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Take Him to Detroit: America's 11 Most Depressing Places

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:46:00 GMT

This really ain't Michigan's week, is it? First, some dumbass ex-Mayor was arrested for having an extramarital affair in the middle of the street. Then, we made a mean joke about the Detroit Free Press and it's sex advice column, complete with a newspaper headline that says, "Detroit Blows." Now, comes word that Business Insider is further driving down the state's property values by including two MI cities on its list of the most depressing places in America.

Cheer up and enjoy this sprightly little list...

11. Stockton, CA. Stockton actually topped the recent Forbes list of the 10 worst places to live in the country, which is somehow different than "depressing." At that time, we commented: "The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here." It turns out that they Mayor has the town in an uproar for trying to unload his condo/apartment with a short sale.

10. Flint, MI. Business Insider calls Michael Moore's favorite city "an impoverished, depressing dump." In the 20 years since Roger & Me, no one claims the city has improved its quality of life, so we're going to have to assume BI is right to include it here.

9. Wichita, KS. Apparently, the only city with worse dating opportunities for young people is Kansas City, Missouri. And even though one of the scariest serial murderers in history, the BTK Killer, has been brought to justice, a cloud of dread hangs over the city like so many horrific tornadoes of the past... or something.

8. Alpharetta, GA. What the hell is Alpharetta, GA? "Alpharetta, a suburb of Atlanta, is the bank-failure capital of the U.S. Three banks based in Alpharetta--NetBank, Integrity Bancshares and Alpha Bank & Trust--failed in just 13 months. That's more than any other single town in America." Oh, that Alpharetta, GA....

7. West Palm Beach, FL. Business Week claims there really isn't a terrible place to live in Florida, while we insist all of Florida is terrible. If you want to live somewhere warm, move to a tropical island-- most people in FL just end up the source of hilarious news for the rest of the country. Speaking of hilarious, check out this bizarro ad for a company called Condo Vultures Realty. It's apparently real.

6. Kokomo, IN is not the place The Beach Boys told you-- not by any means. It has a staggering 20% unemployment rate (wonder how much that rises when you factor in the "real unemployment rate" in this country, which is somewhere around 15% now) and is likely to go down with the Titanic that is the nation's auto industry. If you ever needed a reason to move to Indiana... well, you won't find it here.

5. Mahoning Valley, OH. Really, this one's all about Youngstown-- formerly a great steel and mining community, Youngstown is now almost as violent as New Orleans or Brooklyn when the subway stops running. Check this out: "Car bombings were so frequent that they became known as 'a Youngstown tuneup.'" Can an HBO series be far off?

4. Yuma, AZ. Sporting highs in the 60's and 70's all winter long, it's no wonder many Arizonians have winter homes there. Somehow this hasn't translated into year-round employment for the sleepy town, which has jobless numbers rivaling (and often topping) a little place called Kokomo. You wouldn't know it from the Wikipedia page, but Business Week claims this is the unemployment capital of the country. Ouch.

3. East St. Louis, IL. Jesus Christ, who the hell actually lives in East St. Louis these days? GET OUT.

2. Inland Empire, CA. David Lynch's favorite place on earth-- need you hear anymore? It's also responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- or, should we say, dumbassery is what's responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- as they bought up a real estate company in the area shortly before the whole area's value dropped by an unfathomable 60%.

And #1... you knew it was coming, my Detroit friends, so let's get on with it:

1. Detroit, MI. Why is Detroit in such dire straits? Sure, the auto industry is all shot to hell these days (and probably permanently)-- but is that enough to make this the most depressing place in America? No, this figure is: "The average home price in Detroit is just $7,500 because no one wants to live there. The continuing catastrophe that is the US auto industry has reduced this onetime industrial behemoth to a nearly perfect picture of decrepitude. Last year when the murder rate dropped in the city, the mayor joked that the reason was that 'there is no one left to kill.'" The only thing wrong with this quote is the word "joked"-- everyone nodded knowingly when he said it. Then he went to jail for perjury... and it wasn't even big news because... no one cares about Detroit. Sorry, kids.

Via Business Insider.

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Masturbate-A-Thon 2009 Champion One Horny Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:14:00 GMT

Did any of our Bay Area readers attend the 2009 Masturbate-A-Thon last week? We would've been there, but we were too busy getting laid-- ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.

Seriously, some guy named Masanobu Sato shattered his previous record for longest solo jerk at the annual event, with a cringe-inducing total of...

9 hours and 58 minutes. Dude, what, nine hours was fine, but you couldn't handle moving into the double digits? Sato spoke with San Francisco Weekly to explain just how the hell someone has a ten hour boner without 100mg's of Viagra...

The Snitch: What was the secret to you going for nearly 10 hours?

