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Who Would You Rather: Kate vs. Juliet?

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 22:06:00 GMT

Okay, we don't want to give up too much about last night's LOST season finale (but hello! Jacob! WTF?!?!), but after watching Sawyer's breakdown, we have to ask, who would you rather, Kate or Juliet?

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Nancy Grace vs. Rachael Ray?

Who Would You Rather: Jon Favreau vs. Jon Favreau?

Who Would You Rather, Celebrity Chef Edition: Gordon Ramsay vs. Bobby Flay?

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Ace of Cakes' LOST Cake

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 20:25:00 GMT

To celebrate (what we assume is the taping of) LOST's 100th episode, the folks at ABC brought in the pros from Ace of Cakes to make the sweet cake pictured above. But perhaps more exciting are the Dharma beer cupcakes, "chugged" by Sawyer. Well, that and the obligatory Juliette's-boobs-next-to-the-cake shot.

Is it just us or does she look really good dirty?

Related:

Crush of the Week: The Newest Couple on "Lost" (With Bonus Boob Talk)

LOST Producers Throw Us a Bone, Disney Takes it Away

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes**

**Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt**

Marry, F*ck or Kill: Sexy Doctor Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 21:05:00 GMT

Sixteen million people watched the E.R. series finale last night. We were not among them, but if our Twitter feed is any indication, old-school fans were seriously missing sexy, sexy Dr. Ross, played many seasons ago by George Clooney. And that got us thinking about how glad we are to still have Lost's Matthew Shepherd in our lives. We thought we'd do a little "Who Would You Rather: Dr. Ross vs. Dr. Shepherd?" but then we remembered Dr. McDreamy, played by Patrick Dempsey on Grey's Anatomy. Ah! So many sexy doctors, so little time—the perfect situation for a very important decision: which TV doctor do you marry, which do you fuck and which do you DNR?

Shawn Johnson And Her Partner's Johnson Slip

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:38:00 GMT

We don't watch TV. Period. We download Breaking Bad, watch 30 Rock online, and sneak over to the neighbors when Weeds is airing new episodes. Other than that, there's really no reason to ever turn on the television for anything but DVDs or Nintendo.

But we kind of wish we'd seen this broadcast of Dancing With the Stars because we'd like to think we would have caught it before Deadpsin did...

And the detail that censors missed:

That Johnson (no, the other one) belongs to Marc Ballas (no pun intended), who is suddenly the most famous member (no pun intended) of this pair (really, this is unintentional.) As Deadpsin notes, Shawn is not exactly thrilled with this week's developments-- first, some crazy guy may have tried to kidnap her; then, the above image, which is all anyone wants to talk about from her performance.

Then again, she should have said something to Marc-- doesn't she know what that kind of fabric will do to a guy's Johnson and Ballas?

Rubber Penis a "misappropriation of taxpayers' money and extremely offensive"

The Tale of the Penis Thief

Jessica Simpson's... Ass Slip?

Awkward Tuesday: Is "The Bachelor" Fixed, Fact or Fiction?

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 18:41:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Here's the conversation we had with our sister during the premiere of this season of The Bachelor:

Our sister: I hate Jason.
Us: What? Why? He's awesome.
Our sister: I think he's evil.
Us: You're crazy.

OMG. She was right. He is evil. And a crybaby...

The thing is, there were so many awkward moments during last night's three-hour ordeal that it's difficult to know where to begin.

First, the episode...

This Week in Gayness: Don't Ask... Just Don't Ask

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:40:00 GMT

Good As You alerted us to Focus on the Family's hilariously awful anti-gay conference in Charlotte. They also put a human face on Jeff Johnston, an "ex-gay" who is obviously not human because it's not possible for anyone to change their sexual orientation.

This guy would be Keith Olbermann's worst person in the world if anyone knew who he was: a gay Minnesota Republican who is against gay rights. Paul Koering will vote against "the Marriage and Family Protection Act, a bill that would make Minnesota's marriage laws gender-neutral, allowing same-sex couples many of the rights currently denied by Minnesota statute."

The roles have been cast and the parents approved of the script. And then a high school principal decided to cancel a student production of Rent due to prostitution and homosexual" content. (There are gay characters, but no prostitution.)

To one Utah Republican, the greatest threat to America is: conspiratorial Chinese economists [no], Osama Bin Laden [no], the gays. 12% of ABC.com readers agree.

A young gay Army vet was killed by another young gay man who appears to have been upset at his own sexuality.

