Scanner : bill o'reilly

Bill O'Reilly's Dirty Talk Express

Colleen Kane — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 13:36:00 GMT

Village Voice blogger Alan Scherstuhl, identifying himself as Your Crap Archivist, has lately covered two books penned by Bill O'Reilly. So very unfortunately for humanity, both books (but especially one), include sexual sexual material written by O'Reilly. Just what you never wanted!

In the case of the audiobook version of his 1998 crime novel Those Who Trespass, you can hear O'Reilly himself read passages about such topics as oral sex, shower sex as well as the following line from a crack dealer: "Say baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up." This Bill O' Reillyrotica was previously covered here on Scanner. However! Audio clips of the most ripe passages are available for your listening displeaure on the Voice's Running Scared blog. Sound board? Remixes? Anyone?

The week before that entry, Your Crap Archivist (still upset I didn't think of this title first) reviewed his 2004 book The O'Reilly Factor for Kids, with this choice quote: "I didn't have sex until I was twenty years old! Can you believe it? I was kind of a shy guy around girls, and I had absolutely no 'moves.'"

Alan notes his surprise at O'Reilly's " assumption that America's children should have thought often enough about when he might have lost his virginity to have formed prior opinions on the matter."

Your Crap Archivist Admirer is anxiously awaiting further dispatches from YCA.

Bill O'Reilly Is Probably Learning What "Goatse" Is Today

God, Er, Bill O'Reilly Calls for Conference to Discuss Dirty Miley Cyrus Pictures

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Finally Speaks Out About Brad Pitt

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:12:00 GMT

A rabbi says he was able to conquer his fear of Nazis... by playing Call of Duty.

First, it was Bob Dole with the Tarantino movies. Now, it's Gary Sinise and Redacted. Why is it the conservatives always attack movies they haven't even seen?

Chris Brown and Rihanna are... writing a book? And it's about domestic abuse?!

Let The Right One In and Milk were released on DVD yesterday. Both are highly recommended.

Jennifer Aniston said she will "always love Brad Pitt" and hopes that they'll be friends again someday.

Oh no... Jamie Lynn Spears is planning to enter a recording studio to make a country album.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are working it out. Sorry, dudes.

There are over 2,000 registered sex offenders on MySpace... 2,000 registered sex offenders just from North Carolina. In other news, people are still "on" MySpace.

And is Jim Cramer the meanest, loudest, most awful crybaby? Well, no, that's Bill O'Reilly, but Cramer does come pretty close at times.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

Our Favorite Stripper Wants You To Be Patriotic, Drink PBR

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Our resident stripper, Jocelyn Testes-Harder has been MIA for several months. She hasn't been at Charlie's, the downtown Richmond, Virginia club where the sometime office manager moonlights under the name, well, Jocelyn. We haven't seen her around the county dump either, although they just got in some new kids toys leftover from a fire sale.

Her neighbors haven't seen her around-- and we even checked with that guy with the night vision camera and binoculars. So, we'll have to make do with her last transmission to us, which was about her lazy, no-good, long-suffering fiancee and the joys of American patriotism mixed with cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer...

Q. Jocelyn, Joceyln... can you hear me?

A. Yeah... I don't know what it is about the sight of a man doing nothing that just makes my blood boil!

Q. I hear ya.

A. I know Phil works hard, and I respect that. But that don't mean he's gotta sit on ass and watch football every Sunday when I've got other things in mind that he could be doing. Of course I realize that Phil needs to relax sometimes. That's what sleep is for!

Q. Don't you think you're being harsh? I mean, you guys aren't even married yet and already you're bustin' balls?

A. I guess he doesn't get the fact that our life together started the minute he proposed. He seems to think that just because we're not living together yet he can still spend hours at his own house, doing his own thing. He already knows that as soon as he buys our new house I'm going to rent out my townhouse, but he hasn't even bothered to post it on Craigslist for me! I can't wait until we're living in a nice planned development, and I've got Phil under my thumb where he belongs. All doubt will be removed because I'll be able to plan his day for him, and adjust the schedule thoughout the day. He won't have to worry about pissing me off any more, because I'll make sure that he's always doing the right thing. Then we'll both be happy!

