Scanner : cats

Purrrvert Kitty Kneads Breasts [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 20:36:00 GMT

We think this is safe for work.

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[Via Buzfeed]

Russian LOLcats

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:38:00 GMT

Kapitan, there was an accident in the research facility! It’s imperative we reach the acid baths…

Russian LOLCats is different from LOLCats in the sense that the text added to the cat pics is gibberish. Or, at least, so we've been told. (You think we'd be blogging full-time if we could speak fluent Russian? Damn, we'd just go work for the Mafia at Coney Island.)

Anyway, it may not be as instantly hilarious as icanhascheezeburger, but if this kind of demented humor is your thing, read on.

Commissar Markov has long been a loyal party member, but I fear his growing influence in state policy. Perhaps it is time to cash in a favor from my friends at the Kremlin.

These consumables are contraband, comrade - your passage to the gulag is paid for in L’eggs Body Beautiful Smoothers Shaping Hosiery!

Do you mistake us for sincere?

We adorn ourselves thus to mock the capitalist sacrament of annual materials exchange…

Those were the ones we appreciated. Here are the rest.

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While You Were Sleeping: Principal Walks In At The Wrong Moment

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Rush Limbaugh is at it again: he's predicting Ted Kennedy is going to die soon.

This cat amuses the bejesus out of our stupid asses.

M.I.A. denied naming her baby Ickitt... but hasn't convinced us of this yet because she won't say what she did name the lil' thang.

Questions remain: will Specter switch to the Democrats? Will Howard Dean join the Cabinet? And is Al Franken ever going to be named Senator?

Moby says what we're all thinking: the weather is too harsh up here in the winter and it's time to migrate elsewhere... at least from October through May.

Wanna be Bruce Lee?

Live in Sweden and want to hire a teenage babysitter? You might reconsider that after reading this.

Rihanna is trying to focus on "new music," which is easy when your boyfriend/husband is busy with the trial for beating you up, spends his nights drinking illegally, and has a soon-to-be-condemned album of his own to work on.

And a school principal in Arizona is gouging his eyes out after walking in a student getting it on with a teacher.

Sloppy Seconds: What Will Rihanna Say to Chris Brown?

While You Were Sleeping: Oscar Upsets?

Because it's Friday and it's Funny

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:19:00 GMT

Video of the Day: MAC-Hello Kitty Commercial

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 17:43:00 GMT

Other than for this very purpose (spreading it around the Interwebs) we're not sure why any company would put together a four minute and eleven second commercial. But if you are going to put together a four minute and eleven second commercial, this MAC Cosmetics + Hello Kitty ad is the way to do it.
At one point, a woman chases her little black pussy cat into a pink tube as the lyrics "come inside" are accompanied by trippy techno music. It just gets better after that. We would have like to watched this during the Super Bowl commercial breaks.

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via BoingBoing

Happy Friday the 13th, Fraidy Cats

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Hey, it's Paraskavedekatriaphobia Day everybody! Did you watch out for black cats (isn't that terribly racist?), avoid crossing under ladders (as if there's even an opportunity for that in today's paranoid construction job), and, honestly, who opens umbrellas in the house anyway? Don't you wait until you step out of the doorway so the umbrella doesn't get caught inside?

Seriously, though, have you ever wondered why the number 13 is such a big deal and why a Friday the 13th means a damn thing besides "bad Halloween ripoff?"

Wikipedia, of course, provides the annotated and also impossible-to-skim answers. We'll summarize it for you below:

1) The fear of a Friday that falls on the 13 is a phobia. That really long word up there is the name of that phobia. We'll just call it The Fear for our purposes here.

2) Honestly, no one really knows why The Fear is The Fear. The first known reference to The Fear was made in an 1869 biography of some guy named Gioachino Rossini.

3) "One theory states that it is a modern amalgamation of two older superstitions: that thirteen is an unlucky number and that Friday is an unlucky day." That settles it for us, but you can read on.

4) Another interesting note: "According to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina, an estimated 17 to 21 million [crazy] people in the United States are affected by a fear of this day. Some people are so paralyzed by fear that they avoid their normal routines in doing business, taking flights or even getting out of bed. "It's been estimated that$800 or $900 million is lost in business on this day." Despite this, representatives for both Delta and Continental Airlines say that their airlines don't suffer from any noticeable drop in travel on those Fridays."

