Scanner : SNL

Sloppy Seconds: Vanessa Hudgens is Ready to Get Naked

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 May 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Is it really possible to find an adult friend on AdultFriendFinder.com? [BuzzFeed]

We were just wondering what the hell ever happened to Sinbad. Okay, not really, but if you were... [FlavorWire]

This seemingly drug-induced gibberish is the best recap of last night's Gossip Girl we've read yet. [Gakwer-Defamer]

Hey, remember Eminem? He's trying to help out Detroit's auto industry. [FadedYouth]

Funny Maya Rudolph is knocked up with another probably funny baby. [People]

Katy Perry is thinking of giving it all up to settle down and have babies, but we don't see that happening any time soon (for her or for us). [FameCrawler]

High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens on getting naked: "Right now, I would feel comfortable doing it, but, like I said, when the time's right, if it's an amazing movie that I'm really passionate about and that's what it calls for, then we'll see," she continued. [Us]

While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson Is In Trouble Now

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 14:11:00 GMT

Everyone's saying Obama brought down the house at the "nerd prom," aka the White House Correspondents Dinner, but really, it was Wanda Sykes who killed. She even landed good terrorism and abstinence jokes.

Ashton Kutcher got punk'd.

Star Trek shocked the movie industry by grossing over $72 million in its opening weekend.

Justin Timberlake brought it back to SNL.

It costs two cents more to mail a letter now, as if you still mail letters.

Mel Gibson may have impregnated his mistress. Yes, the guy who directed The Passion of the Christ.

The 9.6 million dollar text message.

Eminem has gone to war against... Mariah Carey?

Steven Soderbergh and Sasha Grey are on tour promoting their movie and are constantly having to defend porn.

Ladies' Response to Jizz in My Pants: Puke in My Mouth

Colleen Kane — Tue, 05 May 2009 14:09:00 GMT

From Pantless Knights, a response video to SNL/Lonely Island's "Jizz in My Pants," inspired by a woman who wanted to make a fake engagement ring to ward off douchebags. That ring is called Ms.Taken, available for $50, and it comes in a handy keychain for quick access when you see that db zeroing in.

The video has gone viral, but has proven controversial in comments as to its level of funny, one commenter simply stating, "girls aren't funny." Just goes to show why you never read the comments on You Tube. See it for yourself after the jump.

Related:

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Nipple Gauge "Works" at Making Guys Look Like Douchebags

Women in Jeans Can't Be Raped, But the Italian Supreme Court Can Be Total C*cksucker Douchebags

Sloppy Seconds: Parker Posey's New Man

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 21:28:00 GMT

Did you catch Tracy Morgan shirtless in real life on 30 Rock last night? [Defamer]

Britan's Got Talent singing phenomenon Susan Boyle got a little makeover. [Yahoo!]

One thing we would not like to find on our doorstep? A flaming bag of poo. Another thing we would not like to find on our doorstep? A live shark. [CBS13]

A sequel to Clueless!? Count us in! Well, as long as his you know what isn't crooked. [BuzzSugar]

We hate to admit we're also pretty excited about the prospect of Chace Crawford taking on Kevin Bacon's role in the remake of Footloose. [Us]

If Parker Posey was dating Keanu Reaves, that seems to be over, because now she's being spotted around town with graphic designer and sculptor Scott Lenhardt. We endorse this because 1) Keanu Reeves doesn't seem so smart and 2) artist boys are totally hot. [DailyIntel]

[Image]

Video of the Day: Cougar Barbie

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:12:00 GMT

We don't know how we missed this when it aired (and we can't believe no one sent it to us!).

Saturday Night Live is all about the Cougars this season. So it's no surprise they'd cash in on Barbie's 50th birthday. Cougar Barbie comes with dream Botox and she pole dances to the smooth stylings of Steve Perry.

Related:

Video of the Day: Barbie and Ken (and Some Guy) Make a Porno

Video of the Day: Lithuanian Barbie Girls

Today in the Apocalypse: Barbie Got Even Skinnier

[Via The Frisky]

10 Hottest Funny Women

Colleen Kane — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:30:00 GMT

"Hot," especially used in conjunction with the factor "funny" regarding women, is highly subjective. Remember when Jenny McCarthy was trying to market herself as a zany, goofy-face-making, comedic actress? Although J McC was a woman, and she was making clown faces, and was considered hot by many, this writer was not having it.

And for this writer, a great sense of humor makes someone more attractive. So in this list, when using the term "hot" for women, hilarity weighs more heavily than conventional perfect-10 looks.

