Scanner : brooklyn

Safe For Work: Hipster Photo Erotica

Drew Grant — Fri, 08 May 2009 22:31:00 GMT

There are tons of ways to make money if you're a pretty woman in the city, but for non-Williamsburg Brooklyn set, it's harder to get noticed if you're not the conventional model type. Luckily there are photographers like Mauricio de Fex, a Manhattan-based photographer who has traversed the dangerous nooks and crannies of the J train to find some of these hidden beauties. Whether you live on Christopher Street, St. Marks, or Goodbye Blue Monday on the Bushwick/Bed-Stuy border, Mauricio is always on the lookout for the non-traditional.And lucky for us with day jobs, the photos are extremely sexy without being NSFW, a blessing in the age of online erotica.

(Via)

Vintage Erotica

Today in Porn Art: Rock Formation Artist Weirdo

Sloppy Seconds: Hand Jobs Involving the Mouth

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 22:08:00 GMT

The teabagging hilarity continues: this roundup of great tea puns is well worth checking out.

While we're at it, here's another made-up Fox News "scandal."

An obviously crazy man bit off his own penis in our old neighborhood of Ft. Greene, Brooklyn.

Everyone should rent the original UK version of State of Play before the American version comes along tomorrow and bores everyone to death.

Tennessee schools hate on the gays by blocking websites favorable to their cause.

A Baptist preacher, who kind of looks like Luke Wilson, was beaten and tased multiple times by the border patrol for refusing to open his trunk.

Kari Ferrell, the Utah hipster-grifter, is taking New York City by storm with her awful tattoos and creepy promises to give guys hand jobs with her mouth. Wha?

Is this the end of Rolling Stone Magazine?

President Obama released all those pesky interrogation memos from the Bush administration. Of course, nothing will ever come of this.

Brad Garrett yelled at paparazzi about "turbans" and is now accused of making racial slurs.

Related:

We Finally Figured Out Why Marilyn Manson Dumped Dita Von Teese...

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Makes it Work

Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Mile High Club Lovers Take Sex Life to the Fast Lane

Is That a Boner in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Emily Farris — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:14:00 GMT

Having grown up sans penis, we've never had to endure the humiliation of a public boner. Sure, we've had to help tame a few but lucky for us, everything is contained nicely in our clothes. Hell, we never even had to worry about nipping. Throughout high school and—sadly—for much of our twenties we wore a padded bra (still hoping those boobs will come in any day now!). So while we've not been on the, uh, giving end of the awkward boner we may have, at some point in our lives, laughed at a few. The new blog Awkward Boners now allows us to do that all we want in the privacy of our own homes.

Today in teacher sex....

If you'd like to see these in their native habitat, visit Brighton Beach, Brooklyn.

Somebody get this kid a pizza box. Stat!

[Awkward Boners]

Related:

Shawn Johnson And Her Partner's Johnson Slip

Top 5 Obvious Public Boners

So Lap Dances Aren't Acceptable at High School Basketball Games?

Sloppy Seconds: Oral Sex is Bad, Mmmmkay?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Apparently, we're one step closer to having eternal sunshine in our spotless minds. Except, instead of forgetting about Jim Carrey doctors might be able to make us forget how much we love hamburgers. And pulled pork. And cheesecake. And those little biscuits at the seafood place. And that would be so, so awesome. [NYT]

We sort of wish we would have waited to break our wrist at the Down & Derby that Cosmo Baker is spinning at instead of the one (about this time last year) that featured some DJ we'd never even heard of. Anyway, if you're in New York and a better roller skater than we are, you should check this out. We will be in town for it, but we will not be seeing you there. [TheKeyRoom]

An iPod you can control with your facial expressions? No thanks. One day we're walking down the street trying to skip from the Katy Perry version of "I Kissed a Girl" to the Jill Sobule version. Next thing you know the guy is telling the cops he could have sworn we were begging him to put his penis in our mouth. [Reuters]

That bisexual reality star we're no longer allowed to talk about thinks that she and Meghan McCain are very similar because they're both Scorpios and they both...wait for it... "have strong opinions about things." [Us]

While Farrah Fawcett fights an uphill battle against cancer her son Redmond can't help but get into a little bit of trouble. [RadarOnline]

Patrick Swayze seems to be faring a little better in the cancer department, though it's all still so sad. [People]

