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Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Michael Phelps appears to be content to vanish into a haze of canned beer stink and vaporized marijuana in the city of Baltimore, Maryland.

Today, one of his sex partners (we hesitate to use the term "ex-girlfriend," since the only real date they had was a "special value meal" together at Taco Bell), a stripper named Theresa White (we're guessing the 25-year-old Latin bombshell is using an alias) spoke with News of the World about the orgies, drugs, junk food, and best of all, the three-hour marathon sex sessions with the Olympian...

Her scandalous allegations about the multiple-gold winner include:

-she actually picked him up one night when they were drunk at her strip club. She staggered over and asked him if he wanted to take anyone in the club home with him and he said "you" and pointed to two other girls. Eventually, a threesome was arranged, apparently Phelps' first. It's good to be the King Stoner.

-Phelps spends all his money in (illegal?) online gambling rooms, where he hopes to one day become a champion, his new goal in life

-never took her out on a real date, unless you count Taco Bell, which we believe 100%

-hates Spaniards

-had sex with her for more than three hours and "should be given a gold medal for lovemaking," according to White, who also offhandedly mentions she has 34D boobs

-okay, we made up the Spaniards one

-has a harem of at least five or six women he considers "easy lays" in the Baltimore area

-has a major chewing tobacco habit and his house smells like ass-- and not the good kind

Phelps, it's time to clean up your act. There will be many more women angry with you and willing to soil the public image you cherish so deeply...

Via News of the World.

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Manny Ramirez Takes Performance Enhancing Drugs...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 21:35:00 GMT

...the other kind.

LA Dodger superslugger Manny Ramirez has been banned from playing in the team's next 50 Major League Baseball games after he was found to have ingested a legal substance under the advice of his doctor. The drug? We'll give you one guess as to what it's for...

Ramirez released the following statement Thursday morning: “Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.

A Major League baseball official said that if Ramirez had a legitimate need for a drug on the banned list, he could have applied for a therapeutic exemption. Ramirez, the official said, did not ask for one.

Have you figured out what dumbass, who is expected to lose out on something insane like $7-8 million dollars for this error in judgment, took to help himself out?

...two sources said the substance Ramirez tested positive for was a gonadotropin. Major League baseball’s list of banned substances includes the gonadotropins LH and HCG, which are most commonly used by women as fertility drugs. They also can be used to trigger testosterone production. Testosterone is depleted by steroid use, and low testosterone can cause erectile dysfunction.

“Testosterone and similar drugs are effective for erectile dysfunction in that they jazz up your sex drive,” said Charles Yesalis, a professor at Penn State who has testified before Congress on issues of performance-enhancing drugs. “But far more clinicians accept that affect with Viagra and Cialis. It’s hard for me to understand if it was erectile dysfunction why they would use it.”

So, let me get this straight: Viagra and Cialis are not banned by the MLB, so he used a substance that was? Dude, it wasn't worth it for the extra testosterone-- blood flow from ED drugs would've been a wiser move. Too late now.

Via Yahoo! Sports.

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Even Shoe Companies Want in On the Nude Ad Bandwagon

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 16:02:00 GMT

The Oregonian, rapidly becoming the preeminent source of nudity news in the Pacific Northwest, alerted us to a new Nike campaign that involves butt-naked runners.

Butt naked, of course, except for their Nike Free running shoes, which are, of course, very far from "free..."

Apparently, everyone is on nikerunning.com watching the video, so we don't have it for you, but it goes something like this: a bunch of people run around naked (except for the stupid product they're supposed to be promoting, of course) at Bear Butte Training Camp. Now, where's my drum hit?

Some are very fit extras; the rest, Nike-sponsored athletes who train in Oregon. [Ed. note: Although the ad was filmed in California, where runners say the heat made stripping off their workout clothes no big deal at all.]

