Scanner : babies

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Has Twins

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 May 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden are having a boy. [FadedYouth]

For the third time in a row a woman is The Biggest Loser. [People]

Ricky Gervais + Bambi = the best thing we've seen and heard all day. [BuzzFeed]

Shanna Moakler has resigned as Miss California pageant director in the wake of the Carrie Prejean opposite-boob-marriage scandal. [Us]

Say what? Wanda Sykes just became the mother to twins? We had no idea that she and her wife were expecting, but on April 27, the couple welcomed a son and daughter. [People]

Sloppy Seconds: Vanessa Hudgens is Ready to Get Naked

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 May 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Is it really possible to find an adult friend on AdultFriendFinder.com? [BuzzFeed]

We were just wondering what the hell ever happened to Sinbad. Okay, not really, but if you were... [FlavorWire]

This seemingly drug-induced gibberish is the best recap of last night's Gossip Girl we've read yet. [Gakwer-Defamer]

Hey, remember Eminem? He's trying to help out Detroit's auto industry. [FadedYouth]

Funny Maya Rudolph is knocked up with another probably funny baby. [People]

Katy Perry is thinking of giving it all up to settle down and have babies, but we don't see that happening any time soon (for her or for us). [FameCrawler]

High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens on getting naked: "Right now, I would feel comfortable doing it, but, like I said, when the time's right, if it's an amazing movie that I'm really passionate about and that's what it calls for, then we'll see," she continued. [Us]

Today in WTF: Crying Japanese Sumo Baby Contest

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 21:32:00 GMT

We'd heard about this from friends of ours that had lived in Japan, but we couldn't imagine it was an annual event... or that it took place in multiple cities, with throngs of onlookers actually enjoying babies crying at deafening volumes.

Thankfully, LiveLeak has video to go with our story...

The festival translates as "Baby Cry-sumo" and participants are sat facing each other on tiny wrestling mats, then given some a reason to cry about it. The baby that cries the loudest is declared the winner and is considered blessed with health and happiness. Or something.

What weirded us out the most is all the laughing, smiling locals and tourists standing around the screamfest. How the hell can they stand all that? When we're in a restaurant with these monsters, we ask to move to another table, preferably by the kitchen, where the chef's screaming usually drowns out all others and bring us the health and happiness we were seeking.

Is this child abuse or the next Fox reality show, starring fat white Americans? Unfortunately, we'd guess both.

Related:

We Missed Out on National Penis Day 2009

Sexy Tattoos From The Pre-Badass Era

Japan Destroys America Again in Cuteness Department

Bristol Palin Has a Job and You Don't

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 May 2009 21:16:00 GMT

How is it that we have a ton of smart, talented, over-educated friends who can't find jobs while unwed teenage mother Bristol Palin just scored a great one?

B-Pal has just been appointed as one of the Candies Foundation's Teen Ambassadors, working on the Foundation's national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy.

“I feel that I could be a living example of the consequences of teen pregnancy. If I can prevent even one girl from getting pregnant, I will feel a sense of accomplishment.”

Well, that's something.

No word on if she'll be taking home a fat paycheck, or if she'll be taking home a paycheck at all, but if so we recommend she invest in some condoms and birth control pills. (And she could send some our way if she'd like. Our monthly pack of Yasmin was one of our recession sacrifices and now our face is totes broken out).

Related:

Leave Bristol Palin Alone?

Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

Sloppy Seconds: Bristol Palin's New Gig

[Source]

Which Hipster Celebrity Couple Married in a Secret Ceremony Over the Weekend?

Emily Farris — Mon, 04 May 2009 15:11:00 GMT

Recognize that celebrity love child?

We're all for living in sin so we've always sort-of admired celebrity couples who seem really happy together, have kids and are totally okay not being married. Especially when they're the kind of people we imagine we could be friends with. It's sort-of like they're giving a big "fuck you" to conventional ways of life, and we really appreciate that. So, we have to admit that while we love weddings (and probably even want one of our own someday), and we're happy for these two, we're slightly disappointed in them for tying the knot in a ceremony in Italy over the weekend.

