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Hey Everyone, Let's Join the Sex Party

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 17:20:00 GMT

In November, right after the American Presidential election, we brought you word of an emerging (but subsequently little-noticed) political party in Australia: The Sex Party. Here's what we said:

In response to "moral campaigners and prudish politicians," Australia's open-minded citizens have decided to strike back.
On Thursday, the Great Down Under will announce the only political news worth reporting on: the launch of the fortunately-named Australian Sex Party. And no, it's not that key-exchange game your Mom told you about.

This week, Canada got in on that action with its very own-- and rather different-- Sex Party...

Although they were resoundly defeated in yesterday's parliamentary elections-- as if anyone knew they would be on the ballot-- the Sex Party of British Columbia has only just begun to (fuck or) fight. They have launched a real publicity blitz that is gaining national and, ultimately, worldwide attention, starting with its catchy slogan: "Sex is good. Let's make it better!"

"We're not running to get elected. Obviously it's impossible, especially in a first-past-the-post system that discriminates against small parties," said John Ince, a Vancouver sex shop owner and leader of the Sex Party.
The party's platform touts the benefits of a healthy sex life for personal growth and the betterment of society.
It proposes revamping the provincial education program to gradually encourage students' sexual activity, whereby extensive sexual experimentation would precede first intercourse.
Teens would learn the basics of healthy and satisfying sexual liaisons, such as trust, emotional intimacy, relaxation and verbal communication. They would be offered courses in erotic massage, and taught not to discriminate against gays or lesbians.
Furthermore, the Sex Party would require that all public parks and beaches larger than one hectare (2.5 acres) be designated areas for nudists in a bid "to normalize all parts of the human body and de-stigmatize human sexual organs."

Can you imagine that ever passing here in the next 500 years? Central Park overrun by nudists-- meaning, besides that "nudists" who walk up to you and expose themselves? Never gonna happen... but stranger things have happened in Canada and we'd certainly vote for a Sex Party candidate if we could...

It promises to make it easier for the elderly living in long-term care facilities to have sex, for example, by instituting training for "specialized sexual care nurses."
"Other politicians don't want to discuss these kinds of issues. It's very scary to them," commented Scarlett Lake. The former exotic dancer who now owns an escort service is one of three Sex Party candidates in this election.
She proposes changing Victoria Day, a statutory holiday in Canada that celebrates the birthday of Queen Victoria, who reigned during an era of prudery in Britain, to "Eros Day" for the Greek mythological god of lust and intercourse.

"Specialized sexual care nurses" as part of its platform... ex-strippers/escort Madams-turned candidates... making Victoria Day the Crazy Lust and Greek Sex Orgy day... all that is bound to garner a few token votes. Unfortunately, for now, that's all they're likely to get...

This photo of John Ince, the group's founder, is just begging for a "Caption This."

Via AFP.

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Boobs Pull Double Breasted (Burger) Ad

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 18:30:00 GMT

The Australian fast food chain called Nando's has offended the nation's sensibilities once again with a demeaning ad that involves boobs, French fries, "funny accents," and boobs. There are also boobs.

A complaint that the ad encouraged discrimination against women was upheld, meaning that the ad - for the “Classic Double Breast Burger” has been pulled.

ASB CEO Fiona Jolly said: “While the Board recognised the intended humour, it also considered a significant proportion of the community would be offended and find there was an element of sexuality and objectification of women that was concerning.”

In Nando’s submission, the company claimed it had behaved with “sensitivity to the relevant audience”. It added: “As a company, we are very proud of our irreverent brand nature.”

Nice try, sexist pigs, you are hereby banned. Or: your ad is banned. Or: you get more publicity for being banned than any stupid fast food ad in which someone's boobs play a prominent role ever could have done for your chicken sandwich special.

Here is the ad that is no longer in question, due to the almighty Advertising Standards Bureau, aka the Bureau, n. "a chest" of "drawers":

What do you think? Harmless, hilarious, hideous?

Via mUmbrella.

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Miss Australia Contestant Under Fire For Being Too Thin

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 15:26:00 GMT

The Miss Universe pageant isn't for another four months, but it's already causing the usual controversy.

This time, the uproar is over a contestant who didn't even win her country's top prize, with media and observers complaining that she should have never been allowed to participate in the first place, thanks to her weight...