Holding a strategically placed guitar, U.S. 5,000-meter champion Lauren Fleshman discusses the Bear lifestyle. Nick Symmonds, a national 800-meter champion, bends to lace his shoes and gushes, "If you want to be a super-natural runner, you've got to train like one."

So, in other words, Nike is encouraging people to streak in order to become sort of demon dasher, a "super-natural runner?" Well, that we would love to hear about from the Oregonian.

Nike

The Oregonian

And here's a video from The Remore Island of a pole vaulter who lost his Nike sponsorship and took to the streets naked... with only his pole.

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This Quack Says Intellectuals Are Dumb Daters

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 19:50:00 GMT

Dr. Alex Benzer, who, despite our headline and his photographic resemblance to Adnan Ghalib*, is a respected, Harvard-educated doctor and probably knows more about dating than most of us. After all, he's actually dated a few people... and some kook thought, in this increasingly anti-book culture, to put out a couple of books by him-- for profit! If that's not endorsement enough of his ideas and you'll seek dating advice from some other genius, we're pretty sure Dr. Phil is still on the air, weekdays...

Benzer claims his recent book The Tao of Dating was specifically written for the most brilliant minds of our time, i.e. anyone regularly visits sites like Nerve and the Huffington Post, where his post appeared. In an epic story there, Doc Benzer heads a series of paragraphs with his bite-sized advice tidbits:

1. Smart people spent more time on achievements than on relationships when growing up.

Well, you could also say, "Dumb jocks spent more time on athletic achievements than on relationships when growing up." Anyway, moving on...

2. Smart people feel that they're entitled to love because of their achievements.

See "jocks" above.

3. You don't feel like a fully-realized sexual being, and therefore don't act like one.

4. You're exceptionally talented at getting in the way of your own romantic success.

That seems like a stretch for the sake of reinforcing a weak argument...

5. By virtue (or vice) of being smart, you eliminate most of the planet's inhabitants as a dating prospect

The intellectuals we know are just as terrible at recognizing terrible mates in advance of involving themselves with those prospects as the, um, non-intellectuals we know...

Benzer says you have three choices:

A) Loosen up

B) Do a very thorough search all over the planet and be prepared to move to Duesseldorf OR

C) Join a monastery.

...before recommending choice A for surviving dating in these dumbed-down times. What do you think of his proposals, which you can read in complete here.

*Dudes, we gotta stop this chin-landing-strip thing. Now.

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This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:45:00 GMT

The vandalization of a gay youth center on Long Island is being investigated as a possible hate crime.

Fleshbot has TV's hottest girl-on-girl makeout moments.

Cops are cruising dudes at New York City sex shops. The undercovers are entrapping them for prostitution charges by mentioning that they will pay for sex, then waiting approximately two seconds before other cops jump the gay guys and arrest them.

A junkie is whining that gays adopted her kids.

Is it time to boycott Fedex?

Gay marriage is legal in Canada, but even that didn't stop a Manitoba doctor for refusing to even treat lesbians.

Meanwhile, in another part of Canada, an interesting decision on sperm donors.

ESPN produced an ad starring Shaquille O'Neal that will blow your mind, once you realize it was made in the 21st century.

And new Illinois Governor Patrick Quinn keeps looking better and better: turns out he's a big fan of the gays.

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More Naked Rugby Dudes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 20:20:00 GMT

Powerade is celebrating its new official sponsorship of the Rugby Football Union by featuring three buck naked stars in their latest ads.

The players, Paul Sackey, Steve Borthwick and Shane Williams, are seen from the back in positions of "action"-- and, unfortunately, it's not that kind of "action."

(By the way, the actual ads are banner ads of these photos, with the word "Powerade" on the right side. Nothing special other than the pics.)

As you know, we've been following the recent trend of blatant nudity to sell unrelated products, which have mostly featured female porn stars so far. This is one of the few we've spotted in which naked dudes are the featured attraction...

