Scanner : chris farley

Video of the Day: Happy Thanksgiving

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 22:38:00 GMT

If we have to tell you what's after the jump it's time to go back to watching "High School Musical."

Arlo Guthrie Hopes You Can Still Get Anything You Want This Thanksgiving

Scanner Emily's Savory Sweet Potato Recipe

VIDEO: Watch A Turkey Explode: The Dangers of Deep Frying

Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart Mash the Potatoes

Porn Star Lunch Lady Scares Parents

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Louisa C. Tuck, formerly known as Crystal Gunns, has incensed a number of sanctimonious parents who are demanding she be fired from her current job as their elementary school’s part-time cafeteria worker and playground monitor due to her porn star past.

The Daily Journal reports that parents insist Tuck/Gunns be ousted from their Vineland, New Jersey elementary school after learning of her former career, but lawyers on both sides of the issue say there are no legal grounds to give her the pink slip due to the fact that she hasn't done anything illegal.

Tuck says she’s only making $5,772 a year and claims she quit the industry five years ago when she was twenty-seven. We are sure some of these self-righteous parents would rather not talk about the things they did in their twenties, so why not leave the poor woman alone and end the witch hunt?

We assume this may inspire an onslaught of humor-intended pun-ridden porn flick titles (Sloppy Second Joes?) or give new meaning to Adam Sandler’s goofy adolescent 90's anthem, “Lunch Lady Land.”

::Sigh:: we miss Chris Farley.

Related:

Porn Star or American Apparel Model?

The Top 5 Hollywood Players Who Did Porn

Porn Stars: They're Just Like Half of All Adults (By Age 50)

Libertarian Dude, Star of "Predator" and Porn, Is Running For Senate

Ali Lohan: Future Lindsay? Future Porn Star? Is There a Difference?

Marie Claire Writer: I Saw My Sister In A Porn Mag

Photo: Wikimedia

The Last Days of Chris Farley

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:30:00 GMT

"Heidi was hired for Farley by a friend for $2,000. She joined Farley at a party in Lincoln Park (in Chicago) at 11 AM. There were drugs going around..." [Find A Death]

"The Last Days of Chris Farley," a new book due sometime this summer, with Playboy running excerpts in its May issue, and co-authored by his brother Tom, not the sibling who discovered Chris's addiction-ridden body, is said to be the definitive bio of the late funnyman. Among the many great quotes we've found that detail a tragic finish to a great life and career...

David Spade: "I got a lot of shit at the end about 'Why weren't you there for him?' But being that close, I dealt with it all the time. And in that situation, before the guy's dead, he's just kind of an asshole. Truth is, you get a junkie who's wasted all the time and moody and angry and trying to knock you around, you say, 'OK, you go do that, and I'll be over here.' " [via IMDB and Defamer]

Heidi the hooker: "Chris claimed he’d been up for 4 days, without sleep. They tried to have sex, but Chris couldn’t. Cut to 11 PM – Chris and Heidi were back at his apartment in the Hancock building. She was getting pissed off because she wanted to get paid, and Chris claimed that the friend was supposed to pay her. They supposedly tried sex again, unsuccessfully, and finally at 3am she decided to take off. Farley was clearly inebriated, and as she was leaving his apartment, he collapsed about 10 feet from the door.

"Heidi claimed she could hear that he was having difficulty breathing. He said to her, 'Don't leave me.' Figuring he had finally passed out, she snapped a photograph of him lying there and then left."

What a terrible way to go, with your unused hooker taking a picture of your corpse for her photo album. (The photo of his dead body is available on line, but we're not about to include that here. We're not TMZ or some other awful institution.)

We'd prefer to think of him not in that way but as Newt Gingrich... or, better yet, as Chris Farley, Master Pickup Artist...