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Spring Movies Full of Steamy Sex Scenes, Apparently

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 16:20:00 GMT

Today's Entertainment Weekly blogs are all about sex scenes in movies. Sex scenes in Lifetime movies, even.

If this is a true indicator of what to expect, then Spring 2009 is going to go down as having some of the hottest cinematic love scenes ever...

First EW's Popwatch has this trailer from the upcoming Cherrybomb, Rupert Grint's breakthrough-from-child-star movie:

That's bound to be saucy, even though we'll keep screaming silently, "Ron Weasley's snorting drugs!"

Meanwhile, Seth Rogan's new movie, Observe and Report, is like that Kevin James Mall Cop movie, except this actually attempts to be funny. Of course, seeing as how this is Seth Rogan, there is a good degree of envelope pushing, particularly when it comes to the sex scene. According to various sources, Rogan's character has a crush on Anna Faris's makeup counter girl character and gets her drunk on tequila one night. While she's passed out, he tries to make out with her and gets a mouth full of vomit... or something. Then, it gets all rape-y:

"I sort of thought that our 'tender lovemaking moment,' [director] Jody [Hill] was like, 'Okay, you guys are having sex and you're going to have some vomit come out of your mouth, you're passed out and your boobs are jiggling all over,'" Faris said. "I was comforted by the studio. I was like, there's no way [they'll let this pass]. There's no way. I'll do it, sure, because I don't want to be a stick in the mud but there's no way this is going to make it in the movie." [Starpulse]

Q: In that unusual sex scene, did you actually consent? Anna: I said, “Why are you stopping, mother fucker!,” and I meant it. Seth: The implication would be to keep going, yes. Anna: It was great to see that with an audience. One journalist told me that she was ready to walk away from the movie, and then, when I mumbled that line, it’s like, “Oh, my God!” It was great to see the reaction from the audience. Seth: You can literally feel people thinking, “What are they going to do to make this okay? How is this going to be acceptable?” And then, she says the one thing that makes it acceptable. It’s perfect! We did that in one take. We literally had one camera and one take. I think it took under a minute to film that scene. [Movies Online]
In retrospect, Faris is happy her love scene goes all the way. "I'm grateful, I'm grateful," she said. "I'm grateful that the movie is unapologetic." [Starpulse]

Observe and Protect is out on Friday in America. Cherrybomb is expected to be released by summer in the UK.

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Caption This: Amy Winehouse Really is Back in the Saddle

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 14:31:00 GMT

Winehouse in St. Lucia on Saturday, April 4.

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Joe Biden's Daughter Caught in Cocaine Scandal?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:46:00 GMT

Ashley Biden, the cute 27-year-old daughter of the Vice President is apparently this year's Kate Moss. Remember how someone secretly filmed the supermodel doing blow at Pete Doherty's recording session? The same thing happened to Ash, only it was at a party, she knew she was being filmed, and now the tape is about to fetch six figures...

If it's true. While we do believe a tape exists, so far no one's been able to prove the cokehead in the video is the First Daughter. Even the New York Post is unsure-- although, of course they milk the story for the little it's worth:

The woman appears to resemble Ashley Biden, 27, a social worker for a Delaware child-welfare agency...

[She] makes repeated references to the drugs, said the lawyers, who said they viewed the tape about 15 times.

"At one point she pretty much complains that the line isn't big enough," said the second lawyer, who declined to identify himself. "And she talks about her dad."

Biden has been an outspoken crusader against drugs, coining the term "drug czar" in 1982 while campaigning for a more forceful "war on drugs." [NY Post]

Whoever she is, she clearly has a drug problem. According to a variety of sources, the young woman on the tape uses a big red straw to snort up a boatload of coke before lashing out at people around her and telling them to "shut the fuck up." (It's also rumored that Biden's longtime boyfriend is pictured in the same frame as her, which would make the tape appear to be genuine.)

The douchebag who filmed all this tried initially to obtain $1.2 for the original, but has scaled back his greed to a mere $400,000. One report says two companies have offered well over six figures for the tape, but not the full 400 g's. Yet...

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Barack Obama's "Gay Sex Scandal" Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 16:28:00 GMT

...for liberals.

