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These Claire Danes Nipple Slips Make Up For A Lack of Quality Nipple Slips This Week

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 17:05:00 GMT

We read you loud and clear-- you couldn't find Goldie Hawn's nipples in close up. Hell, you didn't see Sasha Grey's boobs in two posts with her nipples in them. Obviously, someone is using Netscape Navigator or some other image-blurring browser that hates Scanner and boobs.

Thankfully, Claire Danes stepped up to the plate the other day and delivered a very obvious nipple. And in case you didn't see that-- she sure as hell didn't-- we bring you her Greatest Hits...

Remember to click on the photo for a new window/tab, then enlarge by clicking on it...

And her greatest hits-- two moments from an MTV interview a few years back. Happy now, whiners?

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Happy National Cleavage Day

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 18:52:00 GMT

Megan Fox doesn't have anything to promote these days, but that never stops "gentleman rags" from running hot photos of her in an effort to "boost" their "circulation."

This time, however, her appearance on the cover of Esquire, and subsequent shots of her in her underwear, have something to do with Fox's promotion of the semi-new Red Cameras...

Here's what Esquire had to say about using the RedONE on this shoot:

For the first time in Esquire's history (and, we imagine, magazine history in general), a cover image was shot as a video. Using the RedONE, a video camera that captures images at four times the resolution of high-definition, photographer-director Greg Williams recorded ten minutes of loosely scripted footage with Fox — getting out of bed, rolling around on a pool chair, inexplicably lighting a barbecue. "It allowed her to act," Williams says. "She could run scenes without being reminded by the sound of a shutter every four seconds that I was taking a picture. As in still photography, a lot of it is capturing unexpected moments. This takes that one step further."

This, by the way, is the same camera that Che, Angels and Demons, and My Bloody Valentine 3D were shot with. It is rather revolutionary... despite the conventional use of Megan Fox to promote it.

Via Esquire-- these photos will be available on May 10th on newsstands everywhere.

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Goldie Hawn Keeps Career Alive... with a Nipple Slip?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 15:48:00 GMT

When we wrote our Top 10 Sexiest Women Over 50 list last week, one reader surprised us by wondering where Goldie Hawn falls on the list. The answer: nowhere, since she has had obvious, terrible, and totally unnecessary plastic surgery. (We can argue about that elsewhere-- that's not the point here.)

As if to prove she's still sexy, Hawn this week becomes the first female celebrity in Hollywood over 50-- at least that we remember-- to flash a boob in public and get free and positive press for it...

Check out this guy below-- he's thinking, "Holy shit, I'm meeting my high school masturbation fantasy, Miss Goldie, and she's showing me her boob."

And so he reaches out to her...

Via this link.

Jessica Lange Makes 60 Sexy

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:31:00 GMT

If your fifties are fabulous, what are your sixties? "Sexy" seems like an inappropriate term to use when describing the lives of people collecting social security and just wanting to take it easy. But actress Jessica Lange, who turns 60 today, isn't taking it easy and certainly doesn't need an social security. She's still an in-demand film actress, still with the equally good-looking Sam Shepherd, and probably hasn't even had any plastic surgery, despite what the rumor mill may think.

Hopefully, this retrospective look at her work will help us to understand how she's still smokin' in her seventh decade...

1) King Kong - 1976. The film was a blockbuster remake of the 1930s horror classic, complete with Lange in an outfit that George Lucas would steal for Carrie Fisher to wear in Return of the Jedi... or something. Anyway, why, if the film was a smash hit, did Lange not appear on screen again until 1979's All That Jazz? The damn critics, that's why. They gave her such a drubbing that she lost her self-confidence and had to be dragged back into it by Bob Fosse...

2) All That Jazz - 1979. She plays the Angel of Death in one of our favorite over-the-top pieces of excess from the most over-the-top and excessive decade on record. If you haven't seen it, stop reading this now and go rent it.

3) The Postman Always Rings Twice - 1981. The beginning of her career resurgence can be pinpointed sometime around the moment Jack Nicholson takes her over a table in David Mamet's nearly-forgotten noir classic.

4) Tootsie - 1982. She's absolutely adorable in this, for which she won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Another great rental, add it now.

5) Sweet Dreams, Frances, Music Box - 1982-1989. She goes on to take smaller films that really allow her to stretch out and play unusual and interesting characters, and the Academy loves her for it.

6) Blue Sky - 1994. This Tommy Lee Jones film was going to be shelved forever until word circulated that Lange's performance would win her an Oscar for Best Actress. For once, the rumor mill was correct.

