Scanner : cnn

Anderson Cooper's Mom Likes The Dirty Talk

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:16:00 GMT

I, Scanner Brian, used to live in a room in one of the old Vanderbilt mansions-- and let me just say, it was no help in getting laid. What was once a family gem had turned into a wrecking ball-ready hellhole, with peeling paint, nails sticking out of the walls and staircases, windows that wouldn't open or close, and walls that would shake with every passing subway car-- the subway stop being right under my window. Girlfriends who would stay the night early in the romance managed to evade staying over there for up to two years after, despite our continued relationships.

Apparently, it worked wonders for Gloria Vanderbilt-- then again, she probably never lived in that building-- as her new X-rated novel is full of healthy sexual adventures. Vanderbilt, the mother of CNN's Anderson Cooper, is 85-years-old...

Vanderbilt, whose past sexual conquests were Frank Sinatra, Sidney Lumet, and Wyatt Cooper (Anderson's Dad, of course), is out with a book entitled Obsession: An Erotic Tale. At 143 pages, it is, as the Post's Andrea Peyser has already mentioned, "easily read with one hand."

I will begin, softly at first so that you can sleep a few more minutes, the long, slow, delicious process of licking your ----, and since I must have your honey milk . . . I will struggle to stay quiet . . . Master, I whisper as you surrender to our ecstasy."

Dare I suggest to be placed fully dressed over our favorite ottoman . . . That done, placed over your knees, skirt lifted, begging you not to restrain yourself in giving my flesh the serious whacking I deserve. An ebony, smooth-backed hairbrush -- most appropriate. The Mason-Pearson are considered the finest, and it would be no trouble, while you are in London, to pick one up of a heft that pleases you at Harrods.

Ludicrous or luscious? You tell us.

The 85-year-old socialite mom of Anderson Cooper says her X- rated novel, "Obsession: An Erotic Tale," came straight out of her subconscious as she slept. "It was all surreal, and then I channeled it onto pages," she told The Post's Georgett Roberts at the Na tional Arts Club gala for Joyce Carol Oates. The steamy read, first revealed this week by Andrea Peyser, is about "sex on many levels -- emotion ally, mentally and physical as well," she said. "Yes, it's graphic -- it's an erotic novel!"

When we asked Vanderbilt if she still has sex, she let out a long, loud laugh, then uttered, "No comment." [NY Post]

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America's Next Topless Model Is... The Judge

Did Someone at CNN Put Crack in His Wheaties or: Is CNN Turning into Scanner?

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 19:18:00 GMT

One of these headlines is not like the other:

The video is just as hilarious.

Related:

CNN Says "Free Sarah Palin!"

Today In Embarrassing Headlines: CNN's "Run, Drink, Vomit"

While You Were Sleeping: The Wrestler And That Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

CNN looks at one convicted murderer's life after DNA vindication.

The Obamas announced what kind of puppy they're going to get. My, they are drawing this out like a Stephen King serial novel, aren't they?

High School Fight Club didn't turn out to be as funny as the movie.

A New Jersey beauty queen was arrested for counterfeiting... beware the frightening pictures of the other two culprits!

Was this a brilliant bank robbery or what? Let's hope there's a movie in the works.

Ryanair hates bloggers... although, in the company's defense, they do have their reasons.

Anna Paquin is dating her True Blood co-star.

That awesome fake vintage video game in The Wrestler? It's real... unfortunately, it's not for sale... yet.

And does this Leonard Cohen "poem" in the New Yorker mean he's working on new songs?

Top 10 Breakup Songs

Is This Another Murder-Coverup of a Black Man?

Penis, Penis, Peanuts

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:09:00 GMT

With some British accents, we often think we hear the word "penis" on a constant basis.

Basically, whenever a British broadcaster says "peon," "peanuts," or "tasty ballpark weiners," we could swear they said "penis." It turns out, we're right-- at least in this case. Watch a CNN reporter make our morning by saying the word twice in 27-seconds... and say it for real.

Yes, yes, we're immature little children, we know.