Because the "Barack Obama is gay" narrative is entirely the work one deranged and entirely unlikeable character, he can only embolden Democrats with his bizarre and unbelievable claims...

Larry Sinclair, the same transparent wacko whose story of doing cocaine off the cock of Barack, has apparently returned to save the Globe from plummeting newsstand sales. "Well, what have we got? There's nothing going on right now, so let's recycle the Obama Is Gay story-- just don't mention Sinclair on the cover, so everyone will think these are new allegations from someone actually slightly believable." Or something like that.

It turns out Sinclair is putting out a book, according to his frightening and laughable website. (Why is his shirt on backwards on the homepage, for starters?) Here's the Globe's obnoxious tease for the issue:

PRESIDENT Barack Obama is caught up in a new gay sex and drug scandal - and his loving wife is heartbroken, sources tell GLOBE in a blockbuster world exclusive. Find out all the details of the letter Michelle Obama received from the MAN who claims to be her husband's lover - and how America's devastated First Lady is fighting back against a shocking new tell-all book. It's must reading!

If Michelle Obama were devastated by these allegations, she would have been over them this summer, as they are nothing knew. Nonetheless, check out the desperate right-wing kooks that come out to support Sinclair. These are the same people that thought illegal wiretapping, war crimes, the pointless deaths of thousands of American troops, rumors of W's people having wacked W's mistress (we're not making that up), and Dick Cheney's shooting of a hunting partner were all nothing to cry about over the past eight years. Oh, but one guy without a shred of proof that he had gay sex with the black Democrat in the White House... the outrage!

-Congratulations to you and my thanks to the Globe. I appreciate the magazine for their consistency in taking and printing updates on your narrative and the constant endeavor to expose the truth about Barack Obama.
-Heee heeee!!! America's "First Lady," is heartbroken! Well, diddums! She must have known about the book quite some time ago, though I guess she was hoping that if there were enough threats to Larry, the book would disappear. Well, Mrs Oscammer, why not invest in a few cardigans to cover those arms of yours because with any luck you'll be out in the cold before too long!
-Since Senator Byrd is criticizing our "king scum", I wonder if he will just suddenly die? Supposedly in the future, we will not have the freedom of speech to criticize him.bkw
-Rock on Larry !! I hope mo hits the wall and explodes with barry soetoro right behind her ! They are nothing but crap on the face of the earth !

The more these twits carry on, the better it makes Obama look. Read more, if you can stomach it, at Larry Sinclair's blog.

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Diamond Dave Assteroidz!

Colleen Kane — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 14:42:00 GMT

Remember the primative 1979 Atari game Asteroids? And remember the primative 1979 rock and roll singer Diamond David Lee Roth? Turns out they are two great tastes that taste great together. I don't know who is behind the online entity Sh?tbagz.com, but they've created a simple yet irresistable online game, currently in beta.

You are Diamond Dave, shooting dots out from your ass, in mid-flying Dutchman form, at oncoming Assteroidz...and someone else. Find out who by playing Assteroidz here, now.

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Obama Speechwriter and His Maxim Girl Steam Up the White House

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 16:32:00 GMT

Sorry, ladies (including Scanner Emily), your #2 Hottie in the White House, Jon Favreau, has taken himself a ladyfriend.

It turns out that Obama's head speechwriter, a dude of only 27 years, is going to give us something to gossip about for the next four years: he's dating Maxim babe Ali Campoverdi.

According to Gawker, Campoverdi is an assistant to one of the deputy chiefs of staff, so it's not like Favreau's preying on the help or sexually harassing his own staff or something. No, this is pure White House sex of the kind a Presidential administration has always longed for-- no interns, cheaters, or coke-fueled swimming pool orgy marathons.

Not yet.

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Londoners Knew How to Drink Us Under the Table

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 20:39:00 GMT

Did you know that in the 1920s, long before Paris Hilton (can you believe there was a time B.S.T.-- Before Sex Tapes--?), London was a hotbed of sexual mania? And you thought Hemingway was having all the fun in Paris and the speakeasies had the best parties in New York.

According to a new book and the following awesome vintage photographs, Austin Powers was too late by about forty years...

