Scanner : boob envy

Nintendo DS Boob Cover So Cute, We Want To Cover Everything With Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:48:00 GMT

We don't really understand the need to spend four hours a day playing video games, as many people who own video games do. But then to take a portable gaming device on the subway to play it all the way to 86th St.? That's just excessive.

Playing video games by oneself has always seemed kind of pathetic-- what, real life sports or conversation isn't stimulating enough that you want to play a fighting game alone?-- but now the Nintendo DS has gotten a whole lot sexier, thanks to one unidentified artiste.

The following boob-related cover for the DS makes the gaming device almost sexy and appealing... we said "almost."

Unfortunately, it's not for sale.

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Padma Lakshmi Suddenly, Surprisingly Naked

World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

Your Daily Dose of Sexism...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 15:50:00 GMT

What are these women going on about? According to Guilia in Italy:

It's an ad for a body lotion that supposedly lifts your tits. The two women are asked their age (one is in her twenties, the other in her thirties), occupation, whether they're wearing a bra ("Of course not!") and whether they've had surgery ("Are you out of your mind?"). And then the interviewer decides to "test" the virtues of the miracle concoction.

Welcome to Italy, where the misogynists run free. If women even tried to complain, we'd be told we're humourless.

They claim a body lotion enhances your bust? Don't they have the equivalent of an FDA there? I mean, can you imagine what American commericals would be like if companies were allowed to say whatever they like, such as "Will.i.am is this generation's Bob Dylan!"

Related:

Disney Denied Work to "Girls"

Boob, Boob, Boob, Boob, Boob...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 16:20:00 GMT

We stopped watching at about 1:24 so we could share this with you that much faster.

First person to explain to us what the hell this is win's... nothing.

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Is A Big, Whiny Phony

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

A teacher kissed his sixteen-year-old student three times, his wife found out, and he resigned his position. Then, whoops, it turned out he hadn't done anything illegal.

That investment adviser who tried to fake his own death via plane crash was caught in Florida.

Guess which television personality said this to Kate Winslet: "I love the fact that you have real breasts?" Conan? Bill O'Reilly? Sean Hannity?

Kate Winslet was on Oprah today, and Ms. Winfrey made a point of talking about the sexually explicit flick The Reader. "In all the scenes, your breasts do what real breasts do," Oprah mused.

"I love the fact that you have real breasts," Oprah gushed to Kate... "God bless your real breasts." Kate, ever the good sport, said, "Thank you," and the audience burst into applause as the two women clasped hands in a real-breast-love-fest. [Jezebel]

Is this the first arrest via Facebook?

STD rates continue to climb, in spite of brave CNN's noble efforts to alert us.

The parents of Drew Peterson's girlfriend sound way too nonchalant about this. Whatever happened to a baseball bat and a loud "you stay away from my daughter, you hear?!"

Even pointing out what a lying idiot Sarah Palin is has become an utter waste of time, since she won't even acknowledge it when every one of her accusations turn out to be bullshit.

For a stupid Nike commercial masquerading as a YouTube video, this is pretty funny-- although we still could care less about Taylor Momsen, whoever that is. (To offset the fact that we're basically linking to an ad, you should buy Reebok or any other brand instead.)

Photo of Taylor Momsen via Gawker.

Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Chloe Sevigny Would Like More Topless Sex Scenes, Please

Top 5 Sex Scenes Set in the Great Outdoors

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 21:55:00 GMT

After a holiday hiatus, our regular feature returns. This week's list is wishful thinking-- we probably couldn't get away with outdoor sex in today's 36-degree New York weather... you'll have to let us know how your reenactments go in warmer climes...

5. U-Turn. Honestly, we didn't even remember that Jennifer Lopez was in this movie before finding this clip. Still haunting our memories, however, are those extreme closeups of Billy Bob Thornton's teeth.

Jennifer Lopez Outdoor Sex Scene

4. The Hot Spot. This tender nude scene was featured on our Jennifer Connelly list way back when. Hey, if you want to complain about seeing Jennifer Connelly naked again, we can't really help you.

