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Manny Ramirez Takes Performance Enhancing Drugs...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 21:35:00 GMT

...the other kind.

LA Dodger superslugger Manny Ramirez has been banned from playing in the team's next 50 Major League Baseball games after he was found to have ingested a legal substance under the advice of his doctor. The drug? We'll give you one guess as to what it's for...

Ramirez released the following statement Thursday morning: “Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.

A Major League baseball official said that if Ramirez had a legitimate need for a drug on the banned list, he could have applied for a therapeutic exemption. Ramirez, the official said, did not ask for one.

Have you figured out what dumbass, who is expected to lose out on something insane like $7-8 million dollars for this error in judgment, took to help himself out?

...two sources said the substance Ramirez tested positive for was a gonadotropin. Major League baseball’s list of banned substances includes the gonadotropins LH and HCG, which are most commonly used by women as fertility drugs. They also can be used to trigger testosterone production. Testosterone is depleted by steroid use, and low testosterone can cause erectile dysfunction.

“Testosterone and similar drugs are effective for erectile dysfunction in that they jazz up your sex drive,” said Charles Yesalis, a professor at Penn State who has testified before Congress on issues of performance-enhancing drugs. “But far more clinicians accept that affect with Viagra and Cialis. It’s hard for me to understand if it was erectile dysfunction why they would use it.”

So, let me get this straight: Viagra and Cialis are not banned by the MLB, so he used a substance that was? Dude, it wasn't worth it for the extra testosterone-- blood flow from ED drugs would've been a wiser move. Too late now.

Via Yahoo! Sports.

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Alyssa Milano, Baseball Groupie

Colleen Kane — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 14:20:00 GMT

While we weren't paying attention, Alyssa Milano has been attending every Dodgers game, blogging on Major League Baseball's network, designing a line of girly baseball-logo wear, and dating a player or several.

One excerpt reads, “Other women dream of papaya facials and mango pedicures. Give me a hot dog, a pitchers’ duel and a late-inning suicide squeeze (risky tactic to score), and I melt like hot pine tar.”

Whatever that means.

And Alyssa, who's been fanatical about baseball since youth, also describes trying to swear off dating the players.

“To be completely honest, after Barry and I broke up, I swore off baseball players. (But) Brad had me at, ‘Let’s go down to the clubhouse.’”

Related:

VIDEO: Alyssa Milano as Marisa Tomei in Wrestler Takeoff

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Horror Movies

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:41:00 GMT

This summer, we gave you the 50 Sexiest Albums of All-Time in an effort to help the music industry's sluggish sales numbers. Now, we present an even sexier compendium-- complete with a few NSFW scenes to warm up your November afternoon-- as well as background and trivia and everything else that we can think of to convince you to rent these the next time you want to seduce somebody...

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 50-41

50. The Seven Year Itch. Backstory: What more do you need than this, Marilyn Monroe's famous subway grate encounter? Trivia: It has the Joe DiMaggio Seal of Disapproval-- the scene was so sexy, her husband (that guy from the Mrs. Robinson song) fled and never came back. Irnoically, the skirt blowing up? Deleted from the movie itself. Luckily, the rest of the film is brimming with unconsummated sexuality.

49. Casablanca. Backstory: Not even the sexiest movie from 1943, this earns its place here for the most romantic scene in movie history, in our opinion. Watching Bogie decide to do the right thing and send the love of his life off on a plane with her husband is so damn manly of him that, at the mere reminder of this moment, our gonads hang in shame. Trivia: The original ending came very closed to being changed thank to the Allied invasion of Casablanca just before the film was to be released.

48. Cruel Intentions. Backstory: Is it wrong to choose this over Les Liaisons Dangereuses, its predecessor? No, for while Liaisons did have a notable sex scene featuring the breasts of Uma Thurman, it also featured the tongue of John Malkovich and didn't really capture our (sexual) interest throughout. Oddly enough, the sinister and more overt incestuous teasing Sarah Michelle Gellar puts Ryan Phillipe through kept us glued to this otherwise merely grade-B adaptation of the famed French novel. Trivia: The sequel was originally planned as a TV series called Manchester Prep; here's how bad it was: when Fox decided it was too risque for their radical right-wing mindsets, the producers simply slapped the first three episodes together, added a nude scene, and released it straight to video. Yep, it's that good... [NSFW naughtiness starting after the 40-second mark.]