According to the WSJ, the above photo is from a "Second Childhood" themed party-- which wouldn't be so creepy if it didn't wind up being a massive orgy:

And for those who think that freewheeling sex and drugs didn't come into vogue until the advent of rock 'n' roll, these bright young people might have said, "Well, my dear, the orgies," before tucking into the heroin and cocaine that were as much in evidence in these circles as face powder. But although this seamy side of the era occasionally protruded into the public view in law courts and coroner's inquests, for the most part what the public heard about was pranks, larks and elaborate scavenger hunts -- outrageous fun, just enough to shock but not to appall the great British public.

The Boston Globe adds in their review of the book, entitled "Bright Young Things: The Lost Generation of London's Jazz Age":

He discusses the group's connections, style, self-image, wherewithal, employment, appetites, proclivities, and most notorious capers and parties. But, in the end, he shows that the element that really made them an entity, that defined and even created them, was the press. Various newspapers took them up in gossip columns (some written by Bright Young Persons themselves) and made of their exploits a continuing saga with familiar, recurring figures chiefly for the consumption of middle- and lower-middle-class readers. A life of a Bright Young Person became, in print, a "faintly sinister frieze, in which quiddity [was] reduced to idiosyncrasy."

Sound familiar? Wonder if your average gossip writer read the above story in yesterday's paper and had a change of heart.

The same Globe article mentions there's also a book out called "The Hell-Fire Clubs: Sex, Satanism and Secret Societies." Sadly, according to the review, it doesn't live up to its title.

The Bright Young People were also -- many of them -- part of a gay subculture that had started at Eton and continued at Oxford. So these pages are filled with charming cross-dressers and men who make up their faces and dither about it: One of them, who became Lord Faringdon in his later years, was described by an irate heterosexual as "a pansy pacifist of whose private tendencies it might be slander to speak." Faringdon once addressed the House of Lords as "my dears," instead of "my lords." This founding of a gay lifestyle seems as political in its way as the controversy over California's Proposition 8 is now. We don't want to do it your way, the Bright Young People seemed to be saying. Look what your way got us into. We want to do things our way and slip into our chiffon. [Washington Post]

Top image via the Boston Globe. Second image via the Wall Street Journal.

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Scanner Dance Party: Weekend Starts...Now

Colleen Kane — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:47:00 GMT

The following video is the best thing I've seen all month. If you are interested in getting the party started, weekend-style, then crank this up.

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Sloppy Seconds: How Kanye West is Handling the Recession

Emily Farris — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 00:41:00 GMT

The nearly naked girl Michael Phelps has been spotted with his not his girlfriend. Mmmkay? [Us]

Another one (of our potential future husbands) bites the dust. Sam Talbot, ~~winner~~ runner up from Season 2 of Top Chef got married in a secret ceremony last month, further increasing my chances of becoming the Crazy Cat Lady. [People]

If you're selling pictures you took of Amy Winehouse smoking crack, it's possible you were also smoking (or selling) crack and might go to jail. [Radar]

What does Harvey Weinstein have to say about yesterday's Golden Globe nominations? [Vulture]

Just in time for us to go all batshit on it, Facebook is now totally legit! Donald Graham, chairman and chief executive of the Washington Post Co, has agreed to join the board of directors. [Yahoo!]

Kanye West is looking for an internship. No, not an intern, an internship. [FadedYouth]

White House officials turned down Barack Obama's request to move into The Blair House—where incoming presidents usually stay before inauguration—early so that his daughters, Sasha and Malia could start school on time. We hear the Red Roof Inn is really nice, though. [NYT]

[Image]

Teacher Arrested For Possession of Drugs, Terrible Goatee

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

A highly-praised Wisconsin high school math teacher has been busted by the cops for giving out weed, shrooms, and coke to his former students at his own house parties. No wonder he received a 4.4 on Rate My Teachers...

Roger "Bring the" Payne, is a 47-year-old teach at Wauwatosa East High School in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin... but perhaps his contract will not be renewed following this unfortunate incident. Payne pulled the classic Boy George bonehead move-- he called the cops about a break-in at his home, where he happened to be in possession of marijuana. Double whoops-- they also slapped him with charges of obstruction of justice and drug trafficking.