Jennifer Connelly - The Hot Spot

3. Three. We would've had to field serious complaints if we didn't include this raunchy, sexual assault-turned cheeseball sex scene from some straight-to-DVD Kelly Brook vehicle. You'd be amazed how many fans this actress has...

Beach Sex

2. Fast Times At Ridgemont High. The two sex scenes with Jennifer Jason Leigh in this movie take place outdoors (one, in a semi-private changing room; the other, a baseball dugout), but they're clearly overshadowed by this sex-free fantasy sequence that would be our #1... if... only... she would touch someone... anyone...

Phoebe Cates-Fast Times At Ridgemont High

1. Domino. We're pretty sure it doesn't happen like this in the original cut of the movie (or any official cut, for that matter), but the homemade repeition is an addition we're thankful for.

Keira-knightley Having Sex Outdoors

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

Chloe Sevigny Would Like More Topless Sex Scenes, Please

Happy Belated Birthday to Porn Star Ginger Lynn

Top 5 Sex Scenes From... 2007

The Mammary Game: Test Your "Boobie" Skills

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 20:48:00 GMT

Confession: we sort-of want to see Role Models and not only because we want to make sweet, sweet love to one of its stars, Paul Rudd. The movie is centered around Rudd's character Danny, and his friend Wheeler (Seann William Scott) who end up doing community service in a mentoring program after an energy drink fueled bender (really?) left a company truck trashed.

Anyway, apparently boobs (er, "boobies") play a big part in the movie, so the marketing geniuses behind its promotion have put together The Mammary Game, basically an online boob-matching game.

So, if you have nothing better to do than look at boobs all day, click through to find out how to play.

Play the Mammary Game

[Image]

Caption This: Here Come The Boobs

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:04:00 GMT

[via YBNBY]

Today in WTF: Virtual Boob Groping

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 16:21:00 GMT

Now that boob groping is available for the iPhone, can sex with our cell phones be too far off?

Seriously, yesterday we joked that since our Nokia phones tear hair off our heads when we're speaking on them, it makes sense that they could be equal if not better vibrator/shaver devices than the new vibrator combo. We didn't seriously think that cell phones could be sexual devices... until we saw this:

Well, you knew this was coming (that's what she said)... a Japanese blogger calling himself Technohippy has just introduced the third generation of an iPhone app he likes to call paiTouch (click here to see it in action). The "pai" is short for "oppai", Japanese for "breasts". I bet Steve Jobs never thought it would come to this; then again, he's the uber-geek, so who knows?

No, Inventor Spot, we did not see the iGrope or iBoobs "coming," as you so un-humorously put it. But we're not knocking you-- thank you for alerting us to this free device, which allows for groping while surfing boob pics on your iPhone's Safari browser. The question is, who would ever do this and why?

Of course, that shouldn't stop any of you from trying this out and reporting back immediately...

Via Inventor Spot.

Related:

Motorcycle Party Features Screaming Orgasm Contest, Rampant Nudity

A Sex Blogger That Doesn't Actually Like Your Sex Parts... At Least Not if You Work With Her

The Naked Lady Rides Again In Oregon

To Buy or Not to Buy: The iPhone

Look Out: More Hackers Targeting Macs & iPhones

This Weekend In Missed Connections: Bus Driver Blues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 14:16:00 GMT

When Missed Connections first took off on Craigslist, we were already hooked. Now, years later, we seem to be falling into the same trap: checking to see what insane things happened on your Saturday night...

First up, a bus driver makes a new pair of friends he's calling "The Double D's..."

you were walking west on e86st and 2nd ave at 1:40am Sunday(TODAY).I was driving the m15 bus. You tapped on my buses windshield smiled at me and wow'd me.Then you realized that you were showing me your Victorias Secret.
You then WOW'D me for real,with those Double D"s.And they were oh so perfect.
I want to thank you for that. And to let you know that i will be at the same place tonight at 1:11am,hoping that you show up and wow me again.But this time I want your number.

Ha-- a bus driver that knows exactly what time he's arriving at a stop? Nice try, buddy...

