Scanner : church

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:52:00 GMT

A few weeks back (or thereabouts), we told you about the Melbourne, Florida church that rocked the conservative community by promoting a new series of sex workshops.

Unsurprisingly, most everyone in the area has decided that this is their cross to bear and each of them, individually, will try to prevent Christians from getting nailed properly...

The New Hope Baptist Church has been hosting its "risque" series at Sherwood Elementary School, but the local yokels aren't sure what to make of it:

Brevard Public School District's risk-management department has threatened to boot New Hope Church out of Sherwood...
Church leaders mailed 25,000 fliers, asking residents "Is Your Sex Life A Bore?" The three-week program kicked off inside the school auditorium. Pastor Bruce Cadle had said the Christian church has been "shamefully silent" on the taboo topic.

Mark Langdorf, the director of risk management, says the mailers generated complaints, were not appropriate for elementary school children and shouldn't be used to advertise the sermon in the school.

Langdorf says the church's lease contract is under review.

Of course, the lousy Associated Press didn't bother to get a quote from the Church itself. Here's what they have to say on the subject:

Is your sex life a bore? A chore? Feeling like you want more? Is sex supposed to leave you feeling guilty? Frustrated? Insecure? Empty? It’s supposed to be fun, right? So why does it seem like everyone else is having all the fun? Why are men and women’s desires so different? So incompatible?

Discover answers to all these questions and more at Great Sex For You, a new teaching series at New Hope Church beginning this Sunday at 11am. You’ll learn how to have the Great Sex that God created you to enjoy! You’ll discover how to find the right partner, how to affair proof your marriage, how to fan the flames of romance, and how to ensure that your marriage and love life gets better year after year. Don’t miss this life-changing message!

The Great Sex that God created us to enjoy? This is about the only workshop that could ever get us to willingly attend church services. Oh, and free Krispy Kreme doesn't hurt either...

Via the Church's website.

Related:

World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Stripper Now Dances for the Lord

This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Gay Bishop is About to Get All "Gay Bishop" on Your Ass

Stripper Now Dances for the Lord

Colleen Kane — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 17:21:00 GMT

Anna Nobili now performs "The Holy Dance" at Jerusalem Basilica in Rome, but it isn't the only dance she's been known to do. The 38-year-old was a lap dancer for years in Italian nightclubs before her mother turned her on to the Lord.

Anna sported a rather different look in her lap-dancing days...

She was moved a few years ago to her life touring prisons and hospitals with her Christian modern dance after Jesus appeared to her. "At first I didn't want to know, but then Jesus appeared to me too, and I fell in love with him," she told BBC World Service.

We're just wondering how well modern dance of any kind goes over in prisons...

Related:

Ted Haggard: Busting Out of the Spiritual Restoration Center

Christians Having Better Sex Than You

We Had No Idea the Catholic Church Could Be This Scary...

Sloppy Seconds: Joaquin Phoenix Fights His Audience

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 21:20:00 GMT

Clive Owen doesn't really enjoy sex with Julia Roberts. Honestly, we don't blame him.

Don't listen to that stupid conservative's argument that James Carville is just as bad as Rush Limbaugh.

Helen Hunt may be engaged. Remember that show Mad About You? Ah... you youngin's.

Church sex is the best sex. Just sayin'.

Twin doctors-- is there anything creepier (if you've seen that Jeremy Irons movie, that is)? This guy and his twin were involving in molesting young boys in their offices.

Isn't it time Joaquin Phoenix admitted his stupid Casey Affleck documentary is a mockumentary? His diving into the audience to fight someone in Miami at 2am this morning is the dumbest celebrity story since the last one we ran about Paris Hilton, whatever that was.

We reported on this sex scandal at a Jersey high school, but the Rolling Stone story (via the Times Online) is essential reading.

Anne Heche gave birth to a boy with another lover we won't be able to remember.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Did Barbara Walters Out Whoopi Goldberg?

A Date With Jeremy Piven is a Very Bad Thing

Sloppy Seconds: Nicky Hilton Takes the Law Into Her Own Hands

While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low...

