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Ex-Mayor in Michigan Arrested For Having Sex in the Street

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:42:00 GMT

Kim Capello, a 56-year-old man who used to be the Mayor pro term of Novi, just outside of Detroit, was arrested last month for indecent exposure.

While it's always news when a politician is arrested for whipping out his boner (Kim is currently the Oakland County Commissioner-- see above), there is more to this story than simple indecency...

On the morning of April 18th, police respond to a complaint about two people getting randy against a wall near a strip of bars and restaurants in town. Upon arriving, the cops found Capello and a 37-year-old woman having sex in the middle of the sidewalk, with pedestrians passing by and presumably fleeing in horror. It should also be noted that Capello is Republican family man-- he has been married for 21 years to his law partner wife, with whom he shares an office, according to the local news. The couple also have three kids.

Strangely enough, the woman has not been charged with any crime, while her lover faces up to three months in jail when he appears in court next month.

Via ClickOnDetroit.

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Most Bizarre Stakeout Ever Ends in Penis Severing

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:02:00 GMT

You would think the most bizarre thing about a woman biting off her boss's penis would be the part where the woman bites off her boss's penis.

You obviously haven't been reading Nerve for very long...

An unidentified 30-year-old female in Singapore will probably never give oral again-- and her boss never receive it-- after this disturbing incident. While the married lady was going down on her superior in a park car, a van crashed into them, similar to that scene in The World According to Garp where the cheating wife is blowing her young student and Robin Williams pulls into the driveway and... ow.

The most bizarre part of the story is that the lovers were found by the private detective that was spying on them on behalf of the woman's husband.

The woman ran from the scene screaming, her mouth covered in blood, but ultimately accompanied her man (no, the other one) to the hospital, where he was treated but probably not fully repaired.

Via Metro.

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"You Traitor Pig!"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:34:00 GMT

Yesterday, we showed you why it's important to avoid Facebook when you're pretending to need a sick day from work.

Today, we'll show an even more dangerous trap users can fall in to-- especially if those users are planning on having a wild bachelor party...

A guy, known in the media as Antonio M., was tagged in a photo on the social networking site-- the photo, it so happens, featured what appears to be a naked stripper behind him. (In the first place, nudity isn't allowed on the website-- so why did he even bother?) Instead of yelling at him for hanging out with naked women, his fiancee flipped the fuck out: she and a friend printed hundreds of posters (see above) and tacked them up around their Italian town, particularly near his office, the homes of their mutual friends, and other places of interest during their relationship. She called him a "traitor pig" for cavorting with this young woman, although there really isn't any evidence he did anything but have a stripper at his bachelor party (or attend a strip club or something similar.)

It doesn't matter-- 28-year-old Valerie A. signed the letter "your former betrothed bride and the 548 guests of our wedding."

Via Metro.

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Nevada Governor's Sex Scandal May Top Eliot Spitzer's

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:50:00 GMT

Jim Gibbons, Republican Governor of Nevada and accused sexual assailant, is one helluva piece of work. We've previously told you about Gibbons and an incident involving a waitress who claims she was assaulted and told to "shut up" by the Governor one night in a parking garage, although no charges were filed.

Now, the juicy details of the Gibbons family divorce are burning up the wire...

Mrs. Dawn Gibbons was sick of Gibbons and his philandering, although it was the Governor who filed for divorce last spring. Nonetheless, she has a bone to pick with him about his affairs with two specific women, although more infidelities are alleged.

1) One woman received approximately 860 texts from Gibbons's state-issued cell. When this information first came to light, Romeo was forced to reimburse $130. According to USA Today, Gibbons denies these were love notes.

2) As depicted in the photograph above, the Love Gov. is alleged to have snatched up a colleague's ex-wife: specifically the ex-wife of Reno's Mayor, who happens to be Leslie Durant, a former Playboy bunny and, we believe, Miss September 1989, something not reported in the mainstream media. (See here for a blog that discusses their relationship and outs her as 9/89's girl.) UPDATE: It has come to our attention that someone other than a Leslie Durant was Miss September that year, although there is a variety of evidence Leslie Durant (probably under her maiden name) appeared in Playboy that month.

Let us remind everyone that it's better to break up with someone than to cheat on them and try to get away with it. Gibbons hasn't learned that lesson from Bill Clinton or Spitzer, apparently.

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Married British Barrister Billed Client For Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 18:06:00 GMT

But he didn't just bill his client for sex. He didn't just bill her for sex they had in expensive hotel rooms. He billed her 250 pounds an hour for that sex...

It gets better: 46-year-old attorney Marc Beaumont got client (yes, this is her real name) Anal Sheikh drunk on multiple occasions and slept with her, then later billed her for his time in that absurd amount. Either this is the best sex since Eliot Spitzer was Governor of New York or-- no, it apparently wasn't. Sheikh was furious and went to the press... which probably won't sit too well with... Mrs. Beaumont.

According to the Telegraph:

...things turned sour after Mr Beaumont's wife, Michele, 50, allegedly found out about their relationship and locked him out of the house and he was concerned she would "trash his office".
She claimed Mrs Beaumont later phoned her, threatening to "destroy" her.
Yet despite apparently agreeing with his wife not to see her face to face, she alleged Mr Beaumont wanted to continue the affair. She alleges that the couple met and kissed and he even asked and colleague to lie about his whereabouts if his wife should telephone his office.

Miss Shiekh claims Mr Beaumont acted negligently and gave her bad legal advice on a string of occasions.

Among that terrible advice, we're guessing: "have sex with me."

Via the Telegraph.

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Top 5 "The Price Is Right" Clips

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:35:00 GMT

When we were younger, we couldn't stand The Price Is Right. We've always recoiled violently from advertising and even more so from subliminal advertising and product placement. But when it was announced that Bob Barker would retire and, recently, that the Drew Carey version is going off the air next month, we felt it was time to reconsider America's greatest daytime show.

