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Arizona University Paper Hosts Sex Advice Column, Silly Questions Ensue

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Northern Arizona University, in the Flagstaff area, has an award-winning newspaper called the Lumberjack, which features a sex advice column and questions from anonymous local dopes and maybe a few genuine practitioners of sex.

At the end of every semester, the Lumberjack, which can be found online as JackCentral, reproduces the leftover scraps. While they aren't as asinine as you might expect (we're pretty sure the craziest questions were left on the printing press floor), there are a few pieces of gold mixed in with questions about swimming sperm, anal sex, and circumcision...

Q: What’s the point of anal sex?

A: For some of us, the act of anal sex can seem strange or intimidating. For most homosexual male couples, this is a popular option for love-making. Some women or heterosexual men enjoy anal stimulation as well; it just depends on what feels comfortable and pleasurable. Some men enjoy anal sex for a reason most of us don’t think about in the bedroom: prostate health.

Anal intercourse stimulates this sensitive gland that lies just below the bladder and right up against the rectum. Many men enjoy stimulation of the prostate, and some even call this area the “male g-spot.” Plus, proctologists agree regular stimulation of the prostate is good for prostate health and functioning. So if not for your sexual pleasure, do it for your sexual health!

Q: Do sperm have eyes? If not, how do they know to go north for the summer?

A: We are assuming “going north” is a euphemism for traveling up the female reproductive system. To start off, sperm do not have eyes, because they are single-celled organisms. One thing that helps them in their quest for an egg is the flagellum, or that little tail that helps them swim. There are also environmental factors that point them in the right direction.

Sperm can live in the female reproductive system for a few days, but only a few hours in the vagina. The vagina is a very volatile environment for sperm because of its natural acidity. And because the sperm won’t last too long outside of the vagina either, their instinct is to swim up through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes. If the woman has ovulated and an egg is present, that egg begins to emit certain chemical signals to which the sperm respond. Once they sense that chemical romance, they are further attracted up the fallopian tubes to their female counterpart.

Great answers, of course, but awesomely-named writer Nellie Placencia can clearly be seen resisting snarky remarks to questions like these, under the headline The Naked Truth: Feeling queasy? Maybe there's a baby inside you?

Hola, bonjour and hello faithful readers. You have returned once again for a great week of sexual topics, and I am here to satisfy your cravings. This week’s question comes courtesy of The Stork, who wants to remind everyone that carrots help your eyesight, and sex makes babies.

Q: How long after sex do I know if I’m pregnant? How long can you wait after intercourse to take a pregnancy test?

A: First of all, having sex with no barrier or hormonal contraception is a great way to induce a pregnancy. If you did that within the past two or three months, your chances are good. So…mazel tov!

Women can usually spot a few signs of pregnancy within the first two months of being impregnated. The most obvious sign of pregnancy is a missed period. Keeping track of when your period normally starts and ends is a good idea if you’re sexually active, especially if you have an irregular cycle. If you miss your period and suspect it’s not normal, you might be pregnant. The best way to know is to take a pregnancy test, but more about that later.

Q: How do I get birth control? Does it need to be prescribed by a doctor? When do I start using it? Are there different types?

A: In these trying economic times, we here at The Naked Truth understand the need for effective and affordable birth control. And assuming you are a girl (boys, just head down to Walgreens and buy some condoms), there are a lot of important concerns when choosing the birth control method that is right for you.

Via JackCentral.

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FHM's Ten Sexiest Women of 2009: Hot or Not?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:01:00 GMT

Yesterday, Emily revealed FHM's sexiest woman in the world (2009 High-Bidding Publicist's Decision Edition, of course.) As usual, no one has ever heard of her, much as they had never heard of Megan Fox last year. Well, this time we can prove the vote was rigged because the winner doesn't have cache like appearing in a recent #1 blockbuster to help boost her rankings... she's just some random vaguely hot model that is on the rise...