Atheists in Italy Learn That God Hates Them

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:04:00 GMT

The atheist bus campaign rolls on.

Its latest victims and champions can be found in Italy, where the city of Genoa was supposed to be rewarded for its long ties to some small religion (it apparently involves worshiping an old kook in a big pointy hat) by facing off with the greatest of all evils: a billboard ad.

This time, however, the controversial slogan went unseen by the brainwashed/enlightened masses, thanks to either define intervention or faulty mechanics...

According to the UPI, the first bus to feature a hotly-contested ad ventured out into the streets this morning, only to be confronted by a dying battery. Within minutes, the public transit vehicle was back at headquarters for repairs, and Catholics (and, well, other religious people) were laughing and praising their Lord.

By the way, this is far from the end of the story. The bus should be back on the streets again soon, having survived only the latest of rounds in a long-running dispute. It originally was going to feature an ad reading "The Bad News Is God Doesn't Exist. The Good News Is You Don't Need Him," a much harsher version than the original atheist bus ad running in various parts of the world ('There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.")

The new bus reads: "The Good News Is There Are Millions of Atheists In Italy; The Excellent News Is They Believe In Freedom Of Expression," which gives the impression we're going out with a whimper... and not with a big bang.

Via UPI. Photo via Flickr.

Related:

All Aboard the Atheism Bus

Exorcist: Keep It In Your Pants Or Beelzebub's Gonna Getcha

Christians Retaliate Against Atheists With Even Lamer Ad Campaign

Homophobic Phelps Clan to Picket/Pick-On High School Students

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 18:35:00 GMT

Remember Fred Phelps, the homophobic Baptist minister/propogandist who picketed Heath Ledgers funeral because of his role in Brokeback Mountain? This afternoon Phelps' daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, her Westboro Baptist Church cronies and their pickets plan to make an appearance at Shawnee Mission East high school (which is not too far from Scanner HQ).

Why?

Because last year the school elected an openly-gay homecoming king:

Shirley and the fam are scheduled to protest Shawnee Mission East Thursday from 2:30 to 3:15 p.m. because of this story, "The Shawnee Mission East class of '08 loves its gay homecoming king," written last May by former Pitch staffer Jen Chen.

Students are planning a peaceful counter-protest, Jake Davidson told me this afternoon.

Davidson, a SME junior, said students are making signs and T-shirts with slogans such as "God loves everyone" and "Everyone is equal."

[Plog: Phelps family to protest Shawnee Mission East over gay homecoming king]

Related:

Homophobic Propagandist Fred Phelps Will Picket Heath Ledger's Funeral

This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

Sloppy Seconds: How Sarah Palin Brought a Litte Heaven Into Our Lives

[Image]

This Week in Gayness: Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke Get Personal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:47:00 GMT

Allen Ginsberg actually believed (well, maybe that's too strong a word) Henry Kissinger would strip naked with him on national television in a bid to promote world peace.

The gay blogs are taking an "ex-gay" to task for appearing in anti anti-hate crime ads.

A divorced Mom in (surprise, surprise) Tennessee is not allowed to have her lesbian lover stay over. The lesbian lover has taken extreme measures to ensure the bigoted judge does not win...

Angel Chandler's partner, who has been with Ms. Chandler for nearly 10 years, was given a "paramour" restriction by the family court, despite the fact that a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation deemed Ms. Chandler's partner to be "a positive influence on her children." According to Jeanne Sager of Strollerderby, "The ACLU has stepped into the fray, filing a brief this week that urges the court to remove the paramour restriction, calling it unconstitutional for interfering with Chandler's abilities to raise her children as she sees fit."
For now, Chandler and her partner are getting around the ruling by living side-by-side in a duplex. [Jezebel]

If you consider yourself "trans" anything, it's better just to stay away from Memphis, as we've learned from this and other recent news stories.

Yay! Campbell's Soup is on the pro-gay side.

A New Jersey church is being sued for discrimination. These idiots think they are above the law or something? You can't discriminate against gay people, not even in Jersey!

