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Take Him to Detroit: America's 11 Most Depressing Places

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:46:00 GMT

This really ain't Michigan's week, is it? First, some dumbass ex-Mayor was arrested for having an extramarital affair in the middle of the street. Then, we made a mean joke about the Detroit Free Press and it's sex advice column, complete with a newspaper headline that says, "Detroit Blows." Now, comes word that Business Insider is further driving down the state's property values by including two MI cities on its list of the most depressing places in America.

Cheer up and enjoy this sprightly little list...

11. Stockton, CA. Stockton actually topped the recent Forbes list of the 10 worst places to live in the country, which is somehow different than "depressing." At that time, we commented: "The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here." It turns out that they Mayor has the town in an uproar for trying to unload his condo/apartment with a short sale.

10. Flint, MI. Business Insider calls Michael Moore's favorite city "an impoverished, depressing dump." In the 20 years since Roger & Me, no one claims the city has improved its quality of life, so we're going to have to assume BI is right to include it here.

9. Wichita, KS. Apparently, the only city with worse dating opportunities for young people is Kansas City, Missouri. And even though one of the scariest serial murderers in history, the BTK Killer, has been brought to justice, a cloud of dread hangs over the city like so many horrific tornadoes of the past... or something.

8. Alpharetta, GA. What the hell is Alpharetta, GA? "Alpharetta, a suburb of Atlanta, is the bank-failure capital of the U.S. Three banks based in Alpharetta--NetBank, Integrity Bancshares and Alpha Bank & Trust--failed in just 13 months. That's more than any other single town in America." Oh, that Alpharetta, GA....

7. West Palm Beach, FL. Business Week claims there really isn't a terrible place to live in Florida, while we insist all of Florida is terrible. If you want to live somewhere warm, move to a tropical island-- most people in FL just end up the source of hilarious news for the rest of the country. Speaking of hilarious, check out this bizarro ad for a company called Condo Vultures Realty. It's apparently real.

6. Kokomo, IN is not the place The Beach Boys told you-- not by any means. It has a staggering 20% unemployment rate (wonder how much that rises when you factor in the "real unemployment rate" in this country, which is somewhere around 15% now) and is likely to go down with the Titanic that is the nation's auto industry. If you ever needed a reason to move to Indiana... well, you won't find it here.

5. Mahoning Valley, OH. Really, this one's all about Youngstown-- formerly a great steel and mining community, Youngstown is now almost as violent as New Orleans or Brooklyn when the subway stops running. Check this out: "Car bombings were so frequent that they became known as 'a Youngstown tuneup.'" Can an HBO series be far off?

4. Yuma, AZ. Sporting highs in the 60's and 70's all winter long, it's no wonder many Arizonians have winter homes there. Somehow this hasn't translated into year-round employment for the sleepy town, which has jobless numbers rivaling (and often topping) a little place called Kokomo. You wouldn't know it from the Wikipedia page, but Business Week claims this is the unemployment capital of the country. Ouch.

3. East St. Louis, IL. Jesus Christ, who the hell actually lives in East St. Louis these days? GET OUT.

2. Inland Empire, CA. David Lynch's favorite place on earth-- need you hear anymore? It's also responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- or, should we say, dumbassery is what's responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- as they bought up a real estate company in the area shortly before the whole area's value dropped by an unfathomable 60%.

And #1... you knew it was coming, my Detroit friends, so let's get on with it:

1. Detroit, MI. Why is Detroit in such dire straits? Sure, the auto industry is all shot to hell these days (and probably permanently)-- but is that enough to make this the most depressing place in America? No, this figure is: "The average home price in Detroit is just $7,500 because no one wants to live there. The continuing catastrophe that is the US auto industry has reduced this onetime industrial behemoth to a nearly perfect picture of decrepitude. Last year when the murder rate dropped in the city, the mayor joked that the reason was that 'there is no one left to kill.'" The only thing wrong with this quote is the word "joked"-- everyone nodded knowingly when he said it. Then he went to jail for perjury... and it wasn't even big news because... no one cares about Detroit. Sorry, kids.

Via Business Insider.

Believe It Or Not, One of the Best Sex Advice Columns is Brought to You By... Detroit

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AZ Gov. Candidate Posts Topless Photo of His Roommate on Flickr

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:33:00 GMT

John Paul Mitchell, 30, teaches yoga and is studying for his doctorate at the University of Sedona. He is not your typical Republican candidate, particularly since he is running against a newly-ascended state leader, Jan Brewer, who took over for Democrat Janet Napolitano when Napolitano accepted a cabinet post. He also isn't your typical politician-- he maintains a Flickr account, which he updates with campaign and personal photos on the same page.

Normally, this would be no big deal... until a photo of a topless woman appeared on the page.

Mitchell claims that the photo, which was deleted before we could at least see it and tell you what it looked like, is of Mitchell's female roommate. The candidate, who has a girlfriend, says the flatmates share an account on the site and that she posted it and meant to make it private, but forgot to. Or something. It all sounds a bit suspicious-- too many lapses in judgment for that to happen. Obviously, it sounds like he took an illicit picture of his roommate, a woman he admits to sleeping with in the past, and posted it to what he thought was a private, blocked-off area of his Flickr account. Not saying she didn't consent, but that's possible.