10. Freida Pinto (she should've been higher, especially this year)

9. Anna Friel (can't believe they called the now-canceled Pushing Daisies "massive")

8. Kristin Kreuk (uh, she was on Smallville... and... uh... yeah, hasn't been heard from since)

7. Elisha Cuthbert (booorriing choices in this top 10)

6. Adriana Lima (heard of her, can't place her, moving on)

5. Keeley Hazell (wait, Keeley Hazell isn't as sexy as...)

4. Britney Spears (...automatically invalidating the entire list...)

3. Jessica Alba (when are men going to get tired of this untalented nobody?)

2. Megan Fox (the dethroned champion falls to...)

1. Cheryl Cole. Uh, apparently she was on a show called the X Factor and annoys Simon Cowell. If that's true, why isn't she tied for the top spot with Jennifer Hudson, who is far more attractive? Let's look at the photo evidence:

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While You Were Sleeping: Post-Sex Guilt

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

Larry Craig, age four.

Loony Michele Bachman of Loony Minnesota (just kidding, although see above) knows there are exactly 17 socialists in Congress. You know, back in the day, we ran Joe McCarthy out of town with smarter quips than that.

Does your male lover suffer from "post-sex guilt?"

The White House is under attack! By bees.

Ah, yes, another crazy white supremacist with a firearm. Wonders never cease.

Britney Spears had this advice for her audience, generally made up of young girls and their patient mothers: "Don't smoke weed. Rock out with your cocks out. Peace, motherfuckers!"

Controversial (and therefore great) filmmaker Kirby Dick follows up his anti-MPAA movie "This Film Is Not Rated" with a movie that attempts to expose closeted American political figures.

Farrah Fawcett is well enough to leave the hospital.

Just in time for Easter, the Nestle's Chocolate Milk thief has struck again in Congress.

And Sony wants to put its movies on YouTube for free. We'll believe it when we get to the end credits.

While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:08:00 GMT

If you're going to bribe a cop, it's wise to aim higher than $17.

One of our strange/secret crushes, Chelsea Clinton, has gotten engaged.

Great, another reason for Nascar fans to hate Obama: this April Fool's Day prank made it seem like Obama wanted to pull millions from Nascar to punish car companies.

Another day and more rumors that Britney Spears feels like she's "in prison" and wants out of this arrangment with her father.

Our worst fear came true, and then turned out to be a gag: Heidi Montang told people she was pregnant, but thankfully it was only an April 1st thing. There's still time to sterilize the cast of The Hills.

If your attempt to rob a liquor store fails, please don't cry about it. No one made you do it...

Natalie Cole's fans are so crazy about her, they're even willing to give up their kidneys...

Coldplay, Bjork, Kid Rock, and Trent Reznor punk'd their fans yesterday.

David Cook canceled two shows due to a family crisis-- at last, entertainment news that probably isn't a joke!

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Forty million people tuned in to watch Obama's press conference. Yes, but what does it mean?

We're not sure what to say about the bank robber who rammed his getaway car into another car, fled, took a bus, taxi, and a ride from his sister, and was finally apprehened at home with a paltry four grand when he was forced to call 9-1-1. It turns out that he'd arrived home to find his roommate dead of an apparent suicide.

Oh no! A Three Stooges movie now?! Make it stop... and tell these actors we now officially hate them: Sean Penn, Jim Carrey, and Benicio del Toro.

These defense lawyers for Phil Spector would crack us up if they weren't helping psycho get away with second-degree murder.

Would you eat a 4,800 calorie burger? Would anyone?

Remember the guy who was busted in the act of having sex with a car wash vaccuum cleaner? Yeah, a mere 90 days for scarring those witnesses for life.

Skype is #1 in the world-- take that, AT&T.

A GOP whip chose the whip Britney Spears used onstage.

Chicago's St. Patrick's Day Parade is no more.

It's week 915 of the tabloids pretending Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up. But, for the first time ever, people are starting to believe it might be true.

And singer Elvis Crespo joined the Mile High Club... or so says this woman, who complained about it.

Jennifer Aniston Finally Speaks Out About Brad Pitt

Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

"You'll Still Pay Money To Come See Me"

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Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:19:00 GMT

The Britney Spears Concert Experience has always come off as a lame run-through of music that was immediately disposable, masked by "sexy" dancers and Kiss-inspired pyrotechnics. For all the "energy" Britney claims to have, it never translates publicly-- from lazy parenting to chewing gum with her mouth open and droning on about how great George Bush is, she can't seem to realize that people need to be impressed. That she isn't going to win over haters with her bad attitude and lack of enthusiasm for her own material should be obvious.