If you're so upset at people for getting married and yet despise straight divorce, maybe you should get behind California's "Please Don't Divorce Us" campaign. Hey, you might learn something.

Battlestar Galactica has a gay character, it seems.

Poor Mickey Rourke is getting desperate in his bid for an Oscar. Check out the alleged text message he sent about rival Sean Penn:

“Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno" [Defamer]

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

The Human Herp: Ken Starr Returns To Defend Marriage Against People Who Want It

Pope Makes Insane Gay Metaphor

Top 5 Sex Scenes From... 2007

While You Were Sleeping: The Liposuction Car

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

A rogue church threatened to publicly broadcast the details of a married woman's sex life after she refused to break up with her secret lover. (They sent her a letter announcing their intentions, even though she'd quit attending services there.)

A former member of the White House's inner circle, who was all set to testify in court against Karl Rove and his rigging of the 2004 Presidential election in Ohio, died in a plane crash over the weekend. We were waiting for the mainstream media to pick up on this story and at least dismiss it-- of course, they've so far chosen to ignore even a cursory mention, even though it's several days old.

Sam Mendes spoke out about watching the sex scene between his wife and Leo...

Sam Mendes says directing wife Kate Winslet as she grappled with Leonardo DiCaprio in the steamier scenes in "Revolutionary Road" was "a profoundly weird experience" - so weird that he couldn't watch it. Instead, he monitored the action on a video... [PageSix]

Prosecutors don't seem to care about our rights. They don't care what the jury decides, either.

A Beverly Hills plastic surgeon fled the country when it was discovered he was powering his SUV with what he'd gleaned off his liposuction patients.

Possibly under the assumption they would lose, the Screen Actors Guild delayed a vote on whether or not to strike.

According to one paper, the economy is not stopping women from spending ridiculous amounts of money on makeup. The "lipstick effect" is in play, just as it was during the Great Depression.

A man tried to get his murder case retried, claiming two jurors had sex with one another and the guards overseeing them were inspired for some of the same. Thanks, M.

And breaking up with Hugh Hefner somehow landed Holly Madison the cover of Playboy.

Sexy Priest: The 2009 Calendar... From the Vatican

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:59:00 GMT

While we have so far been able to track down a reputable online source for the 2009 Men's Rugby calendar we wrote about the other day, perhaps this will make up for it.

Or perhaps not. Priests-- hot or not?

We're surprised Ratzinger signed off on this one, even though it isn't the least bit offensive, sacreligious, or, well, stimulating. Of course, since treating celibate religious figures as sex objects may not be in keeping with the Vatican's puritannical mindset, we're betting whoever produced these for the tiny nation's gift shop snuck the supply in under the radar...

The above twosome feature in this year's edition of the 2009 Calendario Romano, available via this e-mail address. And although this website's Scanner-worthy English describes the calendar as "the most typical souvenir from Rome," we think this is most decidedly a venture only Vatican City could have undertaken...

Today in Sweden: Teen Sex For Booze On The Rise

More Nude Rugby Calendar Dudes For The Holidays

Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:46:00 GMT

A Swedish court handed down a decision last week acknowledging that The Madonna of Orgasm Church (the other Madonna) had a right to registration as a faith organization, which, according to news reports, is some sort of slap in the face to Christians...

Originally, the Legal, Financial and Administrative Services Agency (Kammarkollegiet) had refused the church’s registration application on the grounds that its name may offend Christians.

What, because of the word Madonna? Man, those freaks need to get over themselves.

According to the Skånska Dagbladet newspaper, the idea for the church came to Bebeacua, who is the church’s self-appointed cardinal, after a painting of his entitled 'The Madonna of Orgasm' sparked protests requiring police action during the 1992 World’s Fair in Seville, Spain.

“The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper.

“The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’”

Bebeacua says his church has a few hundred followers, but we beg to differ: it's more like hundreds of millions, all of whom would probably welcome climaxing via landscape, if only we could figure out how the hell that's going to happen...

