Scanner : booze

Omaha Bar Hosts Jello Wrestling Contest For Charity...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 21:22:00 GMT

...guess how that turned out?

Think about it: you're all bar owners in Omaha, Nebraska. (Really, what else is there to do except hang out at the Saddle Creek offices and try to pick up hipsters? You gotta have a bar.) You want to get more people to stop in at your bar, so you organize an event under the auspicies of donating the cover charge to charity, all while racking up huge profits on drink sales. But to really get people to show up, you get a bunch of local drunks to wear bikinis and tear it up in a vat of Jello.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, for one thing, it's entirely illegal to have boobs and ass anywhere near beer and booze in the state of Nebraska. And you know damn well what bikini Jello wrestling leads to, particularly when the contestants are all likkered up before the opening gong:

Owners of a west Omaha bar have been fined over a fundraiser that got out of control. The 120 Blondes Lounge at 120th and Blondo streets was disciplined by the state Liquor Control Commission over a gelatin wrestling incident that ended with full nudity.

The event featured women who wrestled in a pool of flavored gelatin. The contestants in the competition were wearing bikinis, at least at first.

Photos taken at the event show one woman falling out of the pool and another one who's clearly topless. "As the crowd got more interested, apparently the clothing was removed and they were mostly in the nude," said Hobert Rupe of the Nebraska Liquor Control Commission.

Hobert has a career waiting for him in public relations after he gets bored of denying strip clubs their God-given Night Train beer-- ha ha, "apparently clothing was removed." Hobert, dude, that's what we here in the US of A call "they ripped their clothes off, thinking Joe Francis was taping." But no matter who removed the clothing, the bar is still liable-- even though, in this case, witnesses attested to the fact that the owners ejected the "strippers" immediately.

At least 120 Blondes didn't lose their license.

Via KETV.

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Don't Use Facebook on Your Sick Day, Silly

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:49:00 GMT

We know it's hard to quit Facebook, the awful and unreadable website that networks socials.

But it may be advisable not to post status messages of any kind when you're on sick leave... my Mom works for an insurance-fraud investigation company and the first thing they check is your Facebook page-- to see if it says something like "Back home from the hospital, kicking back and playing Nintendo Wii with both of my broken hands!"

This dumbass should've known better...

CLICK ON THE IMAGE FOR A NEW WINDOW AND THE LARGER PHOTO

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While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:08:00 GMT

If you're going to bribe a cop, it's wise to aim higher than $17.

One of our strange/secret crushes, Chelsea Clinton, has gotten engaged.

Great, another reason for Nascar fans to hate Obama: this April Fool's Day prank made it seem like Obama wanted to pull millions from Nascar to punish car companies.

Another day and more rumors that Britney Spears feels like she's "in prison" and wants out of this arrangment with her father.

Our worst fear came true, and then turned out to be a gag: Heidi Montang told people she was pregnant, but thankfully it was only an April 1st thing. There's still time to sterilize the cast of The Hills.

If your attempt to rob a liquor store fails, please don't cry about it. No one made you do it...

Natalie Cole's fans are so crazy about her, they're even willing to give up their kidneys...

Coldplay, Bjork, Kid Rock, and Trent Reznor punk'd their fans yesterday.

David Cook canceled two shows due to a family crisis-- at last, entertainment news that probably isn't a joke!

PapSmeared: Nick Nolte is Just a Yellow Collar Guy

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 15:04:00 GMT

[Image]

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:37:00 GMT

Is this beer offensive, stupid, or stupid and offensive? Or so harmless and "charming" it's worth drinkin'?

Not safe for work photo below... if you can spot it.

This so-called "low carb" Australian beer has just been released to a salivating media market. The three dudes involved in its creation claim their "healthy" brew will take the country's drinking scene by storm...

...thanks to their nudity gimmick, of course. As the drinker consumes their beer, the "Skinny Blonde's" bikini gradually disappears, revealing her boobers. Interestingly, their website almost never mentions the concept:

100% Preservative Free
Skinny Blonde contains no preservatives, chemical additives or animal products whatsoever so its OK for vegans.
100% Australian
Unlike most beers brewed in Australia Skinny Blonde is 100% Australian owned and operated.
100% Beer
Skinny Blonde is 5.2% alc/vol, low-carb and as tasty as its name sake.

But the Times does.

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Famous Last Words

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 17:20:00 GMT

Why is it that celebrities are able to muster more creative energy than they've had in years to consistently utter their unforgettable last words?

Take, for example, the curious case of Dylan Thomas, poet, raconteur, and mainly raconteur who drank himself to death via shots of whiskey at New York City's White Horse Tavern before staggering back to the Chelsea Hotel, more than a dozen blocks later, and collapsing in its now-famous lobby. His immortal last words?