Facebook Quickly Becoming the Raging Cesspool MySpace, Friendster Could Only Hope to Be

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 18:48:00 GMT

Have you seen this message on Facebook: "[Friend's Name Here] is in serious trouble!!!"

Most likely, it's a Nigerian scammer talking...

Here's a report from America's most distrusted source of fake news, finally writing about something we care about while it's still happening:

"Bryan NEEDS HELP URGENTLY!!!"
His online friends saw the message and came to his aid. Some posted concerned messages on his public profile -- "What's happening????? What do you need?" one wrote. Another friend, Beny Rubinstein, got a direct message saying Rutberg had been robbed at gunpoint in London and needed money to get back to the United States.
So, trying to be a good friend, Rubinstein wired $1,143 to London in two installments, according to police in Bellevue, Washington.
Meanwhile, Rutberg was safe at home in Seattle.

Beny is such a great guy and a super friend, he's not even furious about his friend having fallen for a phising e-mail or having a weak password, causing him to lose his life savings. He's just glad that he didn't lose his friend Bryan Rutberg.

Several of our friends have changed their status updates to say: "Don't send me money" or "Someone hacked my account-- I'm not in trouble, I'm here at my shit job, as usual." Has anyone else had an experience like this?

Via CNN.

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Scanner Roundtable: What Are You Doing to Celebrate?

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

So today is pretty much the biggest day in all our lives (except for falling in love and having babies and all of those other things other people do). What are you doing to commemorate it?

Over the weekend, Scanner Sister and I went to an "Inaugural Ball" at a local bar and grill. And tonight I'm having people over for a Ball/Potluck. Everyone has to wear either formal attire or dress like an iconic American. I'm DVR'ing CNN and CSPAN all day so we can watch everything all over again tonight. I even got a fancy Nancy Reagan-like vintage gown to wear. I might wear with cowboy boots.

How will you celebrate?

(And are you staying home all day to catch all the festivities on CNN/CSPAN?)

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Is A Big, Whiny Phony

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

A teacher kissed his sixteen-year-old student three times, his wife found out, and he resigned his position. Then, whoops, it turned out he hadn't done anything illegal.

That investment adviser who tried to fake his own death via plane crash was caught in Florida.

Guess which television personality said this to Kate Winslet: "I love the fact that you have real breasts?" Conan? Bill O'Reilly? Sean Hannity?

Kate Winslet was on Oprah today, and Ms. Winfrey made a point of talking about the sexually explicit flick The Reader. "In all the scenes, your breasts do what real breasts do," Oprah mused.

"I love the fact that you have real breasts," Oprah gushed to Kate... "God bless your real breasts." Kate, ever the good sport, said, "Thank you," and the audience burst into applause as the two women clasped hands in a real-breast-love-fest. [Jezebel]

Is this the first arrest via Facebook?

STD rates continue to climb, in spite of brave CNN's noble efforts to alert us.

The parents of Drew Peterson's girlfriend sound way too nonchalant about this. Whatever happened to a baseball bat and a loud "you stay away from my daughter, you hear?!"

Even pointing out what a lying idiot Sarah Palin is has become an utter waste of time, since she won't even acknowledge it when every one of her accusations turn out to be bullshit.

For a stupid Nike commercial masquerading as a YouTube video, this is pretty funny-- although we still could care less about Taylor Momsen, whoever that is. (To offset the fact that we're basically linking to an ad, you should buy Reebok or any other brand instead.)

Photo of Taylor Momsen via Gawker.

Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Chloe Sevigny Would Like More Topless Sex Scenes, Please

Scanner Emily vs. Sarah Palin

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Sarah Palin hates me. So much so that she recently slammed me (and a few of my friends and colleagues if I'm being honest here) in Esquire.

"Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me….I'll tell you, yesterday the Anchorage Daily News, they called again to ask — double-, triple-, quadruple-check — who is Trig's real mom,” she said, in an interview to be published in the magazine’s March issue.

Perhaps she thinks "Emily Farris" is a pseudonym, or maybe she was alluding to the whole "Scanner Emily" thing, because the bored, pathetic, lying part is right on.