Via the Local.

Related:

Even Sex Fairs Are Weirder In China

Christian Nymphos: Giving It Up in the Name of Jesus

Sloppy Seconds: Giving Vibrators To Teenage Girls

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 20-11

Not To Be Outdone, Sunday School Teacher Gets In On The Jailbait Action

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 20:26:00 GMT

Sunday School: who knew it was so full of intrigue, sexual innuendo, and topless picture messages sent to 14-year-old boys?

It seems that one Somerset, Texas woman thought those Bible lessons and all that God stuff was mindless drivel and decided to spice things up by putting herself in a very tricky situation. Yesterday, Victoria Ann Chacon, who resigned her job as a Somerset Junior High School math teacher shortly after the investigation commenced, was arrested for sending her Sunday School student some pictures of her boobs. As is always the case in these stories, this idiot perv didn't remind her teenage friend to delete the photos, he left her phone lying around and, somehow, another adult figure flipped the sucker open and... oh my God, my eyes!

Actually, not only did they find nude photos, the boy's parents initially discovered written notes, an ancient art form from before the advent of texting:

The arrest affidavit states the mother of the 14-year-old boy told police she found two love letters from Chacon to her son. The affidavit also says that in those letters, "Chacon professes her love for the teen about how passionate he is, and about how she feels when she and the teen kiss each other."

...but it's of no importance. The point is that even Sunday School teachers are getting on the jailbait action. Will President Obama address this growing crises or will he allow these degenerates to continue to corrupt our young minds by ~~teaching them Christianity and math~~ engaging in appropriate love affairs with them?

More here and here.

Related:

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:51:00 GMT

Because it's real damn difficult to find a picture of a female in a sexy vicar's costume...

The Church of England has barred the Reverend Teresa Davis from practicing her craft for 12 years, following a tribunal that found her to have violated her vows.

The Reverend made the terrible mistake-- not of going to France and participating in a swingers weekend, not of showing up drunk at her church on a Sunday-- rather, for telling everyone she could get ahold of about all of it...

Mrs Davies was said to have told two church colleagues at a Christmas lunch in 2006 that she and her husband had spent holidays without their children in the South of France, in an area that she said was noted for “the casual exchange of sexual partners”.
The tribunal also heard that Mrs Davies, 37, and her husband had posted under the name “Tess and Mick, Daventry” on swinging websites.

Having sobered up enough to have a moment of clarity, Davies told another member of the clergy that maybe she had said too much. And indeed, although she admitted to the whole thing while facing the London tribunal, they were unforgiving.

The tribunal said: “Clergy who commit sexual misconduct have to be dealt with firmly and in a way which would protect those who could be harmed if the respondent were otherwise allowed to remain in ministry.”
It added that she still had no appreciation of the seriousness of the findings against her, or of the damage caused. [Times Online]

Come on over stateside, Reverend. They'll love you in Middle America...

Related:

Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Meet 16-Year-Old Missy Quinn and Her £16,000 Wedding Dress

Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:36:00 GMT

A priest in Queens is being sued by a woman he picked up while she was confessing... in his confession booth.

If you think that's choice, wait'll you hear what he did that made her decide to sue his dumb ass...

According to CBS TV in New York, Reverend Elvis (seriously) Elan was preachin' and consolin' at the Our Lady of the Snows Church in Glen Oaks, which is in the borough of Queens, when a woman going through a painful divorce took confession with him.

Laufer says his client, Judith Rodriguez-Lytwyn was vulnerable when she walked into the confessional where Elano allegedly told her, "Your presence struck me like a thunderbolt."

He was so thunderstruck, it seemed, they began having sex and even seeing each other for dinner before the sex. The outrage! Seriously, that's how his flock sees it:

"I can't believe it. You know it knocks me for a loop," said Dan Torpey, one of the church's parishioners. Added parishioner Viola Czajkowski: "I don't see how a priest who took vows could possibly do something like this and have mass every day while this was going on."

