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Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Topless Problem

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 21:39:00 GMT

PETA is now protesting seal clubbing... in World of Warcraft.

We don't think this is the same story about a man having his penis bitten off (by another man!) that we told you about already. In this story, the attacker... swallowed.

Samantha Ronson has asked for a restraining order against Lindsay Lohan.

Great, we already own all these damn Beatles albums. Does that mean we'll get the remastered ones for free?

Man, some people will do anything for web traffic. Here's a really ridiculous Down Shirt (the new Upskirt?) on Taylor Swift. Good Lord, she's only 18, people...

Members of Congress met with Raul Castro in Havana today.

A guy who works for Focus on the Family in Colorado has been arrested for talking dirty with a 15-year-old girl, who was actually undercover cops.

The Bush shoe thrower's sentenced has been reduced and he'll be out of jail next year.

And Amy Winehouse went streaking "through a hotel after being told to cover up." Guests were shocked to see her racing by them in the nude, but they shouldn't have been surprised unless they didn't know she was staying there.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

While You Were Sleeping: Diablo Cody's Super Porno Limo Rides

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

At Least Amy Winehouse Has Good Taste in Underwear

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Milking It

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Spanking Judge Is Going To Have A Rough Ride in Prison...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:25:00 GMT

An Alabama gent named Herman Thomas, known in the national news as "The Spanking Judge," was finally charged on Friday with a whopping 57 counts, including extortion, sodomy, kidnapping, and a host of ethics violations. Several hours later, Thomas was out on bond and told to have no contact with young people.

So... how did ex-Judge Herman Thomas get his nickname?

According to various source, Thomas is accused of bringing prisoners from jail to a storage closet next to his office for "paddling sessions." (What, they weren't good enough to be paddled in judge's chambers?) How he got away with that once, let alone multiple times, is beyond us. After all, inmates will sue if their soup is so much as lukewarm one afternoon-- you'd think they would've all filed multimillion dollar civil suits by now.

On top of that, Thomas is accused of trading sex for lighter sentences to violent felons...

We began digging through court documents, one of Thomas's alleged victims was tried and convicted of robbery. Records show instead of locking him up, Thomas gave him probation. Then, that same man was arrested for burglary. Thomas tossed that case out just weeks before it went to trial. That man is now back in jail, accused of murder. Thomas joined him behind bars this afternoon. [MSNBC]
Thomas resigned from the bench in October 2007 amid allegations that he manipulated a jail sentence for his cousin, swapped cases on other judges dockets, and paddled prisoners from Mobile Metro Jail. [WKRG]
[N]umerous individuals... claim Thomas used his position as judge to coerce them for sexual activity, or would punish them for denying such activity. Kulakowski’s investigation also uncovered individuals who claim Thomas engaged them in illegal drug trade and actively used his office to protect drug dealers working with him. [Lagniappe Mobile]

Now we understand why Thomas's bail terms bar him from having any contact with men under the age of 21... and it also sort of explains the paddling.

Here's the full, 57-count indictment.

While You Were Sleeping: The Top Models Brawl

Update on the High School Cheerleader on Stripper Pole / Party Dad Scandal

Barack Obama's "Gay Sex Scandal" Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Florida Teacher Says, "Oh, THAT Student I Molested In 1983... He Was 16, It Was Okay"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:46:00 GMT

Sorry, Wanda Smith of Orlando, Florida, it turns out the kid was only 11... and the fact that you videotaped him while you two had sex isn't going to help your case, either...

Here's the Cliff's Notes version of the Orlando Sentinel story about Smith's arrest:

In 2005, Smith's stepson discovered a decades-old video depicting Wanda's sexual battery of a boy who may or may not have been underage. Smith and her ex-husband would not fully cooperate with the police, claiming it was an undetermined male they had once employed, and so the investigation stalled.

It would have remained unresolved if not for a chance encounter-- a woman dropping her son off at school realized Smith was still teaching there. Having been told of the sexual abuse by the now-grown man, who had been her ex-boyfriend, the unidentified mom ratted Smith out to the cops, who interviewed the alleged victim and learned that the boy had indeed been videotaped by Smith while the two had sex. He had been in sixth grade detention when the assaults began. According to the poor guy, Smith molested him for years afterward.

Smith denies these allegations, stating that the boy was at least sixteen at the time. However, that didn't stop the 57-year-old from retiring immediately after the school launched an investigation into her alleged lifestyle...

While You Were Sleeping: Adam Sandler Loses

Boy Suspended From School For Having Sex... Guess What Happened to His Partner?