47. Midnight Cowboy. Backstory: If you're over the age of 12, you've hopefully done your civic duty and watched the only (then-)rated X movie to win Best Picture. If you haven't, stop reading and add it to your queue at once. If you've already seen it, then you know the hilarious sex scenes and sexual tension between Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman are only two of the reasons it helped to usher in a new dawn of gritty Hollywood filmmaking. Trivia: The film's famous party scene includes actual Warhol Superstars and the script was written by the great blacklisted writer Waldo Salt.

46. Flashdance. Backstory: While dancing in a lousy Pittsburgh bar and dreaming of studying at a nearby conservatory, Jennifer Beals meets the owner of a steel mill, where she also works. The two gradually fall in love... and yeah, you read Cinderella? You're tired of bad 80s music? Then you don't need this film. What you do need is this clip below... Trivia: The script was co-written by Joe Eszterhas, who went on to pen Showgirls and Basic Instinct.

45. Body Heat. Backstory: Hey, remember when Kathleen Turner used to be hot? We don't either-- although many people swear by the steamy Southern tale of murder, betrayal, and other cliched Hollywood plot twists. Trivia: Who cares about trivia? Watch this scene of unrestrained animal lust, which almost makes you forget it involves William Hurt and Kathleen Turner. [NSFW almost immediately.]

44. No Way Out. Backstory: Sean Young's character is so magnificiently attractive, not only does Kevin Costner risk life and life to sleep with her, but Gene Hackman ends up doing a terrible thing in rage because of her. (We won't say what it is, but here's a hint: they give it away on the back cover of the DVD, those idiots.) Trivia: This is the only film on this list that includes a sex scene in a movie vehicle. Also, nobody ever looked as good as Sean Young (!) does in that early party scene. Never ever. [NSFW almost immediately.]

43. Goldfinger. Backstory: It's fucking James Bond, yo, so there's your backstory. This is the one with Pussy Galore and all her hot young pilots, Shirley Eaton wearing only gold body paint, plus Sean Connery at his peak. Trivia: The Aston Martin spy car was introduced in this film and was such a successful inclusion it insured many films had donated product placements from them on.

42. Bound. Backstory: Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon make sex movie, yas. Trivia: This movie had a major cult following in the days before internet porn took off, and probably still does to this day. At one time, the phenomenon reached such a fever pitch, the following clip topped several Best Sex Scene Polls. The rest of the movie is pretty randy, too. [NSFW starting around the 4-minute mark.]

41. Bull Durham. Backstory: Who knew North Carolinans had such hot sex and great minor league sports teams? Trivia: The sex was so spectacular, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon decided to keep it going in real life... and they still do, or so we're told. Also, if you look closely, the note that Costner sends over to Sarandon doesn't say “I want to make love to you.” It says, “Wanna fuck this time?” And one more: Kurt Russell, who played minor league ball at one time, was originally set to star. [NSFW starts after a few minutes, then continues through two consecutive sex scenes.]

To be continued... your suggestions, as always, are welcome in the comments section.

Top 5 Sex Scenes From TV Shows

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes

Lizzy Caplan And Her HBO Porn Show Still Terrible, Terribly Hot

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

Sloppy Seconds: The Sheep Beauty Pageant

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 21:37:00 GMT

Everyone in this British man's Spanish town was arrested on corruption charges, so now he's the mayor. A bad Jim Carrey movie is already in the works, we're sure.

This is either the grossest or funniest thing in ages, we can't decide.

The latest nonsense rumor about Led Zeppelin...

Chris Cornell addressed rumors he'd tour with Led Zeppelin: "I have not been approached to fill in for Robert Plant on the upcoming Zeppelin tour, but that isn't to say I won't be."

There's nothing else to do there, so Saudi Arabia held a sheep beauty pageant.

Is Kathleen Edwards filing for divorce?

Why would anyone give Joe the Plumber a book deal? This guy will be a footnote on November 5th, no matter who wins.

Nikki Taylor got knocked up. In other news, Nikki Taylor is still considered newsworthy.