Here's yet another reminder that oral sex will give you mouth AIDS or cancer or something like that. [Jossip]

Speaking of oral... we have to admit that though we've heard her name, we have no idea who Aubrey O'Day is, but apparently Kathy Griffin likes the taste of her mouth. [FadedYouth]

Related:

I Guess We'll Never Write About Her Again

Broken Blogger: Scanner Emily

From the Medical News Vault: Male Masturbation 'Cuts Cancer Risk'

Important Music Trend: Olds Backed Up by Cutes

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

Scanner Brian chastised me as "terrible" at SXSW in Austin last week for admiring some fine male specimens, while silmultaneously engaged to be married. What? I'm not dead! And believe it or not, there are significantly fewer fetching gents/cads in Baton Rouge than there were in Austin, so it was a special occasion.

It's great to see seasoned older musicians, but they don't always provide the best viewing experience. Some veterans throw some younguns onstage, and aesthetics instantly improve. The first instance of olds backed up by a band of cutes was the legendary Roky Erickson, who played with the Black Angels. The band looks better with the trippy colored lights (above), just like their psych rock sounds better with them. These guys and girl ROCKED IT.

And this shot above is pretty much the same but with another band member visible...and a slightly better view of the gang is here with this gratuitous publicity shot.

Exhibit B: Daniel Johnston and these cutes from Brooklyn (of course). They're called the somethings, I forget what, doesn't really matter. I know everyone in music (and Scanner Brian) thinks Daniel Johnston is the cat's meow, but he just made me kind of sad and I couldn't get into his music at all, so instead I focused on the two energetic slender young men on either side of him, before leaving two songs into the set.

So anyway, music industry and music lovers, take note. There should be more of such intergenerational performances.

Related:

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Hot Naked Chicks

Second Chance Smiths Speed Dating

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 16:04:00 GMT

Hey New Yorkers, were you totally bummed when you found out you missed the Smiths Speed Dating? Fret not, young lovers. My friends in Brooklyn have just made your dark, mopey day a little darker. No seriously, put down the razor blade and click through.

On Thursday, March 19 Dave Hill and Black Rabbit Bar (Scanner Emily's former second date bar as it was four doors down from my last apartment) present Speed Dating to the Glorious Mopey Sounds of the Smiths.

It's absolutely free and on a first come, first served basis. Dating begins at 8 and they suggest arriving by 7:45 to sign up.

Black Rabbit Bar is at 91 Greenpoint Avenue between Frankin and Manhattan in glorious Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Take the G to Greenpoint Avenue and get off at the Greenpoint exit. Tell the guy sleeping on the sidewalk by the station that I said "what's up?

[Black Rabbit Bar]

Related:

Smiths Speed Dating Really Happened

While You Were Sleeping: Morrissey Gets Naked For CD Sales

Sloppy Seconds: Nicky Hilton Takes the Law Into Her Own Hands

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 00:26:00 GMT

What would Mickey Rourke have said had he won the Oscar? Probably that Marisa Tomei is awesome because "not that many girls can climb the pole, y'know?" [Vulture]

A 30-year-old aspiring male model committed suicide in Brooklyn's Prospect Park last week, after stating his intentions to do so on his Facebook page. [DailyIntel]

Ever wonder why boys (in general) don't like pink and girls (in general) do? If the results of a recent study are to be believed, it's because mens' and womens' brains respond differently to "beautiful" objects. Of course, the study was done with paintings and we're just guessing on the pink thing; we don't think pink is that beautiful, really. [Reuters]

What's in the water in this Brazilian town where 38 pairs of twins were born among about 80 families living in a one-and-a-half-square-mile area? [NYT]

We've always thought of citizen's arrest as this weird thing that people don't actually do. To the best of our knowledge, generally they don't. Unless, of course, they're Nicky Hilton. Surprisingly, we're left with only one question: what the hell was she doing at IHOP at 5 a.m.? [Us]

[Image]

Get in the Friday Zone: Mardi Gras!

Colleen Kane — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 17:46:00 GMT

It's month 18 of my exile in Southern Louisiana (by way of Brooklyn, by way of Jerse), a place I never would have thought I'd end up living.

