Scanner : children

Sloppy Seconds: Free Viagra!

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Spring Awakening—the musical that made more than $57 million in the United States and made anyone who went to see it with his or her parents very uncomfortable—is closing in London after only five months. [FlavorWire]

Um, what kind of high school lets the yearbook team publish an upskirt photo? [BuzzFeed]

A new development in the Jon and Kate Plus Eight saga: Jon may not have been the only one allegedly cheating. Apparently, he had long feared that his wife was having an affair with her married bodyguard. [Us]

Ashley Olsen isn't the only woman modeling men's clothing. [AfterEllen]

Could Johnny Depp play Frank Sinatra in the movies? [Vulture]

Elizabeth Edwards will talk about her husband John's mistress, as long as no one mentions her name. [Yahoo!]

Just because you don't have a job, or health insurance, doesn't mean you shouldn't have your Viagra. Pfizer has s unveiled a new program will let people who have lost their jobs and health insurance keep taking some widely prescribed Pfizer medications—including Lipitor and Viagra—for free for up to a year. [Yahoo!]

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[Image]

Today in WTF: Crying Japanese Sumo Baby Contest

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 21:32:00 GMT

We'd heard about this from friends of ours that had lived in Japan, but we couldn't imagine it was an annual event... or that it took place in multiple cities, with throngs of onlookers actually enjoying babies crying at deafening volumes.

Thankfully, LiveLeak has video to go with our story...

The festival translates as "Baby Cry-sumo" and participants are sat facing each other on tiny wrestling mats, then given some a reason to cry about it. The baby that cries the loudest is declared the winner and is considered blessed with health and happiness. Or something.

What weirded us out the most is all the laughing, smiling locals and tourists standing around the screamfest. How the hell can they stand all that? When we're in a restaurant with these monsters, we ask to move to another table, preferably by the kitchen, where the chef's screaming usually drowns out all others and bring us the health and happiness we were seeking.

Is this child abuse or the next Fox reality show, starring fat white Americans? Unfortunately, we'd guess both.

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Shia LaBeouf's Oedipus Complex

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 May 2009 17:49:00 GMT

We're all for boys respecting their mothers and even for thinking that Mama is the most beautiful woman on the planet. But Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull star Shia LaBeouf might have just crossed the creepy line when talking to Playboy.

When asked by the magazine who he thought was the sexiest person he knew, he said it was his mother. But LaBeouf didn't stop there.

“Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She’s an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick as that sounds.”

It does sound sick, Shia. But, on the bright side, this is probably good news for fangirls who look a little like Mama LaBeouf.

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[Via The Inqisitr]

A New Book About Sex, Geared For Toddlers And Up

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 May 2009 17:08:00 GMT

Last year, a 1992 book about sex for kids, written by Narelle Wickham, was re-released with little notice.

That's all changed now that Focus on the Family has found out it contains positive messages about same sex marriage, artificial insemination, and a whole host of other "adult" issues. Oh, and it's being marketed for toddlers...

One ad for the book describes it this way:

It includes simple age appropriate descriptions of sexual intercourse, donor insemination, In Vitro Fertilisation and Gamete Intra Fallopian Transfer, as well as pregnancy, birth, adoption, surrogacy, and same-sex parented families. A pioneering book when first published to wide acclaim in 1992, this new edition is now printed in full colour and includes updated content.

That's not how Focus on the Family, America's greatest source of disturbing press releases, sees it:

The controversial publication, Where Did I Really Come From?, also features a drawing of two gay men holding a baby, in a chapter about surrogacy.

The publisher's marketing spruiks the book, which includes in-depth descriptions of sexual intercourse, as suitable to be read to two-year-old children.

"It devalues the traditional family unit and at the very least desensitises us," Focus On The Family spokeswoman Deb Sorensen said.

In a chapter on assisted conception, the book tells children: "Sometimes, a woman really wants to have a baby but she doesn't want to have intercourse with a man. Some women want to bring up a baby by themselves, or with another woman, so the baby gets two mums.

"A woman may go to a doctor who will arrange to get some sperm for her, or a special man she knows may agree to give her some of his sperm."

The book was... relaunched by Learn to Include [publisher of books with positive gay characters and messages.]

Learn to Include's website says the book's "simple, non-judgmental explanations of sexual intercourse, assisted conception, pregnancy, birth, adoption and surrogacy are "suitable for 2-12 year olds". [News.com.au]

The best part of this entire book are these lines:

A woman and a man hug and caress each other, and the woman accepts the man's penis into her vagina. After a while lots of sperm come out of his penis and into her vagina.

