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Iowa Politician Swears He Ordered the Massage Without the Happy Ending

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 19:54:00 GMT

A City Councilman in Council Bluffs, Iowa, is on trial this week after ordering up a "sensual massage" via Craigslist. It turned out the masseuse was a police informant and the cops raided the hotel room before the happy ending.

But check out the excuses Darren Bates offered on the stand yesterday: they're only making his situation more comical...

"If I’m getting a massage I’d rather it be a pretty woman rather than a man or a bigger woman," he said.

Bates described a "sensual massage" as one in which a woman would provide very light touching on his body, "mostly on the stomach, they sit on your back. Very light touches, with fingernails . . . it provides a tingling sensation."

The women who have performed "sensual massage" on him before wore shorts and tank tops or lingerie, he said.

Instead of a "sensual massage," Bates said he instead got public humiliation for something he said would draw more attention than any murder story in Omaha in the last 20 years.

What Bates doesn't understand, and what you should this weekend before heading over to craigslist.org in your respective areas, is that the police in this country are freaking out about Craig and his lists. The murder in Boston has them paying closer attention to the "casual encounters" and "erotic services" sections of each city's page. Be careful-- you could end up like this dumbass:

"You could just as easily go in and look for a hot young girl to rub you down?" Sedlak said.

"It’s next to impossible with my schedule. It’s easier to get on my phone," he said.

Bates testified that he went directly to erotic section of Craigslist when seeking a "masseuse."

Sedlak asked, "Erotic means of sexual nature right?"

"It means sexy," Bates said.

Bates testified that he didn’t tell the truth when he gave an interview to World-Herald columnist Michael Kelly. Bates said he told Kelly that he had never before sought a massage.

"You weren’t truthful with press back then?" asked prosecutor Shelly Sedlak.

"Correct," replied Bates.

His attorney, James Martin Davis, later asked Bates why he didn’t admit during the newspaper interview that he had received massages before.

"One, my wife was there," Bates said. "Two, the press completely obliterated everything we’d said. They’d print that and completely go crazy with it."

Via Omaha.com.

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 15:20:00 GMT

We were beginning to think he might actually get away with it: Drew Peterson was arrested yesterday and charged with the murder of his third wife.

John Mayer is playing a series of intimate concerts, featuring only his new material, for his staff.

Gotta love this guy: A bar owner lit up a cigarette at the Ohio health department as a protest over the bar smoking ban. Of course, to top it off, he threatened to have the department fined for allowing him to smoke.

Next on the block for porn parodies: 30 Rock!

Memo to hideous-looking billionaire divorcing Stephanie Seymour: it's all uphill from here.

Believe it or not, kids, pictured above is the cast of The Goonies. And yes, Chunk is the little bald man in back-- at least, that's what everyone says.

Rich Berliners complained about a local brothel, so judges "expected" it and found it to be "discreet." We're not making this up.

Kiefer Sutherland's California probation could be revoked because of his misdemeanor arrest in New York.

Dude, you were making a lot of money off of the Body World thing-- why did you have to go and show two dead people having sex?

And an ex-boyfriend of Deanna Hummel, the woman alleged to have had an affair with Jon Gosselin from the reality show we'd never heard of and think is desperate for some publicity, has released a sex tape of a woman he claims is Hummel. (Very NSFW link here.) At this point, we're guessing there was no affair and, even if there was, this sex tape looks fake.

Ex-Mayor in Michigan Arrested For Having Sex in the Street

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:42:00 GMT

Kim Capello, a 56-year-old man who used to be the Mayor pro term of Novi, just outside of Detroit, was arrested last month for indecent exposure.

While it's always news when a politician is arrested for whipping out his boner (Kim is currently the Oakland County Commissioner-- see above), there is more to this story than simple indecency...

On the morning of April 18th, police respond to a complaint about two people getting randy against a wall near a strip of bars and restaurants in town. Upon arriving, the cops found Capello and a 37-year-old woman having sex in the middle of the sidewalk, with pedestrians passing by and presumably fleeing in horror. It should also be noted that Capello is Republican family man-- he has been married for 21 years to his law partner wife, with whom he shares an office, according to the local news. The couple also have three kids.

Strangely enough, the woman has not been charged with any crime, while her lover faces up to three months in jail when he appears in court next month.

Via ClickOnDetroit.

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Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Fight

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:21:00 GMT

According to Jezebel, the love letter is dead but the breakup e-mail is strong with this generation.

Michelle Rodriguez from Lost flipped out at a wedding-- if you believe this nonsense story.

But what happens when the pants come off? Push-up underwear for men isn't expected to go over big with Croatian women.

The Craigslist Killer may have murdered to help cover his gambling debts. Dumbasses-- don't gamble what you don't have in your bank account or you'll end up like this guy.

If you have a sword and dress like a ninja and are attempting to commit robberies, a dry cleaner is probably low on your list of priorities.

While wife Amy suffered burns on her leg due to... um... "a cooking accident," Blake Fielder-Civil has demanded his lover allow him to take a paternity test.

