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Hey Everyone, Let's Join the Sex Party

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 17:20:00 GMT

In November, right after the American Presidential election, we brought you word of an emerging (but subsequently little-noticed) political party in Australia: The Sex Party. Here's what we said:

In response to "moral campaigners and prudish politicians," Australia's open-minded citizens have decided to strike back.
On Thursday, the Great Down Under will announce the only political news worth reporting on: the launch of the fortunately-named Australian Sex Party. And no, it's not that key-exchange game your Mom told you about.

This week, Canada got in on that action with its very own-- and rather different-- Sex Party...

Although they were resoundly defeated in yesterday's parliamentary elections-- as if anyone knew they would be on the ballot-- the Sex Party of British Columbia has only just begun to (fuck or) fight. They have launched a real publicity blitz that is gaining national and, ultimately, worldwide attention, starting with its catchy slogan: "Sex is good. Let's make it better!"

"We're not running to get elected. Obviously it's impossible, especially in a first-past-the-post system that discriminates against small parties," said John Ince, a Vancouver sex shop owner and leader of the Sex Party.
The party's platform touts the benefits of a healthy sex life for personal growth and the betterment of society.
It proposes revamping the provincial education program to gradually encourage students' sexual activity, whereby extensive sexual experimentation would precede first intercourse.
Teens would learn the basics of healthy and satisfying sexual liaisons, such as trust, emotional intimacy, relaxation and verbal communication. They would be offered courses in erotic massage, and taught not to discriminate against gays or lesbians.
Furthermore, the Sex Party would require that all public parks and beaches larger than one hectare (2.5 acres) be designated areas for nudists in a bid "to normalize all parts of the human body and de-stigmatize human sexual organs."

Can you imagine that ever passing here in the next 500 years? Central Park overrun by nudists-- meaning, besides that "nudists" who walk up to you and expose themselves? Never gonna happen... but stranger things have happened in Canada and we'd certainly vote for a Sex Party candidate if we could...

It promises to make it easier for the elderly living in long-term care facilities to have sex, for example, by instituting training for "specialized sexual care nurses."
"Other politicians don't want to discuss these kinds of issues. It's very scary to them," commented Scarlett Lake. The former exotic dancer who now owns an escort service is one of three Sex Party candidates in this election.
She proposes changing Victoria Day, a statutory holiday in Canada that celebrates the birthday of Queen Victoria, who reigned during an era of prudery in Britain, to "Eros Day" for the Greek mythological god of lust and intercourse.

"Specialized sexual care nurses" as part of its platform... ex-strippers/escort Madams-turned candidates... making Victoria Day the Crazy Lust and Greek Sex Orgy day... all that is bound to garner a few token votes. Unfortunately, for now, that's all they're likely to get...

This photo of John Ince, the group's founder, is just begging for a "Caption This."

Via AFP.

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O Canada! Teen Girls Trading BJs for Merchandise

Colleen Kane — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:36:00 GMT

Here's the lead of a story in the Toronto Star about the kids today:

Middle-class Canadian girls are giving oral sex after school to pay for sweaters and handbags.

Well, that got my attention, how about you?

According to filmmaker (and former Toronto Star columnist) Sharlene Azam, oral sex has become so normalized among teens that, for some in her film Oral Sex is the New Goodnight Kiss, it's being used as a barter tool.

So how has prositution developed in middle-class schools? Azam calls those teens who recruit fellow teens into prostitution "a new kind of predator."

Girls she spoke with for the film would speak casually about blowing five guys in one night.

"The reason they speak about it unflinchingly is because it has become as benign and as acceptable as kissing. This is what our culture has become. Think back to the '80s when girls would blush when talking about their first kiss. We are way past that point with blowjobs. The real question is, 'What's next?'"

Heather, 16, outright states she associates pleasuring the boys with power. Which begs the question, has feminism failed the girls?

"We failed our girls. What's happened to our girls? We have let Girls Gone Wild and the media culture define them."

Commenters on the interview with Azam are divided about whether parenting has failed, or this is nothing new and Azam is making a mountain out of a couple of run-of-the-mill high-school sluts. What do you think?

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Top 5 Nude Beaches in North America

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:43:00 GMT

If you're gay or just want to see a bunch of naked men making out, tanning, splashing each other, or just plain frolicking in the sun, OutTraveler has the list for you.

And if you're a lady person and just want to let it all hang out among guys who probably won't take your picture and put it on NudeBeachCam.com or whatever, you'll want to know where the hot spots are...

Theirs is a Top 5 list, beginning with the only entry for an ocean beach in the continental United States: unfortunately, it's in Miami...

1. Haulover Beach, Miami. Apparently, this is the only nude beach in Flordia and arguably one of the country's finest of any kind. Pro: Lots of good looking people. Con: It's in Miami, for God's sake. Not only that, it's a mob scene virtually from the crack of dawn to after the cops toss everyone off the beach.

2. Hippie Hollow, Austin. We were surprised to learn there was a nude beach in Austin and even more surprised to learn that Texas police haven't raided it with rubber bullets yet. Pro: "Over a hundred swimming holes, a gay-adored beach, and impressive climbing crags beckon from the star of Texas." Con: "The gay section is about 15 minutes walk to the left from the parking lot." Then again, that kind of distance between you and the rest of the local bathers could be a "pro."

3. Hanlan’s Point, Toronto. We don't often think "nude beach" and "Canada" go together, but this entry convinces us. Pro: The fifteen-minute ferry to the beach has an amazing view of the city and, at 6.50CA, is the only thing you'll have to spend money on to get to the sand. Also, water quality is monitored constantly and is usually excellent. Con: You have to wait for it to get hot enough. In Canada.