Those weaknesses are visible in this horrible concert performance from Tampa, Florida last night. At the end of "Slave 4 U" (lame, lame, lame), Brit appears to lose the bottom of her dress... according to the internet.

Starpulse and several other sources claim that at the end of this number (skip to the last ten seconds or so of the first clip), Britney's vagina popped out of her outfit... although we can't really see anything even when we blow the video up to fit the screen. UPDATE: Second clip doesn't confirm a slip, but does confirm what she said afterward:

[H]er leotard ripped, accidentally exposing her naked crotch to the audience.
The singer had just finished performing I'm A Slave 4 U and was being lowered beneath the stage when she revealed her costume blunder. Failing to realize her microphone as still on, she said, "My pussy was hanging out!" - causing the arena to erupt in laughter. But she refused to let the mishap hold up her set, with Spears completing her costume change and continuing on with the show. [Starpulse]

How do they know she wasn't talking to the audience? Just because she was being lowered down doesn't mean she thought her mic would be off. After all, this is Britney Spears we're talking about-- should we be surprised that she thought this revelation would be beneficial to the concert experience? Judging by her lackluster performance prior to the alleged slip, it shouldn't be any surprise that she doesn't really know what she's doing.

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While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble..

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

On this radio show discussing Obama having a beer at an NBA game, does it mean anything that some of these callers are against it?

Oh no... what we've always feared... High School Musical 4.

The last thing you want to do when you're running for public office is get yourself accused of sex crimes.

The cop who saved a bunch of lives in a Utah school shooting has pleaded no contest for having sex with a teenage girl while responding to a 9-1-1 call at her house.

Cook County Commissioner Mike Quigley will likely be the next Congressman from Illinois. Yep, another member of the Illinois government is heading to Washington...

Britney Spears launched her tour last night.

A woman called 9-1-1 three times in a row because her McDonald's didn't have any McNuggets.

Speaking of 9-1-1-- if you have a LG 830 Spyder, you seriously need to drop everything and read this.

Rupert Murdoch had his revenge on his biographer, who may be involved in a sex scandal.

And does it mean anything for the country at large if Apple laid off fifty workers yesterday?

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Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West Dresses Better Than the Gays

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

It turns out T.R. Knight isn't the only actor leaving the cast of Grey's Anatomy. Katherine Heigl is on her way out, too. [Defamer]

Rihanna, who was allegedly beat-up by her boyfriend Chris Brown, has been released from the hospital but is postponing a show she's set to play in Malaysia. [Yahoo!]

We're totally onboard for the Michael Phelps backlash-backlash. [Jossip]

Want to know what the hell kind of fertility clinic would inseminate a 33-year-old single mother of six with eight fucking more babies? [SNAFU-ed]

Britney Spears took her assistant back from the Jonas Brothers. Damn straight. [Us]

Media outlets are looking for sugar daddies to get them through the recession. Come to think of it, we wouldn't mind one, either. [DailyIntel]

Guys, Kanye West is just really secure with his manhood, okay? "There's a lot of gay people that I dress way better than." [MTV]

[Image]

Top 10 Bands That Twitter

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 22:51:00 GMT

Celebrities are becoming addicted to this horrible twat service, Twitter. If Britney Spears (allegedly) breaks her Salinger-like silence by using the free website to communicate with humans (ex-husband K-Fed doesn't count, seeing how he is a zombie), then is there nowhere for Twitter to go?

10. Rilo Kiley

Rilo Kiley in Legos >> http://tinyurl.com/234ch7

9. Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds

Excited for tonight. Jarvis [Cocker? -- Ed.] is coming by with daiquiri mix and a cardboard cutout of himself. You still up for a jam session, @andylevy?**

8. The Eagles of Death Metal

I love this tweezy thing.

7. The Dave Matthews Band

I wonder if snail farts smell if you're close enough to the snail's asshole to smell something so tiny?

6. Pearl Jam

wonders if Britney Spears having a Twitter is a jump-the-shark moment.

5. Ryan Adams and the Cardinals

Uploading new YouTube Holiday Hotel Jam of "Two"!
P.S. 2000 Followers! Thanks!

4. The Raconteurs

Vote for "Old Enough" on CMT Pure's 12-Pack Countdown http://tinyurl.com/p67st

3. AC/DC

Big announcement 1 or 2 weeks away..