Via Wikipedia.

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Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

The Crazy Baby Lady, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, gave her first interview to NBC's Ann Curry yesterday (we wonder how much she got paid for that!). The interview won't air for a few days, but at least now we know why she felt so compelled to have fourteen babies, as a single mother, by age 33. And we know what she looks like!

On how an only child ended up with 14 children: “That was always a dream of mine, to have a large family, a huge family, and– I just longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up. I was lacking a feeling of self and identity. I didn’t feel as though, when I was a child, I had much control of my environment. I felt powerless. And that gave me a sense of predictability. Reflecting back on my childhood, I know it wasn’t functional. It was pretty— pretty dysfunctional, and whose isn’t? ”

On how long before she first got pregnant: “Well, I went through about seven years of trying. And– through artificial insemination. And through medication. And all of which was unsuccessful. And then the first—IVF procedure from that—from that facility—it was successful. And then I just kept going in.”

Um, yeah. We're no psychiatrists, but we're fairly certain she now very officially qualifies as a crazy baby lady.

[Faded Youth: THE MOTHER OF OCTUPLETS TALKS]

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Crazy Baby Lady Skips Welfare, Goes Straight to TV

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 20:09:00 GMT

We'd be bragging about calling this one last week, but you'd have to be an idiot not to think the mother of octuplets (plus another six) wasn't going to seek media deals to keep those kiddies fed. At first we thought she'd go for her own show on TLC, but apparently she knows she has blown Jon and Kate Plus 8 out of the water and is going straight to the media major leagues.

The Crazy Baby Lady, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, is seeking $2 million from media outlets and commercial endorsements. And though she's still recovering from carrying and giving birth two eight babies, she has plans to talk to Oprah and Diane Sawyer.

The 33-year-old's family admits she needs cash from media deals, which makes us wonder how the hell she paid for the in vitro fertilization in the first place. We hate to sound like our mom—she used to bitch about women having more babies so their welfare checks would increase—but DAY-UM, we hope Oprah pays someone else to take those babies away from her.

[Times of London: Octuplets’ mother wants Oprah to turn her into a $2m TV star]

Crazy Baby Lady Puts Crazy Cat Ladies to Shame

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File Under The Worst Idea Ever: Teen Pregnancy Pacts

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Crazy Baby Lady Puts Crazy Cat Ladies to Shame

Emily Farris — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:57:00 GMT

The media has been all over the story of the unidentified woman who recently gave birth to octuplets, some outlets glorifying her while others criticize. I am on the critical end, especially after learning that her doctors offered early on to reduce the number of embryos following the in vitro fertilization that led to the multiple pregnancy. But after a family acquaintance revealed what the woman's home life is like, I'm starting to believe she's just a crazy baby lady.

The 33-year-old single mother lives with her parents and already has six children, including twins. But it gets worse.

Apparently, the woman's family filed for bankruptcy a year-and-a-half ago, and abandoned their home.

I know a woman has a right to have as many children as she desires, but how many is too many? I love cats, and would love to have 14 to curl up with on a cold day, but I know enough to realize I cannot take care of 14 cats. How will a 33-year-old single mother take care of 14 children, all under the age of seven? Even with the help of her bankrupt parents, it seems near impossible. Especially since the octuplets were born so early they're probably going to have special needs.

Unfortunately, once she reveals her identity she'll probably be further glorified and given her own show on TLC.

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Extreme Cat Lady Breastfeeding a Cat

Colleen Kane — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:37:00 GMT

Oh, the things we do for you, like watching this gross video we cannot unsee: a Japanese woman breastfeeding a cat. (It's an oldie but a goodie, removed from the cleansed YouTube, but resurfaced on Spike.com.)

Breastfeeding The Cat

Questions for discussion:

Why?

How?

But...Why?

What was the announcer yelling so enthusiastically?

