Scanner : bikini

PapSmeared: Holly Madison Leads the Bikini Parade

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 May 2009 16:12:00 GMT

Omaha Bar Hosts Jello Wrestling Contest For Charity...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 21:22:00 GMT

...guess how that turned out?

Think about it: you're all bar owners in Omaha, Nebraska. (Really, what else is there to do except hang out at the Saddle Creek offices and try to pick up hipsters? You gotta have a bar.) You want to get more people to stop in at your bar, so you organize an event under the auspicies of donating the cover charge to charity, all while racking up huge profits on drink sales. But to really get people to show up, you get a bunch of local drunks to wear bikinis and tear it up in a vat of Jello.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, for one thing, it's entirely illegal to have boobs and ass anywhere near beer and booze in the state of Nebraska. And you know damn well what bikini Jello wrestling leads to, particularly when the contestants are all likkered up before the opening gong:

Owners of a west Omaha bar have been fined over a fundraiser that got out of control. The 120 Blondes Lounge at 120th and Blondo streets was disciplined by the state Liquor Control Commission over a gelatin wrestling incident that ended with full nudity.

The event featured women who wrestled in a pool of flavored gelatin. The contestants in the competition were wearing bikinis, at least at first.

Photos taken at the event show one woman falling out of the pool and another one who's clearly topless. "As the crowd got more interested, apparently the clothing was removed and they were mostly in the nude," said Hobert Rupe of the Nebraska Liquor Control Commission.

Hobert has a career waiting for him in public relations after he gets bored of denying strip clubs their God-given Night Train beer-- ha ha, "apparently clothing was removed." Hobert, dude, that's what we here in the US of A call "they ripped their clothes off, thinking Joe Francis was taping." But no matter who removed the clothing, the bar is still liable-- even though, in this case, witnesses attested to the fact that the owners ejected the "strippers" immediately.

At least 120 Blondes didn't lose their license.

Via KETV.

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Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Michael Phelps appears to be content to vanish into a haze of canned beer stink and vaporized marijuana in the city of Baltimore, Maryland.

Today, one of his sex partners (we hesitate to use the term "ex-girlfriend," since the only real date they had was a "special value meal" together at Taco Bell), a stripper named Theresa White (we're guessing the 25-year-old Latin bombshell is using an alias) spoke with News of the World about the orgies, drugs, junk food, and best of all, the three-hour marathon sex sessions with the Olympian...

Her scandalous allegations about the multiple-gold winner include:

-she actually picked him up one night when they were drunk at her strip club. She staggered over and asked him if he wanted to take anyone in the club home with him and he said "you" and pointed to two other girls. Eventually, a threesome was arranged, apparently Phelps' first. It's good to be the King Stoner.

-Phelps spends all his money in (illegal?) online gambling rooms, where he hopes to one day become a champion, his new goal in life

-never took her out on a real date, unless you count Taco Bell, which we believe 100%

-hates Spaniards

-had sex with her for more than three hours and "should be given a gold medal for lovemaking," according to White, who also offhandedly mentions she has 34D boobs

-okay, we made up the Spaniards one

-has a harem of at least five or six women he considers "easy lays" in the Baltimore area

-has a major chewing tobacco habit and his house smells like ass-- and not the good kind

Phelps, it's time to clean up your act. There will be many more women angry with you and willing to soil the public image you cherish so deeply...

Via News of the World.

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PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:15:00 GMT

District Attorney George Skumanick Jr. Tunkhannock, Pennsylvania is in deep doo-doo after bullying and threatening the parents of a bunch of girls between the ages of 10 and 16 about their sexting problems. He threatened to imprison an eleven year old for something that isn't even a crime (wait'll you hear this) and is being sued by the ACLU on behalf of three furious families.

Skumanick sat down with parents one day and showed them the lurid images and said that either the girls enter into a treatment program for their sexual problems or be forced to endure a trial to juvie hall, a trial, and possible jail time.

Another confiscated phone had photos of a 17-year-old girl that she described in an interview as "semi-nude pictures, underwear and stuff like that." The girl, who took the photos herself, was debating whether to send them to her boyfriend when a teacher took the phone.

Mr. Skumanick thought he had enough evidence to charge them as juveniles on pornography violations -- not just for sending the photos, but for appearing in them, too.