Next up... a total fake, but bonus points for being able to carry on tiresome puns for so long. It is from someone who claims to have been at the beach on Saturday:

I saw you holding your pole, wow that was one of the biggest poles I ever saw. I was wearing a blue bikini as bait and I caught you, and I mentioned I had a nice little clam, you seemed very interested, you were grinning and licking your lips saying you loved eating fresh raw clam and you also said you loved going deep sea diving or was that just deep diving? ;) I was afraid you thought I was shallow, but I think you could tell I ran as deep as the ocean. I also feared you thought I was fishing for compliments, and well I fell for you hook, line and sinker. [This goes on for ages... then...] I shore like you! If you see this [should've written "sea this"-- oh man, we're getting sucked in now...] please please please talk to me I am the little blond shrimp with big puffers! And baby next time let's have a clam bake,yummmmmmmmmmm

This is one you only need the title for: girl who let one go on the toilet seat at monster island on saturday - m4w

Here's one that isn't creepy for a change:

You were waiting for your date (boyfriend?) for about 30 minutes. Then when he got there, he was on the phone or his blackberry most of the time. I was at a table with some friends across from you in a dark blue t-shirt. Please, please... get rid of that guy.

Here's a guy who's just waiting for someone, anyone, to respond to his posts:

What BOOK are you reading??????????? - m4w
Lately you can be found reading a book on your break / lunch. Does this describe you? If it does, hit me up and we'll find out if youre the one Im looking for!

It describes everyone, dude...

Sharing Granola at the Boise CO-OP on Saturday Aug. 23rd - m4w
Are you out there?? We were at the Granola dispensers and i was dishing out some different kinds for us to sample.

I got tied up shopping for our BurningMan trip and when i came to my senses and looked for you, you were already gone.

Nope, these aren't stereotypes, they're real people...

Here's an arbitrary redirect to the Boston Missed Connections...

Related:

Making Stripteases A Cinch: Dita Von Teese Shills For Wonderbra

No Longer Missing the Missed Connections

When Missed Connections Aren't Special Enough For Your Mystery Dream Girl

"I had bedbugs, you had herpes."

Times Trend Alert: People Have Sex With People They Know

Boobs On Bikes Rides Again, Despite Violent Anti-Violence Protests

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 16:12:00 GMT

Steve Crow, local porn king and former mayoral candidate, rode through the streets of Auckland today in style-- triumphant style, complete with victorious adult film stars, motorcyclists, and a plethora of topless women...

They were met by 100,000 people, many of whom heard about the ride due to the recent publicity, i.e. major controversy. Up until a few days ago, it seemed as if the ride might not go through, until an appeals court ruled restrictions placed on the event would have to be lifted. Crow, who organizes the yearly event, put out an APB on the decision and tourists, participants, and protestors arrived in droves...

Crow told reporters they would avoid confrontation by warning "the girls beforehand to keep the jiggling to a minimum and not to do anything that would be deemed offensive." However, an egg thrown at the fearless leader narrowly missed a cop, which caused some temporary pandemonium while the protestor was located.

One man shouted at Mr Crow, asking him if he was a pervert.

Mr Crow replied he was not a pervert, he was comfortable with who he was and what he did, and it was the man on the sidewalk who was the pervert.

While the crowd was predominantly male from all age groups and professions, many women also watched the parade.

Other activists, who said the parade and the pornography industry promoted violence against women; they had to be cleared from the streets at several intervals so the parade could continue.

More photos here.

Stories and photos here, here and here.

Our previous story, about the possibility the parade would be cancelled, is here.

Related:

New Zealand Party Poopers Move To Shut Down "Boobs On Bikes" Parade

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Maxi Mounds And Her Boobs Break Guinness Record...

The Greatest Dive Bars: The Clermont Lounge

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:30:00 GMT

We were in Atlanta over the 4th of July weekend to see Tom Waits play on his rare and limited-date US tour, for which we drove down from Brooklyn.

After the show, a cute and rather innocent female friend suggested, almost offhandedly, that we might enjoy this place called the Clermont Lounge...

