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Fox News Wants To Sex You Up

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 19:58:00 GMT

Ah, yes, it's time to check in with the Sex Advice Column You All Love To Hate, mainly because it happens to be on FoxNews.com, features a non-manufactured cute doctor as its host, and was probably written in less time than it takes to read the posts we make fun of it in...

This week's column is entitled 7 Ways To Sex Up Your Partner's Libido. (#1 would be: "Have a threesome and leave the room when it starts.") Here's our breakdown of her bullet points:

1. Entice your partner with orgasm exploration. Believe it or not, you can have different kinds of orgasms, not just "good ones" and "I can tell that wasn't real."

2. Incorporate fantasy throughout the day. Send your partner a link to NaughtyAmerica.com and say, "Can we do that tonight?" Of course, it would help if the recipient of this e-mail were a guy.

3. Stay connected when you do have sex. "Don’t make sex about physical gratification alone. Truly worship your lover and hail the lovemaking as a celebratory experience ― one you can’t get enough of." Her words, not ours, but we have to say... "worship..." "hail [it] as a celebratory experience" should only be attempted by the best of actors.

4. Keep things novel and spicy in and out of the bedroom. In other words, get back in that kitchen and fix me a chicken pot pie. Or something.

5. Look your best. And you thought Fox News was going to tell you, "It's okay to be frumpy once you're married?" Remember, these are the same people who think Sarah Palin is a role model.

6. Engage in verbal foreplay. "I want you to do the dishes" and "Is it all right if I call you Antonio when we do it later?" don't count.

7. Consider how you size up sexual satisfaction. "Does sex always have to end in intercourse?" Female answer: "No." Male answer: "I thought sex was intercourse."

Read Yvonne K. Fulbright's actual talking points here.

This Week in Sex: We Couldn't Stuff It All In

Top 5 Sex Scenes Starring Angelina Jolie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 20:29:00 GMT

While compiling last week's Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies, we started to realize 1) Angelina Jolie is in a boatload of action movies, 2) Angelina Jolie is naked in a boatload of action movies and 3) Angelina Jolie is naked in a boatload of movies...

5. The Good Shepherd. Angelina Jolie is the only total stranger we can think of who could somehow keep us turned on after demanding to know if we love her. Angie, please, we'd like you to learn our middle name and take a test on the Baltimore Colts first, okay?

4. Foxfire. This here's more of a slumber party sequence than a sex scene, but you won't be complaining. By the way, this is what every guy, aged 8 to 108, imagines women are doing when there are no boners around.

3. Original Sin. We're pretty sure Antonio Banderas does all these softcore porn flicks to get away from that nut Melanie Griffith, although it's hard to imagine any straight guy turning down a script that includes this scene. [By the way, for some reason the volume on this scene is much higher than our other clips. Sorry about that.]

2. Taking Lives. There are some technical problems with the sound in this vi-- oh, who's paying any attention to the bland dialogue and storyline of this movie anyway? Here are two sex scenes for the price of one. And ladies, that's your favorite up-and-comer Gerard Butler in the buff in scene two, which is actually (apparently) from Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

1. Gia. It's possible you could get away with a Top 5 Sex Scenes Just From The TV Movie Gia, All Featuring Angelina Jolie list, especially if you include this as two separate sex scenes-- in the first, Angie has sex with a fence; in the second, she continues to nail the fence, while also including Lost's Elizabeth Mitchell in the action. Good Lord, it must be Friday...

You can check out more Jolie-Mitchell action from Gia in this clip.

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The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 10-6

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:26:00 GMT

We know we've bombarded you with sex scenes today, but it's Friday, and you deserve some relief.

And so we continue our list of The Sexiest Movies of All-Time with the first half of the Top 10...

10. 9 1/2 Weeks. The older guys in the neighborhood bragged about having seen this movie five times in one week. Obviously, they kept going back to the local one-screen movie house because of this film's naughty sex scenes. [NSFW clip.]

9. Y Tu Mama Tambien. This is one of the few films we've ever seen willing to admit that sex is almost always disappointing for straight women. Sorry, it's just the facts (which state that 60% of women are dissatisfied with sex, while 60% of men think they are great lovers.) Strangely enough, this also made it a great date movie-- the movie sets such a low bar for your post-DVD adventures that you're bound to have a memorable roll in the hay later on. Ana López Mercado and Gael García Bernal? The most underrated couple of the century so far. [NSFW clip.]

8. The Graduate. "Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?" They tried, they really tried, to make Anne Bancroft appear old, haggard, and Cleopatra-looking. They failed-- but not without success of a different kind-- she's still just as appealing as ever, when she was busy playing a seductress in forgotten Marilyn Monroe movies and other TCM staples. You may have forgotten how hot movies could be when they just allowed the actors to dance around each other in late-night awkwardness...

7. Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down. How the hell do you make a rape fantasy movie this believable while keeping it sexy? You have Pedro Almodovar at the helm... and put together an incredibly desirable Spanish cast and try to keep things from become too absurd. Did it work? You be the judge.

6. The Summer of '42. It seems obvious now that Hollywood studios would line up to finance a cheap and tasteful coming of age sex drama, complete with a teenage boy's deflowering at the hands of the neighborhood goddess, but you have to remember that in 1971, there was no Porky's, Meatballs, or even-- gasp-- American Pie 2. The film, of course, was one of the most successful of the decade and went on to be imitated to near death. Near death.

SUMMER OF 42

Previously:

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 20-11

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 30-21

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 40-31

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

While You Were Sleeping: The Lapdancers And The Prime Minister

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

A New England Patriots cheerleader was booted from the squad after Facebook pictures showed her drawing penises and swastikas on a passed-out girl's body.

The New York Times wants you to know that stretching before exercise is actually a bad idea.

And so it begins... check out what this Floridian DJ did to "celebrate" Obama's victory...

Mark Larsen, who is white, dressed in blackface makeup at the start of his show.
“This gives me that Uncle Tom feel,” said Larsen, who also joked about changing his name to Marcus Washington Larsen. “Are you sure this comes off? Because I don’t feel like running for president.”

Before Tuesday’s election, Larsen talked about seeing a long line of black people waiting to vote at a Tampa Bay area polling place, saying they “looked like the line for takeout at Big Tim’s Barbecue” in St. Petersburg. And shortly after putting on the blackface makeup Wednesday, he told a caller he presumed to be black that “You love (America) because you have a man of color going to the White House. Before that, you probably were a malcontent." [Tampabay.com]

Lost in all the election hoopla yesterday: Massachusetts decriminalized marijuana of less than one ounce.

Why do we get the feeling this is going to be terrible? Antonio Banderas may be playing Salvador Dali.

Even these exotic dancers were unable to get the British Prime Minister's attention.

And Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling are over... are you reading this, Scanner Emily?

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From the 1990s

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 20:25:00 GMT

This could've been a Top 5 Scenes with Antonio Banderas list, he was in so many sexy movies after Mambo Kings broke him in America... but we'll spare you that and only use a few of his films for this, our totally incomplete list of the hottest sex in mainstream movies in the decade that time forgot...

5. Desperado. We're tempted to make an Eagles joke here (something about "coming to your senses and just enjoy the sex for what it is"), but we won't put this one down. Despite the cheesy Cinemax lighting and softcore porn music, it's still memorable... which says more about Salma Hayek's boobs than anything else...

4. Never Talk To Strangers. Here's Antonio again, just coincidentally, we swear. If it wasn't for the cage, this sex scene would be totally laughable. Well, we'll admit it's still eyeroll-enducing... but that never stopped us from enjoying it in all its three-minute glory.

3. The Doom Generation. Although this video is strangely without sound, it's much better than the other clips we've been able to find. (Try searching on YouTube and you'll get the bathtub scene coupled with a Nine Inch Nails song that doesn't help.)

2. Wild At Heart. This is David Lynch's award-winning creeper from the early part of the decade. Would it be redundant then, since we mentioned it's a Lynch film, to mention the sex scene is arousing and somehow weird without even trying?

Video plays automatically, so it's linked here. Don't miss it.

1. Basic Instinct. This is the unrated version of the most famous sex scene of the decade, a version we find surprisingly less appealing. In the interest of full disclosure: this is the best sex scene of all-time. Period. And Howard Stern agrees, so it's not just me...

Runner Ups: Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down (would have made this list if we could've found the scene online), Revenge, Sliver (nah), and a few more from the comments section of this post (have at it.)

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:04:00 GMT

If we've learned anything from Hollywood, it's that 30 seconds of sex is enough for people to endure two hours of terrible moviemaking. (Then again, as in the case of The Girl Next Door, if you promise an "unrated" sex movie and deliver no nudity, barely any sex, and two hours of complete crap? You will pay.)

Here are five of our favorites we haven't been able to forget... all from movies we wish we could...

5. Basic Instinct 2. This sex scene is not even in the Top 200 of Good Sex Scenes From Bad Movies, mainly because it's not a good sex scene. It looks like the film was sped up to make it look rougher, faster, and hotter. It only serves to make it look even more idiotic. We're including it here for comic relief. (The clip we're referring to starts at about 1:20.)

4. Friday the 13th. The original put all my friends to sleep at a late-night slumber party when we were kids-- it's that scary. Rent Black Christmas (the original) or even Halloween (also the original) and you'll do much better. But we like this nice little sex scene all the same...