Barker has always struck us as a heroic common man figure-- a guy who put in 35 years at the same job without complaint (after all, it must have become redundant around year four), did 50 years in show business, and even poked fun at himself at the end of his career in Happy Gilmore instead of resting on his laurels.

It turns out, Barker returned to the set yesterday to film a show airing April 6th in which he co-hosts with Carey and promotes his new, for-charity memoir. In honor of this wonderful man and his charming, charmed life, we present our Five Favorite Moments From the Bob Barker Price Is Right...

5) Hordes of Excited Women Molest Bob Barker. You only need to watch the first fifteen-twenty seconds to remember why Bob Barker quit the show due to his age and serious back injuries. At 2:18, watch as Colonel Sanders pulls the same move. And at 8:15, don't miss Ethel's "dream" about Bob.

4) Tidy cats. We'll never look at our roommate's cat the same way.

3) Nipple slip! A Price Is Right model endures a nipple slip on national television. Wait a minute, this show is live?! (Forunately for the squares running CBS, you can't really see anything with the credits going up.)

2) TIE: A Model and a Gentleman and The Third Time's The Charm. Believe it or not, there were countless on-air marriage proposals during Barker's 35-year run and we weren't able to choose between these two. Try not to choke up a bit here...

1) Cheating Emerson student -- is there any other kind? Bob Barker famously walks off the set and say, "I'm going home." It may not be as powerful as the last couple, but this may have been the most-publicized moment in the entire show's history. Barker rarely got upset with anyone, but this time, you believe it...

You can watch the final minutes of his final show here, by the way.

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6 Tips on Cheating And Getting Away with It

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 17:10:00 GMT

This week, the website Brobible put up a list of six rules for cheating guys to live by. Unfortunately, folks, a good many people think the way this writer does...

Nothing against monogamy, polyamory, polygamy, or whatever relationship you prefer, but this list has nothing to do with anything like that. This is more of a How to Cheat And Get Away With It has something (or everything) to offend everyone:

1. Try to date women with the same name.
2. Don't promise exclusivity with either girl.
3. Even if she is aware that you are not being monogamous, maintain a "don't ask, don't tell policy" when it comes to each other's bedroom behavior.
4. At some point, the inevitable question of "Where are we going with this?" will ultimately arise. To avoid leading anyone on, simply be upfront and state that you are not looking for a relationship. You might want to throw in, "But I'm not sure what I'll want in the future," to soften the blow.

5. Don't let either girl leave personal belongings at your place.
6. Wrap it up [use a condom.]

Except for #4, that's just the headlines... so you'll either have to read the whole thing or trust us that the rest is equally offensive. You'll note that it doesn't say women should ever try to have multiple boyfriends at the same time, while lying to them all, because that would hurt this dude's feelings.

What do you think? BroBible or... BroBile? (See what we did there? Nifty, huh?)

[Image]

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Slimy Married Dude Thinks His Sneaky Strip Club Visits Are A Good Thing

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 20:32:00 GMT

Today on Your Tango, some busy business man makes excuses for his strip club addiction, telling us that it "helps" his marriage.

His other reasons are equally unbelieveable...

Let's be clear: if your man plies his trade taking client abuse or has ever attended a conference that finds him in a hotel banquet hall for 12 hours of Powerpoint torture, you can assume your honey has blown off steam, at least once, by contributing to some gal's plastic surgery fund, one crumpled bill at a time.

I am the garden-variety business-traveling strip club patron, for whom a lap dance with a client is like a harmless game of golf. You tuck a dollar bill or five or 20 inside a G-string, sit back for an innocent bump n' grind, have a few laughs with associates over the thundering drums of a Motley Crue song, wonder where your money went as you comb the sticky carpet looking for stray bills around your seat, and leave the joint lighter of both heart and wallet.

My wife knows she has absolutely nothing to worry about, and neither do most women. She knows I would not blow her trust by paying a scantily clad woman $500 to take my pasty, fat married ass into some back room for an hour. No good can come of that. Plus I'm too lazy to bulldoze my tracks and too cheap to burn a good Brooks Brothers shirt when perfume and glitter won't come out of the fabric.

Now, that's not a wholesale guarantee of good male behavior, and I don't pretend to represent mankind as a whole. My wife and I have been married for 16 years; the drama quotient is remarkably low, the passion remarkably hot and we've never needed any chemical or psychological intermediaries to keep it that way.

"You can take care of yourself to your heart's content in a hotel room, but you best not bring that filth into my bedroom," declared one of my wife's friends when I intentionally brought up the subject of shaker bars at our holiday party. Interestingly, she said this to no one in particular at maximum volume, avoiding the repentant gaze of her husband. From my vantage point, it looked like the mini-qiuiche he was swallowing suddenly turned to broken glass.
Do I bring my stripper-induced sensory overload into the bedroom? You bet I do! My wife and I have known one another since college, and over the years we have achieved the perfect blend of familiarity and mystery by sharing fantasies without breaking trust. Though she doesn't bring a director and makeup trailer to bed, I'm sure that some nights after a Mad Men episode I am her Jon HammSex is not only about love, but about play as well, and if she closes her eyes once in a while to pretend she is riding someone's see-saw, that's OK by me. understudy.
After years of monogamy and two kids, sexuality is not the stuff of romance novels. It's not that easy and never that clean. Some men fish off the company pier.

But not this dude. He just finds that jizzing in his pants at a strip joint is better than masturbation and/or just waiting till the damn business trip is over. Does anyone else out there care or are strip clubs too harmless to worry about in a relationship?

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Ex-Detroit Mayor Gets All Sexy With the Texts

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 14:54:00 GMT

Here's one of our favorites from Detroit Mayor (excuse us, ex-Detroit Mayor and now ex-felon) Kwame Kilpatrick:

6/23/02
Kwame (11:16 p.m.): I wand you to talk to me while I do you. ------- I want you to focus on making me make you come! ERASE.

We wand you to click hard on the Read more... for the rest of these golden sext messages...