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Venus and Serena Williams Pretend Not to Enjoy Happy Streaker

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:11:00 GMT

Venus and Serena Williams were taking a break from mopping the courts with their opponents at the Australian Open on Friday when... oh Jesus...

Here's some grainy, soundless video footage of the streaker who embarrassed security by getting right up in the personal space of the two tennis superstars. The man's junk appears to be censored, but really, the quality is so atrocious you wouldn't know the difference.)

Tennis hotties are frequent victims of dudes who should stick to posting dick pics on Craig's List for gratification. The most memorable ones are depicted in these news photos, from 2006 and 2000, respectively, and both are believed to have been during Anna Kournikova matches:

Don't miss the facial expressions on, well, just about everyone in the crowd...

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This Week In Gayness: The Coming Out TV Series

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 20:15:00 GMT

Sioux City, Iowa decided not to vote on gay marriage because they're not sure they have the authority to do so. We wish Prop 8 supporters had realized the same thing.

Arizona can't even decide whether it wants to support equal judicial representation of gay people.

Headline of the week: "How gay are Philly athletes?" Answer: very.

The State Department has find an interesting way to stop gay marriage...

I've now seen a couple of different reports (here and now here) about how same-sex couples who legally change their names on their marriage certificates are unable to get the State Department to recognize that name change on the couple's passports. In these cases, the State Department takes the position that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) prevents the government from recognizing a name change effected in conjunction with a same-sex marriage. Nonetheless, the State Department will recognize the name change if the couple takes the separate (and completely unnecessary) step of going to court to get a judicial name change or if the new name is used publicly and exclusively for a period of at least five years (and you can document such use).

Showtime is producing a reality show called Coming Out, which is, you guessed it, about people who come out to their bizarrely-clueless families.

New Jersey may have marriage equality in the near future.

"Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality." - Jon Stewart

Melissa Etheridge and Elisabeth Hasselbeck got into a fight about gay marriage on The View.

And another dumb kid wore a pro-Prop 8 shrit to school.

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While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Wants To Be Used... For Her Brain

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

The guy who ate the last mango in Paris passed away in Key West. (By the way, to get the song out of your head, listen to it here.)

See, raising a public stink does send the right message sometimes: a baby born in India to a surrogate mother was allowed to leave with her Japanese father, even though the law says her mother was supposed to accompany here.

Guess who helped Ryan Reynolds at the New York City Marathon? And no, it wasn't Scarlett Johansson...

"(During the race) I thought a lot about my father [who had Parkinson's] and Michael and the 500,000 other people afflicted with this awful disease in the United States alone. I ran for those who can't...

"When I saw Michael J. Fox on Fifth Avenue, I gained about 15 pounds in goose bumps. It kind of pushed me through the last six miles or so."

It's possible a man with the last name of Kennedy could have just set George W. Bush's public disgrace in motion...

A judge has ordered the Justice Department to produce White House memos that provide the legal basis for the Bush administration's post-Sept. 11 warrantless wiretapping program.
U.S. District Judge Henry Kennedy Jr. signed an order Friday requiring the department to produce the memos by the White House legal counsel's office by Nov. 17. He said he will review the memos in private to determine if any information can be released publicly without violating attorney-client privilege or jeopardizing national security.

Kennedy issued his order in response to lawsuits by civil liberties groups in 2005 after news reports disclosed the wiretapping.

Paris Hilton says men used her for sex. That's just not true, dear, we love you for your brilliant intellect.

Circuit City is going to close more than 150 stores, rumor has it.

The more we hear about Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno movie, the better it sounds. Check out where he ended up yesterday. By the way, the above photo is of Governor Ahnuld getting accosted by Bruno and the Bruno film crew: some say it was staged for the film, which is entirely possible, although Schwarzenneger has not made a cameo in years. We, however, want to remind you that the Governor of California could never act well enough to make the above, very-convincing "distress face" on cue...