2. R.E.M.

What song do you most want to hear the band do tonight? #rembowl Reply back to @remhq
Michael Stipe's 4th set of responses are up on popsongs - http://tinyurl.com/42rh4r

1. Sonic Youth

another one mixed : no way. are we done? a few fix-ups yet to work on tonight. work on the artwork is continuing.
"no, i wanna see the hairy gonads hanging fr yamaha spkrs"

Hopefully, next week's Top 10 list of our favorite musicians that Tweet will be more exciting. (Actually, we already know Tom Waits and Willie Nelson will be on there, so that's gotta count for something.)

Honorable Mention: The Beastie Boys and Guns 'N Roses. Both groups signed up for Twitter and have yet to make any updates.

**We acknowledge the Nick Cave Twitter is most likely a parody, yes.

Related:

( : 0

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Today is the Day the Music Died

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen in the Fight of Her Life

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Stephen Fry twittered about getting stuck in an elevator.

Here's a guide to touching boobs.

The latest "save the planet" theory? People should have more sex.

This jerk just won the right to attend a university even though he'd been banned from it for his disgusting feet stench. What, he couldn't just clean it up or cover the smell with super-awesome socks?

New York City is losing its loveable weirdos on an almost daily basis.

Thankfully, New York is still cool... in Legoland.

Zombies attacked Texas... now they're attacking Illinois!

Osama "Sam" Lufti is suing his former client, Britney Spears, and her wacky parents.

And Lily Allen learned that it's best not to even have a joke snowball fight with kids. The snowballs turned brutal and the cops were called in to arrest six children...

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

20 Most Amazing Coincidences... or Hoaxes?

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 15:15:00 GMT

We're barely even at the "attempting to wakeup" stage on this Monday morning, but luckily, Lily Allen has made another public faux pas that is quickly waking us up.

At this rate, we might even be able to operate heavy machinery or, even better, a margarita blender by noon...

Lily Allen, who has been telling the press about her "lesbian fantasies," took a swipe at G-A-Y fundraiser no-show Britney Spears by dressing up as Spears for an encore of "Womanizer" at the event over the weekend. The pop star, who as of today has a #1 single on the UK charts, dressed up in a sluttastic outfit that had the paparazzi like the attack dogs they most certainly are. A few of them tried to stick their cameras under her dress as she exited her car to sing at the event in Great Britain.

Fortunately for us, the Sun, the Daily Mail, and virtually ever other English publication caught the moment when she decided to sort of "moon" the crowd. We bring you only the highest quality source-- because you deserve it:

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie is doing well overseas-- hey, he has a career after all...

Judah Friedlander weighed in on the Super Bowl... before the game.

Barack Obama's brother was released from jail following a pot posession charge.

The latest victims in the newspaper crash: LA Times staffers.

The latest victims of Sarah Palin's constant white lies: Republicans.

Lisa Loeb is no longer a "#1 single."

This dumbass thinks someone will buy his 867-5309 number on ebay after telling the New York Times it gets hounded with prank calls.

The Transformers sequel had its trailer premiere during the Super Bowl.

Jennifer Hudson returned to the public eye for a dynamite performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.

Michael Phelps was busted by photographer and eyewitnesses getting stoned via "a marijuana pipe" at a South Carolina college party.

And we finally found someone with a more bizarre life(style) than Britney Spears: her ex, the guy she just slapped with a restraining order, Adnan Ghalib.

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Venus and Serena Williams Pretend Not to Enjoy Happy Streaker

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AskMen's Top 99 Women

Colleen Kane — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 22:32:00 GMT

Today is special not just because it's the day after the Inauguration. No: today also marks the debut of AskMen's Top 99 Women, as voted by more than ten million site visitors.

You can see all 99 over there, but here are my reactions:

--Tina Fey, number 97? Not sure if that's an "Ouch" or a sign of the gradual acceptance of nerdly woman hotness.

--I was picturing AskMen to look like About.com for some reason. Or maybe Ask Jeeves. Instead it's a site that took all the flame-filled black backgrounds from fallen lad magazines like FHM. Dark red + black = MANLY WEBSITE DESIGN.

--Britney Spears, number 90: "Is she on this list because of guilt? Nope, she's on this list because all of a sudden, she's desirable again."

--Who's the lady in this photo? Stella Ebanks, Miss Number 17. No idea who she is, but I was distracted by her shiny curly outfit.

--Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba, who I kind of get mixed up, are ranked in a row 16 and 15 respectively. Does that men everyone else mixes them up, too?

--Wait whaaaat? I was shocked by number one:

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Tina Fey for Oscars Host 2009!!!

Images: AskMen.com

How Not to Use the Internet After Committing a Crime

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:46:00 GMT

Facebook and MySpace have been leading cops to crooks for years. Recently, one woman turned in a guy she was about to go on a first date with because she found discovered, via a web search, that he had an FBI warrant out for his arrest.

This story is the first case we've heard of where the suspect initially incriminated himself by performing a Google search...

A San Francisco investment banker with quite a history of DUIs was out driving on January 11th 2005 when he hit, and killed 55-year-old Gurdeep Kaur. Lee Harbert, the driver fled the scene.

The story that Mr Herbert stuck to was that he hit a deer. Releasing him from the need to stop and assist with whatever he had just ran over. Originally police reports were for a burgandy Jaguar, and Lee’s was black. No way it could have been him.

The cops weren't sure he was their man, since his car had been cleaned up...

Police later searched his house and computer. They searched his recent queries in Google and found these recent search terms: “auto parts, auto dealers out-of-state; auto glass, Las Vegas; auto glass reporting requirements to law enforcement, auto theft.” [Yeah, That's Odd]

But that's not what will ultimately convict the guy. Harbert's later search included the words "hit and run," followed by his looking up a news story about his own hit and run. Of course, we've heard plenty of instances of teachers, already arrested, being convicted of sex with underage students after their internet histories revealed such memorable phrases as "sex laws between teachers and students" and "laws against underage sex." But this is definitely the first case we can think of where a guy was arrested because of his internet searches.

By the way, the guy is now serving three years in the pen.

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Sloppy Seconds: Lilo Sets the Record Straight

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 00:01:00 GMT

We've all been living happily under the assumption that Mad Men will return for a third season (it's half the reason we broke down and got cable) but even after winning a Golden Globe, the show's creator Matthew Weiner doesn't "even know if it's happening." [DailyIntel]

Smith Magazine has released a follow-up to its best selling Six Word Memoir Book. This one is about love and heartbreak. [TheFrisky]

As the Pussycat Dolls gear up for another tour, we wish hard that they'd disappear. [MTV]

Even after her marriage to ~~gay~~ country star Kenny Chesney failed, Renee Zellweger is open to marrying again. [Us]

We will marry the first man who takes us on the New Kids on the Block cruise. [People]

Despite speculation that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson broke up and rumors that they didn't and news stories that they did, Lilo sets the record straight in "Life & Style": “We never broke up. People don’t have to be together every second. It’s healthy to miss someone, and if you’re in it for the long run, it’s good to know that.” [FadedYouth]

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PapSmeared: Britney Left Her Bra in 2008, Picked Up a Shirt From 1997

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:28:00 GMT

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Which "Dancing With the Stars" Star Will Pose for Playboy?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 23:06:00 GMT

How many things are wrong with this picture? Britney Spears' dad Jamie has been making about $10,000 to "look after her," but he just got a raise of $51,000 a year, making about $75 an hour to babysit his daughter. [People]

Barack Obama has chosen to use Abraham Lincoln's Bible for his swearing in. [Radar]

If you were an editor at the New York Times and the mayor of Paris sent you a letter criticizing the prospect of Caroline Kennedy taking over Hillary Clinton's Senate seat, wouldn't you just check to make sure it was really from the mayor of Paris? Maybe? Oops. [Jossip]

Sometimes we forget just how skinny celebrities are. You know, celebs like.... Billy Bob Thornton? [NYDN]

Today, we went looking for a music video we could have sworn we saw just a few short days ago on YouTube. Could it be gone because Warner music has pulled all of its artists' videos from the site? [Yahoo!]

45-year-old mother of two and Dancing With the Stars alum Lisa Rinna will pose yet again for Playboy, according to Extra. [FadedYouth]

[Image]

Britney Wants a Breast Reduction

Colleen Kane — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 18:15:00 GMT

Britney's having trouble keeping the girls in check and fitting into old costumes, like her red PVC number from the "Oops, I Did it Again" video. Here's what she has to say about her love-hate relationship with her hallowed hooters.