Right, but how surprised would you be if Judith turned out to be Jeremy, a seven-year-old choir boy? And, what, this guy should control his sexual urges, as promised? We thought as much. Meanwhile, Rev. Elvis and Judy dated for several months... until...

...her lover sent an e-mail indicating the presence of a sexually transmitted disease he may have gotten from another woman.

Whoops. Reverend Elvis, The Ladykillin' Priest. The rights have probably been snatched up already, with Ron Howard to direct. It'll do 40 mil opening weekend...

Read the rest here. (P.S. Is anyone surprised that the Catholic Church transfered but did not discipline this creep?)

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

Gay Marriage: God Is Gonna Getcha... Claim Scary Freaks

Porn and Pasties: We Missed Out

Arkansas Televangelist Busted For Child Sex Acts

The War On Sex Rages On...

This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 19:20:00 GMT

There was too much gay sex in the Howard Stern Public Restroom, so the State of New Jersey is shutting it down.

The Church of England may be getting soft: the pastor who carried out an unauthorized gay marriage will not be censured.

Here's a weird one for ya. A guy was arrested after a foot chase during which he stripped off his clothing. The photographer turns out to have been taking pictures of kids on behalf of... an anti-gay website. Wha?

Check out this complete assface who blatantly steals "No On Prop 8" signs and then assaults a guy who tries to stop him. Then the accused jerk, a Ken Mettler, says he was "acting in self-defense." Apparently, trying to get your signs back is now an "attack."

Here's the full video:

Meanwhile, Samuel L. Jackson says he is against Prop 8, which should help with the state's African-American vote.

And two elderly gay men were murdered in their Indianapolis home. Friends say both were targeted for months-- their power lines were cut and homophobic graffiti was found on the property.

Related:

"The Renewed Mind Is the Key" to Total Delusion About Your Dancing Abilities

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 19:31:00 GMT

Apparently it's church-going weirdos day here at Scanner. This threesome are representing The Way International Productions, some sort of ministry that gives concerts and grows zombies.They may have found God and some sort of "renewed mind" but there is something pretty sacrilegious going on here...

In this video you will find coordinated outfits and some pretty ambitious choreography, but dude in the middle needs to pray for better dance moves also maybe a slightly more expressive face.

Video of the Day: Wigging Out Over Jesus

Emily Farris — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 17:52:00 GMT

Forgive us if you've seen this before, but it's only 31 seconds of your life we're asking you to relive if you have. And don't you think watching a woman lose her wig when the spirit moves her is worth half a minute of your God-damned time?

Hey Rev. Jeremiah Wright: Your Sex Scandal Is Not Helping

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 15:39:00 GMT

Lemme get this straight, Reverend Jeremiah Wright: first, you give the Republicans the only real ammo they've ever had to go after Obama, who was supposed to be your friend, and then you made it worse by not shutting up about it and going away. You continued to give incendiary press conferences and even had to go after Obama to save face.

Now, what's this? A sex scandal? And in the most unholy of ways? Thanks a big whopping lot, jackass...

According to the New York Post and other sources, a woman named Elizabeth Payne is at the center of a love rectangle (hmm, that doesn't sound right), with the Wrong Reverend as the very public focal point:

1) 67-year-old Wright met 37-year-old Payne during the whole "Goddamn America" meltdown, when he was in Dallas visiting a protege, who was in charge of the church Payne worked at.

2) Payne was married. And so, of course, is Wright, who 20 years ago, snapped up a woman after his counseling of her marriage failed. Wow.

3) Payne was subsequently fired and divorced when allegations of her affair with Wright were made public. A lawsuit she filed to get her job back is pending...

The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

CBS News Correspondent Embroiled In Career-Defining Sex Scandal

Nevada Governor Sex Scandals, Part 226

Controversial New Yorker Cover Even Dumber Than We First Thought

Top 10 Outrageous Quotes From McCain's Spiritual Advisers

This Week In Gayness: The Saxon Warrior Lovers

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 14:20:00 GMT

A Maryland appeals court overturned a law that would've hurt protections put in place to help transgender people.