Of course, the book does not get into what happens when the man cannot make sperm come out of his penis. Because that would be too much for a two-year-old's brain to process.

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BBC's Topless Ambition

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Kirsten O'Brien just did a documentary called Kirsten's Topless Ambition for BBC3, which is all about her boobs. More specifically, the documentary discusses the question that has been bugging women in the entertainment industry for years: should I take my boobs out for a wank mag like FHM or keep getting stuck in this Grade-Z TV rut?

O'Brien had been working as the host of a kids show for over 10 years when she took a look around her and realized that all of her female friends in the business were making it big and she was being left behind. As O'Brien told the British press:

"Over the years, it's something I've watched women do, and it's fascinated me.

"Now I'm at a career crossroads and that's the usual point in which women do a shoot, when they say 'I want to get out of kids telly, what do I do? I know, I'll get me swimsuit on and get me la las out'," she says, laughing raucously.

Instead of taking her, uh, "la las out," O'Brien had herself tailed by a camera crew and debacles like this one were captured for posterity:

She dances for the nightclub owner in an attempt to prove she can stop laughing long enough to look good on the podium.

Unsurprisingly, it doesn't go well.

"That was quite interesting! I embraced the challenge of it, there's no point forming an opinion on something unless you've explored it a little bit," she explains.

"The girls I met were lovely too, really friendly and helpful. That's not to say I could do anything by the end of it!

"What's not explained in the documentary is when you see me run upstairs to do my dance for Peter Stringfellow, I've got the most ridiculous tutu on. I was trying to figure out what to wear, and someone said 'Peter's here and he can't wait' so I had to run upstairs, wearing the tutu, but still with with my jogging bottoms on underneath.

"I did want to try properly, I didn't want to mess about, so when Peter started laughing at me I was upset," she continues.

"There was one point when I shouted at him, 'Peter, man, you're not taking this seriously' but he carried on laughing. So much so that I decided to stop.

"I did genuinely try, although it might not look like I did!" [Chester Chronicle]

Sounds like going naked isn't for everyone. Then again, we need some girls-next-door that aren't taking their clothes off to develop crushes on. We can't have all the girls be half-naked because that would take the fun out of wishing they would all get naked.

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Russians Like Big Butts, You Can't Deny

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 16:53:00 GMT

Russians always gotta be different. Sometimes they even take things that Americans love, like binge drinking, and escalate them to absurd levels of worship.

Case in point-- the new sexting craze that is taking Russkies by storm doesn't involve pornographic images (necessarily.) They have, however, taken their love of gigantic backsides to a whole new level of devotion...

After one girl, under the handle VILena, posted the below photo on one of the country's premiere social networking sites, a major cultural trend was born overnight:

This is the photo, which came our way in this censored form, that sparked the following mania:

Wait, what the fuck?

We promise to continue to ~~get to the bottom~~ stay on top of this, now known as Vilena, and other emerging sexual trends.

The call it “to make Vilena-style photo” - Vilena that’s the name of the first girl. By the way, this name has a Soviet origin. After the Communists took over in 1917 and their leader Lenin was a national hero many Russian young parents called their boys and girls after him using his initials and second name. Lenin’s full name was “Vladimir Iliich Lenin” - so new boyish name appeared “VILen” and girlish one two: “VILena”. There were also such names like “Vladlen” or “Vladlena” after “Vladimir Lenin”. [English Russia]

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Want A Happy Marriage? Here's the Solution

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 15:26:00 GMT

MSNBC has a story this morning on a study of the happiest and unhappiest marriages in the United States. What's the secret? Great sex at 52? Living the high life in Brentwood, with gaggles of friends, cocktail parties, and sleek new cars?

Well, MSNBC isn't entirely sure. However, it reports on an eight-year-long study (you know, an actual study, not a telephone survey that will be disproven next week) of 218 married couples and charted their level of happiness over time. The results will come as no surprise to those pessimistic about the perks of bringing children into the world...

The main point uncovered by the study: 90% of couples reported a huge decline in marital satisfaction due to the presence of a child. This we already knew-- but that suspicion was mainly due to sex and the possible lack thereof after children enter into the picture. This study, however, notes an overall dissatisfaction with the marriage itself after the birth of a baby.

The professor of psychology at the University of Denver where the study originated added that other couples experience a decrease in satisfaction over time, but not nearly as rapidly as couples with children. And yes, we probably suspected as much already.

However:

An unrelated study in 2006 of 13,000 people found parents are more depressed than non-parents. Scientists speculate that the problem is partly a modern one, because parents don't get as much help at home as they did in previous generations.
There are key variables to note in the new study.
Couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after the birth of a child than those who lived separately before marriage, as did those whose parents fought or divorced.