"At the moment I hate them. I want them smaller...I'm tempted to have a breast reduction so I can slink into some amazing stage outfits for my next set of shows. I know they look sexy but sometimes they get in the way."

We can expect a tsunami-level uproar in the media immediately.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Can You Say Boobies? No? How About Boobs?

Boobpedia: The Encyclopedia of Big Boobs

Via News.com.au

Image: DailyMail.co.uk

The Top 10 Yahoo Searches of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:28:00 GMT

We never understand why year-end best of polls come out before the year is over (meaning: we understood that the media tries to capitalize on the year before everyone stops carrying, but not why anyone accepts them as fact.) Top 10 movies, as polled by the critics who have seen all the year's releases already, but what if there's a major prostitution scandal and everyone starts looking up someone named Joanna Esmerelda Dupois in absurd numbers?

Yahoo isn't worried about our pesky little inquiries. It has already released their top 10 list for 2008 and although we've already revealed their #1 choice, once we caught wind of the runner-ups, we felt an overwhelming urge to burden you with this information...

10. American Idol. You mean, people don't get enough of this shit in its four hours per week?

9. Angelina Jolie. Must've been those $14 million baby pictures everyone was trying to catch a glimpse of without having to buy a tabloid magazine. Say hello to the free world wide web, People.

8. Lindsay Lohan. She would've been our guess for the #1 slot, which shows you how much we know about what men find most attractive.

7. Naruto. Apparently, some sort of cartoon character. See #8.

6. Jessica Alba. Yes, she has her assets, but none of them include talent, interesting personality, or newsmaking lifestyle. Why, why, why?

5. RuneScape. We're starting to feel a little bit left out of the loop here...

4. Miley Cyrus. We're almost relieved to see Hannah, scion of the Montana's, on this rundown, for reasons of familiarity only.

3. Barack Obama. Here's hoping the most popular related searches do not include the phrases "is a Muslim" or "and mom's nude photos."

2. WWE. Scary... although we figured eight-year-old boys are computer-trained these days...

1. Britney Spears. What hasn't been said already about a woman who was a has-been at age 7 and hasn't done a damn thing worth paying attention to since? Let's make this her last appearance on this or any list, please...

Via Yahoo.

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Caption This: Britney is Keeping Her Kids This Time

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:16:00 GMT

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: The Curious Case of 130,000 Missing Breasts

Emily Farris — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 22:47:00 GMT

Sometimes headlines really do just write themselves: "Indiantown man accused of assaulting girlfriend with hot sweet potato pie." [Sun Sentinel]

Patrick Swayze says that contrary to news reports he's winning the fight against pancreatic cancer. To those who reported otherwise, we say nobody puts Patrick's pancreas in a corner! [Yahoo!]

Happy Britney Spears Day! Not only is she the most Googled person for four years running, it's her 27th birthday. Looks like she made it... [MollyGood]

Soulja Boy has gone on record saying that "Supermanning a Ho" is not something that one can actually do. We know better. [Vulture]

Is giving him money and electing him not enough? Barack Obama is never going to stop asking us for money, is he? At least if we do it now, we get a snazzy scarf. [Barack Obama]

OMG! Chuck and Vanessa were totes caught kissing at the Dallas airport. Sorry, that's Gossip Girl talk. [Us]

Brad Pitt says he'll let his kids decide whether or not he and Agelina Jolie should get married. Srsly? (Sorry, more Gossip Girl talk). [People]

The Australian men's magazine Ralph planned an inflatable-breast giveaway promotion with their January issue, but the shipment of 130,000 boobs was lost at sea! [YBNBY]

While You Were Sleeping: Who's #1 on Yahoo?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 15:07:00 GMT

Our server had some issues this morning, but we're up and running now...

A woman showed her daughter's friend how to have sex. You know, liberal-sex-ed style.

Did you miss Hillary Clinton's historic moment?

Darwin couldn't be happier: two guys stole a car, got into a shootout with the po-po, and ended up in a high-speed chase on the wrong side of the highway, where they rammed another car head on. The other car? Stolen.

Ray Winstone approves of his daughter Jaime's nude scenes (see above photo.) In fact, he can't wait to-- yuck-- watch them.

A Colorado man is being sued by his ex-girlfriend and her attorney for libelous comments he made in the Rants and Raves section of Craigslist.