Stephanie Naumoska, who is 19, was defeated by Robin Finch, who is much healthier looking. But the story didn't die with the end of Australia's portion of the competition-- many are wondering why a 5' 11" model weighing 108 pounds was allowed to compete in the first place...

[A] spectator at the event at the Hilton Hotel commented: 'Side on, if you didn't look carefully enough, you could miss her - she was that thin.'

Dieticians urged the Sydney model to seek urgent medical attention because she was dangerously underweight.
And dietician Melanie McGrice said: "There does appear to be significant muscle wasting on the upper arm and legs, and individuals with a healthy BMI do not have such protruding bones."

But Ms Naumoska, who did not win the contest, has rejected the criticism, saying: "I think it is very unfair that I have been criticised that I'm too skinny."

Unfair? They wanted to take you to a hospital-- that means you're too skinny, without a doubt.

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"I have never been anorexic or bulimic I don't throw up my meals after I eat them I don't starve myself, none of that. I eat six to eight healthy meals a day.'"
The Sydney teenager added: "I'm here to defend the skinny people. I have been modelling since I was 13 and have a lot of friends who are really tall and skinny.

"It is just the way that our bodies are", she told TV show A Current Affair.

Six to eight "healthy" meals per day, girl? "A peanut" does not count as a meal, sorry. Let's look at the photo evidence:

Believe us when we say the winner isn't much healthier...

Via Daily Mail and Sky [right-click to open in a new window.]

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Male Australian Writer Believes Most Women Are Socially Inept, Crass, Not Bangable

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

We love how this male writer cites a female Emily Post wannabe in ripping up Australia's women, presumably after having been dumped by a wild party girl like the ones he attacks so ruthlessly.

Then again, we don't disagree with a few of his points about the "fairer sex."

If the evidence screened on a recent popular reality television show [don't say The Hills - Ed.] is to be believed then certain young, modern, Australian women are not only completely lacking in good manners but they are also foul-mouthed, loud and uncultured.

All of that is true of all English-speaking people in this day and age, the men included.

it's interesting to look at just how far the modern woman – regardless of age, race, status or income – has sunk in her attempt to "live in a man's world."

This all kinds of awful-- perhaps one of our readers can take this line to task, especially that last snarky remark... we don't have the patience.

Many Australian women are now socially inept, particularly when it comes to manners – from the businesswoman who orders the hotel concierge to get them a cab "quick smart" to the moody shop assistant who rolls her eyes when asked for help and then turns to the next assistant and announces that she cannot wait to knock off.

What about the businessman who orders up a hooker from Craig's List and then complains to her madame that she makes him wear a condom? What about the dudes who feel no qualms about hitting on a woman sitting at the bar when her boyfriend goes to the bathroom? What about the moody male video store clerk who rolls his eyes when you ask what came out this week? What if-- well, you get the point.

Then comes a line (the first one here) that we agree with 100%:

A Brisbane businessman recently revealed that, when he opened a door for two professional women exiting an office, he received no acknowledgement only to have a glass door slammed in his face after following them out. Many men are now becoming reluctant to open doors for women because they merely get "huffed" at and pushed aside.

Women almost never-- I should do a social experiment, but I would guess it's one out of ten, tops-- thank us or even acknowledge us holding the door for them. And we don't mean we stop for more than two seconds to hold the door-- it's not like we're standing there expectantly. We just know that they're a few steps back and will have to deal with the door swinging back in their faces if we don't stop to hold it. We do the same thing for anyone, regardless of gender or any other quality of the person(s) behind us. But men always mutter a casual but polite thank you-- I'm guessing at least eight or nine out of every ten.

Not cool, ladies. And another thing:

Women in the 40 to 60-year-old age bracket regard footpaths, aisles and malls as theirs alone. Put two or three of these women together and everyone must make way for them. In their world nothing comes between them and their conversation, certainly not manners or respect.

We disagree with this statement, if only because our experience is with strollers in Brooklyn and the side-by-side lineup of those monsters, each of which is wider than a motorcycle with a sidecar. Author Ian Wallace would likely agree if he lived in New York. Meanwhile, he cites June-Dally Watkins, the Emily Post type we cited, as saying good manners is an important character trait for all women. We say it's important in everyone.

Read his full story here.

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While You Were Sleeping: Teen Faces Prison For Having An Abortion

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:25:00 GMT

A 27-year-old woman is upset that a 63-year-old man has threatened to post nude photos of her on the internet.

Mia Farrow plans to go on a hunger strike to raise awareness of the crisis in Darfur.