Q. Okay, we can see how your life is going to change as a married woman again. But how will your life change under our new President?

A. It's time to roll up our sleeves, slip on our stretchy "USA" sweat wristbands, and get back to work on this little project we call America. It's time to clean all that dog snot off our cars' rear passenger windows. Define telemarketing as a form of terrorism. And lock the kids out of the house for the entire summer. If those brats get thirsty they can drink from the hose!)

Q. Okay, no need to shout. I can hear you just fine. Do you have any advice for drastic steps Obama can take to make a change in your life?

A. Take bold steps... like turn our backs on creamed corn... rename "French fries" as "Early stroke fries". Legalize THC to maximize our paranoia level. Wear a thong to church to be closer to God. And deliberately mess with Texas, after having been repeatedly warned.

Q. Have you been following the Prop 8 debacle in C--

A. It's time to develop a genre of gay rap music. Help the homeless, or admit that we can't, and execute them. Win the race to develop the world's first scabies-proof mattress.

Q. Is Bill O'Reilly and Fox News the greatest threat to our general sanity?

A. We need to capture Bill O'Reilly alive, and seal him inside of an unventilated see-through coffin. Then we're gonna have a Pabst. And it's gonna be good....

[transmission cut]

Related:

PETA Gives Up, Decides to Just Have All-Stripper Campaigns

Holiday Shopping Tips From A Stripper

Tips From A Stripper: On Saving The Environment

Tips From A Stripper

Sloppy Seconds: Evan Rachel Wood Goes There, We Lose Our Lunch

Emily Farris — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 23:07:00 GMT

Novelist John Updike is dead at 76. [AFP]

Don Draper on 30 Rock is going to give us serious sensory overload, and we're going to like it! Here's a preview: [Vulture]

Perv alert! Naked Broadway star ~~Harry Potter~~ Daniel Radcliffe invited Sasha and Malia Obama to "Hogwarts." We've not read Harry Potter so that probably sounds a lot dirtier and more grown up than it really is. [People]

Bill O'Reilly called Jessica Alba "dumb" and she did not like it. Not one bit. [Us]

News flash: Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement (from "Flight of the Conchords" for those of you who live in a cave) are not poor in real life. Did we really need a news story to tell us that? Um, apparently, we did. [Yahoo!]

21-year-old Evan Rachel Wood was spotted making out with her 56-year-old on-screen dad Mickey Rourke last night. Gag us with a lock of his greasy hair! [FOXNews]

While You Were Sleeping: Zooey Deschanel's Next Record

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:16:00 GMT

Lily Allen's bizarre, Amy Winehouse-style rampage continues.

The stars react to their surprise Oscar nominations.

Who do you think said this: "I know people will find that as another thing to hate me on, but fuck it. I'm open to doing porn. Hell, I'll even do bisexual scenes - myself, another man and a woman, or just me and two women. I know people will find that as some weird shit, but I am who I am." The answer? Kanye West.

It's definitely over between Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, friends. Macadams is now dating Josh Lucas.

Good for Young Jeezy for standing up to Bill O'Reilly: "I felt it was necessary."

Right-wing Democrat Kirsten Gillibrand is likely to be named as Hillary Clinton's replacement in the Senate about the time you read this.

And Zooey Deschanel is working with M. Ward on their followup to She & Him: Volume One. Hopefully, her fiancee, Ben Gibbard, will refrain from droning on in his lyric writing during their rumored collaboration.

What Do Christian Bale And Kermit The Frog Have In Common?

Today's Topless PETA Roundup

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Sends Topless Pic To Wrong Guy

Video of the Day: Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits or Republican Porn

Scanner Matt — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 18:01:00 GMT

What vile garbage will be spewed forth this time as Ann Coulter begs the public not to forget her? Here's a video of all the wonderful nuggets of wisdom Ann has bestowed while trying to sell books, including a new zinger for 2009.