4. Little Beach, Makena, Maui, Hawaii. Up a trail in the hills of Maui, this island hideaway has one major catch: it's illegal to go naked anywhere in public in Hawaii. Pro: Bragging rights about going naked in Maui-- is there anything that can make your Facebook friends more jealous than to read that status update? Con: Having your hands cuffed behind your back when you're naked-- and not getting any S&M out of it.

5. Wreck Beach, Vancouver. Man, who knew there were so many opportunities to take your clothes off in Canadia Land? Pro: "Naked vendors ply the beach offering water, beer, sandwiches, and a surprising array of narcotics. Ask any student how to get to the access paths that lead down to the water." Better yet, ask a student while you're naked doing a snort of coke off your boyfriend's umbrella tip. Con: Absolutely nothing that we can think of...

By the way, if you're over in the UK, you should know that the country's oldest nude beach will close after this summer, thanks to coastal erosion (i.e. global warming.)

Via OutTraveler.

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Politician Probably Should've Taken Down Scandalous Facebook Profile First

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 21:26:00 GMT

This might be the first case of a political photo scandal on the internet eventually finishing off a politician's career. Ray Lam must be cursing the very existence of Facebook after two photos posted to his account caused him to drop out of an electoral grudge match.

Lam, who took down his Facebook account yesterday after the leak hit the Canadian press (the images above are of other Ray Lam's), didn't delete the photos from the web fast enough...

This photo, along with another one depicting Lam groping a woman's breasts, cost the candidate his standing in British Columbia's New Democratic Party and his spot on the ticket in a civil race. This is a setback for Canadian Scanner readers, for sure, as the Globe and Mail makes clear:

Mr. Lam's website says that he has a background in social services and non-profit groups.

Mr. Lam has been involved for several years with the Pride Society, a Vancouver-based advocacy group for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered community. According to a Pride Society web site, Mr. Lam has been involved in several community organizations and was chair of Youthquest, Lesbian & Gay Youth Society of British Columbia.

So, if he's interested in all this gay activism, there is a strong possibility he's a homosexual, which means he wasn't even bothering these people sexually. Oh well-- behold the power of Facebook: it can't find anyone who believes it will last another two years, but it can bring down politicians with harmless "risque photos." Scary.

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This Teenage Sex Tape Craze Is Getting Out of Hand...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:28:00 GMT

And you thought it had gone too far when those two kids were arrested for making a sex tape of a consenting couple...

According to the Associated Press in Florida:

The Monroe County Sheriff's office has charged 10 teens from the Florida Keys with making child pornography after detectives confiscated a videotape of a 16-year-old runaway girl having sex with a 19-year-old man.
Authorities said the investigation started when a 14-year-old runaway told a school resource officer that she was worried her friend -- the girl having sex on the tape -- had been raped. The girl who appeared in the video denied being raped.
The teens, seven boys and three girls age 13 to 19, face charges of sexual performance by a child, a second-degree felony. Eight of the 10 were arrested Wednesday; the other two are out of town and will be arrested when they return.

Okay, one to operate the camera... another to hold the boom... my, this is a serious production now. So, we gotta ask, what were the other half-dozen participants doing during all this? Your suspicions, in the comments...

Via AP/ABC News.

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Teenage Girl Sues Her Father For Grounding Her, Wins

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

A 12-year-old girl (now apparently 13) sued her father in 2008 for denying her permission to attend a class trip because she was grounded. According to the father, the child had been using the internet at his house after being instructed not to. He claims the girl was visiting sites he had previously blocked and possibly sharing pornographic images of herself.

This is a no-brainer, right? But this textbook example of a frivolous lawsuit not only wasn't thrown out, it's gone through one initial trial and an appeal, both of which resulted in the girl coming out ahead. How is this even possible?

Of course, there is a lot more to this story. Even the original CBC reporter who wrote extensively about the case neglected to mention the bitter (and I mean BITTER) divorce proceedings. The mother, it is alleged, heard about the grounding and decided she would pay for the trip herself, chaperone, and help the girl sue her father with the help of her mother's attorney. (Of course, you could look at it another way-- perhaps the mother was into the trip before the grounding, so the father found and excuse to mess with them.) Either way, this child is being manipulated by one or both awful parents-- and, even worse, the idiot judge let all proceed as if there were a real case here. Instead, he should have fined both parents $100,000 and taken the kid away from them. Okay, that's a little harsh, we admit-- $100,000 US is like $8 billion Canadian.

Seriously, though, check out what judicial jackass (i.e. the winning attorney) had to say about this:

"Going to court was a last resort," said Lucie Fortin, a legal aid attorney who represented the girl. "The question was that there was a problem between the father and the mother, and the child asked the court to intervene because it was important to her.

"The trip was very important to her."

The last resort? The last resort for us would've been for a compromise and the girl to lose internet at his house for six months but still go on the trip. Maybe. "The trip was very important to her?" Then maybe she shouldn't have used the internet after being instructed not to. For all the punishments we endured as kids, almost every one of them was because we broke a rule we knew better than to break. Tough. Shit. Girl.

The father and mother are no longer speaking, by the way. And so we move on into the 21st century, having learned so little...

Via CBC.

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Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 13:15:00 GMT

This adorable cat is a master clothing thief.

Lindsay Lohan says she's humiliated by her breakup with Samantha Ronson. If we were a hot movie star and Sam Ronson dumped us, we'd be pretty upset, too. Oh, and Ronson denies she took out a restraining order, but anyway...

Our favorite political story of the year so far: "Dead Mayor reelected"

OctoCrazy's inheritance and some overtime funded the in vitro. So now you know how she made all that rent money she burned.

Mounties grow mustaches to support charity-- can't wait for the "After" photos.

Obama congratulated the Tar Heels coach with a phone call from Air Force One.

Are you a habitual job hopper?

This Zac Efron-Vanessa Hudgens Funny or Die video featuring a star-studded cast is well worth your time. Just be careful where you watch it-- there are a few LOL moments.