This Wal-Mart employee may be the dumbest person alive: he stole a whole bunch of merchandise from the store, then advertised the items as "for sale" on the break room bulletin board.

A Supreme Court ruling from yesterday means police officers may not be able to search your car without a warrant.

A 19-year-old in Australia faces up to 14 years in prison for having an abortion. Of course, it's more complicated than that...

Researchers may have discovered that lice can prevent asthma.

This video proves there is such a thing as too much money in a political campaign.

This genius is in college, double majoring, and maintaining a 3.83 GPA. And he's 12.

And Miss California claims she knew as soon as she answered that gay marriage question that she would lose the competition.

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Crystal Renn: Big and Beautiful in Australian 'Bazaar'

Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 21:49:00 GMT

Crystal Renn is turning heads this month. And not just because she's a plus-sized model appearing in the pages of Australian Harper's Bazaar. It's because editors let her stay that way for their May issue. Unlike stateside fashion magazines like Vogue—whose editors pride themselves for featuring bigger girls and then Photoshop their curves away like they did with songstress and Scanner crush Adele—Aussie's Bazaar left Renn seemingly Photoshop free. And we like it.

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[Source]

Nude Sunbathing Under Attack Worldwide

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:49:00 GMT

You would think that, given the state of the world economy, people would become more willing to relax their stubborn attitudes on issues more likely to stimulate the economy, from marijuana to gay marriage to nude sunbathing.

But not in this case. From North Carolina in the United States to Perth in Australia, nudity is under attack by male Puritans-- and yes, they are almost always males...

First, in Bird Island, North Carolina, a man with a wife and children complained to authorities about having had to "endure" topless sunbathers. Those authorities responded immediately and issued a press release reminding everyone that they can't let their wangs flap in the breeze... or something.

Brunswick County officials say they will come up with a sign banning nudity on the beach. County commissioners say Bird Island is not a registered nude beach and that full exposure is against state law. [News 14]

Ah. Notice they said "full exposure is against state law"-- is North Carolina one of those crazy left-wing states that supports the right of women to show their nipples? Try it some time, dear readers, and let us know how that goes.

Meanwhile, in Australia, a recent survey found that 33% of the country is against topless sunbathing. And here we thought Australia was more open minded. Even those who thought they should be "tolerated" were kind of whiny about it:

...anti-nudists [said] they "didn’t want to see it all hang out". totaltravel.com global marketing manager Paul Fisher said the survey showed that Australians are tolerant of nudity.

However, he said a number of respondents who agreed to have more nudist beaches in Australia called for appropriate signage.

“While a leading proportion of voters agreed that a little bit of flesh never hurt anyone, a few did comment that if more nude beaches were introduced there would have to be appropriate signage to alert families or children to what kind of beach it was,” Mr Fisher said.
“Some also called for nude beaches to be secluded and away from beaches where families congregated." [News.com.au]

C'mon, people, we can do better than that...

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What Country Has The Most Women Wearing DD Bras?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:10:00 GMT

We're betting you were going to guess "the United States of America" right off the bat. Don't.

According to a variety of sources, the average bra in the US is a B Cup, more specifically a 34B. (In a widely circulated survey in 2005, Americans were found to be wearing more B cups than C cups, 44% to 28%, and more A cups than D cups, 15% to 10%.)

If you were going to say the United Kingdom has the most double D's, guess again...

The winner of our unofficial and unscientific survey is... Australia!

Up to 40 per cent of Australian women now buy bras with a cup size of DD or higher, new figures from lingerie suppliers show.

In the 1950s, the most common bra-cup size was a B - three sizes less than a DD.

Modern breasts are getting so large that some bra companies have introduced cup sizes as high as K, The Sunday Telegraphreports.
...sales of DD-plus bras have grown from about 20 per cent of sales to 28 per cent in just five years.

The best line of the whole story explains that boobs are growing because of The Pill and artificial hormones... but, of course, because of obesity, as well. If that's the case, we have to wonder why the World's Fattest Country hasn't enlarged its average cup size.

Meanwhile, a local surgeon says his breast reduction schedule has doubled in recent years.

"There's no question that because the population is bigger their breasts are bigger as well, because it's all fatty tissue.

"As women get older the amount of fatty tissue increases, and also the proportion of fat increases."

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This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:59:00 GMT

Is Republican hypocrite Newt Gingrich practicing "gay fascism?"