Sato: "My abundant imagination was a key to my triumph firstly. Secondly, I trained a lot in Japan from the time I won the 1st prize last year. I swam twice a week, and gained about 5 kgs in muscle.That helped me a lot, too in terms of stamina. Thirdly, the variety of sensations each TENGA gave me was ideal for long masturbation. Without those variety sensations, my dick would feel the same sensation for a long time, which would paralyze my dick in the end. I use as many as 10 different TENGAs so that my dick avoids being paralyzed."

There you have it gents-- the reason you're only able to last 30 seconds, even when picturing members of The View in your head, is because you're not working out enough.

Was there any point you felt you couldn't go on? How did you get through those moments?

"Yes. Twice I felt I couldn't go on. I took great advantage of Japanese pornos as I prepared. Also I imagined many supporters in Japan including my girlfriend, family, co-workers etc...that I can't let them down."

Were you exhausted afterward?

"Definitely. I was so exhausted that I couldn't get up on time next day when I was supposed to go to airport to go back to Japan. Luckily, I didn't miss the flight though."

Did you ever have an orgasm?"Yes. I've come once in a halfway round. I continued masturbating without taking any rest or becoming flaccid then."

By the way, TENGAs are a sex toy shop that's being promoted by the champion wanksta... in case you can't read his shirt.

Sato goes on to mention a World Championship this month in Copenhagen (road trip!) and ends with these unforgettable words:

I'm very happy that my family understands me well. Ordinary families in Japan don't do so. I wonder how US families are like....

Are you kidding me? Every Mom and Dad in America thinks their unmarried children are all virgins who don't even know what masturbation means...

Read the rest of the interview and see photos from the event here.

Celebrate National Masturbation Month with the Masturbate-a-Thon

While You Were Sleeping: Sexually Incriminating Information

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:17:00 GMT

Now you know why we voted for him (at least in part): Obama is redirecting all of the abstinence-only money, some $138 million, to the actually-effective methods of sex ed.

Agree with almost every word of this list of the thirteen people/things that ruined it for everyone else, although Jersey could only have been helped by a show as great as the Sopranos.

Fleshbot makes a case for those Rihanna photos-- the ones her people are so upset about-- being fakes.

Susan Boyle did Oprah-- is she ever going to sing another song or just wave to photographers and do sparse interviews? She also turned down a makeover.

An Iraqi journalist who isn't exactly on board with the Palin campaign met with the Governor yesterday and said only that her voice was "annoying in person."

The adorable fawn and bobcat seen above are best buds after being rescued from the Santa Barbara wildfire. Ellen Degeneres and others are raising money for the animal rescue efforts, which are already overwhelmed with the number of cases.

Figleaf's Real Adult Sex has some good advice for those-- including, possibly, Rihanna-- who were the victims of someone "posting 'sexually incriminating' information against their will."

And Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who is apparently outed with a slew of evidence in a new film released over the weekend, announced he will run for Senate.

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While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape For Sale

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 15:20:00 GMT

We were beginning to think he might actually get away with it: Drew Peterson was arrested yesterday and charged with the murder of his third wife.

John Mayer is playing a series of intimate concerts, featuring only his new material, for his staff.

Gotta love this guy: A bar owner lit up a cigarette at the Ohio health department as a protest over the bar smoking ban. Of course, to top it off, he threatened to have the department fined for allowing him to smoke.

Next on the block for porn parodies: 30 Rock!

Memo to hideous-looking billionaire divorcing Stephanie Seymour: it's all uphill from here.

Believe it or not, kids, pictured above is the cast of The Goonies. And yes, Chunk is the little bald man in back-- at least, that's what everyone says.

Rich Berliners complained about a local brothel, so judges "expected" it and found it to be "discreet." We're not making this up.

Kiefer Sutherland's California probation could be revoked because of his misdemeanor arrest in New York.

Dude, you were making a lot of money off of the Body World thing-- why did you have to go and show two dead people having sex?

And an ex-boyfriend of Deanna Hummel, the woman alleged to have had an affair with Jon Gosselin from the reality show we'd never heard of and think is desperate for some publicity, has released a sex tape of a woman he claims is Hummel. (Very NSFW link here.) At this point, we're guessing there was no affair and, even if there was, this sex tape looks fake.

While You Were Sleeping: Mad Men Getting Fired Up

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 13:53:00 GMT

Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering decriminalizing marijuana altogether in California, possibly for budgetary reasons.

One of my celebrity crushes, Bebe Neuwirth, is now married.

Dumber-than-that-Carolina-contestant Miss California is in danger of losing her crown... or so they say.

Mad Men is back in production, with I Shot Andy Warhol's Jared Harris joining the cast for next season.

Gisele Bundchen may be pregnant.

We hate to admit it, but we can't get enough of the President and Vice President doing silly shit like driving to Virginia to eat at a hamburger place with the word "Hell" in its name.