In any case, he had to play damage control in the news media all day yesterday:

Why would she post topless photos to the Flickr account?

Because she has hundreds of photographs on there. She uploads pictures from family gatherings, to vacations, to self-taken pictures. What she does in the privacy of our home or elsewhere is her personal business.

Again, the picture was meant to be flagged as private and not viewable by the public.

Why do you have a shared account?

Because I initially set it up for my use, but later allowed her to use the Flickr account to have an online storage space for her photography.

Did you and the woman ever date or have a romantic relationship?

Yes, at one point, we were involved romantically. However, we made a mutual agreement that it was best we remain only friends. Our friendship is going on its sixth year and we consider each other best friends.

At this point, the woman has yet to speak out. One has to wonder what her take on all this is-- is she embarrassed into silence or being asked by the candidate not to comment, for fear of keeping the story going? Or is she secretly furious about the photo ending up on his Flickr account? His account, by the way, can be seen here.

Via AZ Central.

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Arizona University Paper Hosts Sex Advice Column, Silly Questions Ensue

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Northern Arizona University, in the Flagstaff area, has an award-winning newspaper called the Lumberjack, which features a sex advice column and questions from anonymous local dopes and maybe a few genuine practitioners of sex.

At the end of every semester, the Lumberjack, which can be found online as JackCentral, reproduces the leftover scraps. While they aren't as asinine as you might expect (we're pretty sure the craziest questions were left on the printing press floor), there are a few pieces of gold mixed in with questions about swimming sperm, anal sex, and circumcision...

Q: What’s the point of anal sex?

A: For some of us, the act of anal sex can seem strange or intimidating. For most homosexual male couples, this is a popular option for love-making. Some women or heterosexual men enjoy anal stimulation as well; it just depends on what feels comfortable and pleasurable. Some men enjoy anal sex for a reason most of us don’t think about in the bedroom: prostate health.

Anal intercourse stimulates this sensitive gland that lies just below the bladder and right up against the rectum. Many men enjoy stimulation of the prostate, and some even call this area the “male g-spot.” Plus, proctologists agree regular stimulation of the prostate is good for prostate health and functioning. So if not for your sexual pleasure, do it for your sexual health!

Q: Do sperm have eyes? If not, how do they know to go north for the summer?

A: We are assuming “going north” is a euphemism for traveling up the female reproductive system. To start off, sperm do not have eyes, because they are single-celled organisms. One thing that helps them in their quest for an egg is the flagellum, or that little tail that helps them swim. There are also environmental factors that point them in the right direction.

Sperm can live in the female reproductive system for a few days, but only a few hours in the vagina. The vagina is a very volatile environment for sperm because of its natural acidity. And because the sperm won’t last too long outside of the vagina either, their instinct is to swim up through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes. If the woman has ovulated and an egg is present, that egg begins to emit certain chemical signals to which the sperm respond. Once they sense that chemical romance, they are further attracted up the fallopian tubes to their female counterpart.

Great answers, of course, but awesomely-named writer Nellie Placencia can clearly be seen resisting snarky remarks to questions like these, under the headline The Naked Truth: Feeling queasy? Maybe there's a baby inside you?

Hola, bonjour and hello faithful readers. You have returned once again for a great week of sexual topics, and I am here to satisfy your cravings. This week’s question comes courtesy of The Stork, who wants to remind everyone that carrots help your eyesight, and sex makes babies.

Q: How long after sex do I know if I’m pregnant? How long can you wait after intercourse to take a pregnancy test?

A: First of all, having sex with no barrier or hormonal contraception is a great way to induce a pregnancy. If you did that within the past two or three months, your chances are good. So…mazel tov!

Women can usually spot a few signs of pregnancy within the first two months of being impregnated. The most obvious sign of pregnancy is a missed period. Keeping track of when your period normally starts and ends is a good idea if you’re sexually active, especially if you have an irregular cycle. If you miss your period and suspect it’s not normal, you might be pregnant. The best way to know is to take a pregnancy test, but more about that later.

Q: How do I get birth control? Does it need to be prescribed by a doctor? When do I start using it? Are there different types?

A: In these trying economic times, we here at The Naked Truth understand the need for effective and affordable birth control. And assuming you are a girl (boys, just head down to Walgreens and buy some condoms), there are a lot of important concerns when choosing the birth control method that is right for you.

Via JackCentral.

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Fox News Enjoys Your Big Butt

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 16:36:00 GMT

Fox News in Phoenix had one of its poor, long-suffering female correspondents file a report on big butts and why they're absolutely wonderful for your health. Okay, this we gotta see...

"Right in the ol' badonk?" Dirty Diane, clearly you are obsessed. Also, apparently, big butts are what made Beyonce and J-Lo famous and there's no need to work out that much if your ass is gigantic. Thanks, Fox.

We'll never look at apples the same way.

Via MyFoxPhoenix.

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While You Were Sleeping: Principal Walks In At The Wrong Moment

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Rush Limbaugh is at it again: he's predicting Ted Kennedy is going to die soon.

This cat amuses the bejesus out of our stupid asses.

M.I.A. denied naming her baby Ickitt... but hasn't convinced us of this yet because she won't say what she did name the lil' thang.

Questions remain: will Specter switch to the Democrats? Will Howard Dean join the Cabinet? And is Al Franken ever going to be named Senator?