1) 2/24/03
Kwame's Wife (4:47 p.m.): Had a bad dream last night...that you had a girlfriend. So of course I woke up pissed!

Kwame to wife (4:52): LOL. I have one Girlfriend...My Best Ever and lastly My Soulmate! SLEEP WELL!!

Kwame to girlfriend (10:28): THIS IS FOR U! LOL. I have one Girlfriend...My Best Ever and lastly My Soulmate! SLEEP WELL!!

2) 9/08/04

Kwame (11:56): You TOLD ME. Ok, I SOLD WEED IN COLLEGE!

Girlfriend (11:58): WHHHHAAAAATTTT! THAT'S A GOOD ONE!!

Kwame (12:01 p.m.): LOLOLOLOL! YEP! ME AND TIM

3) 8/30/04
Kwame (5:25 p.m.): CAN I GET SOME SUGAR LATER?

Girlfriend (5:36): NO QUESTION!!!

Kwame (5:37): THANK YOU MAM!

4) 7/23/02
Kwame (2:51 p.m.): I REALLY BELIEVED THAT I HAD NO CHANCE TO BE WITH YOU. I've WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU SINCE I WAS 17yrs OLD. I BELIEVED IT WAS MY ONLY OPPORTNITY[sic]. AT THAT TIME I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A TEENAGE FANTASY COME TRUE! NOW I KNOW DIFFERENT.

5) 6/10/02
Girlfriend (8:28 p.m.): Hey, would you be mad if I found another man/husband between now and sometime in the next two years? Lou Beatty and I might not make it and I need to find a new husband!

Kwame (8:50): I WOULD BE MAD AS HELL! STAY WITH LOU. I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER DUDE.

Wait, his girlfriend was married as well? We didn't know that and, in a way, it does make this whole affair slightly more sordid. Thanks to Talking Points Memo for finding these five gems in the official transcripts, which contain over 6,000 messages between Kilpatrick and his then-chief-of-staff, Christine Beatty. Both were eventually arrested for obstruction of justice and perjury charges stemming from a simple $25,000 lawsuit, ending an administration marred by police officers murdering whistleblowers, Kilpatrick's wife assaulting strippers, and bribery allegations.

So, if you are starting to feel bad for the former Mayor because we're mocking him and exposing his hypocrisy, just think about that...

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While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:56:00 GMT

Spinal Tap confirmed they will play an acoustic tour that will hit Vancouver, Seattle, New York, and several other North American cities.

Eddie Murphy will finally get what he always wanted? No, not an Oscar-- it's the chance to play Richard Pryor.

Last year, we brought you the story of a man who had sex with a park bench... had his dick caught in that park bench, then went through four hours of hell as... okay, we'll stop there. Just read this Cracked list about having sex with inanimate objects.

Bartering is the new e-bay.

A guy who had sex with another man, whom he later discovered is a married father and decided to blackmail, has been sentenced to a mere four months in prison.

We were pretty sure this is a joke-- an airline considering charging passengers one euro for using the toilet-- but Strollerderby swears it ain't.

Blake Fielder-Civil's mom blames Amy Winehouse for her son's failing marriage. What about his introducing her to drugs, lady?

And Sharon Osbourne is being sued over that fight on Charm School, the only three minutes of that show anyone's ever sat through.

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Women vs. Sexy Sex Ads

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 22:30:00 GMT

Over the years, the Department of the Obvious has informed us that women are found to be turned off by advertisements with strong sexual content, such as American Apparel billboards or TV spots for those randy Teletubbies.

However, new research has shown there is one thing women of all ages respond to in sexy ads... and no, it's not peen...

The study, published this month in Journal of Consumer Research, finds that women respond more favorably to sexual ads when the item in the ad is described as a gift from a man to a woman. In addition, women have high positive responses to sexual ads that depict a committed and loving man — but not for those depicting a committed and loving woman. [Emphasis added.]

We're not sure we even wanted to know this. After all, isn't this kind of study-- and web reporting on it-- actually reinforcing stereotypes and encouraging advertisers to make the same type of simplistic ads over and over? Selfish women want a ring but not to have to be tied down, while, as the study goes on to say, selfish men don't want to buy women anything-- they just want to get laid. In fact, they responded negatively to ads suggesting sex should be received only after purchasing or somehow bartering something with a woman.

When viewing the sexual ads, women responded more favorably to the ad with the gift. However, men preferred the sexual ad without the gift. "Despite their steadfast support for sex-based advertising, we did find that men reacted negatively to sexually explicit ads when the ads strongly reminded men that they may, at times, devote monetary resources in pursuit of sexual contact," the authors wrote. [Live Science]

Yes, it seems we're in a vicious cycle, and advertising is only going to get more desperate... and obvious. For further proof, see the related section...

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Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 20:43:00 GMT

A woman in Silsbee, Texas is going through one helluva messy divorce. She's already engaged to another guy and, after getting drunk one night, had breakup sex with her hubby. Not long after, the woman's husband was arrested for filming that one-off sexual encounter on a hidden video camera.

And it only gets worse... and weirder...

Danielle Taylor, who prefers that her name be printed instead of "unnamed woman," would never claim to be 100% perfect. She only met her husband last January and they were already filing for divorce nine months later. On top of that, she was already engaged to another guy before 2008 was up. Then, one night, she decided to get drunk and have sex with her still-husband. But the fact that he filmed her and ultimately blackmailed her is in no way her fault.

It turns out that Taylor's stepfather had set up a video camera in the trailer where the sex took place, and the husband, Brian Bush threatened to mail the fiancee a tape of his future bride if she didn't dump the guy. Did you catch that? Her own stepfather.

Luckily, Taylor intercepted a UPS delivery of the package, but we're guessing that won't matter much to the guy who ultimately finds out about his girlfriend's extra-curricular sex life in the hometown newspaper. Anyway, the husband and the stepfather were both arrested on improper photography charges. They each face up to 24 months in prison...

