Scanner : beer

Omaha Bar Hosts Jello Wrestling Contest For Charity...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 21:22:00 GMT

...guess how that turned out?

Think about it: you're all bar owners in Omaha, Nebraska. (Really, what else is there to do except hang out at the Saddle Creek offices and try to pick up hipsters? You gotta have a bar.) You want to get more people to stop in at your bar, so you organize an event under the auspicies of donating the cover charge to charity, all while racking up huge profits on drink sales. But to really get people to show up, you get a bunch of local drunks to wear bikinis and tear it up in a vat of Jello.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, for one thing, it's entirely illegal to have boobs and ass anywhere near beer and booze in the state of Nebraska. And you know damn well what bikini Jello wrestling leads to, particularly when the contestants are all likkered up before the opening gong:

Owners of a west Omaha bar have been fined over a fundraiser that got out of control. The 120 Blondes Lounge at 120th and Blondo streets was disciplined by the state Liquor Control Commission over a gelatin wrestling incident that ended with full nudity.

The event featured women who wrestled in a pool of flavored gelatin. The contestants in the competition were wearing bikinis, at least at first.

Photos taken at the event show one woman falling out of the pool and another one who's clearly topless. "As the crowd got more interested, apparently the clothing was removed and they were mostly in the nude," said Hobert Rupe of the Nebraska Liquor Control Commission.

Hobert has a career waiting for him in public relations after he gets bored of denying strip clubs their God-given Night Train beer-- ha ha, "apparently clothing was removed." Hobert, dude, that's what we here in the US of A call "they ripped their clothes off, thinking Joe Francis was taping." But no matter who removed the clothing, the bar is still liable-- even though, in this case, witnesses attested to the fact that the owners ejected the "strippers" immediately.

At least 120 Blondes didn't lose their license.

Via KETV.

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Bikini Jello Wrestling Contest Ends In Violence, Chaos, Stickiness

Drunkenness No Longer an Excuse for Being a Creepy Old Man

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 20:33:00 GMT

According to a new study, alcohol does not impair a man's ability to tell whether a girl is legal or not. The study, published by the University of Leicester in the British Journal of Psychology, found that alcohol had very little impact on men's perception of the ages of women in pictures.

A total of 240 members of the public in bars and cafés were asked to look at composite photographs of ten young women aged 17 and asked to rate their attractiveness.

Some of the photos were digitally altered to give the faces a younger or older appearance and make-up was applied in some cases. Half of the participants questioned had consumed at least some alcohol before the task and their blood-alcohol level was measured by a breathalyser test.

The study found that participants consistently overestimated the age of the girls in the images by an average of 3.5 years. But although men and women rated younger-looking faces as more attractive on average, “contrary to expectations, alcohol and make-up did not inflate attractiveness ratings”, the researchers write.

The lead researcher, Vincent Egan, said: “This study suggests that alcohol consumption and make-up use do not interfere with how old we perceive someone to be.

“Another interesting finding was that, overall, participants who drank alcohol actually rated all the women in the photos as less attractive, compared with the participants who had not drunk alcohol.

“This seemingly flies in the face of the commonly held notion of ‘beer goggles’.”

So stop blaming your perverted (or preverted, as Scanner Colleen would say) ways on the beer, old men, and just admit you like little girls, okay?

[Telegraph: Men may not be able to blame alcohol for underage sex]

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This Week in Gayness: Boycott Jamaica

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 19:42:00 GMT

Gawker broke down the Amazon gay scandal.

Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons, who, as we reported earlier this week, is locked in a bitter divorce battle with the state's First Lady, doesn't "believe in" domestic partnership benefits.

A ruling on the legality of Prop 8 could come as early as Monday.

David Paterson introduced the gay marriage bill today in New York.

Has anyone besides us been cracking the hell up about all this "teabagging" business-- and not just because the Republicans are so unintentionally hilarious?

Gay marriage in Iowa has everyone riled up, especially the crazies.

Stop drinking Myers Rum and Red Stripe beer, say the owners of the Stonewall Inn.

An 11-year-old boy killed himself after enduring homophobic taunting in school.

Oh my God! There's a fucking gay elephant! Let's freak the fuck out about it for no reason!

Who Knew There Were So Many California Doctors Against Gay Marriage? [VIDEO]

This Week in Gayness: Matt Drudge Does Not Love Gay Sex With Men

This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Gay Bishop is About to Get All "Gay Bishop" on Your Ass

Crying "Beaver!"

Colleen Kane — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 21:01:00 GMT

This weekend, your pal Scanner Colleen did some spring cleaning in preparation for a yard sale next weekend. I boxed up dozens of books for the sale. A book about interjections called Zounds! almost got tossed into the yard sale mix, until I flipped through and my attention was grabbed by an exclamation I'd never heard of before:

"Beaver!"

Scanner Emily especially will be interested to hear what occasion caused the shouting of this word by little children in the early twentieth century...