7) Rob Roy, A Streetcar Named Desire, A Thousand Acres, Big Fish, Broken Flowers, Grey Gardens, and more - 1995-now. More Golden Globe nominations, 27 years as Sam's better half (they've never married), and staying strong after breaking her shoulder and collarbone and dislocating her arm last month in Duluth, Minnesota. We hope to see her back again, 100%, in whatever weird and kooky role Hollywood comes up with for a stunning and, yes, sexy sixty-year-old leading lady...

Mel Gibson's Mistress Begins the Obligatory Photo Leak Phase of Her Stardom

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Who is Oksana Pochepa and why is she, of all the women in Mel Gibson's life since his 28-year-long marriage began, the one to break up his happy union?

According to ShowBizSpy:

Oksana Pochepa claims that she had a romantic relationship with the 53-year-old actor and has now fallen in love.
“This is serious and I hope that our union will be real and strong and long-lasting,” she told British tabloid The Sun.
Pochepa also confirmed that she is the mystery brunette photographed kissing Gibson on a Costa Rican beach in March.
And according to Us Weekly, Gibson met Oksana last August when she was hired to compose a song for the actor’s upcoming thriller Edge of Darkness.

Wait, she's so big that American film producers asked her, a young Russian pinup, to compose a song for their major Hollywood blockbuster? Something's fishy about her story, and we won't know until either a) Mel Gibson breaks his silence or b) the men with butterfly nets take her off to a secret KGB warehouse for brainwashing. No?

By the way, based on these photos alone, would she be able to break up your marriage?

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Tina Fey Was On Sesame Street?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

It was over two years ago, but you think we'd remember something this good.

Luckily, Jezebel and Strollerderby broke out the video yesterday to remind us of it. The occasion? The Sesame Street DVD from that season will be out on Tuesday. Hopefully, this video will stay up on YouTube until then. (And, by the way, never let it be said that Tina Fey can't act. She manages to keep a straight face during all this nonsense.)

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Aria Giovanni Wants To Show You How To Do Something

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:21:00 GMT

Why is Aria Giovanni showing us bachelors how to cook via Break.com videos and do we care? Not "do we care that she's on Break.com showing us how to do things we'll quickly turn into four-alarm fires" but does anyone care what she's saying, with images like these?

Note that at about 1:30... she appears to be lightly stroking the long stem handle... hmmm, very interesting demonstration...

Aria Giovanni Teaches Us How To Boil Eggs

In case you didn't know, Aria Giovanni is a nude model and, um, self-described actress who was the Penthouse Pet for September of 2000. You may recall her previous Scanner appearance when we shared the first episode of James Gunn's PG Porn. We'd share more of these videos if she did something, you know... exciting.

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Hair Has Hair Down Thare

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 15:06:00 GMT

That's the cast of the musical "Hair," which was performed free in Central Park last summer and is enjoying a revival right now on Broadway.

While the show is expected to be a success and has been generating decent buzz, the gossip rags have found a way to bash it in their own special way: by mocking the cast for perceived hangups about the show's full-frontal nudity...

The always-professional Post reports:

IT'S the real thing when it comes to the full-frontal nudity in the revival of "Hair." A rumor floating around Broadway was that the actresses playing the unshaven '60s hippies in the rock musical were being fitted with pubic hairpieces so they wouldn't have to give up their Brazilian waxes. But a rep for the show, which opens Tuesday at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre, says all hair will be strictly home grown. "It's all natural. There are no merkins in the show at all," he laughed. [NY Post]

Jezebel mocks Murdoch's goons right back:

So gross: The cast of Hair may not have as much of the titular item as they're supposed to… especially down there. Rumors floating around the revival allude to the fact that many of the women in the cast are going to be wearing merkins (seriously, Google that shit) so they won't have to give up their wax/shave schedule. Broadway is disgusting, y'all. [Jezebel]

We don't care, we'll go see it, merkins or muffins...

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While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

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Top 5 Monica Bellucci Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 21:08:00 GMT

When you delve into the careers of foreign actors and actress who do sex scene after sex scene in their films, you begin to realize that no one's ever seen any of these movies. They are just unlabeled clips that float around the internet until we see them and say, "This would be a great waste of everyone's time on a Friday afternoon."

That is definitely the case with Italian star Monica Bellucci, an actress everyone recognizes but no one knows where from. In her storied career, Bellucci, now 44, has starred in such classics as Shoot 'Em Up, Malena, The Passion of the Christ, the Matrix sequels, and The Brothers Grimm. Don't rent any of these movies-- just watch their most memorable scenes here...