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Our Neighbors to the North Get a Blue Ribbon for Sex Education While we FAIL

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 16:49:00 GMT

Sure Canada might have a few questionable practices when it comes to young people and sex—the legal age for consent in the country is 16 while the legal age for consensual anal sex is 18—but the US could surely learn a few things about sex education from our neighbors to the north.

Here in the States, teen pregnancy rates are up for the second year in a row. According to recent statistics, American women have 2.09 children while Canadian women have about 1.6. Thirty percent of that difference is apparently due to teen births in the U.S., and a whopping 90 percent of those thirty percent are unwanted.

What is Canada doing so right that we're doing so wrong?

"...The main reason is that Canadian teens of all social classes get comprehensive information about contraception and about how to avoid unwanted pregnancies. They get more sex ed in school, and can access high-school-based family planning counselling though the nurse. They can also always access universally free medical services, including visiting family doctor and special health clinics. And at all levels, there's a more positive attitude towards the pill, and either cheap or free prescriptions for it.

As a result, young Canadian women use more effective pharmaceutical methods (i.e. birth control pills) rather than less effective ones (condoms, or the so-called withdrawal method)...

After a decade and $1.5 billion U.S. federal dollars spent on abstinence-only programs, a Congress-authorized, rigorous scientific study reported no real difference in the age at which program participants first had sex, whether they had sex before marriage, or in their number of sexual partners."

[The Tyee: Canada on Top in Sex Ed]

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While You Were Sleeping: Diablo Cody's Super Porno Limo Rides

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:12:00 GMT

Gmail is here to rescue you from regrettable sent message. Of course, you have to immediately regret sending the e-mail for the feature to work.

M.I.A. replaced Amy Winehouse in the Coachella lineup.

We don't even know what to say about this woman who is no longer attracted to her laid-off husband.

Improv Everywhere staged an art opening on a New York City subway platform.

The strip club job fair appears to have been a success.

Winnipeg is finally safe to drive in.

The top film at the box office was not I Love You, Man or the equally-hyped Julia Roberts-Clive Owen movie Duplicity. Instead, another presumably dumb Nicholas Cage movie took the top spot. (How was it, really, and why did you bother?)

Diablo Cody's friends called their limo rides with the star screenwriter "super porno."

And Ashton Kutcher posted a TwitPic of wife Demi Moore bending over in a bikini. And she was thrilled.

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If Teenagers Can Have Sex, Why Can't They Have Sex Toys?

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:25:00 GMT

Kids get toy cars before they're old enough to drive, toy phones before they're old enough to get a cell phone account, toy ovens before they're old enough to play with fire and combustible gasses and even toy guns before they're too young to get a hunting license. So why can't teenagers who are old enough to engage in sexual activity get their hands on a few sex toys?

Seems kind-of fucked up when you consider that the legal age for consensual sex is under 18 in most places, but to enter a sex toy shop one needs to be at least that age. (Interesting aside: the legal age of sexual consent in Canada is 16 while the legal age for anal sexual consent is 18.)

Says one columnist in Canada:

"It sends a clear message to young people: Having sex with someone else is acceptable, but exploring your own body by masturbating with anything more than your own two hands is not."

Though the sale of sex toys is a states issue here in the United States, it's pretty much the same situation: it's legal to have sex at 17, it's just not legal to buy sex toys.

We can't begin to know the laws regulating the sale of sex toys to minors (or to now one, ahem, Alabama) in each state. But our friendly neighbors to the north have no laws on the books restricting the sale of sex toys, sold as “adult novelty items,” to anyone under the age of 18, yet stores will only allow those 18 and over to enter.

“I don’t think it’s an intentional double standard… They think they’re following the rules, is my hunch,” says Carlyle Jansen, owner of Good for Her.

Jansen says her understanding of the law restricts the sale of pornographic imagery in any medium to minors. “But sex toys, there don’t seem to be any regulations around who can purchase those and not. For example we allow people to bring their kids into the store or some people will come in and buy their daughter or son their first vibrator.

“I think the double standard comes out of the fact that we sort of ignore youth.”

So maybe that's why they're all turning up with STDs and/or babies in them?

[XTRA: Teens get shaft in struggle for sex toys]

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[Image]

Canadians May Be Crazy, But At Least They're Polite

Ina Maier — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 21:32:00 GMT

As the resident Scanner Canadian, I've felt obligated to address some of the creepier aspects of my country, but it's only fair that I give equal airtime to the finer parts of my country's crazy. Take, for example, the man who was detained at a US / Canada border for being, well, too polite.

According to NPR, via TakePart:

A Canadian man was crossing the border into Washington state when an inspector told him to turn off his car. Desiderio Fortunato replied, in effect: “Say please.” The inspector repeated his order. The Canadian still expected him to say please. The Canadian was blinded by pepper spray, dragged out of his car, handcuffed and detained for three hours.

Really, America? Really?

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Woman Gets Breast Cancer, So Workplace Finds An Excuse To Fire Her

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:47:00 GMT

It's like Philadelphia, only somehow more depressing.

A woman in Toronto was diagnosed with breast cancer a few weeks ago. She told her boss, who expressed sympathy. She was asked to put all of the information about her necessary time off in writing. She did so, stating that she would work right up until the heavy part of the procedures began, scheduled for last week. When her ex-husband suggested she get a second opinion on her diagnosis, she wrote a second note stating that she would stay on indefinitely.

That's what she found out that her company had considered her first note a letter of resignation and told her, "Sorry, nah nah, you can't take it back."

You think we're kidding?