Moby says what we're all thinking: the weather is too harsh up here in the winter and it's time to migrate elsewhere... at least from October through May.

Wanna be Bruce Lee?

Live in Sweden and want to hire a teenage babysitter? You might reconsider that after reading this.

Rihanna is trying to focus on "new music," which is easy when your boyfriend/husband is busy with the trial for beating you up, spends his nights drinking illegally, and has a soon-to-be-condemned album of his own to work on.

And a school principal in Arizona is gouging his eyes out after walking in a student getting it on with a teacher.

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"Hey, Wanna Meet Me For Some Hotel Sex?"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 21:53:00 GMT

Picture this: you're a fourteen-year-old boy, and for some reason your parents think it's appropriate for you to own a cellular telephone. More importantly, you have given the number out to an assortment of people, including your friends, strange girls from around the area, your teacher, and, one would hope, your family.

One night, you start to get racy text messages from someone claiming to be a hot girl your age. Somehow, the texter manages to convince you that you are in a hotel and waiting for you to come by for some hot sexy time. You get to the hotel on the double, open the door, and...

Now, at what point do you realize the "teenage girl" you've gone to meet is, in actuality, your 49-year-old 8th grade English instructor? Before or... after you have sex with her?

Gaaahhh!

Rosanna Brown, 49, a teacher at Pastor Elementary School in south Phoenix is charged with having sex with a 14-year-old boy.

The teacher is now in jail. Investigators say she sent text messages to the boy from her cell phone posing as a teenage girl to lure him to a hotel, where they had sex. [AZ Family]

"Oh, wait, you're not a hot 14-year-old girl from class who has a completely different phone number than the one you've been texting me from. But hey, you want to bone me, so... what the hell!"

Today in Teacher Sex: Louisiana and New York Pervs Reach New Heights

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Tucson Gets the Shaft-- Literally-- During the Super Bowl

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 15:53:00 GMT

Talk about adding insult to injury. Not only were Arizona Cardinals fans distraught over the last minute victory of their rivals, the Pittsburgh Steelers, they also had to contend with a sudden interruption in Comcast's service right after the big touchdown.

But it's not the interruption itself that had people so pissed off-- it's what they interrupted the game for...

Just after the Cardinals scored their go-ahead touchdown, Comcast subscribers in the Tucson area had a moment that makes us forget all about boring ol' Nipplegate. Check it out:

Then all of a sudden, the screen freezes up... and this is what we see:

This porn movie features a big dick that's taking forever to come out of this star's pants. We'll spare you the peen, which flops around on screen...

Top Photo: Barton Silverman/NY Times.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Next Major Blockbuster Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Has the Senate ever been this entertaining? Between Dick Cheney swearing in a shit-eating-grin-sportin' Joe Biden to Roland Burris, barbarian at the gate?

Aubrey O'Day will receive one half million smackers to allow her boobies to appear in Playboy.

We have to admit, we're skeptical the "safe sex" soap opera can convince teens of anything.

This will either be worse than Rocky V or even better than First Blood: Part Two.

How the hell do you win the lottery 21 times? Probably by buying all the tickets.

According to Forbes, the most boring big city in the country is in... Arizona. Runners up include... cities in Arizona.

The next big movie event involves Spielberg, Peter Jackson, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost. Oh, and don't forget Tintin.

Will Ferrell is about to kick off his George Bush spoof on Broadway.

Did you hear about the woman who set her husband's nuts on fire? She killed him and burned her house down, and now she's being charged with murder, having confessed to her neighbors that she did it because if she couldn't have his dick, no one could.

Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton died. At least we can say we saw them twice...

And in Virgina, a six-year-old boy missed the school bus, so he did the next best thing, as his grandfather would've instructed: he ~~walked~~ stole the family car, with predictable results.

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse vs. Norway

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:17:00 GMT

All right, let's wrap up the new year with a deluge of crazy celebrity, sex, and celebrity sex news around:

Charles Barkley, rumored to be gearing up to run for Governor of 'Bama, was arrested for DUI in Arizona.

The list of the 19 worst Americans of 2008 is hard to argue with.

Wayne Bent, the leader of religious sect, was sentenced to ten years in prison for laying on a bed (and nothing more, supposedly) with two naked teenage girls.

Video games, even shooting games, cause people to have poor body image.

Congratulations to Sam Adams, the new Mayor of Portland, apparently the first openly gay man to ascend to that office in the country.

We all know these pervert teachers send text messages to underage students. What we never know is what they actually wrote.

Amy Winehouse faces drug charges in Norway on January 12th. They actually think she's going to show?!

And will 2009 be the year Flight of the Conchords becomes a cultural phenomenon? Let's make it our collective New Year's resolution, people.

Related:

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Are Too Few Baby Boys Being Circumcised?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 21:29:00 GMT

According to new research, the number of baby boys being circumcised in the U.S. is dropping. While critics of circumcision may think this is a good thing, the reason behind the drop may not be.

Circumcision rates have decreased significantly since the 1980s, partially due to the fact that many people find the procedure cruel and unnecessary, but in part the drop can be attributed to the fact that 16 states do not currently cover the cost of a circumcision in their Medicad programs. According to some, this is taking the choice away from the poor.