One thing I've learned they take seriously in this part of the world is partying. Every season brings another celebration, and now we're in the time of the most infamous of them all: Mardi Gras. And so, to get in the spirit for the weekend's festivities, a video from last Mardi Gras of me dancing to the local jazz station with my Labrador, Cooper.

Related:

Get in the Friday Zone: Wherein We Prank You in a Totally Awesome Way

Get in the Friday Zone: Aunt Janice Rules (Video)

Get in the Friday Zone: Girls Rule! OMG LOL Edition

Sloppy Seconds: What Amy Adams Does in Private

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:43:00 GMT

Do you believe that NBC paid crazy baby lady ~~Angelina Jolie~~ Nadya Suleman nothing for her sit down with Ann Curry? [Jossip]

Our favorite headline of the day: 'Nude biker leads trooper on chase in bad weather.' [AP]

Boo: a brewery in Brooklyn has been ordered to stop making its Obama ale. That's too bad. We've had it and it's good. [The Brooklyn Paper]

After seemingly racist photos of her surfaced, Miley Cyrus is being sued for $4 million "on behalf of all "Asian Pacific Islanders living in Los Angeles County." Good luck with that Lucie Kim. [FadedYouth]

Ah! Will U2 just go away for, like, a little while? They're playing for an entire week on David Letterman to promote their upcoming album. [Yahoo!]

Apparently Amy Adams, girl of Scanner Brain's dreams, is actually a bad girl, telling BlackBook magazine, "I misbehave. I just do it in private." We imagine this only means he loves her more now. [People]

We're Just Not That Into... The Outdoor Lovemap

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:28:00 GMT

The Outdoor Lovemap is the "international guide to places to make love outdoors." Unfortunately, "international" does not equal "ultimate." While it's a good idea in theory, it's a little, uh, sparse. When we typed in our zip code, the closest result was the St. Louis Zoo, which is, like, 250 miles away. But we can think of plenty of beautiful outdoor spaces within walking distance where we could make sexy time. We'll stick with the map that at least helps us find someone to hook up with and take care of finding a place to do it on our own.

Related:

What's (Er Who's) Going Down In Your Hood?

Teenage Sexual Awakening Via Google Maps and Polaroids

Look Both Ways Before Walking The Streets, 'Cause Google Maps Might Be Watching

To Catch a Teacher, Brooklyn Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 20:17:00 GMT

Alexander Kravitz (a.k.a. EVRYDAYGURLS), a 26-year-old auto mechanics teacher and basketball coach, had been sending dirty messages and webcam videos to a 14-year-old girl for nearly two months before he arranged for a rendezvous in Queens.

Except, when he showed up for their meeting yesterday with the hopes of making a sex tape, Kravitz didn't quite get what he had bargained for.

Oops! (No that's not supposed to be a gay stripper, just a sexy cop!)

Kravitz had, much to his surprise, been sending his SXY VIDS 4 U 2 C!!! to the NYPD.

A search of Kravitz's home later turned up "a trove of child porn," according to police.

[NYDN: Police nab Brooklyn teacher in sex sting]

Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Droves of Students Coming Forward to Testify Against Skank Teacher

Ex-Teacher Argues Sex With Her Student Was Constitutional

MI Teacher Wants You to Burn the Sheets After Hot Sex

[Image (we dare you to follow that link), Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Even Winning 'American Idol' Won't Help You in this Economy

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 00:02:00 GMT

Say goodbye to our old friends at MollyGood and please cross your fingers and hope that your favorite Scanner bloggers still have jobs come next Monday. [MollyGood]

Lynne Spears admits she was a bit of an enabler when raising Britney. [Jossip]

Madonna is suing the Mail for publishing pictures of her wedding to soon-to-be-former husband Guy Ritchie. You know, so she can have even more money to flaunt in front of him when they split. [BBC]

Our neighborhood (read: Scanner Emily's neighborhood) is totally contaminated. Yum. [NYT]

Fist Ed McMahon had his house foreclosed on, now it's American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino. Is Tyra Banks next? [Us]

Yet again, we are forced to tell you that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have not broken up. [People]

Our blog reader is down. That is all we have for you today folks.

Lou Reed's Classic Example Of How To Give An Interview

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 17:26:00 GMT

With international leaders meeting today to discuss the growing world economic crisis, employees are spending more and more of their workday online, job hunting. Thankfully, Lou Reed is here to help with your next interview.