Billie Jean King does not support Sarah Palin, whom she calls "honest" and "real," and continues to lend her name to the Obama campaign.

An Ohio Church trashed Katy Perry for her UK #1 single by saying on a billboard: "I kissed a girl and I liked it... Then I went to hell." Perez Hilton posted a photo of that homophobic church's sign defaced: "God Adores You." Think about it: G A Y.

Those heathens: didn't they know about Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Two male Saxon warriors from around 466 to 1066 AD were found arm-in-arm in their grave. (Well, they couldn't just fall down dead that way in battle...)

A lot of people thought this was a joke, but it doesn't surprise us at all: there's a website called Gay Chubby Dating. And yes, it's a service.

While the rest of the country is starting to head toward the side that's winning, Florida meanwhile supports a ban on gay marriage, 55-45. (Or, if there's a vote on it, by 7 votes.)

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Weddings in California Prisons

Crush of the Week: Jamie Clayton, The Hottest Transsexual

This Week In Gayness: Sam Ronson's Gay Tell-All About Lindsay?

Teacher Forced To Resign After Students Find His Gay Profile

Return of the Gay Balls

This Week In Gayness: Post-Coming Out

Sloppy Seconds: No More Penis Pumps

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 20:21:00 GMT

The reason young women don't go to church anymore? Buffy the Vampire Slayer, of course.

Anna Faris gets tossed from the Playboy Mansion in "The House Bunny," opening today.

Check out this beyond insane story out of good ol' Mississippi:

A Jones County man admits to assaulting the pastor of an Ellisville Baptist Church.

Michael Clark is accusing pastor Steve Nixon of sending inappropriate text messages to his wife and other parishoners wives.

Wednesday, before bible study, Clark whipped the pastor with an air hose. He says he wanted to stop any communications before it got out of hand.

The same idiot who goofed on the sexuality of a Green Party candidate for Governor of Massachusetts is in trouble again after his wife filed six fake ratings surveys to help boost his numbers.

Who the hell is going to see this Tucker Max movie anyway?

Don't fly with your penis pump this weekend. Or ever again, if you're coming to or leaving the US.

If he's dating Rachel McAdams and she's dating Ryan Gosling, we're pretty sure there's no good reason to ever break up. Know what we mean?

Pastor Dave Could Use Some of Christ's Healing Powers Right About Now

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 16:50:00 GMT

You know what's cool? A pastor riding into church on a motorcycle to deliver a sermon. You know what's cooler? Actually knowing how to ride a motorcycle before you do it?

Pastor Dave gives a demonstration of how you can been cool, but not cool below:

Sloppy Seconds: Ron Wood's Mistress In The Buff

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:39:00 GMT

Mrs. Corey Feldman's Playboy shoot and more, after the jump...

If you have a belly button finish, you'll probably be pissed to learn you missed Japan's navel-gazing fest.

Your worst nightmare: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are leaving Hollywood... and may be moving to Your Neighborhood.

Don't worry if you missed the orgy, it didn't turn out to be that great a time.

That nutjob who shot two people during a church performance of "Annie?" His motive wasn't he didn't like liberals. We hope Rush Limbaugh gets sued for wrongful death or ends up going crazy like Jeff Bridges in The Fisher King. Bastards.

Ron Wood, guitar player and real genius behind the current Rolling Stones lineup, almost left his wife of twenty-three-years but luckily got his act together and checked into rehab. The reason he lost his way:

A Democratic legislator from New Jersey has resigned after child porn was found on his computer. His office computer.

An Obama supporter "accidentally" made buttons with the Senator and another famous member of the Chamber: Larry Craig.

Brad Pitt declared war on the stalkers who take photographs of him.

And Susie Feldman, Corey's wife, has done a large Playboy spread that already has the internet hyperventilating. At least in porn land...

The rest of the shoot can be found here.

Sloppy Seconds: What's Wrong With This Picture Of Brad Pitt?