Let's take a little trip down memory lane to September 5, 2008:

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Or perhaps our September 2 story was more your style:

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

What about October 4?

Sarah Palin Was not the First Chick to Fire an Automatic Weapon in a Bikini

Hey, at least there was some truth in our coverage of the election on October 7:

Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as Foreign Policy Experience

[CNN Politicker: Palin slams 'bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie']

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Crushing News

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

The Black Crowes are taking recording back to the era of the basement-- the basement tapes, that is. They'll perform four sold-out concerts at Levon Helm's house and use them for their next record.

Watch Richard Simmons, our personal hero, attack a CNN interviewer's foot live on air.

A four-year-old boy named Nathan Beavers shot his eighteen-year-old male babysitter for...? Ha-- you guessed wrong-- Beavers shot the babysitter for stepping on his foot.

Gaza kids spoke out about how the violence has ruined their lives.

John Travolta's kid's death was caused by a seizure disorder. (Damn, all this sad news about children today-- if anyone hears about a kid sending his allowance to Darfur, let us know.)

Patricia Arquette is getting divorced. Rihanna is getting engaged. And, as we've already mentioned, Jennifer Love Hewitt isn't getting married...

...and Lindsay Lohan is allegedly done with Samantha Ronson. Think she got dumped?

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While You Were Sleeping: Your Shopping Bag Is Sexist, Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Are you guys doing the inaugural? Good luck surviving the stampede.

The nitwit who dared to have sex on a beach in Dubai spoke out about his ordeal. (Not the sex-- the other ordeal.)

Bet you'll never guess why a man shot and killed a sex shop worker... oh wait, you will, and likely on the first try:

A man has shot and wounded a saleswoman in a Russian sex shop after the impotence tablets he bought failed to have the desired effect. [stuff.co.nz]

Ellie Nesler, the woman who killed her son's (accused) child molester, died.

Did your 2008 pass by in what felt like forty seconds? It will again, thanks to this snazzy video.

We rejoice at the sight of CNN giving out love advice because it just makes us look way more qualified than we really are.

This "sexy" (and sexist?) shopping bag "might put you in jail," according this blog.

Counterfeiters aren't even trying to make their money look real anymore, they're so desperate to have anything to pay with.

And Zooey Deschanel-- sniff, sniff-- is off the market, thanks to (Mystery Boyfriend Revealed) Ben Gibbard, of Death Cab For Cutie.

While You Were Sleeping: Mexican Beauty Queen Stripped... Of Her Title

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Players and connoisseurs of music, Thelonious Monk's advice on playing in his band is an essential look at a mad genius.

Never been kissed? These kooks hadn't either, so they decided to make out in public and then tell the Daily News their real names.

Courtney Love and the Kardashians are at war...

Courtney Love faces possible legal action after accusing socialite Kim Kardashian's brother Rob of punching one of her gay employees.
In an angry rant on her MySpace page written on Wednesday, Love alleged that Kardashian's brother Rob Jr. broke the nose of her employee while calling him a "faggot" in September.

Love writes: "Rob Jr. cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my guy was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside Hyde lounge."

Talk about adding insult to injury: not only is he named Mike Hunt, but the internet makes fun of his name when he's murdered.

At last, CNN does something good with its website: it reports on a 17-year-old Maryland kid who heard about violence against Sudanese women who go looking for firewood and decided to raise money to send them stoves.

The war between Lindsay Lohan and her father, and her father and Samantha Ronson, rages on.

A Mexican beauty queen lost her title after getting caught up in a drug sweep.

$100,000 worth of cashews were stolen in Sydney yesterday.

And rumors involving the possible engagement of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen turn out to have been false (we think.)

While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:01:00 GMT

A woman who selflessly built homes for Katrina victims is CNN's Hero of the Year, an award which is obviously way cooler than Time's Person of the Year.

However, you look at it, this company is in deep shit: a radio station is being sued after a Win A Date With A Great Guy contest ended in the unlucky winner being raped. One commenter: "Is the radio station [really] responsible for doing a through criminal background check? What's a 24 year old woman dating a 46 year old man anyway?" Answers: possibly and we have no clue whatsoever.