Up until last night, we were in New Orleans, where this man is suing the police for one dollar over his right to wear a skirt in public.

Another reason for 50 Cent to goof on him: Rick Ross keeps his sunglasses on during sex.

And Jennifer Hudson and Rihanna both canceled shows.

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Sloppy Seconds: Free Boobs!

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 23:36:00 GMT

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has a penchant for pretty women (what politician doesn't?). And it's a source of "suffering" for his wife, Veronica Lario, she wrote in an open letter. [Yahoo!]

Simon Cowell joked that he's "secretly in love" with fellow American Idol judge Paula Abdul. And we wouldn't be all that surprised if he jerked off to the "Cold Hearted Snake" video back in the day... or if he still does. [Us]

After her double mastectomy, breast cancer survivor Christina Applegate says she still feels sexy, especially because her boyfriend, Dutch bass player Martyn Lenoble loves her "from head to toe." [People]

Is there no more bromance in the world? Chace Crawford is apparently looking to move out of the pad he shares with Gossip Girl co-star Ed Westwick. [PageSix]

Everyone can stop worrying about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. They're taking the necessary precautions to prevent catching swine flu (the swine flu?) while on their honeymoon in Mexico. Whew. We know we'll sleep better tonight knowing they're okay. [MTV]

Did California pageant officials buy homophobic Miss California, Carrie Prejean, new breasts? And if so, how do we get some? [Defamer]

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

Girls, Girls, Girls: World's Greatest Strip Club Reopens, Is Hiring Hundreds of Broads

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:15:00 GMT

The Body Shop in West Hollywood, California, is the world's top strip club, hands down. It's not about class or style or even decent drink prices. It's about history.

All those historic touchstones were burned away thanks to an electrical fire in 2008, but that hasn't ended owner Salah Almudarris' dream of dominating the entire state's strip club market...

Almudarris reopened his club on Thursday with a reduced staff-- and he claims to be seeking up to 500 strippers (!) to add to his roster. My God, where does he fit them all? With approximately 50 girls dancing a night, each making between several hundred and $1,000, the Body Shop is small but important part of the local economy-- after all, the club doesn't have a liquor license, so customers are encouraged to frequent area bars before stepping inside.

Two key facts before we get to the historic photos: 1) The club was immortalized in that "classic" Motley Crue song Girls, Girls, Girls and 2) Megan Fox fell in love with a stripper here, as reported by every major media outlet last year, including Scanner.

What the...? Dirty old gnome, get your own partially-nude woman...

Via SFGate (right-click to open in new tab/window.)

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While You Were Sleeping: Facebook vs. Lesbians

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:06:00 GMT

Don't forget to right-click the links to open them in a new window...

The latest victim of Fox is Pedro Almodovar?

It's almost impossible to get a perfect score on the SAT-- how impossible would it be to get perfect scores on the PSAT, ACT, and SATs?

We wonder why this worm sign fail isn't as common in Louisiana. And, by the way, we had a great first weekend of Jazz Fest.

David Letterman wants to see Lauren Conrad's rumored/long-awaited sex tape.

That meanie Miss California is now a folk hero among ignorant religious bigots.

The latest worldwide fad: that fun-lovin' swine flu thing.

90% of teenagers have cell phones these days, effectively making the previous generation the last one to prefer the physical presence of their friends.

Madonna is the hardest workin' mama in the biz.

Does Facebook have something against lesbians?

The TV couple you hate the most were legally married on Saturday in Pasadena.

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

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The PETA Empire Strikes Back

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:53:00 GMT

After a huge wave of justified negative press raked PETA over the coals last month, the activist organization has launched an all-out campaign blitch to redirect the attention to animal rights.

The People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals, it was confirmed, is guilty of euthanizing 90% of the animals in its care every year. Ingrid Newkirk's group (of mostly white American women in their early 20s) struck back this week with Audrina Partridge, Mike Ness of Social Distortion, and a wave of nudity worldwide...

In Kansas City, Missouri, two girls dressed as cave people and wielded fake human bones to tell pedestrians and passing drivers that fur is for cave people. That annoying asshole from the Geico commercials had no comment. In a Maryland suburb, two bikini girls were photographed cavorted in a tub full of some sort of red vat, parked across from a McDonald's. In England on Sunday, four girls stripped naked and climbed into a skimpy blue makeshift shower to protest (their belief) that eating one pound of meat is as damaging to the environment as six months of showering.

Following that, the group announced punk rocker Mike Ness had joined the movement and Audrina Partridge posed for a magazine ad in far more clothing than she might wear to a memorial service.

Via KC Blog. [Please right-click and set to open in a new tab/window.]

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Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 18:10:00 GMT

All week, Real Housewives of Orange County star Gretchen Rossi has been at war with offensive website/blog The Dirty over photos the webmaster has been plastering his pages with. The questionable pics include two of Rossi on the toilet and another of her flashing an unnamed photographer, who happened to be operating a motor vehicle at that moment.

