Scanner : cartoons

The Future of Dating

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:09:00 GMT

Yesterday we asked if dating was dead. It's not, said the majority of Scanner commenters. It's alive, and according to this Abstruse Goose cartoon, it has an even higher-tech future than current dating.

More Abstruse Goose here.

Boy Toy Seeks Sugar Mama, Finds Her at Speed Dating Event

Smiths Speed Dating Really Happened

PG Porn Wishes You A Bloody Christmas

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:06:00 GMT

James Gunn is back with another "love it or want to have its creator whacked" episode of PG Porn, last fall's hottest viral video.

As before, there's no graphic sex, but that doesn't mean it isn't titillating...

Here's the video-- but tread carefully. Not only is this NSFW despite the "PG" label, it's gross in every imaginable way-- from a barf-covered drunken mama to an eyeball hanging out of its socket, and buckets of blood in between (starting after the 2 minute mark-- so enjoy until then.)

The Gamer Next Door Models Your Last-Minute Gifts

Sloppy Seconds: Billie Jean Was Indeed My Lover?

Cutest Thing Ever? Or Yet Another Sign America Is Going Down The (You)Tubes?

The Top 10 Yahoo Searches of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:28:00 GMT

We never understand why year-end best of polls come out before the year is over (meaning: we understood that the media tries to capitalize on the year before everyone stops carrying, but not why anyone accepts them as fact.) Top 10 movies, as polled by the critics who have seen all the year's releases already, but what if there's a major prostitution scandal and everyone starts looking up someone named Joanna Esmerelda Dupois in absurd numbers?

Yahoo isn't worried about our pesky little inquiries. It has already released their top 10 list for 2008 and although we've already revealed their #1 choice, once we caught wind of the runner-ups, we felt an overwhelming urge to burden you with this information...

10. American Idol. You mean, people don't get enough of this shit in its four hours per week?

9. Angelina Jolie. Must've been those $14 million baby pictures everyone was trying to catch a glimpse of without having to buy a tabloid magazine. Say hello to the free world wide web, People.

8. Lindsay Lohan. She would've been our guess for the #1 slot, which shows you how much we know about what men find most attractive.

7. Naruto. Apparently, some sort of cartoon character. See #8.

6. Jessica Alba. Yes, she has her assets, but none of them include talent, interesting personality, or newsmaking lifestyle. Why, why, why?

5. RuneScape. We're starting to feel a little bit left out of the loop here...

4. Miley Cyrus. We're almost relieved to see Hannah, scion of the Montana's, on this rundown, for reasons of familiarity only.

3. Barack Obama. Here's hoping the most popular related searches do not include the phrases "is a Muslim" or "and mom's nude photos."

2. WWE. Scary... although we figured eight-year-old boys are computer-trained these days...

1. Britney Spears. What hasn't been said already about a woman who was a has-been at age 7 and hasn't done a damn thing worth paying attention to since? Let's make this her last appearance on this or any list, please...

Via Yahoo.

Related:

Caption This: Britney is Keeping Her Kids This Time

Sloppy Seconds: The Curious Case of 130,000 Missing Breasts

While You Were Sleeping: Who's #1 on Yahoo?

Sloppy Seconds: Divorce for Amy Winehouse?

While You Were Sleeping: Leftover Edition

Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 22:19:00 GMT

After male superhero movie after male superhero movie after male superhero movie, Wonder Woman is finally going to the big screen—except not. It's going straight to DVD. And it's animated. [Jezebel]

Britney Spears equates her life to a jail sentence. [People]

Is Nicole Kidman going to be the next star to quit the biz? Yawn. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson Wentz are still waiting for that baby to pop out. [MTV]

Courtney Love would like you to know she's not suicidal after a crazy death rant on her MySpace blog. [Us]

Get Your Muslim On

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 18:13:00 GMT

The new animated version of David Rees' genius cartoon Get Your War On has had us cracking up since its premiere in late July.

Now comes its finest moment so far: Accounts Payable's reaction to the election of Barack Hussein Obama as President of the United States...

That's some good shit, right there. Although we've loaded our .22, just to be on the safe side.