Robert C. Bailey, a professor of epidemiology at the University of Illinois at Chicago, thinks that "It's another way in which our health system is increasing inequality across the population. People who can't afford good health care are essentially being discriminated against by this policy."

The states that don't cover circumcision are: Arizona, California, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Maine, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oregon, Utah and Washington and circumcision rates are "significantly lower" in those states, according to the research.

[US News & World Report: Circumcision Rates Too Low]

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[Image]

This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 14:44:00 GMT

Caroline Kennedy, who seems to be losing steam in her quest for the Senate, supports gay marriage.

There has been a 16% rise in violence against gays and lesbians this year, while 2007 had already seen a 16% rise over '06, according to the author of this story about a woman gang-raped in San Francisco for having a rainbow sticker on her car.

Strollerderby reported on the principal who censored a student's pro-gay rights paper...

Students at the Academy for Arts, Science & Technology near Carolina Forest have traditionally printed their paper on their own, using funds from ad sales to cover the cost of printing the quarterly paper. But when administrators, including Principal Ronnie Burgess, saw the picture of two male students holding hands and an editorial advocating for same-sex marriage, they told the kids the paper couldn't be distributed. They offered $500 in school funds to reprint the paper - without the editorial and picture.
Burgess said he was afraid the original paper would be "disruptive."
"I had some concerns about the content of the article and how it might impact students here and what the community concerns might be when the article was distributed," he told the Myrtle Beach-based Sun News. I'm not surprised that an administrator is afraid of community backlash (even homophobic, small-minded backlash), but what floors me is the rest of Burgess' statement to the paper: "At the academy we encourage diversity, we don't look to silence student voices, we hope to facilitate their expression."

Queen guitarist Brian May was the only person on earth who didn't know his lead singer, Freddie Mercury, was a homosexual.

Arizona's activists aren't taking state-sanctioned bigotry lying down.

"Mommy and Mama Now Legal In New York," at least on the birth certificates of kids born of gay parents in the state.

75% of Americans support gay marriage and/or civil unions, while 63% support strengthening hate crime laws.

And a court in Brighton, England ruled that a straight man can be considered "sexually harassed" over gay jokes even if he is not gay himself.

Pope Makes Insane Gay Metaphor

Today in WTF: Gay Teens Much More Likely To Get Pregnant

This Week In Gayness: The Coming Out TV Series

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 20:15:00 GMT

Sioux City, Iowa decided not to vote on gay marriage because they're not sure they have the authority to do so. We wish Prop 8 supporters had realized the same thing.

Arizona can't even decide whether it wants to support equal judicial representation of gay people.

Headline of the week: "How gay are Philly athletes?" Answer: very.

The State Department has find an interesting way to stop gay marriage...

I've now seen a couple of different reports (here and now here) about how same-sex couples who legally change their names on their marriage certificates are unable to get the State Department to recognize that name change on the couple's passports. In these cases, the State Department takes the position that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) prevents the government from recognizing a name change effected in conjunction with a same-sex marriage. Nonetheless, the State Department will recognize the name change if the couple takes the separate (and completely unnecessary) step of going to court to get a judicial name change or if the new name is used publicly and exclusively for a period of at least five years (and you can document such use).

Showtime is producing a reality show called Coming Out, which is, you guessed it, about people who come out to their bizarrely-clueless families.

New Jersey may have marriage equality in the near future.

"Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality." - Jon Stewart

Melissa Etheridge and Elisabeth Hasselbeck got into a fight about gay marriage on The View.

And another dumb kid wore a pro-Prop 8 shrit to school.

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Burger King Wants You To Have $100... No, Seriously, Take The Money...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:50:00 GMT

Burger King is deliberately dropping wallets full of cash all over the country and, unlike the wicked New York City Police Department, they aren't arresting people who are kind enough to pick them up...

The blogosphere is abuzz today with stories of people in Arizona, Florida, and Illinois finding wallets on the floor of the local Burger King restaurants. The wallets were deliberately dropped or planted by hired help on a Burger King marketing campaign:

From November 12-14, the fast food chain will be leaving 5000 wallets around Chicago, specifically "in high-traffic areas and landmarks." Inside the wallets? "A BK Crown Card pre-loaded with $5 to $20 and cold, hard cash ranging from $1 to $100."
Yep, the wallets include notes telling the individuals who find them to go ahead and keep the wallets. Time Out Chicago reported on November 12th that Burger King planned to drop 5,000 of these wallets around urban hot spots in Chicago. According to reports from bloggers, the wallets contain actual cash, ranging from a $1 bill to a $100 bill, a gift card to Burger King, a “Drivers License” featuring The King, and a map of Chicago or Orlando area Burger King’s.
This is a brilliant marketing move, and the mainstream media is obviously lagging behind on discovering it - but creative and unique marketing ideas like this one don’t go unnoticed forever. I expect much more widespread attention for this promotion as the word-of-mouth affect begins to trickle up the mainstream media.

The economy is in such bad shape right now, with the highest new unemplyoment filings in years, that you half expect large crowds of people scouring their local BK's, not for the $1 menu, but like those weird beachcombers, hoping that someone hasn't scoured the place as thoroughly as they are about to...

Via the So Good Blog and NBC.

