Scanner : Wisconsin

More of the Best of "The Best of Craiglist"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:43:00 GMT

It's hard to believe it's been almost ten years since Craig's List officially took over the internet. Craig Newmark's baby has long since proved its staying power and questions about its eventual demise are considered silly since no end appears to be in sight.

Another sign of its vitality is the continuing presence of wacky, original posts showcasing North America's admirable ability to not always take itself so seriously. These few posts prove the site will always be ridiculous, bizarre, unfiltered, and entirely readable... if only in the "Best of" section, which thankfully weeds out the dick pics and political maniacs.

First, a personal ad that makes us wish we were lesbians...

best of craigslist > montreal >

Con U muslim lesbo looking for sweaty "ententes" with Jewish McGillian

What's with the McGill snobbery? Are Concordia dykes chopped liver already?

I'm a sexy Palestinian-born, Concordia-educated lesbian looking to make my very personal, very profound statement for peace by offering my luscious bod to a Jewish McGill gal to do with as she pleases. Let us bridge our cultural and institutional differences in a shuddering display of joy and togetherness and be an example to the rest of the world

Come break some taboon bread with me and I'll sip your Manischewitz wine.

محبوب

Republican at CPAC

Yo... young Republican guy here, attending CPAC this weekend. Looking for a discreet, masculine guy to fool around with. Conservative, closeted guys preferred... would like to meet someone attending CPAC (there are plenty of guys looking for action there), so we have something to talk about. Into making out, jerking off, oral... maybe fucking. I'm 5'9, masculine, 7"uc, brown/ blue.

Be in good shape, under 30, and drug/ disease free. Send pics in first email.

Would prefer to meet up at your place, since I'm sharing a room....

Location: DC

best of craigslist > ann arbor

The Streaker Tripper - m4w

I was streaking through the Diag Friday night at 2:15 am. Coming around the corner of State and Liberty, fast as a naked blur, I bumped into you and we both fell to the ground. I was a little upset with you at first, cuz I scratched my right butt cheek pretty bad, but I knew it was my fault. You said, "Nice New Balances," And all I could say was, "Thanks," with the adrenaline still rushing. In less awkward circumstances, I would have liked to talk to you. I had never run into a girl that fast or naked before... I didn't know how to respond so I helped you up quickly and kept running. Since my friends paid me $100 for making it to Kerrytown with just my socks, shoes, and a big smile, I'd like to take you on a date. You looked pretty fit so maybe you'd like to go for a run sometime. Hit me up! Bye!

best of craigslist > madison

Looking for Bridesmaids - w4w

So, my fiancee and I are getting married in June. He has 8 groomsmen lined up and I only have one bridesmaid. So, I need some girls who are attractive and around my age to stand up in my wedding. You can be single or taken. It doesn't matter....you just have to be hot. But, not hotter then me. Email me for more information. The wedding will be in Madison and you won't have to pay for a thing.

Hope to hear from you!

There you have it, folks-- a dissection of love in North America, circa 2009. (See the full ads and more here.)

Related:

Rachel Maddow Talks Teabagging (Video)

While You Were Sleeping: Post-Sex Guilt

Superman, Lois & Lex as Never Seen Before

Hey, At Least the Sex Industry Is Still Hiring

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Lingerie

The Kinky Sex Murder At ABC News Radio

The Only Thing Stranger Than Love on Omegle: Blogger Marries a Commenter

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:34:00 GMT

We do not blog to get laid (even though we suspect Scanner Brian does). Not that the idea hasn't crossed our collective minds. When we were first offered this job we thought it would be a boon to our sex lives. You know: meet guy in a bar. Tell guy what we do. Guy falls all over us because he's so impresed. This obviously has not happened. Sure we're out a little less and shower a lot less because we blog professionally, which probably has a lot to do with it. But we have to admit we're surprised—and a little disappointed if we're being honest here—that of the tens of thousands of people who read Scanner every week not one is a bearded man who lives in the mountains of Kansas City and wants to ride bikes and eat hamburgers with us. But even if that man were to actually exist and he were to reveal himself in the comments section we can't imagine we'd be rushing off to meet him at a Royals game or anything. Maybe that's just us (because we can totally see Scanner Brian doing something like that).