A woman who works for Fox61 in Connecticut was arrested twice in three hours in the same neighborhood and by the same officer, both times for driving drunk.

The Seinfeld adult film spoof is real... and features the Porn Nazi.

And a 52-year-old stripper, enjoying her first day on the job, was stabbed in the eye by a jealous co-worker.

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Spanking Judge Is Going To Have A Rough Ride in Prison...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:25:00 GMT

An Alabama gent named Herman Thomas, known in the national news as "The Spanking Judge," was finally charged on Friday with a whopping 57 counts, including extortion, sodomy, kidnapping, and a host of ethics violations. Several hours later, Thomas was out on bond and told to have no contact with young people.

So... how did ex-Judge Herman Thomas get his nickname?

According to various source, Thomas is accused of bringing prisoners from jail to a storage closet next to his office for "paddling sessions." (What, they weren't good enough to be paddled in judge's chambers?) How he got away with that once, let alone multiple times, is beyond us. After all, inmates will sue if their soup is so much as lukewarm one afternoon-- you'd think they would've all filed multimillion dollar civil suits by now.

On top of that, Thomas is accused of trading sex for lighter sentences to violent felons...

We began digging through court documents, one of Thomas's alleged victims was tried and convicted of robbery. Records show instead of locking him up, Thomas gave him probation. Then, that same man was arrested for burglary. Thomas tossed that case out just weeks before it went to trial. That man is now back in jail, accused of murder. Thomas joined him behind bars this afternoon. [MSNBC]
Thomas resigned from the bench in October 2007 amid allegations that he manipulated a jail sentence for his cousin, swapped cases on other judges dockets, and paddled prisoners from Mobile Metro Jail. [WKRG]
[N]umerous individuals... claim Thomas used his position as judge to coerce them for sexual activity, or would punish them for denying such activity. Kulakowski’s investigation also uncovered individuals who claim Thomas engaged them in illegal drug trade and actively used his office to protect drug dealers working with him. [Lagniappe Mobile]

Now we understand why Thomas's bail terms bar him from having any contact with men under the age of 21... and it also sort of explains the paddling.

Here's the full, 57-count indictment.

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15-Year-Old Boy Arrested For Sex With 13-Year-Old Girl... Guess Who Doesn't Get Arrested?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 17:15:00 GMT

Arkansas, you have really been on our shit list this week.

First, we find out that you've banned atheists from running for public office, a policy that doesn't pass muster under the watch of the U.S. constitution. But you've never cared about equality, freedom of religion, and justice, have you?

Next, we learn that you arrested a fifteen-year-old boy for filming a "consensual sex act" with a thirteen-year-old female and slapped him (and the cameraboy) with Class-C felonies. What, pray tell, Arkansas, did you do with the thirteen-year-old girl?

Local news stations have given us the answer: the state of Arkansas is doing nothing with the thirteen-year-old girl. Of course, we don't mean to infer that anyone should be arrested in this case-- they are consenting teenagers, leave them alone-- but since both are underage, why not arrest both for corrupting a minor? Is thirteen too young to arrest in Arkansas for a sex crime? If that's true, why is fifteen old enough to send to juvie for the same act?

(The age of consent in Arkansas is 16, and the criminal code states that if the suspect is under 20, they may only be charged with a misdemeanor, if we're reading this right. Of course, they're charged with "employing or consenting to the use of a child in a sexual performance," which gets around the sex law thing a bit.)

In any case, the whole thing stinks. Why can't Arkansas get the big government they hate so much out of our private lives?

Read more here.

Photo via.

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14-Year-Old Girl Arrested for Sending a Text... and Not Even That Kind of Text...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 16:14:00 GMT

How the hell do you go from sitting in class, not paying attention to the teacher and typing a text message on your Cricket, to getting arrested?

According to various local news reports out of Pennsylvania, you do it by being a total brat. The unnamed fourteen-year-old girl in question was asked to stop texting in class and refused (hey, at least have the decency to lie and say you'll cut it out.) She continued to text right in front of the teacher, who finally had to call in the School Resource Officer.

The officer took the girl to the office of the Dean of Students, who asked the girl where the cell phone was. She shrugged and denied having a cell phone. (Commence eye rolling now.) The Dean eventually had to call the girl's parents... but the girl repeatedly gave him the wrong number. (Dude, don't you have records for these kinds of things? What if there'd been an emergency?) Finally, the police were called in to search the girl's person-- the phone was found down her pants, by her butt.

After all this, we guess they had no choice but to arrest her for disorderly conduct and suspended her for several days. If only they had a more serious charge-- what, they couldn't fake a cop punch and charge her for that? (Kidding.) Before you leap to her defense, know that she kept returning to the school to meet with friends over the next two days, even though she wasn't allowed to be there-- this time she was slapped with a trespassing charge.

Couldn't she have just sent a nude photo of herself like the rest of the girls so there'd be more to this story?

Read more here. Image via.

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Woman Leads Cops Right to Her Liaison with Previous Victim

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:49:00 GMT

Sheila Langman may not be the most intelligent person.