10. Maya Rudolph

Maya's mom sang that song "Lovin' You." Maya herself played a mean Donatella Versace on "Saturday Night Live," generally excelled on the show playing exotic oddballs, and also starred in the sleeper hit Idiocracy.

9. Chelsea Handler

Chelsea is good with the funny interviews, but I can't get that into her because she reminds me of this one fluffhead from my high school who had platinum-blonde CC DeVille hair and orange pancake makeup, who would routinely zero in on some poor slob in our class, then verbally eviscerate them under the guise of being "funny." Not saying Chelsea is that mean, but she still reminds me of that girl.

8. Kristin Wiig

Kristen joined the SNL cast in 2006. What's known so far: this gal is conventionally very pretty, she's good with impressions and acting in sketches on "SNL," also good guesting on "Flight of the Conchords." Bigger roles are coming for her, we thinks.

7 . Sarah Silverman

Sarah is a striking beauty, and would probably be more like number one on other such lists made by people who are bigger fans of her comedic stylings. Emphasis on NUMBER ONE. GET IT?! She makes poo-poo and pee-pee jokes.

[Image: HEEB]

6. Alex Borstein

Best known as the voice of Lois Griffin on "Family Guy" and Ms. Swan on "Mad TV," Alex is one of two women among mostly men on the "Family Guy" writing staff, and is also a standup comic who isn't afraid to call herself a C. "Call yourself a cunt first, then it doesn't matter who else does," she says. Or so claims this interview.

[Image: Playgirl]

5. Niecy Nash

Niecy Nash, better known as Raineesha Williams on "Reno 911" and the host of "Clean House," is hilar. Also, she wore a huge prosthetic booty with a thong bathing suit on the red carpet. Love her.

4. Amy Poehler

"SNL." Weekend Update. Baby Mama. This photo says it all.

3. Margaret Cho

Ms. Cho has been fighting the good fight for years and continues to perform and tour regularly. One of the world's best fag hags, she will be hosting the GayVN Awards at the end of this month.

2. Janeane Garofolo

1990s: amazing standup and (less amazing) movies. 2000s: raging against the Bush regime on Air America. Always awesome.

[Image: celebs101.com]

1. Tina Fey

Before her uber-glamorous turn at this year's Oscars cemented our girl crush on Tina, her Liz Lemon on "30 Rock" was one of the only the only real, identifiable female characters on prime time. And there's the Weekend Update, the Sarah Palin impression, the Mean Girls, and being the first female head writer on "SNL."

Then there was this dress.

Le sigh.

(Who else would you expect on Scanner for #1?)

[Image: AP Photo/Chris Carlson]

The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part Two)

The Top 5 Hottest Female Politicians

Everything Was Funnier in 1985

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

In the last twenty-four hours, we were sent two videos that happened to have been filmed in 1985. We hadn't seen either of them before-- one involves Saturday Night Live, the other a real commercial that might as well have been a parody on that show-- and they're both hysterical for different reasons.

Your day cannot possibly get more entertaining than this...

First, from the Best of SNL DVD's bonus material (or so we're told), here's Phil Hartman's SNL audition. God, is there anyone like this operating today?

And this is a commerical for "The Music Vest." We would explain what the hell that is if we only could figure out what it was... besides the obvious...

Hope you enjoyed yourself.

Topless Coffee Shop Opens In Maine, Not Without Controversy, Bottoms

Keenan Thompson's Real, Live Anaconda Don't Want None Unless You Got Buns, Hon

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 16:33:00 GMT

Three days later we're still laughing about Keenan Thompson's 'Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop' skit on Saturday's SNL. Tell us, dear readers, what is more genius: that he shows every picture to his pet anaconda or the two-for-one sale aptly named Ugh, Double Up, Ugh, Ugh?

SNL's Attempt at Barack and Michelle Obama: FAIL

Hillary Clinton is the New "Black"?

Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

Late last year, as men's magazines were coming out with their hottest women on the planet lists, we started to put together a list of hot, normal-sized women. As much as we hate the idea of having to create a separate list for women size 10 and up, we can't imagine the editors of FHM or Maxim drooling over a size 10 or 12. You can call Beyonce curvy all you want, she's probably still only a size 6. Hence the need for this list.

Unfortunately, we got stuck at around seven. We couldn't come up with ten relevant, prominent women who were the size of the average American woman (14) who could turn heads. Frustrated, we gave up on it. But last week, when we heard that Anna Wintour—who, to put it plainly, does not like fat girls—was going to fill the pages of Vogue with pictures of British songstress and former Crush of the Week Adele, we enlisted the help of our girlfriends to complete the list. It turns out most of them were frustrated, too, that they couldn't contribute more than one or two names. "This is sadly hard!!!" wrote one, to which we replied, "Actually, it's infuriatingly hard." But three months and 37 emails later, we have a list of ten amazingly hot women who we assume* wear a size 10 or larger. We know we've left plenty of beautiful women off of this list (and we hope you'll list them in the comments section), but we hope you'll enjoy Scanners Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up.