Recently Ann Althouse, a professor in Wisconsin who blogs about politics, law and culture announced on her site that she would be marrying commenter "Meade." Her readers were about as shocked as you would be if we told you that we plan to marry "Apollo"—which we do not.

And we have to give the New York Times kudos for the first line of Sunday's story about the whole thing:

CONSIDER the erotic potential between blogger and commenters...

About four years ago, Mr. Meade happened upon Ms. Althouse’s blog, by clicking through a series of Web links originating on the popular blog written by Andrew Sullivan (who also snickered at her betrothal last week).

Intellectually smitten, Mr. Meade read Ms. Althouse’s blog daily, becoming a regular commenter. “He would write jokingly as if he was in love with me,” Ms. Althouse said. “You couldn’t tell if he was fooling around or not, but it warms your heart.”

Mr. Meade even followed a blog kept by Ms. Althouse’s ex-husband, Richard Cohen, a writer in Austin, Tex. Once, about three years ago, when Ms. Althouse and her ex had a blog-spat, Mr. Meade, whose marriage was then unraveling, commented on Mr. Cohen’s behalf.

Over the years, Mr. Meade developed a blog-crush on Ms. Althouse. His wry, eloquent commenter persona became even more flirtatious.

In December, in a private e-mail message, he asked whether they might meet. Nothing came of it.

Turns out that the way to a blog-woman’s heart is through the comments.
In a January post, Ms. Althouse listed lessons from Clint Eastwood’s film “Gran Torino.”

No. 5: “A young man should perceive when a girl likes him and he needs to ask her out to dinner and a movie before somebody else does.”

In front of the eyes and fingertips of thousands, Mr. Meade made his move.

Mr. Meade: “OK. Want to have dinner with me and see it again?”

Ms. Althouse: “Yes, but you’ll have to come to Madison.”

On the phone last week, Mr. Meade recalled that exchange. “It was a throwaway,” he said. “I didn’t expect Ann to answer. Even so, I thought, that’s the end of that. But then Knox noticed.”

That is, Knox, another commenter, who wrote: “Meade, this is HUGE! Meade ...? He must be packing.”

Apparently Meade was packing, because the two are now engaged and plan to marry in August.

[New York Times: Commoner Captures Princess, Blog Version]

Related:

Today in WTF: An Omegle Love Connection?

Hey, At Least the Sex Industry Is Still Hiring

Blogger-Reader Agreement

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Consecutive DUIs: Three Times a Lady

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:13:00 GMT

This tragicomic tale contains several points in the "comic" column, but it begins with a 60-year-old woman driving on her vacay while dipping into an open box of wine.

The news article does not specify whether the woman was a mom, but she probably is because boxed wine is for moms to get loaded at home. This woman didn't keep her box of wine at home, though, she took it on her road trip vacation in Wisconsin (sorry, but we found that part amusing as well; it's not the first place you think of for a road trip).

The first arrest happened on March 11th, when the woman was spotted by a deputy trying to drive out of a ditch. She had only one shoe on and a blood-alcohol level of 0.21. She was arrested again a day later while attempting to get her car out of the snow in a closed campground. This was clearly a budget road trip for these rough times we're all facing. At that time, she estimated she'd had "four or six cups" of wine.

"I am still finishing up the box of wine in my car from yesterday," she told the officer.

After 12 hours in jail, she was free again, then arrested again when her car was spotted driving "all over the road," read the police report.

Apparently the box of wine had been polished off at that point and half a bottle of wine was found. This time, her blood alchol level was .16, and the woman now faces 30 days in jail and fines in excess of $3,000. So much for the low-budget vacation.