Here it is, the annual annoying survey of the Top 10 stars you'd like to invite over for Thanksgiving...

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Tina Fey
3. Ellen DeGeneres + Portia De Rossi
4. Patrick Dempsey
5. Suri Cruise
6. Tyra Banks
7. Jonas Brothers
8. Keira Knightley
9. Beyonce Knowles
10. Robert Pattinson

Barack Obama joked he's going to throw his "weight around" regarding college football playoff rules. Isn't it great to have a President(-elect) whose kidding doesn't make you scream in horror?

Remember that big Hollywood wiretap scandal involving Tom Cruise and some other celebrities? The culprit was sentenced to three years in prison.

Biden does appear to be setting up his Senate seat for his son to take over in 2010.

93% of respondents to a Fark survey said they prefer real boobs to fake ones. Duh. It would've been more of a story if the question was, "Which do you prefer: small natural boobs or big enhanced boobs?"

And you could win a $500 gift card to Ikea and a date with one of the guys from Pavement.

Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

Not To Be Outdone, Sunday School Teacher Gets In On The Jailbait Action

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Who Will Be the First to Interview President Obama?

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:39:00 GMT

You may have thought Scanner Brian would be the first to snag an interview with our new president, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, one of those fancy "real" news outlets beat us to it.

"60 Minutes" will get the first interview with President Elect Obama and our soon-to-be First Lady, Michelle Obama.

The interview is scheduled to take place with Steve Kroft today and it will air this Sunday at 7. So set your TiVo and invite us over. We'll bring the casserole.

[CBS: President-Elect Obama On 60 Minutes Sunday]

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[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Blake-Fielder Civil Escapes (More) Prison (Time)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 22:25:00 GMT

Patrick Dempsey didn't dig the doc firing on Grey's Anatomy. Perhaps he knows something we don't about ABC's true motives?

This guy will either be dead or a legend by 27.

Eddie Izzard made the really dumb decision, as he is not a US citizen, to donate to Obama. He made an even dumber one when he admitted to doing so on CNN.

Michael Crichton died of cancer, a battle which was kept entirely private.

Who gave 50 Cent a reality show? Jesus Christ. Well, at least it's a positive show for a change.

And Amy Winehouse's husband ("Blakey," we think his name is) was released from jail after a year of hell... or, if you're married to Amy Winehouse, womb-like bliss.

10-Year-Old Boy Is the Lone Protester of Nude Sunbathing

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Ron Clark Academy Students Almost Restored Our Faith in the Democratic Process

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 18:40:00 GMT

Only one more day left until the election and these Ron Clark Academy students are going to rap us through it to the tune of TI's "Whatever You Like." Video from CNN below. Prepare to have this song in your head for the rest of the day and to maybe die of an overdose on adorable.

While You Were Sleeping: The Sexy Mrs. Freddy Kreuger

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:16:00 GMT

We can picture it: a Cleopatra movie starring Catherine Zeta-Jones as the title character and Hugh Jackman as Marc Antony. But a musical? And directed by Steven Soderbergh?

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClelan endorsed Obama on D.L. Hughley's new show. John McCain really needs a high profile endorsement soon-- really, he needs just about anything and everything soon to turn this thing around. Some observers think McCain could be down to funds of only one million dollars a day... you don't even want to know how that compares to Obama's staggering total.

Although we suspect it to be an exaggeration, this is nonetheless the most shocking HIV scare story we can recall...

Students at a suburban St. Louis high school headed to the gymnasium for HIV testing this week after an infected person told health officials as many as 50 teenagers might have been exposed to the virus that causes AIDS.
Officials refused to give details on who the person was or how the students at Normandy High School might have been exposed...
A teacher in a neighboring district singled out a girl who dates someone at Normandy High and instructed her to get tested, Hochstedler said. A competing school's football team initially balked at playing Normandy's 8-0 team.
Jasmine Lane, a 16-year-old sophomore, said her boyfriend from a neighboring high school broke up with her on learning of the news -- after she bought them tickets to homecoming.
"I cried so hard," she said.