She was arrested in October for having sex with a fifteen-year-old boy, pled not guilty, and is awaiting trial. That isn't why she's an idiot. We find her guilty of that charge because she couldn't resist a little V-Day affair with the same kid, even though she knew the police were monitoring her every move...

According to the Northwest Florida Daily News:

Sheila Langman, 38, was under GPS monitoring, according to the Santa Rosa County Sheriff's Office. At about 7:40 p.m. Friday, investigators say their alarm went off because she was near the boy's home.

Deputies tracked her and pulled her over on Misty Meadow Lane - about a mile from her own house on Parker Lake Circle - where they say the boy was in her car.

After her initial arrest in October, a judge ordered Langman, a former cheerleading coach, not to have any unsupervised contact with minors. And a perimeter around the boy's home was an "exclusionary zone" she wasn't allowed to enter.

Langman was originally arrested after a complaint was made to the Department of Children and Families, not necessarily by a family member. Police and prosecutors allege the cheerleading coach and her young man engaged in sex on multiple occasions last summer.

Oh, and in case you think this is a very, very sexy story for some bizarre reason (well, after all, the kid got in the car with her again last week), you might want to avoid seeing this mugshot.

Via NWFDailyNews.

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Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

The Journal Times in Racine, Wisconsin ran a story today about a 39-year-old man who was busted for "performing a sex act" in a dumpster. Steven Marcsis, as the paper was too "family friendly" to make clear, was most likely masturbating. In the dumpster.

And it gets much, much weirder...

1) Marcsis was only found because he thought it might be a good idea to put the lid on the dumpster so no kids would see him jerking off in there. A police officer noticed that it was weird that the dumpster was closed and, remembering the string of recent burglaries at the school, thought someone might be hiding in there... whoops.

2) For some reason, Marcsis told the police officers he was the (proud?) owner of child porn, so the cops went to his house, which is actually his mother's home, and found the addresses and birth dates of hundreds of schoolgirls who had passed through the school's sports programs. Apparently, Romeo was going to look them all up when they turned 18, right? Oh, and that child porn is totally unrelated to the matter, as his attorney will surely argue...

3) This is the first case in ages where, instead of grandstanding and rushing through a trial that sees the nut sentenced to 100 years in solitary confinement, the court has ordered the accused to undergo a competency evaluation before deciding whether he should stand trial. Many a zealous judge and prosecutor forget that ol' saying from somewhere... "forgive them... for they know not what they do."

Via The Journal Times.

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Teacher Shows Girls His Dick... In Class

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 20:43:00 GMT

Unlike Sting, this young teacher was not the subject of schoolgirl fantasy.

Crazy Cat Dude Jason Beaudry, a math teacher at Chicopee Comprehensive High School in Massachusetts, has been arrested after a January incident in which he showed three teenage girls, all of them underage, a picture of his pet.

What's wrong with that? Oh, we get it now... his other pet was in there...

According to the local news in the Holyoke area:

The case started in January when he allegedly invited three teenage girls back to his math class at Chicopee Comprehensive High School. There he showed the girls a picture of his cat on his cell phone, but as they scrolled through the pictures, the content changed.
"The second picture she scrolled through was the defendant, as well as an exposed penis," says Assistant District Attorney James Channing.

Boy Genius went on to ask the girls if they'd come to the "good pictures" yet, thereby eliminating the defense's argument that he never meant for them to see the peen pic. Next thing you know, as his attorney put it, the photo incident "went like wildfire through the school," leading to his arrest and his being placed on administrative leave. Keep collecting those checks, big boy, it's a long waiting list for a fast food job these days...

"The defendant would say, 'Wait until you're 18. If you came back after school I'd be in trouble...'" [CBS 3 - Springfield]

Too late, dumbass.

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Today in the Apocalypse: A 14-Year-Old Girl Did... What?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:19:00 GMT

This story is so disturbing, it has us worried about the next two generations...

A 14-year-old New Zealand girl was arrested earlier this week for driving drunk-- and that's just the beginning of the story. When her breathalyzer tests were released by police, it turned out she had a blood-alcohol level more than six times the legal limit. And there's more:

Acting Sergeant Kevin Crawford told the Northern Advocate the girl, who was four months pregnant, was stopped after her driving caught police attention.

She allegedly gave a false name and had difficulty spelling it.

She was forbidden to drive and taken to Whangarei police station, where she recorded a breath-alcohol level of 828mcg. The legal limit for drivers under 20 is 150mcg and driving licences are not issued to people under 15.

The girl would be referred to Youth Aid, Mr Crawford said. [Stuff.co.nz]

So, to recap: this wasn't some random checkpoint bust or a case of the cops pulling someone over for a broken tailight and then discovering the problem-- she was driving erratically, putting more than just two lives in danger. She tried to get out of it by using a fake name, which she couldn't even spell. And she didn't even have a driver's license to begin with-- who the hell gave her their car keys?!

Frightening.