"Eighteen whiskeys... that must be some sort of a record."

Of course, the reason that all these famous last words are so, well, famous is that they are exaggerated and that the circumstances surrounding them are mostly unsubstantiated myths.

Here's what really happened to Dylan Thomas... according to Wikipedia, of course:

Thomas.. said that we was feeling awful and asked to take a "rain-check". He did however accompany Liz to the White Horse for a few beers. Feeling sick he again returned to the hotel.

[Dr.] Feltenstein came to see him three times that day, on the third call prescribing morphine. This seriously affected Dylan's breathing. At midnight on November 4/5, his breathing became more difficult and his face turned blue.

By 1:58 am Thomas had been admitted to the emergency ward at nearby St Vincent’s, by which time he was profoundly comatose. The doctors on duty found bronchitis in all parts of his bronchial tree, both left and right sides. An X-ray showed pneumonia... and Thomas died on November 9.

Here's where the myths started:

During an incident on 3 November 1953, Thomas returned to the Chelsea Hotel in New York, from the White Horse Tavern and exclaimed, "I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that is a record." However, the barman and the owner of the pub who served Thomas at the time, later told Ruthven Todd, that Thomas couldn't have imbibed more than half that amount, after Todd decided to find out.

Despite shattering that myth, here's a set of famous last words that have stood the test of time. If we're half this witty when the time comes, we must've done something right in life:

Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
-Beethoven, died in 1827

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
-Bogart, 1957

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
-Pancho Villa, 1923
I know you have come to kill me. Shoot, coward. You are only going to kill a man.
-Ernesto "Che" Guevara, 1967
How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
-P.T. Barnum, 1891
Codeine . . . bourbon.
-Tallulah Bankhead, 1968
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
-Oscar Wilde, 1900

But our favorite famous last words are those of former US President John Adams, who died on July 4, 1826. His bitter rivalry with Thomas Jefferson (the POTUS #3 to his POTUS #2) continued to his dying day, upon which Adams muttered, "And Thomas Jefferson still survives." As it turns out, Jefferson had actually died earlier that day, but Adams did not learn this before passing on.

Jefferson's last words? "Is it the Fourth?"

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Today in the Apocalypse: 17-Year-Old MADD Volunteer Hosts Quiet Gathering...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:52:00 GMT

Katie Rees, Miss Nevada USA 2007, who was stripped of her crown following this and other "scandalous photos"

Let me tell you something about Hartford, Connecticut, the city, I, Scanner Brian was born in.

Actually, better yet, let's not tell you anything about Hartford, Connecticut, because it would just be a waste of space after you read this story. Anything I tell you about Hartford will be brutally shoved aside after you read about one 17-year-old Miss Connecticut Outstanding Teen, a volunteer with Mothers Against Drunk Dumbasses, decided to do with her Saturday night when her parents went out of town.

If you think it's entertain little orphan boys with stories from award-winning children's authors, well...

Rachael Ramonas competed in the Miss America's Outstanding Teen competition in Florida this past summer, returning home without the ultimate title. Perhaps she was disappointed by her defeat and decided that, instead of continuing to volunteer with MADD, she would stop being an Outstanding Teen the minute her parents left her goody-two-shoes self at home for the weekend.

On Saturday night, cops arrested two dozen underage drinkers at the home of Miss Ramonas. Reports indicate that most of the kids were beyond wasted-- although, since Ramonas is a juvenile, cops can't say whether she was one of them, or even if she was arrested at all. According to this source:

Officers responding to an anonymous call about underage drinking Saturday night found beer, rum and items commonly used for a drinking game called beer pong. [AP News]

Luckily, no one was arrested for DWI's, so there's at least that bit of sanity... although we doubt she could've kept an eye on all 24-plus peeps who had vehicles to make sure they didn't further embarrass her or reveal some sort of "hypocrisy."

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Sloppy Seconds: What Will Rihanna Say to Chris Brown?

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 23:15:00 GMT

Most likely playing off of the popular Facebook meme 25 things is the new blog 25 Things About My Sexuality, where people can randomly post just that. [25ThingsAboutMySexuality]

Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto has signed onto Woody Allend's latest film. [AfterEllen]

Is San Francisco about to lose the Chronicle to the recession? That's it, we're taking our bottle of Jameson and our box of Entenmann's rich frosted donuts and crawling into a cave until this is all over. [Bloomberg]

Um, what is Kim Kardashian doing with a pet chimp? [Us]

If drinking is good for your heart but could lead to cancer what do you choose? If you're us, and have a history of heart disease in your family and no known cases of cancer, you drink! [ABC]

Rihanna will reportedly face her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown (who allegedly beat the hell out of her, in case you haven't heard) in court when his criminal threats case goes to trial. [Starpulse]

[Image]

Monk Sex Scandal Proves Forced Celibacy Won't Work

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:46:00 GMT

A reader alerted us to a sex scandal we missed out on: a Thai monk who resigned from his monastery after getting caught having sex, after a wild teen sex and booze extravaganza at his place.

