Scanner : alabama

Sloppy Seconds: Elisha Cuthbert Survives Harrowing Hit-And-Run

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:36:00 GMT

In Iraq, they have shoe-throwers. In America, egg-tossers.

Jenna Haze was named the porn performer of the year. [NSFW]

Heidi Klum is pregnant with that ba(l)d singer's fourth child.

Elisha Cuthbert survived a hit-and-run driver, thanks to her training for 24. A crazy New York driver (sorry for the double negative) nearly ran her down one recent evening, but she survived by jumping onto the hood. Actually, her story is kind of confusing, mainly because no one seems to know where these out-of-context quotes came from.

The Pay It Forward movement has taken over a couple of Alabama coffee shops.

Maybe it is possible to die of a broken heart: a couple married for over 67 years end up dying just a few hours apart.

Here's proof the right-wingers are completely insane. (We don't have anybody this nutty on our side.)

And Bruno edited itself down to an R-rating. Yay for Unrated DVDs!

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Smile, or You'll Get Divorced

Spanking Judge Is Going To Have A Rough Ride in Prison...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:25:00 GMT

An Alabama gent named Herman Thomas, known in the national news as "The Spanking Judge," was finally charged on Friday with a whopping 57 counts, including extortion, sodomy, kidnapping, and a host of ethics violations. Several hours later, Thomas was out on bond and told to have no contact with young people.

So... how did ex-Judge Herman Thomas get his nickname?

According to various source, Thomas is accused of bringing prisoners from jail to a storage closet next to his office for "paddling sessions." (What, they weren't good enough to be paddled in judge's chambers?) How he got away with that once, let alone multiple times, is beyond us. After all, inmates will sue if their soup is so much as lukewarm one afternoon-- you'd think they would've all filed multimillion dollar civil suits by now.

On top of that, Thomas is accused of trading sex for lighter sentences to violent felons...

We began digging through court documents, one of Thomas's alleged victims was tried and convicted of robbery. Records show instead of locking him up, Thomas gave him probation. Then, that same man was arrested for burglary. Thomas tossed that case out just weeks before it went to trial. That man is now back in jail, accused of murder. Thomas joined him behind bars this afternoon. [MSNBC]
Thomas resigned from the bench in October 2007 amid allegations that he manipulated a jail sentence for his cousin, swapped cases on other judges dockets, and paddled prisoners from Mobile Metro Jail. [WKRG]
[N]umerous individuals... claim Thomas used his position as judge to coerce them for sexual activity, or would punish them for denying such activity. Kulakowski’s investigation also uncovered individuals who claim Thomas engaged them in illegal drug trade and actively used his office to protect drug dealers working with him. [Lagniappe Mobile]

Now we understand why Thomas's bail terms bar him from having any contact with men under the age of 21... and it also sort of explains the paddling.

Here's the full, 57-count indictment.

While You Were Sleeping: The Top Models Brawl

Update on the High School Cheerleader on Stripper Pole / Party Dad Scandal

Barack Obama's "Gay Sex Scandal" Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

If Teenagers Can Have Sex, Why Can't They Have Sex Toys?

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:25:00 GMT

Kids get toy cars before they're old enough to drive, toy phones before they're old enough to get a cell phone account, toy ovens before they're old enough to play with fire and combustible gasses and even toy guns before they're too young to get a hunting license. So why can't teenagers who are old enough to engage in sexual activity get their hands on a few sex toys?

Seems kind-of fucked up when you consider that the legal age for consensual sex is under 18 in most places, but to enter a sex toy shop one needs to be at least that age. (Interesting aside: the legal age of sexual consent in Canada is 16 while the legal age for anal sexual consent is 18.)

Says one columnist in Canada:

"It sends a clear message to young people: Having sex with someone else is acceptable, but exploring your own body by masturbating with anything more than your own two hands is not."

Though the sale of sex toys is a states issue here in the United States, it's pretty much the same situation: it's legal to have sex at 17, it's just not legal to buy sex toys.

We can't begin to know the laws regulating the sale of sex toys to minors (or to now one, ahem, Alabama) in each state. But our friendly neighbors to the north have no laws on the books restricting the sale of sex toys, sold as “adult novelty items,” to anyone under the age of 18, yet stores will only allow those 18 and over to enter.

“I don’t think it’s an intentional double standard… They think they’re following the rules, is my hunch,” says Carlyle Jansen, owner of Good for Her.