...however... Taylor pointed out that her (ex-)husband did call her to apologize for sending the tape and warned her to catch the mail before her fiancee saw it. Also, Taylor told a reporter that her "father" is too old for prison life. You can read more about the case at this link.

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I Feel Bad About Your Chin, Meg Ryan

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:52:00 GMT

A new study indicates women who have stronger chins are more likely to cheat.

Dennis Quaid saw this photo of Meg Ryan and proclaimed, "I should have known..."

According to psychologists at Western Ontario University, women with "larger" chins, like former A-list star Meg Ryan can mean more testosterone:

Larger chins on women are often caused by a high level of the male growth hormone testosterone, present in all women in various amounts.

The hormone also increases sexual assertiveness in a woman, a tendency more commonly attributed to males.

The researchers, from four universities across the US and Canada, took a group of young women and questioned them on their sexual histories and fantasies.

These women were then rated by a group of men on their desirability as a life partner.
It was concluded that men will shun women with such masculine features when looking for a long-term partner because they fear being cuckolded.

Psychologists believe it is linked to their evolutionary desire to have a partner who will produce children for only one man.

We're not sure why being more sexually assertive means you're more likely to cheat on your husband with dopey ol' Russell Crowe, but whatever.

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Apparently, Times Square's Seedy Side Moved To Eugene, Oregon...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:48:00 GMT

A recent post in the Rants 'n Raves section of Craig's List Eugene alerted us to the fact that there are places called "sex arcades" where, instead of watching a peep show, people have sex on their lunch breaks.

Wha?

Here's how it breaks down: according to a Time Magazine story from April of 2005 (ouch-- we have been missing out), Houston's "so-called adult bookstores... offer private booths in which patrons can watch 25¢ peep-show movies and engage in anonymous sex with other patrons through holes cut in the walls." Sure, we were aware of the existence of glory holes and were well aware peep shows could be used for all varieties of sex, and that sex shops sold books (books! what the hell do we need those for in this day and age of free internet hardcore movies?) What we weren't aware of is that they are all happening under one roof these days, and that they are happening in small cities like Eugene, Oregon, for starters.

The unsigned Craig's List post by a "bookstore" employee offers us advice for our first an all future visits. As usual, we offer an abbreviated version of the epic-as-hell piece:

1) It is a complete wast[e] of time to become upset when I refuse to shake your hand after you exit the arcade.

2) I'm sorry if you have only limited time to have gay sex with a stranger during your lunch break. If the only customers I have in the arcade are so old you are wondering how they remain upright, much less get it up, I simply can't waive a magic wand and fill the arcade with an all gay swim team. ...I am not a resident fall back option and I'm sorry, but offering me cash for sex will not change my mind on this one (ever).

3) If you enter a booth with a window, please don't be surprised if you look up and find someone watching you.... If you enter a booth with a gloryhole, please don't be surprised if at some point a penis comes through it. Also don't be surprised if a voice comes through it asking for you to stick your penis through the hole, it's what it's there for.

4) You enter a booth, insert a 1, 5, 10, or 20 dollar bill into the bill acceptor, and have a seat. The movie will play until the time limit for the amount of money you put into the machine runs out. If at that time you have not managed to relieve yourself you have still received what you paid for. Sitting in a booth with no money in the machine while you desperately try to grunt out a quick one is just not acceptable.

4[B]) If you happen to be a horny gay man (nothing wrong with that) and inappropriately proposition another man in the parking lot and he punches you in the mouth, YOU HAD IT COMING.

5) I could care less if you have a wedding ring on as you suck off 12 dudes... I don't care if you enjoy dressing in your little sisters cloth[e]s and putting on a show for strangers in a window booth.... I do not need a play by play description of what you were just doing. Keep it to yourself or write it in your journal or whatever.... I will not be impressed, seriously.

6) If you pee in the trashcans and I catch you you will be cleaning that booth and I will be berating you the entire time it takes you.

7) [I]f you come walking out of the arcade with cum in your beard, on your shirt, pants, whatever, I reserve the right to point and laugh. We thoughtfully provide paper towels just for that situation.

8) We have janitors clean the arcade 3 times a day, every day. I can do little for you if the booth you so desperately need to whack off in has a load of cum dripping down the monitor.

He lists his location as "whack shack." You can read the full-length rants here.

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Wife Catch You Online Dating? Try Ashley Madison

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Want to have sex with other people, but too much of a complete assface not to file for divorce or discuss it with your spouse? No more do you have to create Nerve personals profiles and defile have the metropolitan area before someone finds you out.

Finally, for everybody who's ever wanted to spice up their sex life by bringing home STD's, there's Ashley Madison...

Ashley Madison is the brainchild of those doucheturds who created Hot or Not (does that even exist? why?) and, long after its launch, it has finally caught on thanks to its tagline, "Life Is Short, Have An Affair" (we're not making that up), and its widely-circulated open letter to adulterer Eliot Spitzer. Now, founder Noah Biderman opens up to Bitter Lawyer about why Ashley Madison even exists, whether he cheats on his wife, and why his Mom is proud of his career choice:

[T]he majority of people on AshleyMadison are not necessarily seeking a new relationship. Rather, they are seeking the physical intimacy that is lacking from their current relationship.
[We] attract a more sophisticated, educated, high-income member base. Lawyers and bankers seem to be our largest professional groups.

The women on the service really fall into three different groups: 1) The soccer mom/desperate housewife who feels totally under-appreciated in her current relationship; 2) the quintessential mistress who is not interested in settling down and getting married; 3) young, attached/married women who either feel that the man they are currently with is not the man they can stay with for the rest of their lives, or that they have made a mistake in getting married, but before they get any deeper, they are seeking what else might be out there waiting for them.
I may not convince those who believe infidelity is “wrong” to start believing that it is “right,” but I am positive that I have helped people accept that it is part of the human condition, and that if we start asking the question “why” people cheat, we might find some interesting answers.
I am married with two beautiful children. I think it is important for people to understand that this is not some kind of crusade or personal outlet for me... I woke up one morning and found myself in the arms of a very demanding “mistress” called AshleyMadison.
What I like to jokingly tell people critical of my current role is that my mother is finally proud of her son’s career… After all, I used to be a lawyer.