A woman was arrested in Nigeria for burning her servant's penis after the 18-year-old took off with some of her money.

It's a sad state of affairs when someone as boring and unattractive as Britney Spears tops Yahoo's most-searched list for the fourth year in a row. Guys, it's time to find someone more interesting to fantasize about.

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 10-6

Dad Nobly Defends Son Against Rape Charges... Oh, Wait...

Mom Films Her Boyfriend Having Sex with Her 13-Year-Old Daughter

The English Are Still Too Prudish To Appreciate Nudity

Sloppy Seconds: Divorce for Amy Winehouse?

Emily Farris — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 22:57:00 GMT

Be sure to go outside tonight. And then look up: A slender crescent moon, just 15-percent illuminated, will appear in very close proximity to the two brightest planets in our sky, Venus and Jupiter. Pretty! [Yahoo!]

This article, exploring the best age for sex, rubs our inner fuddy-duddy the wrong way: "And here's another bombshell the survey uncovered with which Mr Hefner might concur: ditching your long-term partner for someone new when you turn 40 is said to guarantee that you'll cash in on the sexual revolution. In other words, by getting a new brawn when you're about to experience a mid-life crisis means you'll be happier in the sack than you ever were before." [Sydney Morning Herald]

Is 30 Rock completely out of good guest stars? Let's let Larry King be the judge of that. [Vulture]

Y'all: Britney Spears' family didn't fuck her up. Her break-up with Justin Timberlake did. [Us]

Yes, Virginia, there is a liberal media. And yeah, it may have favored Barack Obama. [Yahoo!]

Blake Fielder Civil, otherwise known as Blake Incarcerated or Mr. Amy Winehouse, thinks it might be time to let his lady love go. You know, for her own good. [People]

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Leftover Edition

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 18:14:00 GMT

More like: While You Were Eating...

Britney Spears' diet consists mainly of "Taco Bell and turkey jerky washed down with Red Bull." Now that's a Thanksgiving dinner we can get behind!

The 2009 Pretty in Mink calendar features supposed conservatives pretending to be glamorous.

Since InTouch is a waste of hopefully recyclable paper, we can't be sure if this Angelina Jolie news is true...

According to InTouch, Saint Angie told everyone the news when a waiter tried to pour her ass a booze drink at a restaurant in London. Brad Pitt gave Angie Jo the side-eye because he wasn't ready to go public with the news [that she's pregnant again.]

Enjoy the above photo of Tina Fey now... because this pic of her may traumatize you for life.

Karl Rove... closet Obama fan? By the way, the transition team has received almost 300,000 resumes so far.

And your comic relief: New Jersey police responded to an alarm at a bank after hours and, seeing what appeared to be a person inside, they evacuated nearby apartments, surrounded the bank, and began making requests through a megaphone. Later on, they realized the person was actually a cardboard cutout.

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Caption This: Dad to Britney "_________"

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 20:23:00 GMT

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: What Men Think Women Think Men Want

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Shots were fired at the motorcades of the Presidents of Georgia and Poland, although no one was hit.

A drag queen hosted a Miss Texas pageant, to the obvious horror of parents.

A boy in Florida was arrested for something heinous. No, we mean the reason he was arrested was heinous. Oh, never mind, you'll see:

Maybe the 13-year-old student at Martin County's Spectrum Junior/Senior High thought he was being funny by repeatedly and purposely passing gas during computer class.
His teacher, D.C. Carden, didn't bust a gut over the boy's breaking wind - not to mention his continuous turning off classroom computers - so he gave the boy a referral and sent him packing to the school resource officer for a little talk. "He subsequently informed me it was factual, and I informed him as a result of his behavior he was being charged with Disruption of a School Function,"

The boy was arrested for farting. He was released to his mom. No word on what he did in the car on the way home. [Blogs.Tampabay.com]

A teacher denied an inappropriate relationship with a young girl... until the girl was found in his closet. Whoops.

Hate crime is on the rise in Utah, down everywhere else.

A town near Barcelona is using solar panels atop gravestones to power itself.

They finally caught the Butt Bandit we warned you about.

11 Things He Wants From You, according to a male writer at MSN.

Boris Becker was dumped by text message. The woman in question was his fiancee.

And Madonna wants Britney Spears to move into her place... as some sort of ploy to get her back into Kabbalah... or something.

