Scanner : breast implants

Today in WTF: Mom Tries To Shame Her Daughter Into Getting Breast Implants

Emily Farris — Mon, 04 May 2009 20:04:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: We've always had a semi-tortured relationship with MTV's True Life documentaries (who could forget the harrowing "I'm Addicted to Crystal Meth" episode of '02? Or the oddly chilling "I Self-Injure" episode of '07?), but it's been a while since we've been as all-out horrified by one as we were this weekend during "I Hate My Small Breasts" in which Nicole, mother to 18 year old Shacole, tries to shame her daughter into getting breast implants.

Read more...

Sloppy Seconds: Free Boobs!

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 23:36:00 GMT

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has a penchant for pretty women (what politician doesn't?). And it's a source of "suffering" for his wife, Veronica Lario, she wrote in an open letter. [Yahoo!]

Simon Cowell joked that he's "secretly in love" with fellow American Idol judge Paula Abdul. And we wouldn't be all that surprised if he jerked off to the "Cold Hearted Snake" video back in the day... or if he still does. [Us]

After her double mastectomy, breast cancer survivor Christina Applegate says she still feels sexy, especially because her boyfriend, Dutch bass player Martyn Lenoble loves her "from head to toe." [People]

Is there no more bromance in the world? Chace Crawford is apparently looking to move out of the pad he shares with Gossip Girl co-star Ed Westwick. [PageSix]

Everyone can stop worrying about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. They're taking the necessary precautions to prevent catching swine flu (the swine flu?) while on their honeymoon in Mexico. Whew. We know we'll sleep better tonight knowing they're okay. [MTV]

Did California pageant officials buy homophobic Miss California, Carrie Prejean, new breasts? And if so, how do we get some? [Defamer]

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson's Mistresses

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:31:00 GMT

Why are there snakes on this motherfuckin' plane?

Child labor is real and undeniably so after these photographs.

A woman turned the tables on a man who tried to rob her: she made him her sex slave.

Hey that woman from the Dominos story turns out to be a sex offender.

Will Ferrell did Man Vs. Wild.

The stupidest quote of the year is officially Hulk Hogan saying he "totally understands OJ."

Another reason to not get implants: the doctor might be using veterinary equipment.

Rush Limbaugh's ten dumbest quotes. How ever did they narrow it down? How ever did they listen to it long enough to hear all these?

And the Mel Gibson mistresses are starting to come out of the works.

American Woman: The Presidential Mistress

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Barack Obama's "Gay Sex Scandal" Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

B-List British Celebrities Finally Realizing Fake Boobs Won't Help Anything

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 16:31:00 GMT

The Sun and The Daily Mail are competing today, as always, over who has the better stor(ies) about Grade-Z reality show stars with breast implants.

One thing everyone seems to agree on is that the tide has turned against gigantic boobs on the isle across the pond...

We reported earlier on B-list model Kerry Katona having her implants removed for a charitable eBay auction. Now comes the story of Chantelle Houghton, a former contestant on Celebrity Big Brother (why she was considered a celebrity before the show, we're not entirely sure), broke out from the show when she underwent a makeover, divorce, and boob job all in a row. Now, she says, maybe that wasn't the world's greatest plan:

'They're just too big. Now I just want to hide them. I thought I wanted to go up to that size and I loved them at the time, but now I wish I'd never had them done.'
'I'm very bad at making decisions and I just change my mind really quickly, so I do regret it now. Looking back, I did it for the attention. I realise it was a cry for help.'
She now visits a physio twice a week for back pain caused by the heavy implants.
She has said: 'They're taking over my life.'

Meanwhile, singer Michelle Heaton skipped the boob job, but kept the makeover and divorce, and is now the darling of all British tabloids. Could this headlining story today-- which was about a simple photo shoot spoofing Cindy Crawford's recent Allure spread-- be a sign of things to come for Britain?

The former Liberty X singer - ever the publicity-lover - slipped into a midriff-baring cut-out swimsuit and energetically tore up a loaf of white bread in an effort to recreate the supermodel's latest photoshoot which appeared in Allure magazine last month.
Michelle is apparently enjoying a new burst of confidence after losing two stone on a strict no-carb diet and is eager to show off the results.

Before you get all excited that Britain is now into healthy body images, check out this ad series from fake-boobed Lucy Pinder. These have been playing again recently and are still sweeping the nation...

Via the Daily Mail: here and here.

