Scanner : aliens

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

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Some People Just Don't Understand How Aliens, Orgies and Obama Go Together

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 15:41:00 GMT

Damnit! We were so busy moving we missed Global Orgasm Day. Not that we'd have done much about it if we'd remembered; we were on the road with Dad.

Unfortunately, we're not the only ones who missed out on the Global-O. A group in Israel had to cancel its giant orgy after receiving multiple threats.

The orgy, set to take place in Tel Aviv, was organized by the Raelian movement—a religion founded on the belief that humankind was created by aliens—and organizers expected at least 250 people of all sexual orientations to participate. But at the last minute, the party was canceled due to public pressure and threats on the owner of the venue where it was to all go down.

The event was part of Global Orgasm Day, which exists to "to effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible instantaneous surge of human biological, mental and spiritual energy."

This particular GOD, according to its organizers, was celebrating the election of Barack Obama and "the hope for change that he has stirred in our hearts." And yes, they mentioned the "Global OOObama Facbor."

Exactly 36 Hours Until the Global-O

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U.S. Fighter Pilot Admits To Engaging U.F.O. In 1957

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:42:00 GMT

Is this a photo of a UFO... or a game of Ultimate Frisbee?

You may have noticed that we don't talk about UFOs or report sightings and other supposed evidence as news on Scanner.

However, when mainstream media outlets start running epic stories about Cold War-era pilots coming out of retirement to discuss shooting down alien spacecraft, it's time to explore...

"I shall never forget it," he told the Times. "On that night I was ordered to open fire even before I had taken off. That had never happened before."

That's retired American pilot Milton Torres talking about an incident in May 1957 when he was ordered to shoot down a UFO and told never, under penalty of treason, to discuss the incident with anyone. Torres, 77 and now living in Miami, is apparently no longer afraid of G-men... or aliens:

His story was among dozens of UFO sightings in defence ministry files released at the National Archives in London.

In a written account, Torres described how he scrambled his F-86 D Sabre jet in calm weather from the Royal Air Force base at Manston, Kent in May 1957.

"I was only a lieutenant and very much aware of the gravity of the situation. I felt very much like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest," he said.

"The order came to fire a salvo of rockets at the UFO. The authentication was valid and I selected 24 rockets.

"I had a lock-on that had the proportions of a flying aircraft carrier," he added. "The larger the airplane, the easier the lock-on. This blip almost locked itself."

At the last moment, the object disappeared from the radar screen and the high-speed chase was called off.

He returned to base and was debriefed the next day by an unnamed man who "looked like a well-dressed IBM salesman."

UFO expert David Clarke noted that the object may have been the decoy in a Western program trying to test Soviet air capabilities... or a UFO. What do you think? Are these saucers from outer space or... weather balloons? Or what?

Via Yahoo/Reuters. The UK National Archives on UFOs can be found here.

Related:

Quit Yer Grinnin' and Drop Your Linen, 'Cause the Aliens Are Probably Here

While You Were Sleeping: David Duchovny Can't Keep It Together

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

"Paris Hilton's Vagina Bites Penguin" And Other Classic Celebrity Spam Headlines

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:17:00 GMT

Mainly because it's Friday and we're burnt out from a romantic concert by Dean & Britta last night, we found this Top 10 List of Celebrity Spam bizarrely hilarious...

10) Britney Spears Admits “My Vagina Made Me Shave My Head Bald”
9) Angelina Jolie’s Lips Explode
8) Sarah Jessica Parker Arrested For Gross Negligee
7) Britney Spears Shoots Down American Spy Satellite With Her Vagina
6) Angelina Jolie Set To Destroy Own Vagina
5) Britney Spears: “Yes, I tried to suck the shine off a bumper”
4) BREAKING NEWS: Mike Tyson To Fight Michael Jackson (oh, please, let this be true!)
3) LiLo heartbroken as Diana’s Butler beds Winehouse
2) Paris Hilton Becomes Nun
1) Aliens Deny Impregnating Paris Hilton

Also: Paris Hilton's Vagina Bites Penguin, Britney Spears Is Actually A Piece Of Broccoli, Britney Spears Applies For Barack Obama Masseuse Job, Britney Spears Recording New Album - Forgotten How To Sing (unfortunately, this one's probably not true), Paris Hilton Dogs Paris Hilton With Lawsuit, Britney Spears Not Bipolar - New World Order Conspiracy Afoot, Paris Hilton denies screwing Ron Paul, Paris Hilton: "I'm Still A Summer Virgin," and Aliens Kidnapped By Michael Jackson. (We're taking it they meant "Alien Babies...")

