Scanner : bizarre crap

Dude, You're Getting a French Maid's Lower Body

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 15:00:00 GMT

We had an extra $300 lying around the other day and we were forced to make a choice: put it in the underwear drawer and keep saving for the $1500 18-karat gold vibrator, or buy a computer case shaped like the bottom half of a stripper in a maid's outfit. Wondering what we decided on? Let's just say our underwear drawer is a little emptier, while our desktop has a special new "friend."

Posters for the Next 15 Movies We're Going to Rent

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 15:30:00 GMT

This list of the 15 most embarassing movies posters reads like our NetFlix queue. Anyone who doesn't want to see The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant after looking at this poster is so not invited for movie night.

Even That Model's Legs Can't Convince Us the Puppoose Is a Good Idea

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 15:30:00 GMT

Want to be attacked by a dog? Just buy a delightfully humiliating Puppoose, and watch the fur fly. Excuse us for saying so, but this carrier is whack. Of course, we'd love to take our dogs everywhere with us, hanging from our upper bodies like giant breathing necklaces [Ed. note: We would?], but sometimes, you've got to put the dog in the yard and head to the dentist alone. Don't worry, you can still make the pup into a representation of your personal style, just drop him off at this pig's tattoo artist next time you need to get a passport photo taken or buy a pair of capri pants. A full-back piece featuring the Star Wars characters is exactly what Muffy needs to complete your - we mean - her look.

There's a Mustache Party and You're All Invited

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 14:00:00 GMT

It's time to start planning next year's Halloween costume and this website of Nineteenth Century mustaches will be a great place to kick things off. Don't listen to the haters, it's never too early to grow a Faceshelf or an Overhand Twist for your Boris costume. Here at Scanner we are HUGE fans of the mustache. Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, Robert Goulet (sniffle), we love them all. While others say it's campy or even creepy, we celebrate upper-lip hair in verse and song, and with the occasional gala event. Nicole loves mustaches so much she grew one herself once back in 2004. What a great time, until the chin hair started to come in and ruined all the fun. Because chin hair on twenty-something women is just gross.

These Dogs Are Going to Turn Into Pumpkins After Midnight

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 18:27:00 GMT

We spent a solid three hours trying to wrestle our dog into his Halloween Glinda the Good Witch costume. He was NOT HAVING IT. He is totally fired. We're going to replace him with these dogs, who look like they know how to party. We were hoping to take them to Nightmare on Castro Street, but since it's shut down this year, we'll have to settle for a walk in the park and the first prize in this contest.

More fly-ass costumes our dog ripped to shreds after the jump.

We're going as Raggedy Andy! It's going to be magical.

We know you've probably seen this before, but come on! There is no such thing as overexposure for Pug Darth Vader.

Freddy Mercury Doll: About as Good as It Gets

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 17:00:00 GMT

If we had this doll, we'd put it on our mantles and give it daily offerings of sequins, Goldschläger, and unicorn tears. In other words, buy us this doll.

Happy Halloween! Buy Us Shoes!

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 16:53:00 GMT

Oh this Halloween shit is getting serious. We are officially in the spirit and there's no turning back. Why? Freddy Kreuger shoes. Forget fuck-me shoes; these are fuck-you shoes! They represent Kreuger's striped shirt and brown hat and, oh Jesus, they are special. Imagine how terrible we'd be, lurking around in these sneakers. Already running scared? No. Well then, please note that there's gore on the insole. Terrified now? Yes, that's what we thought. We are going to claw the shit out of anyone who gets in our way.

We'll Never Look at a Recumbent Bike the Same Way Again

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 14:15:00 GMT

Robert Stewart is on the sex offender's registry after he was convicted of having sex with a bicycle. We love our bike as much as the next guy, but we're not going to have sex with it in a Scottish hostel. Even if we did get the urge, we would have no idea what to do. There is, as far as we know, very little sex-with-bicycle precedent. But maybe we're wrong and there's a booming subculture of people who plow their bikes. We know about Objectophilia, the somewhat confusing practice of being in love with an inanimate object, but there's always that burning question....how? Inside? Outside? Around the back? Come on, perverts, help us out! If people are really going to do this, we need to know how it's getting done.

Sloppy Seconds: While You Were at the Christian Cuddle Party

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 19:00:00 GMT

Get your Christian cuddle party on. (via Susie Bright)

Just what you always wanted and just in time for Halloween: Spock ears!

One classy dude: Girl's soccer coach suspended for mooning rival team of 14- and 15-year-old girls.

There is a tree in India that would like to eat a cow.

Eating with the enemy? Ann Coulter at a high-profile, gay-owned, West Hollywood restaurant.

Happy Halloween! Want a Pumpkin Face Job?

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 17:02:00 GMT

"Why?" You ask. "Because we could," the Pumpkin Porn website replies. Don't know about you, but we'll stick with the Gene Simmons with ham tongue pumpkin, thank you very much.

Happy Halloween! Your 10-Year-Old Is Showing Cleavage.

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 15:34:00 GMT

The spookiest thing about these "occupational" sexy Halloween costumes for little girls is that somewhere there are parents who will buy them. The girls in these photos aren't old enough to trick-or-treat by themselves, but that shouldn't stop them from dressing up as saucy French maids for Halloween. It's time to rescue these children from themselves before they end up 22 years old, twice divorced, flashing their lady treasures while reading Dianetics in rehab. Shudder. Now there's a scary story.

Porno Hankies: Perfect for Blowing Your Nose...or Your Wad

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 15:00:00 GMT

Every time crafting meets perving, an angel gets its wings.

Happy Halloween! How About a Piña Colada From a Gorilla's Cock?

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 15:25:00 GMT

A friend once went to a party where a dwarf in lederhosen with a pair of fake tits filled with Jägermeister roamed the crowd dispensing shots from two nipple-shaped hoses. Wow. It's scary to realize this photo actually reminds us of something. We missed that party. But we'll be damned if our we're going to miss this piña-colada-spooging gorilla.

Will Someone Shoot Us in the F*cking Head With This Thing

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 18:46:00 GMT

Really? Why? Why do this to a perfectly good assault rifle? What the shit does this accomplish? Is it a toy? Is it a deadly weapon? We don't fucking know. All we know is that it's totally obscene and it's forced us to reevaluate our basic assumption that the world is pretty much good and although some bad things happen, in the end people want to do the right thing. Yeah, we don't believe that anymore. Now we believe in animal sacrifice and some god named Mofungu who promises to rid the Earth of infomercials and patchouli if we pray to him. Our wholesome, optimistic, secular life is over all thanks to the Hello Kitty assault rifle and this photo after the jump...

Welcome to our nightmares. Make yourselves at home.

(via Boing Boing and Giggle Sugar)

How Many Condoms Does It Take....

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 15:06:00 GMT

Ever wonder how many condoms you can pile on to one coke can sized dildo? 625, apparently. Before now, we hadn't realized that piling on condoms really enhances girth and width. See; look at what science and experimentation can teach us. We're going to hit the laboratory and test how many bras we can strap on to make our boobs bigger. Our guess? At least 40 or 50. We are going to be so stacked. (via Didn't You Hear...)

On Your Mark...Get Set...Buy Oddly Branded Shoes!

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 20:30:00 GMT

Who buys these Nascar brand high heels? We need to know. Without this information our understanding of life, love, and human nature can never be complete. We imagine you need some very large hair to go with these pumps, but WE JUST DON'T KNOW!