10. Keely Shaye Smith
Though she has an acting career of her own, we really only know Kelly Shaye Smith as Pierce Brosnan's wife—and unfortunately only because tabloids made terrible fun of some bikini photos of her. But we give Brosnan two thumbs up for his beautiful buxom bride of eight years.

[Image]

9. Missy Elliott
We have a hard time imagining Missy Elliot in anything but a trash bag, but once she ditched that getup, she got pretty damn hot. (Okay, she was hot then, but the trash bag really wasn't doing much for her.)

[Image]

8. Janet Weiss
Is there anything hotter than a chick who plays bass? How about a chick who plays drums? Janet Weiss, former drummer for the now defunct riot grrrl band Sleater-Kinney, now plays with Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks.

[Image]

7. Sara Ramirez
She was hot as George's wife, Callie Watts on Grey's Anatomy, but now that she's bringing some hot, lesbian action to the show, we imagine Sara Ramirez has earned herself a whole new set of fans (including us!).

[Image]

6. Adele
Had anyone heard of Adele before she made an appearance on what will forever be referred to as Sarah Palin's Saturday Night Live episode? Lucky for her, and us, everyone was watching. Just a few short months later, she took home a Grammy for Best New Artist.

[Image]

5. Jennifer Hudson
From American Idol to Dreamgirls to her 2009 Grammy Award for Best R&B Album, whenever we see Jennifer Hudson, we can't help but be proud of our own curves. We usually also put on a tight dress and dance around the house to Supremes albums.

[Image]

4. Neko Case
Men want her and women want to be her. Neko Case is a woman you can't help but like, and the ~~former~~ front woman for the New Pornographers is beautiful with her firey red hair and pale skin. At first we had a hard time believing Case was a 10, but we have it on very good authority (a friend who works in the music industry) that she is. And we like it.

[Image]

3. Queen Latifah
Easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl, actress, singer and rapper Queen Latifah has managed to reinvent herself enough to remain relevant—and smokin'—for 20 years. Here's hoping for another 20.

[Image]

2. Nigella Lawson
Without the T&A we all love so much, Nigella Lawson could probably squeeze that little waist of hers into a size 6. But we would hate for that to happen. Not only is she gorgeous, Lawson has gone through so much shit in her life (she lost her mother, her sister and her first husband to cancer) yet still manages to make sure we all eat enough chocolate.

[Image]

1. Christina Hendricks
We have to bow at the feet of Christina Hendricks for bringing Joan Holloway and her gorgeous curves into our lives, and back into the mainstream popular culture. While she likes her dresses snug, we heard from someone who used to share her clothes that she's most certainly a size 10. And on a scale of 1 to 10, a 10.

[Image]

*Disclaimer: This size thing is based purely on our own assumptions and/or input from people who claim to know. But being a size 10 ourselves, we're pretty good at guessing these things.

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Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Crush of the Week: Adele

Jennifer Hudson Looking Hot on Her New Album Cover

Who's That Boy?

Colleen Kane — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:34:00 GMT

No, this isn't a hipster who has come to Williamsburg to upset the throne of Girl Talk (too fat for Wmsbrg). But this lad is coming to claim a throne alarmingly soon.

It's Jimmy Fallon, pictured above doing the "Sears catalog" pose. Hard to believe, but he'll be taking over the Late Night slot in less than a month-- March 2!

Why, I remember when he was just the cute guy who couldn't hold it together on SNL.*

Wait. That isn't what he looked like then. But that is a much-younger Jimmy. His caption, from the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon website:

"I look like a five year old in an 18 month old’s clothes. Go ahead, say something about my saddle shoes mother f****r."

Unfunny Hipster Who Couldn't Get Through "Weekend Update" Competently To Replace Conan O'F*cking Brien

*Scanner Colleen is a longtime Conan devotee and is being very fair by not judging Jimmy's hosting skills before seeing them in action.

Sloppy Seconds: Why Sam Won't Leave Lindsay

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 23:47:00 GMT

We refused to read "Eat, Pray, Love" but that doesn't mean we won't see the movie. Julia Roberts is set to play the memoirist/author Elizabeth Gilbert. [Reuters]

An arrest warrant has been issued for Joe "Boobies" Francis and he faces up to 10 years in prison if convicted on charges of tax evasion. Which reminds us, we need to get our taxes done so we can afford to keep our meager boobies safe from Francis. [Yahoo!]