31-year-old Maggie Gyllenhaal and 38-year-old Peter Sarsgaard married on Saturday in a small chapel at hotel Masseria in Brindisi near Rome.

But who are we kidding? We totally still want to be friends with them. And we would totally babysit two-year-old Ramona. And probably for free. ::Sigh::

At Long Last! The Hollywood Sex Scene Database

Maggie Gyllenhaal Waits for No AMPTP, And Her Hair Does Look Great

[Faded Youth Blog: Just Married]

While You Were Sleeping: Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape Is Inspiring to Young Girls?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

Say what you want about its culture, but Wal-Mart workers in Miami may be the first in the nation to unionize.

The top 10 places to kiss.

Here's one we haven't heard before: police raided a topless bar that featured a fourteen-year-old stripper.

Arlen Spector's historic decision to switch to the Democratic Party yesterday not only gives the Donkeys 60 seats in the Senate, it also means they'll probably seize the seat next fall.

SJP and Matthew Broderick are having twins (through a surrogate.)

How can anyone give a flying fuck what Sean Hannity says after he relentlessly defended Kim Kardashian as a role model.

Dolph Lungren probably wishes he could've had Sly around to kick some major ass while this was going down.

And do you think this mother should have her children taken away? She is very overweight and was feeding them McDonald's (albeit UK McDonald's) at six months!

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Want A Happy Marriage? Here's the Solution

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 15:26:00 GMT

MSNBC has a story this morning on a study of the happiest and unhappiest marriages in the United States. What's the secret? Great sex at 52? Living the high life in Brentwood, with gaggles of friends, cocktail parties, and sleek new cars?

Well, MSNBC isn't entirely sure. However, it reports on an eight-year-long study (you know, an actual study, not a telephone survey that will be disproven next week) of 218 married couples and charted their level of happiness over time. The results will come as no surprise to those pessimistic about the perks of bringing children into the world...

The main point uncovered by the study: 90% of couples reported a huge decline in marital satisfaction due to the presence of a child. This we already knew-- but that suspicion was mainly due to sex and the possible lack thereof after children enter into the picture. This study, however, notes an overall dissatisfaction with the marriage itself after the birth of a baby.

The professor of psychology at the University of Denver where the study originated added that other couples experience a decrease in satisfaction over time, but not nearly as rapidly as couples with children. And yes, we probably suspected as much already.

However:

An unrelated study in 2006 of 13,000 people found parents are more depressed than non-parents. Scientists speculate that the problem is partly a modern one, because parents don't get as much help at home as they did in previous generations.
There are key variables to note in the new study.
Couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after the birth of a child than those who lived separately before marriage, as did those whose parents fought or divorced.

The most interesting result we came across noted that those who said kids made their marriage stronger were making more money and had been married longer.

Via MSNBC.

Mel Gibson's Mistress Begins the Obligatory Photo Leak Phase of Her Stardom

While You Were Sleeping: Lara Flynn Boyle Still Getting Naked

Mel Gibson's Wife Comes to Her Senses, Files for Divorce

How to Make A Baby

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:34:00 GMT

Do any of our readers have kids that have asked them how they can put a baby in someone? (Wait, you people might have children-- that's frightening.)

If so, you can always show them this handy, cutesy, and mercifully short little video, after which your children will tell everyone they can get pregnant from a blow job.

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Any interest in auditioning for Puppetry of the Penis? We know a few Scanner bloggers who would attend your opening night performance...

In a stunning upset, Rascal Flatts topped Miley Cyrus on this week's Billboard album charts.

Why was a 25-year-old woman having sex with an 83-year-old man in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart? Nevermind, we'd rather not find out.

Believe it or not, there is a code of conduct for the crazy Mexican drug lords doing all that shooting.