First of all, a guy has to go from being a gay porn star to working at Subway. Worse, he has to endure getting fired from his job at Subway when his previous career choice is discovered. Queers United takes up his case.

While most of the country is still stuck in this ridiculous debate about gay marriage, Massachusetts is trying to implement transgender equality.

And, at last, a straight veteran speaks out in favor of abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and letting gays serve openly.

Homophobic Phelps Clan to Picket/Pick-On High School Students

Enterprising Teenager Amasses Collection of Solicited Nude Photos

This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West Dresses Better Than the Gays

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

It turns out T.R. Knight isn't the only actor leaving the cast of Grey's Anatomy. Katherine Heigl is on her way out, too. [Defamer]

Rihanna, who was allegedly beat-up by her boyfriend Chris Brown, has been released from the hospital but is postponing a show she's set to play in Malaysia. [Yahoo!]

We're totally onboard for the Michael Phelps backlash-backlash. [Jossip]

Want to know what the hell kind of fertility clinic would inseminate a 33-year-old single mother of six with eight fucking more babies? [SNAFU-ed]

Britney Spears took her assistant back from the Jonas Brothers. Damn straight. [Us]

Media outlets are looking for sugar daddies to get them through the recession. Come to think of it, we wouldn't mind one, either. [DailyIntel]

Guys, Kanye West is just really secure with his manhood, okay? "There's a lot of gay people that I dress way better than." [MTV]

[Image]

Wall Street Madam Goes Down. Alone.

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:24:00 GMT

New York madam Kristin Davis—who once counted former New York governor Eliot Spitzer among her clients—is going down. But her clients aren't gong down with her. At least not yet.

After her arrest, Davis pleaded guilty to "promoting prostitution" and forfeited nearly $500,000 in profits. And even after she offered her client list to the district attorney's office, Davis said they "showed no interest" in pursuing the men who would charge prostitution services to corporate credit cards. Many ordered her to send invoices for computer consulting and construction expenses—fraud on their part, according to former New York prosecutor Sid Baumgarten.

Davis did however, give her list to ABC News, who gladly accepted it.

From her list, ABC determined that clients included:

-a vice president of NBC Universal
-a part owner of an MLB team
-a major New York real estate developer who would "come to the door wearing women's panties"
-bankers and directors from JP Morgan Securities, Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, Lehman Brothers and Deutsche Bank

A defense attorney who has represented madams before says that in New York, while Davis "was prosecuted for a felony, the clients would be guilty of misdemeanors."

Davis is aware she's getting the short end of the shaft here:

"I, as the proprietor of a business get arrested and lose everything, when no one that was frequenting my business, spending $200,000, $300,000 a year, has been punished in any way or even looked into."

She has not yet decided whether she'll release her client list to the public, but considering she's written a book and has leaked it to ABC news, we plan on seeing it pretty soon.

Her interview with ABC airs tonight on 20/20 at 10 p.m. ET.

[ABC: CEOs, Bankers Used Corporate Credit Cards for Sex, Says New York Madam]

Related:

Rumor: Governor Running A Brothel Out of His Office

David Vitter: "Thank Christ You Forgot About Me"

Ashley Dupré: Whoring and Boring on 20/20

Sloppy Seconds: Ever Wonder What Kind-of Idiot Falls for Nigerian Email Scams?

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 00:28:00 GMT

Matthew Fox (a.k.a. hottie hot hot Dr. Jack Shephard) says it's "a relief" that LOST is finally coming to an end. While we agree that it would be nice to know what the-f the Black Smoke Monster is and where The Island went, we know we'll be lost without LOST. [Us]

As much as we're 'meh' about Will Smith, we have to agree with him: he does have the ears to play Barack Obama. [Daily Express]

Somebody did a study about Axe body spray, but we don't have the energy to sort out the results. [AdAge]

Would you like to know exactly where to find those jackasses who donated money to pass Prop8 live? Look no further. [eightmaps]

While we feel kind-of sorry for this kid who lost $150,000 of his parents' money to a Nigerian email scam we have to ask? Rly? Srsly? WTF? [Windsor Star]

Video of the Day: A LOST Sneak Peek

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:19:00 GMT

Mewhehahahaahooonh! That's the sound of us squealing with joy over the fact that someone released a two-minute sneak peek of the upcoming season of LOST (which doesn't premiere until January 21).

Two "lawyers" show up at Kate's door requesting a blood sample from her and Aaron. We're guessing it's Ben, using his power to make her run... because where is the one place she'll go where she'll never be found?