In the early part of the twentieth century it was popular for children to cry, "Beaver!" when they spotted a man sporting a beard. There was even a game by this name in which youthful players scored points every time they came upon a wooly-faced member of the male species...It is interesting to note that the rise in popularity of this game coincided with a radical decline in the prefrence for facial hair among American men. Whereas beards had been de rigeur through the late 1800s, by the twentieth century moustaches and cleanly shaven faces had become the order of the day--leaving those old-bearded Victorian fossils definitely the odd men out.
Why beaver! and not the more obvious beard? It could be the beard's similarity to the high, sheared-fur hat that was popular in the U.S. at that time. Actually, using the world beaver for beard goes way back to the Middle Ages. There was a soldier's helmet in use in those days wiht a chin-hugging face guard, referred to as the beaver. Shakespeare even references it in Hamlet. The Prince of Denmark asks of Horatio (regarding his father's ghost), "Then saw you not his face?" And Horatio answers, "O, yes, my lord, he wore his beaver up."

Immediately following the entry for "beaver!" is an entry for the exclamation "beer-o!" which sounds equally useful in modern life.

This exclamation was popular in the mid-to-late nineteenth century amon blue-collar laborers with a penchant for razzing their coworkers. Crowed in chorus when one of these pre-hardhats made a mistake...the beer-o! required the klutz for the day to buy his mates a firendly round of beer to make amends...

Yes, that one will be very useful indeed. I think this book deserves closer examination.

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TSA Shows Some T&A

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 21:08:00 GMT

Hasn't the Transportation Security Administration embarrassed us enough by smelling our stinky shoes, emptying all the expired condoms out of our pockets, and pretending to throw away our open containers of beer (which, no doubt, they keep in a separate "recycling bin")?

Apparently not. You're gonna love how much tits, ass, peen, and whatnot the baggage screeners are going to get a glimpse of if these new X-ray machines are put to use...

The first two images are of a female (note the glorious X-ray boobies), while the right two images are of a male (note that weiner.) Here's a detail:

Believe it or not, this doesn't violate our no-genitals policy because, well, we got these from a legitimate news source, via Twitter, the world's finest news source.

By the way, if you want to avoid having one of these TSA searches, don't fly out of the airport in Salt Lake City, Utah, the only place these New World Order strip searches have gone into effect.

Hair Has Hair Down Thare

Penis, Penis, Peanuts

The Best Job in the World? Carnival Body Painters

Video of the Day: An Oldie But a Goodie

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 21:35:00 GMT

A tipster sent us this Guinness commercial with the subject line "Best. Ad. Ever." and while it's maybe a little sexist, and at least six months old, we sort-of have to agree.

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Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:37:00 GMT

Is this beer offensive, stupid, or stupid and offensive? Or so harmless and "charming" it's worth drinkin'?

Not safe for work photo below... if you can spot it.

This so-called "low carb" Australian beer has just been released to a salivating media market. The three dudes involved in its creation claim their "healthy" brew will take the country's drinking scene by storm...

...thanks to their nudity gimmick, of course. As the drinker consumes their beer, the "Skinny Blonde's" bikini gradually disappears, revealing her boobers. Interestingly, their website almost never mentions the concept:

100% Preservative Free
Skinny Blonde contains no preservatives, chemical additives or animal products whatsoever so its OK for vegans.
100% Australian
Unlike most beers brewed in Australia Skinny Blonde is 100% Australian owned and operated.
100% Beer
Skinny Blonde is 5.2% alc/vol, low-carb and as tasty as its name sake.

But the Times does.

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Famous Last Words

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 17:20:00 GMT

Why is it that celebrities are able to muster more creative energy than they've had in years to consistently utter their unforgettable last words?

Take, for example, the curious case of Dylan Thomas, poet, raconteur, and mainly raconteur who drank himself to death via shots of whiskey at New York City's White Horse Tavern before staggering back to the Chelsea Hotel, more than a dozen blocks later, and collapsing in its now-famous lobby. His immortal last words?

"Eighteen whiskeys... that must be some sort of a record."

Of course, the reason that all these famous last words are so, well, famous is that they are exaggerated and that the circumstances surrounding them are mostly unsubstantiated myths.

Here's what really happened to Dylan Thomas... according to Wikipedia, of course:

Thomas.. said that we was feeling awful and asked to take a "rain-check". He did however accompany Liz to the White Horse for a few beers. Feeling sick he again returned to the hotel.

[Dr.] Feltenstein came to see him three times that day, on the third call prescribing morphine. This seriously affected Dylan's breathing. At midnight on November 4/5, his breathing became more difficult and his face turned blue.

By 1:58 am Thomas had been admitted to the emergency ward at nearby St Vincent’s, by which time he was profoundly comatose. The doctors on duty found bronchitis in all parts of his bronchial tree, both left and right sides. An X-ray showed pneumonia... and Thomas died on November 9.