[Click here to watch this scene-- video on autoplay]

3. Reindeer Games. Even Charlize Theron admits this movie sucks. But who doesn't want to see her naked?

2. The Doors. No matter what you think of Oliver Stone and Jim Morrison, you have to admit combining the two should be brilliant... or, at least, the right pairing for a movie. Too bad Stone focused on nothing but the debauchery and made a pointless movie that offered nothing new or interesting about the late singer. That doesn't mean we don't love this ridiculous and ultimately sexy sex scene:

[Click here to watch this scene-- video on autoplay]

1. Original Sin. If not for this "action" sequence, no one would remember Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas' theatrical turd. This is the longest scene on this list and the one most likely to have ended up on Skinemax if not for the presence of A-list stars... it's more than 2 minutes long, complete with an obnoxious orchestral score, and is about as soft-core as it gets. Enjoy.

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Spank Me/It: The Nastiest Sex Scenes Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 18:49:00 GMT

You ever see a sex scene that turns you on and repulses you at the same time?

5. Maggie Gyllenhaal in "Secretary." Easily the #1 "Hottest on-screen sex scene" for females on Nerve personals, this would be way sexier for us dudes if Maggie Gyllenhaal was, um, actually hot. Nevertheless, this ends up being nasty in a good way, whereas we're not so sure about the rest of this list...

4. Speaking of Maggie, her whorish manueverings in "Sherrybaby" more than make up for her lack of hotness. The sex scenes in this 2006 indie downer are definitely guilty pleasures, as Jake's sis offers up a quid pro quo blow that turns us on and makes us feel guilty for it at the same time. Here's Gyllenhaal discussing the exhausting process of making the film, as if you care. And because this is what you really want, here are the boobies.

3. "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me"-- remember this one? If you've seen the movie, you already know this refers to Laura Palmer getting nailed in her sleep by a mysterious figure and waking up to find out it's, barf, her Dad.

2. Carrie Fisher in "Return of the Jedi." We realized this when we saw the new posters for Spike's "Star Wars" marathon; Fisher is featured on one of them. It reminded us that seeing her chained to The Blob, i.e. Pizza the Hut, was majorly hot to us from age 8 through 26. Watch a montage here and remember why it gave you a funny feeling you didn't know you could have, way back in 1983.

1. "Tie Me Up Tie Me Down." Even the title of this Almodovar kink classic is erotic. Antonio Banderas, very pre-Melanie, kidnaps the object of his affections and lashes her to the bed. She realizes, partway through her ordeal, that he's Antonio Banderas and that maybe she wanted this after all. Once again, kind of nasty and erotic and repulsive in that "Talk To Her" kind of way (only way less offensive this time), Almodovar has a knack for turning us on and making us question whether we should be getting turned on. (Key line: "The only thing they left alone was my cock.")

Other nominees for nastiest sex scene ever included:

"Storytelling" (heartless, repulsive sex with your professor)
"Requim For A Dream" (2 girls + 1 toy)
"The Piano" (sex with Harvey Keitel in return for Oscar nomination?)
"My Beautiful Laundrette" (only nasty if you're some sort of homophobe who wouldn't normally get turned on by a young Daniel Day Lewis tearing some guy apart just because it's a guy instead of Lena Olin)
Natassja Kinski tied to a bed, having very hot sex, trying to keep her claws from coming out and tearing her boyfriend apart in "Cat People."

Hottest/Worst Contest: Now Rise for Your King and Queen

sarahhepola — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 16:25:00 GMT

That red smoke from the Vatican chimney can mean only one thing: We have a winner — winners, actually — in our Hottest Performance in Worst Movie contest. As Scanner Sarah noted earlier today, Milla Jovovich was an early favorite for her work in the Resident Evil series, where she manages to look smashing in nearly every zombie-slash-exposition-laden scene. But we couldn't pull the trigger on Milla because, let's face it, Resident Evil ain't all that bad. You got guns, guts, ghouls... Plenty of stuff other than Milla to distract you from the shabby filmmaking. And we're not looking for someone who simply looks great in the middle of TBS-level mediocrity here; we're looking for performances of such boner-inducing appeal that they make us sit through two hours of pure, uncut awfulness.

Which means that the winners, by some distance, are Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas in the 2001 erotic period piece (yeesh!) Original Sin.

This movie’s pretty much a perfect shit storm: Its hotness is egalitarian and historic, as it features Skinemax action between both Antonio at the end of what might be called his Desperado years, and Angie before she got classy and baby-hungry. It's almost universally recognized as badbadbad, receiving a 12% on rottentomatoes.com. And the humorless, gauzy filmmaking and laughable attempts at suspense are excruciating when there aren’t boobs and butts a-heavin’. Plus, with its colonial setting, it has aims at historic relevance that make Mandingo look like Amistad. So bravo to reader Sandra Miller for ever sitting through such a wretched film and living to tell the tale. Sandra, be sure to drop us a line with your address, and alert Homeland Security that the apparatus we'll be sending you is a massage device for your bursitis, and not, in fact, something nice for your cha-cha.

Oh, and thaler — good call on Resident Evil 2. Is that the hottest gay subtext in a movie ever or what? Hmmm... Does anyone smell another contest? — Bryan Christian