You can search profiles on Ashley Madison... although we don't recommend it.

Via Bitter Lawyer.

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:03:00 GMT

Every Hollywood action movie has to have a distracting sex scene about 70 minutes into the movie, just before the big, climactic showdown sequence begins-- just ask Sylvester Stallone. We defy you to name one action flick he's done without him rolling around in the sack with a Sharon Stone type, while Enya's instrumental score plays on the soundtrack in time with the snoring of almost everyone.

But, as no dude would feel the film is complete without it, screenwriters and directors keep plugging them in, sometimes ending up with something halfway decent...

Here are our Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies... God forbid you ask us to remember the context these fall in:

5. Cyborg 2. Is that... Good Lord, it is, isn't it? Yep, check out Angelina Jolie's slow-mo boobs in this quintessential pointless action movie sex scene, which was Jack Palance's ridiculously boneheaded followup to winning an Oscar for City Slickers. You can watch a higher quality clip of the same scene here (it's a smaller, non-embeddable frame.)

4. Killing Zoe. Watching this a second time, we realize how hilariously (and obviously) Freudian this is. The clip from the original Nosferatu, where the man springs from the floor, fully erect? Not phallic at all. Neither is the Venus fly trap clamping shut. The more we started thinking about this-- that Julie Delpy is the hooker with the heart of gold who gets Stockholm Syndrome and falls in love with a bank robber... ay ay ay... now we know why this fell into obscurity, despite Tarantino's involvement. Goodness starts at the 10:00 mark in the full film (seen below) or just click this link to go directly to the sex.

3. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. This obnoxiously bad ripoff of "Prizzi's Honor" at least satisfied one requirement of the Hollywood action genre: a gratuitous, PG-13 rated sex scene. You actually see the moment where Brad Pitt decided to cheat on Jennifer Aniston in this clip.

2. The Terminator. It takes a hell of a director to making these two co-stars look sexy-- which is why James Cameron now has more money than a Fannie Mae exec. No wonder he ended up with Linda Hamilton for many years...

1. 300. Try watching any random section of dialogue in this film. Seriously-- you won't be able to last ten seconds without breaking out in fits of hysterical laughter. But this sex scene will shut you up right quick.

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Teacher Takes In A 13-Year-Old Boy-- You Know What Happens Next...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 16:58:00 GMT

Debra LaFavre and the rest of the kooky teacher pervs have nothing on 29-year-old Boston-area teacher Christine McCallum for one simple reason.

They never got to live with their victim and sleep with him more than three hundred times. According to news reports from all over the world, McCallum became a sort-of foster parent to a thirteen-year-old boy after his father was unable to take care of a kid by himself. McCallum and her husband (yep-- seems every perv these days has a spouse of only a few short years) took in the future victim and his brother in late 2005; by early the following year, police allege, McCallum was plying her charge with vodka and seductive attire, leading to makeout sessions and, on February 7th, the taking of his virginity.

This went on for two years-- including sex in the next room while Scott, who was only McCallum's husband for two years when the affair is believed to have begun-- until McCallum and the boy broke up over text messages the boy was receiving from girls his own age. Yes, this is one of those idiots who is said to have given her victim his own cellphone and even wrote incriminating details about their love lives on his MySpace page:

"It's hard to be in love with you and set boundaries for you," she wrote. "It's hard to kiss you and tell you no. It's hard to want someone to take care of me when I have to be the one taking care of everyone else."

You would think someone would've seen that and called the cops-- but it wasn't until a teenage friend of the victim told his own parents what was going on that the police got involved. And the obliviousness doesn't stop there-- McCallum's husband attended court with the accused, never batting an eye, even as prosecutors read damning evidence (most of it in McCallum's own hand) into the record...

Via various sources.

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

William Zantzinger, subject of the Bob Dylan protest song "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll," died in Maryland of undisclosed causes.

Ian McKellen isn't too upset PBS doesn't have the balls to include the nude scene in their broadcast of his play.

Marilyn Manson is being sued by his ex-bandmate for twenty million dollars. Why do we care? Wait till you hear what Manson apparently spent the band's royalties on...

Bier, otherwise known as Madonna Wayne Gacy, sued Manson for more than $20 million last year, claiming Manson siphoned off millions of dollars in band revenue.

The funds allegedly paid for drugs, assorted Nazi paraphernalia, the cost of Von Teese's engagement ring and the ex-couple's 2005 wedding, and the interior decorating of Manson's mansion, which features a stuffed grizzly bear, a pair of baboons and the skeleton of a 4-year-old Chinese girl. [E!]

Patricia Arquette shilled for PETA.

Sources say pop singer Fergie is getting married this weekend. At last, a wedding the gossip rags aren't going apeshit over.

Kate Winslet said her teenage co-star was "terrified" during their sex scenes together in The Reader. Who can blame him? We'd have made a mess of the whole thing-- repeatedly.

Even though photos prove he was seeing Angelina Jolie on the side while still married, Brad Pitt claims he did not cheat.

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will not resign before he's impeached, even though a committee voted 21-0 to remove him. It's now in the hands of the State House of Representatives.

And Maine is getting the topless coffee shop! Hooray?

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:19:00 GMT

This may be one of the most impressive sex tapes around. For not only does it feature a very lucky man getting it on with a very attractive lady, it goes on to involve three more women in the course of one recording.

Japan's ultimate fighter Hayato “Mach” Sakurai, who fought a widely-publicized event on New Year's Eve, is seen here in a sex tape that has been making the rounds on his country's most risque blogs. Sakurai isn't talking about it-- not just because it was a distraction from his training, but because his wife may not be too happy to have seen him banging four different women.