Is naked Obama riding a unicorn officially a meme? [Jossip]

We're not really fans of fake retro anything. But Shaun of the Dead is one of our favorite movies, so we're really excited about this 1960's paperback book cover artwork. It's sort of reverse adaptation. [LaughingSquid]

Staten Island's groundhog, Charles G. Hogg (known by locals as Staten Island Chuck) bit Mayor Bloomberg at a press conference today. We bet that's the last time Bloomie gets on a Ferry. [Star Gazette]

Are we the only ones who don't find the MacGruber SNL skits funny? [Vulture]

Unless you're really cool (we're not) you probably didn't know who Sam Ronson was before she started dating Lindsay Lohan. And according to FOXNews's ever-reliable sources, that's exactly why Sam would never leave LiLo. [FOXNews]

While You Were Sleeping: Bad Choice by SNL

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:33:00 GMT

Ellen Barkin may do an HBO series that will serve as her revenge plot against her asshole ex-husband.

A boy opened a large birthday present and discovered his Dad, home from Iraq, inside.

Morrissey, Amy Winehouse, My Bloody Valentine, Leonard Cohen, the Cure, and Paul McCartney are the headliners for Coachella. (David Bowie said no.)

You can thank Joe Biden for pushing Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State.

Blago got "fucking impeached."

Alaska is about to be wiped out by a giant volcano. Or something.

We can't imagine she's a strong comedian: Caroline Kennedy may be heading to SNL.

And Mike White, writer/co-star of the School of Rock and other films, will join his very interesting Dad on The Amazing Race. This might actually be worth watching now...

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Sends Topless Pic To Wrong Guy

Scanner Highs and Lows: Friday Night Lit

How Low Can You Go, Wino (and Us)?

Blake Fielder-Civil Sends Amy Winehouse A Pic Of His Dick

Sloppy Seconds: America, F*ck Yeah!

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:33:00 GMT

~~Scanner~~ Salon Sarah checks out all of the Obama paraphernalia, including Scanner's favorite: the Head O State commemorative dildo. And, you know, other stuff. [Salon]

Pete Wentz took his American penis to the Inauguration, left his wife and son at home. [Us]

Kelly Osbourne (NOT an American!) was arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist. [People]

The economy turns you into a "needy, horny, stay-at-home basketcase." Good or bad? [The Daily Beast]

If we prayed, our prayers would be with Ted Kennedy after he collapsed at Barack Obama's luncheon today. [CNN]

SNL's Fred Armisen was seen "candoodling" with Mad Men's ~~Peggy Olson~~ Elizabeth Moss. What a cute American couple. [Vulture]

Former First Daughters Jenna and Barbara Bush wrote an open letter to incoming First Daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, telling them what to expect at the White House, what to seek out and what to avoid. [Jezebel]

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Weighs in on the Taste of Breast Milk

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

If we were guys who were into girls, we don't think we could come up with anything more dreamy than going on a karaoke date with Drew Barrymore. Lucky Jason Segel. [Us]

Jennifer Aniston's "Marley and Me" outsold her ex Brad Pitt's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" at the box office over the weekend, leaving us able to only mutter "nah nah nah nah boo boo." [FadedYouth]

We're actually sort-of surprised we haven't seen a VPILF (Vice President I'd Like to Fuck) shirt sooner. [LustyLady]

Speaking of Sarah Palin, Tina Fey has been voted the Associated Press' Entertainer of the Year. [AP]

According to a new study out of the UK women who wear a U.K. size 14 are happier in life than their smaller and larger counterparts. Considering a size 14 in the UK is a size 10 here, that sounds about right. Right? [Jezebel]

Websites may soon be given cinema-style ratings. If it actually happens, you might need to be accompanied by your parent next time you visit Scanner. Meh, who are we kidding? You'll probably need to be 18 to enter. [TimesOnline]

Pete Wentz (and his penis!) continue to keep it classy. He recently tried wife Ashlee Simpson's breast milk and found it to taste "weird" and "sour." [Strollerderby]

[Image]

Going On a Manhunt in the 1980's...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:27:00 GMT

There are about twenty-five laugh-out-loud moments in this video for us, which are all funnier than anything Andy Samberg has done since Chris Parnell stopped making SNL parodies with him.

From Everything is Terrible and via The Frisky, your day is now complete...

1) The part where the woman appears to be touching herself while thinking about "a pint of ice cream and Dallas"

2) "A book with an usual title" and "a stuffed animal" are two conversation pieces which may even cause us to flee from Kate Beckinsale or Jennifer Connelly

3) "Your mother may have taught you that it's rude to stare." But then they have a guy stop at a park bench and leer at a woman for a full ten seconds before deciding to move on. And that's supposed to be a good example of a male prototype!

