Scanner : Victoria's Secret

Victoria's Secret Suit

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 May 2009 16:18:00 GMT

Hey ladies-- and gents who like that sort of thing-- do your Victoria's Secret bras bother the living hell out of you?

You're not alone, as we found out from this story out of Cleveland, Ohio...

It turns out there's a big class action lawsuit in the works, with up to 2,000 pairs of boobs claiming damages, brought about by a guy who makes the ambulance-chasing John Travolta character from A Civil Action look like John Paul the Second. (He's quoted as saying about the tit-tarnishing: "All of the women's breasts looked alike," said attorney John Climaco of Cleveland. "It brought tears to your eyes. They're scarred.") What brought tears to this po' countray boy's eyes is described as a rash in the cleavage that irritates the bejesus outta the ladies.

The lawsuit accuses the retailer and its Columbus-based parent company, Limited Brands Inc., of misrepresenting the safety of their products, failing to warn customers of problems and concealing knowledge of defective merchandise.

The women seek in excess of $5 million combined, plus compensation for medical expenses, pain and mental anguish.

At first, [plaintiffs] Ritter and Climaco attributed her afflictions to formaldehyde, a chemical used in clothing manufacturing to help retain shapes. But that strategy fell through after independent tests failed to find formaldehyde in Victoria's Secret bras and concluded that Ritter was not allergic to the chemical.

Whoops. If you have the same symptoms, you might want to start your own case-- we're better this is going to get tossed in no time.

Via the Cleveland Plain Dealer.

Related:

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

The Art of the Nude Supermodel

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Lingerie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 20:38:00 GMT

Every guy has a childhood story about finding the nudie mags under their friend's dad's bed. Ours involves raiding our best friend's father's Playboy collection, dating back to the mid-sixties, and going over centerfolds ranging from famous rock groupie Bebe Buell to Vicki Iovine, wife of the great record producer Jimmy Iovine.

But we always got bored with the nude women posing in the same exact way. We ended up digging to the bottom for the Victoria's Secret catalog with Elle MacPherson on the cover. To us, the tease was better than the full monty.

With that in mind, here are Five of our Favorite Sex Scenes Featuring Lingerie...

5. Gia. This first surfaced on the internet entitled "Banned Lingerie Commercial." Yeah, right-- even lingerie commericals aren't this hot. Should this automatically be #1 on any list of anything, including lists that have nothing to do with sex? Yes. Are we too lazy to move it to the bottom of this post? Indeed.

4. Two Days in the Valley. Skip to 0:22 to the part where James Spader finally shuts up when Charlize and her long, long, long legs enter the bedroom... and then they both don't shut up. Ever.

3. Mutual Needs. Is this a porno? Rochelle Swanson's in it, so it must be... but who's complaining? If you have five minutes to kill today, this is how you should spend it.

2. Layer Cake. Skip to 1:30 to build on the hotness. Thinking that this PG-13 movie would be lacking in uncomfortable sex scenes, we decided a Daniel Craig action movie might be a good choice for a post-Thanksgiving dinner. Whoops. Sienna Miller here explains why she is able to hypnotize men into leaving their wives-- she just pops in a DVD of this scene:

1. El Beso del Sueno. Maribel Verdu from Y Tu Mama Tambien and... some old guy... in what was obviously her audition for the famous blockbuster Alfonse Cuaron film. Did that movie top this one in her terms of hotness? Of course... but don't miss the close up of Verdu's panties... Cuaron didn't think of that.

Bonus: Lori Loughlin from Full House in what may or may not be lingerie (or is a simple dress?) from Suckers.

Mr. Skin's 2009 Naked Oscar Nominees

The Best Job in the World? Carnival Body Painters

Top 5 Threesome Sex Scenes

Michelle Williams Strips, Seduces, Enjoys

Top 5 Monica Bellucci Sex Scenes

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 14:09:00 GMT

Jason Segel has no luck with women, claims the Post.

Really dig this Tropic of Cancer-inspired photo. [NSFW]

George W. Bush is writing a book on "the most important decisions of his presidency." Since those were all made by Cheney, we wonder why they're calling this an autobiography.

