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Ever Wonder What Your Body Would Taste Like To A Cannibal?

Ina Maier — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 16:53:00 GMT

Yeah, us neither. Until we saw a quiz that purported to tell us exactly that. And then we wondered why on earth we'd never wondered it before.

It starts innocuously enough: Do you lift weights? "Ah, we get it," we thought. "You'll establish how fatty and marbly we're gonna be. Decide flavor on a toughness to tenderness scale. Good thing we haven't seen the inside of a gym in years and we just ate a 5 course meal at Babbo last night. Thank god we ordered the goose liver ravioli!"

Smiling, we coasted through some more exercise questions (including the seemingly absurd "Do you swim regularly?" No. Do you? Maybe it's the New Yorker in us talking, but really? Swimming?) and landed at "What ethnicity are you?" We weren't sure what to make of this one, but as we checked off "White/Caucasian", we wondered idly if it was wrong that Pacific Islander seemed the juiciest.

Gender / Age made sense -- females have all those juicy mammary glands and obviously kidlets are delicious! -- and eating habits seemed obvious: the fattier, the better, no? Like Kobe beef and beer! But then again, maybe it's the opposite in humans? All natural, grain-fed peoples make for yummy meat, etc. Oy! So stressful! What to choose?? We wrestled with our desire for flavor and then erred on the side of honesty: Not a vegetarian, Not healthy, lots of junk food.

Now, our tanning habits? Do we moisturize? We could almost taste the marbled fat waiting in our supple, pasty skin. We smirked arrogantly as we emphatically selected, "Never." and, of course, "Always."

Our mouth watered -- we were delicious, we knew it! -- and we clicked through to our results.

WTF?!

[Take your own damn lying sack o' quiz here.]

Cringeworthy Story of the Day: Inmate Tries to Cut Off His Own Penis With....

Russian Recession Roast is One Piece of Meat We'll Not Eat

ABC News Finally Figures Out That the Internet is for Porn

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 17:28:00 GMT

ABC news has been exploring its own sexuality lately, and this week the fine folks there have finally noticed that kinky sex is on the rise and asks 'is the Internet to blame?'

Duh.

Obviously, they're still becoming comfortable with their own body, and we were a little overwhelmed with all of the "unnecessary quotation marks" ("swinging", "safe") but as one expert who was interviewed pointed out, "what's weird, sick or kinky for you is what practitioners defend as 'normal' for them."

"Credit, or blame, the Internet, making information available in such a level playing field that outrageous acts have become so accessible they seem mainstream," she told ABCNews.com.

But buyer beware: exploring your sexual fetishes online could put you on a slippery slope leading to... cannibalism?

And, according to Quilliam, it's a slippery slope when it comes to what is consensual, especially in one of the fastest growing paraphilias on the Internet -- cannibalism.

"You slice off a piece of somebody and together you fry it and cook it and eat it," she said. "There's a Web site for almost anything."

[ABC News: Kinky Sex Is on the Rise, Therapists Say]

Related:

ABC Calls Drunken Teenage Anal Sex "Love Making," Interviews Jezzies and Ultimately Tries to be Helpful

Today in Studies that Freak Us Out: Breakfast and Sex

Someone at ABC News is Still Angry About Their High School Cup Size

Russian Recession Roast is One Piece of Meat We'll Not Eat

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:59:00 GMT

Two 19-year-old Russian men—Yuri Mozhnov, a florist, and Maxim Golovatskhikh, a street-market butcher and one-time psychiatric patient—were arrested after they enjoyed a simple pot roast of potatoes and 16-year-old girl.

The men are suspected of drowning the girl—an acquaintance—cutting her body up into pieces, roasting some of it (with potatoes!) and disposing of the rest around their city.

Parts of what police believe is the girl's body have been found scattered in plastic bags.

So why'd they do it?

"The arrestees said they ate the girl's body parts because they were hungry," said Sergei Kapitonov, a spokesman for the city's prosecutors.

[Telegraph: Russian men 'cooked and ate' teenage girl]

Gay Cannibal Becomes Prison Chef

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Gay Cannibal Becomes Prison Chef

Emily Farris — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 19:38:00 GMT

Anthony Morely, a former Mr. Gay UK winner, was recently convicted of murdering and then eating parts of a magazine executive in the UK. And now, his friend said, he's been given the job of prison chef. A strange idea, until you consider that Morely had the wherewithal to properly season and sauté his victim.

Apparently, Morely slit the throat of Damian Oldfield before cutting off chunks of his body, seasoning them with herbs and frying them in olive oil.

While Morely is sentenced to the kitchen, he won't be allowed to use knives. Maybe he'll work the deep fryer?

"I reckon some of the other inmates might get a bit worried if they knew who was serving up their food but I'd eat it," Morely's friend Michael said. "Whatever he's done, Tony can cook. He's a brilliant chef. They obviously knew about his talent with food so they offered him the chance to work in the canteen... He was really angry that they weren't letting him use any knives. He asked me, 'How the hell am I supposed to do this without knives?'"

Well, we all know that those who can't do teach. So maybe he should spend his newfound free time writing a cannibal cookbook? Oh, sorry. Was that in poor taste? (Har, har.)

[People UK: GAY CANNIBAL KILLER'S JOB AS A PRISON CHEF]

[Image via Gawker]

Male Praying Mantids Have Sex for Up to 8 Hours After Losing Their Heads

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 13:14:00 GMT

Talk about stamina: a male praying mantid (a member of the mantis genus) can continue to have sex for up to eight hours after his head has been chewed off (literally) by his female counterpart. Take that, Sting!

We thought the lady just had her sex partner for dinner once she got what she wanted from him, but apparently she can eat and then keep going, and going, and going. But lest you think males only think with their boy parts, apparently the male mantids can continue sex for hours after decapitation because they have a "second primitive brain in their abdomens."

However, praying mantid dudes should know that can save themselves by approaching the lady from behind.

[Sydney Morning Herald: Great sex, but his mind's elsewhere…]