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Naked Women of Curling... 2008!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 18:26:00 GMT

Can you believe it's been three years since photographer Ana Arce founded the Women of Curling calendar and caused millions around the world to sit up and exclaim, "Wait, what the hell is curling again?"

Now Arce is back, with what, based on these exclusive snaps, promises to be her best year ever...

First, we present you the photographer herself, who is a Spanish curler and may have been our Crush of the Week if that alleged hacker hadn't stolen Scanner Emily's heart...

...followed by a few favorites from the past and present calendars...

On the safe for work end, we particularly enjoy this mermaid... and less sfw, this tree dweller.

You can check out all of the models at Arce's page announcing the calendar. Her press release states that the 2009 fundraiser edition, entitled Fire On Ice, is available now via Curling News... and, best of all, it's a whopping 36 months long...

All photos by Ana Arce.

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NFL Player Accidentally Posts Photo Of His Penis On His Blog

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Above, is a photo Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley posted on his blog, minus about 2%, which we've cropped out...

What's missing from this pic, now that it's only 98% of the original? The same thing that's missing from all photoblogs...

We were alerted to Cooley's public humiliation when he posted the following note on his website yesterday afternoon, under the title "We're Dumb." (Way to go, Chris, trying to make it look like it could've been someone else's dingaling by using the term "we.")

All apologies from the website. We are very sorry that we showed a penis on our website all day yesterday. That was by no means our intention and we did not want to offend anyone. The picture wouldn't have been up for so long, but we were in the middle of winning a big game. Once again, this was a complete accident and we regret not reviewing the post more closely. Thanks.

Cooley, we know it was you. You poor, poor bastard... although congrats on that big win!

All bloggers take heed: if you're naked and taking pictures or video, this could be you. (Not that we want you to stop...)

Via Chris Cooley. Photos via various hackers.

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Next Up For Michael Phelps: Television Stardom

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:11:00 GMT

This post was written by guest blogger Sean Flanagan.

Michael Phelps, the soon-to-be super rich record-breaking Olympian, is trying to expand his global fame by becoming affiliated with MTV award ceremonies and Saturday Night Live...

Oh wait, he's an athlete and may not be able to act. When will Lorne Michaels, that silly Canadian, learn his lesson?

How many athletes – or politicians while we're at it - can you have on your show (let alone giving them the season priemere!) before you realize that they cannot carry a show?

Lorne's show is, let's face it, in the dumps. The 90s were glorious, the 00’s not so much. You went from a cast that every major featured player went on to be twenty-million-dollar-a-movie stars to a cast where the talented people have been brushed aside in favor of Andy Samberg and recurring characters that weren’t funny the first time around.

Michael Jordan
Nancy Kerrigan
Tom Brady
Peyton Manning
Jonny Moseley
Derek Jeter (though he was kinda good-- see above photo)

Let the Olympian be on a box of cereal, cut a few ribbons, do 20/20 soft focus lens takes with Babawawa and fade into the record books. Meanwhile, SNL needs to bounce back in a serious way this season and find a way to achieve relevance again after having long since lost Tina Fey to become TV's hottest geek on 30 Rock...

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Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:08:00 GMT

Under the guise of posting about eighteen-year-old Olympian powerhouse Natasia Liukin (above), The Improper and Egotastic are both asking for it when they leak these Miley Cyrus-esque poses of jailbait gold medalist Shawn Johnson wearing a bikini and prancing about...

Well, they're basically asking for a lot of pervs to find their pages via Google image search, while the rest of us just say, Hey, there's nothing wrong with celebrating the female form in its finest, most triumphant glory, but we'll wait another couple of years and, in the meantime, stick to drooling over Victoria Pendleton...

Meanwhile, Johnson, who won a gold a set of silvers, is apparently such a huge celebrity now, the pilot on her recent flight from Chicago to New York had to be taken to the hospital after bumping his head from excitement when he heard she was on a plane. Thousands in her home state of Iowa turned out to see a glimpse of her, as if she were all four Beatles rolled into one.