Anyway, clip after the jump.

Mewhehahahaahooonh!

Related:

"Lost" Writers Need Your Ideas. STAT!

Crush of the Week: The Newest Couple on "Lost" (With Bonus Boob Talk)

LOST Producers Throw Us a Bone, Disney Takes it Away

Video of the Day: Kate from "Lost" Is Looking to Meet Singles Just Like You

Today in Unlikely Couples: David Spade and....

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 18:11:00 GMT

David Spade was caught smooching with a new lady over the weekend. We were surprised when David Spade dated Heather Locklear. And again when he married some model. So we're not all that surprised by this. It's not that he's unattractive, he's just... David Spade, you know?

So, who is Spade's new lady friend?

Nicollette Sheridan and David Spade were spotted smooching Friday night at Beverly Hills restaurant Luau. There to celebrate Sheridan's 45th birthday, the pair — who arrived separately and began dinner at separate booths — 'couldn't resist each other for long,' a source tells Usmagazine.com.

According to the source, Spade winked at Sheridan and was by her side as she blew out the candles on her birthday cake. Later, the pair reportedly holed up in a booth where they 'cuddled and kissed.'

Sheridan's people say she's not dating Spade. Mhmm.

[MollyGood: New Make Out Buddies Alert]

Related:

The Last Days of Chris Farley

Sloppy Seconds: Desperate Housewives

While You Were Sleeping: Sex and Chocolate

[Image, Image]

More On ABC Cancelling "Pushing Daisies" And "Dirty Sexy Money"

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 20:25:00 GMT

ABC canceled yet another one of our favorite shows, Pushing Daisies, and our brother blog, The Remote Island, has the deets.

Well, a couple hours have gone by, and the facts are still these: according to Entertainment Weekly and about a billion other places, ABC will not order additional episodes of Eli Stone, Pushing Daisies, or Dirty Sexy Money. Wow.

Who Will Be the First to Interview President Obama?

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:39:00 GMT

You may have thought Scanner Brian would be the first to snag an interview with our new president, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, one of those fancy "real" news outlets beat us to it.

"60 Minutes" will get the first interview with President Elect Obama and our soon-to-be First Lady, Michelle Obama.

The interview is scheduled to take place with Steve Kroft today and it will air this Sunday at 7. So set your TiVo and invite us over. We'll bring the casserole.

[CBS: President-Elect Obama On 60 Minutes Sunday]

Related:

CBS News Correspondent Embroiled In Career-Defining Sex Scandal

Shameless Self Promotion: My Book!

While You Were Sleeping: The New American Idol Judge

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LOST Producers Throw Us a Bone, Disney Takes it Away

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 19:12:00 GMT

Apparently, yesterday promos for Season 5 of "LOST" were floating around on the interwebs... you know, the season we have to wait until NEXT YEAR for. But just as quickly as the promos arrived, they disappeared. Disney, being the greedy bastards they are, have apparently removed all traces of a "LOST" 2009 from the web—and before we even had a chance to see them! So, if anyone knows where we can catch even just a glimpse of Jack and Sun and Kate (even though we don't really like her, we miss her), do let us know in the comments section.

Sloppy Seconds: Was Lilo Just Joking About the Whole Coming Out Thing? Yeah, Sure.

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 21:02:00 GMT

D.J. AM has been released from the hospital following the plane crash that left him and Travis Barker badly burned and four people dead. [Us]

Move over Katie Couric; Rachel Maddow is the new queen of news. [Queerty]

Is ABC's "Brothers & Sisters" getting another surprise sibling? [Yahoo!]

Apparently we're all supposed to go and listen to Britney Spears' new song now. [MTV]

US Olympic swim champ Michael Phelps says he's no sex symbol. We agree, but women around the world do not. [People]

OMG! Lilo was totally not saying she was a lesbian when she said that she and Sam Ronson had been together "a very long time." [MollyGood]

Who Would You Rather: House vs. McDreamy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:23:00 GMT

Plus the results of our "Who Would You Rather: Julie Newmar vs. Michelle Pfeiffer" Catwoman edition...

The winner... Julie Newmar, with 53% of the vote. (Of course, Eartha Kitt may have played third party spoiler in this case...)

Which is the bigger TV doctor sex symbol? Hugh Laurie, as the title character on Fox's "House, M.D." or Patrick Dempsey as Dr. McSteamy on ABC's "Grey's Anatomy"? Future philosophers will debate this very question over robot-made Red Bull Infused Hot Tea... or whatever they'll be doing in 2009...