Larry David on Woody Allen, and Woody Allen on Larry David makes for interesting reading for film buffs.

We hope Megan Fox wakes up one day soon and realizes this Brian Austin Greene character is about as cool as New Kids on the Block.

That Bruce Springsteen affair story just won't die.

Barack Obama got naked in Boston-- in a way.

And baby makes seven... not counting its parents, of course: Angelina Jolie is apparently ten weeks pregnant, according to unconfirmed reports.

Aging Gracefully Like Sophia Loren

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Emily Farris — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 23:01:00 GMT

The Obamas finally got a puppy. It wasn't a shelter dog (grr) but it sure is cute. [Yahoo!]

Madonna is still trying to adopt a child from Malwai. [Us]

It's posssssible that a hacker was responsible for the #amazonfail. [Vulture]

Fergie would like a baby in her. Right now. [FameCrawler]

Butt implants can be a real pain in the ass if you're having butt sex. Apparently. [ClayCane]

Scarlett Johansson (well, probably her assistant) is as annoyed with the media's obsession with weight and plastic surgery as we are. [The Huffington Post]

Speaking of if you're Keeping up with the Kardashians, you probably know that one of them is having plastic surgery. [The Remote Island]

Cute & Cuter

Colleen Kane — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:00:00 GMT

Cute and Cuter is a simple but great idea for a Tumblr blog: it's just photos of cute guys with other cute things, like animals and toddlers. But for those of us who worked at Naked Man Magazine, it goes to illustrate the challenge of that job that cute is in the eye of the beholder.

For example...

In a few of the photos, we find neither party cute, but we don't want to single them out because they're real people, not celebs. In others, only the guy is cute (we don't care for the yipyip animals).

Some photos are cute only because of the non- (Jonas) boy element.

But some are cute & cuter.

Caption from Cute and Cuter: I cropped the beautiful woman he was with out of this, because this blog is not about cute couples.

Hell yes.

Related:

Reading Scanner is So Gay!

PC World Picks The 11 Worst Blogs

Blogs That Ain't Sh*t But Hos and Tricks

Website Stockpiles Your Worst In-Flight Experiences

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:12:00 GMT

The worst experience we ever had on a plane wasn't really anyone's fault: we were flying from New York to Minneapolis during the Presidential campaign in 2004. For some reason, we had agreed to see in the last row of the plane, next to the toilets. We'd rather pay $400 more per flight than experience that nastiness again.

Anyway, that wasn't the reason it was so awful. We get motion sickness from turbulence and the weather that night was beyond awful-- there's nothing crazier than looking down at lightning-- with huge gusts of wind sending the whole plane into a panic. A flight attendant on her day off was sitting next to us, buying us Scotches and being a terrible flirt. That would have helped a lot, except after a violent, sudden drop, she said quietly, "Oh, no... this is not good."

Somehow, we survived, as did all of these poor souls who faced violence, turbulence, scary noises, and other sounds that were entirely the work of people on the plane. Can you top these crazy tales from Flights From Hell?