Somebody ratted out The Roge... and they will pay. Probably a small fine, that is, since the burglar/rat took nothing with him:

The 21-year-old man accused of breaking into Payne's home tells police he partied with Payne often. He alleges the parties included marijuana, mushrooms and cocaine. The 21-year-old thought it was "wrong for a teacher to be partying with former students."

Dude... you're 21 years of age... it's wrong for you to be breaking into people's homes and then narcing on them to the fuzz. And if you think it's wrong for the teacher to have those parties, maybe you shouldn't have partaken in them and called the authorities a long time ago; you would look like so much less of a douchebag if you did.

By the way, we can speak so authoritatively on these matters because we had multiple teachers in high school who used to get us wasted-- and not on Miller High Life, okay? And although these adult males exhibited questionable judgment with regard to our health and safety, they weren't deserving of losing their jobs and going to jail for multiple years either.

Sorry for the rant. Photo and partial info via TMJ4-TV.

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Tips From A Stripper

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 20:11:00 GMT

"Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine."

We love hearing from strippers out there, so if you have advice for those of who enjoying hitting the clubs, let us know! We're kidding-- we can't afford to go to strip clubs, even ones with the free admission and $10 Milwaukee's Best...

Nonetheless, check out this great bit of advice from a stripper...

Before I met my ex-husband, and before my first kid was born, I used to do a bit of stripping at one of Richmond's fine Southside gentlemen's clubs. So I think I'm more than qualified to teach you no account fools some of the finer points of properly conducting yourselves in a strip club environment.

The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.

Ass clapping! That's our phrase of the day, people.

During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit...

Wait a minute... is she for real?

Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off!

All right, we're pretty sure she's kidding now, but this is entertaining material...

Via Jocelyn's Corner.

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:57:00 GMT

Your daily dummmy: guy who tried to pay for a lap dance with a bag of coke. The stripper was more insulted, it seems, by the fact that stuff was only worth $20:

Tualatin police arrested a man who allegedly paid for a lap dance with $20 and a baggy of cocaine.
Police spokeswoman Jennifer Massey said officers responding to a call from a bouncer found Jose Angel Bruno Melgar outside Jiggles Tavern and he acknowledged giving cocaine to the dancer.

The 19-year-old from Cornelius has been charged with cocaine possession and lodged in the Washington County jail. Massey said Monday the cocaine has a street value of $20.

This woman is a true hero. She went to a house auction to help her son purchase a home and ended up sitting next to another woman, who was crying hysterically. Turns out the crying woman's home, now foreclosed, was up for sale. The stranger bought the woman's home for 30 big ones and handed it back to her.

Did Richard Dreyfuss just say he hated working with "fascist" Oliver Stone? Actually, that's what everyone who works with Stone says about him.

A man is in jail after for hitting a cop with a beer bottle and leading the police on a high speed chase, which ultimately led to his own tasing and arrest. The best part? Laughing it off, he told the cops he didn't give a shit, since his crime was "a misdemeanor." It need not be said he is charged with several felonies.

Shut up, Dina Lohan.

You knew it was bound to happen sooner or later: a robocall done by what sounds like a sex line worker.

And one Fark headline claims "Evangelicals have sex earlier-- and more of it-- than any other religious group." Read the full story in this week's New Yorker.

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Happy Birthday: Woman Busted With 16 Grams In Her Vagina

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:52:00 GMT

You're no longer a teenager-- in fact, you've just turned 20 that very day. How do you celebrate your newfound maturity?

If you happen to be a certain woman from Maine, you drive to Massachusetts, score 16 grams of coke, stuff it all in her vagina, then drive back home with a wanted criminal who doesn't even know how to spell the word "Jonathan."

We're serious about the name thing:

Sans was stopped Oct. 25 at 6 p.m. for driving 69 miles per hour on a 45-mile-per-hour stretch of Interstate 95, and when asked by Trooper Chris Storm to identify himself, he said his name was Jonathan Brackett, state police prosecutor Diane Dubay testified in the District Court Monday. When asked to spell the name, Sans spelled Jonathan, “Jothan,” said Dubay.