5. Monica has sex with the camera in an unknown movie. Pretty self-explanatory, really.

4. Monica has sex with a lemon in Malena. Also, is it just us or is Morricone ripping off the theme from Godfather here?

3. Monica stands there while a man has sex with her, also in Malena. This would've been higher on the list if a) she wasn't basically being violated here and b) that kid wasn't in the way with his cryin' eyes.

2. Monica having sex with a guy (!) in a car wash in Combien tu m'aimes. Betcha ten bucks that crying kid is watching from inside the gas station booth.

1. Monica getting nailed to the wall by a mass murderer in Shoot 'Em Up. Well, as long as it's with Clive Owen, it can't be all that horrible can i-- oh, wait... yes, this is a pretty ridiculous sex scene. With a punchline, no less...

Honorable Mentions: Monica is naked in just about everything. For example, there's this, from Brotherhood of the Wolf and two other films here and here. Any of them could've been #1...

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Rosario Dawson Will Never Stop Having to Discuss Her Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 21:24:00 GMT

There's apparently something called T Magazine and Rosario Dawson did an interview for it a few weeks back.

In it, she discusses lesbian sex, being completely naked on screen, abortion, and the following sex scene...

That's from Alexander, the Oliver Stone film Dawson addresses in her T Mag interview:

The only sex scene I’ve done that caused a fuss was the one I did with Colin Farrell in ‘‘Alexander.’’ That scene was intense. I thought it was necessary to the movie — in life sometimes you’re naked. But it was not soft porny in any way, which would have been harder for me. My brother, who D.J.’s in a strip club, was relieved when he saw it. He said he was happy that I ‘‘was fit.’’ He didn’t want to be embarrassed around his friends.

Sorry, Rosario, but it's an Oliver Stone film-- it was definitely soft-porny.

She also discusses lesbian sex, her mother nearly having her aborted, and love scenes with Will Smith:

I didn’t have sex until was 20. I got into trouble at school because one of my friends said, ‘‘Lesbians do it with straws.’’ I said, ‘‘I can tell you how lesbians do it, and there are no straws involved!’’ But I think all that talk of sex put me off. The first time I had it, I think it was in a head-to-toe rubber. I was terrified of getting pregnant. My mom was planning to get an abortion when she was pregnant with me. She was at the clinic waiting for her appointment and she felt me move in her stomach. I always tell her it was probably gas. I thank God for gas.
Before our first major kiss, [Will Smith] said, ‘‘Let’s go — I’m going to nail this scene. I want to go home.’’ [Laughs] But he focused. Kissing can be more intimate than nudity. You have to take your time.

We don't know about that last one-- getting attacked by a horny Colin Farrell, trying to kill him, and then having full on-screen sex is pretty intimate. It almost made us embarrassed for having been so pleased to see her naked... almost.

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Top 5 Threesome Sex Scenes

Apparently, Olga Kurylenko Would Rather Be Naked

Apparently, Olga Kurylenko Would Rather Be Naked Than... Anything Else

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

Last year's Bond babe and budding Hollywood It Girl is rapidly disappearing from the movie world.

In the months since the release of "Bond 22" (i.e.... and it still bothers us to say this... Quantum of Solace), Olga Kurylenko has all but vanished from the spotlight. Then again, if you've been keeping an eye on the internet for her seemingly relentless yet obscure photo shoots, you have been seeing a lot more of her than usual.

Her in-production film credit is this one:

Orlando Bloom, Vincent Cassel (Eastern Promises) and Olga Kurylenko (Quantum of Solace) have signed on to star in The Cross, which will be directed by Andrew Niccol (Lord of War).

According to Variety, Niccol has initiated pre-production on the $24 million sci-fi escape story.

Set in a border town, The Cross returns Niccol -- Oscar-nommed for writing The Truman Show -- to his favorite domain: the near future. Bloom plays a man seeking to cross a mysterious border, something no one else has achieved; Cassel limns the guard who will go to any lengths to foil him. Kurylenko takes the femme lede. [MovieWeb]

Yeah, uh... we'll wait with bated breath for that one...

Anyway, she also continues to do what she does best, namely this photo shoot... and these...

Via various sources. Uncropped version of the first b&w photo via this link.

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Russell Crowe's New Leading Lady Not Quite a BBW

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Last month, Sienna Miller left the cast of the Ridley Scott directed Robin Hood remake amid rumors that her co-star Russell Crowe needed an older, larger actress to make him not look so, um, bad. Apparently Miller was just too young and thin. So what old bag did they find to replace her?

Only one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, Cate Blanchett.