Meanwhile, China is still dealing with its first major sex tape story-- the latest chapter involves internet sensation (and, thanks to her online nudity, current prison inmate) Kappa Girl being offered a movie deal by Harmony Films in the UK. It may help her transition to fame, since most of her blog entries are in Mandarian or another language English-only pervs obviously can't appreciate. (More about her case here, via Fleshbot.)

Of course, if anything interesting should surface in a language we can roughly fathom, we'll post it here.

Hey, Cheap Rent! Oh, Wait... The Fine Print Is Pretty Insane...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:45:00 GMT

How many of you would move to Manhattan if you landed an apartment for less than $3,000 a month? Now, how many of you would take the place if it was in the happening East Village for $325, rent stabilized?

Put your hands down, because as you may have suspected, this one's a ripoff even at those prices...

This is a post we came across on Craig's List (to our friends out there who are reading this-- no, we're not moving-- but Good God, if this had been for real, we would be breaking leases left and right to make it happen). (Emphasis added.)

$325 EAST VILLAGE- Controlled and large 3 bed (East Village) (map)

-Wow…I can’t believe I am doing this..But I am looking for someone to rent my rent controlled apartment. The monthly rent is extremely cheap and would be a dream for many people in this city. It is in the east village close to A and 3rd. I caught my wife in bed with our neighbor who is almost 20 years younger than her. She is refusing to move out and still seeing him when I am at work, on my bed…I need someone to move in and help me get her out. Man or woman. My plan is to act like we are a couple until she can’t take it anymore. I have done everything possible to try and get her out..But she is a scumbag….So we need to create some type of plan that would get her out..i would charge you very cheap and all you would have to do is act like we are dating. We might have to kiss if front her and make fake sounds when we are in the bedroom. Please respond with a detailed description of your plan to get her out and a little about your self. You could live there after she is out and unless we fall in love we don’t have to do anything else.

Right... you don't have to do anything else. Wow-- we knew that some people too breakups a little hard and rebounds with unwarranted seriousness, but Holy Christ-- this is worse than those ads that start "I'm a downtown businessman with no time for a girlfriend; so, if you want to be my roommate, I only have one requirement: wear this French maid outfit at all times..."

Via Craig's List.

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Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 19:15:00 GMT

47% of all public school teachers working in the United States have had sex with a student or another teacher since 1997, according to an informal study we just made up.

And like a halfway scary Dario Argento movie from 1976, it's spreading like a sexual plague to other countries...

The Sutton Guardian reported on two teachers at Carshalton College, a school near London (at least on the world map) who skipped out on a school assembly to have sex in a classroom. Not a big deal, right? The fact that they were caught by a student and reported-- still not a big deal. The fact that they were both committing adultery-- getting warmer...

The real story here isn't that the school sex(ual revolution) phenomenon is invading England, it's that after the teachers were busted the first time, they simply hightailed it across the hall and restarted their shenanigans in another classroom, where they were busted again, this time by a third teacher, who obviously felt he/she was missing out.

A great ending to this story would've been that all three teachers were busted for a classroom menage a trois, although we're confident one of those will turn up soon enough... Great Britain...

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How to Catch Someone Cheating On You: Radio Edition

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 14:44:00 GMT

He loves me... he loves me not?

If you find yourself asking that question over and over about your boyfriend (or, what the hell, husband), these morning radio show DJ's have discovered a surefire way to answer it with 100% accuracy...

Listen to this actual call-in clip, which doesn't appear to have been staged-- although it would've been unforgettable...

...when we were in high school, we used to pull a prank that had a similar style (although, again, the above gem is genuine.) We'd stand around the local Borders and wait as two friends of ours, a guy and a girl, would bump into a fourth friend of either gender and the fourth person would freak out-- "what are you doing here, you're cheating on me with him/her?!" Trust us, when we were fifteen, this was considered high comedy, especially when the terrified clerks would have them all ejected for fighting.

Not sure why we're mentioning this bit of immature stupidity, but maybe you haven't been able to shake off the horrible feeling that this clip has wrought. If that's the case, just think: it might be some goofball prankster couple, trying to pull off a stunt on a bunch of talk show idiots...

[You can listen to the clip here if, for any reason, it's not working above.]

This Thanksgiving, Just Shut Up and Be Thankful for Your Faithful Mate (Who You Probably Don't Really Have)

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

Cheating Wife Claims To Still Love Her Husband... After 18 Month Affair

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:49:00 GMT

"Dave Barmy" is seen here with his actual/virtual mistress.

A nerdtastic couple in the UK is going through a divorce, thanks to the wife walking in on the husband with a "homewrecker" of a Second Life character.

We thought the story would end there, with the delusional nerd thinking it was worth losing a marriage for an online cuddle, but then the wife had to go and get involved with someone herself...

It turns out that "Dave Barmy," a.k.a. real life humanoid Dave Pollard, "cheated" in the online game by hiring a virtual prostitute (dude... we are speechless-- you're married in real life and you risk the end of your relationship by cheating... with a video game hooker?) And even though Pollard had no physical contact with another woman, spouse Amy Taylor called the online affair "the ultimate betrayal." Then Taylor decided not only to hire a virtual private investigator (!) for help with her divorce case, but to get a little action of her own:

Taylor was quoted by newspapers including The Guardian and The Times of London on Friday as saying she has found a new man in an alternative cyber universe, World of Warcraft.

Pollard says he is already virtually engaged and can't wait to marry his new fiance "in rl" -- short for "real life."

Good luck, kids.

Via Times and CBS.

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Cheating Wife Claims To Still Love Her Husband... After 18 Month Affair

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 18:22:00 GMT

Face it, if you cheat on somebody for a year and a half, you probably don't "love" your partner, at least not in the traditional sense. Far too often, people use the L-word (not that L Word) to describe their feelings, when they really mean "I'm really attached and dependent on you."

We've never seen a more perfect example to back up this argument than a woman who we came across in the Daily Mail today when reading that story about the eight-year-old's makeover party...