Related:

eBay Removes Kerry Katona's Breast Implant

Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Audrina Partridge Already Reduced to Nude Advertisements

A New World Record Bustline

Botulism, Abortion, And A Woman's Right To Choose

Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:13:00 GMT

A blog covering the town of Burien, Washington, which is near Seattle and has a mere 31,000 residents, announced yesterday that a strip club is moving into a space that once housed an Office Depot. Normally, we could care less about this development, except our eyes fell straight to the words "strippers on Segways..."

Of course, it's definitely an April Fool's joke.

What, we can't goof on ya just because April Fool's Day was yesterday? Listen, we don't need no stinkin' calendar to tell us when to have a laugh at the world's expense. Plus, there's not much else happening right now except news stories about how everyone was duped by news stories yesterday (yeah, right-- the world's bullshit detector is always on high alert for 4/1.)

Here's the bizarre and obvious passage:

The new club, to be called “Red Light Runners” will... feature the latest trend in adult entertainment - Strippers on Segways.
“In this economy, you take what you can get,” said Real Estate agent Fred Nathanian, who brokered the deal. “But what would you rather have - an empty building with no tax revenue, or a hopping high-tech girly bar with lots of cashflow, especially in the form of neatly-folded ones and fives?”

“Red Light Runners” is owned by Frank “Red” Flexxxamaria, an “entertainment agent” who has built a successful chain of Segway clubs in the Portland area.

“Burien needs some adult fun, doncha tink?” Colamaria said while chewing a cigar and showing off the new club’s recently-installed polystyrene dance track. “Not only will Red Light Runners have a wholesome, high-tech all-nude adult club, we’ll have a first-class all-beef and hardcrust-bread restaurant, free wi-fi, a sexy drive-thru espresso stand, 10-cent color copy happy hours on a Brother CDW-4070 wireless laser printer weekdays from 4-7pm, strippers and servers on Segways, and a fun, dark and cozy Daycare Center for the kids. Now you find me another place like dat around here…”

Amazingly enough, even with quotes from a guy with three x's in his name, some commenters were worried it was real:

-This is an april fool's joke right? Absolutely ridiculous.

-I hope this is an April Fools Joke also? This would be terrible for Burien!

-Gosh I hope this is an April Fools joke too...yikes....empty space beats a strip joint any day.
-why would it be bad for burien ????......i'm sure it is an april fools joke...but if not the girlfriend and i will be there..............(crossing fingers)

Us, too, buddy... although minus the girlfriend aspect...

Via B-Townblog.

PETA Celebrates Mother's Day With Caged Pregnant Ladies

Coke Ad Offends the Entire Country of Sweden

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Slimy Married Dude Thinks His Sneaky Strip Club Visits Are A Good Thing

Audrina Partridge Already Reduced to Nude Advertisements

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

Audrina Partridge is gearing up to star in a (hilariously awful!) spinoff of (the hilariously awful!) MTV fiction show The Hills.

Partridge and her ridiculous breast implants are apparently worthy of their own sitcom, since Partridge was such an exciting addition to The Hills that the 30-program could hardly cram in all her personal and professional trials and tribulations. Those mainly consisted of sitting around a pool, talking in an annoying voice, and not pretending to get married in Mexico.

So, MTV decided it can't have Partridge promote her upcoming series by going on "talk" shows, because it doesn't want to scare off its last two potential viewers. Instead, Partridge landed a deal with Divine Rights of Denim jeans, which continues the trend of having celebrity spokespeople pose nude to advertise their lame products...

Have we vented enough yet? Good.

By the way, the ads are above and directly below, followed by what you really clicked on this for: the lost nude Audrina Partridge photos.

More of the Divine Rights shoot here.

The Best Job in the World? Carnival Body Painters

Top 5 Threesome Sex Scenes

PapSmeared: CoCo, Another Year Older and Another Year ______

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:41:00 GMT

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eBay Removes Kerry Katona's Breast Implant

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 17:04:00 GMT

Kerry Katona did two things right: one, she went on MTV in the UK and had her 34-double-G's removed. Those fake boobs were ridiculous and very unattractive (to our minds.)

The second thing she did was even more inspired-- she autographed one of those implants and put it on eBay for The Breast Cancer Campaign...

According to Fox News, which we will quote from here so you don't have to give them any of your page views, eBay then did the dumbest thing imaginable: it pulled the auction.

"The implant was on eBay and I believe the idea was to raise money for Breast Cancer Campaign," a rep for the charity told Tarts. "However eBay have now taken the item off because people were putting fake bids in, £8 million ($11.34 million US) at one point."