A couple of these were not celebrity-related, but too good to pass up. MSNBC: Couple Plans Breakup In 2009 and BREAKING NEWS: "I Ate All The Pies," Man Confesses.

Several of these are taken from this post.

Related:

Somebody Wants To Invade Our Vaginas

Top 10 Spam Euphemisms For Your Small Willy

Security Breach Means More Spam For Porn Customers

I Made It Into Spam; Now I Can Die A Happy Man

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Was Nicole Kidman Ever Really Pregnant?

Ina Maier — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 20:40:00 GMT

Seriously! There is no human explanation for how a woman who popped out a fully formed being less than two weeks ago is able to look like this.

This is Nicole at over 7 months pregnant, and well, yesterday. White, low-rise, skinny jeans?

We'd say congratulations on the new baby but we're too busy wondering about the physical logistics of this transformation. The only answer we can come up with either involves Tom Cruise and aliens, or that there was never any baby. Either of which might explain why they rejected the big bucks for baby photos. Some of you might say that's good parenting, we say: are you fucking kidding me?

Sloppy Seconds: Fake Gynecologist

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 20:48:00 GMT

Tourists in Times Square decided the winner of the Toilet Paper Wedding Dress contest. [CNN]

Amy Winehouse does not have TB, is still in the hospital, and will make a disastrous toast to "my Blake, incarcerated" while performing live next week. [MTV]

We wish we'd thought of this first: ten memorable American political sex scandals. [Digg]

Leave it to the Japanese to go where no man has gone before: alien planet conquest. [Reuters]

Wouldn't it be nice to marry Angelina Jolie in France, then jet to Italy with Edward Norton to see Radiohead? Top that weekend, yo. [Starpulse]

A millionaire, married with a pregnant wife and five children, has been busting for illegally playing doctor with some Park Avenue women. [Strollerderby]

An Ohio Indiana Jones may have to serve up to five years in prison for moving... a rock. [reddit]

Please tell us this is a fake: Ali Lohan to launch movie career with the lead role in a new production. [Starpulse]

And the founder of the Erotic Review, which ranks experiences with prostitues on a scale of 1 to 10, may be going to jail. [NYT}

Five Things Women Think They Know About Men (But They're Wrong)

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 19:00:00 GMT

At the risk of turning into Cosmo for the day, we're going to set the record straight about some things, since all of them are getting out of hand.

5) We are freaked out if you want to cook us dinner... on the second date. Back when Washington was copping his first feel under the cherry tree (ah, young love), it was not frowned upon for a woman being courted for marriage to prepare a meal for her chaperoned suitor. This trend, it seems, peaked most especially in the 1950s, arguably one of America's most conservative eras. So why is it that women these days are afraid of cooking so early on in a "courtship?" The country has grown ever more progressive, yet small tokens of affection have increasingly been put off to a more secure point in the relationship. If you find yourself dating a guy who might balk at a minuscule hint at romance on the second date, get out now.

4) Wanting to have a serious conversation in bed, especially after sex, is acceptable. We know it's been a long day, you worked late, and this our first chance to talk. Too bad-- wait till the next opportunity to bring up your unintended pregnancy, marriage plans (for me!), and anything else with the exception of STD's. Yes, after sex is a great time to bring those up... or, you know... before, whichever's more convenient for you.