Rossi decided free speech has its limits and called in the sheriff...

Here's what The Dirty posted a few hours after that last photo went up:

**Update: Gretchen Rossi has called the Costa Mexico Police Department on me. The best part is that she lied to the Costa Mexico PD stating that someone stole her camera (again). Gretchen, Tune In Tokyo- it’s not your camera.- nik

Of course, it wasn't just the photos that pissed Rossi off to the point of police intervention. It may have had something to do with this:

THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, it seems like Gretchen Rossi has a history of ripping off “older men”. Apparently, she has been named in a law suit where she took advantage of an “older man” in a real-estate transaction, that happened 3-4 years ago. Is this true? Sounds like the same thing that her ex’s family is saying as well, “she is a complete fake and preys on the older guys…..” The story continues with her, the truth will come out!

Can someone email me Michelle’s phone number, Jeff’s ex-wife. I need answers, the DIRTY ARMY needs the truth.- nik

She's probably upset, the Dirty suggests, because the topless photo was taken by one of her many rumored lovers... although, of course, the website offers no conclusive proof.

Via TMZ.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:25:00 GMT

A 27-year-old woman is upset that a 63-year-old man has threatened to post nude photos of her on the internet.

Mia Farrow plans to go on a hunger strike to raise awareness of the crisis in Darfur.

This Wal-Mart employee may be the dumbest person alive: he stole a whole bunch of merchandise from the store, then advertised the items as "for sale" on the break room bulletin board.

A Supreme Court ruling from yesterday means police officers may not be able to search your car without a warrant.

A 19-year-old in Australia faces up to 14 years in prison for having an abortion. Of course, it's more complicated than that...

Researchers may have discovered that lice can prevent asthma.

This video proves there is such a thing as too much money in a political campaign.

This genius is in college, double majoring, and maintaining a 3.83 GPA. And he's 12.

And Miss California claims she knew as soon as she answered that gay marriage question that she would lose the competition.

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Joss Stone Had An Ass Slip At Coachella

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:08:00 GMT

Joss Stone, the 22-year-old British soul singer, was added to the lineup of the Coachella just four days prior to her Saturday afternoon performance.

Perhaps she's now regretting not having had enough time to pick out an appropriate outfit for an outdoor peformance on an elevated stage...

This is why it's important to have security turn around once in a while and see what's going on onstage, if only for the performer's sake. As you can see, this is becoming a problem...

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Fired Cheerleading Coach Receiving Support From Unlikely Source

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:27:00 GMT

More than a quarter of a million people read our story last week about Carlie Christine, also known as Carlie Beck, a cheerleading coach who ruined the lives of so many young innocents by posing for Playboy and then having the damn gall to get busted for it.

Carlie, as you may recall, was fired from her gig at Casa Roble High School after vindictive parents ratted her out-- they were upset that their daughters had skipped school and, therefore, had been kicked off the squad, so they decided to punish the one responsible for following the rules. But the story may not be over yet-- while a lawsuit isn't looking too strong, thanks to that pesky "no going out and doing Playboy behind our backs" clause in the contract she signed, Carlie may not be going gently into that good night... of teaching, that is...

Various local news sources in the Sacramento area, including the Bee and First Coast News, covered a protest lead by some of the students at Carlie's former place of employment. Strangely enough, the members of this angry mob are all female. And cheerleaders, perhaps:

Carrying signs and chanting, "We want Carlie back!" We want Carlie back," five freshmen protested after classes let out at Orangevale's Casa Roble High School.
The girls who made the cheerleading squad said they support former cheerleading coach Carlie Beck.
Cheerleader Maisie Tyree said Beck "was nothing but nice to every single girl. She was nice to the girl that couldn't try out and it was totally wrong what her parents did. It was the only card they could pull."

Catie Cullen agreed. "(Beck) wasn't the one who told us about the photos. She was a role model for us. She was an amazing coach," Cullen said.
The girls said they didn't see anything wrong with Beck's pictures. They also said they had their parents' permission to demonstrate after school.

But Heather Giniella, the parent who told administrators about Beck, said she was outraged when she learned about Beck's pictures. Her daughter was barred from cheerleading tryouts.

"This is something that I would have brought to the attention principal whether (my daughter) was on the team or not," Giniella said.

Beck told school officials about her modeling. She said the situation has been difficult of her.

"I really learned to love these girls as well as their parents. I definitely appreciate all the support I've been shown,' Beck said. [First Coast News]

Of course, parents interviewed for other stories agreed with the firing, even though, as it turns out, Carlie posed for Playboy before taking the teaching job. Unfortunately, though, it doesn't sound like the administrators are going to take her back. Perhaps the students can reenact the ending of Dead Poets Society, with an extra cheer involved, when their favorite mentor comes to pick up last paycheck...