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Sexy Librarians Win Wisconsin Dance-Off

While You Were Sleeping: Female Charles Manson on the Loose

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:58:00 GMT

Here's the strangest story you'll read all day: a man faces five years in an Arizona jail for being an illegal immigrant, which was proved in part by his handwriting sample.

Britney's son is out of the hospital.

If these two end up on Hannah Montana, we might actually try to find out what channel that show's on...

Barack Obama's daughters, Sasha and Malia, have been invited to appear on Disney's "Hannah Montana" show, Billy Ray Cyrus told "Access Hollywood." [MTV News]

Ever wanted to check out Einstein's FBI file? All 1,400+ pages of it?

Republicans in Minnesota are willing to eat their own Secretary of State if he doesn't get on the Stop The Voting bandwagon.

The female Charles Manson is a manipulative socio/psychopath and she's on the loose.

Caption this photo of Barack Obama and President Bush.

And here's something you'll enjoy: the 20 Wildest Reactions to Obama's Victory.

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This Week In Gayness: We Say No To That Yes On Prop 8

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

As we reported earlier, the gay romance on Grey's Anatomy has ended, thanks to a questionable change in the TV show's storyline. Hmmm...

We're still wondering about these gay-baiting robo-calls.

How is this guy still allowed out of the house? Ever? He should do 500 years in prison, at minimum:

A gay disc jockey in Raleigh originally convicted of violating HIV infection regulations in August has been placed on house arrest after admitting he broke probation orders in early October. On Sept. 6, Q-Notes reported that Joshua Waldon Weaver, 23, who works in clubs in Raleigh and Wilmington, pleaded guilty to charges that he failed to disclose his HIV-positive status and engaged in unprotected sex with three people. Weaver was given a suspended jail sentence and placed on probation. The terms of his probation ordered Weaver to use protection when engaging in sexual activity. About two weeks ago Weaver was arrested after Wake County Public Health officials contacted his probation officer with information that he had possibly violated court orders by having sex without a condom. Assistant District attorney Boz Zellinger told The News & Observer that health officials became aware of the DJ's violation after he contracted another sexually transmitted disease that could have been prevented by the use of a condom. Weaver could have faced 40 days in jail for his most recent violation, but District Court Judge Jacqueline Brewer instead sentenced him to six months of electronically-monitored house arrest. He will not be allowed to leave his father's house except for probation-approved employment.

Not that it matters now, but Obama did not support Prop 8. Pro 8, as you may have heard, appears to have passed, thanks to bigoted Mormons and, ironically, the black vote. Meanwhile, Florida and Arizona aren't helping move this country out of the Dark Ages.

And the Simpsons are causing controversy once again, this time with gay groups decrying the latest episode of the hit Fox show. (You can see the clip here, with the offending section at 15:45.)

Bart Simpson's cartoon nemesis is being blasted for his use of the schoolyard taunt "that's so gay" while bullying resident nerd Milhouse Van Houten in The Simpsons' annual Halloween episode airing last Sunday.

But the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network says the remark is nothing to laugh at.

"Many people say gay without even realizing what they're saying is bad,'" GLSEN spokesman Daryl Presgraves tells E! News.

Related:

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Democratic State Senator Busted For Stuffing Her Bra

This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz A Welcome Distraction From Boring Obama Stories

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The War On Sex Rages On...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 20:30:00 GMT

The War on Sex in this country has never been at more of a fever pitch. Church signs damn lesbians as hellbound. An accidental visit to a website that contains child pornography lands you in trouble with the law. A teacher is jailed, not without cause, for sleeping with a student of legal age. And on and on.

This week, we interview author/sex therapist Dr. Marty Klein, PhD about the State of the War on Sex, what we can expect under a McCain-Palin administration, and how we can win the war...

First, you're a sex therapist. You wrote a book called The War On Sex. In these troubling sexual times, how are you able to have a regular sex life? The people that must come in, with their problems...

Well, I can say this... Every good sex therapist communicates with his or her partner and every good sex therapist knows what they like erotically and is not afraid to communicate it and hopefully enjoys the satisfying consequences.

You say the War on Sex is different than your typical culture war. Can you elaborate on that?

The term culture war implies that there are two sides, like the North and South back in 1861. The truth is is that the War on Sex is really not two sides, equally equipped with opposite agendas. On one side, you have a group of people who just want to be left alone and not force other people to go to nude beaches or have abortions or anything like that. On the other side, you have decency groups... and local, state, and federal government... they not only have their own private agenda, they make it a public one when they tell people how they want them to live. The latest example of this is Sarah Palin: it's not enough that she doesn't want her children to read certain books, she wants to prevent other people in the community from reading those books by removing them from a public library...

Another example is the government in Phoenix, Arizona... even though none of the members of the government had ever gone to any strip clubs and no one had ever complained, they felt that they had to shut them down. The problem isn't too much government, it's the government pursuing a moralistic agenda.

Do the conservatives want to bring us back to the sort-of Puritan era?

You know, it's really unsettling to hear people say we need the government to roll back the rights we've been accumulating over the last century. It's unsettling to hear people say, "All social problems can be traced back to sexuality." Or that sexuality needs to be somehow repressed. There's no data that says our social problems can be traced back to "sex."

You say in your introduction that some people "hate sex." What do you mean by that?