Here's where the myths started:

During an incident on 3 November 1953, Thomas returned to the Chelsea Hotel in New York, from the White Horse Tavern and exclaimed, "I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that is a record." However, the barman and the owner of the pub who served Thomas at the time, later told Ruthven Todd, that Thomas couldn't have imbibed more than half that amount, after Todd decided to find out.

Despite shattering that myth, here's a set of famous last words that have stood the test of time. If we're half this witty when the time comes, we must've done something right in life:

Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
-Beethoven, died in 1827

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
-Bogart, 1957

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
-Pancho Villa, 1923
I know you have come to kill me. Shoot, coward. You are only going to kill a man.
-Ernesto "Che" Guevara, 1967
How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
-P.T. Barnum, 1891
Codeine . . . bourbon.
-Tallulah Bankhead, 1968
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
-Oscar Wilde, 1900

But our favorite famous last words are those of former US President John Adams, who died on July 4, 1826. His bitter rivalry with Thomas Jefferson (the POTUS #3 to his POTUS #2) continued to his dying day, upon which Adams muttered, "And Thomas Jefferson still survives." As it turns out, Jefferson had actually died earlier that day, but Adams did not learn this before passing on.

Jefferson's last words? "Is it the Fourth?"

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Our Favorite Stripper Wants You To Be Patriotic, Drink PBR

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Our resident stripper, Jocelyn Testes-Harder has been MIA for several months. She hasn't been at Charlie's, the downtown Richmond, Virginia club where the sometime office manager moonlights under the name, well, Jocelyn. We haven't seen her around the county dump either, although they just got in some new kids toys leftover from a fire sale.

Her neighbors haven't seen her around-- and we even checked with that guy with the night vision camera and binoculars. So, we'll have to make do with her last transmission to us, which was about her lazy, no-good, long-suffering fiancee and the joys of American patriotism mixed with cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer...

Q. Jocelyn, Joceyln... can you hear me?

A. Yeah... I don't know what it is about the sight of a man doing nothing that just makes my blood boil!

Q. I hear ya.

A. I know Phil works hard, and I respect that. But that don't mean he's gotta sit on ass and watch football every Sunday when I've got other things in mind that he could be doing. Of course I realize that Phil needs to relax sometimes. That's what sleep is for!

Q. Don't you think you're being harsh? I mean, you guys aren't even married yet and already you're bustin' balls?

A. I guess he doesn't get the fact that our life together started the minute he proposed. He seems to think that just because we're not living together yet he can still spend hours at his own house, doing his own thing. He already knows that as soon as he buys our new house I'm going to rent out my townhouse, but he hasn't even bothered to post it on Craigslist for me! I can't wait until we're living in a nice planned development, and I've got Phil under my thumb where he belongs. All doubt will be removed because I'll be able to plan his day for him, and adjust the schedule thoughout the day. He won't have to worry about pissing me off any more, because I'll make sure that he's always doing the right thing. Then we'll both be happy!

Q. Okay, we can see how your life is going to change as a married woman again. But how will your life change under our new President?

A. It's time to roll up our sleeves, slip on our stretchy "USA" sweat wristbands, and get back to work on this little project we call America. It's time to clean all that dog snot off our cars' rear passenger windows. Define telemarketing as a form of terrorism. And lock the kids out of the house for the entire summer. If those brats get thirsty they can drink from the hose!)

Q. Okay, no need to shout. I can hear you just fine. Do you have any advice for drastic steps Obama can take to make a change in your life?

A. Take bold steps... like turn our backs on creamed corn... rename "French fries" as "Early stroke fries". Legalize THC to maximize our paranoia level. Wear a thong to church to be closer to God. And deliberately mess with Texas, after having been repeatedly warned.

Q. Have you been following the Prop 8 debacle in C--

A. It's time to develop a genre of gay rap music. Help the homeless, or admit that we can't, and execute them. Win the race to develop the world's first scabies-proof mattress.

Q. Is Bill O'Reilly and Fox News the greatest threat to our general sanity?

A. We need to capture Bill O'Reilly alive, and seal him inside of an unventilated see-through coffin. Then we're gonna have a Pabst. And it's gonna be good....

[transmission cut]

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While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble..

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

On this radio show discussing Obama having a beer at an NBA game, does it mean anything that some of these callers are against it?

Oh no... what we've always feared... High School Musical 4.

The last thing you want to do when you're running for public office is get yourself accused of sex crimes.

The cop who saved a bunch of lives in a Utah school shooting has pleaded no contest for having sex with a teenage girl while responding to a 9-1-1 call at her house.

Cook County Commissioner Mike Quigley will likely be the next Congressman from Illinois. Yep, another member of the Illinois government is heading to Washington...

Britney Spears launched her tour last night.