Vote In Playboy's Sexiest Female Blogger Poll

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At A Blue Jays Game

Gisele Bundchen's Latest Nude Shoot May Be Her Finest Work Yet

Magazine Fights Censorship With Nude Six-Year-Old Cover Girl

Ted Haggard: Busting Out of the Spiritual Restoration Center

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:02:00 GMT

Praise the sweet baby Jesus Lord! Ted Haggard has been cured of his gayness... or has wisened up to the fact that he can't be cured of it.

The AP reports that the former evangelical preacher who was forced out of his job after reports of his relationship with a gay prostitute has left the "spiritual restoration program," he attened after the scandal broke, but is not allowed to comment on why.

Under a severance deal that Ted Haggard reached with the church in 2006, he agreed to leave Colorado Springs and not talk about the scandal publicly. The deal expired at the end of 2007. New pastor Brady Boyd said Haggard was now free to live where he wanted and has returned to Colorado Springs.

"They have moved back and they live in the original house that they lived in for many years," Boyd said of Haggard and his wife, Gayle.

This makes us think of that movie with the terribly hot Clea DuVall and the not-so-hot Natasha Lyonne, "But I'm a Cheerleader," in which teenagers are sent away to a home to rid them of their homosexual tendencies.

[AP: Pastor: Haggard has left 'restoration program']

If There's a Hell, We're Going

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:02:00 GMT

But can we at least go in a nice leather handbag instead of a handbasket? And why are we going? Because the people caught having sex in a church confessional booth during morning mass are kind-of our heroes.

Yes, yes, we know it's totally disrespectful to the people attending mass, the people conducting mass, and God, if you believe in such things. But, also, isn't it kind-of badass?

An Italian couple who were caught having sex in a church confessional box while morning Mass was being said have repented and made peace with the local bishop.

The couple, in their early 30s, were detained by police earlier this month after they had made love in the confessional box in the cathedral in northern Cesena. They were cautioned for obscene acts in public and disturbing a religious function.

Their lawyer said they had been drinking all night and realized they had gone too far.

Okay, so yeah. They did go too far, but wouldn't that be a great story to tell the baby they probably actually didn't make that day. "God was definitely present when Mommy and Daddy created you."

[Reuters: They had sex WHERE?]

Related:

Church of England Sex Manual to Help the Pathetic and Hopeless Get Laid

Want to Get Your Mom Back for That Time She Made You Put Your Entire Fist in Your Mouth in Front of All Her Church Friends?

Artist Spencer Tunick Could Get a Priest Naked in Church

What Does God Really Think About Sex?

Big Church Comes from a Big Family, With Big Boobs and All

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 May 2008 15:58:00 GMT

Is anyone really surprised that BigChurch.com, a Christian dating site, is owned by Penthouse Media, which also owns AdultFriendFinder.com (glad we had our pop-up blocker enabled for that one) and bondage.com?

Only the Christians.

Well, only the Christians using the site. And even then maybe we should narrow it down to only the Christians using the site who also believe that anything with the world "Christian" in it is somehow looking out for them.

As our friend Rev. Bryan Hooper (yes, even sex bloggers have pastor friends) said in an email, "Penthouse is a business. Their goal is to make money. The same is true for BigChurch.com. It has nothing to do with religion — good or bad. It's just another marketing angle."

Amen to that.

The financially-struggling Penthouse group recently moved into the social networking world after its old core magazine business was undermined by the explosion of pornography on the internet.

But a series of other Christian websites are highlighting the marriage between the pious and the promiscuous in an effort to woo the devout away from the BigChurch embrace.

No matter who owns it, it appears to be working for some people... if the testimonials are to be believed:

"I feel blessed to have met Shawn on BigChurch.com. I feel like my prayers of finding a respectable man have been answered! Thanks BigChurch!!"

Try to think of it like enjoying the fact that you live in the United States even though you don't agree with the morals of the people running it... oh, wait...

[Telegraph via Fleshbot]

What Does God Really Think About Sex?