It was a setup. Big Joe is gonna be so pissed.

Ooh, Twilight fans-- some of the cast may be sneaking into the midnight DVD release parties.

Three people robbed Victoria's Secret of $3,400 worth of panties.

Natasha Richardson died from a skiing injury yesterday at age 45.

John Mayer Tweeted that his penis fell asleep. And no, it didn't have anything to do with his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And this guy thought he was on his deathbed, so he confessed to decades-old murder charges he'd bailed on. Whoops.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Milking It

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Man Catches His Meat in a Meat Grinder

Sloppy Seconds: Psychology Teachers Getting In On The Student Sex Craze

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Travel to the Future, And We Like It

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 22:41:00 GMT

A cure for AIDS? A black president? Pregnant men? The ability to put our own faces inside of our vaginas? Welcome to the future, baby.

Highs:

Did German doctors discover a cure for HIV? Or was it AIDS?

Speaking of the future, it is now possible to have our own face inside our own vagina.

The pregnant man is pregnant again... yay?

Scanner Brian and his cronies pulled a prank on New York.

Men, you can keep it up longer with a little help from a spray... as long as you don't mind the fact that you won't be able to feel your penis.

But post-menopausal women can now feel everything thanks to a new gel.

Didn't you know we like it from behind?

Lows:

We got in a fight with some Mormons over Proposition 8.... over Facebook.

We decided we're leaving New York.

Is this our future?

Either way, it's a damn good thing we wear cheap underwear.

Poor Lindsay Lohan is still confused about her sexuality.

Feet. Gross.

We debated the attractiveness of certain celebrities.

Oh, and we lost the Obama interview to 60 Minutes.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Victoria's Newest Secret Formaldehyde?

Emily Farris — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 22:43:00 GMT

Next time you make a friend cookies after she has an abortion, please do not use the fetus cookie cutter. Save it for Christmas. [Stupid.com]

We'll give you a sentence from a story, you try to figure out the headline: "The unmarried former managing director is also moderator of a large internet animal sex forum and has a number of dogs and horses on his farm in southern Sweden." [The Local]

Foreplay is soooo overrated. Apparently. [Telegraph]

Donald Trump is taking good care of Jennifer Hudson while she mourns the loss of her family. [People]

Condoleeza Rice is all about Michelle Obama. [Us]

Numerous women have been experiencing rashes, welts and scarring from Victoria's Secret bras. One lab that tested the bras said the undergarments contained formaldehyde. We'll stick to buying our undies at Target, thank you very much. [Jezebel]

Image via victoriassecret.com.

Hot or Not? Cindy Crawford at 42

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 18:45:00 GMT

Cindy Crawford never has to do anything again. She certainly doesn't need to prove herself as a model, since she retains the record for most magazine cover appearances. But perhaps, at 42 years young, Crawford is restless.

She's been off our radar for many years, and might as well have been a star in the 19th century for all the fashion industry cares. Which may be why everyone's going batshit crazy over these French Vogue photos-- folks don't even remember who she is...

We're a bit conflicted: the first time we saw Cindy Crawford, she was in a Victoria's Secret catalog our eight-year-old (!) cousin had stashed under his bed. Cindy reminded us of Steven Tyler in a way that was vaguely distracting, and so we moved on to Claudia Schiffer. Months later, in Vanity Fair or some place, Cindy turned up again as her usual fantastic-looking self and we started to come around.

Now we're not so sure... here she is at 42, with a spread from French Vogue... what do you think?

More photos here.

Related:

Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

Lizzy Caplan And Her HBO Porn Show Still Terrible, Terribly Hot

Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Comedies

Man Steals Underwear from Victoria's Secret, We Share Our Victoria's Secret

Want Your Chest to Look Like $6 Million?

Man Steals Underwear from Victoria's Secret, We Share Our Victoria's Secret

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 15:36:00 GMT

I consider myself a novelty thief (a salt shaker here, a candle from the Heath Ledger bar there) but I have to give a guy some novelty credit for stealing a buttload of underwear from a Victoria's Secret in Dallas. And ever since my own unfortunate incident in a Victoria's Secret fitting room, I can't help but smirk a little at this.