The most interesting result we came across noted that those who said kids made their marriage stronger were making more money and had been married longer.

Via MSNBC.

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Mel Gibson's Wife Comes to Her Senses, Files for Divorce

While You Were Sleeping: Teen Faces Prison For Having An Abortion

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:25:00 GMT

A 27-year-old woman is upset that a 63-year-old man has threatened to post nude photos of her on the internet.

Mia Farrow plans to go on a hunger strike to raise awareness of the crisis in Darfur.

This Wal-Mart employee may be the dumbest person alive: he stole a whole bunch of merchandise from the store, then advertised the items as "for sale" on the break room bulletin board.

A Supreme Court ruling from yesterday means police officers may not be able to search your car without a warrant.

A 19-year-old in Australia faces up to 14 years in prison for having an abortion. Of course, it's more complicated than that...

Researchers may have discovered that lice can prevent asthma.

This video proves there is such a thing as too much money in a political campaign.

This genius is in college, double majoring, and maintaining a 3.83 GPA. And he's 12.

And Miss California claims she knew as soon as she answered that gay marriage question that she would lose the competition.

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How to Make A Baby

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:34:00 GMT

Do any of our readers have kids that have asked them how they can put a baby in someone? (Wait, you people might have children-- that's frightening.)

If so, you can always show them this handy, cutesy, and mercifully short little video, after which your children will tell everyone they can get pregnant from a blow job.

This Teenage Sex Tape Craze Is Getting Out of Hand...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:28:00 GMT

And you thought it had gone too far when those two kids were arrested for making a sex tape of a consenting couple...

According to the Associated Press in Florida:

The Monroe County Sheriff's office has charged 10 teens from the Florida Keys with making child pornography after detectives confiscated a videotape of a 16-year-old runaway girl having sex with a 19-year-old man.
Authorities said the investigation started when a 14-year-old runaway told a school resource officer that she was worried her friend -- the girl having sex on the tape -- had been raped. The girl who appeared in the video denied being raped.
The teens, seven boys and three girls age 13 to 19, face charges of sexual performance by a child, a second-degree felony. Eight of the 10 were arrested Wednesday; the other two are out of town and will be arrested when they return.

Okay, one to operate the camera... another to hold the boom... my, this is a serious production now. So, we gotta ask, what were the other half-dozen participants doing during all this? Your suspicions, in the comments...

Via AP/ABC News.

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Paraguay Has Its Very Own Bill Clinton-Style Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:53:00 GMT

This post marks the first time we've ever linked to Al Jazeera, at least that I can recall. Not that we're afraid of what Sean Hannity and his McCarthyite followers might say.

Rather, the famed Arabic news service is rarely one to break major sex scandals... until now. And we're glad we didn't miss this one like Fox News already has, because it has three classic scandal plot points...

1) Fernando Lugo, the President of Paraguay, has admitted to fathering a child out of wedlock with Viviana Carrillo, who was not even his girlfriend at the time.

2) The boy is almost two, making the woman 24 and and Lugo 55 at the time of conception.

3) Lugo was technically still a Roman Catholic bishop at the time he knocked up the young woman. He was staying with her at her godmother's house when their sexual relationship began, culminating in the birth of the boy almost a year before he won the Presidency. So, he didn't knock anybody up while in office (that we know of), but don't forget that the Pope had actually turned down his request be relieved of the vows of celibacy-- even after the boy's birth. (Pope Benedict eventually gave in.)

This all only came to light when the woman was forced to file a paternity suit against the Paraguayan President-- he thought he could pull a John Edwards up until the last minute. More via Al Jazeera.

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Mel Gibson's Wife Comes to Her Senses, Files for Divorce

Emily Farris — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 18:31:00 GMT

There was a time when Mel Gibson was a sexy man. That time was long ago. In fact, it was probably around 1980 when he married his wife Robyn. While all (perceived) sex appeal went out the door for us when he went all crazy Christian warrior a few years ago, Robyn was able to hold out a little longer. But she, too, has her limits.

After 28 years of marriage, Robyn GIbson filed a petition for divorce in Los Angeles citing irreconcilable differences. The petition doesn't give any details about the break-up and according to Yahoo!, Mrs. Gibson is only seeking jewelry, other property and joint custody of their 9-year-old-son.

Apparently, not even the Passion of Mel Gibson is enough to keep a marriage alive. But whatever, Mel is born. Mel is risen. Mel will come again.

