It was nothing more than high jinks at the end of term in May. A group of them were reprimanded and that's the end of the matter." [Telegraph]

Yes, people, she's an eighteen-year-old girl in her (we're guessing) first year of university, having a bit of innocent fun in the buff, which is not immoral, not even in Britain. And, my God, hasn't the daughter of the Duke and Duchess of York suffered enough over the years, thanks to media scrutiny, a wild family life, and the pressures of royalty? Let's let her blow off some steam and, if she wants to stop allowing lame Photoshopping of her beautiful, natural curves (see bland, ultra-thin anti-Eugenie, pictured above) and ditch the oh-so-typical pretty boys, we are available for intercontinental iChat...

Mirror: Princess Eugenie Is Airbrushed

Telegraph: Princess Eugenie caught frolicking naked at school.

Today in the Worst Pop-Up Advertising Ever: Why Online Degrees Are Hot

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:29:00 GMT

This totally makes us want to go back to school. You?