Last year, in the throes of writing the casserole book and eating, like, 8 casseroles a week, I desperately needed to invest in a girdle (yes, women still wear those), so I set off for my nearest Victoria's Secret, thinking they'd be, you know, discreet. When I asked if they had the nude in a larger size, a woman yelled across the room to her colleague: "Do you have this girdle in a large for this lady?"

They didn't.

So, I decided to try on the medium. The tighter it is, the more it sucks... and sucking is what I was going for. After I wiggled my way into it and witnessed the girdle's amazing sucking powers, I thought I'd buy it and I started to take it off. But I couldn't. I was stuck. In a girdle. In a Victoria's Secret. In Brooklyn. After a few minutes of trying to get out if, I asked the sales associate, who had so graciously yelled my size and purchase across the room, to help me get out of it. And what did she do? She laughed at me.

Ten minutes and one pulled shoulder muscle later, I got the fucking girdle off, all by myself.

So, yeah, forgive us if we think it's hilarious that a man stole 160 pairs of underwear, worth about $1,000" from a Victoria's Secret in Texas. According to reports, he snatched the undies from a table and sped off with his accomplice (who held the door) in a green car.

[Local 6: $1,067 Worth Of Underwear Snatched]

Woman Injured By Victoria's Secret Thong

The Last Four People in the World Trying to Keep Victoria's Secret

[Image via victoriassecret.com]

Hot or Not: Lingerie Football League?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 16:34:00 GMT

In a move that team owners are calling "True Fantasy Football," some burly middle-aged guys think they have unleashed the greatest new sport.

Forget the XFL. Forget Arena Football or even boring College Football. (We have.) The real threat to the NFL's stranglehold on the pigskin is a gimmick that combines dreaming about Victoria's Secret models and the other favorite male pastime: watching football on your fat ass...

Perhaps you heard about the Lingerie Bowl, taking place as a sort of alternative halftime show near the stadiums where the Super Bowl is held? Well, apparently, the virus is spreading... the LFL (as it may or may not be called in shorthand) has turned itself into a full-on league, with ten franchise teams and a major Lingerie Bowl in Tampa next year. As if Florida is in enough danger from criminals who host yard sales consisting of electronics they stole from their next door neighbors, a closeted homosexual Republican governor who pretends to be getting married, hurricanes, butterfly ballots, and a flooded coastline, they now have lingerie-clad football players helping usher in the apocalypse.

Then again, if this is what the apocalypse looks like, there's a soundbite that George W. Bush once stole from a Kirsten Dunst movie that we think might be appropriate here...

Some images via The Superficial, most of the bad ones via the actual LFL site.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Eva Longoria's Lingerie Past

Making Stripteases A Cinch: Dita Von Teese Shills For Wonderbra

Scanner Highs And Lows: Battle of the Sexies

While You Were Sleeping: The Pregnant Lady Lingerie Controversy

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Welcome To The Wonderful World Of Naked Rugby

While You Were Sleeping: Ciara's Naked Vibe Cover

This Weekend In Missed Connections: Bus Driver Blues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 14:16:00 GMT

When Missed Connections first took off on Craigslist, we were already hooked. Now, years later, we seem to be falling into the same trap: checking to see what insane things happened on your Saturday night...

First up, a bus driver makes a new pair of friends he's calling "The Double D's..."

you were walking west on e86st and 2nd ave at 1:40am Sunday(TODAY).I was driving the m15 bus. You tapped on my buses windshield smiled at me and wow'd me.Then you realized that you were showing me your Victorias Secret.
You then WOW'D me for real,with those Double D"s.And they were oh so perfect.
I want to thank you for that. And to let you know that i will be at the same place tonight at 1:11am,hoping that you show up and wow me again.But this time I want your number.

Ha-- a bus driver that knows exactly what time he's arriving at a stop? Nice try, buddy...

