Scanner : clusterfuck

Fox News Thinks Madonna Broke A-Rod's Rod

Emily Farris — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 15:01:00 GMT

You've gotta hand it to Fox News for at least being blatant about their rumor mongering. We know the whole A-Rod, Madonna, Lenny Kravitz thing is a little hard to follow, but we really need you to put on your thinking caps for this one. Based on the Yankees' disabled list and Madonna's promotional tour schedule, Fox News thinks Madonna may have injured A-Rod herself...

Let’s start an urban legend. This one is about Madonna and Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez...

A-Rod’s second child, Ella, was born April 21 in Miami. He flew down, arrived 10 minutes after her birth, looked at her, and headed back to New York.

It’s unclear where he was between the 22nd and the 24th, when he missed three games in Chicago against the White Sox. During that time, Madonna premiered her documentary about Malawi with loads of Kabbalah propaganda on April 23 at the Tribeca Film Festival. A-Rod rejoined the Yankees on April 25 in Cleveland.

Then Rodriguez attended Madonna’s half-hour promotional show at the Roseland Ballroom in New York on April 30.

But no one’s mentioned that just the day before, April 29, the Yankees placed A-Rod on the 15-day disabled list. It was the first time he’d been on such a list since the year 2000.

That's some serious barrel scraping, if you ask us.

We want to not care about this, but if Madonna's 50-year-old vagina is strong enough to injure a professional athlete's penis, we just started caring about this story. Hell, if they both just pulled some muscles we're still at little intrigued.

Thanks, FOXNews, for giving us more fake crap to fill our brains with. You think we didn't have enough to worry about already with Mini Me's sex tape and what really happens at third base. Hey, maybe A-Rod can answer that last one for us.

[FoxNews: Did Madonna Injure A-Rod?]

Related:

A-Rod Brainwashed By Hot Madonna or Religious Madonna?

**The A-Rod, Madonna, Lenny Kravitz Clusterf*ck**

Scanner Highs and Lows: Is That a Hot Dog in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Us?

Emily Farris — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:35:00 GMT

Because we're happy to see you, too...

Oh, sorry. We were actually talking to the hot dog. We're really excited to see the hot dog. Aren't you? That's why we'll keep this highs and lows business short this short week.

Highs:

We began our countdown of the 50 sexiest albums you must own (50-41, 40-31, 30-21, 20-11)

We learned why our areolas are so pale.

We learned that sex is really good for you. And can even save your life.

Lows:

We crushed on Pete Wentz (and his huge penis!).

We let ourselves get involved in a celebrity clusterfuck.

We finally found one part of our body we never want to get tattooed.

The A-Rod, Madonna, Lenny Kravitz Clusterf*ck

Emily Farris — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 18:06:00 GMT

We've been avoiding the news that Madonna's marriage to Guy Ritchie may be falling apart and that she may or may not be turning to Yankee's player Alex Rodriguez for sexual healing because, frankly, we don't care all that much. But then they had to go and bring Lenny Kravitz into the mix.

Now it seems that A-Rod's wife is dating Lenny Kravitz, who supposedly dated Madonna when he contributed to 1990's "Justify My Love."

Got it straight?

Okay, to recap (please assume that all of these "facts" have an "apparently" or "supposedly" in front of them):

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are headed towards splitsville.

Madonna has been sneaking around with Alex Rodriguez.

Alex Rodriguez's wife has been spending "cozy time" in Paris with Lenny Kravitz, who used to date Madonna.

Whew.

[Us: Report: Alex Rodriguez's Wife Seeing Lenny Kravitz, Madonna's Ex]

Related:

Hot or Not: Madonna's Hard Candy?

Who Would You Rather: Chrissie Hynde vs. Madonna?

Madonna's Sexlife Threatened By Keebler Elves

Lenny Kravitz Corroborates Adriana Lima's Claim to Virginity?

Big, Big Love Gone Real, Real Bad

Emily Farris — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:04:00 GMT

Don't believe everything you see on television. Polygamy isn't all sex with Chloe Sevingy, in-ground pools and SUVs.

Authorities in Texas are currently trying to figure out what to do with 416 children—all part of a polygamous sect based in Eldorado—after a 16-year-old child bride claimed she had been beaten and raped by her 50-year-old husband.

Since the raid on the polygamist compound, authorities have bussed the children to a stadium in a near-by town, but now, "quite frankly," are trying to figure out what the hell to do with them:

“Quite frankly, I’m not sure what we’re going to do,” Judge Barbara Walther of State District Court said after a conference that included three to four dozen lawyers either representing or hoping to represent youngsters taken two weeks ago from the ranch in Eldorado that belongs to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a breakaway Mormon sect.

Now, many of the 139 mothers who voluntarily left the compound have now been sent away, some back to the ranch if they chose and others to "another safe location."

Sadly, mothers probably left their daughters who were also young mothers (women with children under four were allowed to stay).

The courtroom conference on Monday was held to work out the ground rules for a court hearing starting Thursday on the fate of the children. The state is accusing the sect of physically and sexually abusing the children and wants to strip their parents of custody and place the children in foster care or put them up for adoption...

Texas bar officials said that more than 350 lawyers from across the state had volunteered to represent the children free of charge. The mothers who voluntarily left the sect to be with their children might also hire lawyers, to help them fight for custody.

Betty Balli Torres, executive director of the Texas Access to Justice Foundation, said it was vital that the mothers be represented by lawyers. Otherwise, they could lose their children, she said, in “what we call kind of the death penalty of family law cases."

We're guessing the 60 men responsible for this clusterfuck won't be paying child support if any of the women manage to keep their children.

[New York Times: Court Grapples With Scope of Polygamist Sect Case]

Armageddon Time: 800 Car Traffic Jam in Wisconsin

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 20:40:00 GMT

Okay, it doesn't look anything like the totally rad photo above, but we're imagining Woodstock-style lines, couples meeting and falling in love because the guy with the motorcycle picked the girl up hitching, people hanging out and tailgating. Unfortunately, the real pictures are probably a lot less fun: this interstate in Wisconsin is just probably the world's largest clusterfuck.

Just another opportunity for us New York City folk to rub it in: we got the subway, baby. And you remember what the subway has, an idea no doubt Scanner Emily will try out after her many triumphs last night.