Of course, this is an international flight so after making her announcements in English, she proceeds to repeat them in German. The guy starts huffing and complaining that he's sick of hearing that damn German gibberish already! Uh-oh, I'm thinking. But the fun had only just begun. He proceeds to order two double scotches as soon as humanly possible and downs them in nothing flat. Then the woman in front of him tries to recline her seat. He plants his feet and presses with his fists against her seat with all of his might (of course he had HIS seat reclined as far back as possible). She looks back to see if something is wrong and he pretends that nothing happened! Shortly, he fails to remain vigilant and she manages to recline her seat a little...so he starts punching the seat! As hard as he could, he punched the seat in front of him. The poor woman was going to get whiplash.
When I showed her the [barf] bag, I was astonished by her reaction. I figured, “Hey, they deal with sort of thing all the time.” But no, she turned her nose at me and told me to put it under the seat! I was shocked. Not only did the people next to me have to deal with the sound of my retching, but now they (and I) had to deal with the faint but lingering smell of puke from the bag and the fact that it would be under the seat for the rest of the four and a half hour flight.
He situates himself, waits until we take off, and proceeds to take off his shoes....first the right, then the left....followed by, of course, his socks - first the right then the left.....he then begins to PICK at the dead, scaly skin on his feet. I'm not kidding - he used his finger nails to scrape, scrape and pull the dead skin from his heels, his toes, the arch of his foot. After a few minutes, I thought - surely someone would say something to stop him. Definitely the poor person sitting next to him would eventually get fed up at the disgustingness of the situation to ask him to stop. Nope...no one - not a flight attendant, NO ONE said a word.
Two rows behind her on the plane was a mother, father, and their young toddler-aged daughter. The daughter misbehaved terribly. She would sing out loud, kick the seat, toss crayons into the aisles, and pretty much just do whatever she wanted. Luckily, the flight wasn't long, because the mother and father never said anything to encourage the child to stop misbehaving. When the flight did land, a woman sitting in front of the parents and child turned and said, "You should know that your child is one of the most worst behaved children I have ever seen," and proceeded up the aisle to disembark. The next thing you know, the mother flies out of her seat and literally runs up the aisle after the woman. The child asks her father, "Where did mommy go?" He tells her, "Mommy's going to kick some ass."

Ah, there's something to be said for road trips, isn't there? More stories here.

Related:

Aer Lingus Takes a Cue From PETA

The Mile High Club Takes On A Whole New Meaning...

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

British Airways Invites You To Join The Mile High Club

PapSmeared: Somebody Should Tell Suri Cruise That Flip-Flops Aren't Part of the Scientology Detox Diet

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:44:00 GMT

But damn, she still makes us want to have babies. Like, right now.

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Gisele's "Wake-Up Call"

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:13:00 GMT

R.I.P. New York Times City Section. [Jossip]

A couple in the UK spent 20 years making a model of the town where they first met. Now that's true love, suckers. [Telegraph]

When NASA started an online contest to name the International Space Station's new living quarters, they had no idea Stephen Colbert would start a little campaign to have it named after him. And that he would succeed. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz (and his PENIS!) hopes that his wife Ashlee Simpson will "play the bitch" when she stars on the new Melrose Place. [Us]

Gisele Bündchen says that the arrival of hubby Tom Brady's child with Bridget Moynahan was "a wake-up call." In a good way. [People]

[Image]

Today in WTF?: Man Pours Chili on His Pregnant Girlfriend

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:11:00 GMT

Domestic disturbances are getting really, um, disturbing lately. First there was the woman who handcuffed herself to her husband and then bit the shit out of him because she wanted to talk and now we hear the story of a man who poured chili on his pregnant girlfriend because he didn't want to go to the other room to watch TV.

The 26-year-old victim told investigators her boyfriend, with whom she has two children and is nine weeks pregnant, came home Thursday evening and wanted to watch TV in their bedroom.

Boyfriend Edd M. Johnson, 21, is accused of kicking the TV and breaking it after she asked that he watch TV in the other room of the residence in the 2900 block of Southeast Delmar Street. The victim went to slice the power cord of the other TV with scissors when police said Johnson grabbed her neck and pulled her away.

The victim called her sister, who called the sheriff’s office. She grabbed her kids and got in her vehicle when Johnson came out with a can of chili.

“Edd also grabbed at (the victim’s) bra which tore off of her,” the report states. “Edd then poured the chili into the vehicle over the drivers seat of the vehicle and on (the vicitm)”

Deputies noted a “brown liquid substance” over the driver’s seat and on the left side of the victim’s face and ear. The 10-month-old child also had some in her hair.

Ew.

One would think that in these tough economic times we should be hoarding non-perishable chili, not using it as a weapon.