[Us: Cate Blanchett to Play Maid Marian in Robin Hood Remake]

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[Image]

Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

Late last year, as men's magazines were coming out with their hottest women on the planet lists, we started to put together a list of hot, normal-sized women. As much as we hate the idea of having to create a separate list for women size 10 and up, we can't imagine the editors of FHM or Maxim drooling over a size 10 or 12. You can call Beyonce curvy all you want, she's probably still only a size 6. Hence the need for this list.

Unfortunately, we got stuck at around seven. We couldn't come up with ten relevant, prominent women who were the size of the average American woman (14) who could turn heads. Frustrated, we gave up on it. But last week, when we heard that Anna Wintour—who, to put it plainly, does not like fat girls—was going to fill the pages of Vogue with pictures of British songstress and former Crush of the Week Adele, we enlisted the help of our girlfriends to complete the list. It turns out most of them were frustrated, too, that they couldn't contribute more than one or two names. "This is sadly hard!!!" wrote one, to which we replied, "Actually, it's infuriatingly hard." But three months and 37 emails later, we have a list of ten amazingly hot women who we assume* wear a size 10 or larger. We know we've left plenty of beautiful women off of this list (and we hope you'll list them in the comments section), but we hope you'll enjoy Scanners Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up.

10. Keely Shaye Smith
Though she has an acting career of her own, we really only know Kelly Shaye Smith as Pierce Brosnan's wife—and unfortunately only because tabloids made terrible fun of some bikini photos of her. But we give Brosnan two thumbs up for his beautiful buxom bride of eight years.

[Image]

9. Missy Elliott
We have a hard time imagining Missy Elliot in anything but a trash bag, but once she ditched that getup, she got pretty damn hot. (Okay, she was hot then, but the trash bag really wasn't doing much for her.)

[Image]

8. Janet Weiss
Is there anything hotter than a chick who plays bass? How about a chick who plays drums? Janet Weiss, former drummer for the now defunct riot grrrl band Sleater-Kinney, now plays with Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks.

[Image]

7. Sara Ramirez
She was hot as George's wife, Callie Watts on Grey's Anatomy, but now that she's bringing some hot, lesbian action to the show, we imagine Sara Ramirez has earned herself a whole new set of fans (including us!).

[Image]

6. Adele
Had anyone heard of Adele before she made an appearance on what will forever be referred to as Sarah Palin's Saturday Night Live episode? Lucky for her, and us, everyone was watching. Just a few short months later, she took home a Grammy for Best New Artist.

[Image]

5. Jennifer Hudson
From American Idol to Dreamgirls to her 2009 Grammy Award for Best R&B Album, whenever we see Jennifer Hudson, we can't help but be proud of our own curves. We usually also put on a tight dress and dance around the house to Supremes albums.

[Image]

4. Neko Case
Men want her and women want to be her. Neko Case is a woman you can't help but like, and the ~~former~~ front woman for the New Pornographers is beautiful with her firey red hair and pale skin. At first we had a hard time believing Case was a 10, but we have it on very good authority (a friend who works in the music industry) that she is. And we like it.

[Image]

3. Queen Latifah
Easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl, actress, singer and rapper Queen Latifah has managed to reinvent herself enough to remain relevant—and smokin'—for 20 years. Here's hoping for another 20.

[Image]

2. Nigella Lawson
Without the T&A we all love so much, Nigella Lawson could probably squeeze that little waist of hers into a size 6. But we would hate for that to happen. Not only is she gorgeous, Lawson has gone through so much shit in her life (she lost her mother, her sister and her first husband to cancer) yet still manages to make sure we all eat enough chocolate.

[Image]

1. Christina Hendricks
We have to bow at the feet of Christina Hendricks for bringing Joan Holloway and her gorgeous curves into our lives, and back into the mainstream popular culture. While she likes her dresses snug, we heard from someone who used to share her clothes that she's most certainly a size 10. And on a scale of 1 to 10, a 10.

[Image]

*Disclaimer: This size thing is based purely on our own assumptions and/or input from people who claim to know. But being a size 10 ourselves, we're pretty good at guessing these things.

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We Nominate... Marisa Tomei For Best Supporting Nipple Rings

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:31:00 GMT

It doesn't seem that long ago that Marisa Tomei's career was made and simultaneously ruined by her winning a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for My Cousin Vinny. We saw "ruined" because the backlash began before she even took the stage-- with many saying Jack Palance had read the wrong name and many more claiming Tomei didn't deserve it either way, since her performance and role were "slight."

While these are, we have to admit, not entirely unfair (the fact that Judy Davis did not win unanimously is one of the great snubs of all time), they should not have stuck with Tomei for so long. Witness her brutal and affecting performance in 2007's violent caper film Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. Plus, her inspired comic turn in The Slums of Beverly Hills and other indie films of note.