A woman called 9-1-1 three times in a row because her McDonald's didn't have any McNuggets.

Speaking of 9-1-1-- if you have a LG 830 Spyder, you seriously need to drop everything and read this.

Rupert Murdoch had his revenge on his biographer, who may be involved in a sex scandal.

And does it mean anything for the country at large if Apple laid off fifty workers yesterday?

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Sloppy Seconds: What Amy Adams Does in Private

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:43:00 GMT

Do you believe that NBC paid crazy baby lady ~~Angelina Jolie~~ Nadya Suleman nothing for her sit down with Ann Curry? [Jossip]

Our favorite headline of the day: 'Nude biker leads trooper on chase in bad weather.' [AP]

Boo: a brewery in Brooklyn has been ordered to stop making its Obama ale. That's too bad. We've had it and it's good. [The Brooklyn Paper]

After seemingly racist photos of her surfaced, Miley Cyrus is being sued for $4 million "on behalf of all "Asian Pacific Islanders living in Los Angeles County." Good luck with that Lucie Kim. [FadedYouth]

Ah! Will U2 just go away for, like, a little while? They're playing for an entire week on David Letterman to promote their upcoming album. [Yahoo!]

Apparently Amy Adams, girl of Scanner Brain's dreams, is actually a bad girl, telling BlackBook magazine, "I misbehave. I just do it in private." We imagine this only means he loves her more now. [People]

Spirit Airlines Releases Sex Commercial, Pisses Everyone Off

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 16:12:00 GMT

The economy is in such dire straits, it seems, companies aren't perturbed in the least to hear that their employees are furious about the new marketing plan...

According to the Huffington Post, pilots and flight crew alike are furious at Spirit Airlines for forcing employees to wear aprons with Bug Light's logo on them. Oh, and there's this ad, which has garnerned a whopping 1.5 stars on YouTube since its release and is Spirit's new lead commercial:

As one union spokesperson put it:

"I feel as though I have entered a time warp and am reliving the battles for respect and justice for women that we fought for 40 years ago," Friend said.
Some of Spirit's ads invite customers to enjoy its DD's (deep discounts) and "MILF" (many islands, low fare) specials _ double entendres that also refer to large breasts and a crude acronym popularized in the 1999 movie "American Pie" that describes an attractive mother. [HuffPo]

This may be even sadder than American Apparel using full frontal nudity to sell its... clothing. Correction: this is definitely sadder, because at least those were porn stars.

Freaky FAA Tapes Reveal Obama's Plane Nearly Crashed On July 7th

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One Couple, 90 Breweries, One Year, Many Beers

Colleen Kane — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:52:00 GMT

~~The couple that boozes together, cruises together.~~

~~The couple that glugs together, also chugs together.~~

Never mind. A husband-and-wife team of beer fanatics just completed their Year in Beer, which took them to 90 breweries in 15 countries, a milestone in beer travel. Yes, beer travel is a thing.

Chris Nelson and Meredith Canham-Nelson hit festivals and breweries from Alaska to Belgium, Oregon to England in 2008. Read all about what they discovered on their beer travels at TheBeerGeek.com.

(This sounds quite similar to my own travels with my fiance, only this couple is much more organized and methodical.)

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Beer Pong Video Game Falls By Way Of Lenny Bruce, Poop Paintings, Janet Jackson's Nipples

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The new Iron Man 2 rumors say that there may not be enough money to include Samuel L. Jackson. Then again, they are somehow able to afford Emily Blunt for a role.

We're a sucker for crazy bets like this: a Republican senator lost a gentlemanly bet on a college football game to a Democratic senator. His repentance? He had to serenade Florida politician Bill Nelson, a former astronaut, with Elton John's "Rocket Man."

The Ex-BART officer who shot and killed an unarmed man on recorded video was found...

The former transit police officer accused of shooting an unarmed man at a California train station went to Nevada with his family "to clear his mind" after receiving death threats, his lawyer said Wednesday.
The lawyer's comments came after Johannes Mehserle was arrested on a fugitive warrant in Nevada.
Leads led investigators to Johannes Mehserle, 27, in Zephyr Cove, Nevada, on Tuesday, authorities said. He was contacted through his attorney and then surrendered. [CNN]

The blogs are predicting Amy Poehler's new Office "spinoff" is actually a knockoff.

If you're going to start a brawl, you might not want to do so in a brothel, especially when you're off-duty police officers.

We care what these people think of the John Mayer TV show? We could care less about his pop records and personal life, but the VH-1 show was inspired-- we always thought he would be a great late night host.

Going to the inauguration? 20+ jumbotrons. 5,000 port-a-potties. 10,000 National Guard troops. And clearly not enough beer vendors.

And Washington state will allow teachers to have sex with their students, as long as the students are legal.

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14-Year-Old Girl Sold Into Marital And Sexual Slavery For $16 Grand

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 15:50:00 GMT

If you had to name the Hick Capitol of the United States, where would you pinpoint its location? Alabama? Texas? Tennessee?