[TCPalm: Stuart man accused of pouring chili on girlfriend during argument]

Related:

Woman Handcuffs Husband to.... Talk?

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

Shameless Self Promotion: My Book! (<--There's a chili cheese corndog recipe in there!)

[Image]

French President Names Woman To Cabinet Because She's Hot

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

French President Nicholas Sarkozy is about to lose his justice minister, the controversial Rachida Dati, who will leave a giant hole in the daily tabloids when she departs in June. (Dati, as you may recall, became a single mother at 42 and then caused an uproar when she attended a cabinet meeting five days later.)

Sarkozy realized France loves its female politicians, particularly much-discussed, attractive ones. So, his next Cabinet minister is going to be Christine Kelly, a woman "known for appearing in her bikini and appearing on TV..."

According to the Telegraph, Kelly was chosen because:

"Mr Sarkozy is hugely impressed that she is not only attractive, but in touch with the modern world,' said a source in the governing UMP party. Ed. Note: Notice he mentioned her looks first...

Yep, those are pretty much the extent of her qualifications, at least according to that story. Sarkozy is well on his way to becoming the next Silvio Berlusconi.

More about Kelly here, if the translation works.

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Does This Supermodel Look Fat To You?

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Holds Out, Won't Put Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A 15-year-old student in Florida has been suspended from school for three days because he farted on the bus. [Inquisitr]

Oh, Jesus. Some dude wants to make babies with "angel princess" Paris Hilton. [FadedYouth]

We were sort-of excited (okay, really excited) about "Lesbian Vampire Killers" until we read this: "The lesbian vampire queen, who is in fact the only one of the vampires who seems to genuinely be a lesbian rather than just a generally lusty vampire, can only be killed with the sword. It's a subtle moment, so let's rephrase: The lesbian curse is only lifted when the lesbian is penetrated by the cock sword." [Vulture]

Isaiah Washinton, who was fired from the cast of Grey's Anatomy in 2007 for making a gay slur at co-star T.R. Knight (who had not yet come out of the closet) is facing eviction from his Venice home. [Us]

Contrary to earlier reports, Katy Perry and Josh Groban are not dating. People everywhere continue to not care. [People]

Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman still has not accepted any offers to do porn or any offers to do reality shows featuring Vivid girls. (P.S. Thems not enuf diapers.) [The Frisky]

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

6 Tips on Cheating And Getting Away with It

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

While You Were Sleeping: The Top Models Brawl

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Charlie Sheen's wife gave birth to twin boys. Wonder what that childhood's gonna be like...

Political turncoat Ron Silver died of cancer at the age of 62. Silver was most recently known for appearing on The West Wing.

An arrest warrant was issued for Lindsay Lohan over the weekend; she faces a hearing today.

The right-wing came out swinging at Jon Stewart over the Jim Cramer-Brawl Street business, none more pathetically than Tucker Carlson, who denied being a "partisan hack."

At an America's Next Top Model cattle call (that's a term, not a slur) in New York, three women were arrested when some idiots yelled "there's a bomb," probably to cut ahead in line, and a full-on brawl/stampede ensued.

Lionel Richie worried that his female fans would stop throwing their panties at him if he became a grandfather.

This trailer makes painting seem so badass.

Race to Witch Mountain easily dethroned The Watchmen over the weekend.

And how would you like this job? Kylie Minogue was paid $1 million for performing a single song for Bollywood.

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

The Rise and Fall of Lindsay Lohan

Today in the Apocalypse: Barbie Got Even Skinnier

Sloppy Seconds: Yet Another Lesbian Teacher Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 21:44:00 GMT

We thought Sunshine Cleaning might be good until we read this round up. Verdict: it's a rental.

Hundreds of thousands of people were willing to overlook the fact that they were financing the lifestyle of a child molester: all 50 or so Michael Jackson concerts are sold out.

This idiot juror may have cost someone a verdict of $12.6 million by Tweeting instead of paying attention to the trial.