Previously:

Who Would You Rather: Michelle Pfeiffer vs. Julie Newmar

Who Would You Rather, Celebrity Chef Edition: Gordon Ramsay vs. Bobby Flay?

Who Would You Rather?: Kanye West vs. Jay Z

Who Would You Rather: Founding Fathers Edition

The Face of the Orgasm

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:00:00 GMT

TV reporters will do anything, including have sex and orgasms on camera, if it means career advancement.

So it's no surprise that someone put together this lovely, hilarious, and often arousing screenshot compilation of various Fox News reporters and other TV-talking-heads getting off live on the air...

Here are some of our favorites:

There's more... if you have that kind of time on your hands.

Hero of the Day: NJ Citizen Traffic Cop

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Not this guy.

We were in the middle of beating the heat (sounds so dirty) by scarfing down buckets of Yolato gelato yesterday, when we happened to catch this guy on the five o'clock news...

It was on ABC 7 (NY/NJ/CT): a man in what appeared to be a wife beater t-shirt, directing traffic without being asked when the east coast heatwave knocked out area traffic lights. We wish we had a better picture than the one above, but ABC 7 apparently moved on to the latest triple murders and molesting teachers and the wonderful video is not on their website.

Reasons we love the lone man against the traffic guy (the closest America's going to come to the lone student against the tank in Tiananmen Square?):

1) He had absolutely no reason to help. It was hotter than an Eva Mendes-Scarlett Johansson sex tape yesterday and yet he stood out there in the bright sun, making sure other people made it home in one piece.

2) Could have been killed. After last week's story on the hit-and-run in Hartford, we're afraid to cross traffic, let alone stand in the middle of it.

3) Honking, middle fingers, and revving engines. There was no sound from the scene during ABC's broadcast, so who knows if drivers were polite. If they weren't, it may have gotten ugly out there. If it did, our loner only seemed more encouraged as the video guys on, excitedly waving and stopping, motioning and halting.

4) He's probably drunk. It's the middle of the day and he's walking around Northern New Jersey with just an undershirt and apparently has nowhere to be in a hurry? Yeah, he was blitzed out of his gourd. Nonetheless, bonus points for keeping it together.

And for that, he's our Hero of the Day. Every day.

PREVIOUS: Today in the Apocalypse: Hartford Hit and Run

Image via Flickr.

ABC Chopped Down Scanner Emily's Happy Tree

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 May 2008 19:17:00 GMT

Scanner Emily here, leaving the "we" because I think I do not speak for my fellow Scanner bloggers when professing my love of "Men in Trees."

Another year older, another dream crushed. ABC has canceled "Men in Trees" the dramedy about New York relationship coach/author Marin Frist (Anne Heche) who moves to Elmo, Alaska to find love and finish her book in peace.

This is tragic for me for a number of reasons. One being, I don't get the best television reception with my rabbit ears, so "Men in Trees" is so easy for me to watch whenever, wherever I want online. But really, I just love the premise of the show way too much. Maybe it's my obsession with mountain men and being outdoors. In fact, I'm sure it is. And that, coupled with a New York writer woman moving to the middle of nowhere and finding romantic possibilities with more than one sexy mountain man... well, I can't say it hasn't made me look into moving to Alaska on more than one occasion.

And now, after the show had been moved to about six different time slots and was put on two long hiatuses, it has been canceled. Anyone who watches the "Men in Trees" (anyone?) knows that there are certainly some loose ends yet to be tied up, but apparently the writers planned for that and shot an alternate season finale that could also serve as the series finale.

While the show won't go on, maybe the love affair between its stars will. Heche and co-star James Tupper left their respective marriages to become off-screen lovers. So maybe a city girl's dream can still come true (no, not divorce). Tupper was kind-of a small-town guy. And Heche did meet him in a rural area, even though it was a Vancouver set and not the wilds of Alaska.

*Sigh*

[Previously: I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"]

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"Lost" Writers Need Your Ideas. STAT!

Emily Farris — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 16:15:00 GMT

Is Jin really dead or is he still on the Island? Does Ji Yeon really not belong to Jin after all? Because the time/space continuum was all fucked up and even though it looked like Sun was eight weeks pregnant on Juliette's ultrasound and they thought they'd been on the island more than eight weeks, maybe they actually hadn't? Because wouldn't she be dead right now if she'd conceived on the Island? Even if she got off?

And what the fuck is the four-toed statue? And the black smoke monster? And what does it have to do with time travel? And who is the guy on the ship with the big teeth and the wife beater? And why do I hate him so much?