4) "You know, somebody oughta come up with a newspaper that only has good news in it." Oooh, girls, don't let this stranger talking to you on the same park bench get away, he's an American original...

What are your favorites?

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Amy Poehler's Last Show Saved By Blind Man

Ina Maier — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:21:00 GMT

We have to say that after last week's huffy and puffy exhortation of SNL, we were decidedly disappointed with this past Saturday's showing. Despite the fact that it was Amy Poehler's last show, Kanye sucked and every almost funny skit went on about 4 minutes too long (the opening sketch, as an example, ran for over 9 minutes). There was, however, one bright spot to the evening and it was, shockingly, not Hugh Laurie.

It was Fred Armisen's appropriately un-PC and physically hilairous potrayal of New York's blind but comically-inclined Governor David A. Paterson.

The best part? When Amy attempted to say her tearful goodbyes and got the big-headed box-out from Armisen's daftly wandering Governor.

To be fair, Hugh Laurie made the best of what he was given - which in some sketches was very little, namely: Poehler and Rudolph's Bronx Beat reunion - but we can't help but wish that Amy had been given a little funnier of a farewell.

5 Reasons SNL Is Finally Worth Watching

New York Governor Admits Affair. (Yes, the New One.)

Which New York Governor Would You Rather?

5 Reasons SNL Is Finally Worth Watching

Ina Maier — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:48:00 GMT

So, not to jump all over the bandwagon or anything, but I've got some pretty important opinions to add to the "SNL is actually funny!" discourse. Namely, that SNL is actually kinda funny! Sometimes. Not always, but often enough to make it finally worth watching. The reasons, none of which have anything to do with Tina Fey, Sarah Palin, or the election, (and videos!) after the jump.

5. Justin Timberlake

Love him or hate him, he's here to stay. He's like the Where's Waldo of SNL: you never know when he's gonna pop up, and somehow it's always funny when he does. See:

Also:

4. Digital Shorts

Made famous from last year's geniusly catchy "Dick In A Box" (Also: Justin Timberlake, see above) and perfected with Extreme Activities Competition (starring, of course, Kristin Wiig; see below), Andy Samberg's Digital Shorts are quickly becoming the skit to reblog on Sunday morning. In honor of said tradition, here's this past Saturday's "Jizz In My Pants".

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

3. Kristin Wiig

Kristin Wiig is by far and away the most underrated cast-member of SNL, if only because her star was briefly (but not briefly enough) dimmed this season by Tina Fey's Sarah Palin impression. Anyone else think that Wiig's would have been better? Anyway, here's my personal favorite, Sue Surprise.

2. The Creepy Factor

Remember back when people actually said SNL was funny? And all the skits were just really random and super strange, but somehow hilarious? Kinda like the Season One original, Chevy-Chase in shark costume, Land Shark skit? Well, they're kinda heading back that way. Or at least trying to. From Paul Rudd's blood-n'-gore filled show to Malkovich's star-turn as Gertie, SNL is going back to it's decidedly strange roots.

1. DVR It's a long show. I know that. It's also on at 11:30 on Saturday nights. And like I said, it's not all funny, only some funny. But with the dawning of the robot-age and everyone and their mother having DVR, you can totally watch it in under 40 minutes flat. I promise. And you can even fast-forward through all the un-funny stuff and, most importantly, the musical guests.

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

If You Like Fey and Poehler and Palin and Clinton, You'll Love Them as Couric and Palin

Kristen Wiig May Never Get Her Chance to Play Sarah Palin

In This Particular Case, We Don't Wish Kristen Wiig Well

Solved Mysteries: Tina Fey's Scar

Emily Farris — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 18:41:00 GMT

We all like to pretend we don't care too much about Tina Fey's scar. But maybe you, like us, have conducted a few or more Google searches... only to settle for reading about the origins of Padma Lakshmi's scar instead.

Now your feeble fingers can take a break. Fey's husband spilled the beans to Vanity Fair.

Liz Lemon [Fey's character on 30 Rock] favors her right side. That’s because a faint scar runs across Tina Fey’s left cheek, the result of a violent cutting attack by a stranger when Fey was five. Her husband says, “It was in, like, the front yard of her house, and somebody who just came up, and she just thought somebody marked her with a pen.” You can hardly see the scar in person. But I agree with Richmond that it makes Fey more lovely, like a hint of Marlene Dietrich noir glamour in a Preston Sturges heroine...