But according to eBay it wasn’t bogus bidders that resulted in the item being removed, it was actually Katona who broke the rules.

"Our policy team weighed in and said that this auction was removed for the Charity Violation contained within the item description as there was no letter of written consent by eBay's Office of the President to allow the item to be sold under our Charity guidelines," an eBay rep told Tarts.

Oh, shut up, eBay. You're just a bunch of conservative whimps that always side with the ripoff artists when they claim to have never received expensive items from honest sellers. And your conservative founder is running to further ruin the state of California as a Republican governor. eBay, you should know, we have negative feedback to give you.

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Normal Breasts Gallery Bums Us Out

Michelle Williams Strips, Seduces, Enjoys...

From the Annals of Boobs...

The Rise and Fall of Lindsay Lohan

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

We try not to dwell on the weight fluctuations of celebrities, since our greatest collective fear on this blog is-- shot in the dark-- that someone will point out our own problems with bacon cheeseburgers and failed diet plans.

But when the entire internet is worried that Lindsay Lohan is starving herself to death, we really have no choice but to investigate. Thankfully, we didn't have to spend all our waking hours on this or stare too hard at the evidence... it's pretty clear from this topless shoot Lohan did recently for Hedi Slimane that there's at least one thing wrong with her...

Drumroll, rimshot... she has fake boobs.

For years, scientists and other observers (i.e. mean bloggers) have commented that Lindsay's bust enhanced at precisely the time she transitioned to "adult" roles. (Unfortunately, not that kind of "adult" role.) No one could say definitively... until now, at least, according to those same mean bloggers. They're playing the "told you so" song and pointing out that the new ultra-skinny Lindsay should have sagging breasts, what with all the weight loss.

In other words, if we were going to title this article more inappropriately, it would be headlined: "The Rise and Rise of Lindsay Lohan's Boobs."

Here's what they're referring to-- the only two boob pictures from the shoot:

What do you think? Does this prove, disprove, or have no bearing on the theories? Also, um, should we give her one of our bacon cheeseburgers or something? Disturbing stuff...

Via Hedi Slimane's website.

Related:

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Sloppy Seconds: Why Sam Won't Leave Lindsay

Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

PapSmeared: Brooke Hogan Spends Daddy's Money on More Stuff She Doesn't Need

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 16:21:00 GMT

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Skull Spikes, Arm Ears and 5 Other Things We'll Never Do To Our Bodies

Ina Maier — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 21:30:00 GMT

Let's get one thing out of the way: we have nothing against tattoos, piercings, or whatever weird shit you want to do to your body on your own time. Some of us even have tattoos, piercings, and weird shit that we did to our body on our own time. However, that isn't to say that sometimes, some things just really cross the line. Welcome to Cracked's list of the 8 Most Horrifying Body Modifications.

While a few things on the list came as no surprise, such as Subdermal Implants -- we've seen too many 20/20 re-runs on the Lizard Man to find weird bumps shocking* -- there were a few things on the list that, as a result of their accompanying images, have left us permanently wincing. Namely, #7: Corset Piercings (see image above). Apparently, the point of this is to stab yourselves as many parallel times as possible so as to be able to daintily lace yourself up like some sort of masochistic corset. Besides being absolute terrifying to look at, the worst part is that "the piercings are usually only temporary and will almost inevitably degrade into swollen, infected, nasty holes." Look, we know burlesque is all hip right now, but really?

And if corsets are too tame, you could always try Skull Implants, which are metal spikes sticking out of your head. Which are obtained by drilling holes in your skull, sticking metal plugs in the holes, and then screwing large and obtrusive spikes into those. Like this!

And lastly, if you're more into utterly useless and just downright creepy body mutilations, you can always have an extra ear grown in a lab using cultured cells, then have that implanted into, oh, say, your forearm.

Everybody say hooray for arm-ears!

You can check the rest out over on Cracked (including extraocular implants or, as we like to call them, creepy things lodged in your eyeballs, as well as fake mini-boobs!), but first we wanna know if you a) have any of these things or b) have something even weirder. Because that stuff is important to us. Really.

Images via.

Related:

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TSA Forces Woman to Remove Nipple Rings

Sam and Lilo Sittin' in a Tattoo Parlor... I.N.K.I.N.G.

