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While You Were Sleeping: Paula Deen Moons Her Audience

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Memo to Citibank employees: if you receive a letter requesting $27 million for the Bank of Ethiopia, check to make sure it wasn't posted in Nigeria.

The GOP attacked Obama on the stimulus... but this guy couldn't name a single piece of "pork," not even a general category.

You have to wait till the end of this Walker: Texas Ranger clip for the payoff-- and it's laugh-out-loud, knee-slappin' good times...

Ah, young love: these days, it entails sex with your teacher dozens of times in several locations, including the parking lot of a K-Mart.

A man accidentally shot himself during a robbery attempt. He proceeded to lose the loot... and his pants.

Prince dedicated his secret Hollywood concert after the Oscars to Penelope Cruz.

Authorities busted 500 people and freed 48 child prostitutes in a major raid yesterday.

And, in perhaps one of the greatest YouTube moments so far, Paula Deen mooned her fans at the Miami Food and Wine Festival...

Related:

Don't Miss the Awesomeness on Late Night's Goodbye Week

Conan and Cannolis Brought Out the Dirty Talk in Paula Deen

While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

Have You Ever Wondered What Chuck Norris "Action Jeans" Look Like On Chuck Norris?

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Do you even know what "Action Jeans" are?

Yeah, that's all. But Chuck's lookin' good. That is Chuck, right?

We wonder if we can still get a pair by filling out that order form and sending it in with a check or money order?

[via Netorama]

Caption This: Huckabee's Got His Wife On A Thin Rope

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 21:10:00 GMT

Hasn't this woman suffered enough?

See if you can best the captions already posted via Shakespeare's Sister.

Campaign Manager--"Nooses are offensive, so let's use a lasso to degrade your wife."

It was all fun and games until Janet Huckabee realized the next step was Chuck Norris going kung-fu on her.

Come on, you guys can do better than these!

Open Thread: Did You Throw Away Your Vote?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 23:11:00 GMT

Stop being so cynical. Just go and vote, damn it. And then come back and tell us what you saw, experienced, and had to put up with from people crazy enough to work for the Board of Elections. We're going to keep this thread open as long as it takes, people. Fight it out, talk it out, or just take it out on somebody else that things aren't going your way. And then let's all have angry sex tonight because we didn't get what we want: Chuck Norris, Vice President.

We'll be posting updates throughout the day...

7:00am - Heading to rally for John McCain at Rockefeller Center in Manhattan. Nosferatu, aka Rudolph Giuliani, will be the main attraction.

7:06am - Funny Quote For the Day: "Hillary's going to win. It was set in 1988 to go Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton, Fireball, Dragon, Armageddon. Everyone gets a fiddle and a lighter." - Jeff Kreisler

9:00am - That means it's 6am at all polling sites in the continental US, so time to get up and vote. Now.

9:01am - Fox News calls the Presidential election for Mitt Romney. Their "scientific" exit polls project Mitt wins all 72 states plus Compton.

9:03am - This is almost too eye-roll-inducing to believe, but apparently Hillary Clinton bought an hour of TV time last night for a Town Meeting. Where did she buy it? The Hallmark Channel.

9:08am - Reuters has a good overview of Hillary Clinton's amusing appearance on Letterman last night. She made a joke about being the one "who wears the pantsuits" in her White House.

9:12am - Here's the link to the two-part YouTube clip of Hillary on the Late Show.

9:28am - For more detailed info on statewide vote closing times, delegates, and a couple of recent poll, click here.

10:47am - McCain is speaking live to some more geriatric dudes in West Virginia. It's on CNN or on cnn.com, if you can find a working video link.

11:30am - great Flickr photo here. Thanks to Tony for the link.

11:32am - A Ron Paul supporter is on WNYC in New York right now talking some gibberish about Taiwan and China. These people will say anything just to get that dope's name out there for another fifteen minutes. Yawn. By the way, the caller said he wouldn't consider voting for McCain. Do we think these people will sit the election out and let Hillary slide through?

11:54am - From Hotline on Call: "At VFW Post 2866 in conservative St. Charles County, MO, voters were lined up outside before polls opened at 6 AM local time to cast their ballots. Since doors opened two hours ago, a steady stream of voters have braved chilly rain to participate in this bellweather state's primary. Election officials estimate that over 40% of this precinct's 3,000 voters will turn out today."

12:15pm - GOP is in ruins... hounds eat the corpse of Dan Quayle... Duncan Hunter colonizes Uranus... a desperate Mitt Romney talks smack about Bob Dole on TV. Anybody wanna bet he quits tomorrow?

12:34pm - A couple of stories are floating around about Obama backtracking on his plan to decriminalize marijuana, which he said he supported during his 2004 Senate campaign. Hillary is against legalizing pot. Ugh-- is this really the kind of change we need? What's the difference, on any issue, between any of these two and McCain?