Now, in honor of the release of his brilliant new record, the master teaches you how to relax and to not appear too eager when facing down those overbearing interviewers...

In case you don't know anything about his music (and how the hell do you get to be your age and not know Lou Reed, honestly?), it's all about drugs. Just a heads up so you can appreciate this clip all the more...

And by the way, you should really check out the new Berlin: Live at St. Ann's Warehouse. We were there for the taping and it was an unmistakably powerful show, with far and away the best sound we've ever experienced in a concert setting.

Related:

The Saddest And Most Hopeful Story in Rock & Roll

Who Would You Rather: Katy Perry vs. Zooey Deschanel?

Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

While You Were Sleeping: When MySpace Attacks...

Led Zeppelin May Have A New Singer... And It's Amazin'...

Sloppy Seconds: The Sheep Beauty Pageant

The 50 Sexiest Albums You Must Own (30-21)

Man Steals Underwear from Victoria's Secret, We Share Our Victoria's Secret

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 15:36:00 GMT

I consider myself a novelty thief (a salt shaker here, a candle from the Heath Ledger bar there) but I have to give a guy some novelty credit for stealing a buttload of underwear from a Victoria's Secret in Dallas. And ever since my own unfortunate incident in a Victoria's Secret fitting room, I can't help but smirk a little at this.

Last year, in the throes of writing the casserole book and eating, like, 8 casseroles a week, I desperately needed to invest in a girdle (yes, women still wear those), so I set off for my nearest Victoria's Secret, thinking they'd be, you know, discreet. When I asked if they had the nude in a larger size, a woman yelled across the room to her colleague: "Do you have this girdle in a large for this lady?"

They didn't.

So, I decided to try on the medium. The tighter it is, the more it sucks... and sucking is what I was going for. After I wiggled my way into it and witnessed the girdle's amazing sucking powers, I thought I'd buy it and I started to take it off. But I couldn't. I was stuck. In a girdle. In a Victoria's Secret. In Brooklyn. After a few minutes of trying to get out if, I asked the sales associate, who had so graciously yelled my size and purchase across the room, to help me get out of it. And what did she do? She laughed at me.

Ten minutes and one pulled shoulder muscle later, I got the fucking girdle off, all by myself.

So, yeah, forgive us if we think it's hilarious that a man stole 160 pairs of underwear, worth about $1,000" from a Victoria's Secret in Texas. According to reports, he snatched the undies from a table and sped off with his accomplice (who held the door) in a green car.

[Local 6: $1,067 Worth Of Underwear Snatched]

Woman Injured By Victoria's Secret Thong

The Last Four People in the World Trying to Keep Victoria's Secret

[Image via victoriassecret.com]

What's (Er Who's) Going Down In Your Hood?

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 20:26:00 GMT

We've seen some interesting uses of Google Maps mash-ups but perhaps none quite as, um, utilitarian as Hook-Up Maps.

If you didn't already figure it out, Hook-Up Maps mashes up Google Maps with Craigslist casual encouters listings, letting you know exactly how many hook-ups are within your drunken, lazy, horny reach.

We're glad to know that as of around midnight last night, there were 7 hook-ups in our neighborhood of Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Unfortunately in Nixa, Missouri, where we're staying for the next few nights: ZERO.

So next time you're too drunk to take the subway for some booty but would absolutely stumble down the street for it, check out Hook-Up Maps. Just don't forget to pick up some condoms at the bodega on the corner.

[HookUpMaps via Boinkology]

Related:

Teenage Sexual Awakening Via Google Maps and Polaroids

Look Both Ways Before Walking The Streets, 'Cause Google Maps Might Be Watching

Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Flickrvision: Welcome to the Next Glorious Waste of Your Plugged-in Time

Apparently We Were Supposed to Be Upset By This Poster

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:51:00 GMT

Remember this poster—a recreation of a Joan Baez poster from the 60's—we posted yesterday? Well, we thought it was all in good fun, but apparently it's pissed off quite a few female bloggers, including some of our old friends.

Over at Salon the women of Broadsheet had a heated discussion.

Rebecca Traistor despises the poster, and says that "the idea of any kind of political action is being taken to impress the opposite sex — or that guys would only vote a certain way if a woman promised sex at the end (that's also totally the only way you get them to pay for dinner, incidentally) — sort of makes me want to drown myself."