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Sloppy Seconds: Kelis to Serve Up a Different Kind of Milkshake

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:22:00 GMT

Yesterday, two birds took down a Kansas City man's ice cream. Today, an entire plane full of people, right into the Hudson River. [BBC]

A 19-year-old Wisconsin woman is facing charges after she got drunk and ran pantsless through an IHOP. Good thing there were never cops around all the times we ran half naked through fast food chains. [The Smoking Gun]

A man in Atlantic City is facing charges after he posed as a female veterinarian and doing all the things veterinarians do, except, we hope, fixing cats and dogs and other furries. [Press of Atlantic City]

And dumbass Johnny Knoxville is facing charges for allegedly taking a grenade into LAX. WTF, Johnny? [Yahoo!]

How excited are we for the "Gossip Girl" spin-off that will tell the story of Lily and Rufus? Very. Very excited. Srsly. XOXO. [Us]

Rappers Kelis and Nas are reportedly expexcting their first child. [MTV]

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Sloppy Seconds: As a Supermodel Goes Off the Market a Crackhead Goes On

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 00:02:00 GMT

India, the Bush family's cat, is dead at 18. [Yahoo!]

Alan S. Geisler, creator of red onion sauce for hotdogs, is dead at 78. [City Room]

Oh, snap. We forgot George W. Bush was still the president. [DailyIntel]

It looks like Blake Fielder-Civil really is planning to divorce that crackhead Amy Winehouse. [People]

After numerous rumors that the couple engaged earlier, supermodel Gisele Bundchen and Patriots quarterback Tom Brady are finally, really engaged. The world is preparing for more beautiful babies. [People]

[Image]

Joe Biden Had My Vote, Has My Heart

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:33:00 GMT

Click through for the sweetest thing you'll see all day. We promise.

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[Image, Image]

Caption This: The International Cat Show, Otherwise Known as The Crazy Cat Lady Convention

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 14:43:00 GMT

(We'll see you there next year!)

Stuff We Absolutely Need to Validate Ourselves: Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure

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[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Jerry Lewis Continues to Hate on the Gays

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Would you like to watch Britney Spears work out? Here you go. [Faded Youth]

We went from being not so into Matt Damon to wishing we were fucking Matt Damon. He's doing GOTV in Florida this week! [People]

More sad news for Jennifer Hudson and her family. [CNN]

Considering we've never seen him live, we should probably see Michael Jackson in concert before his face implodes. [FameCrawler]

Speaking of Mr. Jackson, 3,960 people dressed as zombies got together to do the "Thriller" dance in Austin. [Thrill the World Austin]

Prepare for cute overload: a dog risked his life to guard a box of kittens in a burning home. [Neatorama]

82-year-old Jerry Lewis continued to hate on the gays, calling cricket "a fucking fag game" on Australian TV. [Radar]

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Video of the Day: Lolcats Come to Life!

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:30:00 GMT

Watching this subtitled lolcat video, we imagine we feel like what our parents must have felt like when they saw their favorite comics become cartoons in black and white for the first time...

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**Upside Down Dogs Freak Us the F*ck Out**

Damn Ye, Internets!

Emily Farris — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 16:51:00 GMT

Today, as I was writing an article I actually typed the word "lurn."

Someone has been looking at a few too many lolcats lately.

Upside Down Dogs Freak Us the F*ck Out

Emily Farris — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 14:22:00 GMT

We may be a little too well known as crazy cat ladies, and while the title is well deserved, we like to consider ourselves dog people as well. Which is why we generally love pictures of dogs. We have a friend who sends us pictures of puppies on a near daily basis, and our heart breaks each time. But these pictures of dogs upside down really freak us out. Maybe it's all the weird face skin that hangs so well?

Anyway, enjoy... if you dare.

[UpsideDownDogs.com]

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The New York Times, Like These "Cat Men," Should Probably Get a Life

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:35:00 GMT

Thanks New York Times, for yet another hard-hitting deeply relevant Styles article. We were surprised to learn that straight men owning cats was such a sky-rocketing trend, we were not surprised to learn we could not care less. But, in the interest of ridicule, we give you...

Cat Men:

John Scalzi, 39, an author in Bradford, Ohio who once demonstrated his love for his cat by taping bacon to it and posting a photo on the Internet, "thinks that dogs are for the weaker of spirit, since the dog is, in effect, 'your wingman.'"