Seriously, there are crazy racist fools out there that really believe this stuff. Strangely enough, they are all apparently hiding out in Austria:

Veteran Austrian television personality Klaus Emmerich has triggered a storm of criticism for his racist comments about Barack Obama, the US president-elect. [...]

...the respected US expert has stained his own report card with a string of blatantly racist remarks regarding the election of Barack Obama in the US. Speaking on a talk show on the Austrian public channel ORF on Wednesday, he said: "I wouldn't want the Western world to be directed by a black man. When you say that is a racist remark: right, without a doubt."

Americans are "racists, now as before, and it must be going very badly for them that they so convincingly ... send a black man, and a black, very good-looking woman, into the White House," he said. [Queer Conservative]

Via 23/6.

Scanner Survey: Did You Have Election Night Sex?

The Election Is Over... And Now The Truth Comes Out

Last Night In Glorious Photos

This Week In Gayness: We Say No To That Yes On Prop 8

The Election Ain't Over Yet...

Most Likely, We'll Sleep With You if You Grow a Giant Beard

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 15:22:00 GMT

As anyone who reads this blog knows, Scanner Emily is in love with the beard. There's just something about it. Well, there are many things about it, as the people who put together this little cartoon know. The truest of the true reasons to grow a beard, after the jump.

Seriously. We don't even know you, but we want to make sweet, sweet love to your beard. Right now.

[10 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Grow a Giant Beard]

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: Facial Hair

Scanner Roundtable: Does Stubble = Sex(ier)?

New Issue of "Pinups" Gets Us All Hot and Bothered

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

"Pinups" Issue No. 5 Gets a 10

Crush of the Week: Vivienne Westwood's Bear

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Consider Prancing Around in Stripper Shoes to Survive the Recession

Photoshop Me One More Time

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 17:31:00 GMT

Which pop star has yet again been digitized to look like a totally "hot" version of herself for her new album?

You might have a hard time figuring it out even after you see the whole thing, but give it a try...

Britney's looking good these days! At least the Photoshopped Britney that's being used to promote her new album, Womanizer.

Okay. We're sure any woman's first hot cartoon is pretty fun. But Poor Brit. How is she ever going to learn to be a normal person, or love herself, or like herself when she keeps being replaced by more attractive cartoons? Hell, not even more attractive, just... skinnier. Much, much skinnier.

[The Sun via Jezebel]

Related:

We Haven't Seen Britney Spears This Animated in Years (Har, Har)

Sloppy Seconds: The Britney Comeback

That New Britney Spears Cartoon Video We've All Been Waiting For (Or Not)

More Fun With Photoshop: McCain-Palin Beauties

When Re-Touchers Get a Little Magic Wand Happy We All Suffer, Especially Scanner Emily

Good Thing There is Absolutely Nothing Stupid About Unicorns

Emily Farris — Wed, 28 May 2008 13:12:00 GMT

Yes But No But Yes rounds up the Top 10 Most Stupid Tattoos, and while we tend to disagree with the blogger's general attitude toward tattoos, we must agree with the number nine Most Stupid Tattoo, which we really think should be number one.

The Taz tat takes the cake as far as we're concerned.

Doesn't it just scream "I know I keep talking about how much I want to have sex with you but in reality I got this tattoo so no woman would ever sleep with me again?"

Not on the list? Unicorns and Chinese symbol tattoos on people who have no connection to Chinese culture whatsoever.

Oh and, um, when googling "unicorn tattoos" we found this. We absolutely do not endorse it, however, we must say it is, uh, creative? (NSFA=Not Safe For ANYTHING)

[YBNBY: The Top 10 Most Stupid Tattoos]

Former Porn Screengrabs Find Second Life As Adorable Cartoon Fun!

Bryan Christian — Wed, 21 May 2008 16:19:00 GMT

We always knew this was how the West was won! Click through for a couple more of our favorites from the Ex-Porn collection, which seems likely to make us forget all about LOLCats in, like, five seconds.