23/6 has put together a nifty video for your viewing pleasure/horror:

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

Related:

Video of the Day: Fox News Infighting, Bill-O Gets Trashed

Sloppy Seconds: Jessica Biel Finally Goes Topless

Stewart Goes After Huckabee Over Gay Marriage

In Photo War, Patriots Cheerleaders Outdo Cleveland Cavs Cheerleaders

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:12:00 GMT

The Cleveland Cavaliers cheerleaders had a photo scandal earlier this month that resulted in many self-righteous commentators spewing nonsense about how disgraceful their innocent, playful, and totally raunchy pics were. (Bill O'Reilly, as usual, had to outdo everyone by giving the girls a public spanking: "[T]his isn't ... the inner city; you would think that these kids would have some kind of a values system.")

In the ensuing chaos, everyone forgot about another cheerleader scandal-- that one in football, courtesy of the New England Patriots. (Still with us?) Next, the other Patriots cheerleaders, we're guessing wildly here, got jealous of all their rivals' media attention and FHM offers and decided to leak sexy photos from the past...

Here are the best, courtesy of some guy named Don Chavez. We're guessing he makes tequila or something.

Oh. How risque... they possess lingerie and footwear. Whoopee.

Nude High School Cheerleader Scandal is Disturbing for a Few Reasons

Is "Tech Sex" Somewhere Between Cyber Sex and Technical Sex?

Hooters Fires Physically-Abused Waitress For Not Looking Hot Enough

And The Bad Sex in Fiction Winners Are...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:18:00 GMT

The British know their sex... which is why they're also qualified to judge the 2008 Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. And this ain't "bad sex" that appears "in fiction." It's bad sex writing from some of the great novels of the year, including John Updike's Witches of Eastwick sequel...

Updike takes the year's Lifetime Achievement Award, while the year's top honoree is Rachel Johnson, sister of London Mayor Boris (what's up with these conservatives, like Bill O'Reilly and Scooter Libby, not knowing how to write sex? Wait, nevermind, we know the answer.)

Based on a cursory search of these books for sex scenes, we found this one from Updike's latest:

She said nothing then, her lovely mouth otherwise engaged, until he came, all over her face. She had gagged, and moved him outside her lips, rubbing his spurting glans across her cheeks and chin. God, she was antique, but here they were. Her face gleamed with his jism in the spotty light of the motel room, there on the far end of East Beach, within sound of the sea.

In a Guardian interview, Johnson is a good sport, while the article's author points out some passages that might have caught the committee's attention:

Johnson was singled out for her novel's slew of animal metaphors, including comparing her male protagonist's "light fingers" to "a moth caught inside a lampshade", and his tongue to "a cat lapping up a dish of cream so as not to miss a single drop". Literary Review deputy editor Tom Fleming was also disturbed by the heroine's "grab, to put him, now angrily slapping against both our bellies, inside".

Just for laughs, here's the 2007 winner, by our good buddy, now deceased, Norman Mailer:

'Are you alright?' she cried out as he lay beside her, his breath going in and out with a rasp that sounded as terrible as the last winds of their lost children.
'All right. Yes. No,' he said. Then she was on him. She did not know if this would resuscitate him or end him, but the same spite, sharp as a needle, that had come to her after Fanni's death was in her again. Fanni had told her once what to do. So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One - that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before.
The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. it surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.

It's enough to turn you off having sex, let alone just reading about it.

Related:

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: The Top 5

Top 3 Reasons "Twilight" Isn't Cool…or Sexy... or Worth Your $10

This Week In Gayness: Rise Above The Hate

Sex Crimes Prosecutor Charged With Twelve, Count 'Em, Twelve Sex Crimes

Mom Films Her Boyfriend Having Sex with Her 13-Year-Old Daughter

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

Yeah, Um, We'd Rather Not Read About Laura Bush And Oral Sex, Please

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:58:00 GMT

Can someone please read American Wife, the new Primary Colors-style fictionalized account of the life and marriage of First Lady Laura Bush, and let us know the juicy details? Because we'd rather not have to read anymore than we already did...

"He bent his head to kiss my sternum, my navel and belly … to open me up, and he brought his face in and was licking me, he was licking me firmly and repeatedly, and it seemed both difficult to believe (Charlie Blackwell’s face burrowed between my legs?) and also entirely inevitable: beyond logic and language and decorum…. His cheeks between my thighs, his bobbing head, and his earnest assiduous lapping—very quickly, it was too much to bear, and I gasped and cried out. It was like tremors, and I felt my thighs clenching around his head, and when he came up a few seconds later and kissed my forehead, I said, ‘I hope I didn’t suffocate you,’ and he said, ‘I can’t think of a better way to go."