Teens Identified In Robbery After Mom Walks By

Today's Cradle-Robbing Cutie: Drama Teacher Lisa Glide

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 21:24:00 GMT

'Tis the season for stories of teachers sleeping with high school students, apparently.

35-year-old New Jersey drama teacher Lisa "Astro?" Glide was taken in by the cops yesterday following revelations she had a continuing sexual relationship with one of her students, a seventeen-year-old who has long since graduated. If these charges stick, she could face up to twenty years in prison...

Here are some comments we've seen on various news sites discussing this case:

-Hey authorities, he’s a little hint - if the “victim” is older than 13, he is not really a victim. He’s the luckiest dude at school - especially when the supposed “sex offender” looks like she just walked off the Cowboys cheerleading squad.
-Yet ANOTHER female predator. You can bet she'll get off with a slap. If a man did this, he'd be put away forever.
-seriously.....does anyone believe a 17 year old boy be emotionaly harmed by this? This may sound like double standard/sexist but just wondering?

I'll be more harmed by this becoming public, especiallly if she was not that attractive.

I understand her responsibility as a teacher but he is 17....
-Going back 5 yrs when I was 17 and if my teacher looked as good I would definately do her. A 17yr old male definately knows what he is doing. The teacher shouldnt be lawfully punished but definately fired and should seek a new career.

P.S. Good job lil man! Hope you scored an A++

Hey, 22-year-old dude: you'd be helping your case a whole more if you spelled "definitely" correctly when you say a 17-year-old "definately know what he is doing," since you sure as hell don't.

We post these stories all the time, but no one ever weighs in on whether these (FEMALE) teachers deserve punishment beyond an obvious firing. What do you think? If the now-eighteen-year-old guy consented and continued to consent throughout and testifies in her defense, what should her punishment be, if anything?

Related:

Droves of Students Coming Forward to Testify Against Skank Teacher

Teacher Arrested For Possession of Drugs, Terrible Goatee

9-Year-Old Boy Teaches You How To Pick Up Girls

Louisiana Teacher Gets Closer to Student By Sleeping with His Father

MySpace Actually Good For Something After All...

Mom Films Her Boyfriend Having Sex with Her 13-Year-Old Daughter

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 20:55:00 GMT

The Sun reports today on the case of a 46-year-old Perth, Australia mom (well, until they take the daughter away from her, of course) who allegedly videotaped a 29-year-old man having sex with the mom's thirteen-year-old daughter.

And the video might have stayed under wraps, had the man not blackmailed another woman, a victim of his internet stalking...

Cops allege the girl's mother was also involved in the video and will appear in court next week.
She faces 19 sex offence charges.
The man has appeared before magistrates accused of having sex with the 13-year-old and recording the acts.
The man has been charged with more than 150 counts of distributing child pornography and having sex with an underage girl and was granted bail today.

Good Lord, did some Billionaire put up an island as collateral? How the hell was his bail low enough that he was able to meet it? One hundred and fifty counts-- and this doesn't even include the stalking, it seems.

The crimes came to light when early last month police say they received a complaint from another woman who said she was being stalked on the internet.
Perth policeman Sgt Greg Lambert said: "An unknown person was sending her emails that contained naked pictures of herself in the shower."
"The woman was threatened that the pictures would be posted on the web if she reported the matter."

When the po-po dropped by the idiot perv's house to check his computer, they found his exploitative video and probably beat the shit out of him. At least, we hope they did... although, if not, we're sure his future inmates will know what to do with this creep.

Via the Sun and News.com.au.

Related:

Not To Be Outdone, Sunday School Teacher Gets In On The Jailbait Action

Republican Ex-Assemblyman, Tough On Sex Offenders, Busted For...

Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

Top 5 Sex Scenes From TV Shows

16 Year Old Boy Figures Out How To Rip Off Sex Offenders, Get Rich

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 15:09:00 GMT

A teenage boy in Sweden has it all figured out: he can make a quick killing ripping off online perverts utilizing the same methods cops use to bust predators: posing as a gateway to underage girls.

Except sometimes dumb people actually report him to the police...

1) The boy advertised the services of young women, who would pose for paying customers on webcams should the customers fork over their bank accounts and, for no apparent reason, their access codes. Unsurprisingly, there were plenty of idiots who actually agreed.

2) Here's the best part: the unnamed boy then decided to double-punk their punk asses, writing from a separate account that he was a police investigator and that there had been some suspicious, sex offense-related activity on each customer's account. The customer was then asked to once again hand over his (or her?) bank info-- again, with the access code-- so the "investigator" could check for nefarious activity. Why anyone at this point would not have learned to not hand over their info, we'll never understand. Why ever would anyone give someone they think is a cop, who e-mails them, their bank info so a cop can go and confirm that, yes, they have paid for underage girls to strip for them... well, that's just beyond us. (Perhaps they thought the girls were really 18? Even so: idiots.)