At a school assembly during the crisis, one boy was ejected and told "this isn't a debate" for questioning whether the DA was ruining people's lives by carrying on his investigation. Soon after, letters began appearing in mailboxes around Wyoming County, telling parents their children were being suspected of involvement with child porn and ordering the adults to appear at a courthouse meeting, where the phones were laid out and anyone could see the porn pics. An 11-year-old in a bathing suit was told she could be charged for "posing provocatively."

Another was told the years-old photo of her in a bra at an all-girls slumber party could get her in deep trouble-- and that she could be raped by an old man who might across the pic. One 17-year-old attended the meeting herself and cried out,"I think the worst punishment is knowing that all you old guys saw me naked. I just think you guys are all just perverts."

And not long after that, the ACLU filed suit, effectively blocking charges against the children Skumbag is so aggressively pursuing.

Via WSJ. [Please right-click to open this link in a new window.]

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Mel Gibson's Mistress Begins the Obligatory Photo Leak Phase of Her Stardom

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Who is Oksana Pochepa and why is she, of all the women in Mel Gibson's life since his 28-year-long marriage began, the one to break up his happy union?

According to ShowBizSpy:

Oksana Pochepa claims that she had a romantic relationship with the 53-year-old actor and has now fallen in love.
“This is serious and I hope that our union will be real and strong and long-lasting,” she told British tabloid The Sun.
Pochepa also confirmed that she is the mystery brunette photographed kissing Gibson on a Costa Rican beach in March.
And according to Us Weekly, Gibson met Oksana last August when she was hired to compose a song for the actor’s upcoming thriller Edge of Darkness.

Wait, she's so big that American film producers asked her, a young Russian pinup, to compose a song for their major Hollywood blockbuster? Something's fishy about her story, and we won't know until either a) Mel Gibson breaks his silence or b) the men with butterfly nets take her off to a secret KGB warehouse for brainwashing. No?

By the way, based on these photos alone, would she be able to break up your marriage?

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World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 19:09:00 GMT

Polish model and soon-to-be megafamous sex symbol Joanna Krupa gave an interview to FoxNews this week about how she got into this whole business of laying about half-undressed... and totally undressed.

Blame the Pope.

Krupa, a Polish 20-something recently named The World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model by Playboy (Bar Rafaeli is crying in her two piece), says that it's her European upbringing that made her comfortable enough with herself to do tasteful nudity:

"I think worrying about going topless in a photo shoot or film is really ridiculous," Krupa told FOXNews.com in an exclusive interview. "And the fact is Pope John Paul said, since we were born naked, it is art, and it's just showing a beautiful body that God created."

Amen. [Yes. That's Fox's word.]

"I was born in Europe, and Europeans have a more casual, natural way of dealing with nudity," Krupa adds. "Interestingly enough, these days, you see nudity and toplessness in almost every critically acclaimed movie, and whenever I pick up a French Vogue, I see bare breasts, and French Vogue still sets the standards."

"I can tell you that I am very proud that everything I have achieved to date has happened due to the hard work of my team and myself," she said. "I was never tempted to give in [to the casting couch] because I have always been in committed relationships, and take the word 'committed' very seriously."

"I live a normal life where family and love comes first. The minute I leave a set, I go back to my regular life and simply enjoy a night at home with my sweetheart and dogs, and if we go out, it's just with a few good friends. I watch the circus, but don't join it. People expect a busy model to be on every party and to indulge in crazy behavior, drugs and multiple lovers - I represent the opposite of that."

Krupa also adds that a PETA ad might not be far off..

"I dedicate as much time as I can to fight for animal rights, and against horrific realities like fur factories and puppy mills," she added. "I also have a column on www.bestswimwear.com where I talk about how to get your body in bikini shape, while still enjoying life, and especially food."

Here's that bikini shape she was talking about:

And the NSFW photos that made the Pope proud are below...

WARNING: NSFW BOOBS... as if the above photos aren't...

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What Country Has The Most Women Wearing DD Bras?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:10:00 GMT

We're betting you were going to guess "the United States of America" right off the bat. Don't.

According to a variety of sources, the average bra in the US is a B Cup, more specifically a 34B. (In a widely circulated survey in 2005, Americans were found to be wearing more B cups than C cups, 44% to 28%, and more A cups than D cups, 15% to 10%.)