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Cheerleading Coach In Hottest Nude Photo Scandal Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 19:20:00 GMT

Channel 13 in Sacramento claims to have been "up all night" (you'll believe it when you see the photos) working on the story of Carlie Christine, a cheerleading coach at Casa Robles High School, who was outed as a Playboy and internet porn pinup yesterday after she got on the bad side of a bunch of bitchy wannabe cheerleaders.

But unlike everyone else foaming at the mouth over this amusing tale of moonlighting gone wrong, we have the photographic evidence to prove it really happened...

Christine, it turns out, used her real name (or at least the same name she teaches under) in posing for Playboy, which made it a cinch that the entire football team would eventually stumble across the snaps, which it did. But it was when an undetermined number of girls were kicked off the cheerleading squad for skipping school their awful parents leaked the online photos to shocked school officials.

According to the local media, Christine has been fired from her coaching job, although we'd be surprised if she doesn't quickly make ten times the money modeling. We found something CBS missed: Carlie Christine's modeling website.

I am shorter in stature but photograph very proportionate and I stay thin and toned.
I currently have shoulder-length natural brown hair and intend on keeping it the same from now on.
I do have four small tattoos that I cover with makeup or have airbrushed out for photos unless they are wanted for the shoot.

More of her nude photos, including full frontal images, can be seen here.

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PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:26:00 GMT

Back in February, we advised you to vote for PETA's Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door 2009. There were loads of hot men and women in the running, many of them pictured in their underwear with bulges or major cleavage-- but thankfully, never both.

The ~~People Eating Tasty Animals~~ People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals have finally announced the winners and they're not who we expected...

As you may recall, we nominated the following gals: Alexia from New York City; Amy from Port Angeles, WA; Brooke from Ogden, UT; Giselle from Miami, FL; and Sunny from North Hollywood, CA.

Sadly, our advice was ignored and the winner is...

There's nothing wrong with Amber-- nothing wrong, that is, unless you're disappointed that PETA, supposedly secretly a feminist hive, prefers blondes. How original. (Okay, really, we were just rooting for Sunny to take the top prize...)

Amber, a [Minnetonka] Minnesota native, decided to go vegetarian after reading the book Skinny Bitch and doing research on making the switch, and she's thrilled with the results! In addition to feeling stronger both mentally and physically, she loves knowing that her carbon footprint is smaller, thanks to her vegetarian diet. Amber is the very proud guardian of several rescued animal companions, and she spends time volunteering for the Minnesota Boxer Rescue. She even lets her love for animals carry over into her work as a photographer. Check out the cute companion animal gallery on her Web site to see for yourself! Amber's major turn-ons are confidence, bad boys who have a heart for animals, tattoos, and creativity.

By the way, the winner for the Sexiest Male Vegetarian Next Door is... Monty.

Monty, 33, [of Los Angeles, CA] initially switched to a vegetarian diet for health reasons, but after he learned how factory farming affects animals and the environment, his convictions were reinforced, and he recently went vegan! Monty owns a visual-arts firm, and his photos capture the essence of a wide variety of timely issues, including President Barack Obama's presidential campaign. Monty shares his home with Zeus, a Chihuahua he took in after he found him wandering on Hollywood Boulevard. Monty considers analytical minds and compassionate hearts to be turn-ons and is turned off by people who aren't open-minded. He loves to travel and will soon retrace the steps of the man who discovered the North Pole.

Both win separate trips for two to Hawaii. One has to wonder what all the Hawaiians in the running were in it for...

Via PETA.

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Sloppy Seconds: Portia de Rossi Apologizes for Getting Gay Married

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A court in Los Angeles has issued a restraining order against a man who is apparently obsessed with "Dancing With the Stars" contestant and former Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson after he tried to break into the set of the show. [NYT]

Newly-single Madonna plans to adopt another Malawian child. [Us]

Nicole Kidman has joined the cast of the new Woody Allen film. [Yahoo!]

Yet another magazine has folded. This time it's the music mag Blender. [AdAge]

Portia de Rossi has publicly apologized for her gay marriage. On the Jimmy Kimmel show, of course. [The Remote Island]

[Image]

The Gays Won't Save the Economy Either

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 19:11:00 GMT

Gay couples don't all live in fabulous bungalows in California, spacious lofts in Chelsea or cozy one-bedrooms in Park Slope. Still, many of us, when we imagine the lifestyles of same-sex coupes—especially those who don't have children—think about all of that disposable income they must have. This dear readers, is the "gay affluence myth."

While it is true that many gay couples in major metropolitan areas are more well off than their straight counterparts, a new study reports that same-sex families, as a rule are poorer.

From the study:

-One in five children living in a same-sex household is poor compared to one in 10 for children in opposite-sex married families.