Emily Farris — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:23:00 GMT

"Just as a husband and wife experience deep joy as they lose themselves and merge into oneness at the moment of sexual climax, we experience ultimate joy as we become one with Jesus Christ in a union that leads to incomprehensible joy. Sexual intercourse mirrors our relationship to God and causes us to worship him for giving us this good gift."

Don't get your panties all in an uproar just yet. The same woman said a long Sunday morning in church is the best place to practice Kegel exercises.

Her name is Linda Dillow and she's known as the Christian Dr. Ruth, teaching (yes) married couples how to have holy, hot sex lives.

Dillow knows what much of the world thinks of Christians: they're prudes, they're frigid, they fear and discourage sexual pleasure, especially in women. And she admits that Christians have only themselves to blame for this perception. "Augustine, who wrote a lot of wonderful things, had a very warped view about sex," she said. "Even Martin Luther, who was married, said, 'Intercourse is never without sin, but God excuses it by his grace.' Women today don't know these statements, but I think the whole attitude has filtered down to them." But what was historically true is no longer universal.

...Dillow and her friend Lorraine Pintus founded Intimate Issues, a pro-sex ministry that hosts conferences for women and couples seeking a richer love life. They have also written two books that promote the joys of marital sex, "Intimate Issues" and "Intimacy Ignited" -- two entries in a flourishing genre that includes titles such as "Sacred Sex," "The Glorious Pursuit," "Sheet Music" and "His Needs, Her Needs." "Some women," write Dillow and Pintus, "have spent so many years 'damming up' their sexual passions in an attempt to remain pure that they find it difficult to suddenly open the floodgates and allow sexual feelings to flow." The Christian sex advice movement is dedicated to unleashing that flood...
"God doesn't in the scriptures say, All right, these acts are acceptable," Dillow told me. Her approach is to examine "the whole intent of all scripture. The message Christ brought is, You are not under the law; you are under grace, and that we are given a lot of freedom to decide what is beneficial for us, what is loving between this husband and this wife."

There you have it: sex is awesome (even oral sex and masturbation are almost okay). When you're married.

[Salon: Holy Sex!]

Church of England Sex Manual to Help the Pathetic and Hopeless Get Laid

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:52:00 GMT

According to The Sun, officials of the Church of England have written a "good sex guide" for their parishioners. The guide, titled Growing Together, explains that:

“Sex, far from being naughty, is something holy and wonderful and something to be celebrated. Like any other skill, it has to be learned. . . be each other’s teacher.”

And what specific skills do Church of England parishioners need learn exactly?

According to one of the guide's scenarios:

“Kevin and Mandy had been married 18 months and worried that they had not conceived a child. It turned out they had never had full intercourse.”

Right. Thanks to the Church for reminding people old enough to be married that pregnancy happens from penis-in-vagina. Although, we feel obligated to suggest that anyone who doesn't know that probably shouldn't be reproducing in the first place. Maybe the Church should stick to praying and trust the Internet with all that pesky sex education.

Homophobic Propagandist Fred Phelps Will Picket Heath Ledger's Funeral

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 19:43:00 GMT

We don't want to believe this, but if we try real hard and remember our childhood in the Bible Belt, we can almost see this happening, almost. Fred Phelps, the infamous homophobic propagandist, plans to picket Heath Ledger's funeral. You know, for that whole gay cowboy thing. Infuriating flyer after the jump.

We could go on a tirade here, but we'd be preaching to the choir. If you're not already familiar with Phelps and want to ruin your entire fucking day, check out his website, godhatesfags.com. We hate even typing that.

[Wikipedia: Fred Phelps]

[Via OhNoTheyDidnt]

Video of the Day: "Pussycat Preacher" Trailer

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:46:00 GMT

God is everywhere, right? Even on a pole? According to the Pussycat Preacher, a stripper turned prostyletizer, he is. Even better is the "Hooker for Jesus" who compares gluttony to prostitution. "Why aren't we pointing out physical sins that we physically see?" She does make a good point.

Online Videos by Veoh.com

We wonder what the Mormons think of this.

Excuse us while we go bust out some Joan Osborne.

[The Pussycat Preacher]

(Thanks, Sarah!)