Totally Awsome Misspelled Tattoos

Caption This: Sometimes You Feel Like a Boob, Sometimes You Don't

Emily Farris — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 20:14:00 GMT

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Hot or Not: Jodie Marsh's Boobs?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:07:00 GMT

Lest we forget that Britain has its own terrible reality show (stars) that never cross the Atlantic, this is Jodie Marsh of the UK's Celebrity Big Brother. (We'll trade anyone on America's Next Top Model for any of yours, guys, at least so we can have a change of pace.)

She is the subject of much debate, mainly because she presents the usual annoying paradox in the sense that, much like the boy whose father is killed in a car crash but can't be operated on because the surgeon is his mother, Jodie Marsh is a person with gigantic bosoms who we'd normally enjoy having sex with except she is totally repulsive^.

So, your Hot or Not work assignment for today (you know, rather than actually doing work) is not just about Jodie Marsh's boobs. It's about whether Jodie Marsh herself is hot or whether or not a) fake boobs mean she's automatically not, b) boobs this fake mean she's automatically not, or c) being this annoying means she's still not automatically not hot. Confused? Never mind, just let us know if she's hot or not.

Marry Me Jodie Marsh was launched with the teaser "I'm getting married this September... Only problem is that I don't have a man!". Men were invited to submit an application for a series of open auditions for the chance to marry Marsh that September. MTV filmed the search and subsequent wedding.^[7]

The reality series featuring Marsh entitled Totally Jodie Marsh: Who'll Take Her Up the Aisle?, premiered in July of 2007 documenting Marsh's search to find a husband.^[8]Marsh eventually chose Matt Peacock, an ex-boyfriend of fellow glamour model Jordan.^[9]

[Except...] In the final episode of the show, MTV executives confronted Marsh and Matt Peacock with taped footage of Peacock's audition claiming he and Marsh had been dating for months and living together for three months, contrary to the show's claims. "I'm not hiding the fact I did the TV show for money. Of course I did". ^[14]
On Friday 13 January, Marsh was first to be voted out of the Big Brother house — with 8 out of 10 possible nominations (the highest ever margin)... She cried during her post-eviction interview with Davina McCall describing the experience as "horrific" and her housemates as "vile jealous bullies".^[5]

Um. We'll pass, thanks.

Via the Superficial.

Related:

Hot or Not: Michael Musto's Lindsay Lohan's Marilyn Monroe

Hot or Not: PETA Protests?

Hot or Not: 32K Boobs?

Hot Or Not: Skinny Actresses

Hot Or Not: Jamie Lee Curtis: The Results

^it's ridiculous that we have to say this, but... "we're kidding..."

Maxi Mounds And Her Boobs Break Guinness Record...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 16:22:00 GMT

...but when you learn which record it is, you may become grossed out to the max.

As reported on the Playboy blog:

a stripper from Sarasota has been officially recognized as having the world's largest implants. Her Guinness World Records certificate reads:

"Maxi Mounds (USA) was measured at Sarasota, Florida, USA, on 4 February 2005 and found to have an under breast measurement of 91.44 cm (36 in) and an around chest-over-nipple measurement of 153.67 cm (60.5 in). She currently wears a US size 42M bra (UK 42J)"

Good Lord, this woman's implants weigh 20 pounds... each. Does she want to be a hunchback at the age of 51? Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Ouch. Even more painful are photos of the breasts in all their glory:

Why Guinness felt these were boobs to be noted for anything short of a Darwin Award, we're not entirely sure. Maybe they need the publicity or something? According to Wikipedia:

Mounds' implants are polypropylene string breast implants, which irritate the breast tissue, causing them to grow continuously as they fill with fluid. She approached Guinness in August 2003, but the category did not yet exist. After creating the category, Guinness contacted her to request documentation of her measurements.

Thanks, but we'll stick to awarding every possible available natural-breasted woman sex before we go anywhere near this individual.

Via Playboy.

Fake or Not? Two Breasts, One Correct Answer

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 16:48:00 GMT

We snatched this pic from the website Fake or Not which thrives on the very simple idea that some breasts are fake, some are not and you can't necessarily tell the difference. We played their sick, twisted game and got 152 points. That is not a very good score for people who pride themselves on being good judges of the breastage.

So, what do you think? Silicone or homegrown? Answer (and a closer look) below.

They're fake! We know! Totally ridiculous.

George Clooney's Ex Posing Nude For Playboy?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:31:00 GMT

Sarah Larson, the Vegas cocktail waitress recently ditched by George Clooney, allegedly after getting breast implants, is now up for the cover of Playboy...