-Nationally, 24 percent of lesbians and bisexual women are poor compared to 19 percent of heterosexual women.

-15 percent of gay and bisexual men nationally are poor compared to 13 percent of heterosexual men.

The study's authors theorized that gays and lesbians might be more vulnerable to poverty because of discrimination (employment, insurance and other rights and benefits).

[The Desert Sun: Study: Gay families are poorer]

Related:

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eBay Removes Kerry Katona's Breast Implant

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 17:04:00 GMT

Kerry Katona did two things right: one, she went on MTV in the UK and had her 34-double-G's removed. Those fake boobs were ridiculous and very unattractive (to our minds.)

The second thing she did was even more inspired-- she autographed one of those implants and put it on eBay for The Breast Cancer Campaign...

According to Fox News, which we will quote from here so you don't have to give them any of your page views, eBay then did the dumbest thing imaginable: it pulled the auction.

"The implant was on eBay and I believe the idea was to raise money for Breast Cancer Campaign," a rep for the charity told Tarts. "However eBay have now taken the item off because people were putting fake bids in, £8 million ($11.34 million US) at one point."

But according to eBay it wasn’t bogus bidders that resulted in the item being removed, it was actually Katona who broke the rules.

"Our policy team weighed in and said that this auction was removed for the Charity Violation contained within the item description as there was no letter of written consent by eBay's Office of the President to allow the item to be sold under our Charity guidelines," an eBay rep told Tarts.

Oh, shut up, eBay. You're just a bunch of conservative whimps that always side with the ripoff artists when they claim to have never received expensive items from honest sellers. And your conservative founder is running to further ruin the state of California as a Republican governor. eBay, you should know, we have negative feedback to give you.

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Caption This: Christina Ricci Looks Up to Her Man

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 15:41:00 GMT

Christina Ricci and her super-tall new fiancé Owen Benjamin stroll through Studio City, CA yesterday.

[Image]

This Week In Gayness: America vs. Fred Phelps

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Is the fact that many voters know Gavin Newsom as the Mayor who married the gays more likely to help or hurt him with California voters? A former Governor and the current Mayor of Los Angeles both lead the Mayor of San Francisco in early polling.

Equality California and Marriage For All, which works on bringing minorities around to the left's view of the discussion, are working behind the scenes to reinforce any ruling in favor of gay marriage in the state. And, of course, they'll continue to work on equal rights regardless of the outcome.

Meanwhile, the whole Prop 8 nightmare continues:

Justices on the high court appear hesitant to overturn Proposition 8, while also reluctant to invalidate same-sex marriages performed before it passed, legal observers agreed Friday.
The California Supreme Court could decide that there are two kinds of same-sex couples: those who can't get married, and those who already did.

A ruling that upholds both voters' November decision to ban gay marriage and the 18,000 same-sex marriages conducted earlier in California could come off as a safe compromise. But it also promises to keep alive an issue that has split the state as few others have. [CBS]

In non-California news, the Million "Fag" March (their words) will hit Gage Park in Topeka, Kansas on May 30th this year. Topeka, as you may know, is the home of fascist favorite Fred Phelps.

A woman has called 9-1-1 over 500 times in less than two years to complain about a gay Seattle disco's noise pollution.

And two gay twins who left their Vermont restaurant jobs after being "sexually harassed" by the owners, who are also gay, were awarded a mere $1,000 apiece for their troubles.

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This Week In Gayness: Sean Penn vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 17:31:00 GMT

Is former New York City Mayor Ed Koch gay? Does anyone even care at this point?

Scariest hate crime suspect of all-time? This guy: "So I killed somebody - that makes me a bad guy?" We're against the death penalty, so let's hope he gets brutally beaten in prison every day for the next fifty years.

Lesbians in Massachusetts are suing the US government because they aren't allowed to check "Married, filing jointly" to save money on their taxes. (See similar post from yesterday.)

The Family Resources Council thinks prosecuting hate crimes is the same as prosecuting people for thought crimes. Yes, because when you drag a lesbian out of her car, rape her repeatedly for being a lesbian, beat her up and leave her for dead, you're only thinking it.

James Dobson is retiring from Focus on the Family. But we won't forget about him.

Our idea of a good time might occasionally involve a gay bar, but never when we're in Galveston, Texas.

All Sean Penn wants is to make Harvey Milk's birthday Harvey Milk Day. It's the least Gov. Ahnuld could do, right?

Meanwhile, California is doing what it can to stop Prop 8. First, the legislature did this. Tomorrow, the state will be in court to do this and hopefully help these people.

The next Mormons versus the gays battle? This time it'll be over civil unions in Illinois.