If it takes these uncensored topless scenes from The Wrestler to restore her standing among Hollywood's finest actors, so be it...

Marisa Tomei NUDE Stripper Performance in 'The Wrestler'

Did you catch how the was able to express her character's unhappiness in very subtle ways in that one on-stage strip scene (the one where Mickey Rourke hands her a piece of paper at the end)? That's true acting-- we can't even see her face for most of the take, yet we can sense her misery just in her back and arms...

By the way, if you haven't seen The Wrestler-- go check it out immediately or demand your local theater get a print pronto.

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Famous Girl Trying To Find Guy Who Lost His Jacket? Total Fraud

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 18:18:00 GMT

For the last week or so, the whole of the internet has been trying to determine whether this YouTube video and series of news stories is real or staged by an attention-seeking "actress." Here's how we figured out the truth...

In order to avoid giving this woman and her annoying clothing designer's viral marketing campaign any added publicity, we'll refrain from a few of the details. A Sydney Morning Herald story from the other day claimed the 24-year-old met a guy at a cafe, hit it off with him, didn't get his number, and later noticed his jacket had been left behind. She took the jacket home with her and left a "Lost and Found" note with a waiter, who is quoted in the article as saying she is "genuine," as if there was some sort of question about her tale's legitimacy already. The national media picked up the tale of love at first sight and the blogs were linking to her website, which she had turned into an ad for herself, but for this anonymous guy's enjoyment only. She posed in his jacket and made sure we all saw her underwear... and the coat's supposedly top-notch lining.

Then, this:

1) She knows just enough about the guy that it sounds like a full description, but it sounds like a full description written by someone trying to make up a generic, imaginary dude. For example, for this Sydney Morning Herald story, she couldn't describe his face whatsoever, but she knows he was wearing jeans, a white shirt, and black shoes. He's "six foot tall, toned, and hot"? That could be anyone.

2) In the above video, she never mentions the name of the cafe she found the jacket in. That right there tells you with absolute certainty that she's a fake... or an idiot.

Other bloggers are beginning to weigh in on this-- insisting that this is another obnoxious viral marketing campaign. Aren't there laws against this kind of thing? When advertisers started putting subliminal messages in movies and other media, governments passed laws to stop the practice; maybe they should ban the same thing-- "false news reporting as advertising" or something? "Internet video advertising without proper identification?"

In any case, the woman has since taken down her very obvious website, which depicted her posing provocatively in the jacket, making sure that the jacket looked even better she did in her underwear.

Here's the original article.

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Russell Crowe Seeks BBW for Love, Role Play

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 17:29:00 GMT

Russell Crowe is allegedly looking for an older, larger actress to play his female counterpart in the upcoming Nottingham after he threw a fit and had his leading lady fired because she was too thin and beautiful.

Crowe was worried that Sienna Miller would make him look bad in the film's love scenes. He put on weight for his role in Body of Evidence and has since had a hard time taking it off. According to Page Six, producers are now "looking for an older, plumper actress to play the role so [Crowe] doesn't look like a paunchy grandpa. Someone in her late 30s or early 40s."

The Post also speculated that Crowe is trying to get director Ridley Scott fired. No word yet as to who will replace Miller.

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[Image, Image]

Sex on the Beach: Zhang Ziyi Won't Go Nude For A Movie, But...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:32:00 GMT

Chinese bombshell Zhang Ziyi is a strange creature, according to the world's horniest sex blogs. These blogs, including Fleshbot, gently rib Ziyi for refusing to appear nude in her films (she uses body doubles-- so those Google searches are only turning up fakes, people) but going nude in public and fooling around with her boyfriend on a crowded public beach.

Who cares about the debate, really? We just want to know-- is this guy in love with her butt or what?

These pictures have already caused a stir on the internet, for several reasons: 1) Zhang is about to marry this guy, Vivi Nuevo, an Israeli, which isn't going over well in her homeland; 2) Zhang's nude photos are splashed all over China's websites during a period where the country is cracking down on porn; and 3) well, Time just needed a traffic boost.

While You Were Sleeping: Your Shopping Bag Is Sexist, Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Are you guys doing the inaugural? Good luck surviving the stampede.

The nitwit who dared to have sex on a beach in Dubai spoke out about his ordeal. (Not the sex-- the other ordeal.)

Bet you'll never guess why a man shot and killed a sex shop worker... oh wait, you will, and likely on the first try:

A man has shot and wounded a saleswoman in a Russian sex shop after the impotence tablets he bought failed to have the desired effect. [stuff.co.nz]

Ellie Nesler, the woman who killed her son's (accused) child molester, died.