The Freedom to Marry bill, which would finally bring same-sex marriage to Vermont, was greenlit by the legislature and will likely pass. However, it faces a veto from the state's Governor.

Newsweek asks: "Is gay the new black?" We ask, "What took you so long, Newsweek?"

eHarmony "comes out of the closet" to announce their new gay matchmaking service, Compatible Partners.

Kanye West asks us to never question his manhood. No, the other manhood, silly.

An Australian Catholic priest has been banished from the church for blessing gay couples.

We mentioned in an earlier post that Bruno has received an NC-17 rating after its initial showing at the MPAA. Here's why:

Ratings officials are reportedly concerned over several sexually explicit scenes, including one where Cohen's character engages in what appears to be anal sex with another man. Confirming the rating, a spokesperson for movie studio Universal adds, "On its first submission the film did not receive an R (less restrictive rating), but it is far too early to say that there is any struggle to get there as the process is only at its inception."

As we already knew, the scientific community pretty much unanimously agrees the "ex-gay" thing is fake:

The American Medical Association stated, "Most of the emotional disturbance experienced by gay men and lesbians around their sexual identity is ... due more to a sense of alienation in an unaccepting environment. For this reason, aversion therapy ... is no longer recommended."

The American Academy of Pediatrics warned, "Therapy directed at specifically changing sexual orientation is contraindicated, since it can provoke guilt and anxiety while having little or no potential for achieving changes in orientation."

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Funny Last Names Like Wang On The Rise

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:23:00 GMT

Here's a headline we can all appreciate: "Name shame causes Cock shrinkage but Wang is on the rise."

Normally, a story like that never tops its opening lines, but there are a few glorious quips in here...

A comparison of the 2008 population - using data from a variety of sources - with the first census in 1881 shows that the number of Cocks has shrunk by 75 per cent, while the number of people called Balls... has fallen by more than 50 per cent.

David Hey, author of Family Names and Family History, said that ridiculous names were often more harmless than they appeared. "'Bottom' names were from farms at the bottom of a valley. In the Middle Ages `daft' meant meek. It was a perfectly acceptable name."

So, wangs are on the rise, cocks are shrinking, and balls are hanging at the lower end. Makes sense, sorta.

From the comment section of the Australian, which becomes a word association game featuring places and names of the bathroom-humor variety:

-Being a Hater, I was always teased as a child. Moving to Australia meant I had to call myself Oswald instead of Ozzie for obvious reasons. People still wind me up a bit - but I think it's made me a stronger person.
-Heard of a guy named Bill Stinks, who got teased and laughed at all his young life until he learned in high school that he could change his name by deed poll once he turned 21 years of age. After another 8 years of humilation Bill turned up at the deed poll office right on opening to change his name. He is now called Robert.
-My Grandmother's surname was Winterbottom which got her the nickname 'Frosty Bum.' I'm glad I didn't inherit that surname.

Our parents had a friend called Becky Butts. Our first reaction upon learning this: "And we thought we hated high school."

-Were you aware that in the middle of the last century there were two law firms in Britain that were named respectively 'Glass, Cock and Balls" and "Phibbs and Lyes".

No, but we have retained their services from time to time.

-Try the place names in Britain: I once worked at Braintree, and I once drove past Crinkley Bottom on the way to Cockshoot.

Via the Australian.

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This Week in Gayness: Fred Phelps Attacks London

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:01:00 GMT

Australia is regressing into the past more and more every day: in addition to proposing a block on all terrorism-related websites (what, they don't have journalists in that country?), they want to block a lot of gay content.

John Kerry wants to reunite a gay couple. The Massachusetts Senator asked Attorney General Eric Holder to bring back a deported Brazilian man who was raped in his home country. A federal judge had said the rape was basically no big deal and he faced no danger in South America.

Rascal Flatts is telling people their new single, "Love Who You Love," has a pro-gay message.

A London elementary school has been teaching students that it's okay to have homosexual feelings and relationships. The best part of this is that when parents pull their kids from the school to avoid them hearing the lessons, the kids are marked truant. Of course, Fred Phelps heard about this and is bringing the Westboro Baptist Church over there to mess with them.

A federal judge ordered the state of Louisiana to put the names of both adopted fathers on a baby's birth certificate.

Chuck Schumer has finally come out... to back same-sex marriage.

And meanwhile, the Vermont Senate turned their gay civil unions into gay marriages. Woo-hoo!