There's nothing positive about this story whatsoever. It has the potential to be an explosive, ongoing saga... we'll keep you posted. (Jasmine, we'll totally fly to St. Louis to go to the homecoming with you.)

Yet another downer: a woman was sentenced to forty years in prison. Her crime? Lighting her boyfriend on fire. His? Not beating up the guy who was checking her out.

Anne Hathaway's ex was sentenced yesterday...

A dashing Italian conman who went out with Hollywood actress Anne Hathaway was sentenced by a court in New York on Thursday to four and a half years in prison for fraud. [Yahoo!]

Note to crackheads: it's easy to get busted for faking crack prescriptions... since there's no such thing as a crack prescription.

And this Halloween costume is pretty stupid. Although, we have to admit, Freddy Kreuger has great taste in women.

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Because It Isn't Halloween Until a Dog Is Wearing a Tiara

While You Were Sleeping: Playboy Kills the DVD

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 15:06:00 GMT

Rudy Ray Moore, aka "Dolemite," passed away.

Billy Baldwin's co-star says his wife is a lucky man because Baldwin is one helluva kisser. This is his transsexual mistress-playing co-star, which makes it all the better.

Good Lord, Tom Arnold is absolutely wasted in this video... how ever did it get on the airwaves? Even if those airwaves are over the internet?

Thanks, Elizabeth!

Sorry, Londoners: Paris Hilton is considering a move to your turf.

Gillian Anderson gave birth to her third child.

CNN's breaking news this morning: Americans are angry, stressed. We also just found out that Americans enjoy alcoholic beverages, vehicles, and vast sums of money. Thanks, CNN.

And Playboy has said it will discontinue the DVD in favor of online-only content.

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Why Will This Baby Picture Go for $8-12K at Christie's?

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 17:51:00 GMT

Hint: it's not only because it was shot by Diane Arbus.

What, you don't recognize those luscious lips? That perfect nose? We guess it's a little hard to tell without the blue eyes and silver hair...

Why, it's Anderson Cooper, baby! Rather, it's baby Anderson Cooper! And he can be all yours for approximately $10,000.

[Christie's]

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While You Were Sleeping: Amy Winehouse's Scientology Cure

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 13:59:00 GMT

Today in CNN discoveries: thrift stores get a lot of business from the middle class... and hipsters.

Paris Bennett, who has something to do with American Idol, gave birth in the United States to a daughter she calls Egypt.

Even Willem Dafoe is feeling the housing crunch...

Willem Dafoe is having trouble selling his house in upstate Accord for $850,000. "It is clad in neoprene, the stuff they make wetsuits out of," says his neighbor, author Bruce Littlefield [NY Post]

Barack Obama leads John McCain... in Halloween sales.

Nonetheless, he shouldn't get cocky and listen to Michael Dukakis.

Drew Barrymore weighs in.

And Amy Winehouse is rumored to be seriously considering a Scientology-run detox program:

One of Amy’s inner circle tells me: “She had a call from the celebrity branch of the Church Of Scientology. She thinks they got her number through one of the American music producers who worked on her Back to Black album. They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a programme so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential centre. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.” [Mirror]

Today in WTF: Endorsed By...

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

CNN Discovers Why Men Cheat (Gasp! It's About Their Feelings)

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:50:00 GMT

Second only to the New York Times for being last to figure out what's going on Planet Earth, the Cable News Network is not exactly known for breaking cultural news or actually telling us anything we don't already know. So it's no surprise that they've taken to publishing Oprah.com's columns on their website in lieu of doing their own fact-finding...

...and the results are predictable.

Among the shock revelations:

"It's not about blaming the wife. It can't be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It's wrong. And you can't justify it,"

Okay so far...

What's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex.
"The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures..."

Like BJ's and letting him film your threesome.

Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife."

We're sorry, but you were insecure? And Oprah is letting this guy get a free ride?! We're sorely disappointed.

Men have a winning mentality.

Except when they're cheating losers.