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While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil In Trouble Again

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:54:00 GMT

Who cares if it makes us sound like a two-year-old: we can't stop shouting "I want! I want! I want!" when we watch this video about Tweenbots.

It was the biggest Easter box-office of all time, thanks to Hannah Montana topping that dumb car race movie.

First, gay marriage and now sexting will be legal in Vermont?

A good way to figure out how to meet people is to find out how other people are meeting people.

Blake Fielder-Civil apparently knocked up his mistress.

This photo of a woman getting chewed on by a polar bear is scary and one of the strangest we've ever seen in a major news story.

It took long enough: the porn industry is working on a Seinfeld "parody."

A truly awful story keeps getting worse: parents of a ten-year-old who was killed while offroading by a highway are suing the driver who hit her, a man who was already cleared of wrongdoing.

It may be time to attempt an intervention: Suri Cruise is going to attend Scientology school.

And Roger Federer got married.

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Who Would You Rather: Brad Pitt vs. Every Other Man in the World?

Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 18:28:00 GMT

Angelina Jolie can't get no satisfaction. Though the actress has a bazillion kids with one of the hottest men in the world, she is apparently ready to make their relationship a little more open. Rumor has it that Jolie told Pitt she wants to take "other lovers." According to reports a "source" says, “Angie has never been a traditional kind of girl, especially when it comes to romance. Even though Brad was attracted to her unconventional behaviour initially, at his core he’s a traditional guy. As open-minded as he tries to be, he certainly wouldn’t be fine with her sleeping with another man and would definitely have resented the suggestion, even if it was a petulant slip of the tongue on her part.”

Of course, we have to ask: if you had to choose between sleeping with Brad Pitt or having your choice of every other man in the world, who would you rather?

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[Image, Image]

[Source]

Get in Shape, Girl!

Colleen Kane — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 14:31:00 GMT

Everybody knows that a big part of working out is casually mentioning that you just totally worked out. At least that's how it is for me (and by the way I just totally worked out). But because I am a child of the '80s, I physically cannot write or say the phrase "get in shape" without adding "girl" on the end of it. Thanks, line of exercise equipment from the 1980s that helpfully reminded young girls not to be fat!

If you aren't similarly brainwashed, this commercial will explain it all...

For the physically challenged ~~kids~~ girls of today, Hasbro recently released new sets in the GISG line.

Want to know what I was working out to earlier? This.

It was, as Alyssa Milano observed, way cool.

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Teenage Girl Sues Her Father For Grounding Her, Wins

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

A 12-year-old girl (now apparently 13) sued her father in 2008 for denying her permission to attend a class trip because she was grounded. According to the father, the child had been using the internet at his house after being instructed not to. He claims the girl was visiting sites he had previously blocked and possibly sharing pornographic images of herself.

This is a no-brainer, right? But this textbook example of a frivolous lawsuit not only wasn't thrown out, it's gone through one initial trial and an appeal, both of which resulted in the girl coming out ahead. How is this even possible?

Of course, there is a lot more to this story. Even the original CBC reporter who wrote extensively about the case neglected to mention the bitter (and I mean BITTER) divorce proceedings. The mother, it is alleged, heard about the grounding and decided she would pay for the trip herself, chaperone, and help the girl sue her father with the help of her mother's attorney. (Of course, you could look at it another way-- perhaps the mother was into the trip before the grounding, so the father found and excuse to mess with them.) Either way, this child is being manipulated by one or both awful parents-- and, even worse, the idiot judge let all proceed as if there were a real case here. Instead, he should have fined both parents $100,000 and taken the kid away from them. Okay, that's a little harsh, we admit-- $100,000 US is like $8 billion Canadian.

Seriously, though, check out what judicial jackass (i.e. the winning attorney) had to say about this:

"Going to court was a last resort," said Lucie Fortin, a legal aid attorney who represented the girl. "The question was that there was a problem between the father and the mother, and the child asked the court to intervene because it was important to her.

"The trip was very important to her."

The last resort? The last resort for us would've been for a compromise and the girl to lose internet at his house for six months but still go on the trip. Maybe. "The trip was very important to her?" Then maybe she shouldn't have used the internet after being instructed not to. For all the punishments we endured as kids, almost every one of them was because we broke a rule we knew better than to break. Tough. Shit. Girl.

The father and mother are no longer speaking, by the way. And so we move on into the 21st century, having learned so little...

Via CBC.