Even weirder: it's a gay Thai monk sex scandal... and you won't want to miss these comments in the Bangkok Post...

Our story starts with an unnamed abbot, the head father/monk in Nakhon Si Thammarat, whatever that is. One night, when his male lover is indisposed for an undisclosed reason, Father Anonymous hosts a large gang of unruly teens for booze and innuendos involving trying to "one-up the Catholic Church." The teens leave, but the next day, there is a large cum stain on the abbot's bed sheets. (We don't even want to get into how weird it is that someone would leave a cum stain lying around-- but then again, maybe they don't have Kleenex in Thailand.)

Assuming the worst-- that this stain wasn't the result of a masturbatory session run amok-- the abbot's lover took him to task, started a fight, got smacked around, and reported daddy-o to the police.

The abbot fled and quit the monkhood to avoid arrest and forced disrobement.

Yes, but he may have enjoyed a "forced disrobement."

By the way, some of the many comments on this story are priceless. Many of these people don't know what "a Buddhist monk" means or what the hell they are talking about.

Do realy anybody in Thailand follow buddist rules. Is it not like that,- if somebody close to you, or yourselves have benefit of it,- you may do what ever you want without breaking the rules?
Big deal. There are sexual affairs going on in monasteries.
[Columnist] Khun Sanitsuda is right. Thai Buddhism needs a major overhaul. However, moaning and groaning about it is not very useful. She should offer constructive idess as to how this can be achieved.
Stop making donations to the monks,they run to buy mobile phones, wigs and run for sex at night.
The human sex drive is as natural as eating food or breathing air. Sexual desire is the reason the world is over populated. The only way to make a man live a lifetime without sexual desire is to surgically his eyes and sex organs at birth
It is really unnatural to let men and women abstain from sex in the name of religion. If you see in Islam the Prophet Mohammad married 12 ladies in his life. Islam never allows religion to overpower basic human instints. This is the reason a Muslim man if can do justice can marry four ladies at a time.

It gets nuttier and more profound, sometimes simultaneously, from there. Read the rest via this link.

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One Couple, 90 Breweries, One Year, Many Beers

Colleen Kane — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:52:00 GMT

~~The couple that boozes together, cruises together.~~

~~The couple that glugs together, also chugs together.~~

Never mind. A husband-and-wife team of beer fanatics just completed their Year in Beer, which took them to 90 breweries in 15 countries, a milestone in beer travel. Yes, beer travel is a thing.

Chris Nelson and Meredith Canham-Nelson hit festivals and breweries from Alaska to Belgium, Oregon to England in 2008. Read all about what they discovered on their beer travels at TheBeerGeek.com.

(This sounds quite similar to my own travels with my fiance, only this couple is much more organized and methodical.)

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PapSmeared: Brad Pitt, He's Just Like Us

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 18:35:00 GMT

(Except we at least have the class to put our booze in a flask.)

[Image]

How Low Can You Go, Wino (and Us)?

Colleen Kane — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Amy Winehouse's Caribbean winter holiday apparently continues on, and the word is she's been cut off from drinks at her resort, but that hasn't prevented her from trying alternate ways of obtaining booze.

One of her fellow resort guests told the Sun, "We keep catching her crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut."

So...this is the photo of the Wino crawling sneak-up.

Sad.

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Image: The Sun

While You Were Sleeping: Tara Reid Back To The Booze

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Guess who's to blame for the continued conflicted in Gaza? The United States, that's who-- they blocked a UN resolution calling for an end to the fighting. (Not that it would've done a damn thing to stop the assault.)

Have you been buying Pepsi from the Atlanta plant? (First of all-- why are you buying Pepsi?) It turns out they are using illegal Mexican Pepsi.

Marijuana has been decriminalized in ~~Drugachusetts~~ Massachusetts (for the most part) and cops are refusing to hand out tickets because the law is "poorly" written. Now, we've got it-- just start passing laws that sound like they're restricting drugs, but make them so ridiculous, no one can prosecute. This is how we'll sneak past those right-wing nuts who think the War on Drugs is working.

What kind of moron calls 911 to complain that she's driving drunk? A moron who, unlike most, at least knows that she needs help.

Click here to see men with wings fly around mountains. No stinkin' jetpacks for these dudes.

Tara Reid has already checked out of rehab after only three weeks. Think she's cured?

We're not really sure what's up with this case involving a 16-year-old girl accusing a guy of taking nude photos of her in the shower, and the guy's girlfriend, who claims she took the pictures and framed him for the crime.