Jansen says her understanding of the law restricts the sale of pornographic imagery in any medium to minors. “But sex toys, there don’t seem to be any regulations around who can purchase those and not. For example we allow people to bring their kids into the store or some people will come in and buy their daughter or son their first vibrator.

“I think the double standard comes out of the fact that we sort of ignore youth.”

So maybe that's why they're all turning up with STDs and/or babies in them?

[XTRA: Teens get shaft in struggle for sex toys]

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[Image]

Our Favorite Dumb Criminal: Burglar Leaves Sex Tape At the Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:47:00 GMT

"...Oh Alabama, the devil fools with the best-laid plan..."

An as-yet-unidentified burglar, seen in this photo, obviously didn't have any Neil Young as the mood music on his sex tape. We know for a fact because the police have the sex tape and they're using it to publicly identify a local menace...

Police really want to nab this guy, thanks to his responsibility for at least a handful of the four than 50 car break-ins in just one precinct in Mobile in the last month. Sources say the dude bailed out of his stolen Ford Explorer, leaving behind iPods and ancient listening devices known as stereos, which ancient man is believed to have used before the advent of Napster.

"...Your SUV / has a wheel in the ditch / and a wheel on the track..."

Perhaps the only disappointing part of this story is that our sole glimpse into the sex tape is the photo above, which isn't exactly appealing, unless you like your men to look like gleeful stoners who are thinking of putting it in your butt. At least his teeth are all right and his mustache only fairly hideous. Also, he's probably the kind of guy who makes sure to do it doggystyle so he can stare into his own eyes in the bedroom mirror-- the cops say the video doesn't even feature his female partner's face, since it's mainly a self-portrait of a man enjoying sex.

Via AL.com.

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Creepy Dudes Now Using Sex Tapes To Blackmail You Into... Giving Them Nude Photos?

Mini-Me Makes Up For Size With Stamina In Bed

China and Japan At War Again, This Time Over Who Has the Best Sex Tape Scandal

Scanner Brian's Year in Review

Josh Hartnett Sex Tape Results Are In

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse vs. Norway

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:17:00 GMT

All right, let's wrap up the new year with a deluge of crazy celebrity, sex, and celebrity sex news around:

Charles Barkley, rumored to be gearing up to run for Governor of 'Bama, was arrested for DUI in Arizona.

The list of the 19 worst Americans of 2008 is hard to argue with.

Wayne Bent, the leader of religious sect, was sentenced to ten years in prison for laying on a bed (and nothing more, supposedly) with two naked teenage girls.

Video games, even shooting games, cause people to have poor body image.

Congratulations to Sam Adams, the new Mayor of Portland, apparently the first openly gay man to ascend to that office in the country.

We all know these pervert teachers send text messages to underage students. What we never know is what they actually wrote.

Amy Winehouse faces drug charges in Norway on January 12th. They actually think she's going to show?!

And will 2009 be the year Flight of the Conchords becomes a cultural phenomenon? Let's make it our collective New Year's resolution, people.

Related:

Flight of the Conchords... Already Premiering Right Here, Baby

Amy Winehouse Gets Naked. For a Good Cause. For Real.

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Wino Goes Topless and We Say No No No

Controversial "Courting Condi" Cancelled By Cronies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:54:00 GMT

The 2008 election year may have ended, but Bush & Co. aren't splayed out on the front steps of 1600 Pennsylvania, waiting for the Obamas to roll in.

Condoleezza Rice, for one, hasn't resorted to phoning it in. She shows up for work every day in classy Saks, brushes the Katrina victims aside, and strides through the front gate to the White House, where her boss, her hero, awaits with a non-alcoholic beer and a bag of pretzels. Together, they are Nixon and Kissinger, circa 1974, with the fireplace ablaze and the rocks in a glass of whiskey clattering back and forth, hashing out their escape plan.

Part of that plan is to ensure their legacy and making sure, for starters, that any revealing documentary films are dead in the water before they're even released...

We're not sure we buy the filmmakers claim that Karl Rove asked the Discovery Company to rescind its promise to fund the film or that the State Department had their hotel rooms bugged, but it may be true friends of or even Condoleezza Rice herself asked that Stanford University cancel an advance screening of "Courting Condi," a documentary following an actor-musician's quest to at least go on a date with Madame Secretary.

The Stanford Film Society (SFS) today cancelled a screening of a controversial documentary about Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, and a debate on whether Stanford University should welcome her back to its faculty when she leaves office in 2009.

The film’s director, Sebastian Doggart stated: “This has all the hallmarks of Rice’s cronies scaring the Stanford Film Society into pulling the screening.”