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Trailer Trash Tramp Takes Two Teens To... Paradise?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:49:00 GMT

Picture this: you live in a trailer in Houma, Lousiana. No, that's too horrible to imagine for most-- how about this instead:

Imagine a woman is living in a trailer in Louisiana. One night, she invites two thirteen-year-old boys and four boys of legal age to her place for a game of cards. After losing what we must assume was a very randy round of strip poke, she asks all six dudes to accompany her to the bedroom, where they took turns having sex with her while the others gawked, giggled, and most likely turned toward each other with "Dude, holy shit, dude!" looks on their faces.

Now, if you're the judge sentencing this woman-- remember, you're in the South-- how much jail time do you slap this woman with?

If you're Judge Timothy Ellender, the answer is NONE. Ellender is one of those rare judges who, instead of trying to win reelection by showing the media how unfairly tough on crime he can be, actually heeded the advice of the victim's family, who asked that Maureen Lirette receive zero jail time. They told the judge that the boys were not upset and, because Lirette has a young daughter, it would be best for everyone if Lirette received probation.

Thanks to state law allowing victims to weigh in on a criminal's punishment, the Judge was able to hear the family's recommendations. He listened, and now Lirette will serve five years of supervised probation and be placed in a registry of sex offenders. Among Judge Ellender's greatest hits, according to WWLTV:

“So this was a gang bang? Are you pleased with yourself? Can’t you get yourself a man?”
“There’s a double standard. Some people think you did a 13-year-old boy a favor. I certainly don’t.”

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. But you need to be embarrassed.”

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Some Rapper No One's Ever Heard Of Arrested For Being An Idiot

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:07:00 GMT

My, this young man is very polite.

"Have you been drinking tonight?" Instead of answering, hiphopper Yung Berg answers, "I'm an artist, sir," which means "yes." He might as well have said, "My name is Yung Berg-- what do you think I've been doing tonight?"

Anyway, what kind of idiot is his manager-- doing that to a cop for no reason?

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How Not to Use the Internet After Committing a Crime

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:46:00 GMT

Facebook and MySpace have been leading cops to crooks for years. Recently, one woman turned in a guy she was about to go on a first date with because she found discovered, via a web search, that he had an FBI warrant out for his arrest.

This story is the first case we've heard of where the suspect initially incriminated himself by performing a Google search...

A San Francisco investment banker with quite a history of DUIs was out driving on January 11th 2005 when he hit, and killed 55-year-old Gurdeep Kaur. Lee Harbert, the driver fled the scene.

The story that Mr Herbert stuck to was that he hit a deer. Releasing him from the need to stop and assist with whatever he had just ran over. Originally police reports were for a burgandy Jaguar, and Lee’s was black. No way it could have been him.

The cops weren't sure he was their man, since his car had been cleaned up...

Police later searched his house and computer. They searched his recent queries in Google and found these recent search terms: “auto parts, auto dealers out-of-state; auto glass, Las Vegas; auto glass reporting requirements to law enforcement, auto theft.” [Yeah, That's Odd]

But that's not what will ultimately convict the guy. Harbert's later search included the words "hit and run," followed by his looking up a news story about his own hit and run. Of course, we've heard plenty of instances of teachers, already arrested, being convicted of sex with underage students after their internet histories revealed such memorable phrases as "sex laws between teachers and students" and "laws against underage sex." But this is definitely the first case we can think of where a guy was arrested because of his internet searches.

By the way, the guy is now serving three years in the pen.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 20:17:00 GMT

Kelly Osbourne has been arrested for smacking a woman who insulted her future ex-husband.

The Biggy Smalls biopic Notorious is causing theater owners to freak out. There have been reports of shootings and then this near-riot and outdoor fight has police scrambling for backup.

This may be the coolest thing ever created with Legos...

Obama fever has officially hit Legoland. The Carlsbad, CA, park has modified its U.S. Capitol model to illustrate the historic Presidential Inauguration of Barack Obama. The display opens to the public tomorrow, Jan. 16, and will stay on through Memorial Day. Photos by Christopher Victorio. [SF Weekly]

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Previously: people using the inaugural to rent out their apartments on Craig's List for astronomical amounts of money. Now: people using the inaugural to troll Craig's List for random sex. One poster wants you and another lady to join him in his hotel jacuzzi-- don't miss out.

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A London man is all set to marry his fiancee... unfortunately, she died in a car accident. (No, really, this is a beautiful story.)

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Pregnant Woman, Tackled And Arrested While In Labor, To Get Her Day In Court

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:43:00 GMT

Back in May, 2005, a 24-year-old woman in Jacksonville, Florida was arrested in a hospital emergency room after running red lights and refusing to wait while an officer ticketed her. The police tackled her to the ground and cuffed her, which is what they are trained to do.

Except there's a catch: Melanie Williams was in labor and bleeding, partly as a result of having been seven-and-a-half-months pregnant. Thankfully, she was later released and gave birth to a reportedly healthy boy.