Gosh darn it, Al Franken is officially the winner of the Minnesota Senate race. Until, of course, the Republicans sue the pants off the guy.

This invention will conserve water by recycling handwash as toilet water. It's better than you think.

And, as you probably know already, John Travolta's sixteen-year-old son died of a head injury incurred while suffering a seizure. Gawker, in a careful, roundabout way, considers Scientology at least partly to blame, saying Travola and wife Kelly Preston "privileged their adherence to Scientology over their devotion to their son."

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The Latest Kool Kid Kraze: Vodka Tampons

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:14:00 GMT

Back in the pre-Roman era known as the 1990s, dumb kids all over the world inserted vodka-soaked tampons in their vaginas for a serious "contact high" and to avoid being caught with booze on the breath.

The following should disprove any notions you might have about the recent resurgence of the practice among alcohol-crazed teens...

1) Just because you put booze in your vagina, doesn't mean mom can't smell it on your breath. That odor has to go somewhere... and it's not going out your ass. Science tells us that the lungs help expunge the putrid stench of the devil's brew-- assuming, of course, that you haven't resorted to drinking to dull the pain of your marijuana-clogged lungs.

2) Having alcohol inside your vagina is worse for your poon than Ron Jeremy. It can cause the wrong kind of bleeding into the tampon.

3) Indeed, you won't have a woozy stomach, but hopefully that doesn't make you say, "Forget the rest of these red flags, I'll do it!"

4) No one is quite sure if this practice, which is still popular in crazy, backwards countries like Columbia, Brazil, and-- Sarah Palin's favorite-- "Africa," is actually real. Videogum disputes it, saying:

Possibly one person ever did [that], but now like 50,000 stay-at-home moms are going to have "The Vodka-Soaked Tampon Talk" with their kids tonight.

5) As a sociological experiment, you should do that tonight. Seriously, have a talk with your 12-year-old (hell, your four-year-old) about vodka-soaked tampons and report back to us on the conversation....

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Who Knew North Dakota Had Such A Great Bar Scene?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:48:00 GMT

Hankinson, North Dakota is an up-and-coming town of 1,058 people, with not much going on these days except the North Dakota Horseshoe Tournament, taking place while the rest of the world will be climbing up lampposts in D.C. to see an inauguration.

But now this budding tourist hamlet is getting some unwanted publicity of the kind that actually inspires horndogs and other vacationers to hop the next plane to... wait, where the hell are the airports in North Dakota anyway?

The Boston Herald this morning picked up a story out of Hankinson that makes their bar scene sound worthy of the hardest-drinking Americans: The Spare Time bar is being shut down for a week after it was revealed a couple had sex in the middle of it for thirty minutes the other night. The 21-year-old "performers" were charged with misdemeanors, identified by the police thanks to the fact that dozens of people took pictures and video with their cell phones and then, get this, sent them to the City Council for amusement. Whoops-- the City Council turns out to not have a sense of humor.

On Wednesday night, Roger Boutain, who owns Spare Time, went before the Council with 100 supporters behind him (all of whom, one assumes, were at the bar that night and heartily approved) and begged to be allowed to remain open. Luckily, Hankinson only closed The Spare Time for a week...

"We went from being an up and growing community to Hankinson, the place where they had sex in the bar," Mayor Joe O’Meara said. "It didn’t shed a good light on our community. I’m hoping now, we can just put this past us."

By the way, the airport you want to fly into is Hector International, in Fargo.

Image via the Sun-UK.

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Reading Under the Influence

Scanner Matt — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:19:00 GMT

They say the two surviving enterprises in a spiraling economy are books and booze. People usually skip the vacation and the fancy nights out in rough times to stay home, cuddle up with a good book and get trashed. So why not give the people what they want for the holidays? Whether your friends and family are heavy readers or heavy drinkers here are some great book and booze pairings to give as (affordable) gifts.

The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway and a bottle of Pernod

If one author comes to mind when talking about drinking and writing it's certainly Papa. This book is a favorite of ours, filled with big questions and underlying themes it's also an escapist fantasy into Europe. The characters drink Absynthe too in this book, but the real stuff is hard to come by and Pernod is delicious and won't make you crazy.

The Long Goodbye by Raymond Chandler and a bottle of gin.

The Portable Dorothy Parker by Dorothy Parker... and a bottle of gin.

While some claim The Big Sleep is Chandler's best work, other's say The Long Goodbye might be the pinnacle of 1950's pulp crime fiction. Chandler's protagonist and devout gin drinker, Detective Philip Marlowe, actually popularized the gimlet in America with this book. Chandler even shares a recipe in the novel: "A real Gimlet is half gin and half Rose's Lime Juice and nothing else. It beats martinis hollow."