Shrugging in surrender and still not entirely conscious after that intense concert, we staggered into the Clermont sometime after midnight on a Saturday night, expecting to have a few beers and collapse. Instead, we were met by perhaps one hundred and fifty people, many of them couples in their 20s, rocking out on the dance floor and enjoying what even we had to admit was a great DJ. At the bar, we ordered a couple of PBR's with accompanying Jager shots, seeing as how we were at a world-class dive/dump. The bright red neon light that adorned every inch of wall space took us back to our most drugged out New Orleans evenings... or even back to that Factory scene in Midnight Cowboy.

Anyway, we were settling in, marveling at the local characters... when it soon became clear why we'd been directed to this place...

With no fanfare whatsoever and to the complete dismissal of everyone on the dance floor, a large woman wearing a sumo wrestler's outfit stepped up onto the bar and almost immediately exposed her breasts:

Aside from the fact that this low-quality, dim-lighting camera phone shot is basically useless in a blog post, this at least gives you an exact replica of what we were seeing. It turned out were in Atlanta's oldest and longest running strip club, complete with some of the finest area talent: the next act was an elderly Chinese woman in a green dress who raced back and forth across the slim bar and flashed each customer indvidually. According to this page, the strippers have to put money in the jukebox themselves if they want some theme music to dance to.

The outside kind of looked like this, although not really:

Yeah, not really. Anyway, it's well worth checking out when you're in town... or, hell, driving from halfway across a Hemisphere.

More on the Clermont Lounge online at this link.

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Top 10 Songs To Strip To, As Voted By Guys

Hold Your Horses, Baby

New Zealand Party Poopers Move To Shut Down "Boobs On Bikes" Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 14:06:00 GMT

If you're going to have a parade with nothing but leather-clad motorcycle Dudes with capitol D's and topless babes as their passengers, you should be prepared for an angry conservative onslaught which is bound to shout you down...

A simple Google search will tell you there have been complaints (and stories of the massive amounts thereof) since 2006, but this is the first time those complaints have threatened to be fierce enough to shut down Auckland, New Zealand's lovely ode to the boob and, more importantly, the local erotica and porn trade.

Yesterday, the conservative action group Family First NZ (we have similar fascistic organizations here in America, including Focus on the Family and their ilk) filed a complaint with the city and argued the parade, set to take place in August, violates a new city ordinance barring public processions that are likely to be offensive to... well, someone.

"This parade is an advertisement for the porn industry which is simply a business, with no regard for the welfare and protection of families who are exposed to offensive aspects of the parade.
"It is certainly not a charitable family-friendly event like the Santa Parade or a sports event or celebration."

The parade drew thousands of people last year, as an assortment of porn stars, erotic dancers, models and a few drag queens, exposed their breasts downtown.

Mr McCoskrie said the event was in breach of the Crimes Act. "It will also now be in breach of a new bylaw just passed by the Auckland City Council (Bylaw 20.6.9 - Public Places 2008) banning public events likely to be offensive."

Well, at least this event is about something (the celebration of the human body, spirit, and need for dudes to see limitless ta-tas), whereas a sporting event is about bullshit.

The following video is nsfw either, but it gives you a much better idea of what the parade is like than these leering photos ever could.

These girls were campaigning for Steve Crow, mayoral candidate and porn scene fixture, at last year's parade. Surprisingly, he lost that race.

Read more about the parade here. If the parade goes off and there is photographic or motion picture evidence, we will provide...

Related:

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While You Were Sleeping: We'll Score Or Go Topless For You

Sloppy Seconds: Topless Chicks Arrested At KFC

Male Mormon Missionaries Go Topless For The Hell Of It

Newspaper Runs Topless Photo of 13 Year Old Girl

Topless Seattle Coffeehouse To Take Down Starbucks?

Magazine Fights Censorship With Nude Six-Year-Old Cover Girl

"This Is The City's Response To A Penis" One of Many Classic Moments From Nude Gallery Raid

Celebrity Hero of the Day: Keira Knightley, With Her Modest Bosom

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:21:00 GMT

Keira Knightly is fighting back.

And not in one of her terrible action movies, overrated literary adaptations, or entertaining pirate comedies, but in person, as herself, and against the movie studies that think sex is the only thing a movie has to sell tickets...