"Does he have ownership in the team? It looks like that. But as long as they're in the game, even to the very end, they'll watch. Once it's a blowout and they know their team can't win, television goes off. And what a lot of men will say to me through this research is, 'I just felt like I couldn't win.'"

A sports metaphor for talking about men? Please, go on for a few more paragraphs like this, it isn't tiresome or cliche at all...

For the first five years of his marriage, AJ says things were rocky with his wife, Janet. "We got to the point where we were really living in separate parts of the house. I went downstairs every time I came home from work..."

The Oprah guru goes on to say AJ eventually cheated on his wife. Honestly, we're not sure the word "cheated" is appropriate, though technically correct, in this case. You were living in separate wings of the house? Unless AJ is a cover for "William J. Clinton," we're pretty sure this guy's marriage was going to end anyway...

But maybe you have a different opinion. Hating on CNN and this stupid story? Not debatable, sorry.

Via CNN Living.

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CNN Says "Free Sarah Palin!"

Emily Farris — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:15:00 GMT

Before McCain suspended his campaign yesterday, CNN's Campbell Brown called on McCain to "free Sarah Palin" from the "sexist barrier" his advisors have created between her and the media. If she's tough enough to be vice-president, she can surely hold her own with all the big, bad reporters, right?

Video after the jump...

[Via Daily Intel]

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Sarah Palin Thinks Global Warming Is Polar Bear Sh*t

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This Week In Gayness: Guys Making Out On CNN

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 14:04:00 GMT

Howard Dean and the DNC in the case of a gay man who is suing for wrongful termination will have to go to trial after mediation failed. Donald Hitchcock was fired after his boyfriend wrote a letter criticizing the DNC's policies on LGBT issues.

The wave of the future: about two-thirds of Americans under 35 are in favor of gay marriage.

As Scanner Emily told you yesterday, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson attacked Sarah Palin for being a media obsessed homophobe in dual blog postings...

I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin.

I couldn't be more supportive of a woman in office, but let's face it, it comes down to the person, and their beliefs, male or female.

Is it a sin to be gay? Should it be a sin to be straight? Or to use birth control? Or to have sex before marriage? Or even to have a child out of wedlock?

I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor. Which is probably all she is qualified to be... Also interesting that she got her passport in 2006... [Read the full post here]

As if the Catholic Church doesn't have enough problems attracting new members, now they're sacking longtime followers who turn out to be gay.

Wearing matching white tuxedo jackets and marching down the aisle together to a song from A Chorus Line, Star Trek's Mr. Sulu, George Takei, married his boyfriend of 21 years in a lavish Buddhist ceremony in California. Can you believe this guy's 71? He sure doesn't look it...

And two guys made out on CNN... sort of...

Via Breitbart.

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Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson Would Like You to Know What They Think of Sarah Palin

This Week In Gayness: The Saxon Warrior Lovers

Ow, My Eyes! "Ann Coulter Lite" Is Anti-Everything We Hold Awesome

Dame Helen Mirren As A Teen: Loved Coke, Date Rape Not So Much

Sloppy Seconds: Demi Moore And Her Boob Squirt

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 21:04:00 GMT

Strip clubs in Denver are reporting a decline in business... just since the DNC began.

Why is anyone surprised Axl Rose doesn't bother with pickup lines? If we were him, we wouldn't either... although, um, we probably still wouldn't put it quite like he did.

Scariest headline of the day, via CNN: Airline removes life vests to lighten load

Sheryl Crow, Stevie Wonder and "i.am" John Legend join obvious choice will.i.am to close out tonight's convention.

We barely even remember hearing about this movie, and now it's getting a sequel?

Your boyhood idols: where are they now?

Just in case, Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty has canceled his weekend interviews.

Kimora Lee Simmons denies she's pregnant. Meaning someone reportedly cared enough to print that she may have been.

Do you believe this story:

Madonna's brother Christopher Ciccone has accused Demi Moore of deliberately squirting breast milk at his gay friends.

We don't.