3) The boy makes off, this time, with about ten grand U.S. from his devoted fanbase.

4) We're not sure how it happened, but somebody must have tipped the police off, again risking their own arrest ("Hello, headquarters? Yeah, you're gonna love this... got a guy here who says he was trying to buy a subscription to a website that claims to have underage girls doing live peep shows. His money was taken by some kid who's laughing his ass off with me now. What do you wanna do with him? No, not that kid... the guy who got caught trying to watch underage strip shows?")

5) Anyway, the kid got 80 hours of community service even though he was convicted on ten counts of fraud. We're guessing the judge secretly wanted to just pat him on the back and turn him loose...

Via The Local.

Related:

Teenage Girl Gets 2 Month Sentence For False Rape Allegation

"This Is The City's Response To A Penis" One of Many Classic Moments From Nude Gallery Raid

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EXCLUSIVE: Toby Keith Worships Satan, Ted Nugent, And Lynch Mobs

"This Is The City's Response To A Penis" One of Many Classic Moments From Nude Gallery Raid

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 13:45:00 GMT

As Lou Reed would say, "My week beats your year!"

You'd have had a hard time finding a wilder good time on Friday than the opening night party of St. Petersburg, Florida's Erotic Lounge, which ended in arrests, tears, and a giant penis.

1) The police in St. Petersburg receive a call from a whiny, busybody neighbor regarding a giant penis statue that has been placed in front of the Erotic Lounge, an art gallery.

2) Police arrive and see that there is a penis sculpture, probably seven or eight feet tall, in front of the entrance. They ask the gallery owner to remove his schlong, he refuses, citing its artistic value. Invariably, the cops cannot think of a city ordinance or state law this dick violates, so they leave.

3) Like the sheriff chasing Burt Reynolds in "Smokey and the Bandit," the cops refuse to let a little legality get in the way of cleaning up Florida's increasingly conservative culture. They return later in the evening, with the party in full swing and see, through the glass doors, a nude man suspended from the ceiling in a harness. A sergeant tries to charge through the front door without a permit, the owner tries to block his way, gets tackled by other cops, and is instantly arrested.

4) The cops raid and shut down the party, telling everyone there was a liquor violation and asking to see IDs.

5) Meanwhile, the nude man who is deaf and possibly mentally retarded, does not understand what is going on. He is immediately arrested the "model," as the man called himself, for violating the city rule barring genitals from being in the same room with booze. While being cuffed, the nude man began to cry. "He'll be okay. Misdemeanor charge," an officer told one of the man's friends.

6) The police search turned up the following:

The walls of the gallery were covered in erotic images. One painting depicted Superman in underwear with an erect penis.
Attached to a bathroom door of cloth were signs reading: "Human petting zoo," "Tipping allowed & encouraged," and "Dare to explore." Police said they found a man in his underwear inside the bathroom but nothing illegal.

7) The cop who conducted the raid was interviewed afterwards and asked how he figured out in advance that the gallery was serving alcohol before he kicked the door in to get at the naked man. (In other words, what's your probable cause, since the fact that there was a naked man isn't enough?) His answer:

Collins said the police began an investigation Friday night after hearing that the gallery was displaying genitals while serving alcohol. He would not specify how they knew, saying he wouldn't reveal an investigative tactic.
But because the business has a liquor license, police have a right of entry and don't need probable cause to go inside, Collins said. [Then why didn't you say that first? Hmm... - Ed.]

8) Meanwhile, outside the front door, owner Bill Schramm was being taken into custody, saying:

"Oh, my God," said... Schramm, his glasses falling off in the scuffle. "This is the city's response to a penis. That's fabulous."

Florida: fabulous indeed. Read more, via the St. Petersburg Times.

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Magazine Fights Censorship With Nude Six-Year-Old Cover Girl

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Are All Florida Teachers Bonking Their Students?

Vito Fossella Promotes Family Values... Two Families At A Time

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:40:00 GMT

As we suspected, Vito Fossella is not the goody-two-shoes, family-values conservative, Dad of the Year winner the Republican Party made him out to be. The New York City Congressman, already the worst person in the world for bringing his best friend Dick Cheney to Brooklyn and Staten Island to fundraise for him, has outdone himself again.