Next up... a total fake, but bonus points for being able to carry on tiresome puns for so long. It is from someone who claims to have been at the beach on Saturday:

I saw you holding your pole, wow that was one of the biggest poles I ever saw. I was wearing a blue bikini as bait and I caught you, and I mentioned I had a nice little clam, you seemed very interested, you were grinning and licking your lips saying you loved eating fresh raw clam and you also said you loved going deep sea diving or was that just deep diving? ;) I was afraid you thought I was shallow, but I think you could tell I ran as deep as the ocean. I also feared you thought I was fishing for compliments, and well I fell for you hook, line and sinker. [This goes on for ages... then...] I shore like you! If you see this [should've written "sea this"-- oh man, we're getting sucked in now...] please please please talk to me I am the little blond shrimp with big puffers! And baby next time let's have a clam bake,yummmmmmmmmmm

This is one you only need the title for: girl who let one go on the toilet seat at monster island on saturday - m4w

Here's one that isn't creepy for a change:

You were waiting for your date (boyfriend?) for about 30 minutes. Then when he got there, he was on the phone or his blackberry most of the time. I was at a table with some friends across from you in a dark blue t-shirt. Please, please... get rid of that guy.

Here's a guy who's just waiting for someone, anyone, to respond to his posts:

What BOOK are you reading??????????? - m4w
Lately you can be found reading a book on your break / lunch. Does this describe you? If it does, hit me up and we'll find out if youre the one Im looking for!

It describes everyone, dude...

Sharing Granola at the Boise CO-OP on Saturday Aug. 23rd - m4w
Are you out there?? We were at the Granola dispensers and i was dishing out some different kinds for us to sample.

I got tied up shopping for our BurningMan trip and when i came to my senses and looked for you, you were already gone.

Nope, these aren't stereotypes, they're real people...

Here's an arbitrary redirect to the Boston Missed Connections...

Related:

Making Stripteases A Cinch: Dita Von Teese Shills For Wonderbra

No Longer Missing the Missed Connections

When Missed Connections Aren't Special Enough For Your Mystery Dream Girl

"I had bedbugs, you had herpes."

Times Trend Alert: People Have Sex With People They Know

Gisele Bundchen's Latest Nude Shoot May Be Her Finest Work Yet

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 14:59:00 GMT

Some of the blogs are trying to make Gisele Bundchen's "raciest photo shoot ever" into some sort of scandal. People, she's way past legal, she can make her own choices on whether to be nude or not. Where's the scandal in these?

(And by the way, yes, we have seen her in the buff a billion times, but these are... well... let's just say a whole lot buff-er....)

There are more at this link-- at least a couple of them are working checking out. Bundchen

is demonstrating "how to wear denim without wearing denim." But she'd never wear them in real life.
"Only Mario [Testino] could make me take those pictures," says Bundchen. "He was the first photographer that shot me when I started ... People are going to say my butt is showing too much in these but, Im sorry, my butt showed more in Victoria's Secret. For seven years my butt was in every catalogue."
[On the Miley Cyrus uproars] Can you believe this is news? It's ridiculous. And the politicians aren't going to create any laws about this [kind of media saturation]. They're very happy with it. They can go around doing what they want and no one cares because we're more concerned about some 15-year-old girl holding a sheet in a picture. No one cares about what [the politicians are] screwing up, or how much money is being lost.

More talk from Gisele via the Huffington Post and News.au. All photographs by Mario Testino and from this month's V.

Related:

New Miley Cyrus Photo Scandal Already Exaggerated Beyond Belief

Miley Cyrus To Remake Sex and the City?

Eva Mendes Does Incredibly Hot Vogue Photo Shoot

Gisele Bundchen Worth More Than Carla Bruni Naked. Why?

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At Blue Jays Game

Super-Thin Supermodel Attacked For Being "Fat?"

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:31:00 GMT

Does this woman look "fat" to you? Well, according to one Brazillian newspaper, the #6 highest-paid supermodel in the world isn't ready for the runway, and other outrageous statements for which "WTF?" seems too polite a reply.