Did your 2008 pass by in what felt like forty seconds? It will again, thanks to this snazzy video.

We rejoice at the sight of CNN giving out love advice because it just makes us look way more qualified than we really are.

This "sexy" (and sexist?) shopping bag "might put you in jail," according this blog.

Counterfeiters aren't even trying to make their money look real anymore, they're so desperate to have anything to pay with.

And Zooey Deschanel-- sniff, sniff-- is off the market, thanks to (Mystery Boyfriend Revealed) Ben Gibbard, of Death Cab For Cutie.

If The Casting Director Asks You To Remove Your Clothes, It May Be A Porn Audition

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 18:23:00 GMT

Or, in the case of these three women in the UK, if the casting director plays you a video of people having hardcore sex you're either a) auditioning for a porno or b) auditioning for a porno and should take off running before you get jumped...

Equity claims to have received numerous complaints about a production company that calls women in for an audition, ostensibly for a new comedy series with risque humor, then makes them watch pornos and asks them if they "don't mind a little cock and balls in their faces." Umm... isn't this sexual harassment?

Or a bad episode of Casting Cough or First Time Porn Auditions? (You know, compared to the usual really bad episodes?)

One actress reacts: "I thought they were getting us to sign this in case we, as actors, felt uncomfortable seeing the guy's front while the camera saw his back. They had planted a seed in our minds that it was like Little Britain, which does have nudity. They sold it as risque comedy, but clean at heart."

And another: "In my mind, it was hardcore pornography. To say this is comedy is just ludicrous. This would not be aired on any terrestrial channel."

What are you talking about, this isn't comedy? Have you seen an episode of First Time Porn Auditions? That's the very definition of comedy, people...

Quotes via the Telegraph.

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 21:05:00 GMT

You get a bonus 6th video this week, thanks to our being unable to decide between the two best scenes in a certain David Lynch movie...

5. Gia. Angelina Jolie rocketed to (semi-)stardom following her Golden Globe win for this hugely successful TV movie. There are many, many sex scenes in this film (could that be the reason it wasn't released theatrically?)-- we picked this one at random, but they're all worth checking out in their own ways.

4. Wild Things. This is more like an entry for "Top 5 Orgy Sex Scenes" or something, but there is some nice girl-on-girl, even if Matt Dillon does get in the way.

3. Better Than Chocolate. We almost included the jailbait-y Thirteen in this list, but nah. This is softcore porn for lesbians, sort of the cinematic L Word. We think that'll give you some idea of what's to come in this 4-minute clip, with the sexy stuff starting about a minute in...

2 (tie). Mulholland Drive. Still arguably the best movie so far this century, this scary-as-fuck freakshow grips you from the first frame to the widely-discussed last. Part of the reason is unquestionably these two sex scenes, one of which is our second favorite of all time. (We think you can guess which.)

1. Bound. Yeah, yeah. You saw this pick coming as soon as you saw the word "Lesbian" in our headline. Good for you. Now, settle down... we're trying to enjoy this...

Gina Gershon & Jennifer Tilly Lesbian Scene - Click here for more amazing videos

Runners Up: High Art, Thirteen, Monster, Showgirls and the Hunger (which we covered in our Top 5 Sex Scenes From the 1980s list), plus whatever you nominate in the comments section. Hell, we will probably end up doing a Part Two somewhere down the road...

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 17:12:00 GMT

For 40 smackers (in today's, you know, perfect economy), a copy of Timothy White's Hollywood Pinup could be yours. And, let us say, based on all available evidence, it would surely be worth your bottom dollar.

However, you would do almost as well just to see all the best photos from its steamy pages, after the jump...

Batting first is Angie Harmon, who we're pretty sure voted for John McCain yesterday. Luckily for her, she has other redeeming ass-pects to her personality...

Up next is the always jailbait-looking 23-year-old Michelle Trachtenberg:

Kate Hudson, you probably have a pretty decent personality, but how can we pay any attention to that when you pose for see-through ass shots?

You can see Susan Sarandon here and a nearly-butt-naked Rebecca DeMornay here. Meanwhile, we'll leave you with Mary-Kate Olsen... who normally we want nothing to do with. (We're in that minority of guys who think it's creepy to lust after the Olsen twins. Nonetheless, enjoy!)

Ah... now we get it.

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I Love Myself For Loving You: Amy Ryan

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 18:13:00 GMT

She deserved an Oscar for Gone Baby Gone. She was on our favorite show of all time, The Wire. And she's a New Yorker who doesn't act like "the quintessential New Yorker" (i.e. impersonal, egotistical, etc.)

For these and many more reasons, we might actually buy the New York Post this Sunday...