With Sans was birthday girl Alicia Kelly, who gave up the dope while she was being booked. Why did Alicia confess to having dope when she wasn't even charged with any crime beforehand? Dumbass Sans again, for no reason at all, gave them up:

Dubay testified that after Sans was read his Miranda rights, he told the trooper he was paid $100 to drive a couple to Massachusetts specifically to buy cocaine.

We look forward to more incompetence from these kooks in 2047, when they'll likely all be paroled...

Via Seacoast Online.

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Groupie Shocked To Find Out Pop Music Douche Used Her For Her Body

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 15:07:00 GMT

An eighteen-year-old girl somehow managed to get backstage at a major pop music concert, apparently without knowing anything about what groupies are and what purpose they serve for selfish, misogynist, and decadent music stars.

She apparently didn't know that the scenes backstage often involve drugs or sex... usually both and at the same time, if possible...

Kate Costello, of Melbourne, has hopefully learned something about what happens to people (especially men, we have to admit) when a little power and glory gets in the way of their supposed maturity. Among the crimes this celebrity, whose name we will reveal momentarily, committed in his short involvement with Ms. Costello:

promises to help boost her singing career
he also sent dirty text messages to the young girl while he was trying to get bizay in the boudoir. “I can't wait to have your naked body lying next to mine." He wrote. [Yes, they actually used the word "bizay" in a feature news story.]
she said he only met her needs with a steady string of pill popping and powder snorting. "There were so many drugs. There was this silver platter of drugs, every drug you could think of: cocaine, MDMA, K (ketamine, a tranquiliser used on horses), hash..." [wait, she knows what those drugs are... but still she's surprised to find them in a "rock" star's dressing room?]

Costello caught him in bed with another woman at a hedonistic Ibiza party – and was then ordered to leave within five minutes.

Thus of us who have ever seen Almost Famous or read a single article about music would have seen these lines for the bullshit they are, even if we were an innocent eighteen-year-old. Sorry, Kate, you won't get much sympathy from us. Live and learn, we say. However, James Blunt will get a huge beatdown if we ever come across him in some dark alley. (So, in a sense, one way of looking at this is to say: that's what she gets for hanging out with the maker of some of the worst music in recent history.)

Via LiveNews.

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Mom Gets Five Years In Prison For Going Down On Her Daughter's Friend

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:21:00 GMT

A woman in Ohio has been sentenced to five years in jail for having oral sex with her daughter's underage female friend.

Oh, but it gets so, so much better...

Becky Jo Tatum, 42, was arrested recently for going down on the girl at a wild, drug-fueled party for her teenage daughter at their home in Bexley. When police raided the party, they found a shotgun, cocaine, and an underage female who had been Tatum's sex partner. (The age of consent in Ohio, by the way, is 16.)

Tatum was booked for posession of cocaine, sex with a minor, and on weapons charges. Tatum is not allowed to own or carry guns because she had prior drug and prostitution convictions on her record. Wow. These must've been some parties...

So, we're guessing, that might be why she ends up with a whopping five years behind bars-- it ain't just the oral sex that brought down her empire...

Via WTVN.

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Woman Arrested For Smuggling Cocaine In Inappropriate Place

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:00:00 GMT

...don't say the backseat of a Volkswagen...

We've all heard that all the US $100 bills in circulation have been tainted by cocaine... but did you know about the cocaine that's tainted by vagina?

According to Guanabee:

Luiza Caetano de Lima, a 29-year-old Brazilian cook, was arrested for carrying 350 grams of cocaine in her vaginal cavity. She was intercepted on a bus on the Paraguayan border. Sadly, this ruined her plan of dropping off the drugs into a garbage can in some border town, where it would later be picked up by someone else. Presumably while wearing gloves?

Honestly, our main issue here is how the hell anyone figured out she had coke in her vagina? Did the cops just get tipped off about her and did a full-on strip search? We would think that staring up a woman's private parts would be the point where customs says, "You know what, how many grams could be up there, this isn't worth humiliating someone for?"

Perhaps the original story, which we can't read, could shed more light. Image via Blogger Digest.