While You Were Sleeping: We Were Reminded What Ashlee Simpson is Supposed to Be Famous For (And It's Not Being Knocked-Up)

Emily Farris — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Lindsay Lohan pretty much told Daddy Lohan to shut the fuck up. [Molly Good]

If Scientology manages to cancel your YouTube account, you just create a new one. Duh. [Jossip]

We were kind-of "enh" when Madonna kissed Britney Spears on stage. Now we're throwing up in our mouths a little at the idea that she posted a video response to Miley Cyrus' YouTube channel. [MTV]

It's early, we have't had our coffee yet, and we just can't decide what's more pointless: the self-stirring coffee mug or the triple stack coffee mug. At least one would be good for handing off a vessel full of hot liquid... [Gizmodo and the Presurfer]

If Jessica Rabbit were alive today, she'd be smokin'. [Neatorama]

You should know that bloggers don't really like it when you correct our grammar and typos in the comments section, or via email for that matter. [Best Week Ever]

We were reminded that Ashlee Simpson is supposed to be famous for being a "singer." Her recent appearance on Today was the first time we've ever heard her sing. Unfortunately, for her, and for me for us for the last four minutes, she just sounds like a 55-year-old who has smoked a pack a day for 40 years. We wonder if her back-up singers hate her for that while they're probably actually really talented. [FameCrawler] [Image]

80s Cartoon Moments That Made You Pee Your Ninja Turtle Footie Pajamas

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 17:28:00 GMT

Here is a list of the most disturbing and tramatizing cartoon moments of the 80s. And yes, Seaspray from Transformers falling in love with a mermaid is there right alongside the naked Thundercats. But the thing that terrified us beyond belief as children is missing from this list. We have diligently tracked down this thing that kept us awake and shaking at night and embeded after the jump...for the sake of the children, of course.

This clip from Rainbow Brite just happens to be the first Rainbow Brite clip we found on YouTube. We weren't looking for it specifically, but you know what? It's fucking scary, because that whole show was fucking scary. We used to think that Murky and Lurky lived in our closet and waited until we fell asleep to carry us away and clearly shit like this is why. What the fuck are they doing to Moonglow? Why do they have her tied up like a torture victim? Where the Hell were our mothers when this shit was terrifying the crap out of us? Oh God, we need a cookie and a nightlight.

That New Britney Spears Cartoon Video We've All Been Waiting For (Or Not)

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 19:01:00 GMT

Here it is, folks.

Break the Ice

[Previously: We Haven't Seen Britney Spears This Animated in Years (Har, Har)]

We Haven't Seen Britney Spears This Animated in Years (Har, Har)

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 13:13:00 GMT

Save her debut "Hit Me Baby One More Time," what we call Britney Spears' musical carrer has been built on reactionary videos like "Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman," "Not That Innocent," "Toxic," and "Pieces of Me." In the video for her latest single, "Break the Ice," we'll see a cartoon Britney. A genius response to the character the media has made her out to be? Or is she just too glassy eyed to appear on screen? We have to admit, cartoon Britney is way hotter that real Britney right now.

[Star: Britney Spears gets into toon]

[Real Britney image via usmagazine.com]

Garfield Minus Garfield = Zen

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 14:31:00 GMT

There's something eloquent and rather zen about Garfield Minus Garfield, the blog that removes the fat cat from each day's strip. But how about giving other comics the same treatment?

From an e-mail exchange:

BF: Brilliant. We should try this with all comics, especially Cathy.
KO: Yes. Three empty panels would be the best "Cathy" ever.
MC: Cathy is already a self-parody. What about losing those dead grandparents in Family fucking Circus?
BF: Well, that's the joke. Without Cathy, "Cathy" the comic is a bunch of blank panels, which is way funnier than "Cathy" the comic.

If anyone's a genius at Photoshop, maybe they can take some other comics out there and make existenstenial gems out of a particular strip and send it to us? We'll credit you, of course.

In the meantime, enjoy this old Family Circus parody, with a naked dolly riding her toy horse, complete with some submitted captions:

Yes, tell me all about your new job, honey. - Oliver Klosoff
Did you enjoy the Fellini festival, Dear? - anon
"OK, now Simon Sez: run to the neighbors yelling 'No, daddy, no!'" - Jeffy
You'll enjoy it more if you don't ride sidesaddle, dear. - anon
Yes dear, but Lady Godiva had a reason. - Roxanne LeReaux