Wrong. After reading this story on Greenfield, California, you'll agree that this town probably leads in local yokels...

According to the AP/Yahoo:

Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat.
Police... learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made... [he was arrested] on suspicion of human trafficking.

Officers also arrested an 18-year-old man on suspicion of statutory rape. Investigators believe the girl went willingly with the man, but she's under California's legal age of consent and can't legally marry.

Police say arranged marriages involving underage girls have become a problem in this small Central Coast farming community.

Only a several cases of meat? It better have been some steaks from Peter Luger or this is a ripoff.

Seriously, though... Jesus! It would be one thing if this were the first time-- but it's "become a problem" in the community that underage girls are being sent off to be raped by their families? We thought they killed people for raping kids in redneck country... guess we have a new stereotype.

Via the Associated Press.

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TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:55:00 GMT

After multiple anxiety attacks, two attempts at selling my shit on the street (hey, I made $273!) and lots of heavy drinking that led to a few teary goodbyes, the time has come for me to make the move to Kansas City. So I'll be offline for the next few business days.

I still have to pack up my massive vintage Pyrex collection and get the swing out of the closet before my dad flies up on Friday. After what I predict will be an ill-fated trip to IKEA we're going to pack up the truck and ride off into the sunset, er snowstorm, early Saturday. Considering Dave gets grumpy easily and has a soft spot for (and not-so-soft belly because of ) road-side food and Rolling Rock, we'll probably make it a three-day trip—keeping me offline until Tuesday.

I've enlisted Scanner Nicole to blog a little while I'm away, and as always, you will be blessed with the blog stylings of Brian, Colleen, Matt and Verena. Be nice to them. Or I will cut you.

I'll be back Tuesday, beginning my official tenure as The Scanner Blogger from Kasnas City. I'll try not to get knocked-up or addicted to meth by then.

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Caption This: George Clooney Thinks Maybe Just One More...

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 16:20:00 GMT

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There's A New Testicle Eating Champion...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:12:00 GMT

Here's a contest we'd refrain from competing in or even watching.

In Hunterville, New Zealand, the new world's capitol of enjoyable public indecency, there's a competition in which men pick up a bull's testicles using only their mouths and running for 50 meters with them. The testicles, of course...

Sadly, their own prize for these feats of masculinity are a cold beer to wash down the horrific taste. And, as Metro UK notes, "if the beer was from Hunterville it was probably rubbish." Among the other highlights:

[It's] the annual Shepherd's Shemozzle in the small town of Hunterville, where men are men and men eat bulls' testicles.
As part of the competition, punters had to bite into the balls and carry them in their mouths for 50m.
Once that feat was accomplished they had to scoff some dry weetabix and down a raw egg. In a rare respite they then got to wash the lot down with a can of beer.

[Winner Josh Masters said] "Best of all, they weren't connected to anything." [Metro]

Yes, Josh, we would think it quite strange were you to run with your mouth wrapped a bull's nuts-- a live bull's nuts, that is.

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Tips From A Stripper

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 20:11:00 GMT

"Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine."

We love hearing from strippers out there, so if you have advice for those of who enjoying hitting the clubs, let us know! We're kidding-- we can't afford to go to strip clubs, even ones with the free admission and $10 Milwaukee's Best...

Nonetheless, check out this great bit of advice from a stripper...

Before I met my ex-husband, and before my first kid was born, I used to do a bit of stripping at one of Richmond's fine Southside gentlemen's clubs. So I think I'm more than qualified to teach you no account fools some of the finer points of properly conducting yourselves in a strip club environment.

The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.

Ass clapping! That's our phrase of the day, people.

During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit...

Wait a minute... is she for real?

Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off!

All right, we're pretty sure she's kidding now, but this is entertaining material...

Via Jocelyn's Corner.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 22:25:00 GMT

Patrick Dempsey didn't dig the doc firing on Grey's Anatomy. Perhaps he knows something we don't about ABC's true motives?

This guy will either be dead or a legend by 27.

Eddie Izzard made the really dumb decision, as he is not a US citizen, to donate to Obama. He made an even dumber one when he admitted to doing so on CNN.

Michael Crichton died of cancer, a battle which was kept entirely private.

Who gave 50 Cent a reality show? Jesus Christ. Well, at least it's a positive show for a change.

And Amy Winehouse's husband ("Blakey," we think his name is) was released from jail after a year of hell... or, if you're married to Amy Winehouse, womb-like bliss.