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Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:37:00 GMT

Is this beer offensive, stupid, or stupid and offensive? Or so harmless and "charming" it's worth drinkin'?

Not safe for work photo below... if you can spot it.

This so-called "low carb" Australian beer has just been released to a salivating media market. The three dudes involved in its creation claim their "healthy" brew will take the country's drinking scene by storm...

...thanks to their nudity gimmick, of course. As the drinker consumes their beer, the "Skinny Blonde's" bikini gradually disappears, revealing her boobers. Interestingly, their website almost never mentions the concept:

100% Preservative Free
Skinny Blonde contains no preservatives, chemical additives or animal products whatsoever so its OK for vegans.
100% Australian
Unlike most beers brewed in Australia Skinny Blonde is 100% Australian owned and operated.
100% Beer
Skinny Blonde is 5.2% alc/vol, low-carb and as tasty as its name sake.

But the Times does.

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World Naked Bike Ride Takes Over the Southern Hemisphere

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:02:00 GMT

On Saturday afternoon, naked people took to their bicycles all over the Southern Hemisphere to protest the "indecent exposure" caused by carbon emissions. We're all for this campaign...

Above photos from Newcastle. Top photo from Sao Paulo.

The World Naked Bike Ride 2009 kicked off its first wave of protests in cities like Melbourne, Buenos Aires, Cape Town, and Lima. The Northern Hemisphere events are scheduled for June 13th and already include Krakow, L.A., London, Seattle, Amsterdam, Montreal, New Orleans, and many other major cities.

Perhaps the funniest photo of the day is this one, which doesn't even involve nudity. Check out that sexy pink bike!

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Wacko Right-Wing Politician Hit With Nude Photo Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:02:00 GMT

Pauline Hanson has railed against an "Asian invasion" in Australia, been to jail for electoral fraud, appeared on Dancing With the Stars, and made a strong political comeback, all over the course of a relatively brief career.

Now, Hanson's bid "as an independent at the upcoming 2009 Queensland state election" may be in jeopardy after a series of nude and raunchy photos have surfaced...

When Hanson was 19, she posed for another teenager who she fell for thanks to his awesome Harley Davidson motorcycle. At least, that's what her now ex-boyfriend told the Australian papers that originally published these photos. At some point, he convinced her to pose for his camera:

Unfortunately, these censored pics are the only ones released by the media.

Two things: one, this girl looks older than 19 and two, how can we be sure this is her? Hanson denies it, flat out, although that's the obvious talking point for a right-wing politician. The publisher of the original photos claims that his paper did "a very, very extensive checking process which... involves stripping out colours, looking at the pixel count in images. These images are not doctored. They are not fakes, it's not her head stuck on somebody else's body."

While the model may be entirely human, how do we know the model is Pauline Hanson?

Australia's major political parties could care less-- they were in unanimous agreement that the photos will not affect this weekend's election...

Read more about this story here.

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This Guy Thought It Was OK To Sign Stepdaughter To Sex Contract

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 16:51:00 GMT

An Australian man has been sentenced to a mere eight years in prison for molesting his stepdaughter, who consented to be his love slave in a signed contract. The contract, which is totally illegal, of course, is just one of several bizarre twists in this agonizing, widely-publicized trial.

For starters, her mother was well aware of the goings-on...

The girl's mother, who, like the others involved in this case, remains unidentified, was sentenced to a mere six months in prison for encouraging the sixteen-year-old daughter to have a baby with the mother's own husband. The contract, which was partly her idea, called for the daughter to keep all the "baby bonuses," whatever those are. ("Having to wake up in the middle of the night all the time," "having to give birth to your stepfather's child and drop out of school"-- something along those lines?)

The woman talked her way out of a harsher sentence by claiming that she only wanted to have another child and because her two children have Hirschsprung's disease, the lovely couple decided to the sixteen-year-old girl should carry the kid. (Have these people ever heard of adoption or surrogate motherhood or sexual abuse laws?) The mother may or may not have known the real truth: that her husband had been molesting the girl since she was 12, which throws his whole pathetic argument out the window.

PS The contract at the top of this post is unrelated to the case, but you should really click on it for the larger pic.

You can read more about the conclusion of the court case here.

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Way to F Up the Swingers Party, Dude

Colleen Kane — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 18:37:00 GMT

A tourist caused a mini riot at an "anything goes" adult sex party at an Australian nudist colony.

So how does one cause such outrage, if anything goes at this party...?