If you were going to say the United Kingdom has the most double D's, guess again...

The winner of our unofficial and unscientific survey is... Australia!

Up to 40 per cent of Australian women now buy bras with a cup size of DD or higher, new figures from lingerie suppliers show.

In the 1950s, the most common bra-cup size was a B - three sizes less than a DD.

Modern breasts are getting so large that some bra companies have introduced cup sizes as high as K, The Sunday Telegraphreports.
...sales of DD-plus bras have grown from about 20 per cent of sales to 28 per cent in just five years.

The best line of the whole story explains that boobs are growing because of The Pill and artificial hormones... but, of course, because of obesity, as well. If that's the case, we have to wonder why the World's Fattest Country hasn't enlarged its average cup size.

Meanwhile, a local surgeon says his breast reduction schedule has doubled in recent years.

"There's no question that because the population is bigger their breasts are bigger as well, because it's all fatty tissue.

"As women get older the amount of fatty tissue increases, and also the proportion of fat increases."

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French President Names Woman To Cabinet Because She's Hot

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

French President Nicholas Sarkozy is about to lose his justice minister, the controversial Rachida Dati, who will leave a giant hole in the daily tabloids when she departs in June. (Dati, as you may recall, became a single mother at 42 and then caused an uproar when she attended a cabinet meeting five days later.)

Sarkozy realized France loves its female politicians, particularly much-discussed, attractive ones. So, his next Cabinet minister is going to be Christine Kelly, a woman "known for appearing in her bikini and appearing on TV..."

According to the Telegraph, Kelly was chosen because:

"Mr Sarkozy is hugely impressed that she is not only attractive, but in touch with the modern world,' said a source in the governing UMP party. Ed. Note: Notice he mentioned her looks first...

Yep, those are pretty much the extent of her qualifications, at least according to that story. Sarkozy is well on his way to becoming the next Silvio Berlusconi.

More about Kelly here, if the translation works.

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"I Broke My Nose On Your Stripper Pole"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 15:52:00 GMT

A New Zealand softcore porn star and sometime stripper is suing the Sexpo after a disastrous live performance that got her in trouble with festival organizers...

Lisa Lewis, no relation to any other Lisa Lewis we might've heard of here in the States, calls herself an "international star, exotic dancer and soft porn star." She may or may not be the same Lisa Lewis who ran through a rugby match three years ago wearing only a bikini, and subsequently landed a spot on an all-nude newscast on AltTV. In any case, that Lisa Lewis is the author of this unfortunate YouTube video, entitled Does Lisa Lewis Spit or Swallow?, a clip about brushing your teeth.

Lisa Lewis With the Dark Hair was performing a stripper routine in only a G-string at the Sexpo when she slipped and broke her nose on what she claims was a faulty pole. (She has been performing for ten years-- since the ripe old age of 17-- so we can't chalk it up to beginner's suck.) The adult film star says she warned organizers they needed a fresh pole, but they apparently ignored her.

One source claims that Lewis was ejected from the venue after putting her hands in her underwear in a masturbatory fashion. Organizers booted her, saying the act was "too risque."

But something stinks here-- does this mean she was thrown out before or after the nose injury? Seems to us like one of those two events-- the broken nose and the ejection-- are fabrications.

Photo and quote via.

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The Latest Sexist Fad: Coleslaw Wrestling

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 18:07:00 GMT

Every year since 2003, the Cabbage Patch Bar in Daytona Beach, Florida has been hosting an event called Coleslaw Wrestling, which is the same as Jello Wrestling, only way more disgusting.

The event, a mainstay of the well-attended Biketober Fest and Bikeweek celebrations, draws hundreds of dudes in American flag bandanas, sleeveless leather jackets, and faded jean shorts... in other words, Real Americans...

One website claims some of the (always female) wrestlers perform topless, we found almost zero evidence of this. However, we only went through a tiny portion of the thousands of photographs taken of the event in the last five years.

We'll have the 2009 photos sometime after this weekend's Bikefest, which starts today. Until then, remember: Budweiser bathing suits are awesome... coleslaw wrestling? Not so much.

Via Cabbage Patch Bar.

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Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

Brian Fairbanks — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Life in prison for consensual sex with a 16-year-old boy? That's a big WTF.

North Dakota fired another salvo in the war against the morning after pill and other "abortions": they passed a law stating that life begins at conception.