Sarah Palin needs to stay away from sports fans, for the last time. Especially Pennsylvanian sports fans.

Our favorite sign of the week.

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Video of the Day: Star Wars Trumpet Solo

Three Beauty Queens Walk Into a Rental Office....

Led Zeppelin May Have A New Singer... And It's Amazin'...

Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Sloppy Seconds: Phillies Fan Gives Her Team A Big Boost

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Vietnam believes small chests are unhealthy and that thin people shouldn't operate motor vehicles. Believe it or not, this is a health initiative.

T.I. voted in Georgia, despite being a convicted felon and a guy we didn't think would ever show up to vote.

This top 10 list of "Things I Hate Absolutely Hate About Heteronormative Dating" doesn't always hit the nail on the head, but these entries we can agree with:

3. If you show emotion too early on or too much of it, you are needy.

8. If you have sex too early you ruined it.

9. If you don't have sex early on you are a prude.

The rest can be found here.

A man stole a male "enhancement" cream (in quotes because it doesn't do anything-- or so we've heard, we swear), tried it out in the store's bathroom, failed to satisfy himself, checked out the Barbie dolls, exposed himself in the aisle, and returned to the bathroom to try again. Yep, that's pretty much all there is to that story.

This guy is either drunk or a McCain campaign worker trying to muck things up.

That naughty Shakira... she made everything think she was pregnant, but it turned out it was just a publicity stunt for her new album. Blah.

And today's Miss CoEd at CoEd magazine is Erika Nicole, who really wants the Phillies to win tonight, so much show that she's willing to leak dozens of photos of herself in very little clothing to give the team a morale, um, boost.

Related:

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...Shakira Allegedly Rocked Yacht With Two Dudes And A Camera

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Throbbing Hearts Can Get Kind of Messy

Sloppy Seconds: Which Olsen Twin Would Like You to Put a Baby in Her?

Who Would You Rather: A-Rod vs. Guy Ritchie?

Emily Farris — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 20:59:00 GMT

Now that Alex Rodriguez's divorce is settled, Madonna could pretty much have her way with him—if she hasn't already, if she even still wants to. Except, there's that whole pesky issue of her husband, Guy Ritchie. If you were Madonna, who would you pick? Or even if you weren't Madonna (because you're not) who would you rather: A-Rod or Guy Ritchie?

Related:

**The A-Rod, Madonna, Lenny Kravitz Clusterf*ck**

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Fox News Thinks Madonna Broke A-Rod's Rod

Does Madonna Have A Sex Tape And Do We Want To See It?

Sloppy Seconds: Matthew Broderick And Sarah Jessica Parker On The Run?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 21:25:00 GMT

John McCain waited for Obama to buy $5 million in ad to air during the Olympics before making his own $6 million buy. He'll do the same thing, kinda, with his VP choice.

Charlie Sheen, the highest paid actor on TV (hang your heads in shame, everyone), paid a doctor bill with loose change.

Lindsay Lohan's Dad is in the news again...

...this time he says because of his supposed "Christian values," he must refuse to walk his lesbian daughter down the aisle.

Baseball hasn't been this hip since the fifties: Wilco played "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" at Wrigley last night, during the 7th inning stretch.

A man has been jailed for "fondling himself" while running naked after a garbage truck. Guess we're not hip enough to be up to date on the latest fetishes.

Grand Theft Auto is back under the microscope after a kid killed a cab driver to see if real life is anything like his favorite game.

Amanda Peet says people should ignore the advice of famous actors and listen to her advice instead. In other news, Amanda Peet is apparently not an actor.

And Matthew Broderick and-- gasp!-- SJP may have to leave New York (scandal!) or at least find a new place to live because the paparazzi won't leave the couple alone. It doesn't help that your husband is probably cheating on you, Ms. Parker.

Crush of the Week: GTA IV's Lollipop Girl

Songs of Love and Hate: V-Day Edition

Did Eliot Spitzer Get Charlie Sheen's Sloppy Seconds?