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SATC Penis Guy's Wife Loves His Sexy Dancing

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 19:33:00 GMT

This is Gilles Marini. Like us, you may not recognize the name Gilles Marini. In fact, you might not even recognize his face. But if you saw the Sex and the City movie you probably caught a glimpse of his sizable schlong. Or if you (unlike Scanner Brian) have been watching Dancing with the Stars, you might also have seen his junk—through his dance pants, of course. And you know what? Keep looking. Look all you want. Because his wife doesn't give a fuuuuck. In fact, she's not even worried that his partner is Cheryl Burke, who was rumored* to have been sleeping with her DWTS Season One partner, Drew Lachey. So, why is Marini's wife Carole so comfortable with her husband getting other women all hot and bothered?

Because “she’s French,” said Marini. “The more sexy it is [on the show] the better it is for her. Tonight she told me, ‘I saw that shaking booty stuff, you’re going to have to show it to me [at home].”

“Imagine if you do that job and you have a wife in the house or a husband in the house who is very kind of jealous and possessive, things would collapse,” he said in an interview with the website jenandbarbmomlife.com. “If I don’t have my wife at my side I have nothing. And so she is there pushing me and always kissing me and saying, ‘I am so proud of you.’”

Apparently, she pushes real good. The couple have been married for eleven years and have two children together.

[People: Gilles Marini Says Wife Loves His Sexy Dancing]

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*We are not trying to perpetuate this rumor, only acknowlede its existence.

So You Think You Can Dance Better Than A Third Grader?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 13:20:00 GMT

This is exactly what we needed to kick off the week: a seriously badass brother and sister improvisational dance team.

Hopefully, these kids will grow up, find this on YouTube, and realize maybe it's actually pretty cool that their parents captured this moment in time. One commenter muses: "As Jack Donaghy says, In five years we'll all either be working for him or be dead by his hand." We'll tweak that a bit: he's either the next Black Michael Jackson or a future Melendez brother.

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Sloppy Seconds: Michelle Obama Does the Unthinkable

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:41:00 GMT

MSNBC has finally discovered fuck buddies. And that college students have them. [MSNBC]

Will items off of the Chipotle value menu have fewer calories? We sure hope so. [Yahoo!]

We always wonder why people who spend lots of money to have signs, boxes, etc. printed don't get copy editors. An Oregon company probably could have used one before printing a phone sex number on their cereal box. [Google/AP]

Starting next month, same-sex couples can be legally married in Sweden. [BBC]

More "celebrities" blogging about their relationship woes. Meh. [People]

Madonna is already celebrating the adoption of a child she has not yet officially adopted. [Us]

A man in China swallowed a pair of scissors. And survived! [Telegraph]

For the first time in 57 years, the Queen of England publicly hugged someone (sort-of). And that someone was Michelle Obama. And then Obama hugged the Queen back (sort-of)! Apparently, this is a big deal. [DailyMail]

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Website Stockpiles Your Worst In-Flight Experiences

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:12:00 GMT

The worst experience we ever had on a plane wasn't really anyone's fault: we were flying from New York to Minneapolis during the Presidential campaign in 2004. For some reason, we had agreed to see in the last row of the plane, next to the toilets. We'd rather pay $400 more per flight than experience that nastiness again.

Anyway, that wasn't the reason it was so awful. We get motion sickness from turbulence and the weather that night was beyond awful-- there's nothing crazier than looking down at lightning-- with huge gusts of wind sending the whole plane into a panic. A flight attendant on her day off was sitting next to us, buying us Scotches and being a terrible flirt. That would have helped a lot, except after a violent, sudden drop, she said quietly, "Oh, no... this is not good."

Somehow, we survived, as did all of these poor souls who faced violence, turbulence, scary noises, and other sounds that were entirely the work of people on the plane. Can you top these crazy tales from Flights From Hell?