If you listen to some of these groups, like the person Bush asked to run the FDA, you would think that people need to be protected from their own sexuality, that adults need to be prevented from making choices... because those choices might be harmful to those adults. These people tell kids that sex can make them sterile, that sex can make them suicidal, sex is a toxic substance they need to keep away from. And that's just an awful training for young people.

What made you decide to write this book? Was there a final straw?

[Laughs] Well, I've been feeling that way for a while. Anyone who does this kind of counseling is inundated with the shame from people about their own sexuality and the sexuality of their partner. And then watching the Bush Administration dismantle, particularly our rights around reproductive health services and watching the Bush Administration fund religious institutions that were discriminating against sexual minorities and training young people to fear their sexuality, that was a real motivator...

It's just become clear to me that the level of misinformation in the culture about sexuality is no coincidence. It's the result of years of careful programming and massive funding... the kinds of things that make Europeans shake their heads and say, "What's up with those Americans?" Because they do-- they think that about us, and they're right. It's no coincidence all this is going on.

Until this book, no one made the case that it's all connected. The fight against gay rights, the fight against strip clubs, it's all connected: the money and the power is all connected.

You say in the book that the American people can win the War On Sex. How will we win it and how will we know we've won?

Well, I don't think there's going to be a day on which we decide we've won. Basically, it ends when the government decides that it's going to treat privacy issues regarding sexuality that same way it treats other private behavior. Which is that, "We don't care what you do, as long as you don't burn down somebody's house while you're doing it..."

Dr. Klein's book and website here.

Scanner Highs And Lows: Privates And Privacy

Blue Light Special -- On Your Privacy!

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At A Blue Jays Game

Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck

Germans And Poles Are At It Again...

Hero Of The Day: Woman Who Reversed Her Menopause

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 18:58:00 GMT

Margaret Lloyd-Hart was twenty-nine-years-old and going through menopause.

Instead of going childless and suffering through an early so-called "old age," she went and did something about it. Something that kicks major ass: she underwent an experimental ovarian graft procedure and made world history...

What more needs to be said than this, Newsweek's report on the procedure:

Last year surgeons removed Margaret Lloyd-Hart's second ovary after problems with cysts, but the Arizona ballerina, now 30, wasn't ready to give up on fertility. So doctors froze the tissue. With both ovaries gone, she was menopausal. She started hormone-replacement therapy, but was unhappy with side effects. So doctors at New York Methodist Hospital thawed her ovary, threaded strips of it onto a biodegradable "frame," and inserted it near her fallopian tubes. After a whopping dose of hormones, the eggs embedded in her ovarian tissue were back in action: she ovulated and menstruated, a groundbreaking result. Her surgery was the first to restore ovulation through ovarian tissue transplant. Although Lloyd-Hart says she isn't trying to get pregnant, the new technique could one day help other women overcome infertility.

Ah, piece of cake, right? Yep, all in a day's historical work at New York Methodist and Lloyd-Hart walks out with her whole life turned around for the better. "Cocktail, doctor?" "Yes, doctor, why not?"

Lloyd-Hart is the first woman to see her menopause reverse, which is indeed cause for celebration. Even more so is the realization that this woman has had a rough life and this may be the best thing that has happened to her in ages:

The 30-year-old who lives in Arizona, had an ovary removed last year to treat a benign medical condition. Her other ovary had been taken out when she was 17 because of a cyst.
Experts at Leeds and elsewhere were keen to stress that the release of an egg did not mean that Ms Lloyd-Hart could have a successful pregnancy. [However, the] new procedure also opens up the possibility of donor ovaries being transplanted into infertile women.

Well, we're still holding out hope for our girl MLH. Read more at the BBC.

Related:

Mopey Teenagers and Persnickety Doctors Rejoice!

Video of the Day: Thai Doctors Lead The Way in Penis Reattachment

She'd Have Me Wrapped Around Each of Her 20 Fingers

Name That Politician: "A really strong body..."

Can We Ask? Might John McCain Be Section 8?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:35:00 GMT

The following dispatch is from Byron Dafoe, who is filling in this week...

Long since abandoned by the military, “Section 8” was the military designation for a soldier who’d gone a little further off the deep end than allowed. (See also: bat-shit crazy.)

Now, I’m not suggesting that John McCain is crazy, but he has been through some harrowing experiences while rightfully sympathizing with, may have just as rightfully caused him to suffer from PTSD or worse, a complete mental breakdown.

Before I go any further I want to make clear that this is not a hack job. In 2000 I supported John McCain’s bid for the White House and felt then (and every harrowing day since) that the wrong man won the nomination due to Rovian dirty tricks in South Carolina. Though I didn’t know a lot of about him then, it was especially important to me that McCain bucked the party line when logic and reason called for it. Since then he seems to have made a strategic pact with the devil in exchange for his “rightful slot” at the Oval Office. He has lurched so far to the right that he’s even disavowed his own bills.

But this isn’t a question about yet another career politician’s flip flops and moral compromises in order to achieve greater power – that’s to be expected. What no one seems to be asking is far more important: Is John McCain mentally fit to serve as Commander in Chief?

Let’s look at the facts:

1. Captain Jack. Both his grandfather and his father were career Admirals in the Navy. Despite the fact that McCain was a hotshot playboy in the academy who graduated near the bottom of his class, family lineage among naval officers is as common as gunmetal grey on a battle ship. McCain was still on track to follow in the patent leather footsteps of his fathers. Instead he only made the relatively humble rank of Captain before quietly retiring in the early 1980’s.