While we get where Traistor is coming from, we can't imagine anyone would actually vote a certain way just to impress the opposite sex. And if he did, we surely wouldn't have sex with him—we're not attracted to men who aren't passionate about their own politics.

Sarah Hepola, formerly Salon Sarah, seems to be somewhere between us, and Traistor, but still dislikes it:

"It doesn't bother me as much, but it's kind of gross. Are the women in this photo going to say yes to every boy who says Obama? Because if so, they are going to be very, very tired. And sore!

Considering this poster was made, according to Bust, by 'a couple cheeky ladies in Brooklyn" —where I (and Rebecca and Judy! [and Scanner Emily]) proudly live -- I would suggest it should be tweaked to read, 'Girls say yes to boys who say Obama and also wear skinny jeans and have scruffy hair and buy me Stella Artois while I crochet an adorable bong cozy.'"

So, so right, Scanner Sarah. But of all the things to get pissed off in the world, this poster isn't one of them. We don't have the energy (you know, especially since we're only halfway through the Democratic men in Brooklyn).

What do you think? Good fun or highly offensive?

Related:

Yes Girls for Obama

Sloppy Seconds: Barack Obama's Hip Hop Cameo

Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

Today in F*ck Yeah: Pacman Halloween Costumes

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 13:44:00 GMT

Since we already kind-of got Slutoween out of our systems, perhaps this year we should go for something just plain cool. Our friend sent us a link to these Pacman ghost costumes, and we have to say, they're pretty amazing. Our only concern is the "enclosed" aspect. We tried to be the mascott at a football game in high school once and freaked the fuck out after about five minutes of having the Indian mask over our heads.

Pictures and link for purchase (though we can't imagine these beauties are still availalbe) after the jump.

They're available here in Brooklyn (the home of all three of your Scanner contributors) and only $30 each.

[Craigslist: Pacman Ghosts Halloween Costumes]

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

MyZombiePinup: Get Ready For Halloween '09

Scanner Roundtable: The Costumes That Got Us Laid

Because It Isn't Halloween Until a Dog Is Wearing a Tiara

(Thanks, Andrew!)

While You Were Sleeping: Human Evolution Ended

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 14:29:00 GMT

You won't see a better headline all day: "ZZ Top regrets snake tour." And yes, it's worth reading beyond the title for the story of those snakes.

Eric Clapton is selling 13 shotguns. The news here? Eric Clapton is a scary, scary mofo.

Even when she finally got it together to get her own driver, Britney Spears still can't escape trouble on the road...

Accident-prone Britney Spears was reportedly involved in another car crash after she was pursued by the waiting paparazzi in California.
The star - who is due to stand trial after she was caught driving without a license last year - was being chauffeured through West Hollywood when a photographer's car collided with her vehicle, reports celebrity website TMZ.com. [Starpulse]

A Brooklyn, NY arts space has introduced the floating brothel. Unfortunately, it's only for actors.

We're not making up this summary: a South Australian man is believed to have impregnated 30 lesbians. Now, the local community is worried about accidental incest....

And one scientist claims that because old men aren't having as much sex with young lasses anymore, human beings are no longer evolving. We failed science, so trust us, it makes a lot more sense when you just read the article.

A British couple proves recycling is super awesome. Or that airline tickets are super cheap if it involves travel to third world countries, such as the United States. (Again, just read it, you'll see what we mean.)

Related:

Reason #8,847 Not To Sleep With A Bali Hooker...

Man Buys Camera On Ebay, Finds Treasure Trove Of MI6 Secret Documents

Man Claims He Was Robbed By Gang Of Topless Women

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 21:09:00 GMT

With word that Candace Bushnell will pen a novel telling the story of Carrie Bradshaw before she starting having sex in the city, people are already buzzing about who would play a young Bradshaw in the movie version. Can you guess who? [Yahoo!]