Fey herself rarely mentions the episode. “It’s impossible to talk about it without somehow seemingly exploiting it and glorifying it,” she says. Did she feel less attractive growing up because of it? “I don’t think so,” she says. “Because I proceeded unaware of it. I was a very confident little kid. It’s really almost like I’m kind of able to forget about it, until I was on-camera, and it became a thing of ‘Oh, I guess we should use this side’ or whatever. Everybody’s got a better side.”

Okay, but we wonder if she'll write about it in her book. Guess there's no need now...

[Vanity Fair via Gawker]

Related:

If Only Tina Fey Would Play Sarah Palin in the Forthcoming Porno

If You Like Fey and Poehler and Palin and Clinton, You'll Love Them as Couric and Palin

Who Are You And What Have You Done With Tina Fey?

Sloppy Seconds: Tina Fey's $6M Book Deal

Image via Vanity Fair

Video of the Day: Happy Thanksgiving

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 22:38:00 GMT

If we have to tell you what's after the jump it's time to go back to watching "High School Musical."

Arlo Guthrie Hopes You Can Still Get Anything You Want This Thanksgiving

Scanner Emily's Savory Sweet Potato Recipe

VIDEO: Watch A Turkey Explode: The Dangers of Deep Frying

Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart Mash the Potatoes

Porn Star Lunch Lady Scares Parents

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Louisa C. Tuck, formerly known as Crystal Gunns, has incensed a number of sanctimonious parents who are demanding she be fired from her current job as their elementary school’s part-time cafeteria worker and playground monitor due to her porn star past.

The Daily Journal reports that parents insist Tuck/Gunns be ousted from their Vineland, New Jersey elementary school after learning of her former career, but lawyers on both sides of the issue say there are no legal grounds to give her the pink slip due to the fact that she hasn't done anything illegal.

Tuck says she’s only making $5,772 a year and claims she quit the industry five years ago when she was twenty-seven. We are sure some of these self-righteous parents would rather not talk about the things they did in their twenties, so why not leave the poor woman alone and end the witch hunt?

We assume this may inspire an onslaught of humor-intended pun-ridden porn flick titles (Sloppy Second Joes?) or give new meaning to Adam Sandler’s goofy adolescent 90's anthem, “Lunch Lady Land.”

::Sigh:: we miss Chris Farley.

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Porn Stars: They're Just Like Half of All Adults (By Age 50)

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Ali Lohan: Future Lindsay? Future Porn Star? Is There a Difference?

Marie Claire Writer: I Saw My Sister In A Porn Mag

Photo: Wikimedia

SNL's Attempt at Barack and Michelle Obama: FAIL

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:37:00 GMT

When we first heard that Maya Rudolph would play Michelle Obama on Saturday Night Live, we got got pretty excited. Not as excited as we did when we knew Sarah Palin would make an appearance (we actually went home to watch the entire episode), but excited enough (we looked it up online).

Unfortunately, Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen failed to evoke their subjects and while the skit was centered around the Obama campaign playing it safe, it appears the SNL writers were playing it safe—or were just plain lazy— and refused to use anything even remotely negative they had on the Democratic candidate for satire. But hello? Ashley Todd????

A shame after what a good job they've been doing with Sarah Palin. Not that we're not guilty of the same thing here at Scanner.

As usual, Kristen Wiig was funny...

Related:

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Video of the Day: SNL "Annuale" Skit You Missed While Busy Changing Your Tampon

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy McCain Volunteer Was Not Marked With a "B" (At Least Not by an Obama Supporter)

Kristen Wiig May Never Get Her Chance to Play Sarah Palin

Live from New York: Fey and Poehler do Palin and Clinton

While You Were Sleeping: The Jennifer Hudson Horror Story Continues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Just before we wrapped up for the day on Friday, we heard about a man accusing the NYPD of sexually assaulting him by sticking a walkie-talkie up his ass. We're not sure we buy the guy's story, but he did end up in the hospital after being arrested, so that may mean something's up.

Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney is so scared for his political future, he backed out of a debate with his Republican opponent with barely any notice. Meanwhile, we applaud his wife for sticking up for herself by filing for divorce from this pig.

In a bizarre turn of events, Amy Poehler didn't show up for her Saturday Night Live scenes this weekened, although she gave a fairly reasonably explanation:

[H]er former co-stars were celebrating when the show was aired on Saturday night, telling a cheering crowd: "Amy Poehler is not here tonight because she is having a baby."
Poehler won't return to SNL after her maternity leave - she is planning a spin-off series to the hit U.S. version of The Office.

Aw, man... it's a case of "poof and she's gone." The show won't be the same without you, Amy.