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Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 21:01:00 GMT

God was arrested for dealing cocaine outside of a church in Florida. For real. [YBNBY]

Holy Steve Holt! A big-screen version of Arrested Development is being planned for next year. [Times Online]

Women with long nails are really annoyed at the designers of the iPhone, and their misogynist touch pad. [Yahoo! Tech]

Is Kobe Bryant to blame for Shaquille O'Neal's failing marriage? Or is it Shaq's bad rapping? [TMZ]

Is anyone surprised that Amy Winehouse is still smoking even after she's been diagnosed with pre-emphysema? [Us]

Good thing Anne Hathaway got away from her billionaire BF when she did. He's been arrested on charges of fraud, money laundering and conspiracy to commit wire fraud. Wonder what it would cost to bail a billionaire out of jail? [People]

Wow, watch one of the super happy "pregnancy pact" girls with her boyfriend (who looks just like Adrian Brody!) talk to Good Morning America. There was no pact! [MollyGood]

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Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 15:11:00 GMT

Well, really Amy Winehouse looks pretty great there so that's probably not effective. She looks so great, you wouldn't know she has emphysema.

That's right, kids. According to her father, Winehouse is in the early stages of emphysema.

"With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up," Mitch Winehouse tells the Sunday Mirror in the U.K. "There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She's got 70 percent lung capacity."

That's some nasty shit. We watched our grandmother die of it, more than 20 years after she quit smoking, so we hope this serves as a wake-up call to the singer.

Her father, Mitch, believes it is.

"When we got to the hospital a room was ready," Mitch Winehouse tells the newspaper. "Several doctors came in and checked to make sure she didn't need any emergency treatment. They put her on a drip straight away because she was dehydrated. She said, 'Don't worry about me, dad. I know I've got to stop taking drugs now.'"

We'll believe it when we see it, but here's hoping Mitch is right so she can save that lovely voice and make a few more albums before she loses her shit for good.

[People: Dad: Amy Winehouse in Early Stages of Emphysema]

Video of the Day: Welcome Back, Clinton

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:30:00 GMT

Once again, we were unable to embed the video of the day-- damn you, internet.

This one's a musical number-- to the tune of "Welcome Back," the theme from "Welcome Back, Kotter," that Gabe Kaplan vehicle Travolta pulled out from under him. Anyway, this is about Bill and Hillary's return to the White House from a long summer away.

With this "technology," we could probably get away with a lot of Photoshoppin' shenanigans... anyone wanna make us a video where McCain has an orgy of beer, blonds, and blow?

Via YesButNoButYes.

New N.E.R.D. Single Reminds Us That "Everybody Nose" What You're Doing in the Bathroom

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:00:00 GMT

The "Everybody Nose" video would have you believe Pharrell nose what Lindsay Lohan was up to when she fell off the wagon at Times Square's Hawaiian Tropic Zone last Saturday.

It's Last Night's Party but a little less explicitly about coke. Video after the jump.

Everybody Nose
Uploaded by yardie4lifever2

I Love Blow! Because, Really, How Could You Not?

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 13 May 2008 17:05:00 GMT

The website for the energy drink Blow is filled with photos of coke whores and allusions to elicit drug use which, though unseemly, is a great marketing tool. People love drugs!

Blow the energy drink comes in a vial and, like real drugs, is pissing people off. For example, the scraggly-haired woman in this news segment.

She clearly is not having enough fun, in general. Don't people understand that getting heated ("Can you spell exploitation of children?!") and being shrewish over a stupid marketing campaign only makes people want to disagree with you? Now we've got to side with the lame gimmick drink just to distance ourselves from its crazy-ass critics.

Police Shoot "Drug Dealer" 5 Times, Find No Drugs

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:55:00 GMT

As Congress moves to debate Barney Frank's bill to legalize marijuana for medical purposes, a man in Little Rock, Arkansas is recovering from an incident in the ongoing War on Drugs that left him with five bullet wounds, charges for assault and dealing, barely able to walk, unable to work, and with a bad case of post-traumatic stress disorder. On top of that, all the facts in the case point to his complete innocence...

But that's just the half of it...

Tracy Ingle, 40, was sleeping in his Little Rock home when police with a no-knock warrant barreled through his front door. Instinctively, Ingle reached for his pistol and was promptly shot five times. In the ensuing debacle, police, who had suspected Ingle of running a drug operation out of his house, tore the place apart and found no drugs and no evidence of an illegal operation.