3) Men love breast implants. And we can tell, ladies, because your boobs don't move-- and part of the appeal of boobs is that they can move. But more importantly than that, it's a real turnoff to learn a) you're seriously lacking self-confidence and b) you think you'll attract more/better mates with those things. You won't. Which kind of guys do you think are more likely to appreciate fake tits? Confident, successful, "keepers" or keg-standing douches? (Remember, kids: organic beats processed any day.)

2) The thinner, the better. Ladies, skinny or otherwise, it's not a biggie (really), but when we start to pay more attention to your ribcage and vertebrae than your hypnotic eyes and sensational personality, we will force a waffle cone of rocky road ice cream on you. You'll thank us for it when you realize how much healthier it is to avoid looking as grossly thin as Paris Hilton.

1) Men give a rat's bunghole what shoes you're wearing. Certainly not unless they are gnarly flip-flops exposing even gnarlier toes or a pair of hot high heels. If you asked us what our girlfriend's shoe closet looks like, we will look at you like you are a martian or, worse, a Ron Paul supporter.

Feel free to add numbers six and up in the comments...

I Love Myself for Hating You: Outer Space

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 21:42:00 GMT

Lately, Scanner has been showing love to a lot of hateful people and things (ahem--Hayden Panty-Lines?? Serious?). But it's time to get the Haterade out of the fridge and take a long drink. See, we've forgotten what we're really here for: to shit on things that other people mistakenly tolerate or enjoy. Today, that thing is outer space and, strangely enough, conception in outer space.

This article (which is probably one of the best articles we've ever read, by the way), discusses two things that Scanner Nicole hopes never to be: pregnant and in space. Getting knocked up while in space is pretty much the last thing she wants to happen to her. So while we're on the topic, and in case you haven't already had the pleasure of listening to her "material" on space, we'll give you the abbreviated version:

Space is a fucking waste of money and resources. We know more about space than about the ocean floor and the ocean floor is ON PLANET EARTH. Space is lonely and boring and cold and the food sucks. Sure stars are pretty, but they look just like planes flying overhead and at least planes are useful.

So, you ask, how can this be the best article you've ever read if it concerns itself with such a terrible, horrible thing-- a thing you absolutely hate hearing about and wish would just disappear? Well, it's because of lines like these:

"The biggest problem is how to conceive, because liquid cannot be spilt under the condition of weightlessness."

"But they do not need a bed in space. They can love each other in the air."

"And what will come out of that? As soon as he touches her, she will fly away in the opposite direction. A bed or at least some fastening device on a wall is more likely to be used."

“Is astronauts’ sexual need taken into consideration during long-term flights?”

“Certainly. In space men exercise on treadmills. In addition, they can theoretically masturbate too. But they should not forget about condoms or other containers, otherwise drop of sperm will be flying chaotically in the cabin and they will have to collect it."

We have not cherry-picked these quotations. They're continuous. See, we love this article because it confirms what we've always suspected: Getting it on in space sucks. Similarly, we enjoy the movie Alien because it clarifies that being in space involves a lot of slime and parasitic alien/human relationships.

Scanner Nicole understands that some people do not agree that space is terrible. Therefore, she speaks only on behalf of Scanner Nicole and not for Scanner Bryan, Brian, or Emily. Trust us, she realizes this is an unpopular opinion and that it makes her seem like hater and a cave girl. She doesn't care.

Assquatch Art Makes Us Proud to Be Alive

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 20:26:00 GMT

We're not going to get cute with this one. We're not going to trick you, or tease you, or make any shitty puns. We're just going to come out with it.

These are alien heads sculpted from deer ass.

Right. You'll need a minute to let that sink in. It's OK, really. If you're anything like us, a lot has probably changed for you as you realize that someone, somewhere has immortalized the noble American pastimes of deer hunting and alien sighting together, in art. It's a deep and deeply beautiful thing, and we know better than to sully the moment with any of our cheap sass.

A well-respected deer butt artist fills us in on the tricks of the trade after the jump:

Many people say that the real red neck art is the shaping of the deer anus to look like a mouth.

This is the true test of the artists loving hand.

The anus can be made very simple, or you can stretch the anus for realistic effects such as smiles and frowns.

In general, the leading deer butt artists concentrate on the details of the mouth.