What sane person would think these "aren't good enough?"

Keira will appear topless in her upcoming film written by her mother and appeared topless briefly in her last movie, Atonement. But she draws the line on some things movie studios do to "pump up" a film. The controversy involves her role in a new movie called The Duchess.

Knightley refused to allow any enhancement of her cleavage on publicity photos for "The Duchess," Britain's Daily Mail reports. Studio heads reportedly want to enlarge Knightley's breasts in publicity photos but the actress, 23, threw down her bra, so to speak. "She has insisted that her figure stay in its natural state," an insider said. "She is proud of her body and doesn't want it altered."

How could you not love this gal:

"I always bare my breasts," Knightley said at a press conference to promote The Edge of Love, a film written for her by her mother, Sharman Macdonald. It was screened at the Edinburgh International Film Festival, giving viewers a surprise glimpse of Keira sans top. "It's not like it's only in this film!" the actress noted.
"I would love to have [breasts]!" she told Britain's GMTV last year, adding, "I'm never going to get [them]. I'm naturally who I am."

Read the rest of the article at The Improper, which is unfortunately far less flattering than ours. (She is repeatedly referred to as being "flat-chested," "small chested," etc.)

Related:

Gisele Bundchen's Latest Nude Shoot May Be Her Finest Work Yet

Liz Phair Unveils The Secret To A Great Nude Photo Shoot

Magazine Fights Censorship With Nude Six-Year-Old Cover Girl

"This Is The City's Response To A Penis" One of Many Classic Moments From Nude Gallery Raid

While You Were Sleeping: We'll Score Or Go Topless For You

Sloppy Seconds: Topless Chicks Arrested At KFC

You Asked for a Penis Poll, You Got It

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 15:33:00 GMT

Yesterday's Scanner Rountable on breasts (with which we're pleasantly surprised so far) inspired many requests for a penis poll — which we are all for. So, ladies and gentlemen, here is your penis poll.

Before you get your jockstrap in an uproar over the options presented, you should know we have only five options when putting together these polls. We know that penises come in all shapes and sizes, which is why we created the "other category." Use it.

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: Boobies

Don't Miss: The Icelandic Penis Museum

What's More Distracting Than a Pink Elephant in the Room? A Flying Penis in the Room, That's What.

Baby Born With Extra Penis, Parents Have it Removed Why?

Scanner Roundtable: Boobies

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 13:14:00 GMT

We've had more than our fair share of civil discussions and total blowouts over breasts here at Scanner. So we're interested to know, what kind-of breast does the average Scanner reader prefer?

Boobpedia: The Encyclopedia of Big Boobs

Closing the Ring: The Movie that Shows Mischa Barton's Boobs

Sheyla Hershey and Her 34FFF Boobs May Be in for a World of Hurt

Scanner Highs and Lows: It's All About You, And Boobs

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to Boobs

Hot or Not: 32K Boobs?

[Image]

Me, Myself and My Breasts

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:42:00 GMT

BBC America is airing two news specials about breasts—one big, one small.

While we're not sure about their grammatical choices ("My Big Breasts and Me" vs. "My Small Breasts and I") we wish we had cable so we could catch these shows that fallow women with breasts both big and small and the everyday annoyances that come along with each.

SMALL: "My Small Breasts and I uncovers the complex, poignant and sometimes amusing relationship women have with their tiny breasts. Talking candidly, three women reveal how they really feel about their own bodies and the lengths to which they'll go to, to change their situation."

BIG: "Great Britain is home to the biggest breasts in all of Europe. But for many women, this isn't good news. In this documentary, meet three women who feel defined by their naturally big breasts, and find out what it's really like to have a cup size at the far end of the alphabet."

Jezebel has a clip of 23-year-old Jodi who is 5' 1" and wears a 28K bra size (Is that European? Either way, it's big).

Previously: Hello Boys!

Hello Boys!

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 19:22:00 GMT

Our experience with the Wonderbra in the 90's was, well, sort-of pathetic. The Wonderbra can't be too wondrous when you're a flat-chested 14-year-old with nothing to put in it. But the Wonderbra ads sure did make us feel like we could have big beautiful breasts. And when we became a little-less flat chested it almost made them possible until we finally gave up on the whole big boob thing.