We're sure to be seeing more of these types of candids leaking out... which will only add to her fame, of course.

Related:

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German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Sloppy Seconds: More Naughty Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked

While You Were Sleeping: The Madonna-Guy Ritchie Separation

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 12:43:00 GMT

A teacher in Tennessee was fired by her school board, even after charges of child molestation were proven false, while a teacher in Georgia was arrested for stalking his underage girlfriend/ex-student by text.

Oh, and one more: a 26-year-old teacher in South Carolina was arrested for getting her students drunk after hours.

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are now Mrs. and Mrs. Speaking of celebrity couplings, Hillary Duff refuses to be overshadowed by Lindsay Lohan and the rest of the young starlets...

Actress/singer Hillary Duff has sparked rumors she's taking her relationship with hockey star Mike Comrie to the next level, after she was photographed wearing a ring on her wedding finger.

Young evangelicals are not the hardliners their folks were, at least not when it comes to sexual politics.

The Top 10 places to nude up in Australia, as chosen by The Age.

A Belgian man reported his wife missing following a game of (naked) hide-and-seek in the woods.

James Franco researched his role as a New Orleans pro by hooking up with streetwalkers in Los Angeles.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie separated in 2003, according to the co-author of the singer's brothers new expose. The couple soon reunited and, says the star, are not breaking up... for the last time, okay?

Sloppy Seconds: More Naughty Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 20:20:00 GMT

It's nice to see Donald Trump doing something selfless, especially if it involves buying property and still somehow being selfless about it.

The troops give to Obama over McCain by a six-to-one ratio. We're thinking it might have something to do with that whole "100 years in Iraq" thing.

Kate Winslet says having sex with Leonardo DiCaprio in their new movie was "weird..." Perhaps because her husband was watching her:

But is was during a love scene that Winslet suddenly felt uncomfortable having her husband directing the picture.
She says, "I just kept saying, 'This is too... weird.' And Leo was like, 'Oh, get over it.' And I'm going, 'Yeah, a little reminder: You're my best friend. He's my husband. This is a bit weird.'
"I hadn't realised how much my chemistry with him since Titanic would still stick. It's great to discover we can just slip right into it, like muscle memory."

Is the next Harry Potter movie, now delayed all the way to July, going to bomb?

Frank Sinatra, stud to the end: his one shared kiss with Kate Moss sent the model wobbling, to the point where she had to take a seat.

Miley Cyrus can't get rid of this blogger/hacker who is spreading these photos of the star in her underwear all over the web.

And Leryn Franco and Victoria Pendleton shed their cothes to get a little more attention. Just a bit more.

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German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 14:30:00 GMT

With seemingly every other female Olympian posing topless for one cause or another, four German athletes decided hey, what the hell, why not get something out of this whole crazy Beijing thing?

Unfortunately, not all four appear together. According to featured field hockey player Katharina Scholz (pictured above), their schedules did not allow them to time it so they could pose on the same day. But Scholz is willing to speak on behalf of the whole fabulous foursome when she says, following her team's victory over the United States yesterday (ah, we forgive you):

"I think now I have to play hockey and later talk about things like [Playboy]. I think it's a good opportunity but it's not important for me for now...

"The most important thing for me is playing hockey. And because I am playing hockey, I got the opportunity to go on Playboy. Otherwise I wouldn't. I have no plans on a career in modelling."

The September issue of Playboy's German edition will feature four covers, each featuring one of the following photos:

You know what first comes to our minds when we saw these: Can an atrocious MTV reality show be far behind? They really do look like a cross between Desperate Housewives At 24 and The Real World: Dresden...

Via Playboy (Germany) and National Nine News.

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The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part Two)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 18:29:00 GMT

Did you catch our hottest women of the Summer Olympics list? Here's part two... the guys...