Torrejon couldn't believe what she was reading. Nowhere in her letter or her conversations with the McDonalds had she ever suggested quitting her job. As an ill single mom [with two kids-- and don't forget the "ill" is "with breast cancer"], resigning is the last thing she could afford to do right now.
At their management office, a flustered Geri McDonald repeated their contention that Torrejon had submitted a letter of resignation. When told that we had seen a copy of the letter and it appeared to be nothing of the kind, McDonald pursed her lips and said, "I have nothing else to say."

The company may have suspected that Miss Torrejon is an illegal immigrant or some other type that might not fight back, but they were wrong. This was an extensive and widely-distributed story in yesterday's Toronto Sun. What can she do now? Possibly sue. Possibly get the government involved-- since, according to one local human rights league, McDonald and friends violated a law barring discrimination against the disabled, a category which Torrejon may fall under.

Via the Toronto Sun/Canoe.

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Woman Is Shocked To Discover That Porn Is Disgusting

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 20:38:00 GMT

We couldn't resist having a laugh at the expense of Mimi Balfour, a Toronto mom who was "shocked" to discover that porn, even those films supposedly geared toward women, were "poorly art directed, poorly shot, it wasn't sexy or intelligent and the guys weren't that attractive."

(Sounds like a spot-on review of most Hollywood movies supposedly geared toward women.)

But Balfour wasn't going to take this lying down. She decided she'd make her own porno, entitled Man of My Dreams...

The Financial Post describes the film as

a collection of fantasy scenarios written, produced and directed by Ms. Balfour, under Cleopatra Productions, is the result of five years of pondering and research, including focus groups with women.

Five years to make a softcore porn movie? Geez, Cinemax used to crank those out every Thursday. And, at a profit, which a five-year-long porn project is unlikely to make...

Each scene is accompanied by music and can be watched in "learning mode," which includes popup fun facts about sex. For example, did you know that orgasms can boost your immune system? Or that a teenage boy's erection can last an hour?

Words cannot begin to describe our shock after having confronted those words.

The scenes are soft but steamy, with enough nudity and variations on subtly simulated sex. Compared with conventional pornography, Man of My Dreams has a clean, bright, cheeky and vaguely wholesome aesthetic.

"My children know that Mummy's making a sexy movie," she says.

Via the Financial Post.

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This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:45:00 GMT

The vandalization of a gay youth center on Long Island is being investigated as a possible hate crime.

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Cops are cruising dudes at New York City sex shops. The undercovers are entrapping them for prostitution charges by mentioning that they will pay for sex, then waiting approximately two seconds before other cops jump the gay guys and arrest them.

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While She was Sleeping, Woman Got Herself in Another Fine Mess

Colleen Kane — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 20:10:00 GMT

A Canadian woman and her four children were seeking shelter from an abusive relationship and staying with an elderly couple. Their story takes a turn into the newsworthy when the woman went sleepwalking in an "erotic dream state," then removed some of her clothing and began grinding on her host, 35 years her senior. The host began reciprocating her behavior, when the woman woke up and realized her hijink. She asked the man to stop, which he immediately did.

The question that was then hashed out in the courts was whether the host, Paul Kut, was guilty of sexual assault.

No, says Justice Ron Millls: "The evidence does not suggest that he took advantage of an obviously sleeping person for his own sexual gratification being reckless or wilfully blind that she was not consenting."

Still, it's very creepy.

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Scanner Roundtable: If Gay Marriage Is Legal, What About Polygamy?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 15:14:00 GMT

The question posed by our headline is the very question the United Provinces of Canadia is dealing with today, thanks to a case involving the practice that is heating up in the country's courts. Two men linked to Warren Jeffs, the nutso Utah sect leader, currently facing serious jail time, are each of accused of having multiple wives.

Their argument is simple...

Blackmore’s lawyer, Blair Suffredine, said during a telephone interview that marriage standards in Canada have changed.
“If (homosexuals) can marry, what is the reason that public policy says one person can’t marry more than one person?” said Suffredine, a former provincial lawmaker. Canada’s Parliament extended full marriage rights to same-sex couples in 2005. [Canoe]

Before you go and get all excited, remember this: we are creeped out by these Jeffian cultists as much as the next person, but should we promote gay marriage while also saying, "Oh, but yeah... we don't condone that totally medieval practice?" Are we any better than those wacko Republicans who claim gay marriage in America will open the floodgates for people to marry their pet snakes, underage relatives with eight heads, and horny lepers.

P.S. Ironically, it was one gay couple's battles with the legal system reminded them of what polygamists must go through, and that thinking led to their HBO series Big Love.

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Introducing Every Rush Nerd's Dream Bride

Colleen Kane — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 20:21:00 GMT

Just try talking to a Rush fan without getting an earful about their drummer Neil Peart. Just try! Rush fans love him so much they want to marry him. Well, now they can! Kind of. Not really.

What follows is a video of a young lady rocking the drums to the Rush instrumental "YYZ." And she's a cute little Asian girl, to boot. But she is only 13, which makes her a good quarter century younger than the average Rush fan. Maybe it would be better to suggest her as a role model for your daughters.

You are welcome. You can thank me by cutting off any remaining mullets you are still hanging on to out there.

Signed, the younger sister of a drumming Rush fanatic and sister-in-law of another Rush superfan (both formerly mulleted).

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From Porn Stars To Prostitutes... The Latest Ads

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 19:45:00 GMT

Remember how, just the other day, we were speculating on the next form of desperate advertising? We predicted that, what with all the full frontal nudity in American Apparel ads, the only thing left for marketing people to try was blatant hardcore sex.

While we were only half-serious, we couldn't have realized how close we were to the truth. For the very next day, a story broke about an ad agency using actual prostitutes in a campaign...

It appears to be a legitimate activist attempt to start a discussion about legalizing prostitution, right? Actually, it's yet another not-so-guerilla stunt by a ratings-starved radio station without anything else to offer. (You can see the logo for Toronto's CFRB 1010 in the bottom right corner of the signs.)