According to several sources, none of which named the "local paper" in Brazil that made the alleged comments about Karolina Kurkova during Sao Paolo Fashion Week, the Victoria's Secret hottie, who made $5 million last year, was derided for having

back fat, love handles, and cellulite.

There are just a few shots of Kurkova's backside from the catwalk during the show in question:

While we see what these idiots are talking about, we still don't get what the hell's wrong with them for acting like she'd offended them in some way. This woman is beautiful. This woman is beautiful no matter what her ass happened to look like one particular afternoon on a runway in Brazil, from one angle, in one stolen moment. And even if it were true that was overweight, fuck them for attacking her for it.

Brazil, we never thought we'd say this, but you suck.

Thankfully, most of the media attacked the paper and praised Kurkova's body of huminatarian/charity work, in addition to her, um, bodywork.

Like most of us, Karolina has occasional weight fluctuations. But unlike most of us, when that happens, a lot of people notice. Looking great for the average person and looking great for a runway model are two vastly different things. There's no question that Kurkova looks amazing in the bikini she wore last week... [The Improper]

The next question is: Will Victoria's Secret agree with their Brazilian fans and dump the dumpy doll? Not a chance! Checkout these photos of her nude and you'll see why. [Post Chronicle]

Via the Improper.

Woman Injured By Victoria's Secret Thong

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:51:00 GMT

Dudes, don't let your ladies see this post...

How ridiculous is this? We understand that it may have hurt like hell, but this is the very definition of an accident and we don't see how a person could, other than for reasons of greed, blame Victoria's Secret for their predicament:

Macrida Patterson, a 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer, told NBC's "Today" show that she suffered cuts to her cornea from the small piece of metal that had been used to secure a rhinestone heart onto the blue thong.

"I was putting on my underwear from Victoria's Secret and the metal popped in my eye. It happened really quickly. I was in excruciating pain. I screamed. That's what happened," Patterson told NBC.

Patterson's lawyer Jason Buccat, who also appeared on the "Today" show, said the metal staple causes "severe damage" to her cornea that required a topical steroid.

You can always count on the "Today" show for breaking culturally relevant news stories such as this one. We can't wait for Monday's show, reportedly to feature "the latest music sensation, hip-hop rap music!"

Via Reuters.

Marisa Miller is Sports Illustrated's 2008 Swimsuit Issue Cover Model

Bryan Christian — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 18:01:00 GMT

We've always been kind of fascinated by the SI Swimsuit Issue, but like the Victoria's Secret catalog or Playboy Magazine, we have to confess that as an erotic object we've generally found it a bit lacking. Maybe it's from how we grew up right when porn was starting to be everywhere? Like, it's great and all but... it's just so... nice. Sure, every once in a while they'll get a gal in there whose dewy, volcanic sexuality or inarguably perfect physique make for something truly remarkable -- Josie Maran and Elle MacPherson come to mind in those respective categories. But there's generally a lot of filler, too -- dozens of shots where you can imagine the photographer going "Great, great, now just give me a little giggle," and it comes off like a smutty Applebee's ad or something.

So we're pleased as punch to report that Marisa Miller will, at long last, make her debut as the cover model of this year's edition, following in the sandy footsteps of MacPherson, Heidi Klum, Christie Brinkley, and Cheryl Tiegs. Not only does she wield her implausibly hot body with a welcome bit of sly attitude, but, if you read our Victoria's Secret Fashion Show Wrapup, you'll know that she got her start in Perfect 10 magazine, meaning that as of today she's officially gone all the way from underpaid erotic model to the top of the fucking pops.

Are we tempted to say she's the Jackie Robinson of smut? Absolutely. Will we? No, probably not. Is she even the first model (that we know of) to make such a transition? We don't know; we're not so great with research. But we don't care. Let's just say she is!

So Hooray for Marisa Miller and hooray for us! God bless us, every one!

Sports Illustrated

Outtakes via GoldenFiddle

Sloppy Seconds: Victoria's Secret's List, SJP's New Show, Cyber Storms and Madonna's Money

Emily Farris — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 22:15:00 GMT

Our big little sister FameCrawler weighs in on Victoria's Secret's 'What is Sexy?' list.