Another teacher busted for having a lesbian relationship with a student. These educators will never learn.

The Heathers musical: good or bad idea, in theory?

What do you do if your mom catches you jerking off? The answer probably isn't punch her in the face and get arrested.

Here's one we haven't heard before: in Russia, a baby was born with two penises. That kid with the penis on his back has a new friend!

Ask Andy: Birth Control

Penis, Penis, Peanuts

Today in WTF: Penis Extenders Actually Work?

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About "Horrific Beetle Sex"

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 22:47:00 GMT

Ovarian cancer, which is known as the silent killer because it's so hard to detect in early stages, killed 15,000-plus women in the US last year. But now, doctors are a step closer to developing a way to screen for it. [Us News & World Report]

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, who just got engaged last month, supposedly married in Savannah, GA this week. [People]

Gisele would like her new husband Tom Brady to put a baby in her. Right now. [Us]

The worst craigslist job posting of the day? Asking writers to contribute a story with a minimum of 2,000 words for $20 about how they have quit caffeine. One would have to be on some form of caffeine—if not crack—to be willing to write 2,000 words for $20. [Craigslist Kansas City]

In the wake of the Chris Brown Rihanna mess, Tyra Banks is devoting tomorrow's show to the topic of teen dating abuse. And Ms. Banks will add a personal touch to the conversation, though it appears her relationship was more emotionally abusive than physically abusive. [FadedYouth]

Sloppy Seconds: What We Gave Up for Lent

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:33:00 GMT

I may have moved to the worst city—ever!—for dating, but at least it's the manliest based on "the number of U.S.-made cars driven in the city, number of sports bars and BBQ restaurants, number of home improvement and hardware stores as well as manly salty snacks consumption." [FatCity]

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer is one step closer to switching to an online-only publication. [Yahoo!]

Michelle Obama will be the first person other than Oprah herself to ever appear on the cover of O Magazine. [Us]

What's this about a giant blue wiener in "The Watchmen?" Now we're totally seeing it. [Rolling Stone]

Gossip Girl's Matthew Settle (Rufus) is a daddy. [People]

Believe it or not kids, Scanner Emily here, an athiest, gave up sex (or anything beyond kissing, hugging and a back rub if I can get it) for Lent. Some people are giving up texting. Both would probably be good for interpersonal relationships. What are you giving up, if anything? [Tech-Ex]

This Guy Thought It Was OK To Sign Stepdaughter To Sex Contract

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 16:51:00 GMT

An Australian man has been sentenced to a mere eight years in prison for molesting his stepdaughter, who consented to be his love slave in a signed contract. The contract, which is totally illegal, of course, is just one of several bizarre twists in this agonizing, widely-publicized trial.

For starters, her mother was well aware of the goings-on...

The girl's mother, who, like the others involved in this case, remains unidentified, was sentenced to a mere six months in prison for encouraging the sixteen-year-old daughter to have a baby with the mother's own husband. The contract, which was partly her idea, called for the daughter to keep all the "baby bonuses," whatever those are. ("Having to wake up in the middle of the night all the time," "having to give birth to your stepfather's child and drop out of school"-- something along those lines?)

The woman talked her way out of a harsher sentence by claiming that she only wanted to have another child and because her two children have Hirschsprung's disease, the lovely couple decided to the sixteen-year-old girl should carry the kid. (Have these people ever heard of adoption or surrogate motherhood or sexual abuse laws?) The mother may or may not have known the real truth: that her husband had been molesting the girl since she was 12, which throws his whole pathetic argument out the window.

PS The contract at the top of this post is unrelated to the case, but you should really click on it for the larger pic.

You can read more about the conclusion of the court case here.

Related:

Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

We Had No Idea the Catholic Church Could Be This Scary...

Today in the Apocalypse: 17-Year-Old MADD Volunteer Hosts Quiet Gathering...