In an interview with local media, the Bad Date Coalition of Toronto, which advocates for sex workers, attacked the ad and its producers:

“It’s to give that radio station attention. It has nothing to do with helping out the sex worker … It’s using them,” she said. “If we wanted to have an actual discussion … have the sex workers come in and have it in a place where it’s safe and where people can call in and respectfully ask questions.”
She said having the women display a sign on the street “sets them up” to be targeted by police and predators.

While we don't disagree with her on the radio station bit, it's a bit silly to say the signs set them up to be targeted by police-- after all, they were already standing there, working as prostitutes, being targets for police, when the ad agency waltzed by and asked if they wanted to earn an hour's wage without doing anything illegal, which can't be a bad thing.

Via Toronto's National Post.

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Is Canada Falling Apart? When In Doubt, Ask Jon Stewart

Ina Maier — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 21:26:00 GMT

As the resident Canadian, I feel obligated to both comment on the situation that's (strange)brewing in the Great White land of your Northern neighbors. However, as I'm only mildly ashamed to admit, I have no idea what I'm talking about.(Apparently, someone is staging a coup! Or so says one response to my desperate Facebook status plea for an explanation.)

And so, in lieu of feigning any understanding of my homeland's politics, I'm going to leave both of those obligations to Jon Stewart. His thoughts -- which include some Clinton zingers and Queen Elizabeth's corgis -- and shockingly clear explanation, after the jump...

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

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John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Well, there you have it. My country is now a monarchy.

In the News: The Tickler Arrested, Canada's Sex Party Sues

The 15 Most Promiscuous Countries

CBC Apologizes for Calling Sarah Palin a "Porn Star"

The 15 Most Promiscuous Countries

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 15:18:00 GMT

USA! USA! USA!

Not this time... and that's a welcome change. After all, aren't you beyond bored with the perennial sex surveys that trash our Puritan nation's filthy, condom-buying pervs? Not this time: suck it, Australia, Germany, and the rest!

But not literally, of course, since we're prudes compared to you guys...

Here are the Top 15, according to research published in this week's New Scientist by a professor at Bradley University:

1. United Kingdom

2. Germany

3. Netherlands

4. Czech Republic

5. Australia

6. USA

7. France

8. Turkey

9. Mexico

10. Canada

11. Italy

12. Poland

13. Spain

14. Greece

15. Portugal

The survey queried 14,000 people in 48 countries on their life's worth of sex partners and one night stands, plus a respondent's general attitude toward casual sex and getting it on in general. Particularly interesting is this excerpt from a story about this story in the Times:

The high scores in many Baltic and eastern European states might be linked, Schmitt said, to the fact that women outnumber men and so are under more pressure to conform to what men want in order to find a mate. In Asian countries, by contrast, men tend to outnumber women slightly, so it is men who have to conform.

That doesn't sound very scientific to us, but we'll take it...

Dad Nobly Defends Son Against Rape Charges... Oh, Wait...

No Legal Remedies for "Upskirting" and "Downblousing"

We Present... The Cougar Perv

Mom Films Her Boyfriend Having Sex with Her 13-Year-Old Daughter

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 10-6

This Week In Gayness: Lesbians Under Attack

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 17:40:00 GMT

Wanna know what Prop 8 supporters think of the gays now? Then check out this hate mail.

Utah may finally emerge from the Dark Ages if the Mormons are as good as their word(ed press release.)

Diego Luna and James Franco haven't convinced us they enjoyed kissing their male co-star...

"It was...dry."

That was Milk star Diego Luna, when asked how it was kissing Sean Penn, who plays iconic gay rights activist (and Luna's boyfriend the film) Harvey Milk. "[Sean]'s not a great kisser," Diego, who shot to fame in Y Tu Mamá También, continued bravely, as only non-Hollywood actors seem capable of. "I guess he was thinking about Franco." As in James, who plays Penn's other BF in the flick.

So I pressed Franco on how the hell S.P. smooches. He literally went on for five minutes talking about something else.... I insisted on a pecker report! "It was...fine," Franco finally answered, with a tiny smile. [E!]

Oooh, you tease us with those words "pecker report." Shame, shame.

Courtney Love has the sinking suspicion some people were against Prop 8 before they were for it. Or the reverse. Or something. Meanwhile, a third of the state's lawmakers are hoping the courts can do something about the new gay marriage ban in California.

Keith Olbermann pretty much puts it all into perspective:

And lesbians are under attack... in Canada. Please, we need to give all gay people in this country full legal rights on every level before this hate spreads to every corner of the globe. (Probably too late.)

"Which one of you two 'men' spoke to my kid? F------ dyke. Lesbians," he said, spitting in Dimitriou's face. As she wiped her face, eyes closed, he punched her on the cheek and wound up again, slamming her backward into her truck. As Currie ran toward him, she remembers him shouting, "F------ dyke bitches," and punched her on the cheekbone so hard the skin burst apart, blood splattering.
What Currie remembers most, from the afternoon of Nov. 3, is the stillness of the schoolchildren, and the sound of her six-year-old son screaming. "It was a face of complete and utter horror," Currie said in an interview yesterday. "His mouth was wide open, and he just stood there, screaming." [The Star]

Related:

This Week In Gayness: We Say No To That Yes On Prop 8

Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

This Week in Gayness: Ellen vs. the Bigots

Video of the Day: Vote No on Prop 8

Gay Marriage: God Is Gonna Getcha... Claim Scary Freaks

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Today in the Apocalypse: Makeover Parties For Little Girls

Cheerleaders "Streak" High School Football Game

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

We put streaking in quotes in our headline because the girls in this video are not actually naked-- they are about as naked as we feel comfortable with and can legally get away posting images of. Does that make sense?

Never mind, you'll just have to see for yourself...