We have to admit to not being in the least surprised to learn that Melanie Williams is black. Could that have been a factor in the decisions made by police? However, we'd also like to point out, had Williams just called 911 from her house and waited for an ambulance, this might never have happened-- although, we must add, we have to wonder whether she was afraid about the cost of the ambulance versus driving herself. Universal healthcare, anyone?

Obviously, she is now suing the shit out of everyone-- and it's hard to imagine a jury not feeling sympathetic to the plight of a woman in labor screaming about being pregnant and bleeding while being handcuffed on a hospital floor. The cops fear a jury trial, as well-- until yesterday, they were fighting a lower court ruling that ordered them to face a civil suit. The two deputies claimed to have "immunity," which the appeals court judge scoffed at.

(One more irrelevant tidbit: the day Melanie Williams gave birth was Mother's Day.)

[Earlier version corrected for clarity.]

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

A teacher kissed his sixteen-year-old student three times, his wife found out, and he resigned his position. Then, whoops, it turned out he hadn't done anything illegal.

That investment adviser who tried to fake his own death via plane crash was caught in Florida.

Guess which television personality said this to Kate Winslet: "I love the fact that you have real breasts?" Conan? Bill O'Reilly? Sean Hannity?

Kate Winslet was on Oprah today, and Ms. Winfrey made a point of talking about the sexually explicit flick The Reader. "In all the scenes, your breasts do what real breasts do," Oprah mused.

"I love the fact that you have real breasts," Oprah gushed to Kate... "God bless your real breasts." Kate, ever the good sport, said, "Thank you," and the audience burst into applause as the two women clasped hands in a real-breast-love-fest. [Jezebel]

Is this the first arrest via Facebook?

STD rates continue to climb, in spite of brave CNN's noble efforts to alert us.

The parents of Drew Peterson's girlfriend sound way too nonchalant about this. Whatever happened to a baseball bat and a loud "you stay away from my daughter, you hear?!"

Even pointing out what a lying idiot Sarah Palin is has become an utter waste of time, since she won't even acknowledge it when every one of her accusations turn out to be bullshit.

For a stupid Nike commercial masquerading as a YouTube video, this is pretty funny-- although we still could care less about Taylor Momsen, whoever that is. (To offset the fact that we're basically linking to an ad, you should buy Reebok or any other brand instead.)

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If You're Going to Give A BJ In Public...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:33:00 GMT

...you might not want to do it front of cameras and startled onlookers...

...as English lass Emma Modrate has learned the hard way. (Side note: although the original article in the Sun doesn't mention it, it was most likely a blow job. Ah, the Sun... topless women running rampant in its pages for no reason, but God forbid they use the words "oral sex" in order to clarify what the hell they're rambling on about.)

The most amusing thing about this story is that a) Modrate has made thirty-three court appearances in just ten years and b) the judge's actual words to her?

“It seems the probation service have more faith in you than I have. I have reviewed your case over the last year and it seems you have been going backwards. However, I am going to give you one more chance."

Apparently, Emma's boyfriend gave her two chances... to finish up the blow job that is. Closed-circuit footage of the incident indicates that Liam Dougherty, whom the Sun barely even mentions (you know, because the guy shouldn't get in trouble at all for this), kept coming back for more. It must not have been all that wonderful, since the dude decided to converse with a passing hobo, who we're sure reflected philosophically, Kevin Smith-style, on the state of blow jobs in this confused and diversified world of ours...

Oh, and here's the Sun's photo of this woman... we don't condone laughing at someone's appearance... so let's all laugh at the fact that she's a smoker!

Craziest Town Meeting Ever Involves Porn, Sexual Harassment, Vehicular Homicide

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:15:00 GMT

When Anthony Troiano went into a meeting with fellow town selectmen in Hopkinton, MA, he thought maybe they would want to discuss that time he killed somebody, had his license suspended, and was arrested.

As it turns out, Troiano had bigger problems, as the local paper (The Metro West Daily News) breaks it down for us:

1) Troiano has been busted at least twice: once, for committing vehicular homicide (for which he's already been convicted) and for driving with a revoked license five days after having the license taken away in September.

2) Troiano's political enemies looked for other mistakes to help their case to oust him. One turned up a visit to a porn site Troiano had made while using a town-owned laptop in the privacy of Troiano's home. Troiano admitted to going to the site, but came up with a vague excuse involving spam e-mails that caused him to visit it in the first place.

3) Unsure the board would expel their rival, Troiano's opponents then appear to have tried another tactic. One anonymous member filed a claim that their co-worker's visit to a porn site while on a network they all shared amounted to sexual harassment. ("Troiano had created a hostile work environment by using a town computer to look at porn.")

Troiano was booted unanimously, although one board member-- clearly the only one with half a brain here-- abstained from voting, saying it should not become a public matter and could unfairly damage the man's reputation. Too late-- it's now all over the national news and blogosphere, thanks to the October meeting's notes being made public.

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Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:25:00 GMT

We've been reading about this story for a few days now, but we were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yes, this story is so shocking, we assumed it was fake, exaggerated, or rife with accidental factual errors or some combination of the three. Unfortunately, though, the Galveston Police Department has not released a plausible denial, so we have to assume that, to a large extent, this is a true story...