And we thought Eliot Spitzer's was the ultimate hypocrite for going after whorehouses while himself visiting Ashley Alexandra Dupre in his spare time:

Representative Vito J. Fossella, the Staten Island Republican who was arrested on drunken-driving charges in Virginia last week, acknowledged on Thursday that he had fathered a daughter, now 3, in an extramarital affair. But he declined to address questions about his political future. [New York Times]

It keeps getting better: not only that, but Vito has been seen recently without his wedding ring. Dude-- you're a public official, people in the gossip community (i.e. the New York Post, Daily News, and Reuters) tend to notice shit like that. And if you're going to cheat on your wife (and kids-- that is, those kids you have with your current wife), please leave her at least the dignity to be able to end the marriage herself-- in other words, let her be the one to take her ring off first. Don't get all Rudy Guiliani on us and call a press conference announcing your divorce so she can learn about it from NY1 News.

Asshole.

Via The New York Daily News.

Amy Winehouse's Rampage

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 18:48:00 GMT

Amy was on the warpath again the other night, assaulting up to three people (that we know of), injuring herself and her reputation, and even inexplicably shouting for all to hear: "I am a legend, get these people out. I want to take drugs."

Her list of crimes, all according to a Yahoo! News summation.

1) She headbutted a total stranger whom she thought was trying to grope her shriveled boobs. Actually, dude, he was trying to hail you a cab. Not everybody is into 42 pound junkies, okay?

2) According to the Sun & the AP: "she allegedly punched a second person in the face before walking herself into a lamppost." Classic Marx Brothers material-- if the Marx Brothers were as dumb as Will Ferrell's last ten movies.

3) She was hanging out with, for much of the evening, Pete Doherty. Enough said.

4) And that's only the epilogue to the evening. Winehouse was barhopping earlier and slugged a male patron who refused to give up the billiards table:

"I feel so angry," musician Mustapha el Mounmi, who posed for the paper in his swollen-lipped glory, told the tabloid. "She smashed my face hard. I could not hit back—she's a woman."

5) One more PS, according to E!:

While Winehouse eventually made it home early Wednesday morning, she reportedly added one last insult to injury by stiffing her cab driver, refusing to pay any more than half of her fare.

Scanner Highs And Lows: You Take the Bad, We'll Take the Cannoli

Brian Fairbanks — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 01:39:00 GMT

We got into as much trouble as we could, whether we could get away with it or not...

Highs:

We found ourselves hypnotized by online dating. For, basically, the first time ever.

Our (inner) childhoods were re-staged.

Jessica Simpson is not procreating after all, thank God.

We watched people have sex. In the interest of science, of course.

David Cross finally got himself some tail.

A bunch of old people butchered our favorite "Sonic Youth" song. Huzzah!

Santorum Alley? Thanks, we kind of like it here on Manbone Ridge.

Between Gordon Ramsey and Bobby Flay, we picked Anthony Bourdain.

One of the Fugees found us worthy of his valuable time.

Lows:

We got arrested.

Even the Hulk couldn't get us laid.

We learned that Gawker spies are everywhere.

A "Sex and the City" actress had cancer.

We called B.S. on everything the Daily Mail's ever printed.

Barack Obama lost his shit.

Big Love Got Big, Big Time.

We learned that Chrissie Hynde's sex appeal applies to straight women, as well.

Somebody needs to learn that putting "service" in quotes like that is going to make people think you're offering happy endings.

Oklahoma Sheriff Makes Nazi Wardens Look Like Pansies

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:20:00 GMT

"Custer County Sheriff Mike Burgess resigned Wednesday just as state prosecutors filed 35 felony charges against him, including 14 counts of second-degree rape, seven counts of forcible oral sodomy and five counts of bribery by a public official."

This guy makes working for Halliburton sound suddenly much less frightening. The full story of his escapades, including "A Girls Gone Wild"-style boob-flashing competition...

1) Told one inmate he'd turn her over to the Federalies (George Carlin's least favorite word) if she did not let him do her.

2) Burgess received a blow job from a woman who wanted a cushy trustee gig in prison, then later fired her from the position after she wouldn't go downtown anymore.

3) "Burgess is accused of having sex with a female drug court participant who was in his custody. The crimes are to have occurred between October 2005 and April 2007." Why is this taking so long to come out? Oh, right, they're all snitches who want lighter sentences-- everyone's jumping on the Burgess-bashing bandwagon.

4) "The lawsuit, filed by 12 former inmates, alleges the sheriff's employees had them engage in wet T-shirt contests and offered cigarettes to those who would flash their breasts." We take that back-- Oklahoma's prison system is a way more place to work than Baghdad.