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Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 22:19:00 GMT

After male superhero movie after male superhero movie after male superhero movie, Wonder Woman is finally going to the big screen—except not. It's going straight to DVD. And it's animated. [Jezebel]

Britney Spears equates her life to a jail sentence. [People]

Is Nicole Kidman going to be the next star to quit the biz? Yawn. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson Wentz are still waiting for that baby to pop out. [MTV]

Courtney Love would like you to know she's not suicidal after a crazy death rant on her MySpace blog. [Us]

Britney Spears, No Longer Toxic

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 15:33:00 GMT

We've spent our fair share of time making fun of Britney Spears. She's an easy target, we admit. But right now, as it stands, she gets the blue ribbon for being the comeback kid. The publicity shots for her new album Circus are not only cute and sexy, we think they're actually real this time.

True, it's a little too airbrushed, but she would have fit in so well at the Nerve & Hendrick's Gin party last month.

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We Haven't Seen Britney Spears This Animated in Years (Har, Har)

About Last Night: Pictures from the Nerve and Hendrick's Gin Burlesque Party

The Nerve Nerds Know How to Party Pretty, Too

While You Were Sleeping: Female Charles Manson on the Loose

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:58:00 GMT

Here's the strangest story you'll read all day: a man faces five years in an Arizona jail for being an illegal immigrant, which was proved in part by his handwriting sample.

Britney's son is out of the hospital.

If these two end up on Hannah Montana, we might actually try to find out what channel that show's on...

Barack Obama's daughters, Sasha and Malia, have been invited to appear on Disney's "Hannah Montana" show, Billy Ray Cyrus told "Access Hollywood." [MTV News]

Ever wanted to check out Einstein's FBI file? All 1,400+ pages of it?

Republicans in Minnesota are willing to eat their own Secretary of State if he doesn't get on the Stop The Voting bandwagon.

The female Charles Manson is a manipulative socio/psychopath and she's on the loose.

Caption this photo of Barack Obama and President Bush.

And here's something you'll enjoy: the 20 Wildest Reactions to Obama's Victory.

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Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:43:00 GMT

You ever hear a friend raving and drooling about a celebrity that you check out and say, "Why the hell are you attracted to that person?" (Fess up, Backstreet Boys anti-fans.)

Sometimes it's the media trying to make a hottie out of a starlet or reality show contestant forced on them by an overworked publicist. Or it's a massively successful makeup team turning a Plain Jane/Joe into a model so that the readers of Us Weekly can reassure themselves that they, too, can be prince(sse)s.

First up: the Ladies Edition.

5. Ivanka Trump. The fact that she's even related to the Donald is strike one-- strike two are the similar features to him, which is too creepy for us. Nonetheless, she's classy, self-assured, and apparently without a monstrous ego, which is more than we can say for most people.

4. Angie Stone. Great singer, looks snazzy in a hat, and her music doesn't depress the shit out of us. That's all gotta account for something. But, as with the rest of these choices, we can't decide whether she's attractive or not.

3. Mariah Carey. This would've been a no-brainer if we'd showed a screenshot of her video for the "Fantasy" single (maybe it's being brought up on The Dukes of Hazzard, but we've always had a thing for jean shorts and short shorts), but nowadays, with the fake boobs, terrible movies, and the other fiascos, we're not feelin' it anymore...

2. Nicky Hilton. We're learning toward the "not" on the "Hot or Not" scale of things, but it does help that she has beautiful eyes and is not her sister in almost every imaginable way, which probably makes her more appealing than she would be otherwise.

1. Alanis Morrisette. How many times have you gone out with someone and kept it going because you thought the person was an awesome conversationalist and you didn't want to lose that? That's the likely predicament we'd find ourselves in if we ever ended up dating Alanis-- she's well-read, world weary, and able to hold her own over a couple of vodka cranberry's until the wee hours... which may be why we'd rather best friend her than anything else. (Con: She dated Ryan Reynolds. Ouch.)

(P.S. We didn't include Britney Spears on this list because there's no question that she is not currently appealing on any level.)

What do you think? Are we crazy for not wanting to get it on with all these very pretty women? And who did we miss?

Top photo (of Charlize Theron) via Esquire. By the way, in case you were wondering, Charlize Theron is unquestionably hot.

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