12:55pm - Not inspired yet, you armchair activists? Don't miss the excellent photos of primary happenings around the country, updated frequently on Flickr.

1:05pm - Hotline on Call reports on some more annoying and useless polls that show Hillary leads 9-8 statewise (Arkansas was not included) and McCain is up 10-4 over Romney. But it's all moot now, right? Because we're going to throw everyone off by writing in Donald Duck on every ballot, aren't we?

1:41pm - Today's Huffington Post blogs include Alec Baldwin taking some of the frustration caused by the writer's strike and dumping it on McCain and the genius clip artist David Rees points out that while Obama supported a 2006 amendment to ban cluster bombs in civilian areas, Clinton actually voted against it. Oy vey.

2:52pm - Governor Mike Huckabee won the GOP primary in West Virginia today, taking all 18 delegates. It seems the anti-McCain vote defected to him instead of Romney, a huge upset. Unfortunately for him, this is a weird state and does not reflect any sort of national trend. But you never know-- maybe the call will sound across the country that the GOP wants Huckabee.

3:20pm - Busted Tees is having a Super Tuesday sale at this link. It reminded me that I wish Stephen Colbert was still running. Imagine Obama's victory margin with the spoiler Stephen vote.

4:30pm - "In Georgia, where voters are now required to present photo identification [under a totally racist new law], wait times in some areas were as long as 90 minutes because for the first time in a major election, poll workers had to compare IDs against computerized registration records." (Everything Alabama)

5:57pm - Just got back from voting (see post: "Live from the Bk") and things are really tense out there. The spinmeisters are on CNN and MSNBC talking about how a McCain-Clinton matchup would allow someone else-- they disagree on whether Bloomberg might be one of those someone else's-- to jump in and sweep to November. We're hearing reports of bizarre voting predicaments, not just in New York, where the State is being sued for failing to comply with the Help America Vote Act and replace the machines it's had since the Garfield Administration. People in Chicago voted at a hot dog stand because... well, we're not really sure. There were photos on Flickr of people voting in what appeared to be a dormitory laundry room. Craziness.

6:02pm - Hearing rumors that Kucinich is endorsing Obama. Will this help or hurt Obama? More importantly, will it make any difference at all tonight? (Note that the Kuch said Obama should be everyone's second choice in Iowa.)

6:06pm - CNN is screwing the pooch and saying "an early exit poll" (whatever) gives Obama a 47-46 lead.

11:44pm - Obama speaking, live on most decent news channels. He did not do as well as his supporters would have liked, but better than anybody would have thought a week ago. It all depends on how the media spins this. And California.

12:06am - Chris Matthews on Mike Huckabee: "He's now the second man in the race, and he was the third man in this race."

12:50am - Here's what we have for state-by-state winners:

DEMOCRATS

Barack Obama won: Alabama, Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, North Dakota, Utah [13 states, plus likely winner in New Mexico]
Hillary Clinton won: American Samoa, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Oklahoma, Tennessee [9 states/territories]
REPUBLICANS:
John McCain won: Arizona, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Illinois, Missouri, New Jersey, New York, Oklahoma [9 states]
Mitt Romney won: Colorado, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Montana, North Dakota, Utah [6 states]
Mike Huckabee won: Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia [5 states]

Who Would You Rather: Rambo vs. Walker, Texas Ranger

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 14:28:00 GMT

FoxNews is running a poll to determine who wins in a fight, Sly Stallone, who just endorsed John McCain, or Mike Huckabee supporter and bad-ass angel on his shoulder Chuck Norris. Hell yeah!

We decided to run our own poll: Who would you rather? Not between Sly '08 and Norris '08 (that's an easy one-- have you guys seen Rocky 26? I'm not even sure that was really Stallone in it-- maybe he died before shooting and they just moved his mouth with stop motion animation.)

How about McCain-supporting Stallone in Cobra... vs. McCain-style but-Huckabee-supporting Chuck Norris in Missing In Action 2? For the straight guys (like me, thank you very much), whom would you rather take on in an, um, in-no-way-homoerotic fight? For the rest of you: who would you rather...?

Does Johnny Cash Own Chuck Norris, The World's Greatest Human?

Emily Farris — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 19:26:00 GMT

Not too long after posting about The World's Greatest Human, we came across these 10 Reasons Why Johnny Cash Owns Chuck Norris and were shocked to learn that Chuck Norris is a Republican.

"Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever."

Emily Farris — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 17:57:00 GMT

On hour holiday wish list: The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts About the World's Greatest Human. This book really just speaks for itself, so we're going to let it:

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

A cobra once bit Chuck Norris’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya."

Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. Afterward, they were renamed The Islands.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris’s house is a Total Gym.