Charlie Sheen In Today's (Second?) Biggest Hooker Scandal

Michael Lohan Sells Out Lindsay Once Again

Sloppy Seconds: It's Friday And Salma Hayek Is Single

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 21:50:00 GMT

A woman paid $1,000 for someone else's baby after having a miscarriage. Painful Excerpt: "...she didn’t want to disappoint her mother." Yikes.

Did you guys and gals attend the mass nude photo shoot today in Ann Arbor, Michigan?

The Best Article Every Day today featured "7 Reasons Why The New iPhone Sucks."

Lockup your children, drugs, bowler hats, and microphones: Pete Doherty is on the loose.

John McCain actually doesn't hide from gay Republicans. He just conveniently leaves them off his public schedule.

Today in Weight Gain or Pregnancy? rumors is Uma Thurman.

Wonkette reports that our favorite cheating, divorcing family values Republican seriously injured a man at a Congressional baseball game and did nothing while the man bled all over the place. Oh, then he hit a home run and celebrated. Classy.

Another disgusting Obama shirt or just a poor choice of words: "Obama Is My Slave." (we're betting it's the former-- can you picture them making and somehow selling a John McCain version?)

Salma Hayek is not getting married to some billionaire after all. While the lesbian rumors start up again, we'll make our move...

Related:

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Racist Fake Obama T-Shirt Has Internet In Uproar

Crazy White Supremacists-- Gasp!-- Hate Obama

Gisele Bundchen's Latest Nude Shoot May Be Her Finest Work Yet

Corrupt Congresswoman Does Topless Shoot From Prison

Photo via AskMen.

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At A Blue Jays Game

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:01:00 GMT

...which begs the obvious question... what were these knuckleheads doing actually watching the game?

Minnie Driver publicly thanked the biggest bunch of airheaded surfer dudes for their heroic efforts after video aired of the beach bums pounding some paparazzi into submission. The very pregnant Driver was trying to enjoy a day on the beach when privacy-invading photographers swept in with their long lenses. Check out the story and video, complete with full "don't photo me, bro" goodness.

There's a new movie playing in London about a boat orgy that ends when one guy hits a girl in the back of the head during sex and kills her. The title? "Donkey Punch," of course.

Is Grey's Anatomy going to kill off Katherine Heigel's character?

[S]taffers are considering giving her character, Dr. Izzie Stevens, a brain tumor.
“[Producer] Shonda [Rhimes] and the writers are pissed at her [for dissing them after she refused to be considered for an Emmy, saying the past season's material was terrible],” the source tells Us. “It’s their way of screwing with her. She won’t know whether she’s going to live or die.”

Wired is really hyping their cover story on Julia Allison-- we've seen three ads online for it just in the last day. Apparently the editors were unaware the rest of the media covered this story back in the 2006 era.

A man claims he found a seven-inch knife in his sandwich in a New York City Subway restaurant. We're not sure why he's complaining-- we've found far worse things in ours...

Saturday's Blue Jays game was apparently not Bobblehead Doll Day, as advertised, but rather Topless Blond In A Hotel Overlooking The Field Day. The Ottawa Sun, which broke the story, has a full rundown of other similar incidences at the Renaissance Inn:

May 1990
During a Blue Jays game, hotel security and police throw out a man who was seen masturbating behind a hotel room window that overlooked the baseball diamond. Police said the man thought he was behind a one-way window.
May 1990
A couple has sex in one of the 70 hotel rooms overlooking a ball game attended by 55,000 fans. The couple -- who apparently weren't aware they could be seen with the lights off -- were "mortified." The incident received media attention around the world, including five minutes on The Arsenio Hall Show.
The Jays lost.
May 1995
In front of 40,000 fans, a couple has sex in a chair right next to the window overlooking the field during the 7th inning of a Jays-Royals match. The couple were seen right above the then-Jumbotron (now the Rogers Centre videoboard).
The Jays lost.

And more at the Ottawa Sun website.

We Have Some Bad News About This Ball Girl Catch Video

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 19:31:00 GMT

You've seen this amazing catch by a ball girl during a minor league basball game, right? Our dad sent us the clip. We think he may have been trying to adopt this ball girl to make up for all the times we struck out in softball as a child.

But...the joke's on him. It's an ad for Gatorade and it's not real.

We were extremely relieved to learn that it's fake. Now we won't have to find a new family.