Who knew Bridget Jones had such influence over British families? [Jezebel]

Helen Koss, championed women's rights in Maryland and was the first female committee chairperson in the Maryland General Assembly's House of Delegates died of lung cancer at the age of 86. [Washington Post]

Do you want to put your warm apple pie in our mouth? No, really. We're judging an apple pie contest October 19th, and if you live in New York, you should enter. [Greenpointers]

Pete Wentz followed in the footsteps of Brad Pitt and Steven Spielberg by donating money to the campaign to keep same-sex marriages legal in California. [Faded Youth]

Related:

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

While You Were Sleeping: Pete Wentz Exposes... His Past

NFL Player Accidentally Posts Photo Of His Penis On His Blog

Ashlee and Pete Finally Come Clean on Pregnancy Rumors

Top 10 Most Famous Penises In Human History

Ashlee Simpson Sure is Knocked Up

NYPD Tase A Nude Man To Death

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:48:00 GMT

At about 1pm yesterday, the NYPD responded to a complaint in Brooklyn about a naked man standing on an awning. About an hour later, after he waved a long fluorescent lighting tube at officers, the man was tased...

...and fell to his death.

We have video of the incident, sfw and without the actual landing (don't worry), below:

The man's name was Iman Morales and, according to his mother, who argued with Morales about an unidentified subject just prior to his leaving their apartment to climb onto the awning, he was very "sick." The fall was only ten feet and wouldn't have killed him if he hadn't landed on his head.

Here is amateur video posted by YouTube user ChooseRonPaul; however, we're not sure who actually shot this footage.

Via YouTube.

Related:

Girl, Molested By Teacher And Guidance Counselor, Is Kicked Out Of School

Police Officer Busted For Trading Speeding Ticket For Sex

A Naked Man Attacked A Woman and All We Got Was This Lousy Headline

The Naked Lady Rides Again In Oregon

RNC Delegate, Robbed By Hooker, Speaks Out In Favor Of More War

While You Were Sleeping: The Playboy Selection Process

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Simpson Headed for a Life of Bad Clothes and TV Dinners?

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Bangkok Dangerous star Nicholas Cage just settled with the IRS and agreed to pay hundreds of thousands in back taxes. Will you pay ours while you're at it, Nick? It's only a few hundred. [Forbes]

Josh Hartnett has filed a lawsuit against the UK's Daily Mirror after the paper ran a story claiming he had sex in the public area of a hotel. [People]

Are we seriously still talking about purity rings? [MollyGood]

We didn't even know there were rumors that Pam Anderson and Michael Jackson were dating. [Us]

If you live in New York and happen to see "the worst dressed group of young people" being followed around by cameras, you have entered The Real World, Brooklyn. [NY Press]

Another one for New Yorkers: we're going to be on TV tomorrow morning. We'll be showing you how to make your TV dinners better on Fox 5's "Good Day New York" at 8:39 a.m. Catch us if you can, or want to.

Jessica Simpson was in New York this morning to perform on Good Morning America. She stopped a live, televised performance because she couldn't hear anything. She also wore the worst outfit ever, and apparently she now has a southern accent. Except when she's "with yeeewah." [ABC]

Sloppy Seconds: New Apprentice Set To Be Worst TV Show Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:42:00 GMT

If you're a woman in your late twenties and going to have sex with your seventeen-year-old lover, please don't get drunk first. Also, please don't get drunk with your teenage lover, have sex in a train station, and refuse to leave when you are loudly asked to stop fucking each others' brains out over the public address system...

Despite the operator’’s pleas for them to get dressed and desist, the woman of 29 and her boyfriend aged 17 carried on.

In fact, British Transport Police officers had to drive out to arrest the pair and bed them down overnight in cells - separately - before releasing them with cautions the next day.

The incident took place at 11pm at the Wandle Park stop in Croydon, South London.

Even better, the damn lucky bastards got off with merely a night in jail and a strong British scolding. God bless that country...

In other news:

We still can't get over the fact that a woman is named Brooklyn, is hot, and is now getting married to Andy Roddick.

Joe Francis, founder and douche emeritus of Girls Gone Wild, joins rumored co-stars Khloe Kardashian, Joan Rivers, and Dennis The Menace Rodman at the Big Office In The Sky(scraper) on next season's The Apprentice.

Enough trashing of Canada (people, we were kidding yesterday by the way.)

As of the women of the world's military institutions don't suffer enough: one of their male counterparts has been accused of posting nude photos of his fellow female soldiers on the web.

And Anne Hathaway talks politics:

AP: What inspires you about Obama?

"I was kind of afraid of Obama the first time I saw him. I thought, I've been burned by guys like you before. I've been burned by politicians before that I wanted to believe in and just didn't live up to it. And I was afraid to trust him and I was afraid to have hope when I first kind of became aware of him. It was around the time that he gave his speech on race that I just said 'I can't deny how I feel about you, Barack Obama. I want you to be the president. I want you in the White House.'"