But for some, the Wonderbra was life changing.

Yes But No But Yes rounded up some of the best Wonderbra ads from the 90's including this traffic stopper:

And, as YBNBY notes, how many people pulled this until it broke?

More Wonderbra ads at YBNBY.

Yes, Christina Aguilera Has Humongous Breasts

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 May 2008 13:33:00 GMT

Even after losing forty pounds of baby weight, Christina Aguilera still has ginormous breasts. But just how big are they?

An E cup, folks. A freaking E cup. They shouldn't even be called cup sizes at that point. She's in mixing bowl territory. And she's a pretty small woman.

We can't even fathom that. It seems kind-of painful and annoying. Or maybe we're just trying to make ourselves feel better about our breastal inadequacy (which we know is not a real term, but you're laughing with us, not at us, right?).

To be fair, she's breast feeding and will probably go down a cup size or or four when she stops. And her boobs will still be huge.

[Us: Christina Aguilera reveals her breast size]

Sloppy Seconds: And Who Do These Glorious Breasts Belong To?

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 May 2008 21:41:00 GMT

Yet another reason (beyond Scanner Emily's blind love) that ABC should not have canceled "Men in Trees?" Anne Heche is now too broke to pay child support. [Gabby Babble]

Jodie Foster and her undercover lover of 14 years, Cydney Bernard, have split. We wonder if the trouble began before or after Foster thanked Bernard publicly. [Defamer]

Enough with the stupid celebrity couple names already! Johnifer? Really? [Us]

Uh, here's an idea to solve America's obesity problem? Food should be priced at 1-cent per calorie. We have to say, we'd be happy to pay less for kale these days, it's so damn expensive. [CalorieLab]

No need to explain, Mischa. If we could afford to move to Paris, we would, too. [People]

Why those are Angelina Jolie's glorious pregnancy breasts. And it appears all of her baby weight has gone there and to her belly, because she is still thin as a rail. [Yahoo!]

Boobpedia: The Encyclopedia of Big Boobs

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 May 2008 18:40:00 GMT

Maybe Wikipedia has porn on it to keep up with Boobpedia, which is like Wikipedia, but for boobs, rather big boobs.

Boobpedia is a free and user-editable encyclopedia of women with big boobs. Use it to look up your favourite busty models, celebrities and porn stars, find their big tit movies and pictures, or discover new favourites you never knew about. Even amateurs with big tits can be included here. The most important feature is that all information on Boobpedia is provided by users like you, and you can edit these articles, too! Boobpedia is truly the aggregate knowledge of all fans of big breasts!

Meet Blu Velvet, who has today's featured boobs (which look pretty normal-sized to us), and see her in all her glorious boobage after the jump.

Find boobs like Blu Velvets and many, many, many more (some good, some not so good) at Boobpedia.org. And, you know, edit your own entry if you're so inclined.

[via Fleshbot]

What Is The Deal With Neve Campbell's Breasts?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Seriously, maybe it is because I, Scanner Brian, am a male person, but I cannot quite wrap my ignorant head around these photos of Neve Campbell topless, at long last, in the new movie "I Really Hate My Job."

All we can say is: Now we understand why she didn't want to take off her top in "Wild Things." We thought it was because of that whole "Party of Five" do-gooder, non-Britney Spears kind of image she set for herself as an actress, but it turns out she may have just thought that her breasts would not be applauded by Hollywood. Who cares? She shouldn't worry-- if they're real, they're better than any of the 98 different versions we've seen of Pam Anderson's...

So, um, are those actually normal breasts? We're kidding-- the problem here is that we spend our days enjoying endless boob parades, featuring breasts that are almost always doctored, pert, and ready for primetime (porn) in some way. This could explain why, when faced with these photographs, we may react with a disturbed cry of terror. PS: Part of the problem with these pics is not the breasts-- it's that her head appears to be superimposed on someone else's body-- the photo just has that look about it. Wanna bet these are fake?

More on this unnatural disaster, via the Sun.