Long before then, as we all know, McCain was shot down in Vietnam and spent the next five years “tied up,” as he likes to remind us, in a Vietnamese prison camp. He even heroically denied early release, as it would be “out of turn” and ahead of his fellow prisoners.

This courageous decision did not come without cost, however. He was tortured, beaten and literally broken. To this day he suffers from his horrifying physical wounds.

To what extent has he suffered psychological wounds? Close your eyes and try to imagine five long, hard years of torture and isolation. Isn’t it more fantastical to suggest that he didn't suffer psychological scars? The question should be: how deep do these scars run?

2. “Fightin’ John McCain. Second only to his POW experience, John McCain is also famous for his temper. In fact, an Arizona colleague who has worked with him for decades recalls the common joke that McCain has “signed more letters of apology than bills.” The frightening part is that he flips out over and over again. Could this be evidence of a mind that has simply (and perhaps rightfully under the circumstances) short-circuited under so much duress as a prisoner of war?

A Senator’s power is hemmed in by the nature of the office. What will happen when McCain is Commander in Chief and another Georgia unfolds? Will we get the “let’s work together to resolve this” rhetorical McCain or the “let’s kill ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out” losing-his-shit McCain?

3. Medical History. Past reports on McCain’s mental health have been given a cursory look. In 1999 McCain “released” his medical and psychological records but as ‘read only’ a select group of reporters who could not take pictures of the documents. These are not national security letters but the medical evaluations of a man asking to lead a nation. What is there to hide?

His doctors have repeatedly given him a clean bill of health. This is not to be dismissed lightly, but these doctors are also lifelong personal and professional friends. It is too much to ask to request an objective evaluation?

Again – I’m not trying to pull a shafty move on John McCain or question the value of his service to our country. I’m not talking about his patriotism or his age. Both of which should be commended, for it is that patriotism and obvious dedication to America which have led to both his trauma and his triumphant lifetime of public service.

I’m asking only a single, legitimate question: is John McCain of sound mind and body to lead our country?

-Byron Dafoe

Arizona House Candidate Apparently Refuses To Speak English

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 19:03:00 GMT

Is this guy for real?

He's named Juan Valdez (true story), became a citizen of the US in 2007, and has legally changed his first name to John so he can ~~assimilate to the U.S~~. run for political office in the great and open-armed state of Arizona. That's just the lead, people.

Valdez is running aginst two candidates for the Arizona State Legislature in a competitive Democratic primary. During Monday night's Clean Money Clean Elections debate in Phoenix

With aid from an English translator, Valdez proceeded to answer every question the moderator tossed at him—on topics ranging from health care and immigration to neighborhood graffiti—in Spanish.

Despite living in Phoenix for the past 15 years, Valdez, who owns a pool-plastering business, is simply more comfortable speaking his native language, he said.

“This was my first time speaking in front of important people,” Valdez told Insider in English after the hour-long debate. “I thought maybe I would get nervous.”

Now, we're on the left side of the immigration "debate" for sure, but not learning English after a decade and a half of living in Arizona, even if your district speaks it in large numbers, is pure stupidity if you're running for political office. But it gets better, way better:

When asked if his English-language skills would prevent him from being an effective legislator, the 15-year Phoenix resident asked Insider to repeat the question—twice.

Nope, better than that, as a friend notes in an e-mail attached to this story:

Note the extra irony in that AZ has adopted an English Only requirement for official state business, which this was.

However, Juan Valdez (the politician, not the heroic Hispanic rebel and coffee brewer), does have one excuse:

About half of the residents who live in the west-central Phoenix district speak either Spanish and English or only Spanish.

Wouldn't it be great if this guy somehow pulled off an electoral trimuph? Hell, they'd build a border fence around his neighborhood...

Via AZCentral.

UPDATE: Typo in the opening sentence fixed. Valdez became a citizen last year.

It's Time For Some Campaignin'

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 16:37:00 GMT

JibJab's latest video, skewering the '08 election...

New national polls show a crazy scenario: a third-party candidate is threatening to throw the election one way or another and even "safe" states from previous election cycles are in play. Sound familiar? It may happen again, people...

The latest Zogby poll indicates McCain holds a mere three-point lead in Texas, thanks to

Barr’s 6 percent and Nader’s 1 percent

The trick is... Nader didn't make the ballot in Texas. Whoops. Give that point to Obama (or not, it doesn't matter), and Texas is suddenly "Leans GOP" or even "Toss-Up." True, Obama only leads by 4 percent nationally (where even Al Gore commands a 7-point lead as the consensus candidate at the convention and Hillary Clinton is up by 8%), but percentages and national numbers are irrelevant, especially when he appears to take red states away from McCain, including Arizona, the Republican Senator's home state. (Side note: We seriously doubt Obama will win either, especially AZ. He would have to be winning those already, since he's enjoying a huge bounce right now, a bounce that will surely soften soon and tighten the race. A more realistic choice would be in another state entirely.)