Related:

Today in WTF: Nude Criminals On The Rise

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Holiday Gift Guide: Chocolate and the Nose: The Vosges Sensory Collection

Young Guy Waits In Tree For His Girlfriend To Come Along And Accept His Ring

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:14:00 GMT

You would think the police, parents, and school officials would be thrilled to death by a guy who waits up in a tree in Terre Haute, Indiana for his girlfriend to get out of school. See, he's going to propose marriage and has driven all the way for Michigan or Wisconsin or one of those crazy places and has the ring in his pocket and everything.

What a hopeless romantic, right? "Hopeless" might be the word for it, yes...

According to a variety of bloodthirsty news outlets, a 20-year-old internet dork named Alex Edwards drove down to Indiana from Wisconsin and waited for his girlfriend to get out of school so he could propose. Awww... shucks. As it turns out, his girlfriend is a 14-year-old eighth grader who has been telling everyone she's been trying to break up with this creep for ages. And yes, they've had sex.

Edwards was surrounded by cops by the time school let out and he had this to say about his predicament:

Alex Edwards, 20, admitted he had sexual relations with the girl last August. He told reporters before his court hearing Tuesday he believed the relationship “was the same as like a 26-year-old and a 20-year-old.”

Not quite, Casanova. You're now facing several years in prison, not to mention spending his 21st birthday (Sunday)... in Indiana. Ouch.

Via TribStar.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Jen and John Redux

Germany's Biggest Sex Scandal Comes To A Stunning Conclusion

This Guy Thought It Was OK To Sign Stepdaughter To Sex Contract

Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

The Journal Times in Racine, Wisconsin ran a story today about a 39-year-old man who was busted for "performing a sex act" in a dumpster. Steven Marcsis, as the paper was too "family friendly" to make clear, was most likely masturbating. In the dumpster.

And it gets much, much weirder...

1) Marcsis was only found because he thought it might be a good idea to put the lid on the dumpster so no kids would see him jerking off in there. A police officer noticed that it was weird that the dumpster was closed and, remembering the string of recent burglaries at the school, thought someone might be hiding in there... whoops.

2) For some reason, Marcsis told the police officers he was the (proud?) owner of child porn, so the cops went to his house, which is actually his mother's home, and found the addresses and birth dates of hundreds of schoolgirls who had passed through the school's sports programs. Apparently, Romeo was going to look them all up when they turned 18, right? Oh, and that child porn is totally unrelated to the matter, as his attorney will surely argue...

3) This is the first case in ages where, instead of grandstanding and rushing through a trial that sees the nut sentenced to 100 years in solitary confinement, the court has ordered the accused to undergo a competency evaluation before deciding whether he should stand trial. Many a zealous judge and prosecutor forget that ol' saying from somewhere... "forgive them... for they know not what they do."

Via The Journal Times.

Mama Bear Made Fantasties Come True For Teen Boys

With Headlines Like These Who Needs Stories?

Russian Recession Roast is One Piece of Meat We'll Not Eat

Enterprising Teenager Amasses Collection of Solicited Nude Photos

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

If you were to read only that headline, you would be forgiven for mistaking this tale for one of those "heartwarming" Good Morning America segments about the teens that turn their jewelery hobbies into multimillion-dollar online businesses.

Unfortunately, that's decidedly not the case with this creepy story...

According to a local AP report out of the Milwaukee, Wisconsin area, an eighteen-year-old boy named Anthony Stanci is in cuffs today, charged with "five counts of child enticement, two counts of second-degree sexual assault of a child, two counts of third-degree sexual assault, possession of child pornography, repeated sexual assault of the same child, and making a bomb threat."

And what did he do, except for that last charge, to warrant such a rap? He started a Facebook account and pretended to be a hot teenage girl, then got more than 30 (that is, 30 known) male victims to send him nude photos of themselves. When they did so, he stayed in character and threatened to take the pics to the proper adults-- and/or forward them widely over the internet-- if they did not comply with "her" demands to see the boys have sex with another boy-- Anthony Stanci, as it turns out.