These are excerpts from excerpts from this Sunday's Page Six Magazine with one of our favorite working actresses (and thank God for the "working" part of it...)

On NBC's The Office: “I think it’s one of the funniest shows on TV. I felt so lucky to go [to work and] laugh my head off. I’ve been guaranteed to screw up at least three takes a day, ruining my makeup in the process by crying with laughter – that’s how funny the cast is.”
“I guess I should have just done a reality show, gone out in dresses without my panties and skipped the years of hard work- then everyone would know who I am. Being a working actor was always the goal. It wasn’t about fame for me. But now that I’m older, and I’ve been at it a while, I’m ready for the attention. I think I’ve earned it.”

On Gone Baby Gone: “The role was like winning the lottery. I had been playing scratch-offs for years and finally the stars aligned for me. I was up against incredible actresses like Cate Blanchett, Ruby Dee and Tilda Swinton. Are you kidding me? Of course I didn’t expect to win!”
“I grew up in the same house in Queens my dad grew up in. My family keeps me grounded and deeply rooted in New York. There’s no chance of me getting a big head.”
“I never envisioned a white dress with rice being pelted at my head, [but] I do understand the beauty of choosing life with one person." [There's still hope for you and I, Ms. Ryan...]
“I’m a Barack Obama supporter. He has the knowledge, work ethic and charisma needed to make a change. I don’t think anyone should vote based on what a celebrity has to say, but come Election Day, I hope others agree with me.”

Nope... we couldn't love her more. See the full interview in this Sunday's Page Six Magazine. There, we said it: we want you to read the Post.

Image via W Magazine.

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Olga Kurylenko: "My Treasure Trove of Topless Photos Don't Count As Porn"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 16:52:00 GMT

It used to be "become a Bond girl, end up doing softcore Hollywood porn later." Now, it seems getting that in order to get the attentions of 007's producers, you have to do a bunch of nude scenes or topless spreads in order to land the role of one the spy's femme fatales...

Since we're as excited as can be for Quantum of Solace, the followup to Casino Royale, we will find every excuse imaginable to talk about it. Even better when that excuse involves posting a series of nude photos and other career highlights from our second favorite* new Bond babe.

Speaking of these photos to IMDB News, Kurylenko says:

"There are no actresses who haven't appeared naked. These things are not unusual.
"All the magazine pictures are artistic. I didn't do any pornography. It was all done in silhouette. It was advertising stuff.
"It's something I have done but it's not what I enjoy doing. It was part of the job. I haven't been modelling for a few years now. I don't have to. Movies are my passion.
"I always have respect towards people and I do everything with love and respect. There are much graver things in the world to worry about."

No actresses who haven't appeared naked? In that case, Olga, please fill us in on where we might find Scarlett Johansson, Grace Kelly, and full frontal Kerry Washington photos...

Quotes via IMDB.

*We still have our hearts set on Gemma Arterton, sorry.

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Lizzy Caplan, Not To Be Outdone By Anna Paquin, Takes It Off For True Blood

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 21:01:00 GMT

We have no idea who this Lizzy Caplan person is, but she has graciously agreed to match the nudity donation offer by her True Blood co-star Anna Paquin, who herself kicked off our weekend last Friday...

We gotta say, however, that this True Blood show is one of the weirdest shows we've ever seen. It's like Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossed with a Shannon Tweed film and directed by an inebriated and deceased Edgar Allen Poe. Check out what happens when the vampiric actors get jiggy with it... magical CGI shoots out of their hands and... wait, what is that coming out of her boobs?

The video is here (obviously NSFW.) Enjoy-- or scratch your head and wonder and enjoy... and happy Friday.

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Top 10 Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgeries

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 19:29:00 GMT

For no particular reason (well, other than that there's nothing much out there today except political news), we decided to start Halloween early: a series of the worst celebrity plastic surgeries.

And remember, kids, unless you've been in a motorcycle accident (like suave mofo Gary Busey!)-- or some equally scarring experience-- it's better to stick with what you were born with, flaws and all...

10. Janice Dickinson: Is that her or Penelope Cruz put through a brutal Photoshopping?

9. Lil' Kim: "Sorry, but we already cast Catherine Zeta-Jones as Cleopatra."

8. Tara Reid tries to reenact that Seinfeld episode with her belly button: "Helloooooooooo..."

7. Kenny Rogers -- Looks like The Gambler gambled and lost to Beverly Hills. There's nothing wrong with looking 80, Kenny, when you've always looked 79 anyway.

6. Farrah Fawcett (see top of this page.) Holy God, is that Melanie Griffith, aged by computer to the year 3028? Nope, that's the woman who we thought was going to age like Sophia Loren. Come on, now, get some help, please...