Sarah Jessica Parker is producing a reality show for fine artists, and leaving us a little confused about why.

Move over chemical terrorist attacks, electronic attacks are the next big thing.

Did you know that Madonna is the richest woman in music?

Gisele Skips VS Fashion Show to Shill Shoes, Wear Water?

Bryan Christian — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 17:39:00 GMT

Remember yesterday how we were missing our former favorite non-Klum Victoria's Secret model Gisele at the VS Fashion Show? It went something like this:

Hey, where's Gisele? Didn't she used to do this show too? Isn't she still plastered all over the VS catalogs on our bathroom floor? Oh, maybe they tried to pay her in US Dollars! Dollars! Ha ha! Can you imagine!

...or something like that. Anyway, we found her: posing in a dress made of nothing but water. Oh and probably lots of Photoshop. All to promote what appears to be a Gisele-branded line of shoes.

Normally, we wouldn't just put any smutty Brazilian advert up here, you understand, but we were kind of missing Gisele last night... And now it's painfully clear why.

Click through for the hi-res-ness.

How Could We Miss This Last Night????????

Bryan Christian — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 21:34:00 GMT

The geniuses behind Goldenfiddle have uncovered, via the magic of screengrabbing, an unholy celebroty meeting of epic and cosmic proportions in the audience of last night's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (our re-cap of which is available here). Behold!

Piven, Mystery, Dawson, and an indestructible cheerleader all in the same shot! With a Mandy-Moore-alike who we can't conclusively identify.

Oh, Scanner Sarah, today we miss you most of all!

Scanner's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show Wrap-up

Bryan Christian — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 13:25:00 GMT

Hey, did you guys check out the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last night? We sure did. It was OMG awesome! There were performances by Seal and the Spice Girls, ridiculous angel wings, a brief sojourn into reality tv, and like 5 kinds of cleavage. Plus we learned a lot about the VS girls -- and about ourselves. Was it "The Sexiest Night on TV"? Click through for our minute-by-minute recap!

10:01 PM -- Sorry, but there's something deeply wrong with this comedy intro about Heidi Klum getting in shape for the show. Are they trying to make us believe that Klum lives in the suburbs?

10:02 -- Hey, it's TV's Puddy! Any party with Seal and Puddy is gonna be fantastic. Hey, "Seal and Puddy"? They should solve crimes together. I bet they'd get in some sticky situations! Ha ha ha ha kill us now.

10:03 -- Who's that guy performing? Is that will.i.am? Yes, it is. Not that anyone here cares, they're all watching the girls. Does the genius behind "Let's Get Retarded" have any self-respect? We hope not, because otherwise we might mistake his defeated delivery here as making him will.i.kill.myself.later.

10:04 -- OK, we don't care how gay Neil Patrick Harris is in real life: he's kind of watching the show like a straight man. Maybe he's in character?

10:05 -- Hey, look at this: little bios of the ladies whose cleavage we will be Googling tomorrow! VS Model Izabel was discovered at 14 years old. She likes basketball and cooking and hanging out on the beach and diabetes. Oh, sorry -- she works to end diabetes, which we think means she doesn't like it after all. "My life is perfect," she says.

10:06 -- Spice Girls, people!!! The Spice Girls are performing later on! We totally forgot they were doing this! Our life is perfect now, too!

10:10 -- Host Heidi Klum celebrates her 10th year with Victoria's Secret with a short film documenting the many ways she's become our favorite model/mom/German in the world. Oh, look at how young and adorable and freaking hot she's been throughout the years! Oh, wait -- there is one thing that's missing from this video.

10:13 -- We're back to showing off the clothes now, and you know, with all the girls sashaying around and the semi-hard rock and roll, this is starting to feel like an episode of CSI: Miami. OMG look, there's Delco from TV's CSI: Miami! It is an episode of CSI:Miami! Omigod, which model is gonna get killed? Please don't let it be Heidi! We need Seal to be uplifiting tonight!

10:14 -- Dean Cain could totally play Elvis. You know which kind.