Several of the boys actually went through with it. This went on for several months, until Stanci took things too far-- he concluded this sick sexual game wasn't enough to get back at his high school, so he called in a bomb threat that shut down classes. That's when the cops decided to snoop into sicko boy's background.

The maximum penalty if convicted on all charges is nearly 300 years in prison. [AP]

Stanci is facing a very rough life in prison, regardless of the length of his sentence-- an eighteen-year-old homosexual convicted of raping boys is about the worst imaginable setup for an inmate...

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen in the Fight of Her Life

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

Today in the Apocalypse: A 14-Year-Old Girl Did... What?!

To Catch a Teacher, Brooklyn Edition

Sloppy Seconds: The Abortion Donuts?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

While he chose to be overseas rather than attend the inauguration, Tom Cruise wants you to know he supports Obama.

Captain Sully was at the inauguration. Afterward, he took his family to a restaurant called the Hudson.

Diane Sawyer, who used to work for Nixon, really enjoyed herself at Obama's inaugural balls last night. This video clearly shows just how much she enjoyed it, if you know what we mean.

Malia and Sasha win... the Jonas Brothers!

Islamists in Malaysia want to ban Rihanna's concert there.

Strollerderby reported on the Krispy Kreme "abortion donuts" (a.k.a. doughnuts) nonsense.

Patti Lupone flipped her shit on a rude patron while singing live in Gypsy on Broadway-- now that's entertainment.

And this moron was the Mayor of a Wisconsin town... that is, until he was busted trying to pickup underage girls on the internet. Ouch.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Crushing News

Obamas Channel Reagans at Inaugural Ball

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

Sloppy Seconds: Kelis to Serve Up a Different Kind of Milkshake

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:22:00 GMT

Yesterday, two birds took down a Kansas City man's ice cream. Today, an entire plane full of people, right into the Hudson River. [BBC]

A 19-year-old Wisconsin woman is facing charges after she got drunk and ran pantsless through an IHOP. Good thing there were never cops around all the times we ran half naked through fast food chains. [The Smoking Gun]

A man in Atlantic City is facing charges after he posed as a female veterinarian and doing all the things veterinarians do, except, we hope, fixing cats and dogs and other furries. [Press of Atlantic City]

And dumbass Johnny Knoxville is facing charges for allegedly taking a grenade into LAX. WTF, Johnny? [Yahoo!]

How excited are we for the "Gossip Girl" spin-off that will tell the story of Lily and Rufus? Very. Very excited. Srsly. XOXO. [Us]

Rappers Kelis and Nas are reportedly expexcting their first child. [MTV]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

Teacher Arrested For Possession of Drugs, Terrible Goatee

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

A highly-praised Wisconsin high school math teacher has been busted by the cops for giving out weed, shrooms, and coke to his former students at his own house parties. No wonder he received a 4.4 on Rate My Teachers...

Roger "Bring the" Payne, is a 47-year-old teach at Wauwatosa East High School in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin... but perhaps his contract will not be renewed following this unfortunate incident. Payne pulled the classic Boy George bonehead move-- he called the cops about a break-in at his home, where he happened to be in possession of marijuana. Double whoops-- they also slapped him with charges of obstruction of justice and drug trafficking.

Somebody ratted out The Roge... and they will pay. Probably a small fine, that is, since the burglar/rat took nothing with him:

The 21-year-old man accused of breaking into Payne's home tells police he partied with Payne often. He alleges the parties included marijuana, mushrooms and cocaine. The 21-year-old thought it was "wrong for a teacher to be partying with former students."

Dude... you're 21 years of age... it's wrong for you to be breaking into people's homes and then narcing on them to the fuzz. And if you think it's wrong for the teacher to have those parties, maybe you shouldn't have partaken in them and called the authorities a long time ago; you would look like so much less of a douchebag if you did.