Warning: this video appears to have been filmed by someone who has never operated a video camera before. You'll see what we mean:

Well, at least the beginning is all watchable. And hell, the story ain't bad, either:

Video footage obtained by CBC News shows a dozen South Delta students wearing very little run across the field and spray silly string on the opposing team during half time.

Johnson said he warned students last month not to streak at this year's final game of the season but was, obviously, ignored. Many parents and children left the game in disgust after the prank, he said.

"Our position is one that we don't celebrate this. We don't find it funny," he said.

The girls, calling what they did a "harmless prank," said streaking is a tradition at their school.

"It's just kind of like a fun [graduation] prank for our year, and it's been going on for a couple of years now," said one of the girls, who wanted to be identified only as Rochelle. "It was pretty much out of fun."

"I get older... Canadian high school girls stay the saaamme age..."

Seriously, it would be one thing if these girls were naked and molesting people, but other than that, these parents need to take a step and remember a time when they still had a pulse.

Here's a last parting shot-- a still frame from the video, about the only way you're ever going to be able to figure out what's going on in it:

Via CBC.

Related (all NSFW):

Some of the Hottest Women in the Country All Got Naked Together

Woman Busted For Videotaping Her Underage Sex Crime

Lizzy Caplan And Her HBO Porn Show Still Terrible, Terribly Hot

The Results Are Not In... For This "Who Would You Rather?"

Happy Early 65th Birthday, Joni Mitchell

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 18:34:00 GMT

This is a great day for the peace movement that flowered (pun intended) in the 1960s. One person who must be thrilled at the prospect of an Obama presidency is the great Canadian singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell, one of our personal heroes, whose birthday is on Friday but is for some reason is celebrated in a story in today's Wall Street Journal.

Joni Mitchell fun facts, because they're easier to write than a full-on biography:

1) The CSNY cover of "Woodstock" was one of the biggest songs of the 1970s, with massive airplay throughout the early part of the decade, despite only reaching #11 on the charts. Camille Paglia wrote that the Mitchell-penned tune is "possibly the most popular and influential poem composed in English since Sylvia Plath's 'Daddy'."

2) The Clintons named Chelsea after the Joni Mitchell song "Chelsea Morning," which isn't all that memorable otherwise.

3) That Counting Crows song that tortured you for years about "paradise" and "parking lots?" That's "Big Yellow Taxi," see below.

4) "The Circle Game," which helped put her on the map, was inspired by Neil Young's "Sugar Mountain."

5) "Sex sells everything and sex kills," she sang in 1994. We have to disagree with at least part of that.

Here's a special playlist which we selected just for those of you who don't know what the hell we're talking about:

You Turn Me On I'm A Radio

Cactus Tree

The Circle Game

All I Want (Live LP Version)

Woodstock (Live LP Version)

Big Yellow Taxi

The album to get is Blue, which is one of the ten best English-language records ever, no question. All you'll need is a bottle of wine and a record player and you won't ever require anything else again...

Here's a story about Joni featuring an interview with David Crosby in today's WSJ.

Related:

I Love Myself For Loving You: Amy Ryan

Crush of the Week: Jim Vokac

Cloris Leachman Makes Bad Reality Show Halfway Watchable, Sexy

I Love Myself For Loving You: Patricia Clarkson

Crushes of the Week: The Ladies of Mad Men

Sarah Palin Gets Punked

Emily Farris — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 15:57:00 GMT

Sarah Palin received a call this weekend from French president Nicolas Sarkozy, or so she thought. It was really a comedian in Montreal, but somehow, even with her extensive foreign policy experience, she let the call go on for five minutes. In fact, even after the comedian said his hot wife was good in bed, and that he loved the documentary on her, "Nailin Paylin," she still had no doubt (er, clue) she was speaking to anyone but President Sarkozy.

Full transcript, and a recording of the entire phone call, after the jump.

A: Just hold on for President Sarkozy, one moment.

P: Oh, it's not him yet, they're saying. I always do that.

A: Yes, hello, Gov. Palin.

P: Hello, this is Sarah, how are you?

A: Fine, and you? This is Nicolas Sarkozy speaking, how are you?

P: Oh, it's so good to hear you. Thank you for calling us.

A: Oh, it's a pleasure.

P: Thank you sir, we have such great respect for you, John McCain and I. We love you and thank you for taking a few minutes to talk to me.

A: I follow your campaigns closely with my special American adviser Johnny Hallyday, you know?

P: Yes, good. Obviously clueless about Hallyday, who is actually a French actor / singer.

A: Excellent. Are you confident?

P: Very confident and we're thankful that polls are showing that the race is tightening and...

A: Well I know very well that the campaign can be exhausting. How do you feel right now, my dear?

P: I feel so good. I feel like we're in a marathon and at the very end of the marathon you get your second wind and you plow to the finish.

A: You see, I got elected in France because I'm real and you seem to be someone who's real, as well.

P: Yes, yeah. Nico, we so appreciate this opportunity.

A: You know I see you as a president one day, too.

P: Maybe in eight years.

A: Well, I hope for you. You know, we have a lot in common because personally one of my favorite activities is to hunt, too.

P: Oh, very good. We should go hunting together.

A: Exactly, we could try go hunting by helicopter like you did. I never did that. Like we say in French, on pourrait tuer des bebe phoques, aussi (that means, approx., could kill baby seals, also)

P: Well, I think we could have a lot of fun together while we're getting work done. We can kill two birds with one stone that way.

A: I just love killing those animals. Mmm, mmm, take away life, that is so fun. I'd really love to go, so long as we don't bring along Vice-President Cheney. (That comment about taking away life should have been a big clue).

P: No, I'll be a careful shot, yes.

A: Yes, you know we have a lot in common also, because except from my house I can see Belgium. That's kind of less interesting than you.