Barr’s greatest impact this year might be in Georgia, where he is well-known and could draw a fair number of votes, especially as Obama works to ramp up support among the state’s sizable population of black voters, Buchanan said.
"Ordinarily, a Democrat can’t expect to do much good" in Georgia, Buchanan said. "But with Barr drawing off white Republicans, it could make a difference."

More on this story, via The Star-Telegram.

This Week in Gayness: Gay Men Overdoing It?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 16:20:00 GMT

A story that may make you believe in a higher power, looking down and laughing at the stupids: In Arizona yesterday, a bill that would have put a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage fell in the Senate... by one vote. According to Lee Bolin of the LGBT Caucus:

Karen Johnson, the Republican who missed the vote, is so right-wing that she was a Buchanan delegate at the 1996 Republican National Convention. She must be gnashing her teeth right about now.

We should send her our thanks... although that might antagonize her enough to put this thing back up for a vote. Oh well, let's just enjoy it while it lasts.

The retirement of Republican State Senate Majority Leader Joe Bruno of New York could put gay marriage in play again in the state.

Have anything against South Carolina? Some people do now. A man was killed by a blow to the head-- a gay man, that is-- and his killer got three years in jail. As some legal experts put it, in South Carolina, this was the best that could be done under the law, since the jury convicted him only of involuntary manslaughter, which carries a maximum penalty of five years in jail.

An Oklahoma judge is fighting a new rule that would prevent him from belonging to an organization that "discriminates based on sexual preferences."

And the headline of the week, via Gay/Lesbian News: Newly Out Gay Man Overdoing It?

Go The Extra Yard: Join Team Schmuck

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 21:00:00 GMT

There are so many jokes that we could trot out right now (i.e. "Hell, all politicians are schmucks, why not a real Schmuck?")

A candidate for Arizona legislator is finding that his supporters are having their yard signs stolen in alarmingly high numbers. True, typical elections feature some degree of vandalism and theft, but Frank Schmuck's campaign posters are disappearing faster than he can print them...

Schmuck, a decorated Gulf War veteran and Air Force Academy graduate, wondered why people are focusing on his signs....

"You're not stealing from Frank Schmuck, you're stealing from the public," he said.

While funny, this quote from the candidate is actually true. Arizona has a public financing law that enables candidates to buy in before the primary and, in this case, spend the bulk of their windfall on lawn signs.

As one local told us: "We see his signs everywhere. It's hard to keep from laughing when driving past." Watch out, Arizona, some schmuck is causing accidents all over the place...

P.S. According to Wikipedia, in case you didn't know: "Schmuck entered English as a borrowed word from Yiddish, where it is an obscene term literally meaning a foreskin or head of a penis, and an insult."

Visit Team Schmuck online.

Arizona May Go Gay For Ban on Gay Marriage

Katie Halper — Tue, 13 May 2008 17:21:00 GMT

When state statute bans on gay marriage aren't quite anti-gay enough, go for a constitutional amendment!

Arizona law already bans gay marriage. But, because the threat of gay marriage is so scary, some Arizonans (including two "with Democrats like these who needs Republicans?" Dems) want to rewrite the state constitution-- just in case.

Here's the story.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Finders Keepers, Finders Weepers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Oh, the things you'll learn!

HIGHS:

We found porn on Wikipedia.

We found a picture of a very sexy carrot.

We found out about... sommmmeeboddyy'sss birthdaaay!

We discovered a secret pantie run at ASU. Okay, it couldn't have been that secret if hundreds of Arizonians were ready with their cameras when it went down.

We uncovered the ancient art of the VHS tape.

We revealed the identity of Minnie Driver's baby daddy. And no, she's not "fucking Matt Damon."

We learned that homosexuality is a whopping 140 years old!

We began a new contest after finding one of the great dive bars.

LOWS:

We uncovered a Google Map pertaining to the sexual conquests of an individual unfortuantely named "Igor."

We found out that Grey's Anatomy is resorting to raunchy lesbian sex to keep its ratings up. Shame on them?

We discovered the Ugly Models Agency is not really all that bad. It makes us feel ugly, in fact.

Our eyes burned after learning about anal from Spencer Pratt.

We mourned the wonderful news of Scarlett Johansson's enagement.

IN-BETWEENS:

We learned the identity of the owner of a famous third nipple. Actually, everyone cheated by reading the name of the celebrity off the title of the photo. Whoops!

And we learned about America's most sexually satisfying cities. None of them are near us, damn it.

Giant Rooftop Penis Offends Some, Amuses Many

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 19:05:00 GMT

Say a giant penis is painted on the roof of a house during a bachelor party, and no one ever sees it. Does it really exist?

Some neighbors say "enh" and others are disturbed by the giant "male sex organ" friends painted on the roof of an Arizona man's house during his bachelor party six months ago. The home owner, Ryan Walker, didn't even know it was there until his local news station alerted him.

Neighbors on his street in north Phoenix also said they had no idea it was there, and were shocked to hear about it. "That was a little eye opener," said Darnell Whitfield. "It was like a hit of coffee or something in the face. A penis on the roof. I was like huh? Are you serious?
The City of Phoenix said the issue would be taken up by the Neighborhood Services Department only if someone were to make a complaint. In that case they said they would handle it like graffiti and ask the homeowner to remove it. Walker said he will probably paint over it anyway, because he's a neighborly kind of guy.

[AZCentral: Obscene drawing on roof of house causing a stir]