10-Year-Old Boy Is the Lone Protester of Nude Sunbathing

Obama and McCain Supporters Bring Out the Worst In All of Us

While You Were Sleeping: Amy Winehouse's Scientology Cure

While You Were Sleeping: Minnie Driver Pops Out A Future Celebrity

Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:57:00 GMT

Your daily dummmy: guy who tried to pay for a lap dance with a bag of coke. The stripper was more insulted, it seems, by the fact that stuff was only worth $20:

Tualatin police arrested a man who allegedly paid for a lap dance with $20 and a baggy of cocaine.
Police spokeswoman Jennifer Massey said officers responding to a call from a bouncer found Jose Angel Bruno Melgar outside Jiggles Tavern and he acknowledged giving cocaine to the dancer.

The 19-year-old from Cornelius has been charged with cocaine possession and lodged in the Washington County jail. Massey said Monday the cocaine has a street value of $20.

This woman is a true hero. She went to a house auction to help her son purchase a home and ended up sitting next to another woman, who was crying hysterically. Turns out the crying woman's home, now foreclosed, was up for sale. The stranger bought the woman's home for 30 big ones and handed it back to her.

Did Richard Dreyfuss just say he hated working with "fascist" Oliver Stone? Actually, that's what everyone who works with Stone says about him.

A man is in jail after for hitting a cop with a beer bottle and leading the police on a high speed chase, which ultimately led to his own tasing and arrest. The best part? Laughing it off, he told the cops he didn't give a shit, since his crime was "a misdemeanor." It need not be said he is charged with several felonies.

Shut up, Dina Lohan.

You knew it was bound to happen sooner or later: a robocall done by what sounds like a sex line worker.

And one Fark headline claims "Evangelicals have sex earlier-- and more of it-- than any other religious group." Read the full story in this week's New Yorker.

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This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

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Paris Night Club Says You Can Never Start 'Em Too Young

Ina Maier — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 19:15:00 GMT

A new nightclub has just opened in Paris and if you think you're getting in, think again. They've got a very strict entrance policy...

The New York Times' describes a recent Saturday scene:

There was a crowd seven deep on Saturday outside one of the hottest clubs in Paris. Young people were pleading to get in, but the woman with the clipboard behind the velvet rope would not budge. There was some crying.

“Too old,” the clipboard woman said in French to a photographer, who was snapping pictures every time the door opened to reveal a peek of a padded red room with glittering lights and the promise of V.I.P.’s inside. One apparently overstimulated patron was passed out on steps outside.

At BabyDisco, they don't mess around. All patrons must be between the ages of 3 and 7. (Seriously. They're checking ID's.) Anywhoo, before your imagination runs away with images of boozing babies and inebriated infants, we should clarify. It's some sort of whack-a-doodle, yuppie art installation in Paris' Palais de Tokyo museum. The inspiration? To "introduce children to the creative aspects of dance, music and video."

Oh, and it's sponsored by Little Marc Jacobs. But, of course!

via The New York Times

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San Francisco Street Fair Would Make The Marquis de Sade Proud

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:21:00 GMT

If it pisses off a wingnut Puritan cryptofascist like Michelle Malkin, we knew it would be a helluva party...

The 2008 Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco, the wildest party in America that doesn't take place during Mardi Gras, did not disappoint-- and it never does. From guys blowing each other in front of cops to naked women whipping elderly women in front of unconcerned passerby (they've seen it all in SF!), it's no wonder the anti-free speech right wing is up in arms about the goings on. (They particularly think these disgusting acts should be done in private, but they never said anything over the years about what goes on at Mardi Gras... probably because they'd lost their voices from yelling for straight women to "take it off!")

Since Michelle is likely going to read this (trust us on this one), we'd just like to personally thank her for alerting us to the cocksucking, ass-grabbing, hedonistic good time we almost entirely missed out on. Thanks directly to your story, we're pretty sure a few of our readers who hadn't heard about the fest will book plane tickets for next year...

From 2007, a local porn star represented the big-boob contingent...

More photos here. If you want to see random cock and balls, go here.

Anyway, despite Malkin's dislike of the event and certainly a few locals try to stop it every year, this utterly pointless celebration will go on next year, we're sure, as planned. The police did nothing to stop it this time, calling it nothing more than "a free outdoor 'fetish' event... at which hundreds of thousands of mostly gay men stroll around the city streets in leather or rubber fetish outfits."

And what's wrong with that?

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Hm. We Thought Oktoberfest Was in October.

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 16:52:00 GMT

Uh, happy September? As always, your captions are welcome.

[Image]

[Oktoberfest]

While You Were Sleeping: Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:09:00 GMT

Jude Law's new girlfriend is posing nude for the upcoming edition of Playboy in France.

If this guy keeps winning elections, maybe there isn't any reason to vote.

A conservative Canadian mayor is finding out that just because those nude photos of her made headlines over five years ago, people are still going to bring them up when she runs for higher office. Uncensored photo below:

A man in Monticello, New York is in jail after asking a random thirteen-year-old girl if she would mind posing nude for his camera phone. The reason we're pointing this story out is this: he was apprehended after a bunch of passerby, who heard him propose the same setup to a (legal) woman, became an angry mob and chased him into someone's house.