P: Well, see, we're right next door to different countries that we all need to be working with, yes.

A: Some people said in the last days and I thought that was mean that you weren't experienced enough in foreign relations and you know that's completely false. That's the thing that I said to my great friend, the prime minister of Canada Stef Carse.

P: Well, he's doing fine, too, and yeah, when you come into a position underestimated it gives you an opportunity to prove the pundits and the critics wrong. You work that much harder.

A: I was wondering because you are so next to him, one of my good friends, the prime minister of Quebec, Mr. Richard Z. Sirois, have you met him recently? Did he come to one of your rallies? (Besides the fact Sirois is a Canadian comedian, there is a Canadian, not Quebec PM)

P: I haven't seen him at one of the rallies but it's been great working with the Canadian officials. I know as governor we have a great co-operative effort there as we work on all of our resource-development projects. You know, I look forward to working with you and getting to meet you personally and your beautiful wife. Oh my goodness, you've added a lot of energy to your country with that beautiful family of yours.

A: Thank you very much. You know my wife Carla would love to meet you, even though you know she was a bit jealous that I was supposed to speak to you today.

P: Well, give her a big hug for me.

A: You know my wife is a popular singer and a former top model and she's so hot in bed. She even wrote a song for you. (Like Sarkozy would tell Palin how hot his wife is).

P: Oh my goodness, I didn't know that.

A: Yes, in French it's called de rouge a levre sur un cochon, or if you prefer in English, Joe the Plumber...it's his life, Joe the Plumber. (In English it actually means lipstick on a pig.)

P: Maybe she understands some of the unfair criticism but I bet you she is such a hard worker, too, and she realizes you just plow through that criticism.

A: I just want to be sure. That phenomenon Joe the Plumber. That's not your husband, right?

P: That's not my husband but he's a normal American who just works hard and doesn't want government to take his money. (Except that Joe the Plumber would do better under Obama's plan than under McCain's plan. Oh, and let's not forget his unpaid taxes.)

A: Yes, yes, I understand we have the equivalent of Joe the Plumber in France. It's called Marcel, the guy with bread under his armpit. (Oh, come on, she didn't catch on yet?)

P: Right, that's what it's all about, the middle class and government needing to work for them. You're a very good example for us here.

A: I see a bit about NBC, even Fox News wasn't an ally as much as usual.

P: Yeah, that's what we're up against.

A: Gov. Palin, I love the documentary they made on your life. You know Hustler's Nailin' Palin?

P: Ohh, good, thank you, yes. (Clearly missed that one.)

A: That was really edgy.

P: Well, good.

A: I really loved you and I must say something also, governor, you've been pranked by the Masked Avengers. We are two comedians from Montreal.

P: Ohhh, have we been pranked? And what radio station is this?

A: CKOI in Montreal.

P: In Montreal? Tell me the radio station call letters.

A: CK...hello?

Related:

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as Foreign Policy Experience

BREAKING: John McCain Picks Embattled Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin For VP

Video of the Day: Star Wars Trumpet Solo

Transcript via SNAFU-ed.

The Funniest Craigslist Personal Ever?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 19:49:00 GMT

This had better be a fake, dude...

From the Toronto Craigslist's m4w section comes the personal ad of the century. This guy must've received hundreds of responses-- yeah, from guys playing a joke on him...

Check out his ad, titled

"INTELLIGENT, cultured, 22y/o wm seeking Asian women (pref. Nihonese)"

(really, no need to read further, especially after he capitalizes "intelligent.")

Hello ladies of the internet! [Translation: Hello Nerve readers making fun of me!]
I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I've come to realise exactly what I'm looking for in my ideal woman.

Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the 'even. (Honestly, we had no idea people refer to nighttime hours as "the 'even.") As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).

Really, that whole last sentence is redundant-- we figured out hours ago you were an "avid gamer," probably somewhere around the word "Asian" in your headline.

You MUST fulfill the following requirements:
- Asian
- Woman
- Aged NO MORE THAN 23
- - and NO LESS THAN 16
- Petite build. Ideally no more than 115 lbs.
- - but no 'Paris Hilton' bulimics please! I like my women with some meat on them. [Trying... not to die... laughing...]
- Like sushi, animé, and video games.

BONUSES include:
- Japanese heritage [As if you weren't picky enough already, guy]
- Large collection of animé and manga [...reducing the list of available women who meet these guidelines to zero]
- Glasses [sort of factored in if you're into manga and video games]
- Interest in cosplay and roleplaying [why do we get the feeling his idea of roleplaying is different from ours?]
- Traditional Ladies' education [What, like Miss Porter's School For Girls?!]

Let us reiterate: this has to be a fake. If it's not, whoever whipped it up is sharper than any writer for Saturday Night Live, especially for their brilliant inclusion of the following photo with the ad:

I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. Not some 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside.

Hey, Pegasus or whatever your name is: if you're out there, let us know how it's going... in the non-computer generated world, of course...

Via Craigslist.

This Week In Gayness: Baton Twirlers Busted For "I Kissed A Girl"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 14:32:00 GMT

Only 30-something percent of California voters are supporting the proposal to ban gay marriage there, but that doesn't stop the measure's wacky supporters from saying "elites" are denying the will of "the people."

Libertarian Presidential candidate Bob Barr is such a nice, well-rounded individual, he won't let anyone use the words "gay" or "lesbian" on his website. Even in a positive manner.

We used to think Canada was the sane, folksy antidote to our crazy U.S. culture, but not after this guy burst onto the national scene there:

David Popescu is running in the 2008 elections as an independent candidate as part of Canada's federal election. Popescu is well known for his radical christian point of view, and his strong opposition to homosexuality, abortion, and stem cell research.
"A young man asked me what I think of homosexual marriages and I said I think homosexuals should be executed," he said. "My whole reason for running is the Bible and the Bible couldn't be more clear on that point." (Toronto Sun)

Bigotry reigns in... Texas. A group of high school cheerleaders were suspended for a routine that include Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl." Lawsuit, anyone? (The school, of course, declined to define its pep-rally-song standards for anyone, even after this national news story.)