10:14 -- What is with all the girls wearing wings? Seriously, does that do anything for you guys out there? Ladies, would you feel sexier wearing 9-feet-wide diamelle-encrusted angel wings? What's next, the VS girls driving out in an art car?

10:15 -- VS Model Karolina's nickname is "Koka Kola"? That's actually a great nickname. Better than ours, anyway. We hate being called "Fresca."

10:16 -- OK, second Victoria's Secret question: what is with the word "Pink" getting plastered all over VS clothes? I mean, isn't that like having the word "meat" scrawled on tighty whiteys. Oh, ok; we'd totally buy those. Never mind.

10:17 -- One lucky civilian girl is going to be chosen to walk with the VS girls in the fashion show? Omigod, this is turning into America's Next Top Model! How could Heidi let this happen? Shouldn't the girls be forced to create their own stupid angel wings out of a pizza box and potted vine or something?

10:21 -- You know, when we walked out of Transformers this summer, we couldn't look at any cars outside the theater without expecting them to change into a robot and start destroying buildings. I think that's sort of similar to how we were just watching a commercial for animated holiday favorite Frosty the Snowman, featuring the scene where he's leading the kids through town, and honestly: we expected him to strip off his clothes and strut his icy ass right up to that traffic cop. Cripes, it'd better be the same thing as when we saw Transformers.

10:24 -- Katy, the lucky girl who was picked from all the other civilian girls to walk in the show, is wearing what looks like skanky 70's circus clothes. Guess they're letting her walk in some sort of themed collection? Presumably this will be the crummiest presentation of the evening, but some other model we think is named Rosie says "I'm so excited." Rosie is dressed unmistakably in cowgirl clothes. "I'm a cowgirl!" she says. Thanks, Rosie!

10:25 -- VS Model Miranda might be our favorite new VS girl. Why is that? Is it her adorable Australian accent? Hey, what happened to our old favorite non-Klum-VS girl, Gisele? Maybe they wanted to pay her in dollars?

10:26 -- Hey, where's Alessandra too?

10:27 -- Katy does her walk in front of everyone and just owns it! Way to go Katy! That sassy guy from CSI:NY found it arousing, we think. Either that or his phone was ringing. In his balls! You hear that, Katy? Get some CSI action; you're swimming in it, after all.

10:28 -- Seal is wearing a white suit with so many sparkly things bedazzled onto it that he looks like he's being thrown into a windshield by a disco ball. He's dazzling us so much we can't concentrate on his uplifiting music. Curse you, bedazzled Seal!

10:29 -- Heidi's "singing" with Seal now? Is there anything she doesn't have her claws in on this show?

10:31 -- VS Model Selita! How adorable is she? Her nickname is "Silly"! We love her. We remember the first time we saw her, in the late great Jane Magazine, and we loved her from the first. Is she still dating Nick Cannon? We sure hate you, Nick Cannon!

10:32 -- More Spice Girls! They sure seem like a barrel of monkeys. We'd love to be hanging out with the Spice Girls. They seem like real people, don't they? Hey, how many of them had sex with Simon Cowell again?

10:38 -- VS Model Mar-ee-sa? Is that how you say Marisa Miller's name? We read somewhere that Mar-ee-sa's first modeling gig was in Perfect 10 magazine, which we won't fully believe until someone gets us actual physical proof, preferably in mint or near mint condition. Bravo, Mar-ee-sa, for proving that doing smut doesn't have to be the kiss of death that everyone says it is!

10:39 -- VS Model Alessandra, finally! Has she been hiding out? Are we just not noticing her in stuff? Are we distracted by NPH?

10:40 -- Ryan Seacrest looks unconfortable. Those wings that all the girls are wearing look uncomfortable. Mar-ee-sa looks like she just rolled out of bed looking amazing and is debating whether to brush her teeth or make tea. She must have never had an ugly day in her life. Oh, sometimes, we really really want to be a hot girl.

10:41 -- Alessandra has a checkerboard-y skirt type thing on. And holy smoke -- she sounds like Grace Jones! Or a foreign Dr. Girlfriend. Oh... foreign Dr. Girlfriend...