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CNN Video on Hooters Is Actually "Mammary Aversion Therapy"

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 18:21:00 GMT

Cracked.com points out the subtle ways that CNN causes their viewers to hate the sight of breasts. Mainly this involves juxtaposing video of Hooters waitresses with shots of dogs being neutered. The images fuction like a cold shower, or a quick snip below the belt. Honestly, video of dogs getting surgery is gross whether there are boobs around or not.

While You Were Sleeping: James Franco and Sean Penn Go At It

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:39:00 GMT

Doris Lessing, our Hero In Residence, on the teen pregnancy "craze": "I hear girls saying, 'Oh I'm not going to bring a child into this wicked world,' which means they are going to be pregnant next week."

Happy 47th to Barack Obama yesterday. Unfortunately, his staff lost their big present to him.

The Eva Mendes Calvin Klein ad has been banned from TV:

Creative director Fabien Baron was flabbergasted that Mendes' nipple flash was deemed unacceptable for Middle American sensibilities:

“You must be kidding me. This country really needs a new president — this country is so messed up,” said Baron. “It’s such a joke and it’s quite upsetting, frankly, how hypocritical this country has become. It’s OK for children to see people killed by guns? Spreading a little love right now would be a good idea.

The worst appears to be over for Morgan Freeman.

Iggy & The Stooges just had their gear stolen in Montreal. All of it.

"Lost" wants your babies.

And James Franco and Sean Penn make out in the new Gus Van Sant film, Milk, about the tragic life of San Francisco's legendary Harvey Milk. Here's how Franco describes the scene:

He tells USA Today newspaper, "We're sitting on the curb, kissing... and it's not stopping. A minute doesn't sound like a long time, but, in front of 200 people, it's a long time. He (Penn) had a beard and the beard is scraping me. Afterwards, we were like, 'All right, how are those (Oakland) Raiders....'"

And Franco reveals Penn made sure he kept things light on the set - in between takes: "He would always ask me if my girlfriend was the better kisser."

Related:

Doris Lessing Be Trippin'?

Crazy White Supremacists-- Gasp!-- Hate Obama

"Acting With James Franco" Comes Pretty Close to Making Us Cry

The MTV Movie Awards: More Entertaining Than We Wanted Them To Be

Morgan Freeman Seriously Injured In Major Car Accident

Sloppy Seconds: Poor Bernie Mac, Morgan Freeman, and... OJ?

Morgan Freeman Seriously Injured In Major Car Accident

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:48:00 GMT

Morgan Freeman is in serious condition following a devastating car wreck last night in Mississippi...

The latest details, according to CNN, Google, and other sources:

1) Freeman driving just a few miles from his home when he car sailed, airborne, off the highway and into a ditch. (Sources originally hinted an unnamed female woman was at the wheel, but she is gone from updated accounts.)

2) Fans tried to snap pictures of the actor. He attempted some gallows humor as he was taken, via the jaws of life, from the vehicle, and told one person using a camera phone: "No freebies, no freebies."

3) He may have been airlifted to a hospital that was over 90 miles away, in Memphis, for the best possible treatment. It's unclear why they had to travel so far if he was in such a tremendous crash.

4) Hospital spokesperson Milla Borden says Freeman is currently listed as being in "serious condition."

We will update this story if there is any news between now and the end of the day.

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Spiked Drink

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 21:17:00 GMT

What does it take for gal to file for divorce around here? After 52 years of marriage, the nitwit who married the guy who kept his sex slave daughter in a cage has left him.

Tim Robbins will produce a Showtime pilot starring Josh Lucas. Damn, is Showtime the new HBO or what?

Anderson Cooper may have moved in with his significant other this week...

The Anderson Cooper rumor mill most recently had the flirty CNN anchor dating an assistant to Barry Diller beard Diane Von Furstenberg in the wake of a breakup from 22-year-old JD Ordonez, a marine mammal trainer in California. Now we're told the silver-haired newsman is trying to settle down, albeit with a 24-ish guy, even as he trots the globe to film his upcoming Planet In Peril. A tipster heard from the supposed boyfriend's associates that Cooper asked him to move in and that the boyfriend accepted.