Meet us in St. Louis: "Sex, Politics, and You," an art exhibit, has set up shop in Missouri.

A sixteen-year-old boy asked the Times if they thought it was "unhealthy" that he wants to try on his Mom's lyrca leggings.

What not to do if you are afraid to get married: set a hotel on fire so you can ruin the ceremony. (By the way, his reason for not getting married? He already is married... to somebody else.)

"I thought if I set a fire I wouldn't have to go through with the wedding," the Yomiuri quoted him as telling police.

Guests at the hotel were evacuated and no one was injured when he set the fire in the early hours of Sunday morning at the resort hotel... west of Tokyo.
Tatsuhiko Kawata and his fiancee had been set to get married before 80 guests. He was arrested after suddenly cancelling the event and behaving suspiciously, the Yomiuri said.

And Jennifer Hudson's sister has pleaded for the safety of her son after Jennifer's mother and brother were murdered in their Illinois home. Jennifer, meanwhile, has offered $100,000 as a reward for the boy's safe return.

Related:

Jennifer Hudson Looking Hot on Her New Album Cover

Today in WTF: Ex-Candidate For Kentucky Gov. Arrested For Sex Offenses After Obvious Joke

British Airways Invites You To Join The Mile High Club

That Sex Toy Is... Pooooisssoooon

Exposed: Joe the Plumber (Don't Worry, No Butt Crack Shots)

World's Greatest Mom Defends Daughter's Honor... Shotgun Style

While You Were Sleeping: Watch Karl Rove Fight Off A Bunch of Hippies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 14:35:00 GMT

Richard Branson and his kids set off from New York at 2 a.m. in an attempt to break the transatlantic speed record by arriving in England in under six days.

What is up with these cop impersonators lately? First, there was the fake cop who pulled over a guy who turned out to be his neighbor, who called the real police on him. Now, in our hometown of Hartford, Connecticut, a couple of phonies pulled over-- you called it-- an actual cop.

A decision was reached in the Britney Spears driving trial...

A mistrial was declared Tuesday in Britney Spears’s misdemeanor trial for driving without a license. The jury was deadlocked 10-2 in favor of the singer’s innocence, the foreman said in open court. “The jury is hopelessly deadlocked, and I declare this a mistrial,” stated Judge James A. Steele. The jury had deliberated for three days... [CelebSpin]

Wait, how the hell could someone actually be innocent of driving without a license? The record shows she didn't have a license, everyone admits she was driving during the time she didn't have a license, and then she goes to trial for it. Someone needs to explain this justice system of ours...

Check out this bizarre incident in which a nutjob hippie lady from San Francisco fails in an attempt to arrest Karl Rove for treason.

Meanwhile, Tina Fey says the trick to playing GOP favorite Sarah Palin is that she glues her ears down. Fey's own, that is...

Related:

Crush of the Week: Adele

Kristen Wiig May Never Get Her Chance to Play Sarah Palin

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Sloppy Seconds: Tina Fey's $6M Book Deal

Caption This: Todd Palin's Baby Mama

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:16:00 GMT

[Image]

Kristen Wiig May Never Get Her Chance to Play Sarah Palin

Emily Farris — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 16:28:00 GMT

Okay, we lied earlier this week when we said other than Tina Fey there was no one better to play Sarah Palin than Kristen Wiig. Boy, were we wrong!

It appears that Ms. Alaska herself will make an appearance on Saturday Night Live.

Word has it Palin will be on the show THIS WEEKEND. Considering we don't have TiVo, we're canceling all of our plans, putting on our prettiest pretty, pretty princess dress and the tiara that our friend, the homecoming queen, gave us to wear to prom, and sitting down with a big bowl of moose jerky to watch this shit.

Please, sweet baby Lord Jesus Christ, let her re-enact the swimsuit competition. Please!

Related:

In This Particular Case, We Don't Wish Kristen Wiig Well

If Only Tina Fey Would Play Sarah Palin in the Forthcoming Porno

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Sloppy Seconds: How Sarah Palin Brought a Little Heaven Into Our Lives

[Image, Image]

In This Particular Case, We Don't Wish Kristen Wiig Well

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 19:49:00 GMT

We like Kristen Wiig. Nay, we love her. But there's a lil' part of us that hopes she'll be out of a job come November 4. And here's why.

You see, Tina Fey does a great job playing Sarah Palin on "Saturday Night Live." But she already has a job, and if the Republicans win next month, SNL will need someone to play the beauty queen turned Alaska governor turned Vice President for at least four years. And who better to play that than Tina Fey? No one. Who better to play it should Tina Fey be tied up with "30 Rock?" Well, Kristen Wiig, that's who.