The rundown is basically this: a woman with a husband and daughter started an affair with a married man, an affair that has been going on for 18 months. She is absolutely crazy about the guy and doesn't want to break it off-- but, surprise, she can't bear the thought of hurting her husband, whom she loves. Whatever we think of the situation and this woman, we absolutely do not believe she is still in love with her husband, although she claims to be. Her behavior in no way reflects an understanding of the word as we understand it. Here are some of the comments in the Daily Mail:

-Has it occurred to you that your husband might eventually be better off and happier with someone else?

Don't we all have the right to search for a faithful partner? Yet unbelieveably you claim to be denying him that right in order to "protect" him! Such charity! But what will actually hurt him more? The truth, followed by recovery and the freedom to find someone faithful, or a lifetime shackled to a partner who's betrayed him, without ever again having the option of finding one who won't?

Where's his choice in this? Do you really feel you should decide on his behalf whether he stays with an unfaithful partner? Have some courage. At least you won't lose your child, unlike him!
-I am sorry, but am I meant to feel sympathy for your plight which you have so inevitably brought on yourself. If you truly loved your husband you would have not started the affair. I hope your husband, family and friends find out what you are really like which is a very dishonest person.

The only person you are thinking about is yourself which is utterly selfish. Either admit to the affair and undergo marriage counselling or get a divorce as your husband and the lovers wife deserve honesty and love. Which you and your lover seem to be destroying.

All I can say is I hope karma pays you a visit and you get what you deserve as you certainly have no morality.

If you're strong enough to fend off your feelings for someone else, then you are probably in love. If you're not strong enough to break off an affair that's spiraling out of control, you aren't really in love enough with your husband anymore. Or maybe you're just a weakling. Either way, we have to agree, you don't deserve the guy. Whether you readers think marriage is an institution you think works for us horny humans is beside the point-- the reality here is that this person put her faith in somebody and then has betrayed them over and over again without cause. It's time to do the right thing and leave him, since he deserves someone who loves him.

Sorry for the rant, but this one had to be done.

Via the Daily Mail.

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Sloppy Seconds: The Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Controversy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:31:00 GMT

We're wrapping up early today so we can stay glued to the TV. Check out our election thread here.

The Examiner examined the worst celebrity magazine covers of all time. Guess how many are David Duchovny photos?

Another naked prank went wrong.

How the hell did this end up in a kid's Halloween candy bag?

When their children returned from Halloween trick-or-treating, a couple found suspected methamphetamine and $85 in cash among their 7-year-old son's Snickers bars and Skittles. Lars and Shelly Brosdahl called police, who confirmed that the substance was methamphetamine, worth up to $200 on the street. [AP/Yahoo]

An enraged husband and his two brothers got a drunk and cut off his dick as revenge for a supposed sex act committed with the enraged man's wife.

A man who raped a horse got off easy. (No pun intended, please!)

Brooke Smith's role as Dr. Erica Hahn on Grey's Anatomy is over. Do you think it's discrimination? The argument didn't convince us either way.

And the Kate Winslet-Vanity Fair photos Scanner Emily posted yesterday are causing the predictable controvsery. Airbrushed? Photoshopped? Who cares?

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Germany's Richest Woman Blackmailed With Own Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 17:34:00 GMT

You're the country's richest woman. You fear home invasion, kidnapping, extortion, and those pesky poor people with their hands out.

What you probably don't do is worry about getting blackmailed over your own sex tape. Unless, of course, you're this woman...

German police have been working on a case involving Susanne Klatten, Germany's 46-year-old female billionaire, and have arrested two men: Klatten's alleged lover and a friend of his, a hotel owner who filmed sexual trysts in his establishment. The duo hoped to received 40 million euros, but had to settle for 7.5 million from Klatten. Klatten, who helped foil her own kidnapping at the age of 16, was already talking to the cops.

Klatten, who holds a large stake in automaker BMW and Altana speciality chemical company, allegedly paid 7.5 million euros to a Swiss Helg Sgarbi to stop him from publishing compromising photos and videos of the couple's relationship, the German tabloid Bild am Sonntag reported.

The 41-year-old suspect was taken into custody by German authorities some weeks ago, Schmidt-Sommerfeld said.

The heiress to the Quandt family fortune and mother of three children "filed a complaint for fraud and blackmail in January 2008 with a Munich court," he added. Klatten has a personal fortune of 7.8 billion euros, according to German's Manager Magazine.

7.8 billion euros? That's like 40 trillion American or six Michael Bloombergs, right?

Seriously, we think we know why Klatten was embarrassed about this sex tape going public: she's "happily" married. Our guess is that she paid the hush money more so her husband wouldn't find out about the affair than any other public humiliation it could cause. The fact that she went to the police may only mean that she still hoped the media wouldn't find out about the whole incident.

Nice try.

Via Euro News.

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Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:36:00 GMT

A priest in Queens is being sued by a woman he picked up while she was confessing... in his confession booth.

If you think that's choice, wait'll you hear what he did that made her decide to sue his dumb ass...

According to CBS TV in New York, Reverend Elvis (seriously) Elan was preachin' and consolin' at the Our Lady of the Snows Church in Glen Oaks, which is in the borough of Queens, when a woman going through a painful divorce took confession with him.

Laufer says his client, Judith Rodriguez-Lytwyn was vulnerable when she walked into the confessional where Elano allegedly told her, "Your presence struck me like a thunderbolt."

He was so thunderstruck, it seemed, they began having sex and even seeing each other for dinner before the sex. The outrage! Seriously, that's how his flock sees it:

"I can't believe it. You know it knocks me for a loop," said Dan Torpey, one of the church's parishioners. Added parishioner Viola Czajkowski: "I don't see how a priest who took vows could possibly do something like this and have mass every day while this was going on."

Right, but how surprised would you be if Judith turned out to be Jeremy, a seven-year-old choir boy? And, what, this guy should control his sexual urges, as promised? We thought as much. Meanwhile, Rev. Elvis and Judy dated for several months... until...

