Fox News Wants You To Have Sex... Greener Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 22:34:00 GMT

We're often discussing ways to reconcile our need for unrestrained, raunchy sex with our boring ol' environmentalism. Sometimes we've even gotten specific about ways our love lives have evolved in a more socially-conscious era. But we not as specific as the recent Fox News piece "11 Ways to Make Your Sex Life 'Greener.'"

Wait, Fox News is leading the eco-friendly sexual revolution? Now, this we gotta see...

Here are the 11 Ways, according to FNC Sexpert Yvonne K. Fulbright, a smarty-pants name if we've ever heard it (just kidding-- it's impossible to successfully mock a pompous byline when your own last name is Fairbanks.)

1. Organic Lubricants 2. Bamboo Sheets 3. Eco-Lingerie 4. Environmentally Friendly Condoms 5. Sustainable Wooden Paddles 6. Phthalate-Free Vibrators 7. Certified Fair Trade Chocolate 8. Local Flowers 9. Sex Kits 10. Organic Wine 11. DivaCup

Nothing extraordinary, but perhaps more comprehensive than many similar lists we've personally created on Scanner. But one thing stuck with us-- this seemed all too familiar. Look at a post on the TakePart blog:

1) Sustainably Sexy Lingerie 2) Vegan Condoms 3) Natural Lubricants 4) Spank Me! 5) Organic Massage Oils 6) Solar Vibrator 7) Twisted Monk Bondage Starter Kit 8) Smart Balls 9) Fun in the Tub 10) Fair Trade Aphrodisiacs

No one's accusing Fox of plagairzing our friends at the socially-conscious TakePart, but why would we listen to Fox News, a network that tells us sex is a shameful practice yet has no problem milking stories about it for monetary gain? Why would we listen to a conservative "news" source, a proudly "red state" institution after it was revealed that people in states that heavily regulate sexual activity spend more money on porn than those in more liberal areas?

Perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves. But the point is-- why would anyone care what Fox News thinks is greener sex when we have a liberal list that includes gems like this:

Have you been a baaaad environmentalist? Forget to recycle that take-out container last night? Bend over and take your punishment like a good little greenie with this classic wooden paddle made with materials from a sustainable source by a fair trade project in India.

Suck my Smart Balls, Murdoch.

We'll spare you our revolutionary #12 idea, which has something to do with the "WTF?!" photo seen here...

Top image via. The TakePart blog post is here; Fox's is here.

Related:

Bedpost Beta Will Make You Feel Like The Slut You Really Are

Calling All Vintage Vibrators

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

Some of Our Lovers Could've Done Used the Love Trainer Device...

If Your Date Orders Caviar, Almond-Covered Truffles, And Ginger Beer... Now You Know Why

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 19:58:00 GMT

Aphrodisiacs have always been the Viagra of the romantics, which is probably why so many people waste their time trying them out when none of them actually work. (Of course, although neither one is truly 100% effective, at least one of them can be very tasty.)

Nonetheless, when the iVillage blog Sex On My Desk wrote about them a while back, we decided we'd see if we could find other aphrodisiacs that worked... while, um, not actually getting around to trying any of them ourselves...

Here's what Sex on My Desk talked about:

1) Caviar. Ennh-- no.

2) Truffles. Why, yes, Room Service... you wouldn't happen to have any... truffles... would you? Oh no, there's no one in the room with me...

3) Oysters. Any excuse to eat oysters, particularly if it's Tuesday's All-You-Can-Eat Oyster night on the Lower East Side of Manhattan...

4) Espresso. This one has to be psychological-- you do a jolt of this stuff, you'll have some get up and go! It just makes sense that you'd be able to convince yourself you're in the mood.

5) Garlic. Um, we don't think any significant other has particularly enjoyed sex with us after we've eaten an everything bagel.

6) Chocolate. Actually, this one has been hotly debated for years. Emphasis on hotly, since we've had close friends admit it worked.

7) Bananas. Well, depending on whether you're in the mood for a blow job, this one only works when you watch someone eat it...

They forgot strawberries (well, chocolate covered ones work) andgrapes-- which Jack the Ripper may have used to either a) lure pros into his carriage or b) to turn them on... or both. Also, when we were in San Juan, Puerto Rico back in the day, we ate at Ostra Cosa on our birthday because it was supposed to give its patrons incredible sex... via its dishes. Unfortunately, their logic is that the spicier their food, the more sex you have... when, in fact, their scale of 'Oh!'' to ''Wow!!'' to ''Ay Ay Ay!!!'' was actually a reference to your exclamations on your first, second, and third trips to the bathroom.

What else? Can anyone seriously claim aphrodisiacs, especially specific ones, have worked for them?

Via Sex on My Desk.

Related:

Scanner : aphrodisiacs

Fox News Wants You To Have Sex... Greener Sex

Bedpost Beta Will Make You Feel Like The Slut You Really Are

Calling All Vintage Vibrators

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

Some of Our Lovers Could've Done Used the Love Trainer Device...

If Your Date Orders Caviar, Almond-Covered Truffles, And Ginger Beer... Now You Know Why

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

Today in Food Porn: The Bacon Bra

Gwyneth Paltrow and Mario Batali Are Costars in Randomness

It's Official: Denny's Designs Food For Drunks, By Drunks

Whoever Stole the Rhino Horns: We Need Them Back, M'kay?

Scanner Survey: Sexy Food