By the way, we are going to go with almost all American athletes for this one just because it's been harder to find hot athlete dudes on the internet unless you can Google in other languages...

Andrew Campbell for Sailing:

Andrew Rosenthal, Volleyball

Brian McBride, Soccer

Raj Bhavsar, Gymnastics

And Alexander Despatie, the Canadian and world champion diver...

Via Cosmo and our own dirty minds. We welcome your suggestions for replacements or additions to this list in the comments...

See Previous: The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part One: The Females)

The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part One)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:59:00 GMT

Naaaah... Maria Sharapova's too obvious a choice, but enjoy this photo anyway

NBC wants you to have Olympic fever... after all, how many hundred million dollars have they spent just for the rights to telecast the games?

By that rationale, they'll need to keep people hooked... and there's nothing that'll hook an American audience like drooling over the world's finest athletic specimens...

First, the Females:

Until just the other day, Ana Ivanovic was the number one ranked women's tennis player in the world. Forget Sharapova, man...

Katerina Emmons from Czech Republic: Because there's nothing hotter than a woman with a sniper rifle.

Kelly Sotherton from Great Britain. She nabbed a Bronze in Athens and Jackie Joyner-Kersee sees her as a heavy favorite to win gold this time. We just want to marry her and seize the throne at Buckingham. (Maybe because she reminds us a little bit of Carla Bruni.)

Jenny Adams from the US. The 100m master did an FHM shoot, so we'll root for her on that alone (although we don't read FHM or anything... really.)

Stephanie Rice from Australia. Going through a well-publicized breakup has got to be a major distraction on the eve of the Beijing Games, but swimmer Stephanie is the world record holder in the 200 meter individual medley and should perform strong here.

Continued in Part Two: The Male Candidates.

Several pics via Webtv.

Kick-Ass Stranded Hiker Uses Bra To Save Her Own Life

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 15:22:00 GMT

Last week, a woman used an undergarment to injure her eye (somehow.) Now we're hearing that on Thursday, a Colorado woman hiking in the Bavarian alps, injured in a fall and trapped on a ledge, got the attention of police and rescuers using her bra.

Jessica Bruinsma (pictued above... or not), currently training for a marathon, was hiking in Germany when she fell onto a ledge, injuring her leg and dislocating her shoulder. Luckily, miraculously, there was a supply box containing water on the ledge and Bruinsma was able to keep herself alive for seventy hours. At some point, she realized the nearby presence of a line used by the local timber company. Unfortunately, the line was out of service-- but that didn't stop Jessica. She attached her bra to it...

...the cable was only within reach because the timber transport system was out of service.
When a repairman restored the line on Thursday, the cable car started moving up the mountain and Bruinsma's bra reached the worker at the base. He knew of the missing hiker and immediately called police.

Make all the jokes you want about a 20-something female using her bra to signal German lumberjacks, but we'll just sit back in mute awe at Bruinsma's brilliance and resourcefulness. We expect this won't be the last we hear of her...

Via Weird News.

Video of the Day: The World's Greatest Slip 'N Slide

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 17:58:00 GMT

When was the last time you saw professional athletes laughing and enjoying themselves, putting on a real show for the fans that has nothing to do with how many home runs their muscles have earned them or how much better than Michael Jordan they think they are? (Yeah, we mean you, Kobe Bryant.)

Over the weekend, the Texas Rangers faced the New York Mets at Shea Stadium, which is soon to be demolished. Unfortunately, the game, much like our Saturday and Sunday, got washed away. Thankfully, some Rangers players gave the long-suffering fans a treat when they turned the tarp-covered field into their very own gigantic slip 'n slide.

Sure, this is a trivial video and you only need to watch about thirty seconds to fully appreciate the story, but remember this: the notorious New York fans, in a rare display of national unity, actually chanted "Let's go, Rangers" as the players carried out their entertainment. Kinda warms the heart, doesn't it?