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Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 01:11:00 GMT

We usually wait until we have a mid-week lull to watch Flight of the Conchords (On Demand, baby!) but we're going to watch it as soon as we're done writing this post just so we can see the "Garfunkeling" in better quality. Also, why is it that Jemaine is the only one ever getting laid? [Jezebel]

A woman who was pulled over for breast-feeding her baby while driving gave a TV interview about it while breast-feeding her baby. She said the baby wasn't willing to wait for the milk at that time (when she was driving, and apparently also when she was giving the interview). Um, okay. [WLFI]

Umm... Skittles are now Twittering. Taste the rainbow? (Is this how Twitter is going to make money?) [TechnologyExpert]

Jennifer Aniston is still talking about her divorce from Brad Pitt. But to be fair, if we were her, we probably would be, too. [Jossip]

Rumor has it Lindsay Lohan's friends are now on Lilo death watch. [FadedYouth]

Recently-out Wanda Sykes has teamed up with a California non-profit to educate the public on equal marriage. [AfterEllen]

Someone Should Really Name This Johnny Cash Week...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 20:41:00 GMT

Two of the most memorable moments in the life of Johnny Cash occurred during the last week of February, one in 1969 and the other in 1932.

Can you guess what they are?

1) Today would've been Cash's 77th birthday. Happy birthday, old soul, wherever you are.

2) On February 24th, 1969, Johnny performed at San Quentin Prison in California, a concert that resulted in his second successful live album in a row and his biggest hit single of all-time, A Boy Named Sue, a novelty song by Shel Silverstein. Inmates were treated to songs by Carl Perkins, the Statler Brothers, the Carter Family, and Johnny, who played with a revolving cast of musicians from those groups, including wife June Carter. He debuted a new song, "San Quentin," which went over so well, he immediately played it again. (Some have speculated that the rapturous reception was "added" to the recording, since the inmates had remained unwilling to support a song attacking the possibly vindictive guards, but then why would Cash play it a second time right away?)

About halfway through the show, Johnny tried out "A Boy Named Sue" on the inmates, who are seen in this video lapping it up, guffawing all the way. Now that's a captive audience.

The song would hit #1 on the country and #2 on the pop charts. Miss you, big guy.

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This Drummer Will Be Your Cabana Boy...If the Price is Right

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 20:08:00 GMT

This is Josh Freese, a session drummer and member of Devo, A Perfect Circle, and the Vandals, and formerly Nine Inch Nails and Guns n' Roses.

As part of the promotion for his new record Since 1972, Josh created a menu of sorts, indicating how much Josh Freese and assorted rock ephemera your money will get you, and the prices go up to $70,000.

Starting with the $50 package, you get a personal phone call from the drummer, where he suggest you can ask such Qs relating to his experiences as "Which one of Sting's mansions has the comfiest beds?"

For $250, you get a bunch of album-related junk and a lunch date with Josh to P.F. Chang's or the Cheesecake Factory.

Five hundo will bring you, among other things, a dinner date at Sizzler. Josh sez: "get your $8.99 Steak and 'all you can eat' Shrimp on"

For $1K, you get drunk with Josh and "cut each other's hair in the parking lot of the Long Beach courthouse (filmed and posted on youtube of course)"

For the limited edition of one $10K package, you get to go for chicken n waffles along with Twiggy from Marilyn Manson, and you get to have Josh's Volvo, to keep, just asks that you drop him off at home first.

The $20K package includes a foot and back massage from Josh (couples welcome, discreet parking available) and any three items from his closet.

And finally, here are my favorite two items from the $75K package: "-Take a limo down to Tijuana and he'll show you how it's done (what that means exactly we can't legally get into here) -If you don't live in Southern California (but are a US resident) he'll come to you and be your personal assistant/cabana boy for 2 weeks"

So apparently, the attention of impoverished musicians can be bought...who knew? (Groupies did.)

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California Introduces Bill to Legalize Marijuana

Colleen Kane — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:36:00 GMT

The tanking economy has to have some positive results, and this could be one of them. California Assemblyman Tom Ammiano held a press conference yesterday to introduce his marijuana legalization bill, which would decriminalize the cultivation, transport and sale of marijuana and paraphernalia to adults over 21, and levy a tax on all sales at $50 an ounce.

But that's okay, stonies, because they're saying legal pot would cost about half of what it costs now.

A representative from the Board of Equalization estimated that $1.3 billion would immediately be raised by the tax, not to mention the money saved by not prosecuting marijuana users and sellers (and money generated by pot tourists).

Judge James P. Gray put it this way: "The stronger we get on marijuana, the softer we get with regard to all other prosecutions because we have only so many resources. And we at this moment, have thousands of people in state prison right this minute who did nothing but smoke marijuana."

Ammiano said he doesn't think this legislation will sail right through, but it has a better chance now that the tax revenue is so desperately needed.

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Top 10 Worst Places to Live in the U.S.

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

In these trying economic times, you can at least be thankful you don't live in one of these ten horrendous U.S. metropolitan areas.