The movie, Courting Condi, is a documentary about Condoleezza Rice, charting her life and career from her birth in Alabama, through her time as Provost at Stanford, to her tenure as Secretary of State. Contributors include close friends of Rice, her top biographers Marcus Mabry and Glenn Kessler, and senior Republican politicians such as Brent Scowcroft and Lawrence Wilkerson... [it] is due for general release in February 2009.

We'd like to add that the film also co-stars Adrian Grenier and Steve Earle's music, plus its lead by the kid (now grown) who played Macaulay Culkin's demented brother in Home Alone.

The SFS at first offered no explanation for the cancelation; after some prying, the President claimed a Professor had asked to use the space and his agenda took priority. But the SFS added that they didn't think the post-screening debate would be balanced and that that fear factored in their decision. Doggart chalks all this up to a, well, not-so-vast right-wing conspiracy:

“Our documentary has seen these tactics of obstruction and intimidation before,” Doggart states. “Eighteen months ago, Discovery committed to financing $600,000 for the movie. One week before shooting, they pulled out. We subsequently learned that Karl Rove found out about the deal and advised the CEO of Discovery it would be bad for their ‘good relations with government’ to proceed. Discovery pulled out the next day, leading to legal wrangling and a final settlement of a $150,000 ‘kill loan’ from Discovery, and forcing us to make the film on a shoestring.”
Doggart continues: “The obstructive measures got worse. Her supporters did all they could to stop us securing archive materials of Rice’s time at both Denver University and Stanford. And then her agents raided our inn when we were filming in Washington DC.”

Here's the film's trailer. Tell me-- is this a documentary or more likely a mockumentary?

Via Courting Condi.

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Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets...

Guy Who Probably Killed Natalee Holloway Needs To Sleep With The Fishes

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 15:29:00 GMT

Joran van der Sloot, who proved having a judge for a father means you're immune from prosecution, may not be able to slither his way out of this latest jam.

Thanks to journalists who relentlessly pursued the accused murderer (well, not accused by any real authority, but we'd have no problem charging him) all the way to Thailand, The Slootmeister has once again been caught on hidden camera admitting to a very real crime involving Thai girls...

According to several European news sources, van der Sloot was filmed by an undercover operative working for Peter R. De Vries:

De Vries will show in his TV programme, he claims, that Van der Sloot offers women for sale in the Thai capital Bangkok for the Dutch prostitution market. On hidden camera he explains how he supplies girls for 10,000 euros each, who work for 300 dollars a month in Dutch brothels.

Best part of all, the OJ Simpson wannabe was flanked by Thai hookers while he discussed business. The man is a sleazeball, for sure, but is he a murderer?

Van der Sloot, the son of a judge in Aruba, said in February to an infiltrator working for De Vries that he dumped the body of Natalee Holloway, a teenager from the American state of Alabama, in the sea. He said she died suddenly while they were engaged in sexual activities on a beach. To the surprise of many, including De Vries, the authorities in the Netherlands and the Netherlands Antilles did not consider this confession serious enough for Van der Sloot to be arrested. Since then, he has been in the Far East.

Let's get this straight: no one wanted to pursue this lead, so now this asshole is engaged in human trafficking of Thai prostitutes? Great-- why don't we give him a blanket pardon for all future crimes, just to make it all official-like?

It sickens us that he's allowed to get away with this stuff time and time again. Would someone please send Dexter overseas for an episode or two to take care of this problem?

Via Dutch News sources.

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While You Were Sleeping: Minnie Driver Pops Out A Future Celebrity

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 13:46:00 GMT

It's primary day in some states, which means the phone sex lines are humming.

We'd like to think this idiot just failed in an attempt to get back at Oasis for all their pretentious snobbery, but he was probably just a drunken jackass who rushed the stage.

And you really, really need to see these photos of Anthony Bourdain in the prehistoric era known as the 1970s:

Amazing, right, that he still looks 30 years old at 16? Bourdain, ever a swell sport, writes a letter to the poster of these photographs:

Vengeance will be mine, Ruhlman. I have employed a most excellent and reputable firm of Venetian detectives who assure me that the photos of you--at the Kajagoogoo concert, 1986, will soon be in my hands.They tell me as well that that infommercial you made with Suzanne Sommers? Copies STILL exist.

My hopes for political office have been ruined, Ruhlman. And for this, you will pay a truly terrible price.

Any Jews out there? asks the town of Dothan, Alabama. No need to hide, the residents just want to talk to you... and offer you $50,000 for moving to the Bible Belt. Seriously. What could you lose?