By refusing to get naked.

The monthly sex party was promoted to boost weak tourism to a resort that was once named the country's top group-sex hotspot for naked swingers.

Four naked women, uncomfortable with the way he was "eyeing them off," confronted the clothed man and demanded he drop trou, said the manager, Tony Fox.

"He then threatened to bash me, there was some argy-bargy and I ordered him off the premises and police were called."

Argy-bargy. Best new phrase of the day.

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We Heart Craig's Lists

Colleen Kane — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 22:01:00 GMT

Some jokester has been posting notices like this around Melbourne, Australia, signing them only as Craig.

Craig, whoever you are, we thank you, because these are freaking funny.

And, my favorite of all:

Thanks also to bff ecs, who lives in the future in Australia, for sharing these.

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So You Think You Can Dance... Topless?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:14:00 GMT

So You Think You Can Dance? is a hit around the world, even though not one person has ever admitted to watching it. So, to stir up some interest in the Australia version's second series (a.k.a. "season"), contestant Penny Higgs decided to pose topless for an online magazine.

Surprisingly, her producers didn't have a problem with it...

According to local news source Adelaide Now, Higgs posed for the photos over a year ago and, remarkably enough, the producers were actually cool with it. (By the way, we're surprised not because we disagree but because you almost never hear about "reasonable" reality show producers.)

While producers were unaware of the photographs until contacted by Confidential, a spokesman later determined they were 12 months old.

"We would have been concerned if she'd done it without telling us but they're old shots," he said.

Penny Higgs is favored by some to win the self-promotion competition, with host and #1 recording artist Natalie Bassingthwaighte the major competition to become the show's breakout star.

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Russell Crowe's New Leading Lady Not Quite a BBW

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Last month, Sienna Miller left the cast of the Ridley Scott directed Robin Hood remake amid rumors that her co-star Russell Crowe needed an older, larger actress to make him not look so, um, bad. Apparently Miller was just too young and thin. So what old bag did they find to replace her?

Only one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, Cate Blanchett.

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[Image]

Man Catches His Meat in a Meat Grinder

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 18:19:00 GMT

A 23-year-old Australian man injured his penis in a meat grinder.

Now, the obvious question here would be, "Why was his penis in a meat grinder?" But that answer was not provided in the news item, and there probably isn't a satisfying answer to that question anyway.

That's all the Brisbane Times reported about this accident, other than the following disturbing detail (NSF Lunch-eating).

"Paramedics who treated the man at the scene were able to stem the bleeding."

Of course there must have been blood when a living body part met a meat grinder, but now we've pictured the scene with the paramedics and the blood everywhere and oh, vomit.

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In Which A Koala Bear Steals Our Hearts

Ina Maier — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:17:00 GMT

You may or may not be familiar with this little lady. but she's basically become the face of the wildfires in Australia. Her name is Sam, and she was found hobbling along with really badly burned paws and desperately dehydrated. Which is why this kindly firefighter man stopped to give her some water and a helping hand. But the story doesn't end there, it ends after the jump, where there are really cute photos and a very happy ending.

Sam has found a happy home with Collen Wood from Southern Ash Wildlife Shelter, where her tiny tootsies have been carefully bandaged, though her second-degree burns will take seven to eight months to heal.

In the meantime, Sam has found herself a boyfriend in Bob, another rescued koala. According to Colleen, "'They keep putting their arms around each other and giving each other hugs. They really have made friends."

Sammy and Bob...sitting in a tree...

Sorry. We couldn't help ourselves.

[via]

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Group Sex Goes Terribly Wrong

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:29:00 GMT

In July of 2007, Steven Bartley and his lady friend took two men home from a local bar. They smoked some drugs, and Bartley supposedly passed out while is partner gave one of the other men head. When the third man, Steven Jones, tried to join in the fun, however, the woman got upset and woke Bartley, who then ordered the men to leave.

But when Jones refused ("I’m not leaving until I have sex with your missus."), Bartley decided he'd just throw him out. Literally.

After 15 minutes of arguing and a phone call to police, Bartley said “he lost it” and shoved Jones over the balcony. Jones landed on his head and was treated for a fractured skull and hematoma at an area hospital.

Bartley received two and a half years in prison, with his sentence to be suspended after six months.

[APP: Group-sex partner tossed over balcony for refusing to leave orgy]

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Is That A Pigeon In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Us?