...her lover sent an e-mail indicating the presence of a sexually transmitted disease he may have gotten from another woman.

Whoops. Reverend Elvis, The Ladykillin' Priest. The rights have probably been snatched up already, with Ron Howard to direct. It'll do 40 mil opening weekend...

Read the rest here. (P.S. Is anyone surprised that the Catholic Church transfered but did not discipline this creep?)

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And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 13:52:00 GMT

As part of our continuing obsession with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi('s sex life), we present highlights from the extended New Yorker profile of the high-profile cheater.

There won't be any juicier gossip in your news all day, even if Paris Hilton gets donkey punched by Brad Pitt...

Berlusconi, in his undeniably fascist approach to government, is only remotely concerned with his philandering, bribery, corruption, and other crimes. It makes for uncomfortable and even disturbing reading, although mighty juicy!

Here are a few highlights:

having survived some seventeen criminal trials without ultimately being convicted.
an enormous casting couch that Berlusconi used to grant favors to aspiring actresses and to try to bring down the government
does little to hide the fact that he has had a face-lift and hair transplants
a dodering septuagenarian addicted to penis pumps and mysterious injections; supports like to paint him as a tireless Don Juan, capable of satisfying two or three women at once
[a comedian said about Mara Carfagna, a close associate and rumored lover of Berlusconi's] "You can't make someone Minister of Equl Opportunity just because she's sucked your cock!"
does little to hide the fact that he has had a face-lift and hair transplants
[Carfagna] has undergone a major makeover since her days on television, when she favored short skirts.... "They've seen my ass even in Germany" [is a popular online video about featuring Carfagna in her showgirl days]
[Berlusconi to Carfagna] "If I weren't already married, I'd marry you!" [he said at a public event, which led to a tabloid-crazed spat with Mrs. Berlusconi, Veronica Lario]
[A note passed to Berlusconi during a session of Parliament, which Berlusconi controls with the same amount of unchecked power as Vladimir Putin or, worse yet, Joseph Stalin]: "Dear [President], we accept romantic appointments only from you."

We'd reveal more, but we want you to enjoy the New Yorker article for yourself. See the Nov. 3 issue for the rest.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Jennifer Hudson Horror Story Continues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Just before we wrapped up for the day on Friday, we heard about a man accusing the NYPD of sexually assaulting him by sticking a walkie-talkie up his ass. We're not sure we buy the guy's story, but he did end up in the hospital after being arrested, so that may mean something's up.

Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney is so scared for his political future, he backed out of a debate with his Republican opponent with barely any notice. Meanwhile, we applaud his wife for sticking up for herself by filing for divorce from this pig.

In a bizarre turn of events, Amy Poehler didn't show up for her Saturday Night Live scenes this weekened, although she gave a fairly reasonably explanation:

[H]er former co-stars were celebrating when the show was aired on Saturday night, telling a cheering crowd: "Amy Poehler is not here tonight because she is having a baby."
Poehler won't return to SNL after her maternity leave - she is planning a spin-off series to the hit U.S. version of The Office.

Aw, man... it's a case of "poof and she's gone." The show won't be the same without you, Amy.

Meet us in St. Louis: "Sex, Politics, and You," an art exhibit, has set up shop in Missouri.

A sixteen-year-old boy asked the Times if they thought it was "unhealthy" that he wants to try on his Mom's lyrca leggings.

What not to do if you are afraid to get married: set a hotel on fire so you can ruin the ceremony. (By the way, his reason for not getting married? He already is married... to somebody else.)

"I thought if I set a fire I wouldn't have to go through with the wedding," the Yomiuri quoted him as telling police.

Guests at the hotel were evacuated and no one was injured when he set the fire in the early hours of Sunday morning at the resort hotel... west of Tokyo.
Tatsuhiko Kawata and his fiancee had been set to get married before 80 guests. He was arrested after suddenly cancelling the event and behaving suspiciously, the Yomiuri said.

And Jennifer Hudson's sister has pleaded for the safety of her son after Jennifer's mother and brother were murdered in their Illinois home. Jennifer, meanwhile, has offered $100,000 as a reward for the boy's safe return.

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British Airways Invites You To Join The Mile High Club

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 14:45:00 GMT

If this very angry wife is to be believed in her anonymous column in the Times, British Airways invited her husband and a total stranger to have sex in the first class section instead of, well, in the toilets.

It gets better...

In Part 1 of what we assume to be a three or four-part diary, a woman relates the story of how her husband started his affair by having sex with, as the wife puts it, "a 27-year-old blond." They met in coach, but were bumped when their loud conversation began to disturb the other passengers. (Oh, great, now everyone who reads this article is going to start shouting on an airplane just to get bumped to First Class.) It was there that they proceeded to have sex-- what, there was no one in First Class trying to sleep? Geez...

(If BA is the “World's Favourite Airline” then that flight must be the World's Most Misguidedly Accommodating.)

Anyway, oddly enough, the wife spends the rest of her diary attacking the woman in the slyest and most pathetic ways possible. The below lines are from her story of what happened after her husband gave the woman only his first name and the company he worked for:

So began an infatuated and obsessive affair that lasted several months and bloody nearly broke us before she was cast into the ether.
I also blame her because she turned out to be Miss Bunny Boiler, who was on a mission to get him, marry him and have his babies, whatever the cost. But I also blame Google. In the days before Google, sexwith a stranger on a plane could have gone no farther. A mere first name and an occupation would not have been enough even for the most determined Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction...

Wow... she just compared a harmless woman who fell for her husband to a fictional psychopath who boiled a little girl's rabbit alive and attempted to murder human beings. That seems fair.

It would have been a better thing if she had resisted the erotic charge of Googling my husband and left herself free to go off doing what she did best, namely whoring with other fantasists just panting to become members of the Mile High Club with a slut.

Why is the Times publishing this vindictive garbage? Clearly, this is one diary that should have been left locked up. However, if you'd like to read more of her diary, which includes virtually no attacks on the husband, click here.

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