Sloppy Seconds: "I Need Sex"

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:00:00 GMT

A Baltimore teacher was attacked by her student as a classroom full of "Lean On Me" extra wannabes cheered the student on, while another student filmed the assualt on a cell phone. Apparently, the teacher missed Season 4 of "The Wire," with its explicit lesson: "Never move to Baltimore." (See the YouTube video here.)

Hugh Hefner's "The Girls Next Door" makes us believe in Heaven. Check out this totally awesome gif.

A wacky attention-starved Swedish professor thinks wearing a bra can cause saggy boobs. Wait-- he's advocating going braless? Oh, then he's a genius, no question.

Apparently people will get naked for no reason at all these days: somebody in Vienna is going to fill a football field full of 2,008 naked people. Really, you can get away with anything if you mumble long enough about "art" and "having a girlfriend, so I'm not going to look."

And woman on Facebook claims her group "I need sex" got her laid by 50 men. Only fifty men? With a name like that, you'd have to be uglier than Ashlee Simpson (the newly engaged Ashlee Simpson, by the way) not to get double that.

Thanks Tiffany and Paddy for the links!

L.A. Nightclub Asks "How Low Will Women Go For A Boobjob?"

Bryan Christian — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 04:33:00 GMT

As Salon's Broadsheet inevitably notes, the answer is "Pretty low." From the original article:

When limbo time rolled around, two greased-up dancers in red bikinis and furry Yeti Ugg boots were replaced by the six contestants. "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas bumped out of the bass-heavy speakers and the hopefuls began to bend over backward for new breasts. The difficulty was ratcheted up by the fact that the women had to limbo toward the audience. Even though almost everybody fell and confusion reigned, four winners emerged.

One, a tiny young woman named Tracy Boi who accompanied her spirited limbo techniques with gracious kisses blown to the audience, seemed particularly excited. "It's always nice to get free boobies[...]"

Well, we can't disagree with that. Seriously; we've tried really hard. Anyhow, have a look at the video!

Young Angelina Jolie Surprisingly Like Current One

Bryan Christian — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 18:46:00 GMT

... though mayhaps we detect a little growth in the chestal region? What do we think: late hormone bursts or, you know, money well spent? Click through for Exhibits A and B, and here for the full series.

Today in Food Porn: The Bacon Bra

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:45:00 GMT

Although food is often pornographic, porn is rarely edible.

Photos of the infamous bacon bra are circulating on the net, but they originated on Brian Kusler's Flickr page. The below photo comes with the below introduction from one lucky birthday dude:

"I don't really know how the idea came up... at some point after too many tequilas and my friend talking about how to get more men interested in her, someone said, "wait, men love bacon and boobs, why not combine the two? that's a million dollar idea right there!"

This is so hot it could make Lindsay Lohan look desirable.

The most mouth-watering part of all this hubbub is the following comment, posted on the same Flickr page:

we totally deep fried the bacon and ate it later :)

What's that sound that Homer makes when his mouth is having a food-related orgasm? "Ahwhwahhhauhhhh."

Photo of Bacon & Boobs: Brian Kusler

Boob Watch: Swedish Topless Crusaders Still At It

Bryan Christian — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 18:01:00 GMT

Jeez Louise, we are all for boobs getting free of their restraints -- whereever in the world -- but seriously, haven't these gals Ragnhild and Kristin been shoving their ta-tas in everyone's faces enough? We've written about them twice before, and dammit, we're gettin' a little sick of them. Yes, we know, they're incrementally securing the right to show your young female body in the Orwellian nightmare that is Sweden, and now they're inspiring other girls to do the same in The Netherlands. But can someone just, like, wake us up when R & K are leading a band of naked victorious nymphets across the Atlantic Ocean or something?

[img and copy via]

Sloppy Seconds: What's Stoopider Than Getting Knocked-Up at 16?