Perhaps you've heard of them, but we haven't: several English celebrities are posing nude for charity.

Hear about that attorney who had his client pay off part of her debt by doing stripteases? Surprise-- he was a cheapskate.

Speaking of quid pro quo arrangements: a staff member of a Utah high school plead to a reduced charge in his beer-for-nude-photos-of-the-boys-who-wanted-beer scandal.

Detroit's City Council President is now the city's new Mayor, following his predecessor's sex scandal, jail sentence, and eventual resignation.

Megan Fox's Lesbian (Stripper) Love

Michael Phelps Celebrates Gold Medal Wins By Groping Strippers

Today in WTF: Female Stripper Charged With Raping Customer

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Diablo Cody: My Hero

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:02:00 GMT

And not just because she has amazing tattoos and spent a good deal of her life with silicon toys up her ass. Well, okay, silicon toys have a little something to do with it.

Diablo Cody recently "reached out" to her critics via her MySpace blog:

...I am not Charlie Kaufman or Sofia Coppola (much as I supplicate at their Cannes-weary feet.) I'm not Paul Thomas Anderson. I'm not even Paul W.S. Anderson. I am middle-class trash from the Midwest. I'm a competent nonfiction writer, an admittedly green screenwriter, and a product of Hollywood, USA. I am "Diablo Cody" and if you're not a fan, go rent Prospero's Books again and leave me the fuck alone.

I may have won 19 awards that you don't feel I earned, but it's neither original nor relevant to slag on Juno. Really. And you're not some bold, singular voice of dissent, You are exactly like everyone else in your zeitgeisty-demo-lifestyle pod. You are even like me. (I, too, loved Arrested Development! Aren't we a pretty pair of cultural mavericks? Hey, let's go bitch about how Black Kids are overrated!)

I'm sorry that while you were shooting your failed opus at Tisch, I was jamming toxic silicon toys up my ass for money. I get why you're bitter. I took exactly one film class in college and-- with the curious exception of the Douglas Sirk unit—it bored the shit out of me. I also once got busted for loudly crinkling a bag of Jujubes during a classroom screening of Vivre Sa Vie. I don't deserve to be here. We've established that. But I'm here. Five million 12-year-olds think I'm Buck Henry. Accept it...

This is the last I have to say on the subject, unless I'm provoked by a journalist in which case I'll gladly reload. With relish, as Betty Rizzo might say. That said, I'm a 30-year-old woman with a dwindling interest in blog culture, and I don't have time to address this bullshit every time one of my projects comes out. I'm in love, I just bought a house, and my boss made E.T. I kind of have to focus on reality.

And drinking. I have to focus on drinking.

In case you're wondering, we haven't even seen Juno. Not because we don't want to, or becuase people tell us it's "pretentious." We just don't see movies very often. We're pretty sure we'd like it (save the "honest to blog" line). Perhaps we'll rent it on iTunes tonight. After we find a way to get Diablo Cody to buy us a beer—or four.

[via Jezebel]

Ex-Teacher Argues Sex With Her Student Was Constitutional

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 16:27:00 GMT

A woman in Arkansas tried to have her felony sexual assault case thrown out of court by saying that she was perfectly within her Constitutional Rights to have sex with a male student. The court, however, has ruled otherwise and the case is proceeding according to the prosecutor's wishes.

No big deal, right? Wrong.

It turns out, the boy who she slept with (three times in one night, woo hoo!) was 18. Because he was her actual student, however, Melissa Monroe is charged with second degree sexual assault and providing alcohol for a minor. The unnamed male allegedly turned 18 that very day (wow-- to get it on three times with your hot teacher in her and her husband's bed, while drinking beer, on your eighteenth birthday? Almost as good as what we did on our 18th... but that's another story.) Nonetheless, state law mandates she be charged because of her status as a teacher.

One more thing: when are these teachers going to learn not to text about their relationships with students?

The young man went to her house on a January evening while her husband was out of town, according to a probable cause affidavit submitted by Detective Mark Jordan. The boy later told police they had sex and he stayed the night.
Monroe sent a text message to a fellow teacher at 7:30 p.m. Feb. 14 that read, "Help! I've made the worst decision of my life. And I don't know what to do." Monroe said that January night she was drinking and texting with a student. She said the student wanted to come over but she told him no. Eventually, he came over and they had sex three times.

The fellow teacher guessed which student.

Later that evening, Monroe texted, "You don't hate me do you?" and "At least he was legal. Haha," the affidavit says. [Dumbass Daily]

Ennhhh-- wrong! We're not sure what kind of jail time Monroe is looking at for her flub (maybe none), but she must really be kicking herself now...

Via BadBadTeacher.