Speaking of conception, it's the reason a big celebrity couple recently broke up...

Hayden Panettiere's relationship with Milo Ventimiglia apparently wasn't strong enough to survive the always-fun pregnancy scare. According to the Chicago Sun-Times, "The test proved negative but apparently caused friction that sparked the breakup." [The Superficial]

Here's a new way to keep paranoid tabs on your significant other: the Driving Activity Reporter, which tracks, maps, and saves your car's movement history.

Have you heard about the crazy cafeteria occupation at NYU? Two girls decided to take to the streets without their clothes on and Fleshbot has the pictures.

Rihanna has wisely decided to refrain from public comment about Chris Brown. Smart gal.

Two stories left over from earlier this week: the New York Times says women know when men are turned on because the smell of the man's sweat will change.

And, in men, "the part of the brain associated with empathy for other peoples' emotions and wishes shut down after looking at [sexy bikini] pictures."

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Sports Illustrated Fails At Bikinis, Tries Bodypainting

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Sports Illustrated is trying everything to ensure the 2009 Swimsuit Issue is a gigantic success. They've enlisted up-and-coming megastar Bar Rafaeli, soon-to-be-fiancee of Leonardo DiCaprio, as their cover model.

But more importantly, they've brought back the bodypaint...

A few photos of the Grenada shoot by Randall Grant have come our way and you're either going to love 'em or leave 'em. They're definitely not for everyone. (The models below are, in order, Brooklyn Decker, Irina Shayk, Julie Henderson, and Jessica White, who is also seen above.)

Gaahh! What is Ben Franklin doing glaring out of her vagina?

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That Wasn't Bikini Girl's First Time in a Bikini...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 19:06:00 GMT

One suspects that Katrina Darrell sleeps, operates motor vehicles, and possibly showers while wearing her trademark skimpy bikini. The doomed (we say) American Idol contestant likely has no interest in actually winning the show (she has no chance-- can you imagine the female backlash, via text message, once audience voting heats up?) She's there to show off her body in hopes a modeling agency will snap her up.

And just to make sure, she's made the public well aware that there are oodles of swimsuit shots of her floating around on the internet...

Personally, we could care less about Fox's made-up fight between Darrell and Kara DioGuardi, the new judge in town. We could care less about either of them, in fact. All we want to know is how to get in touch with this young hopeful, Casey Carlson.

(By the way, the question "can she sing?" is irrelevant, since no one who has ever appeared on the show, besides perhaps Jennifer Hudson, has ever kept us from fleeing the supermarket when their songs come on.)

Forget about the so-called "Bikini Girl," this is the bikini-clad gal of our dreams-- and although this is Photoshopped to all hell, it's clear she at least has some meat on those bones...

More of her here.

Bacon Bra, Meet Your Soulmate

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Remember this from last year? Some of you must've, since it got linked just about everywhere and caused at least two vegetarians to publicly convert. (Okay, we made up the latter detail.)

The sports blog InGameNow has unveiled... the bacon bikini...

Another perk thanks to working from home: we can order four bacon cheeseburgers and no one is here to stop us. Or steal them.

By the way, the Modern Materialist has a purse for those ladies who love bacon... overcooked bacon, that is:

More photos at InGameNow.

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We Wish They'd Shut Down American Idol Instead of Stripper Idol

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 23:56:00 GMT

Did anyone else see this train wreck, pictured above, who somehow manage to squeak by the competition and land a trip to Hollywood? Not only did she skank it to the max to highlight her vocal shortcomings, but then she tried to make out with Ryan Seacrest-- twice. Bleech.

30.1 million people tuned in for Tuesday night's season premiere of American Idol. Among those who were not watching-- patrons at the Austin bar The Palazio Men's Club, who had better things to do...

(Sure, the contest is on Thursday nights, but it's not like the patrons were watching Fox the other night, what with glorious stripping right in front of them.)

American Idol's lawyers, who apparently have infinite amounts of money and time, decided to shut down the Texas competition which pits amateur topless females in 60-second strip-offs for a cash prize of $500. (That's it? Hell, strippers used to make $500 a night each... and now there'll only be one and everyone else gets zilch?) The bored lawyers claim that the "color scheme, design and font" of the Austin competition is too similar to the Fox one-- we're sure it's identical, but that's not the point-- and then this gem:

"There is a substantial likelihood that consumers will be confused, misled or deceived as to the sponsorship ... of the defendants' stripper talent contest."