Dorothy Parker would disagree, she was a devout martini lush as some say and knew how to party. She's also one of the funniest American writers we have, from short stories to poetry to essays and reviews. We believe she was a Beefeater girl herself.

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald and a bottle of your favorite bourbon

We know they made everyone read it in high school, but have you gave it a second glance? It could be the most genius American soap opera ever written. The characters drink mint juleps to keep cool in the summertime, but what's wrong with a little minty flavor (peppermints, candy canes etc... ) around the holidays? And of course bourbon is a must, though it doesn't have to be your grandfather's dusty bottle of J&B. (Faulkner was mint julep guy too.)

This is an easy one: Any Russian author and a bottle of vodka

Everyone has a classic Russian book they've always wanted read, whether it's Tolstoy's War and Peace, Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment or Nabokov's Lolita, (and if you're looking for a more recent book try Russian-American author Gary Shteyngart, who is brilliantly raunchy and hilarious in Russian Debutantes Hand Book and Absurdistan. As for the vodka, that's your choice. We prefer Grey Goose, but Smirnoff never killed anybody (maybe) and Stolichnaya is super Russian.

If you're feeling particularly generous this holiday season you can also include a pack of cigarettes with your gift.

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While You Were Sleeping: The MySpace Suicide Trial Verdict

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

This guy wants to be on America's Got Talent... for playing music with his telephones.

Is Emily the Strange a ripoff of Nate the Great or is this, whether it's coincidence or deliberate theft, no big deal?

Robert Downey, Jr. had a very close call on the set of Sherlock Holmes...

While filming of a fight scene, Downey was knocked unconscious by a 7-foot, 330lbs co-star... Downey was “out cold” for six seconds and “drooling blood” before medics could bring him round.

Meanwhile, Downey refused to go to the hospital.

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Did you have brunch over the weekend? If so, you were part of the 75th birthday celebration for the Bloody Mary.

Click here to listen to a song from Nirvana's first-ever show in 1987 and the last song of their last show almost exactly seven years later.

The super hot First Lady of France is now a super hot UN ambassador.

And that evil woman was found guilty of three minor charges in the MySpace "suicide trial."

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Today in Sweden: Teen Sex For Booze On The Rise

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 14:40:00 GMT

The percentage of people trading sex for booze is on the rise in the U.S. and Canada, especially among former Brady Bunch stars.

Now a truly oblivious police department in Sweden wants to warn teens about trading sex for booze... as some guys would like to have sex with you in exchange for the booze. Thank you, Lieutenant Obvious...

Police in Stockholm, Sweden are concerned about what they perceive to be a rise in teenage girls offering their bodies to creepy men who are lurking outside liquor stores, hoping teenage girls will offer up their bodies. Police also say these teens are arranging sex by-- breaking news, people!-- text messages and a newfangled invention called the internet, which is apparently a ripoff of the Bulletin Board System.

Seriously, these cops are freaking out over one case in which a guy convicted of sexual harassment and for possessing child pornography bought three sixteen-year-old girls a stockpile of liquor and then brought them back to their place. No word on whether these teenagers (who were dumb enough to not rip the guy off and just take off running with their booze) were molested, but no matter...

Word to Swedish police: this practice has been going on since the advent of moonshine, and probably even before that. Telling teenagers not to do something only encourages them-- you should instead put up posters of very hairy older men saying, "Yes, we'd love to buy you a six pack... but you'll have to spend an hour in my World of Warcraft sex dungeon first." That should take care of the problem right quick...

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While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Likes Short Shorts

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Academy Awards season started up with the shortlisting of 15 feature documentaries, which includes "Man on a Wire" and films by Werner Herzog and Errol Morris. We're rooting for Encounters At the End of the World.

The lead singer of the Vines is battling the effects of his autism and the band has canceled all their upcoming shows.

There will be a female Secretary of State after all: According to the Guardian, Hillary Clinton was offered and has accepted the Secretary of State cabinet post, which opens up a whole new can of worms, not to mention a Senate seat in our current state of residence.

Hillary Clinton plans to accept the job of secretary of state offered by Barack Obama, who is reaching out to former rivals to build a broad coalition administration, the Guardian has learned.
Obama's advisers have begun looking into Bill Clinton's foundation, which distributes millions of dollars to Africa to help with development, to ensure that there is no conflict of interest. But Democrats do not believe that the vetting is likely to be a problem.
Clinton would be well placed to become the country's dominant voice in foreign affairs, replacing Condoleezza Rice. Since being elected senator for New York, she has specialised in foreign affairs and defence. Although she supported the war in Iraq, she and Obama basically agree on a withdrawal of American troops.