Of course, this is an international flight so after making her announcements in English, she proceeds to repeat them in German. The guy starts huffing and complaining that he's sick of hearing that damn German gibberish already! Uh-oh, I'm thinking. But the fun had only just begun. He proceeds to order two double scotches as soon as humanly possible and downs them in nothing flat. Then the woman in front of him tries to recline her seat. He plants his feet and presses with his fists against her seat with all of his might (of course he had HIS seat reclined as far back as possible). She looks back to see if something is wrong and he pretends that nothing happened! Shortly, he fails to remain vigilant and she manages to recline her seat a little...so he starts punching the seat! As hard as he could, he punched the seat in front of him. The poor woman was going to get whiplash.
When I showed her the [barf] bag, I was astonished by her reaction. I figured, “Hey, they deal with sort of thing all the time.” But no, she turned her nose at me and told me to put it under the seat! I was shocked. Not only did the people next to me have to deal with the sound of my retching, but now they (and I) had to deal with the faint but lingering smell of puke from the bag and the fact that it would be under the seat for the rest of the four and a half hour flight.
He situates himself, waits until we take off, and proceeds to take off his shoes....first the right, then the left....followed by, of course, his socks - first the right then the left.....he then begins to PICK at the dead, scaly skin on his feet. I'm not kidding - he used his finger nails to scrape, scrape and pull the dead skin from his heels, his toes, the arch of his foot. After a few minutes, I thought - surely someone would say something to stop him. Definitely the poor person sitting next to him would eventually get fed up at the disgustingness of the situation to ask him to stop. Nope...no one - not a flight attendant, NO ONE said a word.
Two rows behind her on the plane was a mother, father, and their young toddler-aged daughter. The daughter misbehaved terribly. She would sing out loud, kick the seat, toss crayons into the aisles, and pretty much just do whatever she wanted. Luckily, the flight wasn't long, because the mother and father never said anything to encourage the child to stop misbehaving. When the flight did land, a woman sitting in front of the parents and child turned and said, "You should know that your child is one of the most worst behaved children I have ever seen," and proceeded up the aisle to disembark. The next thing you know, the mother flies out of her seat and literally runs up the aisle after the woman. The child asks her father, "Where did mommy go?" He tells her, "Mommy's going to kick some ass."

Ah, there's something to be said for road trips, isn't there? More stories here.

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Why in the Christ Do You Have a Kid?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

A new website called "Why the Fuck Do You Have A Kid?"-- is a sort of baffled liberal person's response to Bristol Palin, Jamie Lynn Spears, and the rest of these raised-by-Christian-conservatives teenage moms. Of course, it features disturbing photos that say all we'll ever need to know about their lives.

Some of it, of course, is silly and much of it is patently offensive. A few of the photos, however, need to be laughed at to cover the horror we feel deep down for the babies pictured therein:

This girl doesn't look old enough to conceive a child let alone raise one. The rest fare no better.

While the site is arguably awful, even borderline-worthless, perhaps it will be part of a growing movement of people who aren't afraid to say, "Hey, look, it's great that your teenager wants to bring life into the world, but they can wait five or ten years, since they aren't even allowed to drink when the baby won't stop crying."

A better way to put it might be that the growing acceptance of teen pregnancy by conservative culture (when it isn't an African American teenager whose family is on welfare, of course) has us worried that teenagers will find that there is no longer any taboo about getting pregnant, just about having sex.

Via WTFDYHAK.

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Today in WTF?: Man Pours Chili on His Pregnant Girlfriend

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:11:00 GMT

Domestic disturbances are getting really, um, disturbing lately. First there was the woman who handcuffed herself to her husband and then bit the shit out of him because she wanted to talk and now we hear the story of a man who poured chili on his pregnant girlfriend because he didn't want to go to the other room to watch TV.

The 26-year-old victim told investigators her boyfriend, with whom she has two children and is nine weeks pregnant, came home Thursday evening and wanted to watch TV in their bedroom.

Boyfriend Edd M. Johnson, 21, is accused of kicking the TV and breaking it after she asked that he watch TV in the other room of the residence in the 2900 block of Southeast Delmar Street. The victim went to slice the power cord of the other TV with scissors when police said Johnson grabbed her neck and pulled her away.

The victim called her sister, who called the sheriff’s office. She grabbed her kids and got in her vehicle when Johnson came out with a can of chili.

“Edd also grabbed at (the victim’s) bra which tore off of her,” the report states. “Edd then poured the chili into the vehicle over the drivers seat of the vehicle and on (the vicitm)”

Deputies noted a “brown liquid substance” over the driver’s seat and on the left side of the victim’s face and ear. The 10-month-old child also had some in her hair.

Ew.

One would think that in these tough economic times we should be hoarding non-perishable chili, not using it as a weapon.

[TCPalm: Stuart man accused of pouring chili on girlfriend during argument]

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The Dark Knight Starting To Inspire Copycat Crazies

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 14:54:00 GMT

We're surprised it's taken this long for the world's bumbling criminals to fall in love with Heath Ledger's depiction of The Joker, perhaps one of the most memorable villains in Hollywood history.

First, a tragic example of someone who took the joke a little too far, followed by a more positive note...

Army Spc. Christopher Lanum, 25, a suspect in the stabbing of a fellow soldier, Spc. Mitchell Stone, at Fort Eustis, was killed hours after the attack when he pointed a loaded shotgun at police after a chase. He had reportedly painted his face and dressed to look like The Joker, the villain from Batman comics and the movie The Dark Knight.