Don't worry, it's not another one of those lovely Scooter Libby or Bill O'Reilly porn books, but... oh donkey spank, it's way worse:

[The] sex scenes, like the one of Bush — sorry, Charlie — finding himself between his wife’s legs. Reading it makes us very uncomfortable, because we like our president unethical and stupid, not horny and giving of himself.

We don't like our President at all, but that might be part of why we don't want to hear about his three-inch boners. Apparently, this is not even the least controversial aspect of Curtis Sittenfeld's book:

Her main character, Alice Blackwell, is a librarian whose husband Charlie finds himself manning the Oval Office. Blackwell learns her grandmother is a lesbian (this is taboo), kills her high school sweetheart at 16 (sort of like Laura did when she was involved in a fatal car accident), sleeps with his brother, finds herself in a family way, and aborts the fetus (this would anger pro-life types, like Laura Bush).

More via Radar/Jossip.

Right-Wing Nutjob Kevin James Proves Right-Wingers Are Nutjobs

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 May 2008 13:00:00 GMT

When we've toured the country for political candidates, we've noticed that although there are civil conversations to be had with some people, most right-wingers are utterly clueless on the issues (this actually has been statistically proven-- look it up if you don't believe it) and tend to subscribe to the Bill O'Reilly school of Thunder Makes Right.

Kevin James, the radio show host and thankfully not the ridiculous actor, embarrassed himself and the Republican Party last night on, of all places, Hardball, where he was shown up by, of all people, Chris Fucking Matthews.

They were discussing President Bush's atrocious remarks (does he ever say anything intelligent?) about Barack Obama, comparing him with his beautiful logic to Nazi sympathizers and "appeasers."

Check out the hilariously painful clip of his loud (and wrong) attempt to rewrite history. Yes, we're biased, although we defy anyone to send us a clip of a liberal loudmouth acting like this much of an asshole.

Videos of the Day: Because You Can't Have Just One Bill O'Reilly Freak Out Video

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:59:00 GMT

The remix, after the jump.

And, of course, Steven Colbert has to defend Papa Bear.

[Previously: Vintage Clips: Bill O'Reilly Flips the F*ck Out]

Bill O'Reilly Erotica For Old Times' Sake

Katie Halper — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:15:00 GMT

Bill O'Reilly's recently released outburst has inspired us to republish some of his sexiest literary outbursts. So we present part one of our two-part series on Bill O'reillyrotica. This gem comes from Bill's titillating novel, Those who Trespass (ISBN 0-7679-1381-7).

Those who Trespass: A Novel of Murder and Television is O'Reilly's timeless classic, which is just as sexy today as it was when it was published in 1998. In fact, O'Reilly knows it's a hot item and describes it as an "R-rated thriller" that's "not for children, not for adults who find strong situations objectionable." Mel Gibson, who knows a good story when he sees one, has already optioned the rights to "The Passion of the O'Reilly." Here's sneak peek into the mind of O'Reilly and the pages of Those who Trespass:

Stripping off her bathing-suit, she walked into the huge shower. She pulled the lime green curtain across the entrance and then set the water for a tepid 75-degrees. The spray felt great against her skin as she ducked her head underneath the nozzle. Closing her eyes she concentrated on the tingling sensation of water flowing against her body. Suddenly another sensation entered. Ashley felt two large hands wrap themselves around her breasts and hot breathe on the back of her neck. She opened her eyes wide and giggled, "I thought you drowned out there snorkel man."

Tommy O'Malley was naked and at attention. "Drowning is not an option", he said, "unless of course you beg me to perform unnatural acts right here in this shower."

We're sure you're already "at attention." But you'll have to come back tomorrow when we present part two of our Bill O'Reillyrotica series to finish off.

Vintage Clips: Bill O'Reilly Flips the F*ck Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 May 2008 13:33:00 GMT

New York Anchorwoman Sue Simmons has nothing on Bill O'Reilly. But we already knew that, didn't we?