Larry Blumberg is looking for a few good Jews to move to [Alabama.] Blumberg is chairman of an organization offering Jewish families as much as $50,000 to relocate to Dothan, an overwhelmingly Christian town of 58,000 that calls itself the Peanut Capital of the World. Get involved at Temple Emanu-El and stay at least five years, the group's leaders say, and the money doesn't have to be repaid.
More Jews are living in the South than ever — about 386,000 at last count in 2001... young Jews are leaving... in favor of cities like Atlanta and Birmingham, Rockoff said, and dozens of small-town synagogues have closed.

Basically, it's up to you. No pressure or anything.

Really, is there anything better than when Onion articles happen in real life? Then, today in Onion Come To Life: US Weekly spins off a highbrow version of its muckrag...

"Good Luck Sarah Palin" / "Death Race" were two sentences written back to back on an Alaskan movie theater marquee. Creepy...

And Minnie Driver gave birth to Henry Story Driver (she couldn't resist with the strange name, could she?) in LA. The instantly-famous little dude weighs nine pounds is infinitely cooler than us because he has a secret musician daddy, which we long ago revealed to be Eddie Izzard.

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At A Blue Jays Game

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Who Would You Rather, Celebrity Chef Edition Part II: Bourdain vs. Colicchio

Sloppy Seconds: Teenage Jon Bon Jovi Could Help You Score an Eighth

Town Rallies Behind Principal Who Discriminated Against Lesbian Student

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 15:16:00 GMT

Davis, at right, is seen here accepting an award back when he was only the assistant principal

In a Florida town near the Alabama border, a town is in an uproar not over the fact that a principal humiliated and outed a lesbian student, not over the fact that he retaliated unprofessionally against her supporters, but over the presence of the ACLU in the area...

According to Northwest Florida's Daily News:

When a high school senior told her principal that students were taunting her for being a lesbian, he told her homosexuality is wrong, outed her to her parents and ordered her to stay away from children.
He suspended some of her friends who expressed their outrage by wearing gay pride T-shirts and buttons at Ponce de Leon High School, according to court records. And he asked dozens of students whether they were gay or associated with gay students.

Of course, the American Civil Liberties Union, as called in by victimized supporter Heather Gillman, easily won their lawsuit against the principal, costing the town $325,000. But the town blamed the parents for losing their tax dollars, never once expressing concern regarding the principal's actions or the well being of the children:

A Wal-Mart worker yelled at [Gillman's mother], accusing her of trying to "bankrupt" the school district... One of her friends has refused to talk to her because the lawsuit conflicted with the woman's religious beliefs.

"[Principal] David Davis is a fine man and good principal, and we are a gentle, peaceful, Christian, family-oriented community... We aren't out to tar and feather anyone." [Um, but Davis kind of did, dude. - Ed.]

The lawsuit could reflect a division between the high school students who have grown up in an era of gay tolerance and the community's elders, said Gary Scott, a school board member. "But I think that's less of an issue here than in Miami or Minnesota," he said.

The judge's scathing rebuke left Scott questioning how his community's beliefs could be so different from the judge's opinion. "I guess I didn't realize we were this bad," Scott said.

Yep, but you are. Read more of this sad tale here.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Tim Gunn Lawsuit

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 12:43:00 GMT

The Hiltons are far from thrilled to see the new McCain ad, which compares Obama unfavorably to Paris (huh?) They're right to be offended-- they maxed out to the Republican candidate.

A man with a body in his freezer was arrested preaching in Alabama.

Before you read further, make a prediction: who gave the #1 worst performance by a Model Turned Actress?

According to King Magazine (whatever the hell that is), it's Halle Berry-- but not in "Catwoman," as many would have predicted:

1. Halle Berry in Gothika
2. Cameron Diaz in Any Given Sunday
3. Garcelle Beauvais in Wild Wild West
4. Cindy Crawford in Fair Game
5. Tyra Banks in Coyote Ugly

"Guys and Dolls" is returning to Broadway, with Anne Hathaway or Debra Messing. Laurence Olivier and Benedict Arnold are also on the Producer's list of people to put in the press release to make it look Big Time.

AIDS has made black women an "endangered species."

A 10-year-old boy ratted out his mom for making counterfeit bills.

With all the money television brings in, Tim Gunn, why the hell would you work for free?

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Anti-Gay Alabama Attorney General Busted in Bed With A Man?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 14:15:00 GMT

Troy King, the Attorney General of Alabama, has been dogged by gay rumors for some time now. The hardcore Republican and foe of gay marriage, who backed McCain early in the primaries, is rumored to be ready to resign after the latest juicy allegations surfaced...