By the way, we can speak so authoritatively on these matters because we had multiple teachers in high school who used to get us wasted-- and not on Miller High Life, okay? And although these adult males exhibited questionable judgment with regard to our health and safety, they weren't deserving of losing their jobs and going to jail for multiple years either.

Sorry for the rant. Photo and partial info via TMJ4-TV.

"Step Right Up! Enter Our Prostitution Raffle..."

MySpace Actually Good For Something After All...

12-Year-Old Boy Gets Arrested For Attacking Pregnant Teacher, Threatening To Kill Her

Heroes of the Day: Those Who Gave Money To Elderly Man With $3,000 Water Bill

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:38:00 GMT

In these trying economic times, even charities are suffering. Food banks are packed with starving, unemployed families while their stockpiles are depleted quickly and their donations plummet.

So, you'd be forgiven for thinking that an 84-year-old man, slapped with a $3,000 water bill, is going to be out of luck when asking people to help him out this holiday season...

Nope, they did, and in spades and droves and whatever you want to call it:

The Appleton, Wisconsin man has received $4,027 in donations to help offset the bill he received when he was away from home and his pipes cracked, allowing for tens of thousands of cubic feet of water to flood his meter. The organizers of the fundraising effort, which saw donations of $5 to $500, actually had to tell people not to continue donating and the stunned citizen, Norman Beckman, will donate the rest of the cash to an underfunded charity.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

Hero of the Day: Girl Who Talked Her Way Out of a Kidnapping

Hero of the Day: Dad Who Killed A Sex Offender Turned Home Invader

Sexy Librarians Win Wisconsin Dance-Off

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:10:00 GMT

This unrelated photo aside, we have no proof the librarians in the already-legendary Wisconsin Librarian Dance-Off are as sexy as we want them to be (to be give a clue: we picture Tina Fey and half a dozen clones, all biting the ends of their glasses and leaning over a reading table.)

It doesn't matter-- the librarians are automatically awesome...

Librarians shook out their buns and dusted off their dancing shoes to compete in the Wisconsin Book Cart Drill Team competition.
The Baraboo Bookers took first prize Friday at the Wisconsin Library Association's annual conference.

Teams of librarians created short choreographed dances and rocked out with their book carts.

The Baraboo Public Library team danced to the rock 'n' roll classic "Born to be Wild" with four carts and a dolly.

They competed against the Mad City truckers, graduate students from the University of Wisconsin-Madison who used an Indiana Jones-themed routine.

The Baraboo team advances to the national competition in Chicago next summer and also gets a $250 gift certificate. [AP]

And you thought the only revolution this week was the Obama one. Now this is a movement we can get behind...

Related:

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Get Scurrred

SNL's Attempt at Barack and Michelle Obama: FAIL

Meet 16-Year-Old Missy Quinn and Her £16,000 Wedding Dress

Engagement Party Ends In Cheating, Beating, Arrest, No Makeup Sex

Today In WTF: Man Busted After Remarrying His Ex-Wife... Who Had A Restraining Order Against Him

Sex Writer On "Obscene" Website Sentenced To Home Detention

Tips From A Stripper

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 20:11:00 GMT

"Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine."

We love hearing from strippers out there, so if you have advice for those of who enjoying hitting the clubs, let us know! We're kidding-- we can't afford to go to strip clubs, even ones with the free admission and $10 Milwaukee's Best...

Nonetheless, check out this great bit of advice from a stripper...

Before I met my ex-husband, and before my first kid was born, I used to do a bit of stripping at one of Richmond's fine Southside gentlemen's clubs. So I think I'm more than qualified to teach you no account fools some of the finer points of properly conducting yourselves in a strip club environment.

The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.

Ass clapping! That's our phrase of the day, people.

During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit...

Wait a minute... is she for real?

Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off!

All right, we're pretty sure she's kidding now, but this is entertaining material...

Via Jocelyn's Corner.