Artist Steve Powers Is Waterboarding at Coney Island

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 16:38:00 GMT

Step right up and catch a glimpse of Coney Island's "Waterboard Thrill Ride." Artist Steve Powers has created an installation at New York City's Coney Island beach and amusement park depicting the act of waterboarding on dummies in a freak show cage.

Says Powers:

"I wanted to make the perfect Coney Island experience. Something that captivates, that's an immediate visceral reaction and that lingers in the memory," he said, speaking in front of his booth, which features an image of SpongeBob SquarePants saying, "It don't Gitmo better!"

As part of the project Powers and several lawyers subjected themselves to actual waterboarding in a private Coney Island demonstration.

"It was a terrifying experience," said Karin Kunstler Goldman, 64, an assistant New York state attorney general. "The fact that it took place near roller coasters and cotton candy sends an important message: We here can engage in frivolity and fun at a time when in our name this is happening to people somewhere else."

As Coney Island enthusiasts we're sorry we missed this (it left the park last Friday and is on view at the Park Avenue Armory, although we did clue you in on it it awhile back) if just to judge for ourselves whether it was sensationalist and gross or effective political art.

What do you think? Is a waterboarding carnival cell "silly and political and educational all at the same time" or "messed up"?

The 2008 Mermaid Parade Rocked Our Partially-Nude World

Calling All Wannabe Patrons of the Arts

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 18:58:00 GMT

Brooklyn-based artist James J. Williams III is selling off piles of random crap from his apartment.

This is "The Goodbye Box." Retailing for $100, items include:

One (1) VHS of “Kissing a Fool” left at 586 Dean by Mollie Sue Steenis when she moved back to Florida.
One (1) white art-handling glove.
key ring with Fisher-Price plastic keys that once belonged to Eddie Lloyd during his raver days.
One (1) melted red candle in a candlestick.
One (1) N’Sync t-shirt, with pre-fab tears. Never worn. Handed down by Rebecca Shulman.

Do not let the opportunity to own other people's shit pass you by! Judging by how much of this crap once belonged to someone else, James J. Williams III certainly didn't.

Dig deep folks, and help James turn his "most cherished possessions," into a bold critique of our assumptions about property, ownership, art and rent money.

The 2008 Mermaid Parade Rocked Our Partially-Nude World

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 15:47:00 GMT

Wait, you've never heard of the Mermaid Parade? Well... you'll remember it now...

No wonder Mayor Bloomberg wants to turn the whole area into a Disney World of the Northeast, or at least Condominium World: he's too much of a stuffed shirt to appreciate Coney Island for what it is: an excuse for rampant pasties, men in diapers and thongs, and transvestites to come out for a day of fun in the 102-degree sun...

Our favorite moment was unfortunately not captured on film: The first group of marchers that came by were a handful of goth-type mermaids. As the leader hurried past, something flew off her and bounced along the pavement. As the crowd (and her fellow marchers cheered and laughed), the blushing girl ran back and snatched up her bust-enhancing pad, rejoined the group, and raced away...

NOTE: These are all low-quality jpg's of photos we took on the fly Saturday. For the full-quality shots, which are infinitely nicer on the eyes, check out our Flickr site.

We've been in love with this anonymous stranger for years, after we saw her flaunting herself like a lovely little degenerate in 2006.

We don't know what the Fulton Ferry is (or is it "was?"), but we're open to hearing more about it.

These dudes (and ladies) were doing some sort of absurd, sea-creature-themed dance routine.

What this had to do with the nautical theme, we're not 100%, but the dude in the wife beater T-shirt didn't hold that against these two.

There was something about this man that we found disarming, even beautiful. Then again, he was cooling us with a giant fan.

These enchantresses came by at a rare quiet moment in the parade. The half-naked dudes followed, of course.

Hairy man in heels... undoubtedly a big hit.

There are plenty more photos... plus versions of these you'll actually be able to enjoy, via our Flickr account. A more serious photographer has some decent photos here.

We Missed Out On The Hipster Olympics

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 17:30:00 GMT

Taking place in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, of course. Not that we would've gone, lest we were so uncool as to be associated with hipsters.

Thanks, Marco.