1) Troy "ask[ed] the Legislature to amend the state's anti-obscenity law after a Jefferson County judge ruled this month that part of the law was too vague to force closure of a Hoover store that sells sexual devices."

2) He all but called the Supreme Court terrorists when they dared to overturn the law allowing for the death penalty for child rape. Troy said

"Anybody in this country who cares about children should be outraged ... They are creating a situation where this country is a less safe place to grow up."

Is Alabama Attorney General Troy King referring to terrorists? Street gangs? Pedophiles? No. According to King, the people endangering kids are justices on the U.S. Supreme Court who on Wednesday overturned a Louisiana law that made child rape punishable by death.

3) Then, in the last couple days...

According to rumors flying around for the last week Troy King, [the] rabidly homophobic, anti-sex toy, Sunday School teaching, pro-execution Republican Attorney General [of Alabama] is GAY! And I don't mean that as in happy either. I'd bet he is anything but happy right now. In fact, according to two sources he is about to resign. Also posted here.
Two Alabama bloggers emailed me asking if I had heard the rumor that King Troy's wife caught him in bed with a MAN and kicked him out of the house around the time of the Special Session. Could I confirm it?

4) The male aide, it is believed, is actually his college roommate, who he helped get a job with the state and/or on his staff so they could be closer together. As one source put it: "When Troy's out of town... the [old roommate] goes with." Another version says he's a homecoming king... as in, a recent graduate...

The story then became that the mystery man was a young man who had just graduated from Troy University and was the Homecoming King (no pun intended) (God that gets confusing...Troy King with the homecoming king who graduated from Troy) and that was who the wife walked in on. Then a few weeks later Troy and his boy toy from Troy were spotted at the YMCA (not kidding) engaging in....ummmm....inappropriate activities. Yeah...at the YMCA...made famous by the Village People. Apparently Troy has no inkling of what it means to be 'discreet'.

The YMCA story smells of total elephant shit, although the rest of this (that is-- that Troy was caught in bed with a man by his own wife, then booted from the premises) has been backed up by a variety of sources. However, just to further confuse you, one source claims that the leak on this story came from the Governor's office...

We shall see...

Via Pam's House Blend.

Top 5 Things Obama Should Do Now

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 17:18:00 GMT

Inspired by several recent lists, including Robert Creamers "Ten Key Steps to Put Obama Over the Top in November" from Wednesday's Huffington Post, we decided to put together a list of what we hope Obama does next to beat McCain. Of course, there will be a McCain list in the coming days for the three of his supporters still reading this blog...

5. Get the Vice Presidential choice out of the way so, even if he doesn't announce it for months, it does not bog down his campaign's time. For the record, Senators Dodd, Edwards, and Webb are fine choices, while Senator Clinton and Governor Richardson would bog the ticket down with their respective baggage, Clinton with her high negatives plus Bush-Clinton fatigue and Richardson's poor campaign skills plus New Mexico's likely Democratic swing this year should rule them both out. This is nothing against them personally-- it's all about weighing advantages versus disadvantages of the way that Obama-? bumpersticker reads.

4. Gather uncommitted female superdelegates and Governors like Kathleen Sebelius (Kan.) and Janet Napolitano (Ariz.) to follow Hillary Clinton's endorsement and shore up the female vote that is still out there and less than thrilled about another male President.

3. This is an obvious one, but key: use elder party surrogates to make the case. Perfect examples would be Joe Biden and especially Jim Webb, with his experience, Republican background, and excellent TV "presence." This will balance Republican/McCain attacks on Obama's experience and lack of authority on foreign policy.

2. As Roger Stone says: "Admit nothing, deny everything, launch counterattack" and "Attack, attack, attack-- deny everything" (the last one is not an exact quote, but the point is the same.) The Republicans have won with these words time and again since 1972 and the Democrats cannot afford to ignore these rules this year. For one thing, we'd be talking about the reelection of John Kerry if he'd paid attention to them the last time around.

1. Fuck the swing states-- go after everything remotely in play. If he did so well in Montana, Virginia, and even Alabama, he should run hard there. This is a new Presidential election-- it would suck to wake up the day after and find out he could have won if only he'd spent any money in, say, Alabama-- where he had 56% in the primary and McCain lost to Huckabee-- he would've taken the electoral college.

Previously: Top 10 Moments in the Career of Hillary Clinton.