Roger Clemens Has A Rocket In His Pocket

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 01 May 2008 21:20:00 GMT

We're supposed to be on vacation this week, but there are too many scandals to ignore. Roger Clemens has been a party to two-- count 'em, TWO!-- in the past 72 hours alone.

According to several major media outlets, beginning with the New York Daily News, Clemens had an affair with golfer John Daly's ex-wife, apparently sometime about ten years ago. The man is like Bill Clinton on ecstasy-- he's just having a great ol' time cheating on his wife at every opportunity.

And let's not forget the highlights from the Clemens-future awful reality show star Mindy McCready story:

1) McCready, a country singer who has been to jail twice in the last few years and is a notorious heavy drinker, began sleeping with Clemens-- allegedly, we are made to say-- at the age of 15.

2) Other sources say they only "went to a hotel together" when she was fifteen and that the relationship began much later, after McCready became a country star. Yeah, we don't buy that either. "Maybe he 'misremembered' what he was doing in those hotel rooms," jokes a reader of USA Today, referring to the infamous and ill-advised testimony Clemens gave to Congress recently.

3) Clemens may have tried to buy McCready's silence with a cool $25,000. Or he could've been, as his spokesperson says, just been "trying to help her out with her legal issues." More like his legal issues-- after all, he's the one who's suing his former personal trainer and righthand man for "defamation of character." Keeping Mindy quiet keeps his case from falling apart in court.

4) McCready's only statement: "I cannot refute anything in the story," which roughly translates to the English words "hell yes."

Via the Chicago Tribune.

Crush of the Week: Double Amputee Athletes and Their Fancy Prosthetics

Bryan Christian — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 21:37:00 GMT

All right, let's get one thing out of the way: we totally agree with the the International Association of Athletics Federations. No one wearing $15,000 anythings should be allowed to use them in competition at the Olympics. We seem to remember something about the Olympics being for amateurs, and somehow we don't feel like cybernetically enhanced supersapiens really count. What's next? Wolverine in the UFC?

However, you're not here to read about the ethical complexities of international sports competitions, are you? No. So. Let's get to what really matters: how freaking hot are athletes wearing the carbon-fiber prosthetics known as Cheetahs? And check it, South African sprinter Oscar Pistorius -- who really does have the driving grace of a cheetah when he runs, except with slightly less of a chance that he'll devour you -- isn't even the first athlete we've been unable to keep our eyes off of because of their hardware. Perhaps fans of video artist Matthew Barney will remember the ravishing Aimee Mullins from her appearance as "the only pretty thing in Cremaster 3"? Or maybe from her stint as an Alexander McQueen model? We fell hard for her and her synthetic gams in one of the many photoshoots she did for Esquire, Dazed and Confused, and ID a few years back, and we've still got some of her clippings in our locker at home. (Yes, we have a locker at home.)

But you know, the coolest thing about Oscar and Aimee isn't that they're attractive or anything. It's that they put the standard dynamic between amputees and "normal" people into a total 180. As in: we love our feet and all, but goddamned if we wouldn't love to know what it's like to run in a pair of those.

And for that, they are our Crush of the Week.

At Least He's Not Doing Steroids.

April Peveteaux — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 23:00:00 GMT

After the swift, classy and believable denials from Tony Parker and Eva Longoria yesterday, we thought this whole thing might be over before it started. But not so fast deniers, some new text messages have shown up on X17 that could be evidence that Tony was slutting it up in P-town.

We’re not saying it’s true, but come on people, the French aren’t exactly known to poo-poo the extramarital fun times and it’s not like we don’t know of another idolized, beautiful TV star who got the short end of the Pitt. But the most convincing argument for Tony being a dog are some words from the wise, Tionna, “I think it's sad that your boyfriend is a cheater but as you know, he is an athlete and that is what comes with the territory (as some would like to say).” Some do say that, Tionna. Some do.