Here's what we (think we) know:

1) A 12-year-old African American female is playing in front yard in Galveston, Texas two years ago. Out of nowhere, a van pulls up and three men jump out, call her a prostitute and grab her. When she screams "Daddy, Daddy," they clamp her mouth shut and beat her on the mouth and face. Her father responds to her cries (hero!) and starts beating up the men (not heroes.)

2) The men (if one can call these pieces of shit that) turn out to be police officers. All kosher so far, right? Whoops-- it turns out they were plainclothes cops, didn't identify themselves as police (big no-no, as any boy in blue will tell you), and were supposed to be responding to a report of three Caucasian prostitutes in a different part of the neighborhood. What excuse did these officers provide for seizing on the pre-teen black girl? She was wearing "short shorts." (We'll refrain from making a crack about how all preteen girls would be prostitutes under these guidelines since, well, preteen girls are surely acting more and more like prostitutes these days, anyway...)

3) The girl, who is an honor student, was released and subsequently arrested while in school, where she is an honor student. She was charged with "assaulting a public servant"-- which itself is almost a sick joke, since every word of that charge is a boldfaced lie.

4) No one heard about the case for two years because, quite justifiably, the girl and her family were afraid to tell anyone. An intrepid reporter spotted the ongoing case on a court docket and blew the lid off the whole thing. Of course, the mainstream media are ignoring the story-- probably because the family is poor, black, from Texas, and probably unwilling to cooperate with the obnoxious press. We can't say we blame them, although we hope that this gets major publicity and that all three police officers lose their jobs...

...if this is a factual story, of course.

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Teens Identified In Robbery After Mom Walks By

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Here's your dumb criminals of the month: not only were they caught preparing for the robbery, chased out of the targeted store by a woman with a flyswatter, but after being tackled by a random security guard who was on to them before they even put on their "masks," one of them realized his Mom was one of the gawking bystanders.

The weirdness continues below...

1) Herman Sakaria, a local security guard, was heading toward his car when he noticed two sixteen-year-old males covering over their license plate. Sensing something was up, he lurked in the shadows and watched as the youths put plastic bags over their faces (!) and pulled out steak knives.

2) The youths ran into a store and demanded cash. For some reason, Stuff.co.nz's version of the story insists upon describing the store's proprietors as a "a Korean man and woman" (while, at the same time, ignoring the ethnicities of the culprits and their captor, depicted above in a censored photo taken by an onlooker.)

3) The shopkeepers chased the kids out without using a weapon, apparently, although the woman did beat one of the kids with... a flyswatter. Meanwhile, Sakaria was waiting for the robbers and tackled them as they left the premises.

4) Sakaria held the boys down until police arrived (in America, the story would've gone: "he eventually was forced to release the boys after twenty minutes because the police hadn't respond to the 9-1-1 call, assuming someone had dialed it at all.") While one of the boys was moaning and groaning under the guard's knee, he looked up and noticed a woman walking by. "Oh shit," he said, "There's my mum."

5) The boys could received up to 14 years in prison apiece.

Coda) The bizarrely-written story concludes:

"Police say the incident is a reminder for Rodney residents to batten down the hatches during the Christmas and holiday period to divert potential robberies and burglaries."

A reminder based on what? This incident, which closer to theater than crime, is a reminder that someone might burglarize our apartments? Whatever you say, coppers...

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Governor of Illinois Arrested Over Obama Senate Appointment... And That's Not Even the Weirdest Story

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:44:00 GMT

If this is a story about the very corrupt (allegedly, of course) Governor of Illinois, why are you looking at a picture of Fran Drescher?

First, the very strange breaking political story of the morning:

An official says Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich (bluh-GOY'-uh-vich) has been arrested in Chicago on corruption charges stemming from the selection of the successor to President-elect Barack Obama's U.S. Senate seat.
U.S. Attorney's office spokesman Randall Samborn says both Blagojevich and his chief of staff John Harris were arrested Tuesday. Authorities aren't yet releasing details about those charges. However, a federal law enforcement official tells The Associated Press the governor is accused of corruption charges. The official says the charges stem from the selection process of a successor to Obama.
Federal prosecutors have investigated Blagojevich's administration for at least three years. They've been looking at everything from how he hired people for state jobs to the actions of friends and contributors. [NYTimes]

(The Huffington Post adds that he was "conspiring to financially benefit" from the appointment and for threatening to illegally withhold state assistance in the matter of the sale of Wrigley Field to the Tribune Company.)

He was already under investigation for corruption in an unrelated case, so what does he do? Apparently, it's not realize that he may have a stoolie in the house or a tap on his phone and take some more bribes, this time from... wait, how is this corruption? Did Jesse Jackson, Jr. offer him a bribe? We find it hard to believe Tammy Duckworth, the Iraq War vet serving in the state of Illinois would've entered into a corrupt bargain, but maybe. And maybe it's not even involving an actual candidate-- just someone who wanted to influence the decision.