Best of all, Ingle's gun didn't even work-- it was "broken," according to a reporter, showing that he "had no intention of killing anyone." Here's a further list of tragedies that befell Ingle:

1) Ingle was taken from the hospital, where he was in intensive care, and taken to the local police station for four hours of questioning. Again, no drugs had been found in the raid and no drugs ever were found.

2) Ingle was in jail for four days. While in jail, he was supposed to have someone change his wounds every couple of hours. Ingle told the Arkansas Times the wounds were changed twice in the entire time he was locked up, leaving him infected all over.

3) The police claim, however, that a scale and several small bags found in Ingle's house were evidence enough of a nasty drug cartel, and the judge agreed, slapping Ingle with $250,000 for bail. Ingle's sister: Those things are for my jewelry-making business, you idiots.

4) In order to pay that outrageous bail, Ingle was forced to sell his car. He walked two miles on crutches to his most recent hearing.

5) One of the five bullets officers fired is stuck near Ingle's heart and will never be removed.

Currently, the case is at a standstill, with each side lacking the evidence to go after the other. Ingle's defense fell apart recently when his neighbor, who allegedly witnessed the entire incident, caved to police pressure after four hours of questioning and changed his story. Ingle, meanwhile, is attempting to raise money for his defense (and perhaps a possible million-dollar civil suit) by raising money via Paypal.

The War on Drugs rages on...

Read the full story in Reason Magazine.

"Hey, Yo, You Need Blue Tops? I Got Fresh, Minty Blue Tops?"

Bryan Christian — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Perhaps you've already heard about Icebreakers Pacs, the powdered breath freshener that comes in small colored bags and looks exactly like 5-to-10 for possession and intent to distribute? Well, we hadn't -- until a coworker broke some out in the cube next to us, and holy crap, we were all like "Woah, dude, you got a problem!" Very quickly, he explained that he was only freshening up his breath, and as is customary in situations like these, offered us a sample of the product. Swear to God, when we were examining the packets -- which are designed to dissolve on your tongue -- a bit leaked out of an inadvertently open corner, leaving us with an incriminating little dribble in our mustache like we were Neil Young in The Last Waltz.

Now, far be it from us to condemn Hershey's and the Halitosis Industrial Complex for bringing their tendency to package breath fresheners in increasingly drug-like delivery systems to a crass and distressing new level.

All we're saying is: if you're hosting a "Goodbye, The Wire" party this weekend, we think we've found something for the coffee table.

[img via Reason Magazine]

This Week in Gayness: Desperation, Post V-Day

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 18:33:00 GMT

Karl Rove didn't realize his stepdad was gay. How long before he comes out of the closet in some bizarre, McCain-style sex scandal?

A really, really, really, really desperate guy wrote "I Need A Man or A Date" on his t-shirt, along with his phone number, and was kicked out of a gym for it.

Larry Sinclair, the almost certain fraud who accused Obama of cocaine/crack/gay sex, is whining some more and probably changed his story from a 2003 interview.

Kathy Griffin apparently has some sort of "gay games night." We're not gay, but we RSVP'd yes to her e-vite.

A ban on teaching about gay stuff in Tennessee has fallen short of the required votes.

Rupert Everett is no fan of gay pride.

And some homosexuals in Israel believe a recent earthquake there was caused by homosexual activity. United still has seats available on flights today, folks...

Man Claims He Had Sex With Obama In 1999

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 01:24:00 GMT

We're warning you now, this video is creepy as hell. And probably a total fraud, since the guy is way too rehearsed and completely unemotional. (Why is he even telling people this and why is he blabbing now?)

Larry Sinclair, who doesn't even bother to explain how he came to even meet then-State Rep. Barack Obama in Chicago in '99, has filed a lawsuit against the Obama campaign for infringing on his right to free speech. He seems to be doing a pretty good job of running his mouth in the above YouTube video, which has been viewed by hundreds of thousands and is being rightfully ignored outside the gossip blogs.

Obama, meanwhile, is looking into rumors that Hillary Clinton's staff has been in contact with Sinclair recently. Of course, they won't find anything and if they do, they would still have to keep it to themselves, lest the MSM (the Mainstream Media, 'scuse us) pick up on it and damage his chances in the next couple days.