This Week in Gayness: Vito Fossella Sister Shocker

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 May 2008 19:27:00 GMT

This week it's an endless parade of discrimination and bigotry... although there is a plethora of positive news, such as:

Voters in the state of Virginia elected for the first time ever a gay black person to statewide office. Can civilization be too far off in Virginia's future?

Illinois bigots will have to try another GOTV tactic for McCain after their anti-gay marriage ballot initiative failed.

Walt Bayes, the same Republican candidate for the Idaho State House who went on a two-month hunger strike to "end abortion" has come out in favor of segregation. Yep, the big assface wants gay students isolated from the rest of the populace. This one really needs to be read in full to be believed.

Our hero, of the day, Florida highschooler Heather Gillman, on her lawsuit victory over her principal: "Standing up to my school was really hard to do, but I’m so happy that I did because the First Amendment is a big deal to everyone." According to the ACLU, her principal

testified that he believed clothing or stickers featuring rainbows would make students automatically picture gay people having sex.

The Vagina Tree

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 May 2008 16:21:00 GMT

Brooklyn, where four of your Scanner bloggers live, is full of sexually suggestive trees. First it was the Mighty Bukkake Tree, and now the Vagina Tree, found in Scanner Emily's neighborhood. You can call it the Vulva Tree if you want, but we think Vagina Tree sounds better.

(Note the brown leaves. We actually found this tree a long, long time ago but just found our camera cord today. Maybe we're due for a picture of the Vagina Tree in the spring?)

Vito Fossella Promotes Family Values... Two Families At A Time

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:40:00 GMT

As we suspected, Vito Fossella is not the goody-two-shoes, family-values conservative, Dad of the Year winner the Republican Party made him out to be. The New York City Congressman, already the worst person in the world for bringing his best friend Dick Cheney to Brooklyn and Staten Island to fundraise for him, has outdone himself again.

And we thought Eliot Spitzer's was the ultimate hypocrite for going after whorehouses while himself visiting Ashley Alexandra Dupre in his spare time:

Representative Vito J. Fossella, the Staten Island Republican who was arrested on drunken-driving charges in Virginia last week, acknowledged on Thursday that he had fathered a daughter, now 3, in an extramarital affair. But he declined to address questions about his political future. [New York Times]

It keeps getting better: not only that, but Vito has been seen recently without his wedding ring. Dude-- you're a public official, people in the gossip community (i.e. the New York Post, Daily News, and Reuters) tend to notice shit like that. And if you're going to cheat on your wife (and kids-- that is, those kids you have with your current wife), please leave her at least the dignity to be able to end the marriage herself-- in other words, let her be the one to take her ring off first. Don't get all Rudy Guiliani on us and call a press conference announcing your divorce so she can learn about it from NY1 News.

Asshole.

Via The New York Daily News.

Last NYC Republican Congressman Busted For DWI!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 May 2008 16:30:00 GMT

The Democrats have been trying to oust New York City's only Republican member of Congress for several electoral cycles. After a boneheaded move on Vito Fossella's part, they have their best chance for a pickup since his first term...

According to the New York Times, Fossella:

1) Was busted going twice the legal limit... while running a red light... while driving in Virginia...

2) ...a state which mandates at least five days in jail for a first DWI conviction...

3) ...while driving with an unidentified woman coming down to bail him out. UPDATE: The woman is not his wife, who has refused comment on this story. (Ooh, please please please tell us it's a transvestite! Why else would Fossella not reveal the identity of his companion? Oh wait, she's a former "congressional liaison." Sounds like page scandal number two, perhaps?)

4) He tried to lie his way out of trouble by telling the police officer he had to rush to the hospital to see his sick or injured daughter. Apparently, he blacked out this portion of the evening, as his "alibi" changed the next morning:

although on Friday he said that he had been on his way to visit friends.

5) Fossella faces an automatic Congressional investigation within the next month, under a newly-passed rule about ethics violations.

6) Fossella will not enter rehab, which may or may not help with his reelection campaign this year.

Mr. Fossella said he would not resign. His spokesman, Craig Donner, said that Mr. Fossella did not have a drinking problem and that he therefore had no plans to enter a rehabilitation program.

More comedy, including the results of Mr. Fossella's attempt to recite the alphabet backwards, at nytimes.com. Photo via Metro UK.