[via The Amber Show]

God, Er, Bill O'Reilly Calls for Conference to Discuss Dirty Miley Cyrus Pictures

Emily Farris — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 20:58:00 GMT

Mankind's moral authority, Bill O'Reilly, has called a conference to discuss the state of the world now that Miley Cyrus has shown her green bra to the Interwebs.

"Look, we have so few role models, particularly for little girls in this country," he said on his show Wednesday. "She is the main one. I hate to see this.

"Parents all over the country like this girl because she is clean-cut."

In the photos, he said she "is kinda doing a teasy, peek-a-boo thing."

"She's 14 in these pictures — that is the problem," he added. "She's 14, and and the guy [is] obviously older [in the photos]."

Boy, does he have a lot to learn about 14-year-old girls.

[Us Weekly: Bill O'Reilly Calls for Conference to Discuss Racy Miley Cyrus Pics]

Bill O'Reilly Is Probably Learning What "Goatse" Is Today

Bryan Christian — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 13:09:00 GMT

So what do you think: an accidental reference to the legendarily grody internet meme or a wonderfully deviant little act of internal revolt on the part of someone in Fox News design department? Either way, we'd love to hear from whatever lowly research assistant it was that had to break the news to Bill-O this morning. "Yeah, um, well, last Friday, that graphic that we used with the thumbs, well, it sort of looks like... um..."

No, seriously, to that guy or gal: falafel on us if you send us a mail from your fox.com account telling us all about it.

Obama's Anti-Racism Speech Inspires Comedians To Get All Racist

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 15:52:00 GMT

Leave it to comedians Chris Rock, Pauly Shore, and Pat Buchanan to get all racist about the Obama speech on racism. (Wait a minute... one of those guys isn't a comedian! And Pat Buchanan isn't funny either....)

Shore was videotaped whining that he's not successful because he's "not black," and "I need to be black, because if I was black, I'd be doing good...
I mean, all the black comedians are doing good. You have D.L. Hughley, you have Monique, Cedric the Entertainer, Martin Lawrence, Charlie Murphy. White people are screwed. Especially in my industry, they're screwed. White people are going to be picking cotton within, like, literally within three years." Sadly, he was serious.

Well, duuuhh... that's because he's not a comedian. Certainly not a comic in the same panethon as Chris Rock-- that is, a brilliant young man who we'd bet our bottom dollar had something intelligent to say about all this "Black Man For President" fuss:

"I don't think a black woman can be first lady of the United States. Yeah, I said it! A black woman can be president, no problem. First lady? Can't do it. You know why? Because a black woman cannot play the background of a relationship. Just imagine telling your black wife that you're president? 'Honey, I did it! I won! I'm the president.' 'No, we the president! And I want my girlfriends in the Cabinet! I want Kiki to be secretary of state! She can fight!'" [Rolling Stone, via PageSix]

Pat Buchanan caused a minor stir, mainly because Scanner Brian is the only person who actually watches The McLaughlin Group, for his insightful comments into the state of race relations in this country:

America has been the best country on earth for black folks. It was here that 600,000 black people, brought from Africa in slave ships, grew into a community of 40 million, were introduced to Christian salvation, and reached the greatest levels of freedom and prosperity blacks have ever known. [via Buchanan's blog, which we won't link to under any circumstances]

We're laughing so hard about that opening line that we almost forgot to add a few more things:

There was even a racist hubbub at Fox News, home of humorist and feminist Bill O'Reilly, where infighting led to walkoffs and smackdowns. Yawn.

And on Sunday, we read an interview with Kris Kristofferson, wherein he quotes a country music DJ who said the problem with MLK's assassination was that there weren't enough bullets for Jesse Jackson as well. But the DJ can be excused, apparently, because he's not a comedian. Again, we're not sure what Pauly Shore's excuse is...

[Image via BuddyTV]

Bill O'Reilly Defends His Own Racism

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 20:30:00 GMT

Bill O'Reilly used the following phrase on his radio show the other night: "Now, I don't want to go on a lynching party against Michelle Obama."

The rest of the sentence? "Unless there's evidence."