Lanum was apparently obsessed with the villain, according to reports filed yesterday in U.S. District Court in Norfolk. The records stated that Patsy Montowski, Lanum's girlfriend, indicated that Lanum:
"said everything The Joker did he did for a reason, like killing people, and that he agreed with the philosophy of doing things for a reason." [SNAFU-ed]

Perhaps the most depressing part of the tale is their quote from Lanum's mother: "All I can tell you is that Christopher served 18 months in Iraq and he never came actually home to us."

Another young man adopted the movie character as his hero, with very different results:

"Some kid dressed up as the Joker was caught stealing movie posters from a theatre's lobby and was consequently arrested for it." Holy hooligans! Phony 'Joker' arrested in Michigan [Comcast.net]

The mugshot, seen here, is almost adorable.

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If Teenagers Can Have Sex, Why Can't They Have Sex Toys?

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:25:00 GMT

Kids get toy cars before they're old enough to drive, toy phones before they're old enough to get a cell phone account, toy ovens before they're old enough to play with fire and combustible gasses and even toy guns before they're too young to get a hunting license. So why can't teenagers who are old enough to engage in sexual activity get their hands on a few sex toys?

Seems kind-of fucked up when you consider that the legal age for consensual sex is under 18 in most places, but to enter a sex toy shop one needs to be at least that age. (Interesting aside: the legal age of sexual consent in Canada is 16 while the legal age for anal sexual consent is 18.)

Says one columnist in Canada:

"It sends a clear message to young people: Having sex with someone else is acceptable, but exploring your own body by masturbating with anything more than your own two hands is not."

Though the sale of sex toys is a states issue here in the United States, it's pretty much the same situation: it's legal to have sex at 17, it's just not legal to buy sex toys.

We can't begin to know the laws regulating the sale of sex toys to minors (or to now one, ahem, Alabama) in each state. But our friendly neighbors to the north have no laws on the books restricting the sale of sex toys, sold as “adult novelty items,” to anyone under the age of 18, yet stores will only allow those 18 and over to enter.

“I don’t think it’s an intentional double standard… They think they’re following the rules, is my hunch,” says Carlyle Jansen, owner of Good for Her.

Jansen says her understanding of the law restricts the sale of pornographic imagery in any medium to minors. “But sex toys, there don’t seem to be any regulations around who can purchase those and not. For example we allow people to bring their kids into the store or some people will come in and buy their daughter or son their first vibrator.

“I think the double standard comes out of the fact that we sort of ignore youth.”

So maybe that's why they're all turning up with STDs and/or babies in them?

[XTRA: Teens get shaft in struggle for sex toys]

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Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:19:00 GMT

The Britney Spears Concert Experience has always come off as a lame run-through of music that was immediately disposable, masked by "sexy" dancers and Kiss-inspired pyrotechnics. For all the "energy" Britney claims to have, it never translates publicly-- from lazy parenting to chewing gum with her mouth open and droning on about how great George Bush is, she can't seem to realize that people need to be impressed. That she isn't going to win over haters with her bad attitude and lack of enthusiasm for her own material should be obvious.

Those weaknesses are visible in this horrible concert performance from Tampa, Florida last night. At the end of "Slave 4 U" (lame, lame, lame), Brit appears to lose the bottom of her dress... according to the internet.

Starpulse and several other sources claim that at the end of this number (skip to the last ten seconds or so of the first clip), Britney's vagina popped out of her outfit... although we can't really see anything even when we blow the video up to fit the screen. UPDATE: Second clip doesn't confirm a slip, but does confirm what she said afterward:

[H]er leotard ripped, accidentally exposing her naked crotch to the audience.
The singer had just finished performing I'm A Slave 4 U and was being lowered beneath the stage when she revealed her costume blunder. Failing to realize her microphone as still on, she said, "My pussy was hanging out!" - causing the arena to erupt in laughter. But she refused to let the mishap hold up her set, with Spears completing her costume change and continuing on with the show. [Starpulse]

How do they know she wasn't talking to the audience? Just because she was being lowered down doesn't mean she thought her mic would be off. After all, this is Britney Spears we're talking about-- should we be surprised that she thought this revelation would be beneficial to the concert experience? Judging by her lackluster performance prior to the alleged slip, it shouldn't be any surprise that she doesn't really know what she's doing.

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While You Were Sleeping: Oscar Upsets?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

As Emily would say, with a headline like this, you don't need a story: woman stops bullet with her hair weave.

We saw a surprisingly riveting and ultimately transcendent Leonard Cohen concert last night, his first in 15 years. If you have any interest in seeing him, he'll be at Coachella, as well as a string of U.S. and Canadian venues, in April and May.