Right. Grandma who wants to see another Jordan Sparks wannabe is going to go to a bar, thinking that the show is no longer on TV, and will somehow miss that the word "American" has been changed to "STRIPPER." Of course, the judge will side with whomever has the highest-paid lawyers, so Texas is screwed again.

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Video of the Day: Sharon Osbourne Attacks Sexy Reality Show Moron

Scanner Matt — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 18:35:00 GMT

Sharon Osbourne, wife of legendary rocker, Ozzy, went after a ditzy "Rock of Love Charm School" contestant this Sunday with a giant cup of something that resembled wine. Security rushed the stage soon after.

Supposedly Megan Hauserman, the loud ditzy contestant who insulted Sharon's beloved Ozzy, filed a police report after taping in December, which claimed Sharon Osbourne grabbed her hair, scratched her and wrecked her weave. All that made the cut was Sharon pouring a drink all over the girl.

We assume it was edited down for the show. It feels very Jerry Springerish, but if this police report wasn't just a publicity stunt its a nice glimpse of how Sharon probably took care of groupies and degenrates back on tour in the ol' days.

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Lingerie Football Linebacker Sues Ex For Leaking Her Nude Photos

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 18:49:00 GMT

Melissa Berry, a linebacker for the lingerie football league (for some reason, the words "linebacker" and "lingerie" don't go together in our brains), is suing her ex for 15 g's after it was discovered he posted photos of her giving a blow job.

We may have to side with him on this one: since we can't seem to find any records of the nude photos online (and unless someone sends us a link, damn it), we have to suspect they were never there in the first place. However, given this guy's profession, we almost hope this story is true...

According to various news outlets, Mark Dawson, the 45-year-old ex in question, is a "safe dating expert." (Lesson Number One: Don't Let Your Boyfriend Have Possession of Your Nude Photos.) After Berry dumped his sorry ass, Dawson decided to get revenge by showing the photos, which were on his cell phone; somehow, Berry got ahold of the phone and smashed it to pieces. Her former lover responded by demanding $500 for the device's replacement; when this wasn't provided, he started forwarding the nude photos of Berry. Recipient #? Berry's mother.

Recipient's #2 through infinity would be the internet, if, again, anyone ever actually saw the photos before they were pulled. Based on the claim by Berry's attorney that they feature his client engaged in a “particularly private, intimate sexual act,” we can imagine they involve something like the below photo, only more naked-er.

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Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 17:44:00 GMT

[Image]

How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 15:13:00 GMT

The Frisky and Divine Caroline posted a somewhat obnoxious story yesterday about the vagina. (It would've been much better without trying to be cutesy and likable.)

Never mind that-- although it did give us the idea to ask the ladies how they keep their hair down there... and if dudes on Scanner prefer it trimmed, hairy, or-- um-- waxed to the skin at all times. Ouch...

Here's a scenario for you to start with: We asked a ladyfriend if she wouldn't mind trimming a bit, mainly because of access and hair-in-mouth issues during oral sex. But considering we'd rather a woman had little hair there at all than a rain forest to rival the Amazon, we confess to having ulterior motives as well. It just looks hotter this way to us, sorry. (We're also strongly against hair on the legs and under the arms-- sorry again.) Are we totally out of line on this? On the asking and/or the secretly wanting almost no hair there at all?

Just so you know, we fully admit to this very airbrushed/Hollywood/male chauvinist mentality (or whatever you want to call it) about what we're turned on and off by when it comes to a woman's body hair. But try to find a woman that likes a hairy back and ass on a man...

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Megan Fox Is So Hot Right Now, GQ Can Just Recycle Her Photos Every Month

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 18:41:00 GMT

Megan Fox, who will not be playing Wonder Woman, despite previous reports, and was the only woman shortlisted for GQ's Man of the Year is still the #1 woman on the internet. (Well, except for Keeley Hazel. And Sarah Palin. And... and... never mind.)

But no one drives up traffic like Megan Fox-- or, more importantly-- Megan Fox in a bikini...