Ina Maier — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 21:20:00 GMT

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. And sometimes we like to throw in a funny headline and a hundred extra words for good measure. This is one of those times.

According to the AP, these legs belong to an Australian traveler who was caught with two live pigeons (and a little something else!) stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East...

The 23-year-old man was searched after authorities discovered two eggs in a vitamin container in his luggage, said Richard Janeczko, national investigations manager for the Customs Service
They found the pigeons wrapped in padded envelopes and held to each of the man's legs with a pair of tights, according to a statement released by the agency.

But that's not all! [Cue Law & Order-esque detective music.] They also found seeds in his money belt (the pigeons need to eat, man!) and...

...an undeclared eggplant.

It's official. This Australian aubergine and avian animal smuggler has rendered us speechless.

[via]

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Venus and Serena Williams Pretend Not to Enjoy Happy Streaker

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:11:00 GMT

Venus and Serena Williams were taking a break from mopping the courts with their opponents at the Australian Open on Friday when... oh Jesus...

Here's some grainy, soundless video footage of the streaker who embarrassed security by getting right up in the personal space of the two tennis superstars. The man's junk appears to be censored, but really, the quality is so atrocious you wouldn't know the difference.)

Tennis hotties are frequent victims of dudes who should stick to posting dick pics on Craig's List for gratification. The most memorable ones are depicted in these news photos, from 2006 and 2000, respectively, and both are believed to have been during Anna Kournikova matches:

Don't miss the facial expressions on, well, just about everyone in the crowd...

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Sloppy Seconds: Sarah Palin's Next Move

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 23:41:00 GMT

Memo to morons: setting someone's lawn on fire is not a "prank."

What kind of person tells her daughter she doesn't love her, then makes the girl pose for a photo for an article about how unloved she is?

The rumors are flying about why Caroline Kennedy is out of contention for the Senate seat.

Here's the resume help we all sorely needed.

Katy Perry on that whole celibacy vow thing: "I'd rather die!"

A guy is suing his ex-wife over having funded their daughter's life. The problem? DNA tests have proved the ex-wife was impregnated by another man.

And you thought your landlord's a shithead.

Cate Blanchett is so well-respected in her native Australia that she's going to get her own postage stamp.

And Sarah Palin appears to have hired a lawyer in preparation for a major book and or television deal. GO AWAY.

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Today's Topless PETA Roundup

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 16:22:00 GMT

The fact that these topless PETA roadshows are getting fewer and fewer press hits might mean the animal rights group-- which, incidentally, euthanizes 90% of the animals in its care on an annual basis-- is on its last legs...

(Speaking of legs, don't ya kind of wish the girl on he right, whose name is apparently Virginia Fort, was the one half-naked and writhing on the ground? There's a lame and possibly offensive joke about her having a fortified "virgine," a la Borat, but we're too in love with her right now to bother.)

These ladies got in trouble with the law yesterday in Greenville, South Carolina when they should have been at home, worshiping President Obama. Then again, we're pretty sure they didn't get led away in cuffs, so score one for free speech.

On the other side of the world, Sydney, Australia today again proved that it remains PETA's #1 city for naked protesting, with this rather more effective campaign equating carnivorism with, well, cannibalism.

Top two photos via yesterday's Greenville, SC Online-- more here. Sydney photos via Flickr.

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Famous Girl Trying To Find Guy Who Lost His Jacket? Total Fraud

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 18:18:00 GMT

For the last week or so, the whole of the internet has been trying to determine whether this YouTube video and series of news stories is real or staged by an attention-seeking "actress." Here's how we figured out the truth...

In order to avoid giving this woman and her annoying clothing designer's viral marketing campaign any added publicity, we'll refrain from a few of the details. A Sydney Morning Herald story from the other day claimed the 24-year-old met a guy at a cafe, hit it off with him, didn't get his number, and later noticed his jacket had been left behind. She took the jacket home with her and left a "Lost and Found" note with a waiter, who is quoted in the article as saying she is "genuine," as if there was some sort of question about her tale's legitimacy already. The national media picked up the tale of love at first sight and the blogs were linking to her website, which she had turned into an ad for herself, but for this anonymous guy's enjoyment only. She posed in his jacket and made sure we all saw her underwear... and the coat's supposedly top-notch lining.

Then, this:

1) She knows just enough about the guy that it sounds like a full description, but it sounds like a full description written by someone trying to make up a generic, imaginary dude. For example, for this Sydney Morning Herald story, she couldn't describe his face whatsoever, but she knows he was wearing jeans, a white shirt, and black shoes. He's "six foot tall, toned, and hot"? That could be anyone.