The New York Times Arts and Leisure Weekend may be awesome enough for you to make a trip here: Keith Olbermann, Lewis Black, Patti Smith, Salman Rushdie, the cast of The Closer, and a rumored appearance by Tom Cruise caught our attention..

Here's why we're the biggest nerds: the first thing we notice about these photos, taken of Sarah Palin (allegedly) boozing it up at a Miami hotel, isn't those short shorts, but the copy of USA Today in her hand. Sarah! USA Today is not hard to remember-- how come you couldn't name that as a newspaper you actually read?

More photos here.

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Democratic State Senator Busted For Stuffing Her Bra

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:11:00 GMT

Not this kind of bra stuffing...

She was an advocate for gay marriage and greater civil rights for black people, but Massachusetts State Senator Dianne Wilkerson automatically sucks now for making us all look bad for even being part of the same cause.

For Wilkerson is accused of stuffing her bra-- literally-- full of thousands of dollars in cash... and that's not even counting what they found in her purse...

According to several local news outlets, Wilkerson took several grand in bribes from a shady dude looking to expedite (or least get) a liquor license. Wilkerson saw in this man a cause as noble as her own civil rights issues (okay, we're kidding here) and called in some favors... or at least put her muscle into a few key people at the state level.

When she was busted, the Democratic State Senator was found with a whopping six grand in her purse-- or, as Paris Hilton calls it, "my penny purse." Her lawyer dismissed this by saying the cash "was for expenses."

Apparently, it was for a down payment on the Sarah Palin wardrobe plan. By the way, in addition to being caught on hidden cameras stuffing a an undercover agent's bribe in her bra, Wilkerson

faces charges of attempted extortion and theft of honest services as a state senator, stemming from a money-for-legislation sting operation, officials said.

A federal criminal complaint alleges that Wilkerson was busted for accepting eight bribes, totaling $23,500, in exchange for her influence on Beacon Hill.

Wilkerson also allegedly used one $1,000 bribe to treat herself to a night of gambling and dining at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut.

We're tempted to make a joke about a thousand bucks not even getting you a buy-in on a game of craps at Foxwoods, but everyone will see that coming...

Via the Boston Herald.

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Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:05:00 GMT

Rob Iler, better and perhaps forever known as A.J. Soprano, at the grand opening of Cabana One, at the Mayfair Hotel in Miami.

Courtesy 5WPR.

It's Friday, And There's Just Too Much Good Stuff To Squeeze It All In

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:10:00 GMT

We're busy getting ready for the debate tonight... stocking our liquor cabinets, preparing pancakes, you know, the usual...

We don't have time to tell you all about the other amazing stories going on in the world right now. The stories that involve Sacha Baron Cohen's invasion of an Italian fashion show... Wonkette's most hilarious debate watch party drinking game... Johnny Cash's beyond-the-grave meditation on freedom... and much more...

But we'll give you a varrry nice taste...

Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno crashed the Iceberg show in Milan and walked the runway in that hilarious outfit. He was soon escorted out, but not before footage was captured for his totally ridonkulous new movie film... [Telegraph]

People Magazine released a beautiful and preachy recording of Johnny Cash reciting "I Am the Nation."

Fark has video of the first 1992 VP debate, which is apparently going to be somehow similar to this evening's Presidential battle. Meanwhile, Wonkette's drinking game for tonight is the greatest thing they've ever come up with.

A press report indicates the McCain campaign is in utter "chaos" following McCain's decision to suddenly fly to the site of the debate.

And a candidate for governor of Bangkok has pulled a McCain and suspended her electorial fight after her campaign manager drowned during a publicity stunt. The campaign manager was swimming in a canal with the candidate call attention to the area's unsafe drinking water when he began flailing his arms. TV cameras and onlookers assumed the worker was goofing off and didn't rush to help until after he had long since disappeared. The campaign manager, by the way, has a seven-months-pregnant wife. Damn.

That is all.

Borat Make New Movie Film For You!

Is Jessica Simpson Headed for a Life of Bad Clothes and TV Dinners?

McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Which Candidate Spends More on Make-Up Than We Do On Shoes?

BREAKING: John McCain Suspends His Campaign

10 Drinks That Will Help Black Out Those Unpleasant Bits From Last Night

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 19:37:00 GMT

Now that it's lega, Absinthe is so over. If you really want to feel like your head's been passed through a meat grinder, you're going to need to drink something a little more destructive than "The Green Fairy."

Thankfully, we've brought in the Big Guns right in time for the weekend.

If you happen to be in Norway, try Hjemmebrent. It's distilled to 96% alcohol which is, you know, good if you don't have anywhere to be the next day--or week. But if you're staying stateside, there's always moonshine. Doesn't have quite the alcohol content, but might make you go blind! Got a craving for booze mixed with "industrial spirits"? How about a glass of the aptly named Bombes?