According to One India:

American actress Megan Fox has been listed as the hottest babe on the planet in Chickipedia's latest 100 hottest women list yet again. Chickipedia, which is the world's largest web-based, wiki-based database of hot women on the planet, released the Top 100 most-searched for women in the month of October, the Daily Telegraph reported.

This is the second year that Fox has topped the list, with the second place going to Hugh Hefner''s No 1 ex-girlfriend Holly Madison. The most-searched for female survey saw Keeley Hazell in third position, while new Aussie girls ‘The Veronicas’ were at number six. The new list also saw Madonna and Victoria Beckham being dropped and replaced by US Republican IT girl Sarah Palin and her alter ego, Tina Fey.

Good riddance to Madonna and Victoria-- but Holly Madison? Bland as New York is fucking freezing today.

In celebration of Fox's latest victory, GQ has unleashed more of the photos that made her a huge star and, for no reason whatsoever, we're passing them along to you:

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Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:30:00 GMT

I always pull together my Halloween costume at the last minute. No matter how much thought I put into it the entire month of October, the perfect costume never comes to me until I'm on my way out the door to celebrate with slutty cats and French maids.

Last year was no exception. I arrived home at 8 with the vague idea of dressing up as VMA Britney, but needed to leave by 8:30 and didn't have time to buy a wig and my silver bikini was no where to be found.

I thought about what I could utilize (my red hair) and took an inventory of the clothes I hadn't yet packed for my move (very few). What I came up with was a pretty - dam - good - if - I - do - say - so - myself Pippi Longstocking.

(Okay, so by this point I was more of a sloshed Pipi. Anyway...)

I can't take credit for this industrious Halloweening of mine. I owe it to my father. My parents divorced when I was three, and my mother never celebrated Halloween because her crazy religion didn't allow it. Dad arrived one year realizing we didn't have costumes and not wanting to endure the picked through pink plastic princesses and black wigs of K-Mart. He did, however, have a few sheets in his car—a pale blue sheet and a Budweiser sheet (maybe he'd just done laundry or he knew we weren't going to be dressed up?). A few holes and a piece or two of string later, my sister Jo and I were instantly transformed into ghosts. I don't remember which one of us actually ended up as the Budweiser ghost; I know neither of us wanted to be, and we fought about it. I also know my dad felt bad, but what I wouldn't give to be the Budweiser ghost now...

With no Budweiser sheets to be found this year, I must resort to pulling together another Halloween costume. I don't know why I do this to myself: think about what I'll dress up as so early in the month when I know I'll end up changing my mind or pulling together the perfect costume the hour before I head out. Maybe I do it because it's just really fun to think about what I can be for one night.

I probably put too much thought into it. Most women want to look sexy or slutty—and why not? It's fun, and it's not often I get to wear fishnet stockings and red lipstick these days. For me, though, it's more about having a good costume, and if I happen to look sexy while I wear it, that's more than okay.

On the un-sexy side, the idea of getting a bunch of women together and dressing up as polygamist wives has certainly crossed my mind, but I'll be in my hometown of Indepdence, MO for Halloween this year, and for those of you who don't know, Indepdendence has the second largest Mormon population in the country (next to Salt Lake City).

I could certainly dress up as Sarah Palin, but my American flag bikini has gone the way of my silver bikini (it never actually existed in my life) plus, I don't want to get beat up by a Republican.

Perhaps it's time for Vote Girl (my 2004 alter ego and Halloween Costume) to make a re-appearance.

She was pretty kick-ass. I was at Kent State in Ohio doing GOTV and I got busted by campus security. "We've had reports of a scantily-clad crazy lady in the commons..."

Are you already thinking about your Halloween costumes? If so, what are you thinking?

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Commercial Features Nothing But Bikini Girls On Pogo Sticks

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:12:00 GMT

This commercial has been airing across the pond in the UK for some time now, although no one's really sure what it is...

...until the end, we're guessing...

We're not sure if the tagline "This is a film about insurance" is on the original ad or not, but it makes it so much more ridiculous. This is a film? Hell, this isn't even an ad... unless Trident Insurance is really a redirect to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar mail order department...

Via Ad Gabber.

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Sarah Palin Thinks Global Warming Is Polar Bear Sh*t

Hot or Not: The Lily Cole Playboy Cover?

Junior High Teacher Charged With... Oh My...