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 21:11:00 GMT

Salon wants to know which presidential candidate is better for sex education. [Salon]

A.C. Slater, we always knew you'd do big things in life. We just kind of thought they'd be attached to big men. Frankly, we're a little disappointed. [MollyGood]

Have you ever wondered what tentacle sex is like? We can tell you: it's weird. [Fleshbot]

Do you often find that the food you make out of a box looks nothing like the food on the box? Well, that's what you get for making food out of a box! But looking at the two side-by-side is pretty funny. [BoingBoing]

We could make so, so, so many comments about this, but that would be mean. So we'll just tell it like it is: a high school cheerleader died from complications during surgery to make her breasts just a little more perfect. [Palm Beach Post via Gawker]

Oh, Jamie Lynn Spears. We need to talk. If there's one thing more stupid than getting knocked up at 16, it's getting engaged at 16. [FameCrawler]

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to Boobs

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 22:14:00 GMT

In our lifetimes many boobs will come and go. But every once in a while a pair like no other comes along (and, no, they don't belong to Ashley Alexandra Dupre). And just like that, they're gone.

Highs:

New New York Governor David Paterson was up-front with the public about his past extra-martial affairs. And we totally respect that.

We found out you'd rather have sex with a real girl from New Jersey than a prostitute. But just barely.

We have a plan for that girl from New Jersey.

Spring came! And we celebrated by looking at some skin.

Facebook taught us that Mom was right all along.

We learned that every Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is now online.

We had a little too much fun when Fox News online momentarily lost its shit.

Barack Obama impressed us again. Yes, we're biased.

Lows:

We were disturbed by the Baby Jesus Butt Plug and the Rubber Fisting Mitten among other things.

We said goodbye to Halle Berry's glorious pregnancy breasts.

We also said goodbye to Asia Argento's golden years.

We laughed at someone else's misfortune: droopy ass implants.

We were reminded that it's been five years since the Iraq war began. Even though America just isn't that into Iraq.

Two (count them: one, two) kind-of important people died.

Scanner Nicole made us look at Katie Holmes' gnarly toes.

We had The Plauge.

When Re-Touchers Get a Little Magic Wand Happy We All Suffer, Especially Scanner Emily

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 19:07:00 GMT

I swore I wasn't going to bring this up, but after stumbling upon Photoshop Disasters today, I, Scanner Emily, actually have my own little bone to pick with the photo re-touchers at Time Out New York magazine. I, somewhat embarrassingly, was talked into appearing in the magazine's "Date Our Friends" feature a few weeks back and they photoshopped out one of my nostrils. I got over it, proved to the world I did, in fact, have both of my nostrils and moved on. But in this week's follow-up piece, they photoshopped out something much, much more important...

...one of my boobs! And we all know I already feel inadequate in that department. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the article isn't available online yet, so unless you, like us, have about seventeen free gift subscriptions to Time Out, you won't get to see Scanner Emily in all her Cyclops boob glory. But here's the nostril shot. You'd think they could have Photoshopped out my back fat and left my nostril where it belonged!

[Photoshop Disasters via DidntYouHear]

Women Pays For Implants Entirely With Online Donations

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 15:30:00 GMT

Why a woman in a with a "supportive" and understanding boyfriend, not to mention a child, needs breast implants to feel better about herself, and why her man isn't alarmed, is beyond us. Then again, we (Scanner Bryan not included) have never been breast men. We have to admit to scratching our collective heads over the recent news stories about the first Canadian woman to raise her boob funds entirely through anonymous online donations.

We've always been of the opinion that a woman with fake breasts is either a hot stripper (not girlfriend material) or a single fifty-year-old (not girlfriend material) or, well, just not girlfriend material. It's what we Americans call "a big-ass red flag." What does it say about a person who not only wants breast implants to feel some sense of self worth but also seeks the money for such an operation by scouring for anonymous online donations and flirting with creepy boob-crazed strangers at myfreeimplants.com?

Since joining the site in October 2006, [Candace] Leadley chatted with men around the world and posted photos of herself online to raise the roughly $9,000 needed for surgery.
Donations ranged from $10 to $250, she said, and came from men around the world.

Indeed, more importantly, who are these strange men who cough up half a paycheck to a chick they won't ever even see naked? Is this a new fetish that's going around?

And most importantly, are those tetas pictured above real? Your guesstimation, Doctor, in the comments. (And yes, we know the answer.)