“If you’re feeling insecure about your space in the world, you get a dog because he will always back you up,” he said. “He’s the insecure man’s best friend.”

A man with a cat, on the other hand, “is secure with himself,” he said. “He’s sharing his space with a predator.”

Oh, right! That vibrating ball of hair and attitude in your lap is a predator, we almost forgot. Good to know, we'll avoid coming over in case Fluffy's in a dangerous mood.

Because You Don't Have Enough Lolcats in Your Life, At Least Not Today

Emily Farris — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 14:42:00 GMT

Scanner Emily posts a picture of lolcats. She is..

a) heartbroken.
b) hungover.
c) waiting for her roommate to get out of the bathroom.

B is for barf and bars and because I drank too much whiskey.

To speak in lolcat talk, me thinks i'z not as yung as me ust to beee.

What's your hangover cure?

Mine is usually a banana and Gatorade, but I'm trying the Alka-Seltzer hangover stuff. I used to be able to stop hangovers before they happened and I had a banana and Aleve and water before bed. Like I said, me thinks i'z not as yung as me ust to beee. I may just have to pour some whiskey over my granola this morning.

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Well, well, well. It looks like somebody had a good time last night.

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Emily Farris — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Ninja Cat Is Stealthy, But Ultimately Still Scared of You

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 19:05:00 GMT

This video of Ninja Cat, the cat that comes closer without moving, is one of the greatest things we've seen all day. So charming, it could even cheer up Lehman Bros. execs.

One of These Cats is Not Like the Other

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 May 2008 19:24:00 GMT

Would you believe that there are at least five cats who look a lot more like Wilford Brimley than we look like Ashley Alexandra Dupre? Click through for the other four.

[Gatos Island via BoingBoing]

Caught on Tape: Cats Masturbating

Emily Farris — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 19:58:00 GMT

via videosift.com

Speaking of animal sex, we came across this video of a masturbating cat today, and to learn more about this strange phenomenon (we've only had female cats), we Googled "cats masturbating." What we found were more videos of cats masturbating.

Genetically Modified Fearless Mouse Cute, But a Little Scary

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 15:37:00 GMT

Scientists in Japan have genetically modified a mouse to make it "fearless;" it just marched it's cute little mouse ass right up to a cat and tried to cuddle. While it sounds like the plot for an animated Disney movie, we get the feeling this is not good news for earthlings who rely on their intuition to stay away from things like rotten food and rotten people:

[The findings show] that fear is genetically hardwired and not learned through experience, as commonly believed. Mice are naturally terrified of cats and usually panic or flee at the smell of one, research team leader Ko Kobayakawa said. But mice with certain nasal cells removed through genetic engineering didn't display any fear...The findings suggest that human aversion to dangerous smells like that of rotten food, for example, could also be genetically predetermined, he said.

[Via PR-inside.com]

Cats in Wigs are Freaking Awesome

Bryan Christian — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 12:26:00 GMT

Earlier this week, our former compatriot Scanner Sarah (hey, do we have to call her Salon Sarah now?) dropped us a line about the Octodog, a magical device used to turn hotdogs into shellfish, which we loved but weren't sure was an actual thing anymore since every reference we could find to it dated from, like, 2003 and mentioned how disappointing the Matrix sequels were and how exciting presidential candidate Howard Dean was. So, unfortunately, the Octodog didn't actually make it on to the site.

Cut to last night, and our wife, who hearts Salon Sarah big time, goes "I want to show you a site, but you have to promise to read it all the way through before groaning, and you have to promise to send it to Sarah, because we know she would heart it big time." And we did, and we did, and we agree, so here we go: Salon Sarah, may we proudly present cats wearing glamour wigs. Do you heart them?

Video of the Day: Crazy Cat Guy

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 19:00:00 GMT

This crazy cat guy's house is covered with pictures of his feline friends, but he has one huge obstacle in his love affair with cats: He's allergic to them. This spoof video about the author of Dances with Cats made us laugh almost as hard as we did the first time we read the book. At least this time our cackling didn't wake anyone's parents. Who says loud sex is the only way to disrupt people sleeping in the next room?