Is it really 1988 on the Island? Is that why Locke can walk? Because the 2004 version of the passengers of flight Oceanic815 landed in the ocean while the 1988 version is on the Island, alive and still kicking? But how does that explain Aaron? Wouldn't Claire have gone back to being, like, four? Ah! Aaron? Fucking Kate! Ahhhhhhh!

Well, the writers of "Lost" seem to be just as lost as we are because they want you to upload your "video theories" to ABC.com. This is their super-clever, "interactive" way of asking you to do their job, because apparently, they've dug themselves a plot so deep, even they can't find their way out of it.

From ABC.com:

"What's happening to the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815? Who are the Others? What is the island and where is everybody? Tell us what you think! Upload your LOST video theory now!"

Hey, how about you tell us what you think, and we'll tell you if you're right? Eh?

We had to actually sign-up for an account at ABC.com and give them our address (though we gave a fake one) to get this information, but they've done a good job of covering their asses if that's what they're really up to.

We are pleased to hear from our visitors and welcome your comments regarding our products and services. Unfortunately, however, our long-standing company policy does not allow us to accept or consider unsolicited creative ideas, suggestions or materials. We hope you will understand that it is the intent of this policy to avoid the possibility of future misunderstandings when projects developed by us or under the direction of us might seem to others to be similar to their own creative work. Please do not send us any unsolicited materials such as ideas, concepts, pitches, suggestions, stories, screenplays, treatments, formats, artwork, photographs, drawings, videos, audiovisual works, musical compositions (including lyrics), sound recordings, program formats, characterizations and/or other similar materials ("Unsolicited Submissions").

Nope, just send your "theory."

Here's one theory we think is pretty likely, though it still doesn't answer all of our questions. Will anything, ever, answer all of our questions? What can explain the black smoke monster, the four-toed statue and the corroding wombs? And how can it all be wrapped up by 2010?

[ABC.com: Lost Theories: Upload Your Video!]

[Previously on Scanner: Video of the Day: What the F*ck Happens Next in LOST?]

To Catch a "Sophisticated" Predator

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 18:33:00 GMT

What's the difference between a plain old child predator and a sophisticated child predator? A sophisticated child predator writes things like this on the internet:

"My thanks to you and all the others that, together, make this the greatest group of pedos to gather in one place," James Freeman, who authorities say went by the screen name "Mystikal," wrote, according to the indictment. "I'm honored just to be a part of it."

Also, sophisticated predators apparently use encryption to communicate with each other, drug five-year-olds, and run their child porn rings like businesses.

[ABC News: 'Sophisticated' Child Porn Ring Busted]

Hey ABC: The Queers are Here; Get Used To It

Bryan Christian — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 15:55:00 GMT

Not cool, American Broadcasting Company. Not only did you subject us to yet another Barbara Walters special last night, but you also removed Scott Rudin's loving reference to his "partner" from your transcript of his Best Picture acceptance speech.

And here we'd thought Atonement had been the biggest loser of the night.

[via Jossip]

Totally Bummed by Our Sawyer Nickname

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 20:14:00 GMT

We've recently become addicted to LOST. We caught the end of last season and learned a few days ago that we can watch every single episode from every single season in HD on ABC.com. We're trying to watch the first three seasons before Thursday night, when a new episode airs, but it's been keeping us up until 3:30 or so every night and we're not even halfway through the first season. We forget how prolific television was before the writers' strike.

Anyway, we got super excited about Sawyer's Nickname Generator at ABC.com, because how cute is Freckles? Well, we're not so happy with our nickname. Not at all. In fact, we're almost heartbroken. Could he not come up with anything better for us?

Generate your Sawyer nickname here. We hope it's better than ours.

Pointless 5-Year Old Shower Scene Costs ABC $1.43 million

Bryan Christian — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 17:00:00 GMT

As if that Mass Effect clip wasn't disappointing enough. Now we have to sit through this sub-Troma-level shower scene from a 2003 ep of NYPD Blue, which for some reason the FCC is only now fining the network for, to the tune of... well, you read the headline.

"We find that the programming at issue is within the scope of our indecency definition because it depicts sexual organs and excretory organs -- specifically an adult woman's buttocks," the FCC wrote in its ruling.

ABC argued that the scene was necessary to "illustrate the complexity and awkwardness involved when a single parent brings a new romantic partner into his or her life."

Uh huh. So no one's using common sense on this one. Well, at least it's a fair fight.