Barney Frank, the gay Congressman from Massachusetts (where else?) is sponsoring a bill to legalize marijuana possession, if the amount is less than, oh, say, 100 ounces.

Speaking of reefer madness: Hype or hilarity? Seth Rogen was asked to leave a "Pineapple Express" after party for smoking dope.

The latest in our continuing series on movies that cannot possibly have a sequel but are going to anyway: I Am Legend.

Good luck with that: Jamie Lynn Spears is getting married.

Starbucks is losing money for the first time in 16 years. We're surprised to be saying this, but we're not thrilled to see Starbucks going down in flames, now that the economy is at least partly dependent on their sales.

Amy Winehouse's Dad says it was a spiked drink that caused his daughter's latest hospital visit. Dude, that chick could sip a Diet Coke and go into convulsions, she's so toxic.

Related:

Pardon Me, But You Seem to Have Some Amy Winehouse In Your Teeth

Topless Seattle Coffeehouse To Take Down Starbucks?

The 50 Sexiest Albums You Must Own (50-41)

New Yorker Reporter Spends Time the California Way-- High on Medicinal Marijuana

Video of the Day: "Pineapple Express" Trailer

Hide Your Cigarettes and Tanning Beds: There's Another Spears Girl in the World

Ladies, If You're Not In The Mood, CNN Is Here To Save You...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 16:49:00 GMT

CNN has solved the problem of a woman's decreased libido. Hint: they want you to become a man.

Their top 5 ways women can improve their sex drives:

1. Impotence drugs such as Viagra, Levitra and Cialis

2. Testosterone

3. Arginine

4. Anti-stress herbs

5. Experimental medicines

So, unless you want to try risky experimental medicines or "anti-stress herbs," which sounds like a scam, CNN suggests the best methods for getitng in touch with your feminine sexuality is by taking stimulants intended for males. For God's sake, how long are women going to have to wait before they get their own drugs or treatments for sexual dysfunction? Viagra's been around for how many years now?

Get on it, people...

Until then, CNN and the Journal of the American Medical Association report that, for some women, erectile dysfunction drugs do work. Has anyone out there (females only, of course) tried their #1 technique?

Via CNN.

Man Sells His Soul To Hell (Pizza)

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:59:00 GMT

We're not making this up (although CNN and the AP might be): a man named (Sir?) Walter Scott of Wellington, New Zealand, has sold his soul for $3,800... to a pizza place... named "Hell Pizza."

We hope Walter was joking when he shrugged off the country's collective moral outrage and noted in the auction listing

"I can't see it, touch it or feel it, but I can sell it, so I'm going to palm it off to the highest bidder."

After the sellouts at TradeMe (some sort of e-bay ripoff in Kiwiland) pulled the auction, the owners of the local Hell Pizza stepped in like Robert De Niro in "Angel Heart."

"The soul belongs to Hell, there is simply no better place for it," Allison told The Associated Press. "He was pretty delighted."
O'Donnell had said on Wednesday that Scott's auction complied with TradeMe's rules because a physical object -- the deed of ownership -- would change hands.
Allison said she would fly to Scott's home town of Wanganui on North Island Friday "to pick up the soul -- or at least the deed of ownership."

A kid tried this once on ebay, but it was pulled for the same reason-- the soul was not considered tangible by the site's management. (Back in '05, the Billionaires For Bush auctioned off social security to the highest Wall Street bidder for almost one billion dollars, but unfortunately that program remains in the hands of the unwashed masses.)

Via CNN.

Who Would You Rather: Nancy Grace vs. Rachael Ray?

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 15:01:00 GMT

We've been making Who Would You Rather? a little too easy on you lately, asking you to choose between two sexy, talented people. But sometimes we like to take it back to the What Would You Rather of our youth (you know, like, go down on your mom or lose a leg?). These two candidates came to mind after a recent argument over who is the most obnoxious female in the history of the world, Nancy Grace or Rachael Ray.

Now remember, someone is holding a gun to your head, so you have to decide to have sex with one (she'll probably talk through the entire act), or die. Except in our game, dying isn't an option. So, who do you have sex with, Nancy Grace or Rachael Ray?