A transgender politician in Georgia, accused of fraud and deception in a lawsuit for running as a woman, won that lawsuit... but lost the re-election match anyway.

The lesbian mommas case heads to the Montana Supreme Court.

And the Mad Men of Madison are finally producing television ads geared for gays and lesbians, although don't expect an episode about it on the AMC series anytime soon.

Related:

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San Francisco Street Fair Would Make The Marquis de Sade Proud

This Week In Gayness: Gay Leader Assassinated

This Week In Gayness: Discriminated By McDonald's

Gay Community Attacks McCain By Outing His Chief Of Staff

Dolly Parton for Vice President!

While You Were Sleeping: Mark Foley's Replacement's Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:08:00 GMT

A homeless man in Florida was arrested for sleeping nude on the steps of a City Hall. Insult to injury: he was given $150 in bail which, obviously, he probably can't even pay.

Farm Aid 2008 is playing in a loop here. (The lineup: Neil Young, John Mellencamp, Willie Nelson, Dave Matthews, Kenny Chesney, Arlo Guthrie, Jerry Lee Lewis, The Pretenders, Jakob Dylan, and much more.)

How much would you pay for a date with this porn star?

This knife violence on Greyhounds in Canada fad? It shows no signs of stopping.

Dane Cook is the gift (of unintentional comedy) that keeps on giving. (A friend responds that we should start a letter writing campaign demanding Newswatch apologize for calling Cook a "funnyman.")

Disclaimer: the following story is only somewhat new and was ignored by almost every reputable media outlet. That being said, maybe there's something to it: Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney, who replaced Mark Foley in Congress, is caught up in a scandal of his own... and, some conservatives say, a sex scandal to boot:

The Post reported that the house Mahoney lists as his primary residence and the address he uses on his voter registration card are not the same. The address on his voter I.D. is listed as a barn inside the district, the address he claims as his primary residence is outside the district. This is unusual in that it doesn’t look good to his constituents that he doesn’t live in the district he represents. However, it is apparently legal.

So... where's the sex?

The discrepancies in where Mahoney claims his primary residence and the address listed on his voter I.D. card (a barn) are supposedly due to the fact that Mahoney and his wife no longer share the same address.

Apparently, Tim Mahoney, through one of his consultants, has paid a former staffer, Trish Allen, $250,000 in hush money to keep a sexual harassment lawsuit brought by Mrs. Allen against Congressman Mahoney from the public view. [via]

Hey... Wanna Make Out? With A Thousand People?

The Josh Hartnett Sex Tape: At Least It Won't Be In Night Vision

Neil Young Announces Quite Possibly Greatest Concert Ever

While You Were Sleeping: Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:09:00 GMT

Jude Law's new girlfriend is posing nude for the upcoming edition of Playboy in France.

If this guy keeps winning elections, maybe there isn't any reason to vote.

A conservative Canadian mayor is finding out that just because those nude photos of her made headlines over five years ago, people are still going to bring them up when she runs for higher office. Uncensored photo below:

A man in Monticello, New York is in jail after asking a random thirteen-year-old girl if she would mind posing nude for his camera phone. The reason we're pointing this story out is this: he was apprehended after a bunch of passerby, who heard him propose the same setup to a (legal) woman, became an angry mob and chased him into someone's house.

Perhaps you've heard of them, but we haven't: several English celebrities are posing nude for charity.

Hear about that attorney who had his client pay off part of her debt by doing stripteases? Surprise-- he was a cheapskate.

Speaking of quid pro quo arrangements: a staff member of a Utah high school plead to a reduced charge in his beer-for-nude-photos-of-the-boys-who-wanted-beer scandal.

Detroit's City Council President is now the city's new Mayor, following his predecessor's sex scandal, jail sentence, and eventual resignation.

Megan Fox's Lesbian (Stripper) Love

Michael Phelps Celebrates Gold Medal Wins By Groping Strippers

Today in WTF: Female Stripper Charged With Raping Customer

Top 5 Sex Scenes From "Chick Flicks"

The Top 5 Hottest Female Politicians

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 20:06:00 GMT

Ever see those obnoxious ads in your Gmail for inside info about Bill Clinton and the above woman?

Maxim just released its list of the Top 10 Hottest (Female) Politicians, which is missing a few that we thought of off the top of our heads...

5. Kirsten Gillibrand, Congresswoman From New York State

4. Cristina Ferndez de Kirchner, President of Argentina (All right, yes, we only included her because of this picture...)

3. Yulia Tymoshenko, Prime Minister of Ukraine

2. Freya van den Bossche, former Deputy Prime Minister of Belgium

1. Belinda Stronach, Member of Canada's Parliament

Here's Maxim's list, which admittedly has a few ladies we wish we could use... for our purposes here, that is...

Related:

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Carla Bruni Sings Of Sex With 30 Men

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Women Get Away With Affairs Because of Their Expert Lying, Says Woman Who Got Away With An Affair With Future British Prime Minister

Groove Is in the Heart, the Grocery Store, the Ontario Science Center...

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 16:02:00 GMT

This guy looooves to get down in unexpected places. He brings his moves to Fortino's grocery store in Hamilton, Ontario and people are, well, unfazed. But lack of public support cannot stop the muse of dance. The dancing man is actually a guy named Mike who at the time of this interview had uploaded on Youtube a video of himself dancing a day for 329 days, and on May 5, 2008 had successfully uploaded a dance a day for an entire year.

His last dance, Joy Division's "Digital," in the park and embeded below.