Video of the Day: The World's Greatest Slip 'N Slide

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 17:58:00 GMT

When was the last time you saw professional athletes laughing and enjoying themselves, putting on a real show for the fans that has nothing to do with how many home runs their muscles have earned them or how much better than Michael Jordan they think they are? (Yeah, we mean you, Kobe Bryant.)

Over the weekend, the Texas Rangers faced the New York Mets at Shea Stadium, which is soon to be demolished. Unfortunately, the game, much like our Saturday and Sunday, got washed away. Thankfully, some Rangers players gave the long-suffering fans a treat when they turned the tarp-covered field into their very own gigantic slip 'n slide.

Sure, this is a trivial video and you only need to watch about thirty seconds to fully appreciate the story, but remember this: the notorious New York fans, in a rare display of national unity, actually chanted "Let's go, Rangers" as the players carried out their entertainment. Kinda warms the heart, doesn't it?

Roger Clemens Has A Rocket In His Pocket

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 01 May 2008 21:20:00 GMT

We're supposed to be on vacation this week, but there are too many scandals to ignore. Roger Clemens has been a party to two-- count 'em, TWO!-- in the past 72 hours alone.

According to several major media outlets, beginning with the New York Daily News, Clemens had an affair with golfer John Daly's ex-wife, apparently sometime about ten years ago. The man is like Bill Clinton on ecstasy-- he's just having a great ol' time cheating on his wife at every opportunity.

And let's not forget the highlights from the Clemens-future awful reality show star Mindy McCready story:

1) McCready, a country singer who has been to jail twice in the last few years and is a notorious heavy drinker, began sleeping with Clemens-- allegedly, we are made to say-- at the age of 15.

2) Other sources say they only "went to a hotel together" when she was fifteen and that the relationship began much later, after McCready became a country star. Yeah, we don't buy that either. "Maybe he 'misremembered' what he was doing in those hotel rooms," jokes a reader of USA Today, referring to the infamous and ill-advised testimony Clemens gave to Congress recently.

3) Clemens may have tried to buy McCready's silence with a cool $25,000. Or he could've been, as his spokesperson says, just been "trying to help her out with her legal issues." More like his legal issues-- after all, he's the one who's suing his former personal trainer and righthand man for "defamation of character." Keeping Mindy quiet keeps his case from falling apart in court.

4) McCready's only statement: "I cannot refute anything in the story," which roughly translates to the English words "hell yes."

Via the Chicago Tribune.

A Case of Mistaken Hard Lemonade

Emily Farris — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:09:00 GMT

Christopher Ratte, a University of Michigan professor, ordered a lemonade at a baseball game, removed the cap and handed it to his seven-year-old son. When a guard saw the boy drinking a Mike's Hard Lemonade, police were called in and the boy was removed from the stadium (by ambulance) and his parents' custody.

Ratte claims he had no idea the lemonade contained alcohol and that he'd never heard of Mike's.

We believe him. Because, for one, who would be that stupid to let his kid drink alcohol in public? He would have, at the very least, done what our parents did and disguised the booze in a baby bottle..then a Sesame Street sippy cup...then a My Little Pony thermos.... (just joking, Mom wasn't sneaking us booze until we were at least 14!).

Even though doctors found no trace of alcohol in the boy's system, he was placed in foster care for two days while Ratte was all but forced to watch bad television just so he could catch a Mike's commercial. Because, you know, ignorance of the law is no excuse. Or some shit.

[Don't Tase Me, Bro! via BoingBoing]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton's Pussy Cat, Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman Talk Politics, Ethan Hawke's Belly, Porn and Snow

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:58:00 GMT

Paris Hilton left her pussy cat at the vet, and now they don't want to give it back.

Scarlett Jonansson and Natalie Portman talk monogamy and politics in W. We're not at all digging the cover and we're more than a little surprised that the Fug Girls haven't Fuged it yet.

We're trying to remember if we ever had a crush on Ethan Hawke, and we think that we probably did not (and we dig dudes with bellies).

Where do you hide your porn? We have an ex that hid his under "baseball."

And New Yorkers, you're not going to let a little snow come between you and the ones you love tonight, are you?