In an unrelated story, Fran Drescher has expresed interest in being appointed to Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. We're dead serious. Here's the report from CNN, which is so insane, even they can't keep a straight face:

No, seriously.

"Fran Drescher, actress, women's health advocate and public diplomacy envoy for the U.S. State Department, announced that she is throwing her hat into the ring of contenders for the senate seat being vacated by Secretary of State-designate Hillary Rodham Clinton," Drescher spokesman Jordan Brown told CNN in a written statement late Monday.
Drescher, 51, is best known for her starring role in the 1990s television comedy "The Nanny" and an adenoidal voice that could strip the rust off an engine block — a talent that might come in handy during a Senate filibuster.

But since a bout with uterine cancer, she has become an activist for better health care for women and was named a State Department public envoy on the issue in September. Drescher recently toured Eastern European countries to raise awareness of the issue on behalf of the State Department. [CNN]

She has no chance whatsoever of being appointed by the Governor of New York, but that won't stop Chuck Schumer from breathing a sigh of relief when another person is named. After all, he's probably looking forward to having easier competition for press competition than Hillary Clinton...

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Man Gets 4 Years For Doing Something Horrible To Grandma's Dog

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:51:00 GMT

We were in Clearwater, Florida for Thanksgiving this year and heard a story so creepy, even we didn't want to write about it.

Which, as you know, means this is one you won't be able to brush off, no matter how much you drink to forget...

In court nearby, a twenty-year-old man named Nicholas Densmore (hopefully no relation to the Doors drummer-- or anyone else, for that matter) was being sentenced to four years in prison and one year's probation for raping a Yorkshire terrier. What's worse, it was his grandmother's dog.

And his grandmother caught him in the act.

Claudette Densmore spotted Nicholas hanging out with the dog in her family's motor home. When she approached, he took off running and dumped the dog in a trash can nearby. The dog tested positive for... oh, really, do you want to know? You don't. What makes this story all the more bizarre is that Nicholas's entire family testified in his favor and claimed the boy is schizophrenic, was off his meds, and should be at home where he can be supervised... by his grandmother. (Fark-ready tagline: "Why do they hate animals so much?")

Now that we think about it, was it wrong to put this guy away for four years, in light of what we know about his medical problems and the family's steadfast support?

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Teacher Arrested For Possession of Drugs, Terrible Goatee

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

A highly-praised Wisconsin high school math teacher has been busted by the cops for giving out weed, shrooms, and coke to his former students at his own house parties. No wonder he received a 4.4 on Rate My Teachers...

Roger "Bring the" Payne, is a 47-year-old teach at Wauwatosa East High School in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin... but perhaps his contract will not be renewed following this unfortunate incident. Payne pulled the classic Boy George bonehead move-- he called the cops about a break-in at his home, where he happened to be in possession of marijuana. Double whoops-- they also slapped him with charges of obstruction of justice and drug trafficking.

Somebody ratted out The Roge... and they will pay. Probably a small fine, that is, since the burglar/rat took nothing with him:

The 21-year-old man accused of breaking into Payne's home tells police he partied with Payne often. He alleges the parties included marijuana, mushrooms and cocaine. The 21-year-old thought it was "wrong for a teacher to be partying with former students."

Dude... you're 21 years of age... it's wrong for you to be breaking into people's homes and then narcing on them to the fuzz. And if you think it's wrong for the teacher to have those parties, maybe you shouldn't have partaken in them and called the authorities a long time ago; you would look like so much less of a douchebag if you did.

By the way, we can speak so authoritatively on these matters because we had multiple teachers in high school who used to get us wasted-- and not on Miller High Life, okay? And although these adult males exhibited questionable judgment with regard to our health and safety, they weren't deserving of losing their jobs and going to jail for multiple years either.

Sorry for the rant. Photo and partial info via TMJ4-TV.

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"Step Right Up! Enter Our Prostitution Raffle..."

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:44:00 GMT

An adviser at Ohio State was arrested in his friend's home for organizing and operating a $10-a-ticket raffle for a night with a young prostitute.

This is one of those stories that just improves with every emerging detail...

Christopher Johnson, who works as an adviser at OSU's nursing school, was busted for promoting prostitution after launching the raffle through a Craigslist posting, then throwing a party for ticketholders at his friend Rusty Blades' house. Unfortunately, "Rusty Blades" is a real estate agent and not a porn star, although we're totally reserving the right to use the name in perpetuity.

Here's the kicker: the alleged prostitute is 31-year-old Vanise Dunn, who is child sex-abuse worker at the local Childrens Services center. Hot damn!

Photo of OSU coeds for illustrative purposes only.

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Louisiana Teacher Gets Closer to Student By Sleeping with His Father

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:47:00 GMT

If you want to get in the pants of a fifteen-year-old boy, one way to make sure that happens is to first sleep with his father, then stick around for an encore.