See the rest of the list for a full breakdown of dangerous, disgusting drinks sure to black out your Saturday night.

Bacon-Infused Cocktail Made Us Orgasm Just Reading About It

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 18:18:00 GMT

Summer's almost over, which means it's time to drink heavily and balloon up for the unbearable winter months. A good way to start is with this monster of an Old Fashioned: it involves bacon, maple syrup, and about a bucket o' whiskey...

Start your week right with the recipe, after the jump:

PDT’s Bacon-Infused Old Fashioned

FOR THE BOURBON- BACON INFUSION:
3 or 4 slices bacon, or enough to render 1 ounce of fat (PDT uses Benton’s, but any extra-smoky variety will do)
1 750-ml. bottle of bourbon such as Four Roses Yellow Label

FOR THE OLD FASHIONED:
2 ounces bacon-infused bourbon
1/4 ounce Grade B maple syrup
2 dashes Angostura bitters
Twist of orange

FOR THE BACON-INFUSED BOURBON: Cook bacon in pan and reserve rendered fat. (1) When bacon fat has cooled a bit, pour off one ounce from pan. (2) Pour bourbon into a non-porous container. (3) Strain the bacon fat into the container and infuse for 4 to 6 hours at room temperature. Place mixture in freezer until all the fat is solidified. With a slotted spoon, remove fat and strain mixture back into bottle.
FOR THE COCKTAIL: In mixing glass, stir 2 ounces bacon-infused bourbon, maple syrup, and bitters with ice. Strain into chilled rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with orange twist.

We hope someone can come up with a way to meld the two drinks into one so we can have maple syrup and bacon with our whiskey, but there's always the ol' Pancakes and Booze Breakfast, which explains our ability to sift through the New York magazine website, from whence this recipe came...

While you're at it, check out the How To video here.

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When Drinking and Technology Don't Mix: Scanner Emily's Facebook Faux Pas

Because I Don't Wanna!

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:13:00 GMT

Hey. Scanner Emily here. My blog reader isn't loading, which means I have absolutely no idea what's going on in the world. Because, God forbid, I actually go to a website. Plus, it's Friday (it is Friday, right?), and I'm ready for a drink. So I will take this opportunity to do what I do best when my blogging abilities are impaired: post pictures of LOL cats.

When The Folks Are Away, New Hampshire Teens Party Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:02:00 GMT

We're not condoning hosting parties at your parents' house in New Hampshire at the age of fifteen and getting your friends to get drunk and run around in the streets naked... although if you do repeat this incident, please take pictures, censor them so we don't go to jail, and send us evidence that your high school experience is way better than everyone else's...

Otherwise, we don't believe a word of it...

According to the public police log, the neighbor called the homeowner in New York and at 11:44 p.m., told police the teens were drinking and running in the street unclothed.
When officers got to the residence, one teen fled and a police dog from Rochester was called in to track his direction of travel, said Maloney. The scent led to a parent's home in Rye, where the parent refused to allow police inside to search for her son, police say.

This must've been one smart police dog (was it the one from that Jim Belushi movie?), because it wasn't long before the fugitive nudist was apprehended at a different residence. (Side note: how funny would that be? It's midnight in New Hampshire and you're probably asleep-- the doorbell rings and it's a naked fifteen-year-old, asking if he can come in, covering his privates with one hand and waving from the porch with the other. So... you let him in, clothe him, and don't tell the police he's there? And and and... does this count as harboring a fugitive? Because that would be hilarious if the police charged whoever housed the kid with that...)

Before we get completely sidetracked, also note how the party continued... at the hospital, for God's sake:

At 1:56 a.m., an officer was called to Portsmouth Regional Hospital "to help restrain an out of control juvenile" who was brought there from the same underage party, according to the public police log. [Seacoast Online]

That one time we had a party in high school, there wasn't even enough rum for the girls to get the perpetually-naked-jock-dude to take off his shirt... my, how times have changed...

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Sloppy Seconds: Hillary Clinton's Latest Theory

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Women in Nigeria are walking naked in the streets to protest the questionable circumstances surrounding a monarch's death.

Two wrestlers from the University of Nebraska are under investigation after it was reported they are both gay porn stars.

Some dudes in Sweden have lodged formal complaints against pharmacies that sell sex toys, complaining that most of these shops discriminate against men with their female-focused stock. Wait, they have sex toys in pharamacies over there? Hell, you can't even buy Plan B at pharmacies in the States!

Did John McCain copy his speech today from Wikipedia?

Salma Hayek is planning a wedding reality show. Judging by how few people cared about our post about her singledom, the show should do real fine...

Selma Blair thinks Americans are deluded.