Straight from the mouth of the ~~Lord~~ Lorne:

'[Fey]’s gone' after the election, said Michaels. 'She has a full-time job' as the creator and star of the NBC comedy '30 Rock,' which returns Oct. 30. Michaels added that “SNL” cast member Kristin [sic] Wiig would likely play the Alaska governor should the need arise past Nov. 4."

You know, with a blonde wig she'd also make a lovely Jill Biden.

[Defamer: Should Sarah Palin Win, 'SNL' Has a Non-Tina Fey Plan B]

Related:

Hysterical Regis Philbin Tampon Commercial Buried In Otherwise Crummy SNL Sketch

If Only Tina Fey Would Play Sarah Palin in the Forthcoming Porno

**Sarah Palin Thinks Global Warming Is Polar Bear Sh*t**

**"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts**

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 15:17:00 GMT

Until Tina Fey played Sarah Palin, no SNL skit made us shoot ~~milk~~ whiskey out of our noses like Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake's "Dick in a Box." While we wish Timberlake would re-appear on the show, perhaps putting his dick in a box all over Tina Fey's Sarah Palin in a bikini, this little rendition of "Vote in a Box" with Scanner Nicole's girl crush Jessica Biel dancing alongside JTimb will have to do.

Rumor Mongering: Did Justin Timberlake Impregnate Kate Hudson?

Justin Timberlake Makes Us Kinda Like Sports

Why the Hell Isn't This Our Hand on Jessica Biel's Ass?

This Week in “Sexy Stuff Jessica Biel Is Up To”

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Biel Trying to Steal Our Job?

The Only Way We'd Love Cheetos This Much Is If They Had Jessica Biel's Ass

Sloppy Seconds: The Republicans Finally Find a Song

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Holly Madison talks about her break-up with Playboy papa Hugh Hefner. [FadedYouth]

When will Tina Fey be back on Saturday Night Live? The suspense is killing us! [Yahoo!]

Mark Wahlberg is getting married to his girlfriend and baby mama, Rhea Durham. What a funky bunch! [People]

Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer back together? Probably. Do we care anymore? Not really. [Us]

We have a sneaking suspicion that Hank Williams, Sr. wouldn't be too happy about Hank Williams, Jr. finally giving the Republicans their damn song. Especially because it's the worst version ever of an already sort-of bad song.

Related:

The Foo Fighters Would Like John McCain to Stop Comparing Himself to Kurt Cobain

Who Would You Rather: Joe "Boobies" Francis vs. Hugh Hefner?

If Only Tina Fey Would Play Sarah Palin in the Forthcoming Porno

Sloppy Seconds: More Fun With Sarah Palin Affair Rumors

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Pregnant Ladies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:50:00 GMT

Jeff Mangum, who wrote and performed the biggest cult indie album of all time, In The Aeroplane Over the Sea, returned to the stage but did not work up the nerve to do any of his own songs.

A raid in Tennessee netted 19 female prostitutes and two transvestites.

You heard what happened on South Park last week, right? Yeah, but did you hear about the show's ratings?

South Park beat George Lucas at his own pervy game Wednesday with its already-infamous "Indy rape" episode — the show's highest-rated fall premiere in nine years. Paradoxically, this must mean Indiana Jones 5 will be green-lit within the hour... [Defamer]

Not a fan of giraffes? You will be after this super cute photo spread?

Good news, everyone: Scotland has given you the okay to have a drink while pregnant.

Matthew Shepherd was murdered ten years ago Sunday.

John McCain, who vowed to "whip [Obama's] ass" at the third and final debate this Wednesday, has confirmed he will appear on David Letterman's show the following evening. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin's appearance on SNL is no longer a "done deal."

The national debt is freaking some people out. Especially when they see it (literally) growing before their eyes.

And the favorite face of tabloid readers is no longer Jennifer Aniston... it's Brad Pitt's former "other woman," seen above...

Ironically, Brad Pitt's former wife Jennifer Aniston, who topped the list in 2007, came in second. Jolie won in all Forbes categories - for sales, likability and most covers. [Starpulse]

Video of the Day: Dana Carvey Returns To TV

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

Video of the Day: Dana Carvey Returns To TV

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:01:00 GMT

We try our best to avoid the painful comedy that is the Tonight Show With Jay Leno. But Wednesday night's show, with Dana Carvey, was the best we've come across in years.

Leno is best when things either go wrong or when he loses the cymbals-crashing punchlines. The other night, he was loose, off-the-cuff, and on a roll... and then Dana Carvey took over...

Now we realized why we missed him so much since he left SNL and the spotlight...

via Hulu.