Sloppy Seconds: Nine-Year-Old Girl Marries in Texas

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 23:39:00 GMT

This is the best news we've heard all day: apparently Andy Richter will serve as Conan O'Brien's sidekick when Conan takes over The Tonight Show on June 1. Dear Andy Richter, while we love you even when you're not by Conan's side, please do not leave this time to do any more sitcoms. Thank you. [AntiCool]

And the worst news we've heard all day: there's a Gmail phishing scam spreading like wildfire this evening. We've already gotten two requests. Read this before you open any 'chat' emails. [Mashable]

Diablo Cody + zombies = awesomeness. We hope. [AfterEllen]

Is it possible that Cameron Diaz is finally going to settle down? [FameCrawler]

If you'd like to read some psychohipsterbabble that we can't really wrap our heads around read this. [Vulture]

Best headline of the day: "Man sues ex-girlfriend for hairy postcards." [APP]

This is really sad and (we don't want to sound insensitive) but also, sort-of, um, creepy? Maybe we're just heartless and can't quite get behind the fact that a couple in Texas staged a wedding for their nine-year-old daughter. Perhaps what bothers us most is that at that age, the one thing she wanted to do before she died was get married. [Video: CNN]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Will The Real Fake Fakers Please Stand Up?

Emily Farris — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:33:00 GMT

You know it's a good week when real vampires get pissed off at fake vampires... or is it real fake vampires getting pissed at fake fake vampires?

Highs:

We found our new favorite man-boy band.

Our token Canadian helped us celebrate President's Day.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We laughed so hard at Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop we almost peed our pants (okay, maybe we did a little).

We were validated, yet again, in our Crazy Cat Ladydom.

We also feel a lot better about that nervous breakdown we had at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

We totally crushed on Playboy's newest play boy.

We looked at Kate Moss semi-naked and got a little jeal-jeal of her cute little tats.

We went shopping.

We discussed our girl parts, twice.

We fell in love with LOVE.

We need you to put a baby in us. Right now.

Lows:

Now we know how we do not want to die.

Looks like somebody's putting Johnny in a corner.

We found another beard we simply cannot endorse.

We recalled, for the umpteenth time, how we lost our virginity.

We learned that we are not unique.

Apparently, we cannot earn Weight Watchers activity points for sex.

We learned that fake fake vampires are pissing off real fake vampires.

We bid a fond farewell to Con-nan O'Briaaaaaahhhn.

And a bittersweet farewell to a crazy-ass chimp.

We don't want to be Obama's elf.

Barbie got even skinnier.

But this might be worse than all that.

Crazy Husband Lady Left Lonely

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 20:56:00 GMT

There sure are a lot of women out there making us feel better about being on the not-so-long road to Crazy Cat Ladydom. First, it was the Crazy Baby Lady and now—possibly less offensive but just as insane—is the Crazy Husband Lady, Linda Wolfe (not that she's always been Mrs. Wolfe).

The 68-year-old Indiana resident has been Mrs. Scott, Mrs. Street, Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Berisford, Mrs. Chandler, Mrs. Essex, Mrs. Moyer, Mrs. Massie, and Mrs. McMillian, among many other names.

"It's easy to sum up," she said of her life. "When I was younger I was just a snot-nosed kid, but the neighborhood boys were all in love with me. They all wanted to marry me."

But after 23 husbands (two gay, two homeless and more than a few who cheated on her—but she never cheated on them!), Mrs. Linda Wolfe is lonely. She has been single for twelve years.

"I would get married again," she said, "because, you know, it gets lonely."

The weirdest part of all of this (to us, at least) is that with every marriage she changed her name! You'd think she might have wised up after the first few.

[Sun Times: Hoosier woman lonely after 23 marriages]

Related:

Crazy Baby Lady Puts Crazy Cat Ladies to Shame

Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Salma Hayek Has Completed the Fameball Trifecta

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 21:08:00 GMT

One: Salma Hayek rocks 30 Rock as Alec Baldwin's love interest.