Why Women Are Always Taking Their Clothes off Near Sports Cars

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 19:03:00 GMT

It seems that the sound of a sports car's engine "arouses" 100% of women tested in a study gauging women's responses to the engines of a Maserati, a Lamborghini and a Ferrari, along with a Volkswagon Polo.

But before you head out and buy yourself a two-ton lady catcher, maybe we should all look a little deeper at the origins of this "study."

According to this article in the Telegraph:

Psychologist David Moxon, who conducted the study commissioned by motor insurer Hiscox, said: "We saw significant peaks, particularly in women.

"The roar of a luxury car engine does cause a primeval physiological response."

He added the sound of an average car engine actually led to a decreased level of testosterone.

So the study was commissioned by high end motor insurer Hiscox. Hmmm. What could high-end motor insurer Hiscox stands to gain from telling you that a Maserati will really start a lady's engine? People wanting to get laaaaaid and buying more sports cars because they think it'll get them laaaaaid wouldn't have any affect on Hiscox's business, would it?

Ah, just another adorable way sham science manipulates people into spending money out of feelings of inadequacy. Happy Wednesday.

Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:08:00 GMT

Under the guise of posting about eighteen-year-old Olympian powerhouse Natasia Liukin (above), The Improper and Egotastic are both asking for it when they leak these Miley Cyrus-esque poses of jailbait gold medalist Shawn Johnson wearing a bikini and prancing about...

Well, they're basically asking for a lot of pervs to find their pages via Google image search, while the rest of us just say, Hey, there's nothing wrong with celebrating the female form in its finest, most triumphant glory, but we'll wait another couple of years and, in the meantime, stick to drooling over Victoria Pendleton...

Meanwhile, Johnson, who won a gold a set of silvers, is apparently such a huge celebrity now, the pilot on her recent flight from Chicago to New York had to be taken to the hospital after bumping his head from excitement when he heard she was on a plane. Thousands in her home state of Iowa turned out to see a glimpse of her, as if she were all four Beatles rolled into one.

We're sure to be seeing more of these types of candids leaking out... which will only add to her fame, of course.

Related:

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Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Sloppy Seconds: More Naughty Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked

Scantily-Clad Baristas Attack Local Pervert... Ah, Gotta Love Washington State...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:20:00 GMT

A man dressed in women's underwear (including on his head and over his license plate) visited a Parkland, Washington coffee shop drive thru three times. It wasn't because of the coffee...

An unidentified perv returned each time to make sure the girls, all of whom were in bikinis as part of the shop's dress code, got a good look at his wang. One of them, however, had seen "very little" but already enough...

Here's the raw video:

He's seen arriving for the first time, grossing out a barista, and roaring off. The victim looks to her friend for help, but soon their expose-r is back for more. (Ladies, it's called "9-1-1.") On the second go around, they try to catch his license plate, but it's also covered in women's underwear. (Even his face is covered-- with one eye partly expose to get their reactions and, um, drive.)

Finally, the victim, who is referred to as "Kylie" in another video, was ready. When the joy rider pulled up for Round Three, Kylie tossed a cup of boiling hot water in his face, allegedly getting the man on his face and arms or legs, depending on who's telling the story in other reports. Guess what his reaction is, just before speeding off for the final time?

“Kylie opened the door and threw boiling hot water on his face and his chest and he said 'oooh yeah...'"

Once again: nine-one-one, everybody. Taking matters into your own hands maybe playing into theirs...

Video clip via LiveLeak. Top image and quote from KIROTV.

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Boobs On Bikes Rides Again, Despite Violent Anti-Violence Protests

Billionaire Pervert Turns Himself In To Face Jail, Butt Sex

George W. Bush: President of the Olympic Women

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 18:08:00 GMT

Bush visited some of the Olympic athletes yesterday. Appears he had a pretty good time--GRABBING ASS!

Don't believe us? Evidence below.

Is this guy even President anymore? It's like someone gave your drunk uncle a really swanky private plane and a visor.

While You Were Sleeping: Who Looks Best In A Bikini?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 12:44:00 GMT

Whoever claims full responsibility for the fire at Westboro Baptist Church wants to assure you that they did their best.

Man, what the hell is with Verne Troyer and his ex? Either they're the two biggest liars ever, or they tried to reenact Sopranos episodes on each other every night while still together.

Are these the biggest nipples in Hollywood? Yeah, we didn't think so either, nor do we particularly care.