Anna Davis, who is a 32-year-old special ed teacher at Benton High in Shreveport, Louisiana, has been arrested for having sex with a juvenile. The cops found out about it following a phone call Davis made the boy's divorced Dad, who she was also sleeping with, letting him know that she was dumping him for his son. Dad, out of either disgust or anger at having been dumped (we're kidding), immediately dialed up Davis's school, which removed her and notified the police.

Her response? "I'm in love with him and I want to marry him."

The cops? "I don't know if she understood exactly what she was doing."

Yes, officer, she most certainly does-- it's called sexual intercourse and it makes people do very strange things...

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MySpace Actually Good For Something After All...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 14:44:00 GMT

Pretend for a minute that you actually still use MySpace and care about its survival.

After a week that ended with the near vindication of the horrible woman who drove her daughter's enemy to suicide-via-MySpace, you'd be forgiven for just wanting Tom & Co. to pack up and shut the servers down. But you might want to reevaluate the validity of the world's #1 social networking hub in the wake of this hilarious "WTF?" story from California. Today's tale involves two pranksters, a creepy teacher, and the beauty of the internet...

In Petaluma, CA, a 34-year-old teacher named Scott Eugene Dietlin has been arrested for trying to get it on with Jackie, a 15-year-old girl. How did he get caught? It turns out that two local kids created Jackie's MySpace account just for fun, and "Jackie" is a figment of their imagination. When Dietlin deigned to send a message to the lovely young girl, he was met with what he thought was playful resistance. In actuality, the two guys were just having a laugh, seeing if this idiot actually kept contacting "Jackie."

When they realized he wasn't going to stop, the heroic fifteen-year-olds called in the five-oh... and when Dietlin showed up for his date... now has to say bye-bye to his job and, eventually, liberty.

MySpace might be good for something after all...

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This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 19:20:00 GMT

There was too much gay sex in the Howard Stern Public Restroom, so the State of New Jersey is shutting it down.

The Church of England may be getting soft: the pastor who carried out an unauthorized gay marriage will not be censured.

Here's a weird one for ya. A guy was arrested after a foot chase during which he stripped off his clothing. The photographer turns out to have been taking pictures of kids on behalf of... an anti-gay website. Wha?

Check out this complete assface who blatantly steals "No On Prop 8" signs and then assaults a guy who tries to stop him. Then the accused jerk, a Ken Mettler, says he was "acting in self-defense." Apparently, trying to get your signs back is now an "attack."

Here's the full video:

Meanwhile, Samuel L. Jackson says he is against Prop 8, which should help with the state's African-American vote.

And two elderly gay men were murdered in their Indianapolis home. Friends say both were targeted for months-- their power lines were cut and homophobic graffiti was found on the property.

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Happy Birthday: Woman Busted With 16 Grams In Her Vagina

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:52:00 GMT

You're no longer a teenager-- in fact, you've just turned 20 that very day. How do you celebrate your newfound maturity?

If you happen to be a certain woman from Maine, you drive to Massachusetts, score 16 grams of coke, stuff it all in her vagina, then drive back home with a wanted criminal who doesn't even know how to spell the word "Jonathan."

We're serious about the name thing:

Sans was stopped Oct. 25 at 6 p.m. for driving 69 miles per hour on a 45-mile-per-hour stretch of Interstate 95, and when asked by Trooper Chris Storm to identify himself, he said his name was Jonathan Brackett, state police prosecutor Diane Dubay testified in the District Court Monday. When asked to spell the name, Sans spelled Jonathan, “Jothan,” said Dubay.

With Sans was birthday girl Alicia Kelly, who gave up the dope while she was being booked. Why did Alicia confess to having dope when she wasn't even charged with any crime beforehand? Dumbass Sans again, for no reason at all, gave them up:

Dubay testified that after Sans was read his Miranda rights, he told the trooper he was paid $100 to drive a couple to Massachusetts specifically to buy cocaine.

We look forward to more incompetence from these kooks in 2047, when they'll likely all be paroled...

Via Seacoast Online.

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Hero of the Day: Girl Who Talked Her Way Out of a Kidnapping

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 17:16:00 GMT

A seven-year-old girl in Columbus, Ohio, who sat down on a neighbor's steps to collect her things while walking home from school, was grabbed from behind and dragged into a stranger's house, where he forced her to pose nude for him.

This could be the beginning of a really scary Lifetime movie, one of those ones where the girl emerges twenty years later, brainwashed and confused, to search out her family. Thank God that, after being forced to pose nude for his leering camera, this unnamed girl caught a break and used it to make a daring move...

[T]he 7-year-old girl was also forced to take pictures of [40 year-old suspect James] Glenn while he was half naked.
The girl's relative said she told Glenn she was hungry to distract him and while he left her alone, she called her family, finding a utility bill to tell him where she was.

"I'm like, 'I'm going to be over at your apartment in five seconds. You're going to let her out of your apartment,'" Todd said.

Amazingly, he must have, for the girl was returned safe to her family and Glenn now faces a litany of charges, one of which includes Gross Sexual Imposition. That's putting it mildly-- how's about kidnapping, for starters?

Via NBC.

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