Related:

"Performer" Ecstasy Can Rap and Wear Lycra at the Same Time

While You Were Sleeping: The Lapdancers And The Prime Minister

Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

House Hotties Break Network TV Rules With Raunchy Sex Scene

University of Wisconsin Disappears Into A Haze Of Substance Abuse And Good Times!

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 15:40:00 GMT

The entire-- yes, every last member-- of the University of Wisconsin marching band has been suspended indefinitely as part of an investigation into the sexual and alcoholic abuse going on among its makeup.

This isn't the first time these "damn kids!" have been in trouble with authority figures...

According to NBC Sports:

In February 2007 the marching band’s assistant director Michael Lorenz resigned after an internal report criticized his treatment of a female colleague during a rowdy band trip to Michigan in 2006.
Reports of band members’ hazing, alcohol use and inappropriate sexual behavior prompted the university to put the band on probation after the trip.
Then-Chancellor John Wiley threatened band members with losing performance and travel privileges.
Wiley, in an October 2006 letter to Leckrone, called band members’ behavior “boorish to patently dangerous and unlawful.”

Apparently, no one has ever seen Animal House. Comparatively, this is a Bible retreat... although God only knows what deviant sexual activities go on after the witching hour at one of those events.

Meanwhile, back to Wisconsin... the charges against the 2008 marching band edition include "hazing, alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct," according to officials at the University. Unfortunately, they were unwilling to divulge any more juicy details, but we can use our imaginations... just like we did after seeing American Pie with Alyson Hannigan and her band camp escapades...

Related:

Go Have A Jolt Cola And A Sandwich, Kids, We Want To Have An Orgy

This Week In Gayness: Baton Twirlers Busted For "I Kissed A Girl"

While You Were Sleeping: Mischa Barton Can't Keep Her Clothes On

Thank You Science, for Teaching Us That Coca-Cola Explodes Sperm

HIV Outbreaks Started Much Earlier Than Previously Thought

While You Were Sleeping: Madonna's Breakdown?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 12:49:00 GMT

This creepy Boy Scout leader was charged with six sex offenses. Guess what they involved?

FoxNews and other sources are confirming the John Edwards Love Child story, with the former ready to present an interview with a hotel security guard who will allegedly back up the Enquirer's shock saga.

A model is facing four years in prison after riding bareback (and bare-ass) on a horse... with the Peru national flag as a saddle.

Lindsay Lohan had a rough weekend: first, she had a panic attack when a mob of fans surrounded her at Sam's DJing gig. Then, early Saturday morning, she was clipped by a motorcycle while crossing an intersection...

Madonna's looking terrible these days. Worse than Amy Winehouse Terrible.

Wisconsin Democrats voted unanimously to strip a delegate of her credentials after the woman switched her support from Clinton to McCain.

A couple had their 18th child this week. "Evvvery sperm is saaacredd..."

A Corleone girl married her loving sweetheart before a large Italian celebration while her father, a Mafia don, sits in prison.

Shia LaBeouf was involved in a car accident, allegedly while intoxicated, and was arrested.

Related:

Does Madonna Have A Sex Tape And Do We Want To See It?

The Media Thinks It's Finally Figured Out Why Hillary Lost (Hint: It's Not The Media)

The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

Tom Hanks of Tomorrow Looking Like Drunk Asshole of Today

Harry Potter Rock Stars Adorably Nerdtastic

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:46:00 GMT

These Wrockstockers are so endearingly nerdy, we may just marry them in a Wiccan ceremony presided over by Dumbledore and go on to have little Mugwumps for children, but only so long as they haven't picked up any Hogwarts along the way.

Seriously, if you live in New York, Green Bay, or Chicago, look out for book dorks rampaging on the countryside this summer...

Apparently, the duo is part of some sort of "wizard rock" music cult that is sweeping the nation, threatening the very Christian cult values we hold dear. Look at them-- they are clearly rebellious Catholic schoolgirl types, in ties and Converse sneakers, probably smoking Mary Janes and eating unsanctioned rice cakes between classes.