An alleged murderer on the run since Christmas was arrested playing Guitar Hero at Wal-Mart.

More rumors of a Tom Brady-Gisele Bundchen engagement.

Michael Moore and other Michigan cats serenaded Madonna ahead of the Material WhateverItIsNow's 50th birthday.

Is it any surprise that Ursula Andress tops a poll of British survey respondents? Especially for the Best On-Screen Bikini Performance, or however it was phrased? (2nd: Carrie Fisher in Return of the Jedi, 3rd Halle Berry in the Dr. No homage she was in.)

And some sad news: Christina Applegate is suffering from breast cancer. Thankfully, the disease is believed to be in the early stages and Applegate is expected to make it out okay.

320 Bikini Girls Attempt To Break Pointless World Record

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 15:53:00 GMT

320 women showed up on a single British beach in attempt to a break Guinness World Record for the Most Bikini-Clad Women Photographed At The Same Time (or something similar.) Although they failed in their attempt, they did do one thing right...

The fundraising event, organised by the Middlesbrough Erimus Rotary Club, failed to beat the current Guinness World Record, set in September last year on Bondi Beach, in Sydney, Australia, when 1,010 women posed together in their bikinis.

However, it is still expected that the record attempt will have raised thousands of pounds for the Great North Air Ambulance Service, through £5 entry fees and sponsorship.

And, although a far cry from the sunny climes of Sydney, the sun did put in an appearance in Redcar today as thousands of people lined the beach to watch the women, aged from 16 to 81, taking part in the challenge.

"We had one lady of 81, we had one lady who came from Surrey purely to do this, lots of ladies from all over the north east, all shapes and sizes. Exactly what we wanted."

That's what we like: all kinds. Here's another shot from the beach:

Via the London Paper.

Boys and Bikinis: An In-Depth Study

Kelly Deerson — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 19:51:00 GMT

Did you know that bikini babes make men spend too much money, eat too much food, and just generally lose their shit? Well, researchers do, and listen to how they went about finding this out.

First, they made a bunch of guys fondle t-shirts and bras. Creepy, right? After feeling up the bras (there wasn't even a woman inside), the dudes admitted to "valuing the future less and the present more." Holy crap, people! That's some telling stuff right there. Basically, caution was thrown to the wind, and consequences of actions did not weigh as heavily on their minds as before. The researchers repeated the experiment and received the same results when men looked at pictures and videos of women in bikinis.

Instead of being distracted by their sexual arousal, as you might suspect, the guys actually exhibited improved cognition and creativity after looking at all these sexy things. What science learned from all this hanky panky is that there could be one common "appetite" system in the brain. When it's stimulated by something like a pretty lady, it's basically like flipping a switch, and we want everything that we find pleasing, whether it be platters of hot wings, new video games, or that third shot of Chivas, no matter the repercussions.

Via LiveScience

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Bikini Jello Wrestling Contest Ends In Violence, Chaos, Stickiness

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:32:00 GMT

A jello wrestling competition, performed strictly by girls in bikinis, held as part of an end-of-the-term drinking marathon known as Suicide Sunday, descended into chaos and bloody violence after one girl turned into a big-time sore loser...

According to the Daily Mail, a student of Cambridge University in England, lost her shot at 250 pounds in prize money, thanks to spectators who voted her the defeated party in one match. Nadia Witowski subsequently stood up and punched a spectator in the nose, presumably having heard something insulting about herself. She then grabbed a bottle of Lambrini and staggered toward civilization, where two bouncers folded their arms and blocked her path.

Undeterred, Ms Witkowski lashed out again, punching one bouncer and attempting to headbutt the other.
Police were called to the party at Trinity Old Fields, Cambridge, at 1.30pm on Sunday and Ms Witkowski was arrested. She was later cautioned by officers for common assault.

The above-mentioned spectator, who was presumably adorable in her butterfly wings, fled the festivities with a bloody nose.

The 'Blazers and Bikinis' bash was the 79th Suicide Sunday party organised by the Wyverns - an infamous all-male Magdalene College drinking society.

Is there any doubt going to school in the United Kingdom is way more fun than in the US?

Is that Pete Doherty in the black tie?

More on this story (and photos) at The Daily Mail.

Previously: Princess Eugenie's Endearing Nude Rampage