5) Burgess "faces two counts each of sexual battery, rape by instrumentation and subornation of perjury, and one count each of engaging in a pattern of criminal offenses, indecent exposure and kidnapping." He's looking at a maximum sentence of 467 years, although you know he won't last a year as someone's Bitch.

Via CBS News.

Previously: Calling Mr. Mosley...

Scanner Confessions: The First Time I Got Arrested

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:00:00 GMT

“Hey, guess where I am?”
“I dunno,” he said, pausing for effect, “Jail?”

I, Scanner Brian, decided to speak out after reading of Sheila's recent brush with the law on Gawker and, admittedly, mostly thanks to the recent story of the handcuffed burglary suspect who escaped custody by stealing a police car.

The story of my first arrest and night in jail is far less Bourne Supremacy than that, certainly compared to the time I avoided arrest in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi for driving stoned out of my mind while trying to find my mentor, Stephen Ambrose's vacation house at four o'clock in the morning... well, actually, you just heard that whole story.

Continued from the excerpt at the top, direct from the writing journal I had at 17:

“But aren’t your parents in Rhode Island?”
“Yeah, dickhead. Do me a favor, I can’t talk long, call Justin, tell him I’m in jail, make sure if I don’t call him tonight from home to come down with his attorney to the Manchester Courthouse tomorrow morning at nine-thirty, so we can discuss the case.”
“Hey, you shit! Stop being so selfish. I wanted to go see Return to Paradise tonight!” He laughed to show he was only joking… but I knew the truth.
“Hey, buddy?”
I ignored the stunning realization that my friend probably cared more about a screening of a bad Kate Beckinsale movie than my well-being. “What?”
“I’m sorry, dude.”
“Don’t worry, it’s my fault, I should have known better.”
“Couldn’t you have… Did you have a chance to get away?” 
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you? You had a car…”

He was right. I could've gotten away. I'd felt the tap on my shoulder the moment I stepped into the department store's music aisle. But I lost my cool as panic washed over me: my hands began to shake and my teeth chattered and the security guard squinted at me knowingly. He was blond, mid-thirties, in a light blue shirt, smiling politely and affecting an air of complete casualness but for the walkie-talkie clipped to his belt. “Excuse me. Did you just return a backpack?”

I said no and resumed shopping as if my illegally obtained store credit still existed. He went away. As soon as he rounded a clothing rack and headed toward the cashier, probably to ask her why she had pointed me out as the culprit, I barreled through the nearby emergency exit door. The alarm sounded behind me, but it felt like it was following me all the way out into the mammoth parking lot.

My face burning with Fear of the Blue Shirt Man, I raced toward my father's Plymouth like a madman, or more likely America's Most Laughable Criminal, pressing my baggy jeans to my waist to keep them from sliding down. In ten seconds flat, I was at the driver's side door with my key out, jamming it into the lock. Not looking back but feeling every second rush by, I screamed for the inanimate object to get into the proper fucking keyhole. “Come on! Come on! You piece of shit."

I heard his sneakers coming, slowing from a sprint to a cautious jog. “Hey,” he said, not even out of breath, “Where are you going?”

The other security guards were already blocking the car's exit from behind before I could get the key in the ignition. Blue Shirt Man squinted at me. I was seventeen-years-old, no more skillful than a dimestore hood, caught resisting arrest and trying to return a boatload of merchandise without actually purchasing it. And though they didn't know it yet, there were drugs in the car, under the passenger seat, just waiting for the cops to pick them up with a chuckle and a "lookee here." I turned back to Blue Shirt. Defeatedly, with all that I had left, I told him, "Fuck you. I'm seventeen, bitch."

And then I went to jail.

To Be Continued... in Part Two: The Cellmate...

Photo of the author at age 18 by Michael Edwards.

Hideous Mugshot Reveals Astonishing Depth of Mickey Rourke's Vanity

Bryan Christian — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 13:47:00 GMT

Is Mickey Rourke checking himself out in that mugshot on the right? How awesome is that? Mrs. Scanner Bryan refers to this once Adonis-like man as "Monkey Rourke," but right here he looks more like a wet cartoon rat -- and in either case, he's still thinking "Y'all better take a good picture of me!"

Well, since this is a legal matter, perhaps we should spell out the facts. Rourke, 51, was arrested by Miami police early Thursday morning after being pulled over on a scooter for making an illegal u-turn and subsequently failing a sobriety test. From the footage that we've seen, he also attempted to make an escape, caused a major accident, and was eventually shot dead. Don't believe us? Click through for our EXCLUSIVE TMZ-LIKE VIDEO!!!