10:43 -- Heidi says "If the names Dali, Man Ray and Magritte mean anything to you, than this next collection may mean something to you." Or something. And then: Huh? It's lingerie models wearing dada-ish inflected clothes, walking in front of big black and white swirls to an Apollo 440 song that we heard in, like, a thousand commercials in the year 2000. What? Is this a thing that's actually happening? Or did some old ecstacy from the fatty deposits in our stomach lining just pop open?

10:46 -- The Spice Girls are excited! They're wearing saucy retro stewardess uniforms, so frankly we're excited too. It's a great look, even if they did crib it from Goldfrapp.

10:46 -- Hey, the first thing we see after someone announcing the Spice Girls finally taking the stage is some guy doing a headspin. No fair, Victoria's Secret! Spice must flow! (Oh man, it must have been some E.)

10:47 -- This is like the sluttiest USO show ever! Big ups from the crowd when Posh takes the mike, even though it's pretty obvious that Mel C is the only one of the Spices actually singing. (Guess some things never change.) Seriously, we've asked this before, but if Posh is really the most popular Spice Girl today what does that say about the world? She used to be, like, ~~Alan~~ Andrew Fletcher in Depeche Mode: no one could figure out what she actually did other than just stand there. And now? She's in the captain's seat.

10:48 -- Oh, strike that: Mel C is leading the girls in a big, climactic formation. She's great, seriously. Isn't she the one that supposedly put out the only good post-Spice album? Baby Spice looks totally bored. Maybe it's the lyrics: "Do do do do. Do do do do. Always be together. Ba ba ba ba. Ba ba ba ba. Stay that way forever." Clearly that's in fact what happened.

10:53 -- Best line of the evening: an announcer going "She's got vintage baubles on, Miranda." Followed by Miranda, who is in fact wearing Christmas tree decorations, coquettishly saying "You can hang me on your tree if you like." Which for anyone from the South is a distressing thing to hear. Way to kill the moment, Miranda!

10:54 -- Seal's back, and he wants us to "always feel amazing." Well, how could we not while he's still wearing that suit? Actually, Seal is still wearing the most bedazzled suit ever, Selita is dressed as a Christmas tree, Miranda is presumably going to be attempting to hang herself from Selita, a red-clad choir is appearing out of nowhere to sing "Hallelujah" over and over, and oh, here comes another girl dressed like a 10-foot-wide stocking. Uh, it must actually be have been some Pufinstuff-level LSD that's kicking in, 'cause we are definitely having a bad trip. Could someone just show us to the chill out tent, please?

10:57 -- Hey, even Seal looks bored now too. Oh, guess he's just been singing while he waits for the Mrs. to show up. Maybe they're sharing a ride home. Oh, here she comes, dressed as a massive, switchblade-action snowflake, of course. Well, drive safe, you two!

The Last Four People in the World Trying to Keep Victoria's Secret

Emily Farris — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 16:21:00 GMT

If a group of about four prudes in an Indiana town has its way, Victoria's Secret window mannequins will be wearing flannel jammies this holiday season:

"Representatives of the group say teenagers and younger children should not be able to see the sexually charged images. The display faces Clay Terrace Boulevard, a city street that connects 146th Street to U.S. 31 and lies a block away from several children's stores...

"'Something that's meant to be viewed in private should not be on public display,' said Jenny DeHeer, who is involved in the protest. "'The dignity of women is being assaulted. The dignity of the sexual act is being assaulted. Women are being objectified.'"

Didn't we go through this, like, 50 years ago? We think it's time for Jenny to ditch the night gown and embrace her girl parts. Perhaps a trip to Victoria's Secret would do the trick?

Video of the Day: Heidi Klum Loves Heidi Klum's Boobs Too

Bryan Christian — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 13:29:00 GMT

OK, what's the guy equivalent for a totally smokin' babe playing with her own boobs and giggling? Is there one?

Welcome back to work, everyone!

[TMZ via the ickily named HollywoodTuna]