2) In the above video, she never mentions the name of the cafe she found the jacket in. That right there tells you with absolute certainty that she's a fake... or an idiot.

Other bloggers are beginning to weigh in on this-- insisting that this is another obnoxious viral marketing campaign. Aren't there laws against this kind of thing? When advertisers started putting subliminal messages in movies and other media, governments passed laws to stop the practice; maybe they should ban the same thing-- "false news reporting as advertising" or something? "Internet video advertising without proper identification?"

In any case, the woman has since taken down her very obvious website, which depicted her posing provocatively in the jacket, making sure that the jacket looked even better she did in her underwear.

Here's the original article.

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Naked Man Banned From Playing with His (Bowling) Balls

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 16:49:00 GMT

"Mr Forrest said it was nice to hear he had a measure of support. 'I think the six months is a bit stiff, but I knew there'd be consequences,' he said."

There's an interesting postscript to this otherwise predictable story about an Australian bowling alley regular who is banned from patronizing the establishment for six months after running naked across the lanes after a night of heavy boozing...

Oddly enough, and perhaps because the indomitable Mr. Forrest has a huge pin of his own, but for some reason, the women interviewed for the story about his banishment all disagree with the ban-- including the women who witnessed his streak. Here's one quote from a Northern Territory News piece:

A member - who didn't want to give her name - said the six-month ban was "ridiculous".
"I just thought it was hilarious.
"He's got a great body and a great personality ... full of life - there's too many sour people nowadays."
The member admitted she was annoyed she had missed the Full Monty moment.

You gotta wonder what she would've said if he had the body of, say, a professional bowler from Tennessee...

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Happy Ending To This Naked Man's Prank

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:41:00 GMT

ABOVE: Unrelated photo for illustrative purposes.

Two drunk young Australian men stood outside a cafe, daring each other to strip and saunter into the late-night takeout place as if nothing were amiss.

Before one of them decided to walk in, he enlisted the aid of a passerby to make sure the moment was captured for historical history...

Luckily, 23-year-old Steven Bastick agreed to partake in the Jackass-inspired experiment and snapped the below photo for the world's continuing amusement. But the best part of all, and our entire reason for sharing this, is the quote he's been handing out to the endless stream of reporters ringing him up, describing the reaction the naked man received from the lone cashier:

"The lady was just smiling," he said.

"It didn't bother her at all...."

We have to wonder if she was grinning because he was naked or because of the one "bit" of information we're unable to ascertain from this photo...

Via this link and this link.

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Unemployed? How About Applying For the Best Job in the World?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 15:16:00 GMT

If we told you that there was a job that involved feeding fish, looking hot on a beach, and shooting the breeze on a casual and entirely trivial blog, and that the job was available and pays a hundred grand for a mere six months of "work," and that job was on the Islands of the Great Barrier Reef, how many rival applicants would you personally bump off to have a better chance of landing it?

Seriously, though, this job is even more awesome than getting paid $10,000 a week to post nipple slips...

Between NPR coverage, Weird News stories, and the website's constantly-crashing home page, we were able to cull a top ten list of reasons to apply for the temporary position:

1) It pays $100,000 a year.

2-10) Holy Christ-- a $100,000 to lounge about in a bathing suit! That's better than having a sugar mama/daddy...

That's no exaggeration-- your job would be to show potential tourists how freakin' awesome the Great Barrier Reef is and to lure travelers from all over the world via your lavish and ridiculously enjoyable lifestyle. Of course, the fine print here isn't the fact that you are a 24/7 spokesperson/model for an island, it's the insanely fierce competition to even be noticed for an interview in the first place...

"I guess we expected there'd be a certain percentage of nutters and nudies,"

A woman in Greece promises - via a scroll of words across the screen - to wash all of Australia's laundry and even clean up up after the kangaroos.

Another video shows a woman standing on a street belting out an original song. Some applicants simply stare at the camera and beg.

On Thursday, a team of 10 people - whom, Hayes noted, were starting to look "pretty nervous" - were sifting through the 2,000 video applications the department had already received, with tens of thousands more expected before the Feb. 22 deadline. [Weird News]

Still want to wade into this (cess?)pool? Click here to read more about the position and to apply... assuming the site hasn't crashed again from all the desperate jobseekers...

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