Too late now-- they're both in college on the East Coast and have a CD coming out next week. Lord Almighty, there is no stopping these, lest He Who Must Not Be Named comes back and smites them down. And let's hope not-- 'cause, in all seriousness, these girls rule. Check out their songs on MySpace-- we're loving "I Was There" and "Transparent." It's like the Moldy Peaches, with a way more impressive repertoire and only ten dollars more of a recording budget.

We plan on being the first Harry Potter lookalikes in line to try to sneak backstage and try to impress them with our JK jive and black-and-white shoes. (There are going to be other bands, apparently 14 more, at these Wrockstocks, whatever that means, including Harry and the Potters, but the Myrtles are the real draw on the below dates...)

Jul 10 2008

8:00P

Portus 2008

Dallas, Texas

Jul 18 2008

7:00P

Barnes and Noble HP Mourning Party with Liane Graham

Bridgewater, New Jersey

Aug 6 2008

12:00P

Hilton Chicago Hotel for Wrock Chicago at Terminus!

Chicago, Illinois

Aug 17 2008

8:00P

TBA

Somewhere, Pennsylvania

Aug 23 2008

12:00P

Wrock for Darfur! in Waryas Park

Poughkeepsie, New York

Sep 21 2008

1:00P

NYC Wizard Rock Festival!

Brooklyn, New Yor

Via Honolulu Advertiser.

Man Claims He Had Sex With Obama In 1999

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 01:24:00 GMT

We're warning you now, this video is creepy as hell. And probably a total fraud, since the guy is way too rehearsed and completely unemotional. (Why is he even telling people this and why is he blabbing now?)

Larry Sinclair, who doesn't even bother to explain how he came to even meet then-State Rep. Barack Obama in Chicago in '99, has filed a lawsuit against the Obama campaign for infringing on his right to free speech. He seems to be doing a pretty good job of running his mouth in the above YouTube video, which has been viewed by hundreds of thousands and is being rightfully ignored outside the gossip blogs.

Obama, meanwhile, is looking into rumors that Hillary Clinton's staff has been in contact with Sinclair recently. Of course, they won't find anything and if they do, they would still have to keep it to themselves, lest the MSM (the Mainstream Media, 'scuse us) pick up on it and damage his chances in the next couple days.

In other Obama news, he is looking like a big winner in Wisconsin today and might even pull off an upset in Texas on March 4. Stay tuned... and please post comments on anything you hear on this developing story.

The War Continues: Ohio, Texas, and... Puerto Rico?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are headed toward another showdown on Tuesday, and this one could again turn the race on its head. Right now, in Wisconsin, Obama holds a razor-thin lead, while Hillary had temporarily conceded the state and probably has only begun to fight.

As for you, Texas and Ohio, for possibly the first time ever, your votes will probably mean something.

Two different polls today show very different numbers for Texas, one with Obama slightly ahead, the other with him a million votes away. Fucking Pollsters, what do they know? All we can determine from this is that the race is going to be interesting all the way home, possibly even to Puerto Rico, which we didn't even know was allowed to vote.

In other news, McCain got Bush the Smart's the endorsement... Obama is picking up the super-important backing of SEIU... plus, he may get John Lewis, but maybe not.

If you think this process is getting out of control, or are getting bored by the swinging pendulum of momentum, check out this video for amusement:

Armageddon Time: 800 Car Traffic Jam in Wisconsin

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 20:40:00 GMT

Okay, it doesn't look anything like the totally rad photo above, but we're imagining Woodstock-style lines, couples meeting and falling in love because the guy with the motorcycle picked the girl up hitching, people hanging out and tailgating. Unfortunately, the real pictures are probably a lot less fun: this interstate in Wisconsin is just probably the world's largest clusterfuck.

Just another opportunity for us New York City folk to rub it in: we got the subway, baby. And you remember what the subway has, an idea no doubt Scanner Emily will try out after her many triumphs last night.