Hillary's team's 845th theory as to why they lost: the media's lack of investigation into the Edwards affair rumors when they first surfaced.

And Daniel Craig may be getting married. Although since when does a man buying champagne mean he's getting married and not a very lucky, soon-to-be-drunk friend?

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The Greatest Dive Bars: The Clermont Lounge

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:30:00 GMT

We were in Atlanta over the 4th of July weekend to see Tom Waits play on his rare and limited-date US tour, for which we drove down from Brooklyn.

After the show, a cute and rather innocent female friend suggested, almost offhandedly, that we might enjoy this place called the Clermont Lounge...

Shrugging in surrender and still not entirely conscious after that intense concert, we staggered into the Clermont sometime after midnight on a Saturday night, expecting to have a few beers and collapse. Instead, we were met by perhaps one hundred and fifty people, many of them couples in their 20s, rocking out on the dance floor and enjoying what even we had to admit was a great DJ. At the bar, we ordered a couple of PBR's with accompanying Jager shots, seeing as how we were at a world-class dive/dump. The bright red neon light that adorned every inch of wall space took us back to our most drugged out New Orleans evenings... or even back to that Factory scene in Midnight Cowboy.

Anyway, we were settling in, marveling at the local characters... when it soon became clear why we'd been directed to this place...

With no fanfare whatsoever and to the complete dismissal of everyone on the dance floor, a large woman wearing a sumo wrestler's outfit stepped up onto the bar and almost immediately exposed her breasts:

Aside from the fact that this low-quality, dim-lighting camera phone shot is basically useless in a blog post, this at least gives you an exact replica of what we were seeing. It turned out were in Atlanta's oldest and longest running strip club, complete with some of the finest area talent: the next act was an elderly Chinese woman in a green dress who raced back and forth across the slim bar and flashed each customer indvidually. According to this page, the strippers have to put money in the jukebox themselves if they want some theme music to dance to.

The outside kind of looked like this, although not really:

Yeah, not really. Anyway, it's well worth checking out when you're in town... or, hell, driving from halfway across a Hemisphere.

More on the Clermont Lounge online at this link.

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Scanner Highs And Lows: Sweden Or Sexism?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Scanner was inundated with bad craziness, sexism, hedonism, and Sweden-ism this week... and you enjoyed every minute of it, sweetness...

HIGHS:

We learned that Swedish girls like to have sex with each other. See also above.

We applauded a boy in Sweden who got revenge on perverts by ripping them off and getting busted for it.

We found a great handjob. Unfortunately, it does not involve Swedes.

We talked about hot Olympians, then we stared at one of them naked. (For the last time, no, she is not from Sweden.)

We found an excuse to use our favorite photo of Amanda Peet. Although it can't top this one of Eva Mendes.

Robert Downey, Jr., we learned, is a very patient mofo.

Meet us in St. Louis next year.

LOWS:

A sex blogger got busted for sex writing on her sex site. We cringed, then we shivered, and finally we changed our names and went underground.

Jim Beam's ad featuring ogled Swedish girls was banned in Australia. Good riddance.

We found this list of 10 Songs To Strip To sorely lacking. (There's an STD joke here, but we're out of time...)

John Edwards admitted he has no chance of being Vice President now.

We never found out who looks best in a bikini, but that's okay, we have friends outside of here.

And mutiny and chaos descended on Scanner over this post.

Jim Beam Peeping Tom Ad Too Naughty, Even For Australia

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 18:32:00 GMT

Man... Jim Beam thinks he can go on over to Australia, where no one shaves any part of their body and topless whores fornicate with eight-year-old cigar-chomping schoolboys in broad daylight, and just ram their arrogant American pseudo-comedy down the (deep) throats of the TV-viewing public.

Well, they got another thing comin'...

According to Food Week, this is the least offensive ad of the campaign:

The bourbon maker's campaign, The Neighbours, includes TV and internet ads showing two blondes in G-strings applying sunscreen, bouncing on a trampoline and finally stripping naked as they're watched through a hedge by "Stevo next door" and his mates.

A 30-second TV version, first shown on Fox Sports, features one semi-naked women stating: "We say, Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, take off your cozzie." Viewers are then directed to a website with a longer ad in which the women are spied on as they undress.

The camera zooms in on their breasts and backsides before ending with a close-up of one topless woman washing dishes at the kitchen sink.

Australian cultural critics and consumer advocates have attacked the campaign for making light of stalking and perverted peeping, and quite rightly. Jim took down his ads and removed them from every available source-- except YouTube, where we found the above video, untouched (for now.) It may remain there, since it seems relatively harmless... and pointless. The Brisbane Times has a screenshot of the video, but it tells us nothing. If anyone locates an embeddable copy or even a link to the complete 30-second spot, please send and we'll update this.

Via Food Week.