A photo of Rihanna taken shortly after Chris Brown's arrest seems to confirm the original, horrifying story. (Note: This is not a direct link to the photo. To do that, click on the word TMZ when you get to MTV's story about the photo-- but don't say we didn't warn you.)

Can Melissa Leo pull off an upset at the Oscars? Can Meryl Streep... or anyone? Seriously, in any category. Surprise us-- Werner Herzog takes the Best Documentary statue... Milk takes the top prize from that enjoyable, predictable, far-from-art picture Slumdog Millionaire.

Speaking of the Oscars, the guy who sells pills to Mickey Rourke's character in The Wrestler has been arrested on a similar charge. Prior to his capture, he rammed three cop cars-- now, that's what we call "roid rage." Har har.

What's worse? Our story about the fifth-grade girl who traded sex with a drug dealer for some of his pot or these kids, busted at the age of eight for heroin possession?

Dita Von Teese lied: she was never celibate after her marriage. We knew all along, from personal experience, of course.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers will continue their hiatus, while Simon and Garfunkel are getting back together.

Let's end on a feel-good story for a change. How about these generous and wonderful New Mexicans, eh?

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12-Year-Old Girl Forced To Do Something Horrible At Teacher's Behest

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 19:28:00 GMT

And no, it's not have his baby...

A teacher named Steve Davis at-- here's a name for ya-- Seven Hills Middle School in Nevada City, California has brought his entire school district shame, not to mention a major lawsuit, after what he forced a twelve-year-old girl to do at his request.

Davis has not publicly explained why he forced the unnamed girl to take a pregnancy test that involved giving a urine sample. The school, for that matter, hasn't explained why any nurse in their right mind gave Davis the pregnancy test to give to his adolescent student. And, of course, no one is talking about the case at all, since it's bound to cost the district millions.

Here's the saddest part of all: based on what we've read in various news outlets in California, it seems that Davis heard "rumors" of the girl's pregnancy from a girl who has a history of spreading unsubstantiated rumors about the victim and still he did not dismiss them. Of course, this all begs the obvious question:

Why was Steve Davis forcing anyone, let alone a 12-year-old student, to take a pregnancy test for any reason?

Here's one of the many news stories about the case.

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With Headlines Like These Who Needs Stories?

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 19:19:00 GMT

If it happened in a Kansas Walmart, you know it has to be good...

Man Arrested For Masturbating In Shawnee Walmart Toy Aisle

The complete story:

SHAWNEE, KAN. - A man was arrested Thursday night after witnesses said he masturbated in the toy aisles at a Shawnee Walmart.

Lt. Bill Hisle with Shawnee Police said employees saw the man in the store on W 65th Street and he was taken into custody.

Did we really even need to bother with those two wee sentences?

Wait! There's more!

Lawrence Man Arrested For Animal Cruelty, Sodomy

Find that story here.

[Fox4 via Plog]

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This Kid Is Sooo Wasted...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:02:00 GMT

The only time we've ever driven under the influence is after a visit to the dentist. We can't remember why we needed so much "laughing gas" and novocaine (or whatever it was they gave me before, one assumes, jumping my bones and filming it, a la that Seinfeld episode), but in any case, we remember turning on the car and "Mrs. Robinson" coming over the radio. For some reason, this was all of a sudden the funniest song ever recorded, and we began to sing along in a deliberate monotone that made the song sound like William Shatner with a brutal hangover. Then we started up the car and drove home, not remembering how to get there.

This 7-year-old boy got to have that experience, thankfully years before being allowed to drive. Luckily, his father, who apparently has no shame (or fear of being accused of exploiting children for YouTube glory), had promised to record the boy's tooth removal procedure in a kind of "before and after." Don't ask us why he thought the kid wanted this-- it doesn't really make much sense. Anyway, the poor kid is absolutely out of his mind-- veering from lucid blubbering to high-pitched screaming and back again in just under ten seconds.

Also, he is wearing a Florida Gators football t-shirt. That really says it all for us: this took place in Florida, the nation's craziest state.

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Lego Superman Takes the Low Road

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Lego Superman Takes the Low Road

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 16:01:00 GMT

We get the feeling whiny pacifists will love this video. Its biggest YouTube fans seem to be of the "I hate Superman, but I love this" variety.

To us, the only way someone could hate Superman is if they hate all superheroes, mainly because of "all that fighting and violence," however cartoonish. Perhaps the maker of this video realized there was an audience for a reactionary type of YouTube video-- oh, never mind, just enjoy. There's only one joke in it and the clip is only about a minute long-- plus, you've already wasted nearly that much time listening to this bt of pointless "insight."

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