5. Mickey Rourke. Some say this was due to a post-Hollywood boxing career gone Jake La Motta, but even Jake himself couldn't have caused this much damage to this dude.

4. (tie) Jenna Jameson and Pamela Anderson. Why would the world's #1 porn star need even more attention? Why would Pamela Anderson need bigger boobs? You know when even Howard Stern thinks you're perfect, there's no one left to please...

3. Joan Rivers. Yeah, this one you know... you've seen her on E!, everyone's been ragging on her for years about it, we'll move on.

2. Melanie Griffith -- too scary to post here. Click on this link at your own peril.

1. Michael Jackson, a manchild who needs no introduction... well, only this:

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True Blood's Anna Paquin In First (True) Nude Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 17:49:00 GMT

Without The Wire, Sex and the City, and the Sopranos, and with Curb Your Enthusiasm and Flight of the Conchords between seasons, HBO is in a tough spot. How do they replicate their incredible (and well-deserved) success with the newer shows?

Somebody had the right idea: vampires, Anna Paquin, and rampant nudity...

The above is an exclusive still from the video, which is available here for download and here to watch in three bite-size and disappointing parts.

It's better to just peek at the pictures and wish this weren't some Grade-Z softcore porn sex scene, which is way less than what a talented and beautiful Academy Award winner deserves. (We're betting HBO realizes that and they're just getting warmed up... after all, this is still True Blood's first season. Hopefully, we'll have more clips to show you soon...)

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 20:49:00 GMT

Say what you will about Tom Cruise's oddball ex-wife (at least, that's how we've always thought she comes off in interviews-- the "odd" part, that is), but Nicole Kidman gets the blood boiling faster than washing down a Cialis with a double espresso. Concentrating on that tantalizing mouth and the rest of her face-- and not the usually terrible films-- is helpful...

5. Birth. Speaking of oddball, this movie certainly fits that bill. We won't bore you with the details, since the only thing you need to know is the following clip, which shows that Nicole would make a very hot movie lesbian-- love that short hair...

4. Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus

Did you know Nicole and Robert Downey, Jr. did a very nice three minute sex scene in a somewhat well-received Hollywood feature film just two years ago? If you didn't know about this already, it could be thanks to the current Mr. Nicole Kidman, who checked himself into rehab during the runup to the film's release; the actress canceled all publicity for the movie and fled to London, leaving Fur to languish here...

3. Malice. This is one of those movies that's all about its own cleverness and cramming as many twists and turns as it can into a two hour boondoggle. Luckily, they had enough room for the sex.

2. Dead Calm. Telling you what's happening here might fall under "Spoilers." Plus, it might make you vomit. Just pretend it's role playing, okay?

1. Eyes Wide Shut. A movie featuring her then-husband but a sex scene from that movie that doesn't? Hot.

Honorable Mention: Billy Bathgate

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I Love Myself For Loving You: Patricia Clarkson

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 20:20:00 GMT

We were flipping through the channels yesterday when we came across future two-time Emmy-winning actress and southern belle Patricia Clarkson in her breakout screen role: The Dead Pool, opposite Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry. It actually made us, for the first time in ages, sit through even a moment of a movie edited (and censored) for television.

The most amazing thing about Clarkson's good looks and talents isn't that they are still of the highest caliber, it's that they seem to be even stronger now...

Compare the picture of Clarkson above, who turns 49 at the end of this year, taken recently, with this clip from The Dead Pool, from two decades ago. Isn't Clarkson, who went on to star in The Station Agent, All the King's Men, and Good Night and Good Luck, as well as Six Feet Under, hotter now than most Hollywood movie stars in their supposed "prime?"

And, of course... this is all just an excuse to post Clint Eastwood movies dubbed in Spanish. So much funnier!

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Nude Photo Book Just Made Famous French Actress A Lot More Famous

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 14:56:00 GMT

Emmanuelle Beart, a French movie star who never made the big time over in the States, is responsible for the biggest-selling issue of Elle of all time. (This would be no big deal if she hadn't been 41, naked, and almost forgotten at the time.)

Four years later, she's back with what some are calling the first actress-starring all-nude book since Madonna's Sex in the early 90s...

First, here's the cover that caused a sensation in France in '04:

'Nuff said about that. Moving on... Beart's new book, with photographs of the actress by Sylvie Lancrenon, is entitled Cuba Libre, and is comprised of shots of Beart from a Havana shoot this past Februrary. Unfortunately, according to the UK press, the 60-euro book is already sold out, so no pictures for you.

However, we'll do the next best thing: a treasure trove of Beart from over the years...