Teacher Forced To Resign After Students Find His Gay Profile

Principal Fired For Convincing Student To Run Away With Him (Oh, And He's Charged With Rape, Too)

Female Teacher's Aide Guilty of Sex with 16-Year-Old Female Student

Connecticut Teens Busted For Classroom BJ

Sloppy Seconds: "I Need Sex"

College President Who Stopped Student From Drinking From Broken Keg Resigns

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:32:00 GMT

You know we're kidding when we used the words "stopped" and "broken" in that headline, right?

College President (not the student-elected kind) Robert Paxton was at a July 4th lake party when he was caught in the above photo helping a lovely young lass with her beverage:

"If you want to know the truth, the thing was broken," he said. "I never opened the tap on any keg."

Asked what he was doing with the keg suspended over the woman's open mouth, Paxton said: "Nothing. The thing didn't work. I was laughing at them. You know, if I was doing anything, I was grabbing it and trying to put it back down."

Uhhh... right. So that explains the fact that you are working the tap itself... how?

Wisely, Paxton decided not to fight the charges raised by his own Iowa Central Community College board and simply walked off the job, collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars on his way out. Amazingly, though, the story of how Paxton got a bunch of his underage son's friends drunk doesn't end there:

Paxton also denied that his 19-year-old son was drinking that day, yet police records show the young Paxton was picked up for a DUI charge later that evening. [DeadSpin]

Wow. This guy is the worst liar ever. Good riddance... after all, underage kids don't need you to help with their beer, creepy old dude.

Missouri Republican Resigns To Spend More Time With Family, Soon Gets Arrested For Sexually Assaulting 14-Year-Old

Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Beckinsale's Vagina Fear

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 21:13:00 GMT

The President of Pakistan resigned today following an emotional, hour-long speech recapping his life. Has George W. Bush ever given a speech, besides the State of the Union, that lasted more than eight seconds?

A woman recalls her nightmare date with the phony "Rockefeller" kidnapper. She knew he was a fake when she saw Post It notes all over his car reminding him of his different "life stories."

John Mayer spoke to TMZ about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston:

"There's no lying, there's no cheating, there's no nothing. People are different, people have different chemistry, different lives. You're either a cheater or you break up and I'm not the first one, I'm the second one. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right.
"Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met.
"I guarantee you there's 20 per cent of people on this street that are in a relationship they wish they could get out of and don't know how."

Laurence Fishburne will join CSI, as rumors previously suggested.

Just have colon surgery? Here, have some gum.

Wanted: women in Australia who do not consider themselves attractive.

What is up with the beer kegs in Iowa?

And Kate Beckinsale almost had a vagina slip, or she tells it:

"It was one of those nights when I wore a supertight dress that you couldn't have worn anything under, since it would have showed. The paparazzi were literally lowering their cameras like speculums when I got out of the car.

"On the way home, I said to my husband 'Darling, I think they might have gotten it.' And so when we pulled in I made him re-enact the thing with his camera - a sort of crime-scene run through. It appears I survived unscathed."

John Mayer And TMZ Make A Funny Video: "Do You Love Celebrities? I Sure Have."

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Kate Beckinsale Would Much Rather F*ck Than Cook

The Greatest Dive Bars: The Clermont Lounge

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:30:00 GMT

We were in Atlanta over the 4th of July weekend to see Tom Waits play on his rare and limited-date US tour, for which we drove down from Brooklyn.

After the show, a cute and rather innocent female friend suggested, almost offhandedly, that we might enjoy this place called the Clermont Lounge...

Shrugging in surrender and still not entirely conscious after that intense concert, we staggered into the Clermont sometime after midnight on a Saturday night, expecting to have a few beers and collapse. Instead, we were met by perhaps one hundred and fifty people, many of them couples in their 20s, rocking out on the dance floor and enjoying what even we had to admit was a great DJ. At the bar, we ordered a couple of PBR's with accompanying Jager shots, seeing as how we were at a world-class dive/dump. The bright red neon light that adorned every inch of wall space took us back to our most drugged out New Orleans evenings... or even back to that Factory scene in Midnight Cowboy.

Anyway, we were settling in, marveling at the local characters... when it soon became clear why we'd been directed to this place...

With no fanfare whatsoever and to the complete dismissal of everyone on the dance floor, a large woman wearing a sumo wrestler's outfit stepped up onto the bar and almost immediately exposed her breasts:

Aside from the fact that this low-quality, dim-lighting camera phone shot is basically useless in a blog post, this at least gives you an exact replica of what we were seeing. It turned out were in Atlanta's oldest and longest running strip club, complete with some of the finest area talent: the next act was an elderly Chinese woman in a green dress who raced back and forth across the slim bar and flashed each customer indvidually. According to this page, the strippers have to put money in the jukebox themselves if they want some theme music to dance to.

The outside kind of looked like this, although not really:

Yeah, not really. Anyway, it's well worth checking out when you're in town... or, hell, driving from halfway across a Hemisphere.

More on the Clermont Lounge online at this link.

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