"She likes her new body so much that she would consider posing for Playboy," the source claims. Sarah's "rep" denies the rumor.

Like George, we're strongly against breast implants-- at best, they only attract the wrong type of guys-- but we're even more against ex-reality show stars (Larson won "Fear Factor") becoming A-list (or even C-list) stars... hopefully, George will next choose someone who doesn't need to do a nude pictoral as breakup revenge. A classy person deserves another classy person, no?

Via the Post-Chronicle.

Sheyla Hershey and Her 34FFF Boobs May Be in for a World of Hurt

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 13 May 2008 20:45:00 GMT

This is Brazilian model Sheyla Hershey. She has really big boobs. But she wants REALLY big boobs. Like the biggest in the world. Right now Hershey holds the world's record for the biggest breast implants, but she's traveled to Texas in order to have more implants and bust (sorry!) the world record for the world's largest breasts.

Of course, life is not always so simple. Sheyla may not enjoy the world's largest breasts once she gets them. Hell, she may not get them at all. Texas law prohibits implants with more than 1,000 cubic centimeters of silicone for fear of scar tissue.

Turns out humungous breasts, even though they are Sheyla's "dream inside," can be pretty uncomfortable. Just ask all the women who have breast reductions because of chronic back pain. But, after watching the video below, and witnessing her determination, our money is on Sheyla and her gigantic tatas breaking that record and living her dream.

Miss Bimbo Is Missunderstood (By Feminazis)

Katie Halper — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 13:10:00 GMT

Scanner Brian already broke the story about the "Miss Bimbo" video game, which describes itself as a “virtual fashion game for girls.” But I wanted to take a moment to defend the game from the Feminazis who are attacking it. First of all, a little about the game. When the game encourages its players to "stop at nothing" to win, what exactly does that mean?

When you sign up to play the game, you are given a naked female character and encouraged to compete against other players to become “hottest, coolest, most famous bimbo in the whole world.” The game coaches the players-- whose age ranges from 7-17– to “stop at nothing,” not even “meds or plastic surgery,” to win. Missions include buying and taking diet pills which cost 100 bimbo dollars. You can even eat “every now and then” but you must stay “waif thin.” Another mission you are given is to find a rich boyfriend:

Bimbo dollars is ‘the cabbage,’ ‘bread,’ the ‘mula’ you’ll need to buy nice things and to get by in bimbo world. To earn some bimbo cash you will have to (gasp) work or find a boyfriend to be your sugar daddy and hook you up with a phat expense account!

And of course, no game called Miss Bimbo would be complete without encouraging their young female players to get breast implants, which will cost you 11,500 bimbo dollars, but get you 2,000 bimbo attitudes, which is sooo worth it.

Now before any man haters get their panties in a bunch or call the game sexist, vile, and exploitative, just know that the male creators of the game say it’s “harmless fun.” In fact, according to the creators, the game is helpful eduction:

It is not a bad influence for young children. They learn to take care of their bimbos. The missions and goals are morally sound and teach children about the real world…. The breast operations are just one part of the game and we are not encouraging young girls to have them, just reflecting real life.

Women Pays For Implants Entirely With Online Donations

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 15:30:00 GMT

Why a woman in a with a "supportive" and understanding boyfriend, not to mention a child, needs breast implants to feel better about herself, and why her man isn't alarmed, is beyond us. Then again, we (Scanner Bryan not included) have never been breast men. We have to admit to scratching our collective heads over the recent news stories about the first Canadian woman to raise her boob funds entirely through anonymous online donations.

We've always been of the opinion that a woman with fake breasts is either a hot stripper (not girlfriend material) or a single fifty-year-old (not girlfriend material) or, well, just not girlfriend material. It's what we Americans call "a big-ass red flag." What does it say about a person who not only wants breast implants to feel some sense of self worth but also seeks the money for such an operation by scouring for anonymous online donations and flirting with creepy boob-crazed strangers at myfreeimplants.com?

Since joining the site in October 2006, [Candace] Leadley chatted with men around the world and posted photos of herself online to raise the roughly $9,000 needed for surgery.
Donations ranged from $10 to $250, she said, and came from men around the world.

Indeed, more importantly, who are these strange men who cough up half a paycheck to a chick they won't ever even see naked? Is this a new fetish that's going around?

And most importantly, are those tetas pictured above real? Your guesstimation, Doctor, in the comments. (And yes, we know the answer.)