Two: Salma Hayek lets an African baby suckle her ample teet.

Three: Salma Hayek marries her baby daddy and French millionaire, Francois-Henri Pinault, on Valentine's Day.

According to French magazine Le Point, as translated by People.com, Hayek, 42, married Francois-Henri Pinault, 46, on Saturday (Valentine’s Day) in the City Hall of the Sixth Arrondissement in central Paris, which is owned by Pinault’s family.

Well played, Salma.

Related:

Salma Hayek Breastfeeds An African Baby, We Feel Bad For Being Grossed Out

Top 5 Salma Hayek Sex Scenes

Sloppy Seconds: It's Friday And Salma Hayek Is Single

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 14:16:00 GMT

How was your V-Day? 40,000 people celebrated in Mexico by breaking a world record for makeout sessions.

M.I.A. has a baby boy, can't type for shit.

Who woulda thought Roland Burris, the Senator appointed by Blago, would end up in a possible ethical scandal?

Chris Brown doesn't appear willing to admit he doesn't deserve our sympathy. Meanwhile, Rihanna dumped his allegedly sorry ass.

What do you do when a judge loads a breathalyzer in your car? Why, rent a vehicle and crash it drunk instead.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson had a lousy V-Day, complete with a intrusive New York Post "reporter."

And the First Couple of the United States flew to Chicago for dinner at a local restaurant on Saturday night, apparently in honor of some sort of national holiday from staying at home and hoarding money.

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

Venus and Serena Williams Pretend Not to Enjoy Happy Streaker

Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

The Crazy Baby Lady, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, gave her first interview to NBC's Ann Curry yesterday (we wonder how much she got paid for that!). The interview won't air for a few days, but at least now we know why she felt so compelled to have fourteen babies, as a single mother, by age 33. And we know what she looks like!

On how an only child ended up with 14 children: “That was always a dream of mine, to have a large family, a huge family, and– I just longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up. I was lacking a feeling of self and identity. I didn’t feel as though, when I was a child, I had much control of my environment. I felt powerless. And that gave me a sense of predictability. Reflecting back on my childhood, I know it wasn’t functional. It was pretty— pretty dysfunctional, and whose isn’t? ”

On how long before she first got pregnant: “Well, I went through about seven years of trying. And– through artificial insemination. And through medication. And all of which was unsuccessful. And then the first—IVF procedure from that—from that facility—it was successful. And then I just kept going in.”

Um, yeah. We're no psychiatrists, but we're fairly certain she now very officially qualifies as a crazy baby lady.

[Faded Youth: THE MOTHER OF OCTUPLETS TALKS]

Related:

Crazy Baby Lady Puts Crazy Cat Ladies to Shame

Crazy Baby Lady Skips Welfare, Goes Straight to TV

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Crazy Baby Lady Skips Welfare, Goes Straight to TV

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 20:09:00 GMT

We'd be bragging about calling this one last week, but you'd have to be an idiot not to think the mother of octuplets (plus another six) wasn't going to seek media deals to keep those kiddies fed. At first we thought she'd go for her own show on TLC, but apparently she knows she has blown Jon and Kate Plus 8 out of the water and is going straight to the media major leagues.

The Crazy Baby Lady, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, is seeking $2 million from media outlets and commercial endorsements. And though she's still recovering from carrying and giving birth two eight babies, she has plans to talk to Oprah and Diane Sawyer.

The 33-year-old's family admits she needs cash from media deals, which makes us wonder how the hell she paid for the in vitro fertilization in the first place. We hate to sound like our mom—she used to bitch about women having more babies so their welfare checks would increase—but DAY-UM, we hope Oprah pays someone else to take those babies away from her.

[Times of London: Octuplets’ mother wants Oprah to turn her into a $2m TV star]

Crazy Baby Lady Puts Crazy Cat Ladies to Shame