Wait, you don't actually live in these places, dear readers, do you?

Strollerderby directed us to this Forbes list of the ten worst places to live in the rapidly-crumbling American continental empire. Aren't you glad you don't live in these cities? Seriously, none of you actually live here, right?

1. Stockton, CA. The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here.
2. Memphis, TN. Crime is what did this in, according to Strollerderby. In our experience, we'd have to agree. On our sole trip to Memphis, we saw lots of street arrests, including of a tourist who had to be tackled and maced repeatedly by a cop who was trying to eat lunch when the tourist attacked our friends.
3. Chicago, IL. Blago, you bastard.
4. Cleveland, Ohio. "Cleveland, city of light, city of magic," sang Randy Newman mockingly almost four decades ago. Things haven't improved since, apparently.
5. Modesto, California earns its place here by being "one of the top three most dangerous metropolitan areas in California." Why it's more dangeorus than other dangerous metropolitan areas in the U.S. is also beyond our understanding.
6. Flint, Michigan. Michael Moore could've told you twenty years ago this auto industry town was doomed.
7. Detroit, Michigan. Ditto Detroit.
8. Buffalo, N.Y. Buffalo is the new badlands. If you don't believe us, try spending two hours in a bar there without arming yourself to the teeth.
9. Miami, Florida. Miami is about to be the first major U.S. city to completely collapse due to the mortgaging crisis. Hey, we didn't say it-- Forbes did.
10. St. Louis, Missouri. Hey Scanner Emily, at least it wasn't Kansas City.

Via Strollerderby.

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12-Year-Old Girl Forced To Do Something Horrible At Teacher's Behest

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 19:28:00 GMT

And no, it's not have his baby...

A teacher named Steve Davis at-- here's a name for ya-- Seven Hills Middle School in Nevada City, California has brought his entire school district shame, not to mention a major lawsuit, after what he forced a twelve-year-old girl to do at his request.

Davis has not publicly explained why he forced the unnamed girl to take a pregnancy test that involved giving a urine sample. The school, for that matter, hasn't explained why any nurse in their right mind gave Davis the pregnancy test to give to his adolescent student. And, of course, no one is talking about the case at all, since it's bound to cost the district millions.

Here's the saddest part of all: based on what we've read in various news outlets in California, it seems that Davis heard "rumors" of the girl's pregnancy from a girl who has a history of spreading unsubstantiated rumors about the victim and still he did not dismiss them. Of course, this all begs the obvious question:

Why was Steve Davis forcing anyone, let alone a 12-year-old student, to take a pregnancy test for any reason?

Here's one of the many news stories about the case.

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Video of the Day: Don't Divorce My Dads!

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 23:07:00 GMT

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

This video, set to the tune of Regina Spektor's 'Fidelity' is put out by the Courage Campaign.... and it breaks my heart.

[Via BUST]

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Tommy Lee's Drunk Pilot Is A Boob

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

You would think it couldn't get any weirder than an arrest photo, taken by the accused drunk helicopter pilot, in which he and the arresting officer mug for the camera with a bottle of vodka and the arresting officer's shirt slightly undone...

...oh... but it does...

Here's a photo montage TMZ released showing old hijinks of the guy busted for drunkenly piloting a helicopter carrying drummer Tommy Lee:

You'll not in the bottom right enhancement (no pun intended) that the gauge notes he is speeding at 60 knots... or 69 miles an hour (no pun intended, we swear.) In an interview with TMZ, the pilot, David Martz, claims he was 300-400 feet in the air when these boob-grab pics were snapped. He's been cited by the FAA on at least one occasion and has a host of other blemishes on his record.

So, how is this douche allowed to pilot a helicopter in suburban areas, where he is lucky to not have killed multiple already?

Charm. Look at how the cop in that photo is amused by his antics... how the woman is gleefully allowing him to photograph her boobs for internet glory. (How lucky she is that TMZ censored her nipple-- we would have broadcast the photos around the world, in all their NSFW glory, had we only figured out how.)

Via TMZ.

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Butt is it Art?

Colleen Kane — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:32:00 GMT

Vice magazine's website spotlights sculptor Randy Polumbo, who created this giant flower Buttercup out of dildos, with an enormous butt plug in the center. It makes an enchanting luminescent view at night with the help of solar power.

Surprisingly, some religious people have gotten upset at the sight.

Randy hosts the Art Queen fair on his property in Joshua Tree, CA, and one of his tenants that holds offices on the site, the Jesus House of Prayer, called the sherriff after seeing this blooming dildo sculpture. The sherriff covered up the sculpture with a blue tarp, which has since been removed, and now, Polumbo says, "it’s just one fellow who marches and yells about Jesus on Sundays now with this big placard about hell and punishment."

Those seem to be everywhere these days, so we say, shine on you crazy dildos.

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