In other Obama news, he is looking like a big winner in Wisconsin today and might even pull off an upset in Texas on March 4. Stay tuned... and please post comments on anything you hear on this developing story.

COD is OD for Quiet Riot Singer

Bryan Christian — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 14:28:00 GMT

Looks like not everyone in rock and roll grows old as gracefully as John Paul Jones, who wowed everyone at the Zep concert the other day by wearing a decent shirt, looking pretty much normal for his age, and still playing better than ever. Turns out that when Quiet Riot singer Kevin Dubrow died last month, he had cocaine in his system, leading coroners to suspect he died of an accidental overdose -- and leading us to ask: seriously, is there not, like, a rule in the great book of R'n'F'n'R stating that if you're doing hard drugs in your fifties (YOUR FIFTIES!), you're gonna wind up buying the farm at 5 in the AM in your Vegas home wearing boxers and a wifebeater and watching reruns of "Cheaters"?

Class Act 50 Cent Postpones Snorting Coke For Croatian TV Interview

Bryan Christian — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 16:59:00 GMT

Who knew Fitty was such a fan of the press?

If This Ain't the Best Sex Scandal of the Year, It'll Do Till The Best Sex Scandal of the Year Gets Here

Bryan Christian — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 17:15:00 GMT

Goldenfiddle brings us a most comprehensive look at our candidate for the celebrity sex scandal to beat for 2007. Don't let the fact that you probably don't know who the hell Sophie Anderton is get in the way.

Brit reality tv bird Sophie Anderton has been caught on video packing her beak and stripping for sex in a secret hotel rendezvous with a News of the World journalist complete dickwad who was posing as an American biznessman.

For those of you who aren't down with the English-type lingo used here, "packing her beak" means "doing drugs via her nose" and "News of the World" means "journalistically-questionable, definitely-NSFW pics in the clickthrough, so you can't say you haven't been warned." (We have no idea what "stripping for sex" means.)

Going over Sophie's Wikipedia page, she seems like a genuinely troubled gal, so we wish her all the best and hope she gets her life together as soon as possible. But in the meantime, from the bottom of our hearts: thank you, Sophie, for following through on the promise that was so roundly abandoned by your Monarchy.

UK to US: Bicycle Sex Way Worse Than Coke

Bryan Christian — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 20:04:00 GMT

Robert Stewart, bon vivant and fucker des bicyclettes, has been sentenced to 3 years probabtion for his heinous crimes against humanity and aluminum alloy frames. In addition to probation, Stewart will be listed on a sex offender registry, where we can only hope that his name will feature an asterisk depicting his crime. (That's in Zapf Dingbats, right?)

Meanwhile, in the good old U S of A, some washed-up starlet served less time for getting busted with coke than it takes for most dealers to call you back. Ha ha! Take that Englishers! No wonder we stormed the beach at Boston to move our country further away from you!

Hey, semi-tangentially: what's the best song about cocaine? Because we're pretty sure there's only one good song about intercourse with a bike.

The Sextape There's, Like, a 2 in 5 Chance We Want to See

Bryan Christian — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 16:30:00 GMT

Maybe Sunday or Monday, you guys heard about this whole "somebody tried to blackmail the royal family" story, and were eagerly awaiting cocaine- and sextape-laden updates throughout the week? We sure were. And what did we get? Nothing. Nada. Bupkis. In fact, there's so little evidence of the story ever even existing, we're wondering if Dr. Mierzwiak hasn't been fumbling around with our lobes a little. (We know: British H.R.H.'s get all sorts of cool perks, like anonymity in the press and other things that could kill a story like this. But still!)

So, in the interest of posterity, be sure and check out the above article, and here's the original from which it's based. Also, for novelty's sake, here are Google caches of two polls (1, 2) on the NY Post's website which ask "Which Royal made the tape?" Of particular note is the absence on the list of possibilities of Prince Andrew aka Randy Andy, who's apparently had a bit of a reputation for some time, but didn't make the cut. Also of note: looks like they eventually decided to take The Queen off the list of possible culprits. Which we're guessing is less a matter of regret or external pressure and more their realizing: who needs an Elizabeth II sextape when Helen Mirren's still around?